30 Rock: Sing Dem Blues, White Girl

First, a complaint: Jonathan isn’t back yet. Boo. But let’s move on.

Last week, you may recall, Liz was suspended from work for two weeks for sexually harassing her hatchet man. She’s forced to attend workshops (or “pervert seminars” as Jack calls them) led by one Jeffrey Weinerslave. Worse, though, she isn’t allowed to set foot in the TGS offices – when she tries, Kenneth doesn’t hesitate to use his rape whistle – and the doormen in her building are getting sick of her babbling. So she hooks up with a group of rich single women – former neurosurgeons, investment bankers, and trophy wives – who spend their days doing yoga, getting facials, shopping at Bergdorf’s, and dressing like Julie Cooper. It’s understandably addictive, and despite the discovery of a spider nest in her yoga mat (which we didn’t even see, but the mere mention of it was enough to give me a terrible nightmare the night after I saw this episode, so thanks for that, Tina Fey), Liz has no qualms about harassing Jeffrey Weinerslave to earn herself another few weeks of the good life. Sadly, it turns out life with the ladies isn’t all about Indigo Girls songs and co-writing cookbooks with Jasmine Guy – to stimulate their neurons, the girls have also formed a fight club. And if Liz wants out, she’s going to have to fight her way out! (She does.)

With Liz gone, the TGS staff are forced to fend for themselves. Jack isn’t much help either, since he’s preoccupied this week finding distribution for Jenna’s movie, recently retitled Sing Dem Blues, White Girl: The Jackie Jormp-Jormp Story and featuring a duet with Jimi Hendrickson (“We’re all here at Woodstocks… Someday there will be a black president…“) It turns out their inability to get the rights to Janis Joplin’s life story or songs was a negative for audiences, so if they’re going to get independent distribution, they need buzz. Jenna, always ready to take one for the team, agrees to put aside her feud with Raven-Symoné (Raven knows what she did) and attend the Kids’ Choice Awards, but she gets upstaged by Backpack from Dora, and no one even knows she’s there. That is, until the 8-year-old producer accidentally includes Jenna’s photo in the “In Memoriam” segment. Jack is thrilled – with Jenna supposedly dead, he’s sure to get distribution for the movie. And it seems likely to work, too, after he cooks up a shockingly timely story involving pirates that I assume must have been a coincidence given this show’s lead time. But then Jenna runs out onstage during TGS that week to block the public’s view of a sign that reveals her true birth year (1969). Looks like the world will have to live without knowing what happened to Jackie Jormp-Jormp when those vampires attacked Woodstocks.

(And let’s just pause to appreciate the fact that the 30 Rock writers spent a whole chunk of the episode hilariously eviscerating the Kids’ Choice Awards, of all things. Tina Fey was wasted on SNL, I’m telling you.)

Meanwhile, in the Tracy/Kenneth subplot, a woman is threatening to come between the bros. Kenneth, you see, has always planned to marry a TGS dancer named Daphne, although he’s never actually spoken to her as such. But then he discovers that she’s already dating Dot Com. (I thought Dot Com was in love with Grizz’s fiancée? Good for him for moving on.) Tracy, who has put himself in charge in Liz’s absence, solves this crisis by firing Daphne. The rest of the dancers also quit in protest, but not to worry – Tracy found some women brawling in the parking lot, and they’ll do just as well. Happy ending!

Other things we learned this week:

• Jenna did not hit that Asian page. She simply walked into Jenna as she swung her arm. Twice.
• Sheinhardt’s sexual harassment handbook is loosely based on an evening Tracy spent with Isiah Thomas.
• Meredith Vieira has a thing for Kenneth. She especially likes making him eat unripe bananas in front of her.
• Frank and Cerie are hooking up. Shocking, and yet not.
• Tina Fey is promoting Conan’s debut on The Tonight Show. Is Tina Fey more famous than Conan now? Wow.

Lines I resolve to use ASAP:

• I’m not going to engage on that. Mantra.
• Good God, what Indigo Girls song is that from?
• I watched my whole church group get eaten by a bear.
• Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

And now I’m off to check on my yoga mat and pray for Jonathan’s safe return.

Season 3, Episode 18: Jackie Jormp-Jomp (originally aired April 16, 2009)

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Jessica Miglio

Fringe: Unleashed

I liked this episode of Fringe, but I also liked the movies Aliens, Feast, and Friday the 13^th. And, I admit, My Bloody Valentine (3D!).  And since this latest episode was basically a one hour horror movie (with limited commercials), of course I liked it. However, it also sounded a lot like this episode of Fringe, so while the monster was cool, are we recycling plots already?

Though we don’t advance the larger mythos of the series, we do have a nicely told, if slow, self-contained story. And character development! You know how I like that. First, Peter and Rachel seem to be spending time together. Or at least, they call each other a lot. I wonder if they Twitter. Olivia pretends she has no problem with it. The questions are, is she jealous and have a thing for Peter, or just weirded out that her sister’s making a play on a colleague? I don’t know, but for a crack FBI agent, Olivia didn’t see this relationship coming.

Peter and Doc also clash from the word “go,” at each other’s throats so much during the episode (with Peter looking like a real tool because of it), that I thought Peter was going to ditch this week, and retread the old “He wasn’t a good father, I don’t owe him anything, I’m too old for this shit” story. I wonder if Joshua Jackson ever complains about the one-dimensionality of his character.

Then there’s Charlie Francis, and this week, we meet his wife! I always pictured him single, insinuating himself into larger-than-his-pay-grade FBI cases. His wife seems pleasant and completely unthreatened by his work relationship with Olivia, for the all of five minutes we see her. But Charlie loves her, and that’s all that’s important. Also, he can’t talk to her about anything. That sets up a nice dynamic for Charlie, who must struggle with these mind-blowing cases, and yet he can never discuss them at home. Can’t you just see him bitching about the silent and cryptic Broyles, and how come Olivia got promoted to the super-secret Special Agent Team over him? She was sleeping with a spy! That’d be a great scene. Anyway, Mrs. Francis seems suspiciously patient. I wonder if she’ll be investigated next, because the existence of the perfect wife? Now that’s weird.

Not that I expect any of these new Charlie Francis themes to be explored. In fact, I’m shocked he even had a starring role this episode. What’s next – background on Astrid that doesn’t involve one of her twenty three double majors? Come on!

And so, Charlie takes the spotlight in the monster movie version of Fringe. Four animal activists break into a research facility to free the caged animals, and while there, they release a genetically altered beast as well. Or should I say… “unleashed” a genetically altered beast. The next morning, the activists and the geneticist are all dead, their bodies torn by talons, pierced by snake fangs, and impregnated with larvae. Enter Charlie Francis, Monster Hunter! He investigates a sighting out in the woods (writing source: Horror Flicks 101), discovers the bloodied, dead bodies of two animal control guys, and disappears! Until Olivia finds him, “bitten,” but refusing medical treatment. He seems to be okay, until the Fringe-ettes discover the larvae in one of the activists’ corpses. Charlie isn’t okay after all – he’s pregnant!

As Doc autopsies the bodies, he recognizes traits from an experiment that he did long ago, pre-institution. You know what that means: This is all Doc’s fault!

So I assume we will delve more into the manuscript that was discovered here, typewritten by Doc himself, but no. When I say this episode was self-contained, I mean absolutely no external, relevant nonsense for us. Doc suffers from the greatest amount of guilt we’ve witnessed thus far – even more than when he met the mother of the woman he killed. It’s nice that the show chose to explore Doc’s reaction to his experiments; mostly, he’s always felt justified, as these were “necessary,” natural advances in science. Though I never agree with Doc, I have always liked that he stood by his principles. Here, however, having seen firsthand the destruction one of his experiments caused, he panics, grieves, and guilts himself through the episode in a nice range of emotions. John Noble does an excellent job balancing Doc’s guilt with his wackiness, without turning it into camp.

Now, faced with the consequences of his actions, Doc races to find a cure for Charlie (there’s always a cure, isn’t there?), and finally discovers that they need to retrieve a blood sample from the Alien mother in order to kill the larvae inside Charlie. If they don’t secure the blood, then the larvae will continue to attack Charlie’s body and eat him from the inside out. That’s not even the gross part: the larvae start growing the longer they’re inside Charlie’s body, and at one point we see them squirming around beneath the skin of his stomach. Had I been there, I would have needed a bucket.

There’s a lot of “research” and “experiments” and dead-plot time this week, but we eventually learn that the monster is a genetic hybrid of a lion, a snake and a bat. And this wasn’t Doc’s experiment after all. Cameron Deglmann, the scientist who inspired Doc’s work, was responsible for the genetic mutation that’s ripping up and impregnating humans throughout New England. Doc’s off the hook, but for some reason, the guilt stays.

So Doc, Olivia and Peter go on a wild monster chase in the sewers of Massachusetts after they discover the beast travels via the underground tunnels. They bait the monster with its larvae, and then a nice sequence follows where Doc separates from the other two in order to sacrifice himself and save the day. It’s a little melodramatic, but the image of the monster in the darkly lit sewers looks great. The beast falls for the oldest trick in the book, and though it knocks Doc around, Walter Bishop proves he’s the brains and the brawn as he shoots to kill.

As a result, Doc has his blood sample and manufactures a cure for Charlie – a blood mixture that will trick the larvae into not feeding on Charlie, and therefore they’ll starve and die. In case you were wondering about how the fake science works. A healthy Charlie returns home to his sleeping wife, and Olivia returns home to Rachel and her niece. She tucks herself in, and because monsters are scary, she sleeps with the light on.

Remember that phone call Peter took last week, texting when everyone else is examining the Observer’s mini-me? And I’m like, “I got you, sneaky Fringe writers!” Well, unless he was texting Rachel about pina coladas, it bore no relevance to this episode. So … you got me, writers.

Next week: Bad dreams!

Season 1, Episode 16: Unleashed (originally aired April 14, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Fringe, click here.

Tuesdays at 9/8C, Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

17 Again: Matthew Perry Got Married

J.B.: Tuesday night we attended an advanced screening of 17 Again, which opens nationwide this Friday. For those who haven’t seen the previews, 17 Again is about an adult (Matthew Perry) who wants to go back and relive the glory days of high school. Thanks to a wise old janitor (Brian Doyle-Murray), his wish comes true and he turns into Zac Efron (hereinafter Zefron). So first of all, what were your impressions?

Robin: First, let’s note that there is absolutely no way Matthew Perry ever looked like the Zefron at any point in his life. I just think it’s important that we establish that the premise is therefore flawed. Once we get past that, and some of the more cringe-worthy scenes laden with shirtlessness and sweat, it was a pretty enjoyable way to spend two hours. You?

J.B.: I agree. I needed to suspend more disbelief that Matthew Perry once looked like Zefron than I did that something like this could ever happen in reality. That being said, it was an entertaining two hours – dragged a bit toward the end and had a few too many sentimental Full House-type moments, but I enjoyed it. In fact, if this film were an apple, it would be a delicious.  Please note that I was overstating a little bit but that was something I wrote in my notes, which yes, I took notes for once.

Robin: Indeed. Plus, it has a surprise cameo by Margaret Cho, which makes any moviegoing experience delish.  And upon reflection, I’ve decided my favorite thing about it is the Chandler impression Zefron was doing throughout.

J.B.: Oh good, I thought I was the only one who saw that.

Robin: The more I thought about it the more obvious it was. Smart acting choice. Although, was he imitating Chandler or was it more MP’s character on Growing Pains? The latter would’ve been more genre-appropriate.

J.B.: Probably but only because who can forget that very special episode where he died after driving drunk. Carol was so sad.

Robin: Well, I managed to forget it. But yes, I’m sure I was distraught at the time.  I was surprised by how little screen time Matthew Perry actually had. I mean, I was happy about it, because he looked terrible and was sleepwalking through the role, but still. The marketing made it look like he was the co-star. How much do you think we actually saw of him?

J.B.: 10 minutes, maybe? I’m including the credits here.

Robin: I’m sure he was paid well nonetheless.

J.B.: Not Friends level money, though.

Robin: But back to this movie. There was an extended subplot involving the adult MP’s best friend, who lived in a nerd palace due to having invented song-stealing software back in the day, and I have to admit I was kind of put off by all the nerd jokes that accompanied his storyline.  The movie couldn’t decide whether to embrace the nerdiness or mock it, and seeing as how it’s staking its entire marketing campaign on the premise that its audience enjoyed High School Musical 3, I don’t think that’s a safe tactic to take.

J.B.: Listen, you need to get your head in the game. I think those jokes were to appeal to the adults in the audience and by “adults,” I mean geeky adults who review movies (i.e., me). I really enjoyed that B storyline. Melora Hardin (The Office) as the Éowyn to Thomas Lennon’s (Reno 911) Aragorn. However, they could at least have used the word “Elfish” rather than “Elf.” Oh and it could have related to the storyline of the film. But comic relief isn’t supposed to do that.

Robin: Yes I too was offended by the inaccurate term for the Elvish language (and by the way, yes, its ElVish with a V, thank you.)

J.B.: I always get that wrong. But speaking of the rest of the cast, what did you think of Michelle Trachtenberg?

Robin: I am a Michelle Trachtenberg fan from my Buffy days, and I will never be able to fairly evaluate her performances in any other role. Just as a disclaimer. I enjoyed her performance, but the character was a major disappointment. We have an opportunity to present an interesting, conflicted teenage girl, and she turns out to be as boy-crazy as every other teenage girl in every other movie ever, with no other definable characteristics to round her out. You know her from Gossip Girl I believe?

J.B.: Yes, as Georgina Sparks. I don’t care for that character and I couldn’t divorce that role from what she did here. There were definite similarities. Leslie Mann, who played the wife/mother, was enjoyable. She was previously in Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin (among others).

Robin: She was the one who puked on Steve Carell?

J.B.: I think that’s right.

Robin: Yes, she was very good here. Even though – although again there must be some suspension of disbelief with this kind of movie – we should mention that ideally, an adult woman who is being obviously wooed by a guy who appears to be 17 years old should not indulge him by engaging in ballroom dancing, smelling his hair…

J.B.: Rubbing his face…

Robin: Yes. Even if it seems innocent enough at the time. I just think the movie should have carried a PSA or something. “This is not an appropriate way to behave with your children’s friends. Just FYI.” In case there are any impressionable young mothers seeing this movie because they, like so many out there, have a thing for the Zefron.

J.B.: I think that was apparent. But true, I’m sure the “cougar“ crowd will get ideas. It’s like people committing violence after watching cartoons or something.

Robin: Somebody call the American Family Association.

J.B.: They’re still around?

Robin: I still get their e-mails. Apparently the gays are taking over again. Will someone think of the children!

J.B.: It’s true. Read the papers. Anyway, let’s get back to the film.  Do you remember the score at all?

Robin: The music? No. How was it?

J.B.: I liked it in the beginning. The opening scene – where Zefron walks off the basketball court to tend to his newly-discovered pregnant girlfriend – had a very Philip Glass-style orchestration. It was surprising but nicely done.  And now that I think about it more, back to the family issues here. I think there was a pro-family message here.

Robin: I will take your word for it about the score. At that point I was still recovering from having watched Zefron’s choreographed dance with the cheerleaders.

J.B.: That was a fun number. High School Musical 3.5.

Robin: Agreed. But on your point, pro-family in the AFA sense or the children-are-good sense?

J.B.: I’m not familiar with the AFA so I can’t comment on them. I was thinking about the male lead marrying his high school girlfriend after she found out she was pregnant by him. They clearly loved each other but still, it showed maturity that he would give up his basketball scholarship and college prospects to “do the right thing,” as they say. Granted this led to years of built-up resentment that set the stage for the film’s premise, but in the end [SPOILER ALERT] he winds up making the same decision because it’s who he is.

Robin: Okay, but up until his “spirit guide” showed up they were going to get divorced. So perhaps the message of this movie is, it is impossible to resolve family problems without time-traveling, or body-jumping, or reverse-Big-ging, or whatever we call this plot device.

J.B.: Well, it’s impossible without some introspection and remembering why you got together in the first place. Some people get there through marital counseling, some through pastoral care, and some transform into Zefron. Whatever works, I guess.

Robin: But as long as we’re talking about family and the AFA, we might also bring up the abstinence speech. As you noted as we were leaving the theater, it was interesting that Zefron, who impregnated his unwed girlfriend at age 17, turned around and preached abstinence, loudly, for a long time, when he showed up in his daughter’s sex-ed class. And under the watchful eye of Margaret Cho, no less.

J.B.: Indeed. It was ironic, of course, because he was only able to give that speech because he had premarital sex that led to a pregnancy that led him to hate his life. Isn’t that how time travel works on Lost?

Robin: Pretty much, yeah. Also, he was giving the speech to the product of said premarital sex, which is even more confusing. But, I decided I liked the abstinence speech due to the context, even though I am generally wary of the ways in which abstinence is preached to teenagers. Zefron knew whereof he spoke.

J.B.: I was still troubled that they were handing condoms out in school.

Robin: No comment.

J.B.: And the girls all decided to wait, at least until they got to Georgetown and hung out with college boys. By far my favorite line of the movie.

Robin: Yes, like Cher, they’re saving themselves for Luke Perry.

J.B.: Are you saying these characters couldn’t drive?

Robin: Yes. You know how picky they are about their shoes . . . and they only go on their feet.

J.B.: Indeed. So anything else to Cher, I mean share?

Robin: I’m curious about where you see Zefron’s career going after this, actually. Now that he’s said no to the Footloose remake, which by the way my mother will never forgive him for.

J.B.: I think if there’s a film where they need someone who can play basketball, dance, and appeal sexually non-threatening to teen girls, then he’s your guy. But seriously, he should do a drama next to break out of the Disney mold.

Robin: But, but, but, once he does a movie that has no dancing, and no basketball, and no catchphrases, and no Friends stars to imitate, he will be amazing! Well, maybe not amazing, per se, not yet. But, I agree about doing a drama next. I see him following the Will Smith path, and learning how to act for real, and someday getting Oscar nominations and mocking his Disney past.

J.B.: That would be a good path to follow. They both sing, dance, and play basketball (at least Will Smith did in the opening credits of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air). It’s like Daniel Radcliffe doing stage work in the nude for people to take him seriously as an actor.

Robin: Perhaps Zefron could take over that role from DanRad. Wow, that would be even more disturbing.

J.B.: It was disturbing enough when the one you call “DanRad” did it.

Robin: And he wasn’t even 18 yet, but yes.

J.B.: Now, Lost is starting soon so we should wrap this up.  In the adult-child role reversal milieu, where do you think this places?

Robin: Correct. Time to watch slightly-more-believable time travel action.  I’d say this was not as good as Big, or 13 Going on 30, or Peggy Sue Got Married. Which is… pretty much all of them, right? But I would note that none of those had Zefron and so they all lose points for that.  How would you rank it?

J.B.: Well, when I first heard about the story, I immediately thought of Like Father Like Son, 18 Again!, and Vice Versa. But those were all about people switching places with someone of a different generation who just didn’t understand the difficulties of the other generation.  This, as you correctly observe, is in the mold of Big, 13 Going on 30, and Peggy Sue Got Married. In fact, it’s basically Peggy Sue Got Married only with Zefron.  I think 17 Again was respectful enough of the prior films and earned its place in that genre’s hall of fame.

Robin: I would agree with that.

J.B.: If I can interrupt again for a second, I’m watching the American Idol results show and the contestants went to the premiere last night as well. Now don’t we feel cool?

Robin: Very cool.

J.B.: Anyway, the AI kids also liked the film.

Robin: It’s a Fox film, right? They’re contractually obligated. But yes I’m sure they all sincerely thought it was Oscar-worthy.

J.B.: And Adam Lambert said he liked the cheerleaders. Is that part of the conspiracy?

Robin: It is. The homophobes will be comforted in thinking he liked the cheerleaders because those girls showed some skin. The rest of us know he meant the male cheerleaders.

J.B.: I’m mixed on this theory of yours but I agree that they are contractually obligated to like and to promote this movie. So is Zefron, who’s in the crowd tonight wearing a wool knit hat inside. I don’t get it.

Robin: He is??? Okay, forget Lost, let me turn on Fox. Is he going to sing?

J.B.: No, it’s not the Oscars.  Okay, we’ve officially deviated from the purpose of this conversation. Does that mean we’re done?

Robin: Sure, I am definitely distracted. And I would add as a parting note to anyone considering seeing 17 Again: Cover your eyes for the opening scene if you don’t want to see sweaty Zefron six-pack. I think I am scarred for life.

J.B.: All right, that’s our take on 17 Again, which opens in theaters nationwide this Friday, April 17. We liked it and think you will too.

Dancing With the Stars: Kicking, Kissing, and Paying Tribute to the King

This week on Dancing with the Stars a new leader emerged as the contestants jumped and jived and rocked and rumbaed across the dance floor, and few flubs spelled doom for one fan favorite.

First to kick his way across the floor was cowboy Ty Murray whose line-dancing styled jive left a lot to be desired. It was stiff at the start, he obviously forgot his steps, and then it got a little better, but he never recovered his footing. The judges were not pleased. Total: 18

Shawn Johnson was up next for a romantic rumba, which she claimed to have trouble with because she’s shy and only 17. I don’t know about you, but I know a few 17-year-old girls, and I don’t think any of them would be shy about rumbaing with Mark Ballas. But whatever. Shawn got over her fear when Mark threw her a makeshift prom and then they danced a rather sultry routine where Shawn definitely channeled all her sexy. The judges were right that she needs to use her hips a bit more, but the dance was lovely. Total: 26

Lawrence Taylor got ready to tackle the jive by throwing down with his buddy, last season’s runner-up, Warren Sapp, and the kick in the behind must have worked, because LT got his groove back. The dance wasn’t perfect – and a bit slow for a jive – but Lawrence was hitting the beats and having fun. It was definitely a new and improved Lawrence Taylor. Total: 22

Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani danced a sexy, complicated rumba that basically bored me into playing mahjong on my computer instead. It was technically a very good dance, but what a yawn. Something was just lacking – but the judges liked it anyway. Total: 27 

After the bachelorette snoozefest, it was time for Lil’ Kim and Derek to bring back the excitement with their jailhouse jive. Dancing to Elvis’ “Jailhouse Rock”, former jailbird Lil’ Kim put on her sexiest cop ensemble while Derek rocked some stripes as they made the King proud by shaking their hips and kicking up their feet. It was rockin’ and caused Carrie Ann to jump up and down with joy. Len thought it was too theatrical – but he’s old and obviously losing his eyesight. Total: 28 (thanks to Len’s scandalously low “8″)

Steve-O had to follow up a killer act again this week and try to act sexy with his sister-like partner Lacey. So Lacey brought his dog – the real love of Steve’s life – which seemed to get him in the mood. And I have to say, it was definitely his best dance and like Carrie Ann I was strangely mesmerized by him. But truth is, the boy can’t dance. As Bruno said, thank goodness for “racy Lacey” who deserved the attention in her teeny-tiny bedroom-befitting outfit. Did Edyta design it? Total: 16

Gilles Marini struggled with his jive in practice but seemed to get into the quick-paced kicks after an afternoon of soccer. What is this guy not good at? But then he hit the floor with Cheryl and it was a little off. Don’t get me wrong, it was still really frickin’ good, and very quick, but as Carrie pointed out something was up with his awkwardly tucked-in arms. For the first time all season, Gilles looked a little out of his element. Total: 26

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks) finished up the night with a raunchy, raunchy rumba. From the lingering kisses to the wandering hands, the dance definitely turned up the heat. Carrie Ann and Bruno were thrilled with the spicy routine, but Len thought it was too raunchy and that it was too much like peeking in on the bedroom. Silly Len, don’t you know sex sells? Total: 23

Then it was on to Tuesday’s results show which was a night full of ups and downs. On the up side, Lil’ Kim and Derek started the night off right with an encore performance of their jive. Then the Rascal Flatts performed while Tony Dovolani tossed Julianne all over the place. Seriously, some of the lifts were just death defying and one of the most impressive things I’ve seen in quite a while. Check it out here.

Plus there was an interesting segment where an expert analyzed all of the stars’ body language. And it was so right on that, as Tom said, they might as well have been naked. And finally, we found out that next week the stars are designing the costumes not the pros. So watch out for a clothed Edyta, a barely dressed Cheryl, and Mark in a unitard.

On the downside of the evening, however, the Cast of “West Side Story” performed “America” with lots of screeching. The Broadway number just didn’t seem to work on the Ballroom stage. And then there was a horrendous cabaret number performed by Carmen Electra (yeah …) and the Pussycat Dolls. I’m not sure, is stripping considered a legitimate type of dancing again?

Then the final down-note of the night was the elimination. There was no dance off tonight, so Tom and Samantha skipped straight to the announcement, and it was Steve-O who’d be hanging up his dancing shoes. I was sad to see him go, but more disappointed that I’ll never get to see the cheetah print costume he was designing for Lacey. That thing was gonna be good.

Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to settle for superior dancing.

Season 8, Round 5: Episodes 10 and 11 (originally aired April 13 and 14, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Rescue Me: French

The second episode of Rescue Me’s fifth season is even better than the first and exemplifies the show’s inimitable blend of broad, wicked, and crude humor, searing drama, revelatory character moments and unexpected heroics.

We open with Tommy walking into a bar, but he’s not there for himself like you might expect. Rather, he’s coming to the aid of his cousin Mick, the priest who had a meltdown last week and fell off the proverbial wagon. He’s got a nice glass of Bushmills in front of him, but he claims that it has been sitting in front of him for 43 minutes and he hasn’t touched it. He says that from now on, he is going to drink but he’s going to control it. He takes the liberty of ordering a drink for Tommy. Tommy protests but as his sponsor, Mick insists. Mick claims that they’ll just have one drink and leave, but if Tommy refuses, Mick will hit the sauce hard and it will be on him. Tommy agrees and brings the glass up to his lips. Then good ol’ Mick slaps the glass out of Tommy’s hand and then slaps Tommy. It was all a ruse to test Tommy’s commitment to sobriety. Gotta love men of the cloth.

The main upset at the firehouse is the arrival of Genevieve (Karina Lombard), the French journalist doing research for a book on the tenth anniversary of 9/11. No matter how many years go by and no matter how many fires they work, the guys of 62 Truck are never going to get over that day. It altered their lives immeasurably, and no one reacted to it exactly the same way. So having this character come in and try to ask the guys questions about their experiences precipitates an explosive wave of emotional exchanges.

In a fascinating scene, Franco talks to Genevieve about how he thinks it was an inside job, and he makes a disturbingly convincing case for it. He says he doesn’t talk about 9/11, even with the crew, because his views aren’t popular. This isn’t stuff I ever would have expected to come out of Franco. It’s remarkable that five seasons in, Rescue Me is still building character and exposing hidden layers.

Lou actually goes to dinner with Genevieve and slowly breaks down as he answers her questions. John Scurti is incredible in this scene, we’re talking Emmy-worthy here. It’s probably the most emotional we’ve seen Lou since he fell in love with that hooker in season two and she took all his money, and it even recalls the poetry he was writing in the first season. Lou clearly has eyes for Genevieve (as does just about everyone), but she says she doesn’t date men with facial hair. Guess his signature mustache is going to have to go…

But the best scene comes from Denis Leary. Throughout the episode, Feinberg keeps telling Genevieve not to bother talking to Tommy because he won’t be part of the crew in a few days, thanks to the bogus Section Eight hearing Feinberg scheduled out of spite. But his name keeps coming up in every conversation she has with the other guys, so eventually Genevieve comes to Tommy. Tommy wants no part of her or her book, finding the notion of turning 9/11 into a weighty coffee table book to be disgusting. It’s a brilliantly-written scene, and Leary hits all the right notes.

Tommy also has another run-in with Michael J. Fox’s Dwight, a scene that is screamingly, perversely funny. Tommy challenges Dwight to a fight, not realizing he’s a quadriplegic. Then after he gets hit with that little revelation, Dwight still wants to go at it and Tommy offers to lie down on the carpet so Dwight can run him over with his wheel chair, because that’s the only way Dwight will win. Only on Rescue Me. I don’t know where they come up with this stuff, but it’s golden.

Black Shawn, meanwhile, still struggles with getting up the nerve to tell Tommy that he’s sleeping with Colleen, and Sheila shepherds a “little sister” through one of those programs at the suggestion of her psychodramaturgist. She brings the young teen to the firehouse, and then proceeds to accuse her of stealing her iPhone. She’s kookier than ever. Mike buys a bar, as was the plan last episode. But the place is a dump, and after he convinces everyone to decorate the joint with a lumberjack theme, they all find another bar with the exact same motif. Then Mike remembers where he got the idea: he used to go to that bar all the time. The sad thing is that there really are people this stupid in real life. Believe me, I’ve actually dealt with quite a few of them.

Another highlight of the episode comes from Uncle Teddy, who is despondent over the death of Tommy’s father. I do believe this is the first time in the show’s history that we’ve ever seen Teddy not act like a goofball, and it’s really surprising. He even gets into it with Tommy, telling him that he makes him sick because he doesn’t seem affected by his father’s death. That’s what I love about this show. Just when you think you know a character, they show a completely different side you weren’t expecting.

It appears Tommy is off the chopping block regarding the Section Eight thing, and I personally hope he takes Feinberg down. We need a much better replacement for Jerry. Even though there are another 20 episodes coming this season, I’m already dreading the end.

Season 5, Episode 2: French (originally aired April 14, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Heroes: 1961

Heroes should remember to stick with flashbacks, instead of flash forwards. Though I wasn’t a huge fan of this episode, mostly because it didn’t really move the story forward. But it served some great purposes. It brought some resolution to characters that have basically been feuding all season, and it gave the audience some insight into how the Company was formed, how Dr. Suresh got involved with people with powers and finally cleared up why a classy lady like Angela Petrelli was always stealing socks!

This week, we focused on Coyote Sands and finding out why the hell Angela brought her family there, and what happened so many years ago that had Angela saying, “Mum’s the word.” We last saw Peter, Nathan, Claire and Noah digging up bones while Angela looked far into the distance, probably remembering the horrible things that occurred. Sadly, Angela’s sister, Alice, her parents and all the others at Coyote Sands were killed. Through black and white flashbacks, we learn how it all came to be.

BACK IN THE DAY

Surprisingly, the first face we meet in 1961 is Dr. Chandra Suresh. He greets Angela and her sister who have been brought, by their parents, to have their abilities tested. Everything looks all cheery and campy and fun except for the men toting huge guns. Angela plays the big sister role well, always assuring Alice that everything will be okay and this place will mean good things for them. Alice, who also brought nothing but toys on this trip has cold feet, and Angela promises to find her some sock. (So, it all makes sentimental sense!) Angela already has visions which to her are more like nightmares that keep her awake at night. Oh, and Alice is all Storm-like, controlling the weather.

One of the nights, Angela has a nightmare that Dr. Suresh is involved in killing the parents and children in Wonderland. This shocks him, and we all know Dr. Suresh never seemed to be that kind of man, but it’s pretty clear how dead on she is when she predicts the cards he hold in her hands during one of his tests. She can even predict what he will say because she’s already envisioned it.

Angela also quickly befriends three other guys at the site. The young men turn out to be Charles Deveaux, Daniel Linderman and Bob Bishop. Oh, the beginnings of the Company are falling into place. But why are they alive, if everyone else is dead? She confides in them regarding her vision and what she saw, hoping they can help form a plan to save everyone.

While eating at a diner and formulating a plan, Angela notices a dramatic shift in the weather and realizes something really wrong must be happening with Alice. Alice was taken for testing by Suresh and being the scared little girl she is, she ends up lighting bolting one of the guys recording the testing and causing what looks like a sandstorm. While running away, she also causes more mayhem because her dad tries to protect her with his powers and is gunned down. All hell breaks loose of course, though we don’t see it. All we see is the scared girl hiding, probably wondering where the hell her sister was and why she said that everything would be alright.

PRESENT DAY

When a storm starts brewing, Angela is convinced that her sister must be there. How could she be alive? That’s another question, but she knows she has to confront her on her own. While all this is going on, Nathan has caught up to Peter who flew away exasperated at the end of last week and begs for his forgiveness. He’s already got Claire on his side, working it on his behalf, but Peter doesn’t cave so easily.

On the other hand, Noah, while looking for Angela runs into Mohinder, who’s not to happy to see the man who captured him and locked him away in Building 26. Once Noah convinces him that he was always on his side and explains why he and the others came to Coyote Sands, Mohinder finally has some answers to what his father was doing. He even sees the correlation in what happened to him when he became obsessed with curing people with powers. (Poor Mohinder. I was actually hoping he’d die this episode. We’ll see later why I thought that.)

But Angela was right. Somehow Alice was still alive, and living on her own in the desert has sorta driven her crazy. She’s been waiting there the whole time because Angela said she would be safe if she stayed there. (Isn’t that so sad!) It seems like a sweet family reunion until Angela confesses it was all her fault and tries to apologize. Immediately Alice puts two and two together and gets so angry that she starts another storm that lightenings Mohinder and almost kills Angela. She tries to talk her down by saying she has a family in the people who are here, but Alice wants none of it. At least she doesn’t kill anyone, and instead just disappears. I wonder if she’s more like Storm than I thought and used the wind to fly herself away because Angela, only steps behind her, can’t catch up to her and doesn’t even see her leave!

