The Fashion Show: All the Bang, Half the Bucks
God, I hope this crap is better tonight.
The awful theme music returns, much to my dismay.
OMG, it’s five seconds into the show, and Kristen is already crying. Wait! She says that it’s in her best interest to leave the show, and she’s out. Hallelujah! I’m one person closer to never having to write a recap of this garbage again.
Welcome to the workroom, and Isaac tells these people that they are going to work in the same teams. Because Team Tube Dress is down two people (Johnny got the boot, and Kristen is a quitter), last week’s winner will pick someone from Team Bolero Jacket to be sent to Team Tube Dress.
James-Paul picks Daniella to go. Merlin – in a pink space hat and matching pink Stevie Nicks shawl – is ecstatic.
Harper’s Bazaar mini challenge. God, it’s Lauren Brown again. She sucks.
The mini challenge theme is: Wearability and Saleability. Saleability is not a word, Fashion Show Producers. Each team will get a box containing high end and low end items. They have to parse them out and dress one of the two mannequins in the “bank” items and the other in “budget” items. Team Hammer Pants starts, and it takes them three times to get it right. The other teams do it, too. All of this is timed. This is so dumb. I’m here to watch fashion designers, not some lame show about people wanting to be the next Hollywood Montrose.
I forgot who won. The teams elect their leaders for tonight, and the leaders are: James-Paul, Anna, and Haven.
They are designing for Tinsley Mortimer, a NY socialite, and they have to come up with four looks each. The budget is $40 or less per look. James-Paul’s team gets an extra $10 per look because apparently they won that stupid mini challenge.
Apparently, Tinsley Mortimer’s hair is her trademark. I have never heard of this woman, so she needs a new trademark. Anyway, the hairstyle counts in the judging, too.
You know it’s a bad show when you are more into the commercials than the episode.
When we return, we are watching as one team looks for two words to describe Tinsley Mortimer: “Fake ass?” “Why famous?” “Nature’s mistake?” James-Paul says, “Stealth Fighter.” That’s their theme for his team’s look.
Everyone hates Laura’s red tulle fabric that she’s going to layer over her black dress. She says that everyone is ganging up on her. Everyone should be because that red tulle is straight up hooker.
Johnny’s bragging about having two lines of clothes, but he says that he’s used to having sewers do the sewing for him. Anna is making a pretty hot little skirt with pleating down the front. Reco says, “Markus. He don’t have one piece made.” But Reco is proud of himself because he’s right on track. His reward is that he meets with the TRESemmé hair lady, Jeanie Syfu.
Isaac and Kelly come into the workroom to socialize. First, they ask James-Paul what his theme is. He replies, “stealth fighter” and Isaac and Kelly look at him like he is crazy. Isaac does not seem down with Angel’s paper airplanes dress.
Haven explains that she is going for a 1980s YSL/Linda Evans look. That makes sense because she looks like Lucy from Dallas. Laura is still trying to work in that hideous red tulle.
Team Anna is going for something built around electric blue fabric. Kelly is skeptical of every word that comes out of Daniella’s mouth.
Isaac and Kelly have their pre-scripted conversation outside of the workroom.
WAIT. Johnny is telling us that he has a crush on Markus because he looks like his boyfriend. As I indicated last week, Johnny looks like Roseanne (from Season 2). Markus, on the other hand, is generically, but universally, attractive. Maybe Johnny’s boyfriend is . . . a chubby chaser, maybe? I don’t know, but the images running through my mind do not get me hot and bothered.
Two hours to the fashion show! Johnny is worried that his chubby-chaser-boyfriend-look-alike is not gonna make it. Reco makes fun of Markus’s fancy schooling, and he described Markus’s work as a “a one-way ticket to home, honey.”
It’s time for the fashion show. Everyone says that everyone’s got problems. Reco is duct taping Johnny’s model’s boobie in the dress. The guest judges are people I never heard of and that Michelle Obama doesn’t wear.
Team James-Paul. Angel’s outfit looks pretty good; the paper airplanes are not really visible – thank goodness. Merlin’s is a little pink dress that he describes as a Mercedes. James-Paul’s dress looks all sorts of wrong, with weird angles jutting out everywhere. Lidia has given us a long black dress with pink piping in different places. This runway is the cheapest looking set piece ever. See? On Project Runway, they don’t try to make it something it’s not. This crap looks like crap, but they pretend like it looks like fashion week in Milan.
Anna’s team starts with her design, and it is the bomb! It has horizontal pleating down the front of the metallic skirt, and it is paired with a blue top. Andrew’s design has cool shoulders and a blue detail at the bottom. Daniella’s is a little jumpsuit with shorts and a sheer jacket. It really looks pretty good. Keith’s design is a hot mess. It’s an awful sack. Keith thinks the fabrications look really rich. I guess he likes fancy sacks. The camera cuts to some man half-heartedly clapping in the audience. You and me both, friend.
Johnny’s design is a little weird. There is a big flowered loop wrapping around her, and the judges can see the safety pins on her gown. Markus’s gown is awful. It looks like a diaper on the bottom and paper towels on the top. Haven’s garment is quite cute with a little top and short shorts. Laura’s design is that black dress with some of that foolish red tulle in a ruffle around the bottom. Reco’s gown is sorta strange, like something Blanche Devereaux would wear to the Rusty Anchor . Backstage, Reco gives Laura the country beatdown for using the red for a ruffle at the bottom.
We inch closer to the end of this show as judging begins. Tinsley Mortimer is helping with the judging. How old is Tinsley? Wikipedia says that she is 32, but she looks at least ten years older because of the heavy makeup and plastic surgery. The audience chose the winning teams from the fashion show, and they chose Anna’s team. Yeah, they were the best. Anna’s look and Daniella’s look were chosen as the top two individual looks on the team. Daniella is the winner, and she says that she needs to remember not to doubt herself. You can buy her garbage on bravtotv.com.
James-Paul’s team is safe, so Haven’s team is the LOSER. Haven talks about how she was going for an ’80s glamour look. Isaac said that he didn’t see Linda Evans. The worst looks were Markus and Laura . . . and Johnny. Three! Markus’s ugly dress is savaged. One of the models said that Laura’s model looked homeless, and Tinsley, like everyone else, hates the tulle. Isaac was most disturbed by Johnny’s look because everyone saw the safety pins. Isaac tells him, “You cannot give us bad construction.” Johnny talks about how he is not a seamstress, and he is not here to be “America’s Next Best Seamstress.” Johnny says, if they don’t like it, they should send him home.
Isaac is wearing the cutest blue leather loafers with white trim. I covet them.
Isaac is livid at Johnny backstage, telling everyone to restrain him. Everyone hates Laura’s look, and Markus gets the obligatory diaper comment from the judges.
Markus is safe, and he very dramatically says, “Thank you.” Laura is given the big kiss off. EVERYONE TOLD YOU NOT TO USE TO THE RED TULLE, FOOL! Isaac and Kelly use their lame cliché catchphrases to give Laura the boot and tell Johnny to get it together.
Well, we made it through another episode. I’m gonna need to get drunk for this show if it’s not going to improve, so, if you can’t understand next week’s recap, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.
Season 1, Episode 2: All the Bang, Half the Bucks (originally aired May 14, 2009)
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Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo
Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal