Heroes: Sappy, Mushy.

Life wasn’t all cotton candy and butterflies on Heroes this week. It was more like sappy, mushy superhero storylines, but this change of pace was more than welcomed by me. I could see them wearing out the track and run storyline pretty quickly if that’s all they focused on. The focus was on Hiro and Ando, Angela Petrelli and Building 26.

With Nathan’s recent outing, things have been turned a little upside down. Danko doesn’t trust Noah as much as both he and Angela would hope at this point, and things start getting a little wacky when The Puppetmaster is bagged and tagged with a little bow and left him right in his living room. From what we saw last week, this must have been Sylar, but what is the little devil up to?

Next, we get to see all of our sedated heroes in a dank, dark room and lying on medical cots. Of course the only ones that we care about are Matt, Mohinder and Daphne, hence they’re the only heroes that get to escape. But more on that in a bit.

In order to gain a little bit more of Danko’s trust, Noah gives up Angela and promises to bring him Rebel if he agrees to let Tracy escape as bait. (He’s already on to Rebel’s plan to break her out as it is.) Though weary, Danko agrees, and the plan is set in motion. Like clockwork, Rebel releases Tracy. She rescues our heroes, and they go their separate ways.

When Noah catches up with her, she agrees to lead them to Rebel for her own safety. (Could she be that dumb?) (Apparently, yes!)  When she finds out Rebel is her dead triplet’s son Micah, she begins to have a change of heart. She helps him escape in one of the coolest Heroes scenes ever. (Basically, she ices an entire parking garage, all the men inside and herself.) Though Micah escapes, Danko plants a bullet into her icy heart and shatters her for good.

Elsewhere Angela meets with a friend and asks for her help. She can’t return home or go to a bank without risking getting caught.  This is her last resort.   The friend gives her some cash, out of pity.

She’s not on the lamb for long though. Danko’s men track her down pretty fast and corner her in an elevator. Fortunately for Mama, her son Peter hasn’t (really) given up on her yet, and he flies her away.

Hiro and Ando have found themselves in the home of Matt Parkman, who happens to have a baby. We know this is Matt’s child with Janice, but our heroes are at a loss. When the baby turns on an unplugged TV, however, they realize that he must have powers and be in trouble like all of their other hunted comrades.

It was adorable to see Ando talk baby talk, and even cuter to see Hiro want to protect the baby from hurt and pain, especially while remembering his recent encounter with his mother.

When men surround the house looking to take in the child, Baby Matt touches Hiro and his power to stop time is reignited. (“It’s baby Touch and Go!”) Unfortunately, none of his other powers to manipulate time have resurfaced, but we know that won’t be for too long. With baby in tow, Hiro wheels Ando off to safety, and they continue on their quest to protect Baby Parkman and save Big Parkman.

Speaking of Parkman, after his escape, he brings Daphne to a hospital and manipulates those around him to care for her gunshot wound and allow him to stay near her. At first, we are led to believe that when Daphne wakes up, she decides to move on with her life and leave Matt behind, but in reality, he’s just creating a dream in her head. In the real world, Daphne will never get to wake up, but at least her last memories were spent with Matt flying to the moon.

I know, there was a baby and sons saving moms and a lover dying. It was a completely sentimental episode, but I loved every cheesy moment

Season 3, Episode 20: Cold Snap (originally aired March 23, 2009)

For another take on this episode, read Not quite Fuller-filling by Paul Secrest.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

Grey’s Anatomy: With A Little Help From My Friends

The McDreamy Express continues its derailment in the latest episode of Grey’s.  Still reeling from his lawsuit, Derek retreats to the wilderness to “get his mind right,” as I like to say.  Back at the hospital it’s gloom and doom all around, as Cristina tries to persuade Izzie to visit an oncologist.  The news of the day is an extremely difficult and heart-wrenching facial transplant surgery, helmed by Mark.  The patient’s face was disfigured in a car accident, and I must give a nod to the make-up artists on the show, because the dude looked truly frightening.  His story was tragic, and he essentially looks like a monster.  The procedure has significant psychological ramifications, and the doctors will not proceed in the absence of a support system in place for the patient.  The patient in this case has no immediate family, but has a few friends he met in an online support group.  He’s never met them face-to-face and thinks that they will join him post-surgery, but they surprise him by showing up early.  He’s ashamed of his face and kicks them out, wanting them to have no memory of his hideous face.  In a very touching scene, his three friends return to meet him and accept him just the way he is.  He realizes that they are true friends and they give him the encouragement he needs for the risky surgery.  The end result is a happy one, and the man finally looks normal.

Throughout the episode Izzie deals quietly with her illness. Cristina is the only one who knows that Izzie is actually Patient X, and Izzie wants to keep it that way.  After Izzie refuses to consult with the specialist Cristina arranged, Christina is forced to disclose her illness to the others.  Izzie is relieved, and they all band together to help her get through the unimaginable ordeal.  She only has a 5% chance of survival after the cancer is surgically removed.

