30 Rock: What are you talking about? It’s May.

It’s season finale week on 30 Rock, and we all know what that means: Alan Alda needs a kidney.  He can’t harvest hobo organs, he’s too old for the waiting lists, and according to the always reliable Dr. Spaceman, his newly discovered bastard child isn’t a match. What’s a TV legend to do? He might not live long enough to finish his three-volume Jimmy Carter biography, From Peanut to President!

Well, when your bastard child is Jack Donaghy, you host a charity kidney telethon, of course. After all, Jack’s such an important television man, he’s got the whole liberal media establishment at his disposal (hey, it worked for Rainstorm Katrina). And once you’ve got Clay Aiken (aka Kenneth’s cousin) and Elvis Costello (aka international art thief Declan McManus) on board, plus the support of the Loch Ness monster-seeking Mary J. Blige Foundation, it’s a done deal. Not to mention Jack’s secret European friends Sheryl Crow and Adam Levine (‘allo!). And the end of the episode, with Cyndi Lauper and a bunch of people I didn’t recognize singing an homage to the Jimmy Kimmel/Ben Affleck video of old, is really just icing. We’re never told the outcome of the telethon, but I think it’s safe to say Professor Alda’s getting his kidney, now!

Meanwhile, Tracy has been invited to speak at the graduation ceremony for his old school, Frank Lucas High. You’d think Tracy would be all over this – he’s allowed to drop up to five f-bombs, after all – but sadly, he hasn’t overcome his great high school trauma: being ordered to dissect a frog by his drug dealer/science teacher. He cried in front of his whole class, and has vowed never to cry again! (Except for how he cries all the time). But Kenneth tricks him into realizing his own worth – only to have Tracy sob as he accepts an honorary high school diploma and outs the closeted gay and white graduates. But it’s all okay, because now Tracy (and his high school chums Grizz and Dot Com) are going to college, and every single graduate of Tracy’s high school will grow up to become President of the United States. And so began the craziest summer of Kenneth’s life.

Further meanwhile, Liz, now the Funniest Woman in New York, has no choice but to join Jenna on “The Vontella Show“  (it’s okay, Courtney’s dead). Jenna, sadly, is unable to give relationship advice to a woman having a tanning-related emergency (you know how there are no secrets in the tanning community), so Liz steps in – and suddenly, Liz is the most sought-after relationship counselor who couldn’t even bring herself to commit to Jon Hamm in the city. Sadly, though, it ends badly, and we all learn a valuable lesson involving Tracy’s bowels.

Other things we learned this week:

• Liz and Sheryl Crow were best friends and co-kidneys in their fifth-grade school play.
• “Bisexual” is something they invented in the 90s to sell hair products.
• Jenna once did a gig to benefit old gays.
• This country has 600 million kidneys, and we only need about half.
• Tracy has a gun! That he lost!

Lines I resolve to use ASAP:

• Oh, my, that’s very urban.
• What do you think this is, Wings?
• How am I gonna live? I only have 300 million dollars!
• Vontella don’t care who Liz is.

Thanks for reading, y’all. Have a crazy summer, and remember, never badmouth synergy!

Season 3, Episode 22: Kidney Now! (originally aired May 14, 2009)

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Jessica Miglio