Top Chef: He’s a Bit of a Twat, But Who’s Not?

If last week’s adjective was “bittersweet,” this week’s is Disappointing.

Please note that I did not enjoy recapping this episode at all, and watching it a second time as prep was painful. And I think that means a lot after all of the nonsense I’ve had to recap over at Fringe. Thank you, Charlie Francis! I don’t think there was one good thing about this episode. Except that someone finally called Rocco DiSpirito crazy.

Let’s begin the worst episode ever by listening to the chefs go on about how cool it is to be in the final three and how ready they are, and how much they have to prove and all the usual nonsense that gets thrown around in the final episode. Stefan still thinks he has it in the bag and Hosea’s still gunning for Stefan. So, you know, nothing’s changed.

Final Elimination Challenge. “Cook the best three course meal of your life,” dessert not required. The chefs will cook and serve their diners in Commander’s Palace. This year’s sous-chefs turn out to be: Marcel (with his too cool for school Ray Bans), Casey (sans highlights), and Richard. The past “almost were,” if you will. The chefs draw knives for selection order, and Hosea’s up first and chooses Richard, because he thought Richard was going to win last season. Obviously, Hosea didn’t realize they were deliberately prepping last season for a female win, no matter what. Sorry, Stephanie! I love you! But seriously, what a set up. Anyway, Stefan chooses Marcel, and Carla’s stuck with Casey. But she really wanted her, so it all works out! Now, why is Casey here? She wasn’t first runner up, was she? Where’s Dale? Or did they just need a woman to add a little spice to the selection? Who knows, but the pairings seem to be appropriate, personality- and skill-wise. As Stefan puts it about Marcel, “He’s a bit of a twat. But who’s not?” Which … all things said about Stefan, a truer statement has never been spoken. Especially about, and/or coming from Stefan.

On this first day, the chefs have two hours to prep. Most notably, Hosea’s decided to treat this like a competition (Finally! Can you believe it?) and takes all the food he wants, including most of the foie gras and the caviar. Stefan just can’t get over the fact that Hosea’s grown balls. I wonder if someone talked some sense into Hosea during the finale break. Maybe it was his girlfriend when she broke up with him. Do you think?

Hosea says he’s a flavor junkie, as though other chefs are Masters of Bland and prefer it that way. Carla’s creating a French menu, with meat and potatoes. Casey’s suggestion is to sous-vide the meat. And Carla, who believes in sharing the love (not in a dirty way), agrees. Because, why not? I’ll tell you why not, Carla. Because this is a competition! You have never done well in any contest on this show where you had to follow someone else’s guidelines and cooked food you were not familiar/comfortable with. Hello? Hootie?

The next morning, the chefs arrive at Commander’s Palace, greeted by Colicchio. He throws them the obligatory twist, which is to create an appetizer for their three course meal, using red fish, crab, or … alligator. Obviously, no one wants the alligator. The chefs dive into a king cake and Hosea strikes gold! As the winner, he doles out the proteins: the red fish for himself, crab for Carla, and the alligator to Stefan. Nice.

In the kitchen, the chefs get to steppin’. Stefan’s never cooked alligator before, and for a moment, you can almost feel sorry for him. I’ve never hated Stefan – in fact, I dislike Hosea significantly more, and I worry this might do Stefan in. He cuts off the tail and slices it open, and honestly, it’s disgusting. He decides to do alligator soup. Not that I’d ever eat it.

Stefan opts for a dessert as part of his menu (and squab! Miss you, Tim!), because a full menu contains dessert, naturally. Hosea chooses to cook another protein. Crazy Carla finishes her French menu with a cheese course. Once again, Casey changes Carla’s mind: instead of the cheese tart that Carla had planned, Casey suggests a cheese soufflé instead. Carla goes for it.

Big sigh.

Now for the food! Among the diners: Fabio, Gail Simmons and her bosom, Rocco, Ti Martin, Toby Young, and Branford Marsalis.

For the appetizers, each of the three score highly with all of the guests. No one misfires here, even Stefan’s alligator, which does a strong job of impressing everyone. The first course reveals weaknesses: Carla’s dish impresses everyone at the table, but Hosea’s and Stefan’s are both considered bland.

During the second course, however, Carla falls very, very flat, as her meat in the sous-vide style did not cook well at all. Toby Young sums it up perfectly (and that’s a first), saying that “when Carla said that she was giving her version of meat and potatoes, the last thing I expected her to produce was what we saw in front of us.” Someone else points out that she “lost the soul” she had in the first dish. Another big sigh.

Stefan’s and Hosea’s dishes both do very well with the judges. Except for Rocco. Naturally. He takes issue with Hosea’s scallops and foie gras, but he’s tired of eating foie gras. Nobody else seems to share this problem, and Branford Marsalis says, “I didn’t agree with that. I think Rocco’s crazy, I could eat foie gras all day.” That’s probably Rocco laughing in the background with everyone else. Probably.

For the final dish, Stefan thinks Hosea took the easy way out by cooking venison. Meanwhile, Carla forgot to turn down her oven, and she overcooks her cheese soufflé to the point of it being unservable. At this point, we all know Carla’s not winning. THANKS, CASEY. You’re the worst sous-chef ever.

Stefan’s dessert, while delicious, comes off as dated and uninspired. Even Fabio questions why Stefan ended the competition with this dish, and, put on the spot, agrees that Hosea closed the meal with a stronger finish. Another chef calls Hosea’s venison, while delicious, a safe way out.

Judges’ Table. Toby Young guests. Carla comes in with a defeated attitude, not that you can blame her. You know you lost, how do you remain high? It’s not exactly an “I have no regrets” kind of situation, as she clearly does.

Hosea defends his choice not to do dessert, saying he’d rather show off his flavor combinations with strong dishes. Stefan claims that his dessert was a successful final note for his time on Top Chef. When asked why he should win, Stefan simply says, “I deserve it. Overall. I’ve been very consistent…So…”

Hosea says his dinner was delicious and bold. Carla tears up when she says that when she cooks “her food,” she creates delicious food. She basically acknowledges that she failed by following Casey’s advice, by saying that “do I think that my food is good? Yes. When I make it, yes.” Stefan tries to comfort her, before the judges and later in the Stew Room.

The judges continue deliberating, knocking Carla out of contention immediately. When Toby calls Hosea out for not doing dessert, Colicchio calls the comment irrelevant, as dessert was not required. Padma calls Stefan’s dessert “pedestrian at best.” I love it when Padma gets snarky. When Colicchio and Gail say that Stefan’s food lacked soul, Toby says that “if we’re going to give it to the most soulful chef, we should give it to Carla.” How awesome would that turn of events be?

Bring them back out, and “Congratulations, Hosea, you are Top Chef.” He’s annoyingly “in shock” and happy. The former contestants come out to congratulate him, and there’s an awkward moment where the editors linger on Dr. Chase looking bummed. Hilarious.

So: Disappointing! I’m disappointed that Stefan didn’t put up more of a fight or personality during Judges’ Table, because to be honest, I think it would have helped him. The care he showed Carla should have come out more when he spoke with the judges. I’m disappointed in Carla for listening to Casey, I’m disappointed in Casey for not being Dale, I’m disappointed in Marcel for not stirring up trouble, and I’m disappointed in Hosea for winning. I haven’t been this bummed after watching television since fans voted Chris Daughtry off of American Idol. Am I right?

As for the good news, I don’t owe Perlow a martini. More bad news, he’s not buying mine. Nobody tell him his Top Four was closer to being right than mine. On the other hand, he called Stefan only last week to win, and I … remained silent.

And so! Until Season 6, adios fans, and may every day be filled with your own amuse bouches.

Next week: Make Me a Supermodel arrives for Season 2. You’re watching that one on your own, folks.

Season 5, Episode 14: Finale Part 2 (originally aired February 25, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Hosea Hears a Hootie Who by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Virginia Sherwood and NBC Universal