One thing that I like about Grey’s is that is an emotional show.  Sometimes this comes across as contrived and cheesy, but there are times when the show really strikes a chord.  The characters are capable of both great compassion and heartless ambivalence.  For example, the interns have cruelly nicknamed the facial reconstructive patient “blowhole,” due to his misshapen nose.  I find that to be unprofessional at best, and downright mean at worst.  Izzie is the only one appalled by this, and that’s because she’s a softie anyway and she’s dealing with her own medical issues on top of everything else.  On the flipside, the way Meredith and company rally around Izzie exemplifies true compassion.  The writers have a flair for capturing the complexities of human emotion, and that is why the show resonates with viewers quite powerfully.  The episode ends with the Chief and Meredith making their respective pitches to Derek to get back on the proverbial horse and return to the hospital.  He’s one of the few surgeons with the skills to save Izzie, and Meredith appeals to him to give it a try.  I suspect the McDreamy Express will be back on track next week. Stay tuned.

Season 5, Episode 18: Stand by Me (originally aired March 19, 2009)

For another take on this episode, read George had a line! by Inisia Lewis.

For more Grey’s Anatomy reviews, click here.

Thursdays 9/8c on ABC
Photographs courtesy of ABC

Celebrity Apprentice: Babies, Bitches, & Boring

I’m not excited to write this one up for you, my other CelebApprentice fan(s), because this week we have a two hour bloat-fest of high school drama and immature antics. I actually don’t know who I’m more disappointed in: Kotu, Athena, or Trump. So let’s get started!

We open with some irony and nonsense. First, Clint Black explains how the men aren’t used to being subordinates (I’m sure that’s sexist in some way), and they need to learn to humble themselves and follow their leader, without question. Then he and Dennis argue about Dennis’s subordination issues, and Dennis takes offense, naturally, because he’s Dennis Rodman; and if a little man in a cowboy hat is grinning up at you, telling you all the things wrong with yourself, you’d probably want to punch out Clint Black, too.

Later in Central Park, Brande smiles through the presentation of her $166,000 donation to the head of California Police Youth Charities. The phallic presence of the hot dog shall be blogged about elsewhere on the web, I’m sure. Then, we’re off to Capitale to start this week’s challenge: each team will create a presentation/stage show to launch the new ACN videophone to an audience made up of ACN representatives. The reps will then vote for their favorite presentation, based on things like excitement level, emotional appeal, and “event kickoff” status. Immediately charged with choosing their PM’s, the men choose Brian McKnight without the aid of Dennis’s wisdom, and the ladies choose Claudia, because they’re stupid.

Later, Clint and Annie step forward to represent their teams during a negotiation to determine who must go first; obviously, they’d both like to present second. This turns into a coin toss. So much for hard nosed-negotiations. Clint wins. Then, for a reason no one can explain, Dennis interrupts, berating a grinning Clint and ranting on about how this is a team game and … something. I really don’t know what he was angry about, but he’s intimidating enough to bring everyone up short. He storms off. No one on Kotu stops him. No one at home really cares.

Off to the War Rooms for strategy and brainstorming. The women decide to film vignettes of “regular people” using the video phone to highlight its functionality. Joan Rivers, currently in Dallas, will return and perform between scenes, providing the “stage show” portion. I guess. Editing suggests a great debate over the subjects of the vignettes, which to me is easily solved when the ladies find out that Joan is stuck in Dallas and her commercial flight won’t land until just before they’re scheduled to start. Does ACN have a branch in Dallas? Get Joan a phone and do the whole thing on the video phone, live!

However, I’m not on Athena (or we’d have rocked this task!). Instead, the women run into problems when Claudia and Melissa clash. And while I hate to defend Melissa – and I really, really do – you have to take her side. Sure, Melissa’s face can’t move and she owes her career to her mother’s success, but at this point, Melissa also knows her stuff. I’d never want to work for or with Melissa, but she’s the one who put Athena’s final production together. Claudia, on the other hand, can delegate and manage the flow of conversation, but she doesn’t take control of the idea, the production, or the people. She’s not a leader, she’s just a point person.

Unfortunately for Claudia, she’s also not a businesswoman. She doesn’t have the experience – clearly – to keep emotions and personal dislikes out of the task. I don’t like Melissa either, but if you don’t allow a person to exploit her strengths, in her chosen field, then you’re at fault for not utilizing your people correctly. It doesn’t come down to like, dislike, condescension, personality quirks, or face lifts. Good business means occasionally setting aside personal feelings to complete the task.

So while Claudia turns this task into a chance to show-up and control Melissa, Melissa keeps her head in the game, does her job, and effortlessly rallies the team behind her. Let’s not saint Melissa yet – she does a lot of whining and complaining and “woe is me and my bruised ego,” but people follow other people who appear to know what they’re doing.

Such is the case with the men, as Brian McKnight emerges as A Force To Be Reckoned With. Jesse quickly presents the idea of turning the presentation into an actual show starring Brian McKnight, the R&B star (not Clint Black, the country singer). Then Jesse suggests filming a segment to highlight the phone using members of the military, in exactly the way you think they would. Because as everyone knows, using the military and/or patriotism during wartime will save your ass faster than Dennis Rodman can order a cranberry and vodka. Clint disagrees with both approaches, and bristles at not being asked to contribute musically. Because he’s a performer too, and how could they not ask him? Because more people in New York like R&B than country, and Brian’s the PM. Duh. Clint does an awful lot of bitching and moaning, despite his earlier speech of subordinating himself. But then he actually does subordinate himself and takes on all of the grunt work that Brian throws at him, including ordering pizzas. My only problem with Clint during this segment, aside from the creepy, grinning and whining, is how he says that any bonehead can handle logistics.

Don’t ask me what I do for a living, Clint, or I just might take offense.

Moving on! During all of this not-at-all exciting footage, Dennis Rodman returns, because he’s a team player, in case you didn’t know. He continues the NBA references, and I think next week I’m going to start a drinking game, in honor of Dennis Rodman’s alcoholic antics, and every time someone references “victim” and NBA – drink! We’ll be drunk in no time, and that’ll be before champagne during the Boardroom! Dennis offers to help, now that he’s in the mood, but Brian declines. The editing tries to make this more confrontational than it actually is. Dennis claims if they lose the task, Brian’s at fault, not him, whereas I say that if they lose the task, it is Dennis’s fault because he stormed off and therefore couldn’t be a contributor. He chose to leave, he wasn’t sent away. And drama queens should never prosper.

Of further note to the men’s progress, Hershel once again appears to bring nothing to this task, and Clint disagrees with just about every decision Brian makes, including the choice to not include Dennis. Clint has forgiven Dennis his WTF moment from earlier, and Dennis, apparently, doesn’t see the need to apologize. He just had a bad day, brother.

Presentation time! Joan arrives in time and wows the crowd. The audience responds well to the skits, but in my opinion, the vignettes could have been more creative. How did they not think of my Joan idea?! The men present their “I’m in the Military and miss my family while I serve the country I love” video, then Brian McKnight performs, complete with spirit-fingered dancers. It doesn’t look great, but the audience eats it up. Apparently.

To the Boardroom! Let’s watch the Trumps start some shit! First, Trump forces Clint to rehash the morning’s “dispute,” though when asked, neither Dennis nor Clint can explain what happened or why. Brian must admit that he deliberately sidelined Dennis, and concede that if they lose, he should be fired. Don, Jr. calls Claudia out on her conflicts with Melissa, but unfortunately for Claudia, all her team saw was Melissa stepping up to pull their show from chaos to an organized mess. Of note, Joan defends Melissa “objectively,” with an emphasis on the quotation marks, if you understand my meaning. Despite her not being there. Claudia argues with the Rivers’, until eventually we hear the results of the ACN surveys.

Trump expects us to believe that 85% of the attendees thought the men did a better job. What the what? The women at least had a practical presentation. Then again, maybe there are more Brian McKnight fans out there than I realized. So, the men win, and hightail it to the champagne, while the women, finally, are left to self-destruct.

Claudia’s main defense is her dislike of Melissa; Melissa maintains that Claudia is a liar and that this production would have failed had she not stepped up. Melissa does a little kissing up to Trump, and her biggest defender turns out to be Annie. Which, I’m surprised at Annie, because though she’s right about Melissa, shouldn’t she be going after the stronger player? Khloe even comes to Melissa’s defense – I hope Melissa crushes all of you later. The women play the disorganized card, which is true, and Claudia doesn’t waste time deflecting legitimate attacks – she continues to badmouth Melissa, looking more and more like a scorned teenage girl at the prom than ever. Eventually, she’s asked if anyone, in fact, did anything to contribute to the team’s failure, and Claudia suggests that Khloe could have produced more. Natalie at least arranged the private plane for Joan’s miraculous, on-time arrival.

Then it’s time to choose her two sacrifices, and Claudia predictably chooses Melissa and Khloe. She starts to attack Melissa, but when asked, tells Trump that he should fire Khloe. And here’s the bottom line: Claudia’s an idiot. First, she blames Melissa for the loss simply because she doesn’t like her. Second, why not call Melissa and her fifteen years of experience out for not stepping up to be Project Manager? I know Claudia thought this was her thing, but Melissa should have taken the lead and fought for PM.  Obviously Melissa tried to avoid full responsibility for a loss. But this, “well, she was bossy,” defense just makes Claudia look even worse. In the Champagne Room, Brian McKnight agrees with me.

But none of that matters, because Claudia presents weak arguments and goes after Khloe too late. Despite Trump thinking that Claudia is beautiful and that she’ll have an amazing future … the Tribe has spoken—Trump fires Claudia! She laments being the first female sent home, but takes the loss like a champ. Whatever. I’m disappointed in you, Claudia.

Brian’s charity: Youthville, USA

Next week: The celebs have to work for a living, and it’s Intervention time! Supposedly.

Season 2, Episode 4 (originally aired March 22, 2009)

For more on The Celebrity Apprentice, click here.

Sundays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

RuPaul’s Drag Race: Grand Finale!

RuPaul’s Drag Race!  Start your engines!  RuPaul’s Drag Race!  May the best woman (best woman) win!”

When the contestants walk in, the ghost of Shannel stares at them from across the room.  Oh wait, that’s just the wig that she forgot to pack up.

All three of the contestants talk about how they are all aware that we are at the end of the road and that each deserves to win.

Santino Rice and Merle Ginsburg walk into the dressing room, and both say that they would not have recognized the gals outside of the drag.  They explain to the final three that their last challenge will involve them being in a new music video for RuPaul’s new single, “Covergirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk).”

Ok, I understand that this show was filmed months ago, but we have heard this “new” song at the end of each episode of the show this season.   Also, I have already watched the video for the song on YouTube, and all I remember is RuPaul and the Pit Crew. (Look, I don’t want to pay iTunes $.99 (plus tax) of my hard-earned money if the song is not worth it.  And the iTunes preview is only 30 seconds of the song, I am basically FORCED to watch it on YouTube, copyright laws be damned.  Do not judge; we are in a recession.)

The girls will work with a choreographer on their moves, with Cazwell on their own solo rap, and shoot their scenes for the video.

Ryan Heffington is the choreographer, and he looks like Borat in purple heels.  I really am having a hard time putting into words how absurd Miss Ryan is.  In addition to the purple heels, he is wearing a grey tank top and acid-washed jeans.  His hair is up in a ponytail on the top of his head.  Rebecca Glasscock is absolutely horrid at dancing, even if she thinks she is good at faking.  Miss Ryan calls her out, telling her that he doesn’t have time to keep going over it and over it.  Nina and Bebe, on the other hand, turn it out.

In the midst of the preparations for the video shoot, each of the contestants will also have an individual lunch with RuPaul.  RuPaul looks ultra glam (as always) at the lunch table, as Nina walks up.  The menu?  Tic tacs.  Ha!  RuPaul tells Nina that there is a sweetness that comes from her, which was surprising because the look is so severe.  Nina says that the most difficult time in her career was when her mom died, after which she took a break from performing for two years.  After that, her dad wouldn’t talk to Nina.  Finally, when Nina made her return to the stage in Puerto Rico, her dad surprised her by showing up.  Aw.  Nina really seems so incredibly sweet.  Although I am fully in the Bebe Zahara Benet club (she and I are friends on Facebook), I could survive if Nina wins (my Facebook friend request to her is still pending).

Rebecca goes to meet Cazwell to work on her rap.  Among her lyrics, “Glasscock for your nerves, mama.”  Both Cazwell and I are unimpressed.  I wish Foxxy Brown was teaching the rap, so she could punch Rebecca in the face after that nonsense.  Foxxy could still blame it on her hearing loss, too.

Now, it’s Bebe’s turn for lunch with RuPaul.  Bebe says that, if she wins, she is going to reach out to Cameroon and do community service.  Bebe gets emotional about having seen people die in front of her and about people in Cameroon crying out for help.  (When covering her eyes crying, I take note of Bebe’s fabulous manicure.)  She wants to make things better for people in whatever way she can.  You go, girl.

Cut to Nina trying to rap, and Cazwell is having difficulty deciphering her accent.  He counsels her to really enunciate.  Nina’s rap reminds me of that song  “Conga” by Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine . . . in a good way, though.

Rebecca sits down for lunch with RuPaul, and she says that she encountered “shade” from the other competitors.  RuPaul asks her what she did to alienate the girls, and Rebecca just admits to being private and misunderstood.  Whatever.  Seriously.  W-H-A-T-E-V-E-R.

Back to rap.  Cazwell tells Bebe that she is a “fierce bitch.”  Agreed.  Her rap features multiples uses of the word, “face.”  FACE! FACE! FACE! FACE! FACE!  USE YOUR FACE!  It sounds a little Missy Elliot-esque to me, but it easily seems most appropriate for the challenge.

Mike Ruiz, the photographer from episode 1, is directing RuPaul’s video for “Covergirl (Put the Bass in Your Walk),” and we see RuPaul filming the video in a mélange of outrageous outfits.  After finishing her part, Ru hands off the stage to the finalists.  Each does her dances, and Mike provides commentary:  Bebe is the bomb, Nina is amazing, and Rebecca is beautiful.

Each of the girls also has to do a solo scene.  Nina is incredibly fierce in her orange pantsuit and platinum braids.  Bebe has issues with looking a little too crazed, but she still works it.  Rebecca Glasscock makes everyone wait ’cause she ain’t ready yet.  She said that she was having issues with her hair and makeup, but Mike Ruiz is not happy.   He is further not happy when Rebecca’s hairline is showing for the video.  Rebecca’s response?  “You never, ever rush a queen.”  Please.  Aretha Franklin is a queen; you are not.  Rebecca doesn’t know the words, and Mike calls her out again.  Rebecca complains to the camera that she doesn’t have time to do anything, and Nina looks at her with disdain from the sidelines.

In the next segment, we learn the real names of each of the gals.  Rebecca is Javier, Nina is Jorge, and Bebe’s name is too complicated for me to type (even with my DVR).  Nina waxes rhapsodic about staying in touch and performing together, and Rebecca gives her a “nope.”  See?  Just wrong.  Rebecca is not anybody who is anybody, so she has no reason to be so hateful.  It’s called karma, and I hope Nina is there to see it bite you on the ass.

Final MAIN STAGE!  RuPaul was definitely saving this outfit because it is off the chain!  HUGE WIG!  HUGE RED GOWN!   Pearl O’Wisdom seal of approval.  Judges:  Merle and Santino.  No guest judges this time.  Why?  Because this is the finals, beeyotch.

Nina Flowers works it in one of her trademark pantsuits in purple and fuschia.  It is spectacular.  The judges appreciate how it has a train that is cut “on the side seam.”  I wish I had a clue what that meant.  Her hair is in one of her fab Mohawks, but it’s brown this week.  Nina Flowers is the bomb.  Just awesome.

Rebecca Glasscock is out next, and she looks the same as always: Barbie doll.  She has a blonde wig, a hot pink mini dress, and that stupid puckered lip look on her face.  I seriously cannot imagine her winning.

Bebe Zahara Benet has sequins galore!  It’s blue and red, and it is the bomb.  Her hair is up in a complicated updo with big red barrettes.  Glamour, my friends.

RuPaul tells them that all three end up in the video because they are all awesome, but the winner will have her rap included in the single.  RuPaul runs through the prizes and calls Bebe up.  Bebe says she was surprised about how not-nervous she was making the video.  She collects much props from the judges on her video performance and on her rap.  Nina is up next, and she talks about how much fun she had making the video.  RuPaul also talks about how approachable and sweet Nina is . . . until she steps on the stage, where she turns it out.  Rebecca talks about how she had a bad hair day on the video shoot.  RuPaul asks her about making Mike Ruiz wait, and RuPaul tells Rebecca that she expects her girls to show up when it is time to work.  Rebecca says that the other girls have come after her because they are “older.”  If looks could kill, Bebe and Nina would have slaughtered her.

Interior Illusions Lounge-ing while deliberations ensue.

Bebe – Merle says she is a drag superstar.  RuPaul does not see a man in a wig.  Santino has nothing negative to say about Bebe, but she does not bring it as much as Nina.  (Isn’t that a negative?)

Nina – Santino says that only her lack of command of the English language holds her back.  Merle talks about how Nina presents similar outfits each week.  RuPaul says that she has a sweetness to her.

Rebecca – The judges all agree that they have let Rebecca’s good looks get her this far, but that they also agree she’s not really part of the conversation for purposes of the win.

(In the text vote, and 74% of the people think Rebecca deserves to be eliminated.  Who are the other 26%?)

This is it.  The results.  The three finalists stand in the middle of the stage holding hands (Nina in the middle).  RuPaul wastes no time in informing Rebecca that she is not the next drag superstar, and that ho is dismissed.  The final two have to lip sync “Covergirl” to see who the winner is.

Before the lip sync begins, Nina and Bebe tell each other that they love each other and give one another kisses.  Aw.  They are both the bomb.  During the lip sync performance, Bebe and Nina show why they are the two finalists.  They totally play off of each other, and it is complete greatness.

The winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race is . . . BEBE ZAHARA BENET!!!  YES!  She is really excited and collapses.  Nina hugs her and tells her to stand up because she deserves it.  RuPaul thanks Nina and tells her how great this competition was because she was part of it.  Class act.  Nina talks about how she may not have won the competition, but she is going home a winner.  Bebe cries her heart out and expresses her gratitude to the judges.  RuPaul puts a big crown on her head (she had to change wigs at the break to accommodate the crown), and Bebe walks the runway like the true queen she is.

Season 1, Episode 8: Grand Finale (originally aired March 23, 2009)

For more on RuPaul’s Drag Race, click here.

Mondays at 10pm on Logo

Photographs courtesy of Logo Online

The Amazing Race: Slumdoggin’

This week it was time to just say no to Novosibirsk and say jai ho to Jaipur, India. The seven remaining teams, including last place non-eliminees Christie and Jodi hit a Siberian airport bound for much warmer climes and god bless him, only lovable old Mel had the chutzpa to note the inherent humor of the Khaka travel agency. Mel & Mike’s minds are such a mixed up font of high class wit and 3^rd grade potty guffaws you just never know how they’ll entertain you next. I should have expected no less from the writer of School of Rock.

After passing through the outskirts of a Jaipur slum and witnessing all manner of men and beasts reduced to eating garbage, there was barely a dry eye left in the race. At the road block, things appeared lame at first, but got great in a hurry. One might assume that the job of toting buckets to a trough and carrying hay in a basket is as cut and dry a task as they come. But that’s assuming the luddites on the job decide to actually use the basket. Watching Kisha, Jamie, and Margie cram fodder down their shirts till they looked like human scarecrows made for some first rate television. Even better, their dunce move was Mel’s massive gain when he, using the proper freakin’ tools as clearly indicated in the clue and prominently displayed next to the feed pile, shot from last to first after a painful to watch performance on the bucket brigade.

Snug between the road block and the detour lay Christie & Jodie’s speed bump challenge. I’ve seen and created a decent amount of fill in the blanks art in my day, but never a paint by number elephant. Fun times.

In the choice of a task reliant on balance and observation versus showmanship and the kindness of strangers, everyone but Mark & Michael got their Broadway on with a traditional spangly camel suit dance and remained in servitude until successfully begging for 100 rupees. The highlight of the challenge came when the producers took the clever and thoughtful step of silencing the musical chaos of the city for a few seconds to give viewers a peek at things from Luke’s perspective. Classy move. Meanwhile, M&M chose to pedal a terrifying 20 foot tower of plastic drums strapped onto a bike rickshaw before riding a mile, unloading, and hunting through the literal haystacks inside to find a might-as-well-have-been-a-needle elephant charm. Their bad luck made for a marvelously suspenseful race to the pit stop (greeted by a dude rocking a three pound mustache and jamming a tune on dual nose whistles! Yeah!) where if not for Christie & Jodie’s speed bump, Mark & Michael would have assuredly come in last. But it’s buh-bye now for the flight attendants as the wee stunt folk live to race another week. Bring on Thailand!

P.S. Tammy & Victor? Came in first, still annoying.

