The Amazing Race: C-K-V-O-H-E-H spells VEHKCOH

So we’ve had four legs now and four different winners.  I should be happy there’s not a young, pretty team completely dominating everyone else – as it does give the season a whiff of unpredictability – and yet, I find that without a few clearly competent teams to root for, the whole season just feels a little Welcome Back, Kotter.

First off, there’s the M&M teams, Mel & Mike and Mark & Michael.  When I saw Mel & Mike take off from that mat in Transylvania first, my initial thought was. . .umm, who are these guys again?  At the top of the hour Mike tried to describe Mel for us as Woody Allen crossed with Billy Graham with a little Judy Garland.  If only.  Personally, I would love to see the producers cast an evangelical neurotic Christian alcoholic with a great singing voice.  Especially if he were married to his stepdaughter.  Sadly, all Mel has is a troubling groin.

Then there’s Mark & Michael, the stuntmen brothers who appear to fundamentally misunderstand the purpose of the race.  In the past, they’ve been entirely to lackadaisical about getting to where they need to be, y’know, fast, and this week was no exception.  A detour option required them to put together shutters and then find the marked house on which to install them.  Mark & Michael found the place containing the shutters, and the tools with  which to put them together, and then proceeded to pick up the materials and then look for the house.   Leaving the tools behind them.  And then they couldn’t find the house.  So they went back to the shed and put together the shutters.  But then, on the way out, they run into Mel & Mike, who were just arriving.  Instead of leaving Mark & Michael behind them, they instead take up Mike’s offer to help them find the house if Mark & Michael help them put together the shutters.  Which just seems like a monumental waste of time.  Which isn’t what you do when you’re on a, y’know, RACE.

Luckily, Margie & Luke have not forgotten that they are on a race (although they seem to forget from time to time that Jaime & Cara are on the same one), which leads to some frustration on Luke’s part.  Poor Luke had a problem coming up with the name Chekhov when presented with the letters C-K-V-O-H-E-H and given the clue to name a Russian playwright.  Now, how you felt about Luke’s conundrum largely depends on whether you know that Chekhov is a Russian playwright or if you only have some vague recollection of once hearing the name Chekhov and know he, like, wrote something sometime of some import.  Rather than tell you what category I’m in, I’ll just say, Rock on, Luke.  And Victor, you suck.

Jaime and Cara don’t suck.  At the beginning of the episode, they got handed a golden opportunity to seriously lead another team down the wrong path, but couldn’t keep up a straight face long enough to do it.  You see, Mark & Michael were in a cab and decided to use their driver’s phone to call the airport.  The driver, for reasons unknown, called Jaime & Cara’s driver and then handed Michael the phone.  Jaime & Cara found themselves on the phone with Michael, and proceeded to pretend to be a Lufthansa agent.  But they didn’t do much damage, because they were giggling like 8-year-olds asking you if your refrigerator is running.

Okay, so I giggled a little bit there too.

I giggled also during the stacking wood detour option, where the teams were required to stack a very, very large amount of wood with the kind of precision that rivals an intense game of Jenga.  Wood was stacked, and then wood fell.  Two teams switched detours, including Amanda and Kris.

Poor Amanda & Kris.  They fell victim to the race’s first blind U-turn, which allows a team to U-turn another team, only without identifying themselves.  Don’t know if I’m a fan.  Personally, I love it when the teams know who U-turned them and get all righteously indignant.  Given that the team who U-turned Amanda & Kris was Margie & Luke, I feel especially deprived.  Frankly, I would love to know what righteous indignation towards this particular team of mother and deaf son would look like.

But I won’t know.  Amanda & Kris were eliminated before finding out whodunit.  They were a lovely enough team, I guess, but still, like with everybody else, all I feel is. . . .blah.

Season 14, Episode 4: It was Like a Caravan of Idiots (originally aired March 8, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Siberian Grind by Paul Secrest.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS