American Idol: Every Underdog Has His Day

Ryan warns us in advance that tomorrow’s show may go a little long. Thanks for the tip!  After investing four months in this race, the last thing anyone wants to hear is “and the winner of American Idol, Season 8 is…” and have their DVR recording end.

Kris won the coin toss, so he’ll be going last tonight. They’ll each perform a “Greatest Hit” from the season, then a song chosen by creator Simon Fuller, and then the Idol coronation song.

Filed under the “That Makes So Much Sense” category: Adam’s parents tell us that he wouldn’t sleep through the night and was a habitual screamer. (Cue montage of Adam’s screams throughout the season). “I was very talkative, very hyperactive. I was bouncing off the walls all the time,” Adam says, then pauses. “Not much different than I am now, really.” That was pretty adorable.

For his chosen encore performance Adam is singing “Mad World”. It’s a perfect choice that showcases his ability to pour his heart out on the stage. Not only that, but some people didn’t even get to see this performance originally since the show went over its allotted time. (Which means they also missed Simon’s oh-so-rare standing ovation.) Agh! Who’s the creeper in the long dark coat? Oh, it’s just Adam. Other than that ensemble, the performance doesn’t disappoint. Goodness gracious, that boy is mesmerizing when he sings!

Randy loves that he’s singing something he sang during the season. Um, you know that was a requirement, right dawg? And he likes the coat. Strike 2, Jackson. Your dapper outfit only gets you so far with me.

“You look beautiful!” he says to Paula, genuine and friendly. Somehow the comment doesn’t sound like he’s sucking up, more like he’s complimenting a gal pal he bumped into at prom. She returns a handsome compliment and Simon leans forward like he’s about to smirk, “But did you like the song?” but wisely thinks better of it. Paula contrasts this more theatrical version with the initial subdued version and likes both.

Simon’s with me on the coat and calls it “Phantom of the Opera.”  “No! Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!” Randy chants. Shut up, Jackson. “It’s dress up, Simon!” Adam says, grinning like a little kid.

Kris didn’t like to sing for people when he was a kid, which doesn’t surprise me too
much. But in the cutest gesture, he gave his mom “Music Coupons” a few years ago
that she could present for a guaranteed song. “It was the best gift ever!” she enthuses.  Aww

He selects “Ain’t No Sunshine” for his encore. So good. And once again I love that he’s playing the piano himself. Allowing instruments was definitely one of the best innovations to come to Idol. This makes me want to see him tackle other Bill Withers material, like “Use Me.”

Randy makes some not quite fully formed analogy to the Lakers, and Kara notes that he makes his audience all feel like he’s singing to them, which is very difficult to do. True.

We pause this American Idol broadcast to bring you the word of the day, courtesy of Paula Abdul: Allenize (v.) (all/en/ize) to put a unique spin on a song, esp. when done by Kris Allen.

Simon acknowledges he wasn’t sure last week that America made the right choice, but that he takes it all back after that performance. Kris bows his head in amazement and Simon calls the round for Kris. I think it was very close, perhaps too close to call, but what do I know?

Next up are Simon Fuller’s picks. Adam Lambert knocks the Nokia’s collective socks off with Sam Cooke’s “A Change Is Gonna Come”. I’m in awe of the performance. Also, he looks stunning, a word I’m not sure I’ve ever used to describe a man.  His silvery-gray suit shines in the spotlight and his teal tie adds just a punch of color. Anyway, “A Change Is Gonna Come” honors both sides of Adam’s persona- tender and sentimental, but with room for powerful crescendos. In that moment when he says “It’s been a long time coming…” the words truly show on his face. While watching a second time and writing this recap, I actually pulled out my phone and dialed again, so moved was I by the awesomeness of the
performance- and I’m a Kris supporter! The judges definitely feel the same way, even more so.

Paula says it”s “the best I”ve heard you sing, EVER EVER EVER!” Okay, I”m not sure I’d go that far. Simon says that he’s “100% back in the game after that”. I don’t really think Adam was ever out of the game.

Fuller must be a fan of that sweet soul music, because Kris’ assignment is “What’s Goin’ On?” by Marvin Gaye. He performs on the guitar with a small jam band center stage. It totally fits him. (Incidentally, I like that he’s represented both instruments he plays so far tonight). The judges dismiss Kris’ performance as too light, but I think they’re forgetting that it’s Kris’ style. I would have been disappointed if he’d performed with a full orchestra. Still, I think Adam outshone him (and that’s not even taking that shimmery suit into consideration ). Though we all need to be careful with that comparison tonight because glam and acoustic rock (as Ryan billed them at the start of tonight’s show) are so inherently different. By definition, glam rock is going to be more powerful and showy. We’re comparing apples to pineapples here; they’re both terrific, but in such different ways.

For once I really think Kara’s critique is accurate: “What I love about you is that
you’ve been true to yourself from day one. You have never tried to play to the
competition.” I definitely admire that about him, too. Paula thinks he made Marvin Gaye proud. Simon likens the performance to three guys strumming along in
their bedroom to Marvin Gaye.

Now it’s time for Silly Songs with Kara, the part of the show where Kara writes a silly song.

Adam and Kris will both perform “No Boundaries,” co-written by Kara DioGuardi.

I totally dig when Adam emotes, but during a few of those notes he looked too strained-like he was actually in pain. It could have been an awesome performance if he’d just toned it down a couple notches, I think. Randy found it “just a’ight” and “pitchy in spots,” but also said that he could “sing the phone book.” Wow. He managed to work all those into the same critique. I hope he did that on purpose and that he’s in on the joke his vocab has become, but I doubt it. Simon says he believes “with all his heart” that they’ve found an international star. Whoa, hold the phonebook Randy Jackson! Did Simon just use the word heart?! Over the past decade, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard him reference his heart. I’m not kidding. Those words seemed so much more likely to come out of Paula’s mouth.

Uh-oh. I might call that Kris’ worst performance of the season. Don’t get me wrong- it still beats the “best” performances of many (Jasmine and Jorge, I’m looking at you). It just didn’t seem like a good fit for his voice, to me. Kara and Randy even think it was in the wrong key/too high. Somebody should have figured that out before performance night. Randy seems to think the song was a better fit for Kris than Adam, but I don’t agree. These American Idol power ballads are designed for voices like Adam’s. It might have really suited Kris if he’d been able to do a version with less accompaniment. Why can’t the guys play to their strengths tonight, instead of trying to fit a mold?

Kara doesn’t want him to be judged on that song, but rather on the incredible season he’s had. Simon thinks his highlight was still the first song and remembers his first audition. (I wish I could remember it- thanks for nothing, producers!) “Your mum and dad”s face tells me everything. They’re very proud of you and so they should be,” Cowell concludes.

It was an enjoyable show, but I totally would have reversed the program. Get the
coronation song out of the way early and have them end with their season’s best encore.

I’ve never had as much affection for both contestants as I do tonight, nor have I ever had a stronger feeling that they are equally deserving. I think and hope they will both be very successful after this is all over. They’re both such nice guys, too! The show closes with Carrie Underwood singing “Home Sweet Home” live. These montages always give me goosebumps…

Best of luck, guys! I’ll be voting!

I decided to write in live-blog style tonight. This…is American Idol!

8:02 Those are some white suits!

8:03 Kimberly Locke looks gorgeous.

8:04 Record setting 620 million votes for the season. Ryan gives props to the judges who have so wisely guided us. Um…yeah. Ryan turns first to “the man who’s here for you for me for you.” Hilarious montage of The Dawg ensues.

8:05 Similar treatment for the other judges.

8:08 Mikayla Gordon is on the scene in Conway, AR. Her young interviewee is speechless.

8:09 Carly Smithson! I didn’t expect her.  Product of a San Diego audition herself, she’s hanging out with Adam’s crowd.

8:10 All 13 contestants are back onstage! “So What?” If Anoop’s Twitter is any indication, they put in a lot of work on this choreography! A little cacophonous in parts, but that’s pretty much unavoidable when there are thirteen voices singing together.

8:16 David Cook is back with his song “Permanent.” Stop interrupting his performance with your hand waving, front row. Warm hug between he and Ryan. “Good to be, home,” he says. Aww. He only mentions his brother’s death when prompted by Ryan. Downloads of the song on iTunes will go toward cancer research via ABC2 . He also says he doesn’t think America could get it wrong which I totally agree with. Between these two guys, there’s no wrong choice.

8:21 Golden Idol Awards Time! “Outstanding Male” is the category and we’re treated to some of the stranger male voices of the season. Norman Gentle is the Heath Ledger of this field…Those other guys don’t stand a chance.

8:25 His speech is perfect…He walks up in Nick Mitchell mode, offers genuine thanks, then says:  “I wish I’d prepared something…Hit it!” and launches into, of course, “And I’m Telling You” Afterward, we find Ryan has borrowed the headband and glasses. LOL

8:27 Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah duet. They both look gorgeous, too. I want a top like Lil’s. Very slimming.

8:35 It’s Anoop, Alexis, and Jason Mraz singing “I’m Yours.” Now everyone is joining in! I think this is my favorite group number so far.

8:37 Kris Allen fans in the house… and now his journey. He’s dreamed of playing in big venues. Well, that dream is about to come true! “Opportunities are given and I feel like I’m just kinda runnin’ with this one,” Kris comments.

8:39 Kris does a song with Keith Urban, and it’s a nice song, too, even though I don’t like country. My Mom observes that Kris looked so natural and relaxed. He does. I bet it feels good knowing that this is just the victory lap for both of them, whatever happens.

8:46 All the Idol girls are singing “Glamorous.” I’m not a fan of this one. Nor do I like “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” Anybody else remember that Jasmine Murray sang that at her audition? Probably not.

8:49 BlackEyed Peas present “Boom Boom Pow.” What is with those prison-striped mummy back up dancers?

8:52 More Golden Idols, this time for “Best Attitude.” It’s between Bikini Girl, Alexis Cohen (her season 7 audition was also worth a nod) and another girl I didn’t remember very well, though her mother grooving to her bad vocal was pretty entertaining.

8:55 The winner is Bikini Girl. Hilarious. Simon mouths “Wow”. Randy does a double take. Glancing at her obviously silicone breasts, Ryan quips “I was going to ask what’s new, but I think I know.” She gets another chance to sing…plus another chance to be outperformed by Kara. My friend Paul observed Kara sang decently and looked hot. True. Much more favorable feedback than she gets for her judging.

9:02 Allison and Cyndi Lauper perform “Time After Time.” Cool! What’s that instrument she’s playing?  Cyndi devolves into some sort of spastic version of an Indian guru after a while and the jamming on the word time got a little annoying toward the end, but it’s a joy to see Allison Nancy Wilson…I mean Iraheta.

9:05 Conversations with the parents. They’re both proud of both contestants.

9:06 Danny Gokey… I- NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! WHO THE HECK LET HIM SING DAVID COOK”S SONG???? Hello. Goodbye.  He does a great medley with Lionel Richie. Why didn’t they do this and ONLY this, leaving out that unnecessary intro?

9:16 Ryan compliments Kara’s stomach that she showed off during the Bikini Girl excerpt.

9:17 Adam Lambert fans in the house! Now, his journey. In his audition he simply but surely felt he was the next American Idol, and in Hollywood promises to change up songs we’ve heard a million times. Wow, he really did do just that! Now Adam sings “Beth.” It’s not my favorite, and that winged outfit is so weird- Oh! Kiss is on! Now that crazy winged outfit makes sense! We get “Detroit Rock City” and “Rock and Roll All Nite.” Talk about feeling like a concert! Gene Simmons cues Adam gleefully.  That was fun; he fits right in

9:27 Welcome Carlos Santana! “Black Magic Woman.” I’m having Guitar Hero flashbacks.

9:29 Matt gets to sing for a few moments, then they switch to Smooth and all the Idols eventually join in.

9:30 Final Ford music video! Just the two guys singing set to old video clips from former music videos.

9:31 David Cook presents the guys with a Ford Fusion each.

9:32 Michael, Megan, and Mr. Steve Martin on banjo. LOL Crazy. I’ve never seen Steve Martin in a backing role before… “Who’s gonna win?” Ryan probes. “I know it’s a long shot, but I’m hoping I do.” says Steve Martin.

9:40 All the guy Idols sing “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy.” Hmm. Well, some of you yes, some of you no. Although they all look very snappy in their tuxes. And here’s Rod Stewart! He looks and sounds a little old while singing “Maggie May.”

9:46 Outstanding Female Idol. All these other girls are no competition for…Tatiana Nicole del Toro. She performs her signature “Saving All My Love For You” to mock protest from Ryan and security. LOL

9:54 “We Are The Champions!” Perfect duet for these guys, though during the times when they sing together I can’t really hear Kris. He did the tender part nicely, though. I bet these guys are having a blast performing with Queen. Brian May looks genuinely pleased.

10:01 “You should both be very proud of what you achieved last night. The future’s all yours,” Simon says like a tough professor seeing his kids graduate.

10:02 A new world record was set with almost 100 milliion votes cast.

HOLY CATS! KRIS ALLEN!!! WHOA! Adam’s hug is genuine. I feel truly sorry him. He surely would have done better with less judge/producer hype. But I think Kris needed the title more. I’m also finding a great deal of satisfaction in Kris thwarting the producers and all their preconceived notions. Ultimately, the idol is America’s to choose, and Kris worked hard for every phone call he got. I hope his example reminds everyone what this show is all about. Our final image is a precious hug between Kris and his wife. I can’t wait to see what both these guys do in their careers!

Season 8, Episodes 38 & 39: Top 2: Performances & Top 2: Results (originally aired May 19 and 20, 2009)

For more on the American Idol season finale, read It’s A Kris by Inisia Lewis here.

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company.

American Idol: It’s A Kris!

And we’re down to the final performances. It’s a head-to-head battle between two guys who clearly have already won the hearts of America. (I know one of them has won mine.) Though Kris is clearly the underdog, it’s a close race, and I think it will definitely come down to tonight’s three performances.

DING DING! ROUND 1

Adam attacks  “Mad World.” There a crazy outfit and some crazy fog, and it’s a little over the top for me. I mean, come on. You are not a star yet, but I will say this has been and still is one of my favorite Adam performances. He chooses to reign it in this time, which I really appreciate. His intense stare still creeps me out. And the judges think it rocked.

Kris kicks off his night with “Ain’t No Sunshine,” and I’m totally scared. At first, I don’t think it’s his strongest choice, but hearing the song again with some new embellishments reminds me that he did kill it the first time, and he’s even more soulful this time around. He is also playing the piano which is his second instrument after the guitar, and I’m reminded again of how talented this young kid truly is. All the judges love this one too, and Simon even declares Round 1 to Kris.

DING DING! ROUND 2

Wow! Okay wow. And that’s not a good thing. The judges adored this performance of Adam’s “A Change Is Gonna Come,” but I believe he utterly butchered the song. He looks great in a suit, but for me  it was just too much. The song is so beautiful and simple and soulful, and I feel like he just ripped all that right out of it. Yeah, who can hit a high note like the last note of the song that he pulled off, but it is NOT about nailing one note every time. Oye! Is anyone listening to what I’m listening to.

Next up is Kris with ‘What’s Going On?” This is another soulful song, and with Kris on the guitar and an acoustic backup with some bongos, it sounds beautiful and so does he. But I have to agree with the judges that it just wasn’t as powerful as a finale performance should be. And I think acoustic up until this point is perfect, but really having the power of the band behind you helps in making a stamp on the audience’s memories..

DING DING! ROUND 3

I’m still so confused as to why they don’t just let them pick one more cover song instead of forcing them to sing the most horrendous song ever made! This season’s song is “No Boundaries,” written by Kara. This is a plug to Kara and probably something she wanted in her contract before she signed. It’s also a song they don’t have to pay royalties on when they sell it on iTunes, and they can probably charge more since it’s not a cover, so they make more money. But it’s embarrassing for these contestants, especially this season. I feel bad for them!

The song is clearly made for a girl with all it’s talk of mountains and believing. Adam attempted to rock it up but that only made the song sound worse. And it just wasn’t made for his voice. The judges definitely didn’t like it either. It was pitchy for Randy. Simon tried not to diss the song, but try is the key word, but he did still pump Adam up and say they’ve found a star. I think they found someone who can easily step in for a rock band who’s lead singer has left or died, but he will not make anything current or popular or anything that can be played on the radio.

Kris wasn’t much better, but he was better. The song was not made for his vocal range, but at least I can visualize tweens jamming out to this on the radio. The judges don’t fawn over him like they do over Adam, basically telling him he deserves to be there but not saying they’ve found a star, but it’s been this lopsided fairness the whole season.

I think Kris is definitely still in this thing, especially being the one to close it out and make that horrid song sound better that Adam’s heinous version. And I think if he does win, yet again, it’ll be a smack to the judges faces. That’s why it’s called American Idol because no matter how clearly you favor one person the ENTIRE season, WE pick the winner. And you all know who it’d be if I had my way, but we’ll all just have to wait and see.

THE FINALE

I was spoiled. No, seriously. I was in the car, driving home and listening to the radio when a jockey broke the news. Oh, it was great news, but it took me awhile to get over the sheer shock of not getting a spoiler alert before they totally drop the bomb on me.

So I won’t tiptoe around it because unless you live under a rock, you know who won too. KRIS! YAY! KRIS WON! And he clearly looked shocked as all hell. So let’s get to the lead up to this oh-so-awesome result, and there was A LOT of it.

What did we learn in the opening bits? Randy says “for you, for me” a lot. Kara likes to call people honey and sweetie. Paula uses lots of words that require a translator, and Simon can’t understand what people say half the time.

I don’t remember seeing all this white since American Idol’s “Idol Give Back.” Our top twelve came back to butcher Pink’s “So What.” (Hey. Don’t shoot the messenger. Pink said it herself! And she just happened to be SO right.) Next, David Cook returns to sing his new song “Permanent.” He’s still just as scruffy and yummy as I remember. He’s definitely turned out songs that are much less rocky than I expected, but I guess he was never a Chris Daughtry kind of rocker, more Nickelback, if you know what I mean. (The kind of rocker that would have strings in his songs every now and then.)

And then it’s time for The Golden Idol Awards. This one is Outstanding Male Performance. I don’t know why they haven’t gotten rid of this bit. We get enough of it during the auditions. I don’t need to rehash it again. (I will say I do still love me some Norman Gentle. I totally bought it when he said he didn’t have anything prepared. Oh, Idol!)

Queen Latifah and Lil sing a duet, and I’m a little baffled as to where this song “Cue the Rain” came from. I like how Queen Latifah didn’t try to upstage Lil. She let her have her time to shine. So classy.

Anoop and Alexis sing Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours,” and I wonder why aren’t they singing with the man himself. (Oh, wait! I spoke to soon. Everyone gets to sing with the Mraz!)

Kris  and Keith Urban do a duet to “I Wanna Kiss a Girl.” They both jam out with their cute faces, sweet voice and guitars. And Kris could seriously do country if he wanted, but I’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth that he wants to do pop music.

It’s contemporary night because the girls sing Fergie’s “Glamorous,” and the Fergie comes out singing an even older song in “Big Girl’s Don’t Cry.” Maybe she boohooed her way to a solo because it’s just a segue into the actually NOW popular song “Boom Boom Pow” by the Black Eyed Peas featuring Fergie. (They never put on a boring performance that’s for sure.)

And then it’s time for another Golden Idol. And just like the Norman Gentle set up, I know, out of everyone, Bikini Girl will be the winner of the Best Attitude. And surprise! She comes out in a bikini and looking much tanner. She gets the opportunity to butcher my all-time favorite “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey. I’m not surprised when Kara comes out to battle with her. Kara actually kills it, and I’m impressed, but I heard a snippet of it on the radio. So again, let me reiterate. I’m not surprised. (Can you tell I’m bitter?) The whole ripping open her dress to reveal herself wearing a tiny bikini two wasn’t so surprising either and was kind of a let down because the radio made it seem like she opened it for more than .05 seconds.

Cyndi Lauper and Allison get to do a stripped duet, and I’m a little jealous. “Time After Time,” reminds me of middle school. And then “Hello” comes out of no where! Is that Danny Gokey sitting on the steps? Lionel Ritchie you say?! Oh, wait why aren’t they singing “Hello” anymore? I don’t know this horrible, reggae inspired tune “Just Go.”  But I’m okay with the reggae, I guess, since they stopped singing this random song and quickly segue into “All Night Long.”

Every time they talk about Adam from San Diego tonight, I’m confused as to how the producers messed up so badly the prior night that they said he was from San Francisco. Having lived in California, I bet his hometown homies took much offense.

Adam rocks it out with KISS, and kills it to “Beth,” “Detroit Rock City,” and “Rock & Roll All Night.” I see why people enjoy him. When he’s doing the kind of music that he’s suited for, he actually performs well.

The next star to grace the stage is the fabulous Santana. It kicks of with Matt and “Black Magic Woman.” When he throws it over to “Smooth,” all I want to hear is him playing by himself or Rob Thomas because this whole group thing is killing me. I kind of understand, more is better, and it gives everyone a taste for the tour, but it kind of makes me never want to see an AI tour.

The best thing about the next segment is that it’s the last one! The last Ford video that is, for this season anyway. We can’t be so lucky, but with all that advert dollars Ford has put into this and probably made off of it, they’ve decided to give Kris and Adam new cars, and last years winner David got to give it to them.

Next in line is Steve Martin who plays the banjo! Who knew?! Michael Sarver and Megan Joy got to perform with him and band in tow. I could let this one go, probably because they’re two of my least favorite of the top 12.

The boys perform “If You Want My Body” by Rod Stewart, probably one of the most out of place performances. What is it that made the producers think that this song versus a contemporary song would be better? Oh, wait! Rod Stewart is there singing “Maggie May.” No wonder. Did anyone else see Rod Stewart stumble when he walked up to the mic? Because I was afraid. He’s no young buck anymore. He could have died!

The next Golden Idol for Outstanding Female Performance is basically set up to go to Tatiana del Toro. At first I think it’s a joke that Ryan says he can’t give her the award because they have to go to break, but he’s serious. I notice this when she starts singing and walks over to the band as if to coax them, and they don’t start playing at all. But she keeps singing of course until the commercial break.
But they’ve definitely saved the best for last because our final two get to sing “We Are The Champions” with Queen and a huge choir, and it is true now isn’t it? At least, one of them will be soon.

So that was our night. Simon says he doesn’t usually do this, but he thought they were both brilliant and usually nice people. It’s a nice way to close out the night and the season. Thanks for tuning in with me!

Season 8, Episodes 38 & 39: Top 2: Performances & Top 2: Results (originally aired May 19 and 20, 2009)

For more on the season finale of American Idol, read Every Underdog Has His Day by Amanda Walker here.

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company.

So You Think You Can Dance: Brooklyn and Denver Auditions

If this season’s American Idol was any indication of how great the contestants will be on this year’s talent reality shows, well then, this is going to be the best fifth season of So You Think You Can Dance yet! It’s time for auditions but we’ll focus on the good and those we’ll actually get to see again.

The first stop consisted of seeing the Brooklyn auditioners. Seeing as Brooklyn is the home of the BBoys, I was hoping to see a crazy amount of awesome hip hoppers and breakers, but ’twas not so. Tabitha and Napoleon were the guest judges, and every time I see them my heart goes thump, thump. They’re married and love dancing and love making dances together. HOW SWEET!

Here’s the run down of those you should look out for and those you should be happy you never have to see again.

ASKED BACK

Gabi Rojas was raised in the circus. Her body is deteriorating because of rheumatoid arthritis, but you’d never know by the beautiful performance she put on. Already the first person predicted to be in the Top 20.

Peter Sabasino is the first tapper to be put through to Vegas, and straight away at that. It’s always hard to judge tapping because I know it’s difficult and love the rhythm of it, but it’s so focused on one small area of the body that I don’t know enough to say what’s great or just good. But the judges thought he was fantastic.

Nobuya Nagahama did some pop n’ locking. He was the first REAL hip hopper we got to see, and I was underwhelmed but the judges like him enough to check out his choreography. It was smooth sailing to Vegas after that.

Arielle Taylor and Kellen Stancil both did some great contemporary dancing. Arielle tried out in Season three but didn’t make it because she was so young and just not mentally ready. She came back mature and readier than ever. Kellen danced with an umbrella and was inspired by the memory of his late aunt. Both go straight to Vegas.

Chimezie Nwosu did some hip hopping and flipping. He’s the kind of guy who’s athletic enough to do some cool stuff if it’s given to him but clearly doesn’t have the knack for choreography himself. The judges see the potential however so it’s off to Vegas for his.

SENT HOME

Tiffany Geigel was this year’s first inspirational audition. She was born with spondaic thoracic dysplasia which means she has less spinal vertebrae than we do so everything in her upper body is smushed together. You could tell she loved to dance, and she had talent, but her disability definitely didn’t allow her to do some of the things needed to be a great dancer. The best thing about her was her spirit and how she showed everyone that no matter what, if you love something you can do it if you only try.

THE REALLY STRANGE

I’ve seen “joint-tortionism” on America’s Best Dance Crew, but never done like this. Saalim “Storyboard” Muslim and Habby “Hobgoblin” Jacques are Mutation. And when they rub some “schmean” on their faces, (basically some green paint) they turn into something truly scary. The idea is cool, but bone breaking isn’t really dancing. Like the judges said, they’d be great for movies, but not for the show which is probably why they left before learning the choreography.

Of all the Brooklyn dancers, 41 were sent through to the next round. That’s A LOT in my opinion.

In Denver, we’re joined by last season’s new judge Sonya. She doesn’t look as crazy as she did last season with her mohawk. Maybe the hawk is just toned down today.

ASKED BACK

Hopefully you’ll remember Natalie Reid because I sure as hell do. She lost out to her bestie who came thiiis close to winning last season. I would say, at the time, they definitely picked the better of the two, but Natalie’s had a chance to improve and comes back even better. Off to Vegas you go.

Brandon Bryant was in the same boat as Nat. He lost out to Gev who did extremely well last year also. Technically he was already great, it was more about not having the personality like Gev did. He proved once more that he should be in the competition, but Nigel begs him to bring some personality to Vegas.

Kayla Radomski lives with her grandparents who are so cute. They totally love her and her dancing, and it makes me want to cry. And the judges love her too, especially Sonja who seems to love EVERYONE who’s remotely good.

SENT HOME

Elias Holloway auditioned with his 16-year-old brother. He’s a swimmer, but in the last few years, they’ve picked up some pop n’ locking. I wouldn’t say he was AMAZING, but he has a cute personality and definitely enough talent to go to the choreography round. He was sent home when he couldn’t pick it up fast enough but asked to practice and come back next year.

THE REALLY STRANGE

Allison Moist danced with conviction but also channeled a lion for her performance. She looked more like a cat to me. You know, when you’re 10 and paint a black nose and black whiskers on your face. Oh, and there was a light saber.

Misha Belfer and Mitchel Kibel. One is gay and the other is straight, which I think makes the dance even WEIRDER. Nigel has gotten a lot of flack for some of the comments the judges made about these two male partners. I could understand if they both were gay, and had that sexy thing going on for their partner and one chose to act the typically male role and the other the “typically” female but they switched roles which just made me more confused. I didn’t care that they were two men, but not only did they mess up royally, but the whole switching back and forth was off.

Of all the Denver dancers, 19 were sent through which is more like the number I was looking for in Brooklyn, but I guess if there’s such a huge discrepancy that tells you the difference in the amount of dance talent in those cities. We do have some of the greatest dance schools in the country if not the world here in NYC.

Can’t wait for the next So You Think You Can Dance auditions in Memphis and Miami next week.

Season 5, Episode 1: New York and Denver Auditions (originally aired May 21, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out What did the umbrella represent to you? by Robin Reed.

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

So You Think You Can Dance: What did the umbrella represent to you?

So You Think You Can Dance kicked off its fifth season this week, and I had managed not to see a single episode before that. I was a SYTYCD virgin, if you will. Fortunately, shows like this are much like the copy of Home Buying for Dummies that I’ve been poring over for the past two weeks: they’re extremely easy for total novices to follow, they’re loaded up with so-so jokes that the writers think are very funny indeed, and they’re firmly grounded in a circa-2001-ish view of the world. Oh, and they’re also still vaguely enjoyable to consume. Plus, the book offers up lots of useful tips about mortgage financing, and SYTYCD offers useful instruction on how easy it is to validate and/or crush someone’s dreams. I’m sure both will come in handy down the road.

So, I should disclaim here that I know nothing, at all, about dancing. My notes from watching this episode say things like “She twirled around a lot while wearing a horrible tunic-unitard-thing.” I also learned during these two hours that although I used to think I liked watching dancing, because I love stuff like Glee and High School Musical and that one episode of Buffy, what I actually like is watching groups of people doing choreographed dancing. People dancing by themselves, as it turns out, is just kind of creepy. In this episode of SYTYCD, even when the auditioners were good (and I couldn’t usually tell whether they were good or not until the judges explained it), to me it just looked like they were writhing around possessed by demons or whatever.

Anyway, I think I will like the show more when it’s down to the top 20, aka the people who have already been acknowledged as being good. Also when I don’t have to watch stuffy British guys with awful hair act like they’ve never heard of gay people before. Oh, but wait, that dude’s sticking around, right? Terrific.

So, this week we’re watching auditions in New York (which took place in Brooklyn, and the show’s producers would like us to think that makes them very hip) and Denver (where, apparently, almost everyone is white). Successful auditioners will proceed on to the next round in Vegas, although some of them are first required to take part in another round first where they have to learn and perform a choreographed routine, of which we at home will see about 6 seconds. Unsuccessful auditioners will go off and do whatever you do when you’ve placed your entire sense of self-worth in something and been mocked for it by that guy with the hair. (Which in most cases, it seems, involves coming back to audition again the following season.)

As on the mothership, we only get to see much of a handful of auditioners:

• Gabi, some chick with rheumatoid arthritis who does with the twirling around. Nigel says she’s one of the best auditions he’s seen in five years, and she’s going to Vegas.
• Two contortionist guys who call themselves “The Mutation” and get way more screen time than they deserve. “We bringing some change to the dance world,” the guys say. “Obama wanted change, so we bringin’ change. Why not start with the dance world?” Yes, by all means, blame Obama. The guys perform, and the judges would like us to think they’re afraid of them, and that their performance is funny. The judges are convincing on neither front. They put them through to the choreography round, but the guys give up without bothering to learn the routine.
• “Crazy Kate,” who the judges laugh at openly. They tell her she’s awful, but she gets to go home and run a Lego competition, which sounds way more fun to me than auditioning for SYTYCD.
• Peter, a tap-dancing chipster who thinks Rocky jokes are still hilarious. The SYTYCD producers found Peter so compelling they sent cameras to film his family at home in Philadelphia eating some yummy-looking pasta (because he’s Italian, duh). I don’t know, is it normal for guys to tap dance while wearing wife beaters and really long basketball shorts? Anyway, the judges say he’s great and send him to Vegas.
• Tiffany, who has a disability and wears a lot of makeup, and who does the kind of dancing that I do think is pretty even when done by only one person, because it involves a lot of spinning and wearing of flowy skirts, like figure skating. Nigel promises Tiffany he will critique the “dancing side of it” first, as though he’s supposed to be critiquing anything else. Then he compliments her bravery, which, well, he was nice about it, but this is giving off awfully strong Paula/Scott MacIntyre vibes, here. And then the whole place, led by Nigel, gives Tiffany a standing ovation. But then the judges dismiss her, saying she’s not “right for this competition,” without bothering to explain why. But at least they get to make themselves feel better about it by gushing on about how amazing and inspiring she is. This was first of the episode’s two major low points for me.
• Maksim, who does a partner dance with a woman who was on the show before. It’s cool because they’re both good and they’re doing one of those elaborate dances with lots of precise steps. (Look, I said I didn’t know anything about dance.) They put him through to the choreography, and then on to Vegas.
• Nobuya, from Tokyo, is a “Locker” with imperfect English (which is still way better than my Japanese). Apparently all the best “lockers” come from Japan. He does a bunch of stuff that was maybe supposed to be funny? I don’t know, the judges said he was good. Anyway, he does the choreography and gets his ticket to Vegas.

After all that, they’ve advanced 27 contestants on the first day of New York auditions. Wait, there’s a second day? What? Oh my lord, how long are these auditions going to take? Oh well, at least it’s not Don’t Forget the Lyrics.

On the second day, we see:

• A returning auditioner, Arielle, who does the same jumping-around thing a lot of the women do and is very sweet and pretty and “following her dream.” They put her through straight to Vegas.
• Thomas, a former six-time national men’s baton twirling champion, and his partner, Amanda, who perform a bolero.  (I know it was called that because they said it like five hundred times.) The judges laugh and laugh and dismiss them but I don’t know, it looks impressive to me. And, you know, I was expecting these auditions to be like American Idol, where the bad auditioners just sort of mumble with their eyes closed because they know if they look stupid enough they’ll get to be on TV, but that’s not what’s happening here. These people really can do impressive things with their bodies. And whereas I can put up with Simon mocking people who want to be mocked anyway, what I’ve seen of Nigel is not sufficient to convince me he can get away with this. Especially since these people, except for maybe the Mutants, really genuinely are trying, here.
• Nina and Igor, a pair of teenage Latin dancers, who finish their routine with this epic spinning thing that majorly freaked me out. Mary calls it a “pot stir.” They call them back to do the choreography, and Igor makes it, but Nina doesn’t. Far be it for me to act like I know anything about this stuff, but Nina’s the one who did that amazing pot stir. But, I am happy to have a guy on the show named Igor.
• Kellen, a guy who dances around with an umbrella in memory of his aunt who passed away. He cries when Mary asks him about it, and everyone applauds, and it has a very Tiffanyesque feel to it, and I was sure they were just being nice to him and weren’t going to advance him, but then they did.
• A Jersey guy named Chimezie who does some theatrical spinning around and crossing of his eyes and gymnastics and whatnot, which the judges tell me is hip-hop. What is up with the people on this show doing cartwheels and other random acrobatic moves while dancing? They don’t do that in High School Musical. Anyway, they put Chimezie through to choreography, and he makes it on to Vegas.

The second half of the episode takes place in Denver, where they are saddled with a guest judge named Sonya who thinks everyone is amazing and makes a huge deal about it every single time. (Also in Denver, Mary, the judge who isn’t Nigel but who is just as grating, is dressed up like a cast member of Oklahoma! or something. She has a brown fringed leather vest over a brown plaid blouse buttoned up to her chin. Maybe she thought since all the auditioners were dressing like lunatics she had to wear a costume too?)