Season 14, Episode 6: Alright Guys, We’re At War! (originally aired March 22, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Painting by Elephant by Alana D.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

Heroes: Not quite Fuller-filling

I’m starting to worry that I may have put a little too much stock in Brian Fuller’s return to the Heroes writers’ room. He certainly knows how to bring the funny, the poignancy, and even the action, but this episode was just a little too unfocused for its own good. On the bright side, it did add a few new wrinkles to some of our favorite characters and tied off a large handful of annoying plotlines and loose ends, so much in the fashion that it’ll probably take a while for the Recovery and Reinvestment Act to really start working, this episode may one day be viewed as the show’s own private stimulus package.

With Nathan’s gift of flight forced into the open, Danko’s vendetta becomes even stronger as he sets his sights on everyone from Angela, to Mohinder (who hilariously falls into the most transparent trap ever), to Matt’s superbaby. Angela gives his agents the slip thanks to her rarely seen gift of prescient dreams and tries to seek out some kindness from an old friend (Swoozie Kurtz, happily finding work on the rebound from Pushing Daisies). She eventually finds herself cornered, but with some high flying help from the otherwise unseen Peter, Angela remains safe for at least one more week.

Over in LA, Hiro and Ando’s two men and a baby act is surprisingly enjoyable thanks to the best subtitled jokes in months (“what are we here to save the baby from? Lead based toys?”) and the reveal that volume 3’s mega annoying eclipse had at least one positive outcome: the activation of baby Matt’s power to bring things to life with his touch, including Hiro’s long latent knack for stopping time. But much in the way that Peter’s powers aren’t what they used to be, it’s only freezing, no teleporting or time travel. Fine by me. Also, Ando stumbles upon a handy secondary use for his sparkly charging skill: energy blasts. And where there’s a baby, it’s mother can’t be far behind. Enter Janice Parkman, Matt’s estranged wife and secret babymama. It’s nice to see her again, and I’m quite glad the stage is being set for a happy family reunion. “But what about Matt’s current squeeze Daphne?” you might say. Well, after a bold escape from Building 26 thanks to Rebel and a large dose of Matt’s thought mojo, the lovelorn ex-cop finally gets his speedy dame the proper medical care she deserves. But it’s too little too late so Matt lets Daphne spend her final moments in a touching romantic fantasy. God love ya, Daphne, you tried hard but I’m just not going to miss you that much.

During the Matt induced jailbreak, Tracy sets out in hopes of starting over, but Noah tracks her down and makes a deal: expose Rebel, gain freedom. Easy as that. But when, as I’d been suspecting for a while, Rebel is revealed to be none other than Micah Sanders, Tracy feels more than a little guilty. But the pint sized pubescent tech wiz always has a plan. They have a nice heart to heart about loyalty, motivations, trustworthiness, and the nasty effect a career in politics can have on them before finding themselves pinned down in a parking garage. In what is likely her first truly selfless act in years, Tracy tells Micah to set off the fire sprinklers and run like hell. Cue a self sacrificial CG extravaganza that leaves Tracy and her pursuers in a serious state of deep freeze. Danko shatters her just to be sure, but in an enigmatic twist that may indicate a future return for the frigid Ms. Strauss, we see an icy chunk of her face blink and shed a tear. And if there’s one thing I know about Heroes, it’s that Ali Larter never quite stays dead.

Season 3, Episode 20: Cold Snap (originally aired March 23, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Sappy, Mushy by Inisia Lewis.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

Duplicity: Good, but not as good as those other movies

It’s hard to watch any spy movie produced after 2002 without comparing it to The Bourne Identity. Duplicity, having been written and directed by one of Bourne’s screenwriters, aspires to emulate that movie, and mostly fails. It’s also neither as funny as Ocean’s 11 nor as cool as Mr. and Mrs. Smith, although it aspires to be those things, too. It is, though, undoubtedly better than Race to Witch Mountain, which earns it some major points with me.

Because Duplicity definitely has its strengths. After all, it stars Clive Owen and Julia Roberts. I always enjoy the Clive, and I usually enjoy the Julia, and they’re both in fine form here. And movies like this are usually worth watching for the clothes at the very least, and Duplicity does not disappoint on that score. Plus, there’s an interesting story, which I mostly followed, I’m pretty sure. (Although I don’t think I could explain it to anyone else. Or, if I were to try, it would take me about four hours. The movie has more twists and turns than Michael Jackson’s career path.)

The premise: Two rival spies (she’s a CIA agent; he, being British, is with MI6) strike up a romantic relationship. Later on, they find themselves working in the private spy sector for Proctor and Gamble-esque companies, who apparently employ spies these days. Then things get complicated, and then it all wraps up in a really unsatisfying way, and honestly, I think giving away any more than that would qualify as spoilers. Let’s just say that I’d heard the term “industrial espionage” before I saw this movie, and it always sounded pretty boring, and Duplicity did a little to change that viewpoint, but not that much. Clive and Julia make the whole thing seem as cool as they can possibly can, but even they have their limitations, especially in these popcorn movies where there’s no risk of Oscar nominations.

I saw this movie the day after I saw Knowing. I thought it would be an appropriate way to cleanse my brain after that incredibly creepy experience. But honestly, in terms of pure cinematic entertainment, the bad acting and over-the-top melodrama of Knowing come out on top compared to the tightly scripted and impeccably performed Duplicity. The two movies are currently in a tight race at the box office, but based on the first sets of numbers it looks like the crowds agree with me ? because, for some reason, Nicolas Cage’s brand of sci-fi escapism is more our collective speed right now. Sorry, Tony Gilroy. Better luck next time.

Knowing: I Know What You Did Last Judgment Day

I saw Knowing on opening night and have been dreading writing this review for the past two days.  And no, that’s not because I was so excited that I couldn’t put words to my thoughts–quite the opposite.  So where do I begin?

From the trailers, Knowing looked like a typical disaster film where the main character, here Nicholas Cage, is trying to stop the end of the world.  The gimmick in this film was that there’s a prophetic piece of paper with numbers on it showing the dates of future catastrophes and the number of people killed in those events.  Now let’s talk about what really happened in the film.

John Koestler (Nicholas Cage) is an alcoholic professorial widow with a young son who’s not deaf but wears a hearing aid.  His son gets a fifty-year-old letter from a time capsule and the letter lists those numbers I was talking about.  John quickly cracks the code and through two events confirms his theory about the numbers.  In the process he meets Diana Waylan (Rose Byrne), who’s the daughter of the girl who originally wrote the numbers.  Together they realize that with only one date left on the letter, the next catastrophe is going to be huge.  And they are correct, it’s the end of the world!  John and Diana’s children are also being followed by strange Spike-looking figures that are whispering messages to them about the apocalypse.  At this point you’d expect John and Diana would work to prevent the disaster because why else would they need these warnings?

Good question!  And you’re so very wrong.  The numbers meant nothing.  They don’t save the planet, and these angels (and yes, they’re angels not aliens) kidnap the children to take them off of the planet right before a solar flare kills everyone.  I won’t spill the last five minutes of the film but go read Genesis 1:26-30.  We also have a final scene in which John is reunited with his estranged father just before they all die.  (We don’t get a feel for why they are estranged but I think it’s something about faith.)

In my two days of brooding, I think I’ve pieced together the underlying story (thanks to a brief reference to the Book of Ezekiel in the film).  The numbers were a warning to humanity of the impending apocalypse but unfortunately God’s messenger–the girl who wrote the numbers–didn’t share the message on a wide scale.  In witnessing the validity of the girl’s prophesies, people would renew their faith and set things right before the day of judgment.  Meanwhile, God’s angels would identify select children from around the world to relocate to a new planet and begin human civilization once again; everyone else would get left behind.  Our protagonist, John, received God’s message through the numbers, believed, and came to accept that his son would carry on while he would only be saved in spirit but not physically.  His salvation came through his reconciliation with his pastor father, much like God’s children must spiritually reconcile with Him to be saved.

Now if only the plot of this film were so succinct.

I Love You, Man: Bromantic Comedy

I Love You, Man is a warm, crass, awkward comedy about just how difficult it can be for adults to form platonic friendships in a society that seems to offer only significant others and business associates once college is behind you. Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) is a SoCal realtor engaged to the woman of his dreams (Rashida Jones) who realizes his need for a best man and utter lack of buddies to fill the role. Enter Sydney Fife (Jason Segel), a free spirited goofball day trader who just might be the key to bringing Pete’s social life into balance.

It’s refreshing to find a comedy with an almost completely unique premise. Sure, it may borrow a few beats from the romantic comedy formula so indelibly hammered into the skulls of the American consciousness since at least the late ’80s, but a realistic depiction of the uncomfortable and slightly absurd social ritual of a man leaving “hey, do you wanna hang out or something?” voicemail is something I’ve experienced plenty of times but never seen satirized. In fact, a solid 20% of the movie’s laughs are mined solely from Peter’s nightmarish attempts to say hi and bye to Sydney in a passably cool fashion. If you thought there was nothing worse than a dude calling another dude “Broseph”, you were so wrong.

This is a movie that succeeds entirely on the unique strengths of its cast, who often find themselves squeezing wry humor out of a script that lacks the quantity of laugh out loud moments I was expecting. Paul Rudd gets to definitively cement his long slow climb to the comedy A-list, Jason Segel gets to explore a character that’s a complete 180 from the lovelorn sad sack in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and Rashida Jones gets to prove she’s more than that bitch who tried to break up Jim & Pam on The Office in a rarely seen well rounded girlfriend role that paints her as neither saint nor shrew. Toss in supporting turns from Jamie Presley, Jon Favreau, Lou Ferigno (seriously!) and an adorable mutt named Anwar Sadat, and you’ve got a cast that could turn a reading of The Warren Report into a knee slapper.

While not quite as memorable as its stars’ recent efforts, I Love You, Man will still put a smile on your face and is a more than worthy addition to the ever expanding universe of “Frat Pack” comedies that have defined this decade’s sense of humor.

One last note: This movie is clearly a product of happier times, because nowadays it’s hard to imagine a stockbroker and a real estate agent in L.A. forming anything other than a suicide pact.

Friday Night Lights: That Stupid Idiot

This week’s episode of FNL is brought to you by Sex, The Giving Tree, and Temper Tantrums. It’s almost like elementary school, all over again.

First! Sex, Part I. JD McCoy’s controlling dad returns, and this week he doesn’t want JD having sex or talking to girls. Possibly because cooties will make JD sick and keep him from finishing the season. Or maybe girls will just mess up his focus. But JD meets a feisty, forward-thinking redhead anyway, and she is a milk-loving gal who has a thing for quarterbacks. Mama thinks it’s cute and, you know, healthy to be a teenager, but Papa McCoy thinks that there is no game mightier than the Football Game, and politely hints that JD drop the girl. JD does, right before Friday’s game. That girl can pout and sulk, so get ready for the coming weeks, folks. Tim Riggins, he of the “I fell in love with this one girl and she changed my life by forcing me into college” philosophy, encourages JD to take a stand. Breaking up with girls because your Pa said so isn’t exactly a way to be a leader among men, you know. So the Panthers win (more on that later), and JD rides the high, sneaking out after “lights out” to meet up with Red. Mama McCoy’s pleased, as Papa McCoy’s intensity is very, very, very slowly setting off warning bells. We close this chapter with Papa McCoy spotting his runaway son, and looking ready to commit murder.

In Tyra’s Universe, she’s back with a bitchtastic vengeance, complaining about her low SAT scores and the consequences of her actions, all of which will keep her from following that college dream which resurfaces every other episode. Who knew ditching would have penalties? She visits Landry during band practice, interrupting without much sympathy and asks for free SAT prep. He agrees, and then puts up with some ribbing from his band-mates about being Tyra’s prostitute, who doesn’t get “paid … or laid.” Rimshot! Actually, it was kind of cute. The drummer wonders if they’ll ever land a gig, and I know, right? I’ve been thinking the exact same thing! Anyway, Landry tutors Tyra, and she monopolizes his time, until one afternoon, Landry’s brain puts all the pieces together. He realizes just how selfish Tyra is, and how much she takes him for granted, and what the what! He walks away! But not before he compares their relationship to The Giving Tree, where Landry equals the tree, Tyra equals the little boy, and x equals all the people at home who said, “Aw, I used to love that book!” Tyra, stunned by Landry’s backbone, enlists Julie to visit a local bar to find Crucifictorious a gig, and then shows up at his house to snark that she does care about him, she isn’t selfish, and go take your stupid band and play at the bar you’re not old enough to drink at. Crucifictorious sounds really good, despite the doubts of Tyra, Julie, Saracen, and myself, and Tyra starts reconsidering Landry as boyfriend material. Oh brother.

Next, we have my favorite part, which is where Buddy Garrity turns into the Biggest Loser in Dillon, and not even because he holds “business meetings” at The Landing Strip. At said meeting, he learns that the $70,000 he invested in a “sure thing” tanked, and he lost everything. To be fair, OUCH. I’d have flipped out too, which is what Buddy does, beating his business partner to a pulp and landing the night in jail. But even that’s not the worst part, because then we find out that Buddy used Lyla’s college money to gamble away, er, invest! Lyla shacks up with Tim to escape her loser-father, refusing to speak with him, and delivers her best speech of the season (that’s two episodes in a row, now!) when she tells off Buddy for being a bad husband and a bad father. A temper tantrum? No. This one’s justified. We end this episode with Buddy looking slightly suicidal and Lyla living in Beautiful-ville.

Sex, Part II. Coach Taylor receives the shock of his life when he arrives at the Saracen household to pick up Julie. Where Coach comes from, I guess, when no one answers the door, you can, you know, just enter. I doubt he’ll make that mistake ever again, as he discovers Matt and Julie alone in the house, post-coital, in bed, half-naked, who knows what-ing, and Coach bolts right back out and quietly waits in the car for a humiliated Julie. Mama T freaks out a little when she learns the news, but to their credits, and no one’s more shocked than I am, neither Coach nor Mama T yell at Julie. Possibly because they realize that this is a fact of life, and there is nothing at all they can realistically do to prevent this. Eventually, Mama T and Julie have a heart to heart, with Mama T crying over words like “protection,” and Julie crying because she’s afraid she’s disappointed her parents. Coach deliberately intimidates Saracen a little bit, but mostly tries to pretend it never happened. Because as we already know, Matt Saracen is awesome!

And because Coach has bigger problems! That’s right – it’s finally time to talk about the big game! This week, the Panthers aren’t just playing a rival football team, but they also have to deal with a set of refs determined to miss every foul and penalty against the Panthers’ opponents. Though Coach tells the team they are going to keep their tempers and play their game, he manages to ignore his own advice, throwing a temper tantrum on the field after a series of fouls and late hits. I’ve been on that end before, and it is no fun at all trying to keep your cool while the refs ignore every illegal move and you risk injury, and then you’re called for the slightest thing, and – wait, better you don’t get me started. Anyway, Coach throws a fit so huge, it’s more shocking that he doesn’t give himself a heart attack. Instead, the refs toss him from the game as a stern Papa McCoy looks on. Coach immediately heads for a bar with a television. Or maybe it was a trailer. I don’t know where the heck he is. Wade Aikman is now running the team in Coach’s absence, and though Coach calls Wade’s cell to continue running his plays, Wade runs into kkkkk-some-kkkkk-interference-kkkkk-in a tunnel-kkkkk, hangs up and calls the last several plays himself, which catapult the Panthers to the win. The Panthers win! The Panthers win! And I think we all know that some coach is going to be really popular tomorrow, and some other coach won’t be.

Now, this isn’t good, because that means the “spoiler” I read about the end of the season seems to be coming true. And with that, we have three episodes left, and all I’ve got to say to you die hard fans is … uh oh…

Next week: Domestic violence in Dillon!

Season 3, Episode 10: The Giving Tree (originally aired December 10, 2008 on DIRECTV)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Friday Night Lights, click here.

Fridays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of Bill Records and NBC Universal

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