Crank: High Voltage – A Spilt Decision

Jaimie calls Crank: High Voltage Implausibility at its Best

Some of you eagle-eyed readers might know that I’m a Jason Statham fan, and as such, I’ll go watch just about anything he’s in. But Crank: High Voltage was such a great, well-done movie, I’d tell you to go see it even if my boy, for some reason, was crazy enough to have turned it down.

If you’ve seen Crank, then you’ve seen most of CHV. Which normally serves as a warning to stay away from a movie – why watch a sequel film that just rehashes everything that happened in the movie before it? Because this time, they do it even better! If you liked the first Crank, then you will absolutely enjoy the second. Gunfights? Check. Sex? Check. Stereotypes and arch villains? Check and Check. Countless F-bombs? F***ing check. Amy Smart shirtless? Check, if that’s your thing. Jason Statham shirtless? Well, that is MY thing, but no, not this time. Open heart surgery doesn’t count. And trust me, I was looking. No movie’s perfect though, I guess.

As for the story, the plot follows closely to the first film, with some minor updates: Man needs to keep his artificial heart beating long enough to find his actual heart and have it implanted back into his body. This means tasering himself and sticking his fingers into cigarette lighters, among other stunts which would kill any real person. Mayhem, naturally, ensues.

The sequel excels at introducing new storytelling elements, from the editing to the Scrubs sequences. Where other sequels take what worked and then push those elements too far (here’s looking at you, The Mummy Returns), CHV borrows the essentials, and introduces some new ones. It would have been easy to go too over the top, especially with a movie based so far from reality, but the directors keep the established believability in check, acknowledge all of the implausibility, and then push us just far enough. The editing and the soundtrack choices suit the film so well, I found myself wondering who directed this (answer: Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor) and why I haven’t I seen more of their work (answer: I did, and it was Crank)? I look forward to seeing more of what Neveldine and Taylor have to offer.

The acting delivers as it should: the thugs are thugs, the leads are entertaining, and no one’s winning an academy award for this. Statham and Smart are just as likeable with their surprising chemistry as they were the first time around. Jason Statham wears the same expression the whole film, and Amy Smart has fewer inhibitions than I do. The supporting actors, especially Efren Ramirez and Clifton Collins Jr., fill their roles perfectly, riveting to watch without stealing their scenes.

The only real negative I can find is Bai Ling, who I have to admit, I’ve never found enjoyable in anything I’ve seen her in. She’s too over the top here and more irritating than appealing, but her absurdness fits in well with the film. There is one thing you can say about her: she knows how to commit to a part. Her crazy intensity carries through from start to finish.

There’s a lot I want to tell you about CHV, but I don’t want to give away some of the best parts. Like the time Statham fought like a – oh wait. But trust me, it was good.

I know the summer blockbuster season is still a few weeks away, and there are plenty of other movies that are sure to impress us, but for a jump start on another action packed summer, check out Crank: High Voltage. Thank me later.

And did I mention I like Jason Statham? Because. I. Do.

…but Tanya doesn’t feel quite the same…

I’ll cut to the chase and state upfront that this was easily the worst movie I’ve seen all year.  Jason Statham (The Bank Job, Snatch) returns as Chev Chelios, hunted hitman. When we last left him he was hurtling toward the earth after being thrown from a plane.  Guess what? He’s still alive.  That right there should be proof enough that this flick was beyond ridiculous.  This time around some Asian mafioso types replace his heart with an artificial one.  They implant his heart into the local crime boss, an old gangster on his last leg.  Chelios spends the entire movie trying to survive long enough to get his heart back.  The problem is that his artificial heart is not designed to last for more than 48 hours. He’s equipped with some sort of battery pack that measures his heart’s remaining “juice,” kinda like bars on a cell phone. When he gets down to one bar, he better re-charge or he’ll die.  He starts kicking ass all over town and reunites with his old girl from the first movie, Eve (Amy Smart, The Butterfly Effect).   The movie continues to devolve as the pair enjoys a public romp in an effort to keep Chelios’ heart pumping overtime.  This time they knock boots on a racetrack in front of thousands of people.  I’m not sure there was any real point to this scene, other than to be absurd.

Much like its predecessor, Crank: High Voltage is a movie best enjoyed by 12 year old boys.  It was over the top, from start to finish.  Oh sure, it was cool to see Chelios open up a can on people – but eventually the movie just becomes laughable.  From Chelios electrocuting himself repeatedly, to surviving numerous assorted ass-whoopings and mishaps, the movie was a joke. And maybe that’s the point.  I hope they aren’t aiming for a trilogy, though sadly it appeared that the ending left room for the possibility.

The Amazing Race: B*tch-tastic

If I had a nickel for every time Margie, Luke, Kisha, or Jen let fly the “B” word last night, you know, the one that means lady dog, I’d probably be rocking at least a solid 50 cents. I hope those parental guidance councils that always seem to be recommending TAR for family audiences don’t use this episode as their yardstick, or the race might find itself on the blacklist with Nip/Tuck and South Park.

What led to all the, ahem, complaining, was a series of clue box scuffles between Luke and the sisters that with the help of physics, poor sportsmanship, Luke’s deafness, Margie’s oversensitivity, and some good old fashioned misunderstanding grew into something most closely resembling the old school East Coast/West Coast rap feud. First time around, Luke beat Jen to the box fair and square. She got grabby, he threw an elbow. Both were clearly in the wrong. Next time Jen was the clear winner, but momentum carried Luke’s mass straight into hers and Jen cried foul. From the first face-off onwards, both teams’ dialogue seemed to consist solely of (delicately censored) phrases like “I called him a twitch, ’cause that was a witch move” or “well, she can’t go calling me a snitch, her mama’s a glitch” repeated ad nauseam in multiple languages (counting American Sign Language). Who knew the deaf community had gone out of their way to come up with signs for swearing? By the end of the leg, Margie had mistaken Kisha & Jen’s bemused snickering detachment at how far out of hand the situation had become as mean spirited mockery of Luke’s disability, which it almost certainly wasn’t. Phil even stepped in to play Dr… um… Phil… for the dueling duos. I hope cooler heads begin to prevail during the pit stop, because I really don’t want any reasons to dislike Margie & Luke.

Enough about all of that unpleasantness, you’re probably wondering what delights the rest of the episode held. Good flight booking put everyone other than the hopelessly time delayed Mark & Michael in a dead heat in the city of Guilin, China. Tammy & Victor had the massive advantage of actually knowing how to speak Mandarin, so you can hardly blame the rest of the pack for sticking right on their heels. The road block was a marvelously cool exercise in helping local fishermen train their cormorants (a decent sized waterfowl that reminded me of a black pelican without the chin bucket) by tossing ten fish for them to retrieve. No major hurdle, but Luke took a nasty beak nip to the hand and Tammy watched in helpless amusement as her birds threatened to fly the coop. The detours were conveniently located near each other in a lovely city park and offered the option to learn a ballroom dance routine or master a primer in the art of Chinese calligraphy. Tammy & Victor, Margie & Luke, and Kisha & Jen all went for the penmanship lesson and finished in tandem, leading to a virtually simultaneous three way finish. Kisha & Jen took first for the bonus prize, but they’ll all be taking off on the next leg together. Jamie & Cara understandably opted to get their groove on, but wound up in 4^th when even their professional cheerleading skills weren’t enough to impress the Chinese equivalents of Len, Bruno, and Carrie Ann on their first several attempts.

While TAR’s remarkable and underrated editors made a valiant effort to make M&M look like they had a shot for as long as possible, it became clear fairly quickly that this leg was their recreational farewell tour, and at least it was a fun one. The speed bump let them channel their inner Warren Beatty at a beauty salon where two adorable old ladies needed a wash n’ dry. And the delightfulness of seeing two little folk ballroom dance cannot be denied. They took their ouster with grace, but I’m sure they’ll always shed a little tear of shame and regret every time they pay a cabbie.

Season 14, Episode 9: Our Parents Will Cry Themselves to Death (originally aired April 19, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Quit Your Bitching by Alana D.

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS

The Office: Michael Scott vs. Dwight K. Schrute

This week, master and apprentice were pitted against each other for the fate of the greater Scranton area paper supply. It wasn’t quite Highlander, but still.

It turns out after failing to follow Michael to his new paper company, Dwight did not abandon Michael. He’s been committing corporate sabotage by handing over company information to Michael in the parking lot. Dwight wasn’t very happy with new boss Charles and his full-length sleeve dress code. It wasn’t a dress code; it was a death sentence and straight jacket. When Michael was in charge it was like the Roman Empire, the Wild West, and war-torn Poland. In that atmosphere of chaos Dwight soared. So he continued to help his personal hero Michael, until a cool, new, Will Smith-like guy made everything different.

Charles who thought Dwight was weird – he’d prefer not to sit, less blood clots – Charles still admired Dwight’s work ethic. He wanted to give him more responsibility and take him out for a drink – something Michael certainly never did. Dwight actually got a little teary. And then he betrayed Michael.

Dwight met with Michael in the parking lot and hidden behind him was Charles. Dwight told him about the client poaching. Charles wanted Michael to leave Dunder Mifflin alone. Did Michael understand? But Michael understood nothing. So to get back at Dwight, Michael went after his biggest client, Mr. Schofield. He worked his rolodex with his commented cards like a pro. Pam spent a month putting that info in his blackberry, but now Michael just uses it as a nightlight. Yet Michael got the meeting with the big client, and Dwight asked Michael to meet in the parking lot to ask for a truce.

After exposing his green briefs to prove he wasn’t wired – lovely – Dwight tried to prove his good will by offering to take the MSPC folks out to lunch. But while Michael, Pam and Ryan were waiting at Alfredo’s, Dwight snuck into their office, put a fish in their ceiling, and stole everything from Michael’s desk, including his rolodex. Michael unleashed the wolf.

Using Michael’s rolodex comments – including Dwight’s own, which comments read “Tall. Beets.” – Dwight started picking through Michael’s client list. But Michael Scott did not go down easily. He went to Mr. Schofield and called Dwight from the meeting so he could listen to him steal his biggest client. Dwight drove in a rage down to Mr. Schofield’s office and barged in on the meeting. Then he read off of Michael’s cards and asked Mr. Schofield about his gay son, the homosexual sophomore. That did not go over well. Turned out, Michael color coded his notes – most of the colors meant don’t say it. So Michael won the client and the battle, but maybe not the war.

In other Office awesomeness, Jim was busy concentrating his pranking skills on Andy. It seemed Andy put a lot of deposits down for his wedding to Angela, but she was sleeping with Dwight for years – the timeline’s messy – so Jim and Pam were looking for bargains in the haunted graveyard of their love. However, when Pam decided she didn’t want Andy’s a cappella group to sing “You Can Call Me Al” as she walked down the aisle or a crucifix cake, Andy started to believe that Pam was being bossy. Andy talked to Jim about it and his concern that he was heading down the same road and that maybe Pam was not good for him. Jim broke down with hilarious tears, because it was so scary how right the things Andy was saying were, especially since he was coming at it with almost no knowledge, so of course Jim trusted his opinion. Andy, clearly oblivious to the fact that Jim was playing him, decided that he would help his buddy Jim out. But Jim didn’t know if he could break it off with Pam. You see, he’s very emotionally needy. But Andy was there for him.

Andy was there when Jim messed up a sales call and thought he sucked. Because when Jim looks in the mirror he doesn’t like what he sees, but Andy didn’t think he should worry because his body’s a ten. (Agreed!) Andy was also there when Jim was upset and crying in the hallway. And Andy was there to confront the office on whatever upset Jim so much. But Phyllis – always observant – pointed out that Jim was messing with Andy as Jim smiled goofily from the kitchen. Andy went in there and Jim pointed out that there were two things Andy didn’t understand. 1) He and Pam are very happy together, and 2) what happened with Angela was a bummer but he’ll find someone else again, Jim promised. (Cue collective aww!)

And as a final note, I want to see that blooper tape from when Pam, Ryan and Michael caught all those cheese puffs in their mouths. How they did that, I will never understand.

Season 5, Episode 22: Heavy Competition (originally aired April 16, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC

The Tudors: Deck the Gallows with Necks of Rebels

Last week I fell asleep and the good folks at Showtime heard my prayer and announced The Tudors is going off the air after next season.  This week, we’re singing deck the halls on The Tudors as Henry is visited by the three spirits of his first wives.  Oh who am I kidding, nothing that interesting happens.

Picture it, London, Christmastide, 1536.  We’re treated to a mass with children in white forming a cross.  As a symbol of holiness, no doubt, we see naked Lady Misseldon being sketched like Rose in Titanic.  Her fiance walks in, isn’t amused, but gets shoved by the artist.  Of course the artist gets Henry’s pardon because Henry is the one who wanted the naked portrait in the first place.  It’s good to be the king!

In court, Henry welcomes Mary’s former governess, Lady Salisbury, who comes to speak on behalf of her son, Reginald Pole, who we know became a cardinal last week.  Henry is still not happy with him for refusing a bishopric.  As a Christmas surprise, Mary and Queen Jane present Henry’s second daughter, Elizabeth.  But then the big entertainment: Sir Robert Aske of the recent “pilgrimage”/rebellion arrives, kneels and kisses Henry’s ring.  They meet in private and Henry upholds all of the promises made by Sir Charles Brandon.  Aske is grateful, but I’m suspicious of it all.  Probably because I recall my history.  Notably absent from that history is the first gratuitous sex scene of the season with Sir Bryan and Queen Jane’s sister-in-law.

Mary comes to meet with Aske privately and he hopes she’ll one day succeed to the throne.  Aske returns to the north to share the good promises of the king, but the others are not convinced and resume their rebellion.

Queen Jane learns two important matters after the fact: her father died and Henry has taken Lady Misseldon as a mistress.  She takes both rather well.  Good for her!

As Henry admires the portrait of Misseldon like a “skin mag,” he tells Brandon and Cromwell about the oath they must administer to the rebels.  No oath, no clemency, no head left on them when Henry is done.  He also gives order to delay the parliament at York.  Brandon is disappointed because he had to go back on his word.  Henry does not care because of the great sin of rebellion and insurrection.

Up north, the rebels are ambushed and attacked.  A few escape to tell Aske and the others of the betrayal.  In response, Cromwell imposes martial law on the north and then we see some fun footage of peasants being roughed up and dragged before Brandon for swearing of the oath.  Those who refuse are taken out to be hanged in the field as the women and children look on and scream.  I suppose this is to demonstrate the cruelty of Henry as he advances into middle age.  Because throwing out his first wife and having his second executed wasn’t cruel enough, of course.

At this point I think the episode has to be over, but it’s not.  Brandon enjoys some solitude and ale as he thinks about what orders he gave that day.  If I had some ale, I’d join him.  Anyway, the next day he goes to Lord Darcy and Aske and requests them to return to London with him.  Aske remains loyal to the king but Darcy is unpersuaded.  Brandon gives them no choice and they leave with him.

Henry and Jane eat dinner, well more like Henry teases Jane for eating quail eggs two days in a row.  This is code for them that she’s with child.  This pleases Henry.  Downstairs, though, we get to watch someone tortured and none of that stuff you read about in the news but red hot pokers in the rump (don’t worry, that link is safe for work).  Speaking of getting screwed in the end, Aske arrives with Brandon but is taken to The Tower by Bryan.  Growing further frustrated with his role, Brandon must listen to Cromwell accuse him of still being a papist in his heart.  For his doubts, he is sent back up north to dole out more justice.

With Brandon gone again and unable to offer his protection, Cromwell interrogates Darcy and Aske in The Tower.  It’s a psychological game for Cromwell, with Darcy trying to turn the tables on him and Aske simply stating matters, but I found it rather dry.

As Brandon laments his impending killing spree, Henry comes to talk to Aske in The Tower, well more like present his case for the abuses of the Roman Catholic church.  They both acknowledge his fierce loyalty to the king.  We end with heads on stakes and Henry accepting a box of quail eggs for the Queen.

So how about that, this week wasn’t nearly as boring as last week.  But don’t let that fool you, it was still a snoozer.

Season 3, Episode 3 (originally aired April 19, 2009)

For more on The Tudors, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession

D.C.’s Ready to Play

Kevin Macdonald’s excellent State of Play thrives not just on thrills, sharp dialogue, and a pitch perfect cast, but on its brilliantly use of background. The country’s capital lays behind each shot, not just as a backdrop but as an important player in the intricate plot and of each political thrill. From its shadowy shots of the monuments to its dimmed U Street corners to its messy newspaper offices, Kevin Macdonald’s camera captures D.C.’s underbelly and its shiny exterior equally well as he weaves his twisting plot around D.C.’s principal players: politicians, journalists, cops, and money.

Filling in the politician role is Ben Affleck in the first role I’ve liked him in since 2002’s Sum of All Fears. Playing Congressman Stephen Collins, a young political star investigating a corrupt and powerful defense company, Affleck fills the shoes of the earnest, ambitious congressman with surprising ease. He looks like a politician (a role – rumor has it – he’s looking for in real life). But Affleck’s Collin’s is no bright-eyed, bushy tailed do-gooder. He’s been caught up investigating a company that doesn’t want investigating and seeing a young aide he shouldn’t be seeing. And when the married Congressman’s red-haired research aide and mistress (Maria Thayer) gets pushed in front of a subway car all hell breaks loose.

Trying to clean up the congressman’s mess, is Cal McAffrey (Russell Crowe), his former college roommate and a seasoned reporter from the Washington Post – I mean Washington Globe – who thinks this may have been a corporate killing and who once slept with Collins’ wife. Ah, Washington. Crowe, in his typical fashion, dissolves into his character as the imperfect truth-seeker, torn between helping his friend and getting the story.

