House: Saviors

Wow. To gloss over any formalities, this episode sucked like a possessed vacuum. I’m tempted to just leave it at that. Seriously, I think this may have been the worst episode of House I’ve ever seen. Writers: the show is called House for a reason. The show is not and has never been called Every Loser Insignificant Character Except Dr. Gregory House, M.D. That should be a clue, but I’ll spell it out anyway: all people want to see-and yes, I do speak for everyone-is House. We don’t care about Thirteen or Foreman, and double that for Chase and Cameron. Fox is doing the same crap on Bones, devoting too much time to insignificant twits no one cares about, instead of Bones and Booth. That show is called Bones for a reason. Anyone else detecting a pattern here? Shows named after a character should always always always always always focus on that character. I’m sorry, supporting actors, but you’re just necessary cogs in the narrative machine. Fox is really starting to piss away two of its very best, commercially successful shows.

Okay, deep breaths. Here’s the episode. It opens with an environmental group protest. People are chained to a bulldozer, they’re parading, they’re shouting, they’re disrupting miners. Then the show uses the trick it really overuses. It shows a woman pass out and lose her pulse, but she’s not the patient. No, she wakes up from dehydration, but then this other guy starts to see things all blurry and falls down.

Now, instead of cutting to House, we cut to Cameron and Chase. Why are these characters even on the show? They’ve been on life support for forever, popping up in pointless scenes every fifth episode or so just so they can get paid. No one missed them when they left, and no one is carrying a torch for their return. And you know what the big dilemma is with them? Cameron tells Chase that she wants to push back the week-long vacation Chase arranged because she wants to get House to take a case and keep it as a favor for another doctor. Chase pouts. Seriously? Are you really making me watch this?

The environmentalist dude who hit the dirt is named Doug. See Cameron present Doug to the team. See the team collectively mumble something about exposure to toxic chemicals. See House tell Cameron-who is no longer on his team-to run a test. See little Dougie whine about the evil pesticides on his flowers in his room. People like this don’t need to be saved; they need to be locked into tool sheds and set on fire. Hey Doug, you love the environment so much, I’d be happy to arrange for you to become one with the earth again. I’ll even bring the chainsaw, don’t you worry about a thing.

The case is especially boring this week. Even the actors look like they’re all just going through the motions. Some people think he’s faking. Some people run more nondescript tests. But as a treat, interspersed throughout, we get more whiny scenes with Chase and Cameron. Cameron doesn’t want to go on the trip. Why oh why, Chase pouts. Is Cameron still in love with House? For his sake, I sure hope not. God help him if she is. Why does the dumbest character on the show have to share my namesake?

Cameron keeps doing whatever House tells her, and House wants to know why. She’s not on his team. He’s not her boss. So why does she do it? Foreman thinks she wants Kutner’s spot on the team. Cuddy wants to make sure that Cameron isn’t in love with House (so does Chase). Cameron thinks Cuddy is “marking her territory” and that she is in love with House. I think that I don’t care. Seriously, I don’t. I hate to say it, but I feel like House may be slowly on its way out. How many more obscure medical mysteries can they come up with? The formula has gotten rather unbearable, and save for Hugh Laurie and occasionally Lisa Edelstein, there’s really no one worth watching on the show.

House and Wilson have a couple of nice moments, and we get to see House playing the piano, which I’m always for. But as if it wasn’t enough, at the end House starts seeing visions of Amber. I guess that’s what we get to look forward to for the rest of the season. Why can’t Cutthroat Bitch stay dead?

Season 5, Episode 21: Saviors (originally aired April 13, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out My Mojo Hangs in the Balance by Robin Reed.

For more on House, click here.

House, Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of FOX Broadcasting Company and IMDbPro