Finally part of the past has been settled, and a big question of how the Company came to be has been answered which I really appreciate. (Thanks, Fuller!) Later on, our crew sits around a table, deciding to take up the old Company’s quest to keep people with powers a secret. Peter even forgives Nathan because he knows he must to move forward as a family. Mohinder, on the other hand, sticks around, mostly because he’s being whiney and hard on himself for the things he’s done that seemed very much like the massacre at Coyote Sands.

In the final scene, the crew sees Nathan on the TV screen being the Senator we know him to be. Except we know it’s not Nathan. Fortunately, Noah is there, and he knows what we know. That Sylar must be planning something with Danko. Now, I’m just itching to find out what that plan may be!

Season 3, Episode 23: 1961 (originally aired April 13, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Coyote Ugly by Paul Secrest.

For more on Heroes, click here.

Mondays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Adam Taylor, Chris Haston

The Celebrity Apprentice: The Rivers Wild

It’s another 2-hour CelebApprentice! This week, the champagne flies and a special guest arrives. Can you contain your excitement?

Yes, I can too. I know I was excited about this show, guys, but it’s only a little better than this season of ANTM, and that show is awful this cycle. I think it comes down to the fact that most of the contestants are either boring or unlikable. Or both. Because Clint Black is boring, but he’s also unlikable (and a little creepy). And as Perlow points out, “I don’t care what they do in Texas, but you don’t wear hats inside.  I don’t like when he does it and I didn’t like when Trace did it, peanut allergies aside.” So take that, Clint Black.

But really, is Natalie generating any excitement? Did T-boz when she was here? The only thing exciting about her was her exit. Claudia and Khloe were a little interesting, and Brande’s looking more and more tired. Herschel’s great, but I’m still waiting for his expression to change. And as if I need to explain Jesse James. Green, Rodman and ADC were all unlikable, and though Brian McKnight started out strong, I think he’s actually bored by the show. Joan, Melissa and Annie are all …mostly irritating. Occasionally funny, but still irritating.

Which really pumps us all up for this week’s challenge, right? The remaining celebrities mourn the loss of the double-eliminated contestants (ciao, Khloe and T-boz!), and then the next morning, they’re right back into it. Per Trump, Brian joins Athena for the next task, which is to create an in-store merchandising display for LifeLock. You know that product where the CEO gives us all his social security number, because his product is just that good? Anyway, it’s Project Manager selection time, and Annie quickly and easily convinces Brian to take the lead, while Kotu relies on the untested Natalie. P.S. George is back!

Over at Athena, Brian leads like a man who hopes he loses so he can go home. Annie takes charge in the executive discussions, and repeatedly reminds Brian about deadlines and details. She grows increasingly frustrated by Brian’s lack of leadership and interest, but as Melissa points out, also covers her own ass at every opportunity so that should they lose, she’s safe.

Melissa, meanwhile, focuses on research for Brian, who will be giving the presentation to the executives. Brande goes with Jesse to the display manufacturer, and on the way, she admits that this week, her contributions will consist of doing only exactly what she’s told. Oh, girl. I liked you, and now you’re just wasting my time. Then Jesse comes down with the flu and excuses himself to vomit seven times. Is he for real? He kept working! But if he left, that would mean Brande would need to take initiative, except she was too busy flirting with the guys in Wood Shop class, so screw that. So Jesse soldiers through, but Brian, Annie and Melissa blame Brande for being uncommunicative and incoherent. I feel like they were looking for a scapegoat, not that Brande wasn’t asking for it.

Over on Kotu, things go more smoothly, with the only problems being Clint’s inability to share the phone and a slight printing glitch on the product display. Editing makes the most of turning it into a crisis, but it all ends up okay.

Go-time! Brian charms his way through the presentation to the LifeLock executives, relying heavily on facts and less on flash. Kotu, however, uses celebrity endorsements (their own) to sell the product, and Joan does an okay job at the presentation.

To the Boardroom! Natalie talks up her team, and they in turn, compliment her. However, Joan only gives Natalie a 7 or 8 out of 10, and Natalie misinterprets this as a compliment, so at least she’s happy. Joan and Clint are friends again because he’s not an awful writer (he’s written two screenplays, you know. And you didn’t know, because no one’s bought them. Surprised?).  Athena won’t point fingers … yet.

Blah blah blah, and Kotu wins! Do you care about the specifics? They’d bore you. Kotu heads for the Champagne Room, and Joan interviews that she knows Melissa is safe – LifeLock safe -  because Joan had dinner with Annie last night, and Annie spent the time bashing Brande, insisting that the playmate’s time is up.

In case you forget that part, don’t worry, because Joan and Melissa are going to remind us CONSTANTLY over the next hour of footage.

In the Boardroom, Brian pleads Athena’s case while half-asleep. He clearly is not into this at all. When asked, Annie blames Brian for the lack of urgency, and then calls him the weakest member of the team. In the Champagne Room, Joan calls Annie a troublemaker, and a snake (cousin to Tiffani) because she lied and isn’t going after Brande. Trump points fingers at Melissa, who defends herself by saying she compiled research. George cries “nay!” and says that if she had spent less time on research and done more creatively, Athena might have won. Melissa respectfully disagrees, and tells George his criticism is “unjustified.” And that’s when I become even more angry at Melissa than I normally am, because that’s George. The man isn’t just a media whore, Melissa. He’s a real life frikkin businessman, so he knows what he’s talking about. His criticism is spot on.

Brande and Jesse say they’d fire Brian, and Melissa says she’d fire Brande for having no initiative. Annie claims to like Brande, but Brande take risks, and in poker, you have people who play to win, and people who play to last, and Brande’s playing to last. And then Ivanka calls bullshit, and tells Annie that Annie’s playing to last, and not playing to win. Annie covers by agreeing that it’s time for her to be project manager.

In the Champagne Room, Joan bristles at Annie’s hypocrisy, and when Brian offers Brande and Melissa as the sacrifice, Joan throws her champagne. I remember this one time in Kindergarten that was very similar, just with less plastic surgery. Joan threatens to leave immediately if Trump fires Melissa, in what shall be known as the Great Melissa Conspiracy of 2009. Only Joan and Melissa know anything about it.

In the hall, Joan bitches out Annie for being a liar. I wish someone would remind Joan that this is a game, so of course someone’s going to go after Melissa eventually. But it doesn’t matter, because in the Boardroom, Brian folds almost instantly. What a letdown you are, Brian. Trump has no choice, so he fires him. Even that was boring, because Brian could barely stay awake.

Speaking of just quitting … I wish Joan would. All this, “I’m going to quit if Melissa’s eliminated…” Give me a break. It’s a competition. At some point, someone’s going to badmouth Melissa, or even try to throw her under the bus. There’s nothing wrong with that – it’s a game. That’s what they’re supposed to do. And I’m fairly sure if the roles were reversed, Melissa would have given her mother a hug on the way out, but she wouldn’t have quit over her. It’s a little ridiculous.

Trump calls them all back into the Boardroom to immediately issue the next challenge: The teams must host a fashion show and auction of Ivanka’s jewelry line, and whoever raises the most money wins. Annie’s obligated to “step up” as Project Manager. Trump volunteers Joan, even though she was prepared to volunteer Herschel.

The final half hour is all about set up: Over on Kotu, Natalie selects the jewelry for the auction, with the idea of selecting the cheapest pieces to auction at the highest prices, thereby making a greater profit.  Joan doesn’t like Natalie’s choices. Uh oh! We watch Annie making several phone calls to secure high profile donors; Kotu can barely scrape together and guarantee $100k. Uh oh!

On Athena, The Conspiracy Against Melissa continues as Annie butters up Brande, thereby ensuring that Brande performs well enough for Annie to win. Melissa complains in nearly every interview about how betrayed she feels, and what a conniving bitch Annie is. Uh oh? Who cares? It’s a game!!!! Annie tells her team if they lose, she’s taking in the people who raised the least amount of money, no offense guys. FYI, no one can raise as much as Annie, so she feels she’s safe. Melissa secures more sell-worthy jewelry than Natalie, but Annie doesn’t let her pick the models’ clothes, and that’s not fair! This is what Melissa does! This is her thing. Just like all those red carpet broadcasts are her thing. Poor Melissa. Instead, Brande handles the models’ clothing because she understands beautiful women better (that’s literally Annie’s logic, not mine), and manages to almost screw it up by being self-absorbed. I really like Brande, but they’re editing her into such a bimbo this week. Probably to emphasize the Melissa-Brande-Annie triangle.

And on that note, Melissa won’t shut up about how Annie hated Brande two days ago and talked all this crap about her – instead of complaining about it, why not tell Brande? She’s the one thinking that everything’s okay, but maybe if you told her that Annie’s using her, Brande could adjust her attitude appropriately. But why do something like that when it’s just easier to play the martyr? I couldn’t have less sympathy for Melissa. So go ahead and quit, Joan, because I hope you both get fired!

Finally, Kotu examines its fundraising totals and worry about Annie. Natalie doesn’t like asking people for money, and feels she’s exhausted her sources, but she comes up with a brilliant idea: What if there are rivals of Annie’s who are willing to raise money against her for Kotu? Natalie starts making phone calls, and honestly, that’s an awesome idea. I so so so hope that works, because how humbling would that be for Annie? You can already see her jaw drop and the steam shoot out of her ears.

We end up with Trump sitting down a secret guest, asking him to keep an eye on things. He breaks down the contestants: Joan and Annie hate each other, Jesse’s raised no money, and Melissa’s a brat (ha!). Who is the secret guest? Bill Rancic! Just kidding. Piers Morgan! I don’t know why I thought it would be Bill, but I did, ever since last week’s promos. Is there anyone watching who’d know Bill? He was one of Trump’s best henchmen. I should have seen Piers coming a mile away, but I didn’t, and who cares? Because Piers rocked this show, I’m now a fan of his, and I’m happy to see him be an ass in the Boardroom next week. You know he’s going to be obnoxious.

So another dud episode except for Natalie’s genius plan which I really hope works out, and the arrival of Piers. I have high hopes for next week. According to the promos, the Boardroom’s going to get nasty.

Natalie’s charity: The Boys and Girls Club of America

Next week: Piers! And someone’s just like Hitler, if you can forget we’re all playing for charity here.

Season 2, Episode 7 (originally aired April 12, 2009)

For more on The Celebrity Apprentice, click here.

Sundays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Ali Goldstein

Dancing with the Stars: Saucy and Sweet

This week on DWTS, the stars performed some saucy, strong paso dobles and sweet Viennese Waltzes. And at the end, one of the dancers had his last dance. Let’s dive in …

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks) were up first with a romantic Viennese Waltz, but once again it seemed like Julianne was doing all the work. Len and Bruno thought that Chuck was “emerging from the shadows”, but Carrie Ann remained unimpressed and the judges fought. Loves it. Total: 23

Football star Lawrence Taylor had to channel his strength and aggression with the Paso Doble. And while he sure threw Edyta around a lot, it felt timid to me, like he was still unsure of his steps. However, the judges were apparently closing their eyes and thought it was good. Go figure. But then their scores reflected their true feelings. Total: 20

Shawn Johnson was up next with a simple and saccharine Waltz. In her gorgeous white dress, Shawn floated around the floor with partner Mark, and it was angelic. The judges had some constructive criticism for the pint-sized tumbler on her footwork and posture, but mostly they loved it. And I believe I uttered a little “aw” when it was over, so you know it was good. Total: 26

After impressing me last week, Melissa Rycroft tripped up – literally – this week in her Paso. The dance lacked the aggressive quality necessary in the dance, and Melissa got caught up in her dress, which seemed to throw off the end of the piece. It was still good – but not great. Total: 25

David Alan Grier and Kym were up next with a light, but awkward Waltz. There was an especially weird attitude turn going on that distracted from the rest of the dance, and the choreography was just odd and much too stilted. The judges were in agreement that it was a good performance for a difficult dance, but no one was all that enthused. Total: 22

Hottie Gilles Marini was back this week, and just in case his extreme hotness and dance skills were making you question his sexuality, his adorable French son showed up to do  martial arts with his “Papa”. After that he probably didn’t have to dance and would still have gone on with the female audience’s votes alone, but he did dance and oh what a dance it was. Let’s start with the shirtlessness. Yowza. Then the lack of shaving. Woo. And then there was that smoldering look, the flawless moves, the strength, the heat. I need a cold shower. Total: 29

Poor Steve-O had to follow Gilles with a Waltz, which you know with Steve-O was going to be awkward. But Lacey – ever the smart choreographer – camouflaged Steve-O’s awkwardness by making him a mime for a Parisian-styled routine. It was silly and theatrical, but I thought it worked. The judges agreed that it was an improvement for Steve, but still nowhere near the other stars. Total: 18

Bull-rider Ty Murray was up next, ready to lasso in a paso. But first he put Chelsie on a bull, and Chelsie told him that he needed to think of the dance as if she was a bull. Ty responded that if all bulls were like Chelsie there’d be a lot more bull-riders in this world. Ha ha. And it didn’t even come off sleazy. So you know he’ll be going through to the next round on that comment alone. His dance certainly won’t save him – it was much too timid and robotic for a paso. Total: 21

Then Lil’ Kim and Derek finished off the night right with a beautiful Waltz that was spurred on by Kim’s big smile. She looked like she was having so much fun that the dance was infectious. Watch out for Lil’ Kim – she’s an up and comer. Total: 26

Tuesday night’s result show meant the return of the dance off. (Woo?) But first Lil’ Kim and Derek performed an encore of their Waltz. Then Etta James showed up to perform “At Last,” and she probably shouldn’t have been complaining so much recently about Beyoncé performing her hit all over the place, because the bootilicious star sure sounds a lot better on the tune than the aging James. The cast of the Vegas show “Le Rêve” also performed, and Disney sweetheart Demi Lovato sang her song “La La Land” (not well) while Lacey’s brother Benji hit the floor for a lively jive.

So who was in the bottom two to dance? It was David & Kym and Lawrence & Edyta. So they danced off. They were both still awkward, but David was better. However, David’s not a popular football star. So off he went. And Lawrence gets to dance another day.

Season 8, Round 4: Episodes 8 and 9 (originally aired April 6 and 7, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Dancing with the Stars: Beauty and the Geek Get the Boot

This week on Dancing with the Stars, two couples would be getting the boot, but first the stars had to dance to one of the show’s most exciting dances: the high-energy Lindy Hop and the highly-seductive Argentine Tango.

David Alan Grier and his partner Kym were the first to perform the challenging Lindy Hop, but it didn’t really have much hop to it – in fact they were often off tempo and even the plentiful tricks seemed awkward. The judges praised David’s commitment but couldn’t help but note that he lost the beat. Total: 22

Lil’ Kim and Derek were up next with the first Argentine Tango of the night and kicked it off right. The dance was steamy – with some hot choreography (that wasn’t to fuddy-duddy Len’s taste, but what is?) – which brought the audience to its feet. At least Bruno and Carrie Ann loved it and Bruno handed them the first 10 of the season. Total: 27

Barbie and Ken (Chuck Wicks and Julianne) were up next with a Lindy Hop where Chuck and Julianne looked ready to serve up some burgers. The dance was crisp and fun, but the judges weren’t blown away. Total: 22

Lawrence Taylor and Edyta tackled a tough Argentine Tango next. And even though Lawrence worried he might no longer be married after the seductive dance, his tango completely lacked heat. Plus, it looked like LT was just walking around for most of it. Total: 19 (with a gruesome 5 from Len)

Ty Murray took the bull by the horns with his heavily-tricked out Lindy Hop with Chelsie Hightower. Even though he nearly killed her in rehearsals, their heart-pounding Hop had the audience applauding and shocked the judges. Len even called him a “great wonder” for his improvement since the first week. Total: 25

Cloris Leachman, I mean Steve Wozniak was up next with an Argentine Tango and if I thought that Lawrence Taylor’s dance was all walking this was ridiculous. Boy was it not good – not good at all. Even Carrie Ann couldn’t find anything nice to say about it, and Bruno memorably said that it stunk like ghettos of Buenos Aires. But Steve responded that he was “still standing”. Hardly. Total: 12

Finally in week 3, Melissa Rycroft impressed me. Her Lindy Hop was full of flips and skips and dips – basically, it rocked. It was so fast and so sharp and so difficult that I had to give in and clap. The judges loved it too – and Carrie Ann, who’s shared my skepticism of trained dancer Melissa – jumped down to high five her and partner Tony. Kudos. Total: 29

The awkward, chemistry-less Tangos continued when Holly Madison and Dmitry hit the floor. But she fell off her stool in the beginning of the number, and it was all downhill from there. The steps were off and very wobbly, and it looked like Dmitry was just dragging Holly around. (And they didn’t have the Bunny do the Lindy Hop? How disappointing!) Total: 16

Jackass Steve-O channeled his inner clown for this week’s Lindy Hop with partner Lacey, and at least it was better than last week. But poor Steve-O still can’t dance. And the judges weren’t too kind. Total: 15

Now if you want to really see an Argentine Tango, YouTube Gilles Marini and Cheryl’s performance this week. It was sexy, sexy, sexy, and I’m pretty sure Gilles was trying to seduce the entire audience with his smoldering stare. Plus, he nailed every little step and kick. It was so perfect that Carrie Ann said she couldn’t tell who was the professional dancer and who was the celebrity, and caused her to congratulate Gilles’ wife with a little “woo-hoo-hoo”. I know the feeling. The judges were all seduced by Gilles and awarded him with the first perfect score of the season. Total: 30!

Shawn Johnson and Mark closed the show with a gymnastic-filled Lindy Hop that had the audience cheering but wasn’t as well-received by the judges. They were hoping for a little less tumbling and a little more dancing – but Shawn has nothing to fear. Mark’s short shorts will be enough to get the audience’s votes. Total: 25

Then it was on to Tuesday’s results show. Gilles and Cheryl kicked it off with their smokin’ Tango. Kevin Rudolph performed his hit “Let it Rock” while Julianne, Chelsie and Lacey danced in some edgy, black outfits that was truly impressive. A boring Viennese Waltz routine was also performed, and then Boyz II Men performed some Motown hits.

Finally they got around to revealing who was going home. In the bottom three were Holly & Dmitry, Steve-O & Lacey, and Steve & Karina. So who was hopping home?

It was curtains for Holly and Steve Wozniak. So long, Beauty and the Geek.

Season 8, Round 3: Episodes 6 and 7 (originally aired March 30 and 31, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Preview: State of Play – Anybody’s Guess

This Friday, Universal Pictures will be unleashing State of Play, a star laden adaptation of a BBC miniseries featuring the talents of Russell Crowe, Rachel McAdams, Ben Affleck, and The Queen herself, Helen Mirren. The death of a congressman’s mistress sends Capitol Hill into an uproar and sets off the media like a squid tossed in a shark tank. Did he kill her? Will the press hold onto ethical standards of journalism? Most importantly, will it be even remotely entertaining?

I’m all for Russell Crowe. I could watch Gladiator several times a year, and his performance in 3:10 To Yuma was a malicious wonder. But a few of his recent movies have felt more like homework than Hollywood. I went into American Gangster expecting Scarface, but I got a PBS docudrama on Vietnam and its effect on the American drug trade. Body of Lies was little better, but still kinda Dateline-y. Lest I start sounding like Joe Dirt Moviegoer, I love a film that can intelligently blend intrigue, realism, and nonfiction. But it’s been a long time since A Beautiful Mind.

If anything about this movie might guarantee to get my butt into those cushy fold down velvety seats, it’s the return of Rachel McAdams to the spotlight she seemingly abandoned after having a dynamic 2005 including Wedding Crashers and Red Eye. She’s talented, charming, and insanely beautiful; I say her reemergence is long overdue. And mad props to Ben Affleck for continuing to keep a low profile in well chosen supporting roles as a means of slowly and meticulously re-earning the public’s good will.

Final verdict? State of Play might be awesome, might be dry as toast. I’m instinctively inclined to wait for video, but I’d be happy to be proven wrong.

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