Filling in the other journalist role, Rachel McAdams returns to the screen as the young, “doe-eyed cub reporter” Della Frye, who helps Cal unravel the clues to the mistress’s murder. And what a welcome return it was. McAdams’ feisty naïveté and Crowe’s rumpled know-how blend for a perfect onscreen crime solving team.

And aiding them along was the brilliant Helen Mirren as their ball-busting editor, who stole many a scene with her acerbic wit. Top that with a memorably hilarious turn by Jason Bateman as a junkie and bisexual PR wonk, a tough and likeable performance by Harry Lennix as the detective on the case, and a subtle, tormented performance by Robin Wright Penn as Congressman Collins’ wife and you’ve got a supporting cast most movies only dream of.

But a cast is nothing without a script, and Matthew Michael Carnahan’s does well. Adapted from an acclaimed British mini-series and touched up by The Bourne Identity’s Tony Gilroy, the script had a lot working for it. It rushed a lot of plot into two hours, but never left you feeling lost. State of Play feels hectic, it feels sneaky, it feels greedy and earnest and desperate and idealistic. British though it may have originally been, it feels very D.C.

Gripping, twisting, but comprehensible, State of Play blended the gritty with the ideal, shedding light on everything from terrorism to corporate corruption to compromising wives and uncompromising journalists. It was about pursuing the truth without ever getting stuck up in easy clichés. It’s Washington, everyone’s got secrets. State of Play’s a pretty good one.

It’s D.C. done right.

See Cameron’s review here!

Superb State of Play

State of Play is not only the first bright spot on the movie calendar in months, it’s also the best movie I’ve seen so far this year. Springtime is officially here, and State of Play feels like a breath of fresh air. It’s a superbly crafted thriller with a high pedigree that’s thrilling, emotionally involving, and it has a lot to say about our culture and the lamentable decline of print journalism and solid reporting in the age of incessant blogging, paparazzi and gossip columns. That combination of top-tier performances, timeliness, cultural commentary, first-rate entertainment and old-school star power does the incredible: it carves out a spot for State of Play in the venerable pantheon of moody 1970s thrillers. Films like Three Days of the Condor, The Parallax View, All The President’s Men, Klute, The Conversation, Serpico and Chinatown, made by a few guys named Pollack, Pakula, Coppola, Lumet and Polanski. I’m happy that I get to write about it as my 100^th review for the site.

The film is adapted from a BBC miniseries, and I’m sure everyone who saw the miniseries will be whining that the movie cut this and that and messed up such and such and whatever. I haven’t seen the miniseries, but all I can say is that I would be really surprised and hugely impressed to find that it was significantly better than this film adaptation. The screenplay is adapted by three of the sharpest writers in the movie business: Matthew Michael Carnahan, Tony Gilroy, and Billy Ray. Carnahan knows how to explosively weave politics into a narrative that moves and isn’t overtly didactic, having written The Kingdom and Lions for Lambs; after reinventing the spy genre with his literate, complex Bourne scripts, Gilroy should have won the Oscar for writing and directing Michael Clayton; and Billy Ray wrote and directed Shattered Glass and Breach. These guys are truly talented people.

Various big names were attached to State of Play over the years—including Brad Pitt and Edward Norton and Ed Zwick in the director’s chair—but I can’t imagine a better creative team than the one that ended up making the film. Russell Crowe has his best role since Ben Wade in James Mangold’s 3:10 To Yuma remake, and he delivers one of the best performances of his career as seasoned Washington D.C. newspaperman Cal McAffrey, a guy trying to hold onto his career and old-school work ethic as he’s being replaced by the blogging generation. He works for the fictional Washington Globe (a thinly veiled Washington Post) and is at the mercy of a new corporate management trying to stay in business by sacrificing quality journalism for marketable fluff and online drivel. In her best role since The Queen, Helen Mirren plays his tough editor.

McAffrey exists as the last of a dying breed (always an enjoyable story trope), a renegade dog that is becoming anachronistic in the world he inhabits. Rachel McAdams holds her own as Della Frye, a young blogger at the Globe who at first is completely incompatible with McAffrey, having been brought up on a wholly different set of professional values and journalistic standards. Finally, we have Ben Affleck playing Congressman Stephen Collins, a political bigwig investigating a private defense contractor named PointCorp (think Blackwater or Halliburton). And I know, a lot of people are going to bitch about Ben Affleck, well let me tell you: he hits all the right notes and delivers a first-rate performance. So the guy made some crap a few years ago, who hasn’t? He did a killer job directing Gone Baby Gone and I think if people give him a chance, he will bring us many good things over the years.

But anyway, for anyone who doesn’t know, the film opens with a series of murders. A young kid running scared is professionally gunned down on the streets of Washington. Then Sonia Baker, Collins’ lead researcher, is pushed in front of the Metro. McAffrey gets involved with the story, and he has a personal connection: he was Collins’ roommate in college. When allegations arise that Collins was having an affair with Baker and that she committed suicide because of it, the situation starts to spin out of control. For the media, it’s a killer story that sells. For McAffrey, it’s a lot more complicated. He comes to the aid of his friend only to discover a possible conspiracy. He starts tracking down leads that all point him in the direction that Baker was killed by PointCorp to ruin Collins’ professional life and thereby neutralize him, as currently he stands to cost the company billions of dollars.

Reluctantly at first, McAffrey has to work with Della Frye on the story. Slowly, he comes to mentor her and she proves to be an asset. It’s an enjoyable mentor/apprentice, old lion/young lion relationship to watch progress, but the filmmakers wisely resist the standard temptation to turn it into a romance thing. It’s much more meaningful that they handle it this way.

Twists after twists keep coming, but the plot never overshadows the complex emotional dynamics and layered interrelationships of the characters. Director Kevin MacDonald, who made The Last King of Scotland, is smart enough to let the actors power the story and not get in the way by announcing his presence with flashy camerawork. His direction is clean, confident and effective. The film was shot by Rodrigo Prieto both on 35mm and on Genesis, Panavision’s super high-end digital camera, which has been gaining ground in the last few years, being used to strong effect on films like The Lookout and Déjà Vu.

There are several excellent scenes of nerve-frying suspense, and the ending is unexpected and powerful. State of Play boasts an incredible supporting cast too, including Robin Wright Penn, Viola Davis, and Harry Lennix. I was really impressed and satisfied by this film, and I would strongly recommend it. It’s timely and fun. Stay tuned for the end credit sequence, which shows the process of newspapers going to press and plays like a eulogy for a noble, dying trade.

See Kaitlyn’s review here!

America’s Next Top Model: Take Me To The Photo Shoot

Dear Tyra: Why do you hate me? I’m tired of you reading my reviews and doing the exact opposite of what I want you to do.

As proof: Allison worries about her “one look,” and Aminat worries about her poor performance in the commercial. Then, I want to shoot the producers. London’s never had much of the editing focused on her, and then this week, we’re suddenly discussing her relationship with God and her role as a street preacher. This was mentioned in the semi-finals, and then never again. To hear London talk about it, she’s very much into her religion and relationship with God, so this can’t be the first week it comes up. And as we all know, when out of the blue we learn about people’s backstories and idiosyncrasies, they end up eliminated. Damn you, Tyra!

The next day, the girls meet Jay for the challenge: They will act as Creative Director, aka, Mr. Jay. Ann Shoket of Seventeen magazine arrives to help Jay judge the girls’ performances. The client, South Pole, wants the girls to create model looks that are “street style with an attitude.” Isn’t that redundant? Doesn’t street style naturally have attitude because it’s street? And shouldn’t Ann Shoket know that?

While we’re on the subject of people who should know better, you know why this show never launches an actual supermodel? Because Tyra rewards the winner with a photo spread in Seventeen. I’m sure some model somewhere got her start there, but you put one of these girls on the cover of Elle or Vanity Fair or W and I think a certain level of legitimacy comes naturally to the title. I realize Tyra’s catering to teenagers because they’re probably her base audience on the CW (which only makes me ask every cycle: Why am I still watching this show?), but how awesome would it be if one of the winners was actually the next Tyra Banks, instead of just another reality television whore?

Anyway! The winner of the challenge will win an editorial fashion spread in Seventeen. Woo hoo!

Of note: Allison does well and impresses Jay by both speaking and dressing Aminat well. Fo directs London, but London runs into fashion problems because she’s put on about 10 to 15 pounds since casting and is extremely uncomfortable in her own skin. Aminat takes waaaaaaaaay too long to prepare Natalie for her shoot, and blames hair and makeup for being late. Jay awesomely calls bullshit. Teyona dresses Celia as a “hood Diva” and impresses Jay with her styling choices.

The winner: Teyona! She can choose friends for the win, and she chooses model Celia, and friend Aminat. Fo feels slapped in the face that Teyona chose Celia over her, since Teyona likes Fo. Allison claims to have learned a lot about being present in her photo shoots.

The next morning, Jay arrives at the house at 5:30am for hair and makeup, in preparation for this week’s special guest: Ciara! Aminat and Teyona freak out the most. Celia claims to be “a fan of Ciara for quite some time.” Oh please.

Off the girls go to Webster Hall for the photo shoot. Ciara will pose with each of the girls: she’ll be singing, the girls will be overzealous fans wrapped up in the microphone cord. Jay also introduces photographer Mike Ruiz. Then it’s hair and make-up for rock-star looks. The outfits are basically black bikinis, with the girls wrapped in cord.

Celia does well, and “gives good, like, stuff.” London feels uncomfortable in the bikini, and is especially self-conscious this week. Jay notices London’s insecurity, and this week, her weight gain is much more evident. He sits her down after their shoot to discuss it. She deals with it as best she can, but what do you say when someone calls you fat, and you know you’ve put on weight you weren’t supposed to?

Teyona rocks her shoot up to 11, and Natalie breaks out of her comfort zone. Fo brings variety. Allison frustrates Jay, because the only way he can force her out of her shell is by angering her into giving him new looks. Aminat falls flat, and Jay calls her the worst of the day, never bringing her personality and drive to the shoots.

Judging. Guest Judge: Mike Ruiz. However, before we can get started, a half naked man walks in speaking Portuguese, and a little play acting by Tyra leads to the revelation that it’s overseas time, and the girls are going to Brazil! Cue the screaming!

Up first: Natalie! She stands out more than Ciara, but while Paulina doesn’t like the close-up, Tyra thinks it’s “stunning.” Aminat looks “bewildered” and “lost.” Celia loves her own photo and says so before the judges can, and Nigel, for some reason, thinks this is charming. What? Something about Celia bothers me. There’s this sense that she feels that everything good should happen to her because she’s earned it. Not because she works hard, but because she just really likes fashion and modeling, so she deserves it more than the others. Unfortunately, the judges play into her ego every week.

Moving on to someone I like, Teyona steps forward. Tyra calls her photo major, Paulina calls her fierce, and only Ruiz has anything of value to say by adding that Teyona knew how to relate to the situation better than anyone. Nigel thinks London’s photo is over the top, and I don’t know why. Ruiz thinks she needs to learn her angles, and Ms. J reminds her that as a model, it’s her job to maintain her size. Fo nails her angles in her photo, and Allison delivers a new, angry look, impressing the judges, though Ms. J says there wasn’t enough tension in the body. When Ruiz says that he and Jay had to provoke Allison, Allison starts in about how it was her favorite shoot, until Nigel points out that he also photographed her, so she should probably be more aware of making a comment like that when there are two photographers in the room. She digs her hole a little deeper, and Nigel looks pretty miffed.

Deliberation. Natalie, Celia, Teyona and Fo are the favorites, while Aminat, London, and Allison make up the bottom. Called first: Teyona! Bottom two: Aminat and London. The judges question if Aminat can master more than just the runway, while London has permanent smiling eyes and strong bone structure, but these traits don’t translate to her photos. Going home: London.

Of course. Naturally. Damn you, Tyra!

London holds no grudges against God, and plans to continue modeling. I was on your side, street preacher.

Next week: The girls head to Brazil, and Fo’s on the outs with the girls!

Season 12, Episode 9: Take Me To The Photo Shoot (originally aired April 15, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW

Lost: Miles and Hurley’s Excellent Adventure

This week we have a full Miles-centric episode and a lot of Star Wars talk as we learn more about our mysterious, Han Solo-like, character.  Joining him on his journey of self-discovery is accidental buddy, Hurley, who doubles as a scruffier Chewbacca.  No word on who’s Princess Leia.  Let’s begin first with the background story.

A young Miles and his mother are apartment hunting–like most of the people on this show, his father is absent.  As Miles walks around the apartment complex he senses something in an apartment.  It is there he finds a dead body and realizes he can hear corpses speaking.  No word on whether this jeopardized them getting the apartment.

We cut to an older Miles with weird hair and face studs as he visits his dying mother.  He hadn’t visited for a while but wants to know why he has these talents and what happened to his father.  She gives a vague answer about his father never caring about them and throwing them out.  He died a long time ago and his body is somewhere he can never go.  Yeah, right!

In our next scene, Miles is meeting with a father over his dead son.  The body was cremated but Miles takes the money and makes up a story about how the son knew that the father loved him.  As he leaves the house, Naomi and her crazy hair extensions shows up to hire Miles for a job.

They go to a restaurant where Miles has to “audition” by telling her what happened to the body.  The man, Felix, was killed on his way delivering to Mr. Widmore photos and a purchase order for an old airplane.  He passes her test and she tells him he’ll be traveling to an island to hunt down a man who killed a lot of people.  He’s not interested but changes his mind when she offers $1.6 million.

While enjoy a fish taco dinner, Miles is abducted by Bram in a van.  (You may remember Bram from last week when he was the right-hand man to Ilana.)  Bram wants to stop Miles from getting on Widmore’s ship in one week’s time.  Because Miles doesn’t know what lies in the shadow of the statue, Bram says he’s not ready to go to the Island.  Bram talks of Miles’s father but Miles no longer cares and is only interested in money.  Since they have none to give, they throw him out of the van (again minus one fish taco) and tell him he’s on the wrong side of the coming battle.

But before Miles leaves for the Island, he returns to the father and gives him back his money.  He admits he lied and cautions that if he needed his son to know he loved him, he should have told him when he was alive.

* * *

On the Island (1977), Sawyer asks Miles to erase the security footage of he and Kate taking Ben to the Hostiles.  But before Miles can do it, Horace sends him on a special mission since he’s in the “circle of trust”: he is to take something to Radzinsky in Grid 334 and to return with something else.  What’s the trouble you ask?  This spot is in Hostile territory.

When he arrives, Radzinsky, dressed in a black jumpsuit, puts a body in a body bag and tells Miles to take him back.  Radzinsky is snippy, which just piques Miles’s curiosity.  In the van, he asks the body what happened.  His name was Alvarez and he had a tooth filling blown through his head while he was digging a hole.

Miles brings the body back to Horace, who tells Miles to now take the body to Dr. Chang at the Orchid Station.  And here’s where our comedic duo team up: Miles finds Hurley loading up the van with food for the Orchid Station.  They’re riding together over Miles’s objection.

Road trip! Hurley is writing in his Pearl Station composition notebook but won’t share what he’s writing.  Then there’s a fart joke but it’s really Hurley smelling the dead body, which is odd because body bags are supposed to mitigate that.  Even though Hurley is not in the “circle of trust,” they talk about the dead body and what happened to him.

As “Love Will Keep Us Together” plays in the van, our pair bond over their shared ability to commune with the dead.  Miles can only talk about what the dead experienced before they died; Hurley, though, can talk with and see ghosts.  Hurley thinks his power is cooler.  I’m not sure if I’d rather play chess with Mr. Eko’s ghost or listen to how people died.

At the Orchid Station, Dr. Chang is not amused that Hurley knows about the body.  He’s threatened with weighing polar bear turds at Hydra Island if he tells anyone about it.  The tension between Miles and Dr. Chang can only mean two things: he’s a douche and he’s Miles’s father.  Miles knows because three days after he arrived he was standing next to his mother in the lunch line.  While they talk about whether Miles could really warn his father about the coming Purge, Chang comes back and needs a lift back to the work site.  Notably absent is the body, to which Chang replies, “what body?”

Road trip!  Hurley strikes up a friendly chat with Chang, noting that Chang has a son named Miles and that, in a strange coincidence, Miles is also named Miles.  It’s quite funny to watch.  They arrive at a hidden location where people are constructing something big.  As Hurley and Miles watch, they overhear two guys imprinting a serial number on the hatch’s lid.  Oh yes, you and Hurley guessed those numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.  This is the Swan Station and source of Hurley’s mental illness many years ahead.  Creepy.

Miles and Hurley drive back and Hurley shares that there’s going to be an accident at the Swan Station in the future that will lead to the computer and numbers entry.  Miles is tired of Hurley pressuring about Miles getting to know his father.  Miles grabs the notebook and reads what sounds like the script from Empire Strikes Back only with some revisions (e.g., Chewbacca shoots the droid on Hoth, not Han Solo).  Hurley is writing it for George Lucas, which Miles thinks is stupid.  Hurley retorts that it’s more stupid that Miles won’t get to know his father now that he has a chance.

They end their trip in Dharmaville, where Hurley talks about his mended relationship with his own father and how Luke and Darth Vader could have mended their relationship in The Empire Strikes Back instead of Luke losing his father and the fans getting the Ewoks.  As Miles ponders what that means, he spots Chang at home reading to a baby Miles–no doubt reminded of the exchange he had with the grieving father before leaving for the Island.  Anyway, Chang interrupts the touching moment by leaving the house and asking adult Miles to help him bring in people from the arriving submarine: scientists from Ann Arbor, including Daniel Faraday.

In other news, Roger freaks out after Ben disappears, Kate again creates more problems by her supposed good intentions, and Jack tries to clean up Kate’s mess.  Oh and Phil gets the security tape and confronts Sawyer about taking Ben.  Sawyer knocks out Phil and ties him up.  Next time there are shoot outs and explosions!

Season 5, Episode 13: Some Like It Hoth (originally aired April 15, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out In the Ciiiiirrrrrrcle of Trust by Robin Reed.

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Lost: In the Ciiiiirrrrrrcle of Trust

First, let’s have a moment of respect for the episode title, “Some Like It Hoth.” Most of the time, Lost episodes have fairly dull titles (not like I’m criticizing, I’m bad at titles myself) but every now and then we get a “Some Like It Hoth.” Remember in season 1 when we had an episode titled “All the Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues“?

Speaking of which, this episode spends much of its time exploring Miles’ issues with his own absent father. Ugh. I love Miles, and I liked this episode, but has there ever been a single character on Lost, especially a male character, who didn’t have major daddy issues? There are other ways to create conflicted characters, you know. They can be misanthropic medical geniuses.  Or emotionally stunted boy-men. Or gypsy-cursed vampires.  It doesn’t always have to come back to Oedipus, is all I’m saying.

The basics:

It’s our very first History of Miles show, and it’s kind of old-school Lost the way it integrates flashbacks from the POV character’s early childhood along with more recent flashbacks and a loosely constructed contemporary plot in which said POV character is marginally involved.

The flashback story shows us that Miles has been communicating with the dead for his entire life, and that his father kicked him and his mother out when Miles was just a baby. Then, it shows us Miles’ recruitment by Naomi to join Widmore’s freighter crew as their official medium in exchange for $1.6 million. We also learn some details about Miles’ ability: It only works when there’s a body nearby, and all he can find out is what the dead person was recently doing and/or thinking about.

In our “present” story (Dharma-brand 1977), Kate, Sawyer and Juliet are dealing with the fallout of their evacuation of Lil’ Ben. For lack of any other ideas, they tell Roger that Ben simply disappeared from the infirmary. Roger gets it into his head for no apparent reason that Kate kidnapped him, and he gets ready to go after her, or something. Meanwhile, Miles is tangentially involved in all sorts of Dharma intrigue, transporting corpses from Dharma station to Dharma station and engaging in witty repartee with Hurley and with his newly revealed father Pierre Chang/Marvin Candle, who, as we’ve seen hinted at before, is kind of a douche.

The good:

• Daniel is back!!!! Yayyyy!!!! Best end-of-episode hook in a lonnnng time.
• It’s been pretty obvious, from the season opener and from the fact that there just aren’t that many Asian people on this show, that Pierre Chang/Marvin Candle is Miles’ dad. Fortunately, the official reveal comes in the episode midpoint, and then we get to have some fun. My favorite moment was Miles’ look of disgust upon learning that his father liked country music. Heh.
• There are currently two versions of Miles running around: The time-traveling adult version and the three-month-old genuine-1977 version. We even see them share a scene, wherein adult Miles watches Pierre playing with Lil’ Miles through a window. I’m putting this in the Good column because it boosts my faith that the writers know what they’re doing on the time travel logic front. Still doesn’t make up for the cop out on Lil’ Ben’s non-death, though.
• Miles is hysterical throughout the episode, just like he always has been. He’s cynical and deadpan and sarcastic and his voice gets hilariously shrill when he’s angry. I’m totally going to go around saying “I’m in the circle of trust” all the time now.
• The “Some Like It Hoth” title refers to Hurley’s new pet project – he’s writing the screenplay for The Return of the Jedi (with a few improvements of his own), which he figures will be a big help to George Lucas, seeing as how it’s 1977. I’d like to think that if I randomly wound up in that era I’d be doing my very best to sabotage Ronald Reagan’s political career, so I’m glad to see that someone else is thinking constructively about taking advantage of their situation.

The bad:

• The episode was light on the plot advancement and heavy on the background / foreshadowing. Both of those were well-done, so this isn’t unforgivable, but the first half of this season was so action-packed that I don’t love having leisurely episodes like this pop up, especially now when we’re approaching the season finale.
• The Kate/Roger conflict feels forced and uninteresting. If it drags out past next week I’m filing an official complaint.

The stuff that will matter next week:

• We get more hints about Ilana’s people when we see them capture Miles in flashback L.A. and try to convince him not to get on the freighter. We know they’re part of Ilana’s crew because they ask Miles the same code question about the shadow of the statue.
• We also find out why Miles was brought in on the freighter: The Widmore folks wanted him to talk to the dead bodies of the Dharmas to help them locate Ben. (Since when is Ben that hard to find? He always seems to be around.) So either Miles’ parentage is one of those apparent coincidences that run so rampant on this show, or Widmore knows about his connection to Chang and it’s simply yet another part of his grand plan.
• A secret crew of Dharmas is in the process of building the Swan station (aka the season 2 hatch), and they’re experiencing electromagnetism issues that caused the death of a Hostile via his filling being sucked into his brain, or something. I assume this will matter at some point because, as Hurley reminded us, there was an “accident” sometime early in the Swan’s history, which resulted in the need to enter those numbers on the computer every 108 minutes. And here I thought we’d never have to deal with that boring storyline ever again. Sigh.
• Oh no! Sawyer’s perfect Dharma life is in jeopardy. Phil found a security tape that shows Sawyer and Kate taking Ben to the Hostiles. Sawyer’s response to this is to knock Phil out and order Juliet to “get some rope,” with which she happily complies. Hmm.

Next week, we get “the story of the Oceanic Six from a whole new perspective.” I suspect that means a clip show. Then, in two weeks, it’s back to the action, as the long-promised war finally begins. My prediction: This war already happened once, and Widmore lost, but then he arranged for a bunch of key people to go back in time, and he’s planning on using them to win the war this time. Too bad half his army is stuck in 2007.

Season 5, Episode 13: Some Like It Hoth (originally aired April 15, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Miles and Hurley’s Excellent Adventure by J.B. Perlow.

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

American Idol: And Tarantino fits in how?

What a jam-packed week of surprises on American Idol!

First, why is Quentin Tarantino a musical mentor and what could he have to contribute that an actual recording artist couldn’t contribute? I really don’t know, but I don’t think American Idol is going to let us in on the logic on this one. Second, Ryan says because the judges are such chatter boxes, only two judges will critique each contestant. I’m not. . .a fan on this. I mean they should have prepared for the possibility of going over the allotted time period when they added a fourth judge! Prepare much, producers? The third surprise will have to wait for the end if you haven’t guessed what it is already.

So Ryan attempts to convince us that Quentin, one of the great film makers, has incorporated music into his creative process and therefore has some great advice to impart to our contestants. The only thing I notice in the pre-song clips is that QT makes our contestants pretty nervous and his idea of advice is add soul and sing it again, but better this time.

So how’d our little ones do, you ask?

Allison
Singing “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” from Armageddon, I get a little chill up and down my spine. This girl is young but leagues ahead of most people her age. Paula says Allison is authentic for the 15 millionth time. Simon says it was hot and spicy and I quote, “the girls’ only hope left” in the competition. Finally Simon is behind her 100% and not complaining about her confidence, which is what I’ve been waiting for. What took you so long, Brit?

Anoop
Anoop tackles “(Everything I Do), I Do It For You.” I didn’t even know that was a “movie” song! I’m surprised by the Lite FM choice, but damn if I don’t love this song. Quentin notices the same thing and asks him to add more grooooowl to the end of the song, but Anoop sounds like he’s struggling with that. On the big stage, you can definitely here Anoop’s R&B interpretation of the song, and I’m mostly liking it. Randy believes he found his stride with the song, and Kara says it was probably one of his best vocals in the competition. She even felt it this time.

Adam
Adam sings “Born to Be Wild” from Easy Rider. It’s a perfect pick for him, even though I’m telling myself over and over again that I really am not for this kid. Last week’s performance brought me a tiny bit closer to the dark side, and there was no way that he wouldn’t kill this song. But every time I see him I’m REALLY creeped out. And sometimes he does these body rolls that make me nauseous. Even my best friend, who I usually agree with, loves this guy, and I wonder if the world has turned into pod people. Of course, Paula is gyrating from the first note, and apparently, Adam dares “to dance in the path of greatness.” Huh, crazy? Simon says it was an incredible vocal but that it was kind of like watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Thank you, Simon. Someone needed to say it!

Matt
Matt sings another easy listening song by choosing “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” Matt’s got the piano at his fingers again, and I love the way his voice sounds. My fiancé says he needs to have a grittier voice for the song which I don’t disagree with, but Matt is always so smooth and in control. I wish that the audience could see that even though he’s not flashy, he’s an incredibly unique talent. Maybe our next Robin Thicke! Randy says the bridge was pitchy and there were too many runs for him, and the sad thing is Quentin warned him of this. Though I didn’t mind all the embellishment, maybe Quentin does know what he’s talking about.

Danny
It’s Lionel Richie time! Singing “Endless Love,” Danny gets all emotional. His wife is definitely the person he’s singing to and about, and I’m glad he’s waited this long in the competition to get all teary-eyed with microphone. He also isn’t wearing glasses! Can you see, Danny?! Don’t fall off the stage. Paula isn’t sure about the beginning of the song, but halfway through he got it together and killed the end. Simon thought he sounded fine but almost fell asleep because he didn’t mix up the arrangement. Remember David Cook’s “Hello”? Oh, that was awesome. So it was no “Hello,” but I really felt it this time, and Quentin is all about the music telling the story!

Kris
I don’t know the song “Falling Slowly” that Kris sings. Apparently, it’s from the movie Once, which I’ve never seen. Quentin likes that he picked a song no one will recognize because it meant something to him. I think this kid could lip sync, and I wouldn’t care. He’s just so damn cute and personable. I don’t really know what Randy means by his criticism, but I think he liked it…maybe. Kara thinks it was one of his best in the competition which makes me like her a little bit more.

Lil

And on to the final performance from the girl who was supposed to slay the competition, but has sort of just petered out. She’s not even in my tops anymore. Sorry, Lil cause your story is so compelling. I feel like she’s going home if she doesn’t kill the song, so choosing “The Rose” isn’t necessarily the safest choice in my opinion. The judges want her to pick R&B songs, but make them her own which I still don’t think she grasps. I think the beginning of the song is boring, but the gospel twist and the end is really great. Paula tries to soften the blow of a tepid performance by commending her for getting this far. Those aren’t words of encouragement, lady! It basically means you think she’s going home. Simon thought it was terrible as well but doesn’t hold back about it. Lil stands up for herself, saying that no matter what she does it seems like she always makes the wrong choice.  I kind of feel embarrassed for her, but will the back talk be enough to save her?

THE RESULTS
We’ve got some big hitters performing tonight. Miley Cyrus sings her newest hit “The Climb” and Oscar winner and former Idol Jennifer Hudson performs for the first time on the stage since she was voted off.

There’s the annoying Ford commercial posing as actual TV time which it’s clearly not. Then the Idols sing “She’s a Maniac” from Flashdance. Who doesn’t love this song? Though I thought it’d be a horrid rendition, it actually sounds great. Maybe it’s the fact that there are less contestants sing every week. Oh, they also got to go to the premiere of Zac Efron and Matthew Perry’s movie 17 Again. Oh, how I love all of AI’s shameless plugs. They make so much freaking money!

So it’s no shocker that Anoop, Matt and Lil are in the bottom three. I predicted it perfectly once again. Sometimes I think America can be so predictable. I’m hoping that Lil goes home because I just don’t think she ever found her niche on the show, but unfortunately the bottom is one of my favorite contestants, Matt.

He’s a serious contender for the save because the judges really do see the potential in him. And I do believe he has the voice to be a successful recording artist. He sings his song one more time, and though the women clearly love it, Simon believes it wasn’t as good as last night’s try. There are lots of boos, but ‘DUH DUH DUH’ Matt is saved! The save has finally been used, and I couldn’t be happier.
Now I know America votes next week, and it’s likely the bottom two from this week will be the ones to go home next week, but at least I get to hear Matt sing one more time, so I won’t complain.

Season 8, Episodes 28 & 29: Top 7: Performances & Top 8: Results (originally aired April 14 and 15, 2009)

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company.

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