The Amazing Race: That’s gotta chafe.

We get a big bunch from the get-go, with all teams headed to Novosibirsk, Russia, on the same train.  They all ride in one of those sleeper cars, which rocks Margie to a peaceful sleep, but isn’t exactly the ideal sleeping arrangements for Jen or for Mike.  Mike tells us that after finding out that Margie and Luke yielded Amanda and Kris during the last leg, he realizes that this mother and son are power players.

And maybe they are.  After all, they did come in first this leg, which is noteworthy given that the teams, for all intents and purposes, started the leg at the same time.  The problem is, they insist on having an alliance with Jaime and Cara, and while it appears to be fruitful right now, it really doesn’t exactly put them in the most competitive light.  I mean, I like this particular foursome generally, because I think the connection between the team members is organic, but still. . .RACE!

Eventually, this foursome will have to take a page out of the Tammy/Victor playbook or get eliminated trying.  Tammy and Victor this week first said that there were no allegiances in this game, and they believed that. . .until they formed an allegiance.  The teams hit a detour at Punkt Technicheskogo Osmotra (which do you think Phil enjoys learning more – sign language or how to say Punkt Technicheskogo Osmotra?) giving them the option of Russian bride or Russian snowplow.  To me, easy choice, but instead of choosing on their own, Tammy and Victor ask the aforementioned foursome what they picked.  When both teams say snowplow, that’s what they do, figuring that if they stick with the pack, they are less likely to find themselves alone, lost, and last.  Smart.  But then when Luke and Margie have to pull over and ask a woman for directions, Tammy and Victor hear what the woman has to say and take off, without waiting for their new alliance members.  So that allegiance was pretty short-lived; picked up when it was helpful, and immediately dropped when it was not.

Luke and Margie, take note.  That’s how alliance building helps you in the race.

At the snowplow challenge, Tammy and Victor immediately find the proper machinery, but Teams Margie and Luke and Jaime and Cara walk around aimlessly for a bit before identifying the correct vehicle.  There’s an awesome moment when a man has to kick Margie out of his truck and direct her to the correct machine.  Tammy’s worried about being able to drive the stick vehicle.  As she pointed out earlier, she fits the typical Asian/bad driver stereotype.  I’m amused that the competitive overachiever who withholds her own opinions in deference to her older, male family member finds it necessary to point out that she fits this stereotype.  Actually, I’m waiting for Tammy and Victor to hit a roadblock where they have to form a violin/piano playing duo so they can really just cross all those pesky stereotypes off the list.

Anyway, the teams make it out of the snowplow course with little fanfare.  Same with Mike and Mark, who might be small, but don’t shrink at driving big vehicles. ( I feel like I should be embarrassed that I wrote that last sentence, but I’m not sure why.)  The other three teams, Kish and Jen, Mel and Mike, and Jodi and Christie, chose brides, in part because it sounds more fun.  They basically drive to an apartment building to pick up a bride, drive her to a church, and get a picture snapped.  Now, if you initially thought that sounds like too much driving, you pretty much figured out why I would’ve chosen snowplow.  Jodi and Christie get lost trying to find the church, and Kish and Jen don’t fare well trying to navigate a stick shift through Russian traffic in icy weather.

Yet, if they’d known what was in store for a member of their team, I’m sure that they would have appreciated those toasty cars more.  You see, the roadblock clue this episode asked, “Who has stamina and absolutely no shame?”   Hands down, the best reaction to this question was Jaime, who looked appropriately terrified at the question.  Cara says she’ll take it. . .before opening the clue and realizing that she’s going to have to run 1.4 miles in 27 degree weather. . .in her underwear.

Jaime totally owes Cara, y’all.

In case you’re keeping track, along with Cara, Luke, Tammy, Mike, and Mark have some shame.  I’m giving them some, because they actually were wearing full, backside-covering underwear.  Jen, not so much.  Luckily the producers were prepared, because no one needs an FCC fine, so Jen got some brightly colored lime green undies in which to run.  Christie was not so lucky.  When I realized that Christie was wearing a thong, I immediately pictured that guy in the editing room, who really wanted to work for Survivor so he could put his butt-blurring skills to maximal use, but instead got The Amazing Race, where his biggest responsibility is trying to find a way to make a 6-hour lapse between teams look like a 5 minute one.  But then he heard about this 1.4 mile run in the undies, and he wished fervently every night that maybe, just maybe, an attractive woman would wear a thong on this critical leg.  So for that guy, I say, Thank You, Christie.

As for me, I thank the DVR technology that gave me the ability to pause a frame of The Amazing Race this week so I can get a good belly laugh in at the sight of Phil Keoghan standing there in his skivvies and big black boots.  Kinda awesome, that was.

In the end, Jodi and Christie came in last, but were spared elimination.  These guys have shown me nothing that suggests that they will survive next week’s team-specific obstacle, but in this Welcome Back, Kotter season, who knows?  Maybe they’ll show remarkable perseverance in the traditionally difficult India leg next week.   They just have to show more heart than Kisha and Jen, who have yet to say a single positive thing about anything in the race so far.

Or maybe just form an allegiance of convenience with Margie and Luke?  Tammy and Victor can tell you, they’re open for it.

Season 14, Episode 5: She’s a Little Scared of Stick, But I Think She’ll Be Okay (originally aired March 15, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Frozen Assets by Paul Secrest.

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Photographs courtesy of CBS