The Tudors: Picture It, England, 1536

Last time in history, Henry divorced Catharine to marry Anne Boleyn, who gave birth to Elizabeth but miscarried her son after finding Henry with his new mistress Jane Seymour, separated from the Roman Catholic Church and killed his friend Thomas More, and had Anne executed for buggery, adultery, and witchcraft.

We begin in 1536 with the wedding of King Henry and Jane Seymour.  This will be Henry’s third attempt to father a son with a woman.  Wait, this will be Henry’s third wife in hopes of fathering a son.  He’s been with many women and there are a few bastard heirs floating about.  And Charles Brandon is still hanging around and, well, looking mighty fine.  Is he the only character still from the first season?

Mr. Cromwell announces that Mary and Elizabeth have been declared illegitimate but there is concern that the new queen will favor a return to Catholicism.  That night, there’s the consecration and blessing of the royal bed.  The priest slips the new queen the old crucifix worn by the late Queen Catharine.  Henry’s feeling shy tonight and dismisses the many witnesses to this sexual congress, which included the audience.

Up in Sawley Abbey (Yorkshire) there’s trouble afoot from the king’s commissioners.  Oh, they’re seizing the wealth from the monasteries, which apparently included desecrating a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  This angers people and they blame Cromwell, with talk of rebellion.  Ok it was just two guys talking in the commons but this is planting a seed like Henry and his new bride.

Cromwell reviews the captures from the monasteries, the accounting of funds, and the millions of pounds in seized church lands.  This leads to banter about the abuses and excesses of the Roman Catholic church in England.  If this weren’t mostly historically accurate, I’d wager that the anti-Catholic DaVinci Code folks were behind this.

Sir Edward Seymour, as the brother of the new queen, is appointed to a variety of positions and receives his letters of patent. Henry looks on with weird facial hair modeled in the style of Prince.  He’s received a letter from his daughter Mary, asking him to take her back into his fold.  He will not do so until she submits to his supremacy and the illegitimacy of his marriage to her mother.  And Sir Francis Bryan the pirate is appointed to the Privy Council.

Eustache Chapuys, ambassador to the emperor in Spain, is introduced to Jane, who expresses the joy of the Emperor to her marriage.  The hope here is that she will help bring peace between their countries.  Henry spies on from behind a door but escorts Chapuys out, threatening he may go to war with unnamed foreign powers but Jane would hold him back.

In Yorkshire, Robert Aske speaks to a crowd of unruly folks carrying spears.  They demand feast days, the end of the heresies, the restoration of their bishops, and a reduction of new tax levies.  Looks like they’re going to fight for their right to party.  Mr. Aske says he could not openly rebel against the king, yet someone shouts that Christ sacrificed and died for their sins.  Well, there’s a fair analogy during this Holy Week, no?

Jane accepts Lady Rochford, George Boleyn’s widow (and accuser), back into court.  And I don’t care.

Sir Francis Bryan meets with Mary to present the king’s presentation of demands, specifically that Henry is the head of the Church of England, she’s the product of an incestuous and illegitimate relationship, and that Rome is not good.  Mary will not do so and doubts he’d try her for treason, contrary to Bryan’s promises.

Henry is planning a “fabulous” coronation for Jane, and it will be held out in the ocean.  She beseeches him to forgive Mary, and he all but tells her to shut up.  But then he gives her a puppy!  So all is forgiven.

Bryan invites Lady Ursula Misseldon to be his mistress, but she’s engaged.  He gives her a necklace and she’s considering it.  It’s all very Pretty Woman, only without all of the horses.

Mary and Eustache discuss whether she should sign the king’s demands.  She wonders if she could sign it but then sign a private declaration that she did not mean it, endorsed by a papal absolution.  It’s like having your fingers crossed when signing a legal document.  I’ll need to try that next time I refinance my house.  Anyway, she relents once she learns the Emperor will not intervene on her behalf and that the king may have her killed.

Castle Gandolpho, the Pope’s Summer House in Newport, Rhode Island.  The pope is different this time but he’s also pleased that the whore Boleyn is dead.  They are hopeful the new queen is a true Catholic and will help restore the faith there.  He sends Father Paul back to England because he knows who he really is.  Whatever that means.

We see Bryan and Misseldon in post-coital bliss.  Now that’s the kind of gratuitous nudity we’ve come to expect on this show!  The scene had no other purpose.

In Yorkshire, Mr. Aske stares at the broken statute of Mary.  He begins to enlist people in his rebellious army. Correction: They are pilgrims.

Back in London, Henry receives the submission of Lady Mary.  He asks Cromwell to arrange a meeting between himself, Mary, and Jane.  He postpones the coronation for fear of the plague, and is very pleased with the funds Cromwell is recovering/stealing from the Catholic churches.

In her chambers, Jane is giving Lady Rochford items to sell to buy new clothes for Elizabeth (since the king won’t give her any funds) and to buy something nice for Mary.

At court, Cromwell is appointed Lord Privy Seal, which kind of means he’s a big deal around there.  We are clearly setting him up for a big fall.  And remember, when a big one goes down, four little ones move up.

Henry meets with Mary for the first time in years.  It would be a more touching scene had she not been threatened with treason and death if she didn’t agree to his demands.  But still, you Full House types will love it.

We get reports of open rebellion in the north with the goal of killing Cromwell and other leaders of the dissolution of the monasteries and Church reforms.  Henry is not pleased that this is only the first he’s hearing of this, notably Cromwell’s lack of good information about how the population is receiving Henry’s reforms.  Henry pens a quick order for the rebels to stop and to obey him under God’s commandments and the law of Nature.

Henry shares a story with Charles about a rebellion against his father when he was little.  He and his mother were terrified in the Tower.  He appoints Charles the commander of the royal forces to stamp out the insurrection.

Meanwhile, Henry has an open sore on his thigh and it hurts.  He tells Cromwell that Charles has permission to burn their lands and kill them all if they do not surrender.  Oh and he’ll also destroy Cromwell if this fails.

Well, that was a boring episode!  Hopefully this season will pick up or I’ll be hoping for a bout of the Plague.

Season 3, Episode 1 (originally aired April 5, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession