Top Chef: Hosea Hears a Hootie Who

Thirteen episodes and a lot of extra fifteen minutes later, we are here at the final episode of Season 5 of Top Chef.  To celebrate this accomplishment, our three finalists–Carla, Stefan, and Hosea–go for a morning ride on the Creole Queen paddlewheeler before their final challenge.  Padma explains that they will each serve a head-to-head three-course meal to a party of 12.  There are no limits on what they can make and they do not need to make a dessert.  They will have assistance from three former Top Chef finalists who did not win the big prize: Marcel (Season Two), Casey (Season Three), and Richard (Season Four).  Hosea selects Richard; Stefan selects Marcel, and Carla gets Casey by default because she’s a woman and chose last or something.  Of note, Marcel’s hair is finally under control and Richard does not look as tired as I remember.

In the kitchen Stefan is running around like a jerk and complaining about Hosea taking all of the ingredients he wants to use.  (Serenity now!)  Carla is working her simple foods magic but takes too much advice from Casey, namely using the sous-vide technique to cook her meat.  Why is this not a good idea?  Because Carla has never used this technique before.  This does not bode well.

During the break, we see a voodoo witch read chicken bones for the three finalists, and Stefan asks if he will get lucky with a girl named Jamie.  More importantly, my Chick-Fil-A sandwich told me I won’t have to review the Stefan-Jamie footage during next week’s reunion episode!

The next day Chef Tom throws out the perennial twist in the finale.  (Is anyone surprised by these anymore?)  Anyway, there are three traditional New Orleans proteins: alligator, crab, and red fish; the chefs must make a passed appetizer with their ingredient.  They eat a King Cake and Hosea finds the little baby so he gets to assign the ingredients.  Stefan gets the alligator and he takes the red fish, leaving Carla with the crab.  While I’d like to see how you dress an alligator, Stefan isn’t having it and just cuts the tail off.

And now the big debate, should they make a dessert for the third course?  Stefan and Carla answer, “yes.”  Stefan is doing something with lollipops, while Carla wants to make a cheese tart.  It sounds like a good idea but then Casey talks her into doing a soufflé.  I believe this will be strike two for Carla.  Anyway, we hear more about their courses and get Marcel interviewing that he doesn’t think Stefan thought through what will happen with his frozen-then-thawed fish carpaccio.  I guess Stefan did not see how watery Spike’s frozen scallops were last season.  That’s strike one for him.  The strike out for the audience is the commercial with “Battabing Betty” from Season Two; thankfully I have DVR and can fast forward to the next scene while I remember the awesome fight between Betty and Marcel at the firehouse challenge.

Service time.  Some of the guests are Rocco DiSpirito, Hubert Keller, and Branford Marsalis.  Oh and Fabio and Toby are back.  They eat the appetizers and they seem to go over well.  For the first course, they each serve forms of fish: carpaccio-style (Stefan), snapper (Carla), and sashimi (Hosea).  As expected, Stefan’s dish got comments about being watery, though Hubert Keller liked the technique.  Carla’s fish was the most flavorful, so I guess she won that round.

For the second course, we get into meats: squab with braised cabbage (Stefan), meat and potatoes (Carla), and foie gras and scallop (Hosea).  And now Carla’s lack of judgment comes out: no one likes her tough, sous-vided meat.  Stefan’s squab was perfect and high marks for Hosea, even though Toby is tired of all the foie gras.

In the kitchen, the chefs prepare their final courses.  Carla sets the oven wrong and her soufflé curdles; she rightfully does not serve that component of her dish but then she tells everyone that she messed up.  That’s strike three and she’s not winning this one.  Stefan has a dessert plate with lots of components and it looks hokey.  Hosea sticks with his strengths and serves venison.  I suspect this was a good choice on his part.  The judges agree and Gail thinks Stefan’s dessert “sings 1982.”  (Ha!)  Fabio concurs that Stefan did not end well, especially compared to Hosea’s final course.

Judges’ Table.  Carla’s not even up for consideration because of her two lackluster dishes, especially after she explains how much she listened to Casey instead of following her original plan.  It comes down to Stefan and Hosea, and with Stefan’s watery fish and pedestrian dessert, it’s an easy choice for the judges so we won’t get the usual five-minute exposition of how difficult the judges have it.  While they deliberate the obvious, we get a glimpse of Stefan having a heart by consoling a crying Carla, who knows she dropped the ball.  And Hosea wins.

Next week we’ll get stupid highlight reels and forced smiles with Andy Cohen.  I predict we’ll hear too much about “Team Rainbow,” the Eur-Bromance, and Hosea and Leah getting hot and heavy on the couch.  And since neither Campos nor I predicted Hosea would win, I have to buy my own martini (even though she concedes I was more right than her).  And that, my friends, is the biggest tragedy of this season.

Season 5, Episode 14: Finale Part 2 (originally aired February 25, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out He’s a Bit of a Twat, But Who’s Not? by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

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Photographs courtesy of Virginia Sherwood and NBC Universal