Dancing with the Stars Kicks Off the Drama

It’s all drama, drama, drama on Season 8 of ABC’s money-maker Dancing with the Stars. The drama kicked off before the premiere even aired on Monday night, with two contestants bowing out early due to injuries. And even though this season has the least famous, most Z-list cast of “stars”, they’re all prime prime-time material. There’s a bad girl rapper who’s spent time behind bars, a “Jackass” fresh out of rehab, a notoriously divorced Bond girl, a Playboy bunny, a guy famous for being “That Naked Guy from Sex and the City“, a dumped Bachelor fiancée, a pair of engaged pros, and a real-life couple dancing together. Whew! It’s gonna be quite a season …

Lil’ Kim was first to hit the dance floor Monday night with her partner Derek Hough, but only after she dedicated her decent cha cha to her girls in the federal detention center. Awesome? The judges, however, enjoyed her performance. Bruno, in typical crazy and slightly offensive fashion, never got much further than complimenting Lil’ Kim’s not so lil’ derriere, while Carrie Ann thought she had a lot of potential and Len thought it was “first class” – which is probably the closest Lil’ Kim will ever come to being called classy. Total Score: 21

Belinda Carlisle, former lead singer of the Go-Gos, was second up with new pro Jonathan Roberts. Their waltz was fine, but boring – sort of like Belinda. Bruno was overtly harsh and thought that she looked like Cloris Leachman (heaven forbid!), but Carrie Ann thought she needed to follow her partner more and Len, still in nice guy mode, thought it was elegant. Total Score: 18

Lawrence Taylor, this season’s footballer followed up next with a barely-dressed Edyta. Lawrence was a little unsteady and his nerves showed during their cha cha, but his grin and football fans are sure to get him through at least a few rounds. Carrie Ann didn’t think he was as good as his football predecessors – but she did have a super-duper crush on Warren Sapp last season, so she’s biased. Len was still kind (was he on something?) and thought it was natural and fun to watch, and Bruno – still loud and obnoxious – thought Lawrence needs to attack it more. Score: 16

Steve-O from Jackass was up next, because when I think Dancing with the Stars I think Jackass. Yikes. But he was appropriately paired with probably the only pro that would ever put up with him, ballroom “rebel” (read: not stuffy) Lacey Schwimmer, who’s looking quite trim this season – go you! They danced a waltz where Steve-O hammed it up as he attempted to be a gentleman and show that he’s still got mojo when he’s sober. Len put it best when he assessed that the technique wasn’t there, but he expected much worse. Bruno thought it was slapstick, and Carrie Ann thought it was an intriguing mix of beautiful and weird, which just about sums it up. Score: 17

Gilles Marini, known only for being Samantha’s naked neighbor in the Sex and the City movie, was up next with a very lucky Cheryl Burke. And the man is just as good on a dance floor, as he is in the shower. He can certainly shake it, and his cha cha was smoking. As expected, Carrie Ann woo hoo-ed, and housewives across the nation tried to dial in and vote a week early. Score: 24 (Highest score of the night)

Chuck Wicks, cutie country music star, waltzed next with his real life beau, Julianne Hough. The dance wasn’t perfect, but the two looked like Barbie and Ken and are so darn adorable they’re bound to be favorites anyway. Bruno thought it looked like Chuck was trying to chase Julianne around the floor, Len thought it was hectic but he had good footwork, and lift-Nazi Carrie Ann chided them for letting Julianne’s foot leave the ground. When are you going to give up on that, Carrie? Score: 20

Holly Madison, Playboy bunny, “Girl Next Door“, and former girlfriend to Hugh Hefner, was up next, filling injured Jewel’s dancing shoes. After less than a week of training, Holly pulled off a slightly off-tempo cha cha with new pro Dmitry Chaplin. The best commentary on the dance came from Carrie Ann who compared her to Bambi due to being a little wobbly in the legs. Len thought she just needed more practice, and Bruno was too distracted by her “charms” to say anything intelligent. Score: 18

Ty Murray, rodeo champ and Jewel’s hubby, was up next with new pro and So You Think You Can Dance alum, Chelsie Hightower. It was incredibly, incredibly awkward since Ty seemed so nervous he forgot all his cha cha moves. But at least he knew it was poor and humbly accepted his criticism and low scores. Let’s hope the sweet cowboy is a bit better on his feet next week. Score: 14

Shawn Johnson, America’s favorite pint-sized tumbler, was up next with partner Mark Ballas for a pretty waltz. It was smooth, mature, and ultimately lovely. Carrie Ann was overexcited and “moved” by the performance. Really? It wasn’t that good. Len found her very appealing, and Bruno thought she showed a lot of refinement for someone so young (the show’s youngest ever star at 17). Score: 23

Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Google and the show’s least likely contestant, danced the next cha cha with poor Karina Smirnoff. As Len said, the cha cha was a “disaster,” but like a car crash, you just couldn’t look away. Bruno, however, was uber-harsh on the geek mascot and compared him to a Teletubby at a gay pride parade. But at least Steve was having fun. (And has his millions and millions to comfort him when he inevitably gets kicked off next week). Score: 13

David Alan Grier, has-been comedian, was up next with Kym who didn’t get any of his jokes – and neither did I. He tried too hard and pulled faces throughout his routine, but the dancing itself was decent. The judges agreed but found his multiple character personalities distracting. If he can learn to stop cracking awkward jokes and just dance, there may be hope for him. Score: 19

Denise Richards, being billed as an “actress” (now there’s a joke!), was up next with Karina’s fiancé Maksim Chmerkovskiy, and poor Karina must be stressing about that. Luckily, Denise is about as believable a dancer as she was a nuclear scientist in that Bond movie. Carrie Ann thought Denise looked scared, Len thought it was too loose, and Bruno thought she had good moments, but it fell apart. She was also the first contestant to cry during rehearsal. Score: 18

Melissa Rycroft, the girl who got dumped on last week’s The Bachelor reunion show, rebounded from her (coughscriptedcough) heartbreak by stepping in for injured Nancy O’Dell with partner Tony Dovolani. After less than 48 hours of practice, Melissa pulled off a very impressive waltz – which was way more impressive before she let it be known that she used to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader. So in other words, she’s a professional dancer with years of dance training? Is this an ABC pity party for Melissa? Eh, at least she’s easier to watch than Steve Wozniak. Score: 23

Next week, the stars return for another dance and then the first round of voting. But first, it’s time for me to predict this season’s winner.

Shawn Johnson - because she’s young, giggly, her partner’s adorable, and America loves a gold medalist. Just think of all we’ve let Michael Phelps get away with – a sub-par quickstep won’t ruin America’s love of the little gymnast. Shawn Johnson for the dancing gold!

Season 8, Round 1: Episode 1 (originally aired March 9, 2009)

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Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC