America’s Next Top Model Is…

It’s Top Model finale time! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for this one to be over. I know McKey was boring and these girls at least have personality, but I think the word that best describes this entire cycle, is “Meh.”

So let’s get to it. Tyra Mail informs us that it’s time for the final Cover Girl commercial and photo ad. Allison knows she has to work it, as she performed so poorly during the first commercial. Aminat calls herself the underdog, so she must step it up as well.

On set, McKey arrives to pimp a new Cover Girl product, and then Aminat’s up first. She rocks the commercial but continues to confound Jay with her inability to move her facial muscles. Her beauty shot is okay but not great; the photographer thinks she’s beautiful but needs to mature more as a model.

Allison also nails the commercial, at least for her. She does well, improving significantly over her previous awfulness – Jay’s impressed, but not that impressed. The photographer says she has a Bettie Page thing going on. Well…okay. Teyona looks amazing, but her nerves cause her to forget her lines, which causes her to freak out and tear up on set. Which is a big fall for the confident model, because she knows this could seriously threaten her win more than a good commercial by the other girls. She manages to finish, but with a poor performance. Her photo redeems her, with the photographer calling her fun to shoot because of the spark she brings to set.

Later, Teyona interviews about her mistakes, and breaks down in tears. I know Aminat and Allison want to win, but nobody wants this more than Teyona. Not even Celia, who seemed to think she’d earned it just by liking fashion.

But instead of rehashing that old bag, it’s elimination time!  Guest judge: Amir Slama, the designer of Rosa Cha, in whose fashion show the finalists will walk. We watch the final commercial, and I honestly think that Allison did the best even though Jay felt she wasn’t strong enough. Teyona’s up first, and we watch her stumble through her commercial take. Uh oh. The judges understand her nervousness and sympathize. And here’s why we know Teyona’s safe: Because any other girl would have received the speech: “Nerves? Girl, at this point in the competition, you can’t fail like this. A top model can’t have nerves. I’m Tyra! I was nervous too, but I rocked it out and look at me now!” To drive this point home, we hear about how her average beauty shot contains the famous “smiling eyes” and that Cover Girl is looking for a more sultry look, and that’s what Teyona nailed – not the commercial, fresh look they’ve always wanted before now. Huh?

The judges call Allison’s performance “all right,” and give her credit for slight improvement. However, her beauty shot wows Tyra, and Tyra also says that Allison had a whole batch of great shots to choose from – it looks like she can do “commercial” after all. You’d think someone who made the final three wouldn’t be such a surprise to the judges who put her there. Aminat’s performance is the judges’ favorite, but her photo disappointed, not just with the final shot, but with all of Aminat’s film.

The first elimination shouldn’t surprise anyone, and Allison is called first (holla!). Between Aminat and Teyona, Aminat’s non-working facial muscles are worse than Teyona’s awful commercial. Aminat cries good-bye in her exit interview, and she promises to keep on with this model thing. She and her kickin’ body go home.

Off to the Seventeen photo cover shoot! Ann Shoket calls this the closest battle between the finalists ever.  That might be true, but that fact doesn’t make this finale any more exciting. Then it’s …

The Rosa Cha fashion show! Both girls are excited, and throw out phrases like “do or die” and calm your nerves, “stat.” Since there’s absolutely no drama between Teyona and Allison (how disappointed must the producers be?), the focus remains on the show. Allison, apparently, has been practicing, and her walk is almost…decent. They both survive the runway – i.e., nobody trips, falls, or otherwise embarrasses themselves (it looks like Allison almost lost her headdress, but no one mentions it). During one pass, the girls samba dance down the runway. Ms. J stands in his colorful, Brazilian dress and shakes his booty towards both girls. Allison interacts and shakes back at him, while Teyona blinks and moves on. Hilarious, because where the heck has Allison’s personality been?  Tyra likes it. The last walk is actually a crawl. All of the models lather up in an oil-esque substance, then everyone slides along the floor and each other to make it down the runway. Allison really loosens up and commits to it, as does Teyona, who loses her weave. So she grabs that hair and swings it around her head. What else can you do? Teyona earns extra points for energy and weave-lassoing. The crowd loves it.

Judging II. Both girls receive compliments on their walks, with the judges focusing more on the surprising performance Allison delivered. It must have been nice for her to hear that the judges expected her to fall on her face. A run-through of past photo shoots and you’re beautiful and you’re beautiful and what a pretty picture – who cares, the deliberation counts!

Deliberation. Actually it doesn’t, because it’s just more compliments. Teyona outwalked Allison, but Allison had more spirit; however, Teyona turned it on during the crawl segment. Ms. J loves Allison, but thinks Teyona wants it more. Paulina thinks that Allison had the biggest transformation, and Nigel thinks that Teyona deserves to be in this spot. And so, America’s Next Top Model is…

Teyona! Admit it, you saw this one coming in the first or second week, didn’t you? Allison seems genuinely happy for Teyona, who is overcome with emotion. Tyra congratulates Allison on her transformation, and Allison interviews that she’s proud of herself. Teyona talks about her own personal journey from New Jersey tomboy to America’s Next Top Model, and I’m already falling asleep.

Then Tyra gives a final voiceover about how she spotted Teyona’s unusual, photogenic beauty, “wind in the face” look and all that potential. Because in these final moments, we should remember that this show isn’t about the models, it’s about Tyra.

And with that, I hope you all managed to stay awake. Thanks for sleeping through this one with me and good riddance to Cycle 12. Bring on the next batch of crazy bitches!

Season 12, Episode 13: America’s Next Top Model Is… (originally aired May 13, 2009)

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Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Evan Giordanella, James Wade