The Celebrity Apprentice: Because He’s Donald Trump

This is why we needed Dennis Rodman to go home, and Andrew Dice Clay, and Tom Green. We can finally marvel at the stupidity of celebrity without being distracted by things like alcoholism and ego and men in wedding dresses. Sadly, I’m not talking about Rodman on that last one.

Let’s start with a nice moment between T-boz and Phillip Oliver, as she hands over her $20,000 check for the Sickle Cell Anemia Foundation. Then it’s on to the challenge! But first – it’s time to mix up the teams! The contestants seem shocked, proving once again that no one watches this show but me. Trump restructures, deliberately dooming Kotu even further by teaming up Joan, Clint, Natalie, Herschel and Khloe; Annie, Melissa, Brande, T-boz and Jesse now make up Athena (Brian’s away this week).

Trump introduces Kevin and Shannon, executives at All, who introduce the challenge: each team will create a viral video to promote All Small and Mighty detergent. Blogger Perez Hilton will help judge the videos. Thanks a lot, Trump. Does this mean I’m going to have to finally learn who this guy is?

Clint PM’s for Kotu, and Melissa and her fifteen years of production experience for Athena. The teams head to their loft apartment war rooms to brainstorm. Take note that the number one search response on viral videos is “midget.” This is not the case when I search, but Annie says so, so it must be true. And what better to represent All’s detergent than midgets? Er, Little People? Because Little People are small and mighty. Get it??? I hope so, because that’s the joke that sustains both teams’ videos.

Before meeting with the company executives, Herschel dodges out for a prior commitment, and Kotu develops a joke Clint tells about using “doing the laundry” as code for “let’s have sex tonight.” It involves the wife not being in the mood “to do laundry,” later changing her mind and stripping to her skivvies, and the husband saying, “it was a small load, I did it myself.” I hope you get it, because I don’t want to explain it. Masturbation’s always funny, just like Little People, I guess.

Then the teams have their one-on-ones with Kevin and Shannon, and it could not be more clear that though the All executives say they want edgy and viral, what they really want is clever and safe. All’s target group is women with children, between the ages of 25 and older. Kevin and Shannon laugh at nothing and are easily offended.

So, on the one hand, we have Kotu and their Little Person and a dirty joke about masturbation, and on the other, we have Little People scrubbing down Jesse James.

You see, Annie and Jesse butt heads over ideas: he wants to use bikers, she wants to use him. And Little People. Scrubbing him down for cleanliness. Jesse finally compromises on the idea and agrees to be in the video. Melissa sends bossy Annie off for task-related errands with T-boz, so naturally, Annie’s in her glory because she can talk at someone all day who won’t stand up to her, and Melissa’s in her glory because she’s in charge of everyone.

Over on Kotu, the women correctly read the uptightness of Kevin and Shannon, and suggest modifying their idea. Clint disagrees. Joan specifically becomes frustrated with Clint’s stubbornness, even as he grins the whole time like a clown. That little man is scary! Natalie and Khloe agree with Joan but won’t confront Clint, further frustrating Joan.

During the video shoot, Kotu brings in their Little Person, who has a great sense of humor and no acting experience. Sadly … awkwardly … they fire him. Now, their joke of small and mighty is based on the visual reference of the Little Person. Clint is so sold on his joke that he refuses to see that the punchline walked out of the room with the pink slip. Clint decides to play the husband role himself.

Joan explodes. Several times. I’d hate to argue with her because she’s the kind that talks over you, repeating herself so you can’t answer her questions. Clint ignores the women as much as possible, and continues shooting the video the way he wants. Herschel returns later in the day, surprised at the concept, at the bored women, and at Clint for turning into a megalomaniac and possible porn star. Khloe interviews endlessly that the women of Kotu had nothing to do, and this disaster was all Clint.

Over at Athena, the shoot goes better, with Annie still trying to call some of the shots, and with Brande afraid to speak up against the use of harsh language. The Little People arrive, and one of them specifically says he doesn’t mind costumes, as long as he doesn’t look like an oompa loompa. Then the costumes arrive, and he looks like an oompa loompa. But with yellow hair!  So it’s different! He appears to be unhappy with this development. Nevertheless, no one gets fired, the video gets made, and by all accounts, everyone has a good time, pleased with the final product. This carries over into the editing room, where Athena collaborates to finish their product.

Team Kotu suffers in comparison, with Clint locking everyone out of the editing, allowing them in only when the video is finished. You know, I can’t explain how awful this video looks. Check it out. Or don’t, because it’s bad. The joke doesn’t translate, Clint Black is creepy, and the wife is played by a hot model who disrobes into a bikini/lingerie. Yeah, those moms out there are really going to pass this along. But hey, pick up All Small and Mighty Detergent! It’s fun to masturbate with!

Wait, was that not the appropriate message?

Trump sits down with Kevin and Shannon, and even I can’t wait to see their reactions, because are you kidding me? Both videos offend them; Kotu’s gratuitous skin, inappropriate jokes and Clint Black disgust them. Well, maybe not Clint so much. Though they like Athena’s product placement, the swearing and demeaning of the Little People take their joke from hilarious to “huh?” Trump calls Perez Hilton, who incorrectly thinks he’s on a video conference (because he keeps talking and nodding into his laptop), and he says that Kotu failed and Athena nailed it. Well, he’s a blogger, so I guess he’s in the know? Kevin and Shannon stand their righteous, uptight ground. And I love them for it, because they’re right, and both teams completely missed the mark, bloggers aside.

And I say: Call me highbrow, but I’ve never understood the instant comedy of Little People. I’m offended by the blatant exploitation, and I can’t believe that no one on either team thought the same way. And I’d love to know how many moms and non-moms out there really recognize Jesse James. I didn’t know him before this show, so if I received the Athena video, I would have said, “who?” and deleted it. Torture Melissa Rivers, I’ll watch. Spoof a TLC video, I’ll watch. Spoof and play off of Brande’s Playboy image, I’ll probably watch. Jesse James is the best we can come up with?

Don’t get me started on Kotu. I think everyone at home can count the ways that team failed, starting with using the company’s product as lube.

So on to the boardroom! Before the results are announced, Joan rats out Clint for his idea and his lack of teamwork. Clint politely tries to fight back against a vicious Joan, until Melissa interrupts to defend her mother. When Melissa wasn’t even there. Trump really should have told her to shut up, but we have two hours to fill here. Finally, Trump announces that the executives hated both videos – both teams lose, and Melissa and Clint must each choose their two sacrifices. Tonight, two people will be fired. Awesome!

Melissa says that she had spoken with her team earlier, and should the team lose, T-boz offered to come in. With no other takers, Melissa chooses a very disappointed and worried-looking Brande to join her. Clint chooses Natalie and Khloe, which almost makes sense, because Clint’s not winning against Joan and Melissa.

When the teams return, Athena’s up first, and T-boz and Brande compliment Melissa’s leadership skills, as does Melissa herself. She also accepts the blame for the loss. Trump’s impressed by the great job she did, and by the fact that he can’t lose the Rivers Duo yet. So he turns to Brande and points out that she didn’t volunteer to come back. She’s slightly embarrassed but agrees. Then Trump awesomely turns to T-boz and asks if she knows who Bradford is. No one in the room knows who he is except for me and Trump. Bradford from Season 2 who was a frontrunner early on, until he volunteered to come back to the Boardroom. Then Trump fired his ass, because you never volunteer for execution, and with that, T-boz, we cannot live with your design-T-boz, you’re fired! Everyone at the table is shocked, especially T-boz. And with that, get out, Athena!

Next up is Kotu, and while I loved Trump’s reasoning for firing T-boz (look, Trump might be ridiculous, but at least he’s consistently ridiculous. Never volunteer for the Boardroom!), I’m undecided about his logic here. Trump asks Clint if he’d like to leave so he can go back to concerts and recording. Clint says he’d like to continue. Trump then asks Natalie if she’d like to leave so that she can play in an Asian golf tournament, win her prize and accept her large appearance fee, and she says, matter-of-factly, “I gave you my word I would do this,” and doesn’t think twice about staying. I like Natalie. She seems extremely down to earth and no nonsense. She just has to learn that common sense doesn’t always apply to customer service, which has landed her in trouble more than once.

Next, Trump brings up that Khloe missed part of the last task, and has her explain her absence. She admits that she was fulfilling part of her punishment for her infamous DUI. We hear the details of her program, but ultimately, Trump says that he hates people who drink and drive. He then lectures her on her mistake, and says he lost respect for her. Apparently, Trump didn’t know about Khloe’s drunken mishaps, and his staff didn’t believe in doing a thorough reporting job, because otherwise, he claims he wouldn’t have let her on the show. After the Dennis fiasco, Trump has to set an example. So he donates $20,000 to Khloe’s charity, because they shouldn’t suffer for her mistakes. Then, he fires Khloe. For something unrelated to the show. Um, I’m not sure I’m cool with Trump’s reasoning on this one.

Best part: Don, Jr. laughs his way through the whole episode, from when he visits Athena and tells them their idea is offensive, to the boardroom where he laughs at the Joan versus Clint fighting. When Melissa claims that her mother isn’t obnoxious, and she isn’t obnoxious, Don interrupts and says, “Not even a little bit?” I love this guy!

Next week: Joan throws her champagne, and a surprise guest!

Season 2, Episode 6 (originally aired April 5, 2009)

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Sundays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Ali Goldstein