Among the auditioners we see in Denver in between the judges’ shenanigans are:

• 18-year-old Kayla, whose young-looking grandparents sacrificed for her dance habit and apparently also forced her to get a bad dye job and wear way too much makeup. Kayla is “correct and beautiful and interesting,” according to Sonya. They put her through straight to Vegas.
• Two guys who get their very own intro – they’re the Denver version of The Mutation, apparently – because of both being guys. First, we see them hanging out in the convention center wearing awful costumes as the opening cords to “It’s Raining Men” play and the camera zooms in on the Men’s bathroom sign, in case we didn’t notice. The guys, named Misha and Mitchel, do same-sex ballroom dancing. Misha is gay and Mitchel is straight. The guys dance the samba well, according to Nigel, except for a huge fall at the end of the performance, but the fall isn’t what the judges choose to dwell on, because it’s beside the point, really. Nigel raises a poorly groomed eyebrow and compares them to Blades of Glory and says they will “alienate a lot of our audience,” adding, “I’m certainly one of those people that really like to see guys be guys and girls be girls.” I’m sure you are. Then Nigel sends them to choreography because he wants to see them dance with girls, because “Who knows, maybe you’ll like it!” Yes, thank you, Nigel, you’ve discovered the cure for homosexualdancity. Somebody give this man a Nobel. Look, I don’t know if you guys got the memo, but we live in a post-sexuality reality show world now, all right? You don’t get to use your homophobia as a judging criterion. The judges’ problem seems to be not with the guys themselves but with the concept of same-sex ballroom dancing, and, uh, it’s not like Misha and Mitchel invented it. Even I, who know nothing about dance, knew there was such a thing as same-sex ballroom dancing. Anyway, Misha and Mitchel don’t make it past the choreography round. A-plus for effort, though, as Paula would say. (Uh, except for the part where they fell down.)
• A young girl named Allison, who does a dance to the Star Wars theme with light sabers and kitty makeup. Mary calls it “prancing around” and Nigel says she “comes from a different planet.” Allison is dismissed, and she cries. Not sure what was going on there, or why Fox chose to show it to me.
• 18-year-old Elias, who does a hip-hop routine with his little brother, which includes Elias doing a really disgusting thing with his stomach. Nigel calls it “extremely entertaining.” Uh, sure. Mary calls it “the cutest thing I’ve seen in all five years.” They put him through to choreography, but he doesn’t make it to Vegas. I think Mary just wanted to make out with him.
• Natalie, another previous auditioner, dances around in a terrible tunic and bare feet. Sonya got chills (they’re multiplyin’!). Apparently Natalie only just barely didn’t make it through last year, and everyone loves her, so she gets a ticket straight to Vegas.
• Brandon, also a previous auditioner and one of the exceptions to the everyone’s-white-in-Denver rule, wears Daisy Dukes and does the kind of dance I can tell right away is amazing. He reminds me of an actor, and I’m tempted to say it’s Sean Patrick Thomas but that’s probably just because this whole show has me thinking about Save the Last Dance (and speaking of which that new Wayans Brothers movie looks awful, not to mention irrelevant since STLD was like 10 years ago). Brandon makes Mary cry because she could never dance like him. Neither could I, but I’m not crying about it. But that’s why I’m not judging SYTYCD. Anyway, Brandon’s going to Vegas.

Throughout it all, the judges keep talking about how much fun it is to watch everyone, and I guess I can see how if you were in the room watching this stuff it might indeed be fun. Watching it sitting at home I mostly just felt bad for everyone. Even the people who made it through. It just looks like so much effort, and for such a small chance of payoff. But hey, they’re following their dreams.

So, anyway, provided no one gives Nigel any future opportunities to discuss his feelings about other people’s sexual orientations, I think this season will be okay. Next week, it’s Miami and Memphis, both of which I assume will have nonwhite people in them. Hooray!

Season 5, Episode 1: New York and Denver Auditions (originally aired May 21, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

The Fashion Show: Trick Up Your Sleeve

I am surprised we are here at the third week.  It’s only Isaac Mizrahi and Merlin that keep me watching this garbage.

As we open, Merlin is wearing a pink yak-skin, and Reco is dissing his teammates.

Harper’s Bazaar Mini Challenge.  Ugh, Laura Brown returns.  The mini challenge requires each team to complete four sewing repairs on an outfit.  I wish that we got to learn more about how to make repairs in this segment.  I got so many clothes with a ripped seam, a loose hem, or a loose button.  I sometimes try to cover it up with a sweater vest or something similar.  Do not judge.  Anyway, Merlin’s team (because he is the only one I care about) is the winner.  Lidia is the actual winner because she did the bomb job on her shoulder pads.

Isaac tells each of the teams to gather together and sing the Lord’s blessings . . .  and pick new team captains.

The elimination challenge for this week is that each team will design outwear for all seasons.  Each coat must have some sort of special surprise or special function.  Anna says that she doesn’t want to make an Inspector Gadget coat.  A smile manages to crawl across my face.

Side note:  Have you guys seen the new Prius commercials?  With the dancing people creating the landscaping?  They are so incredibly awesome.

There are two variations of the same theme for this episode.  The theme is CONFLICT.  The two variations are: (1) Reco and his entire team, and (2) Daniella and Andrew.  That means either Reco, Daniella, or Andrew is going home tonight.

Isaac and Kelly come through and give their critiques.  I continue to hate this format.  It seems to me that these “surprises coats” should be surprises to the judges when they activate their “surprises.”  Now the cats are all out of the bags.  That’s why Tim Gunn isn’t a judge on Project Runway.   It just makes sense.  I don’t understand this show.

There is so much wasted time in this episode.  People just being catty and complaining how everyone else is being catty.  Reco wins the prize for being the cattiest.

Ooooooh, Norma Kamali is the guest judge.  That’s kind of exciting.  In the backstage melee to get ready, Angel’s model’s zipper breaks, but there is not time to repair it.  The stage hand snaps at her that it’s gonna be “as is.”

Fashion Show Time, and Daniella’s team is first.

• Keith has done the summer coat. It’s silvery with red piping and a tie around the middle. It also has a hood. I guess summers on the fashion show aren’t 90+ degrees like every single one I’ve ever experienced. Go, go, gadget coat! The bottom of the coat unsnaps and becomes a towel for sunbathing. Dumb.

• Andrew has done the spring coat. It looks like a Hershey’s Kiss with sleeves. Go, go, gadget coat! The bottom of the Hershey’s Kiss unwinds to form a proper, long rain coat. Additionally, two long pieces come out of the pockets, connect and form a hood. Hey! I’m impressed with this one! Kelly Rowland is, too. Daniella seethes.

• For the fall coat, Anna’s model comes out in a long, bomber style jacket. It appears to be a gold textured (tweed?) fabric, and it is very nice looking. The sleeves have pull-out gloves hidden in them, and there is a scarf that comes out of the collar.

• Daniella has done the winter coat. It appears that it is made out of something resembling snake skin, and there are ruffles down each of the sleeves. The surprise is that, under the ruffles, is the storage for your cell phone, ipod, etc.

The next team up is Lidia’s team.

• Angel’s model is wearing her spring coat. The surprise is that it is expandable with this zipper running around it. It converts from a funky trench into a more traditional trench. Her busted zipper is hanging off of the back, much to Kelly’s dismay.

• Lidia has done a summer coat that is completely rocking my world. It is a seafoam green in plastic with a hood, like an umbrella. She looks like a high fashion version of those lizards with the expanding necks. There’s also a trick where the jacket opens up and the lining zips up. I can’t really follow what this is, so it doesn’t look all that exciting to me.

• Merlin has done the fall coat. That has a ginormous hood. It’s all black. The hood is detachable, and it can be put into a little plastic handbag. My main girl, Merlin, has let me down cause there’s only one word I can think of to describe that: BUNK!

• James-Paul has done a winter coat that looks like a giant, puffy sleeping bag. The trick is that it turns into . . . a giant, puffy sleeping bag. His model is all dancing around the runway, too. This is the height of stupidity.

Finally, Reco’s team is up.

• Johnny (a.k.a. Roseanne) has done the spring coat. There are all of these pockets all over the back with flip flops in them. The special feature? It’s a shoe organizer when it’s hanging in the closet. BUT WHY WOULD YOU WEAR IT OUT WITH SHOES STILL IN IT? That is an invitation to a pickpocket, my friends. Shoes ain’t cheap.

• Haven has done the summer coat. It has stuff packed into the hip areas of the coat. As the model walks down the runway, she pulls out hairspray, makeup, and a mirror from the giant interior pockets. Straight up dumb.

• Markus’s fall coat is a long cream coat. The neck unties to reveal jewelry, or as Reco says, “jurry.” Isaac appears completely flummoxed. The finishing on the garment is atrocious. Norma Kamali is not having it, either.

• Last but not least is Reco. His winter coat is a ski suit. It’s white with red stripes and a hood. There’s a backpack on the back that opens up to reveal a blanket with storage for hot chocolate, etc. Everyone gets really excited about Reco’s coat . . . especially Reco.

Judging.  Isaac says that they all did a good job this week.  He says that many of them used the incorrect fabrics in their designs.  Norma Kamali, in her fake veneers, concurs.

Lidia’s team is safe.

The winning team this week is Daniella’s team.  The top two looks are Anna’s winter coat and Andrew’s spring coat.  When Andrew’s model walks out, Daniella’s eyes almost roll out of her head.   Isaac asks, “what’s up with the eye rolling?”  Daniella rats him out and says that she deserves credit.  Andrew disagrees, but Norma calls her out.  Norma tells Daniella that designers have to keep it a secret when you feel someone steals your design.  Anyway, Andrew is the winner, so go buy your transformer coat on bravotv.com.

Obviously, Reco’s team lost . . . again.  The judges tell Reco that his outfit was the judges’ favorite outfit today, but he can’t win because he is on a team of losers.  The bottom two are Markus and Haven.  Haven’s outfit was described as a hairdresser’s smock.  She admits that everyone is sewing circles around her, but Fern says that Haven is not projecting confidence.  Fern tells Haven if she doesn’t have confidence, she can’t be in this business.  The judges are appalled by Markus’s finishing, even though they all kind of like his idea.  Norma tells him that he should be “devastated” by his own lack of craftsmanship.

In a private discussion among the judges, Norma says, “If you don’t have a burning desire to have it perfect, there are too many people that do.”  A BIG WORD UP TO THAT!  I would like that message hand delivered to the Starbucks at the corner of E Street and New Jersey Avenue in Washington, D.C.  They have the worst customer service ever.  That is what I am going to tell that rude-ass ho behind the counter when she doesn’t tell me thank you when I buy my venti coffee.  “If you don’t have a burning desire to have it perfect, there are too many people that do.”  We in a recession, fools.  Don’t forget it, lazy Starbucks ho.  You are easily replaceable.

Markus is eliminated.  Buh-bye, darling.  What a dumb saying.  But not as dumb as when Kelly chimes in, telling Haven, “You are hanging by a thread.”

Well, friends, we made it through another one.  Hopefully, next week, eight of these people will be eliminated, so this show can be put out of its misery.

Season 1, Episode 3: Trick Up Your Sleeve (originally aired May 21, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Barbara Nitke

Rescue Me: Carpe Diem

Rescue Me is a good show. However, this week, it also reminded me of lots of other good shows and movies. Ordinarily, that bothers me as a cop out in storytelling, but for now, I’m going to let it slide, because at least here, I spent half the episode laughing out loud.

And so! Remember that Tommy received his chip for one year of sobriety, and then shortly thereafter started drinking again. But he’s controlling it this time, so you know. Learn and grow. He shares this news only with Janet. Needles decides that if everyone’s going to think he’s an asshole, then he might as well fit the part. So he starts dogging the guys, and by guys, I mean Tommy. Uncle Teddy’s volunteering at VA hospitals (with Maggie) trying to do his part, and comes up against an old, lonely vet who offers Teddy $3,000 or $20,000 to kill him. It comes down to how well Teddy bargains. I don’t know what my price is, but Teddy doesn’t blink, because that’s not why he’s here. The old vet warns Teddy that one day, it’ll be him in the bed, begging some young-ish stranger to do him in. I don’t know if that’s nail biting foreshadowing for a potentially dying Teddy, or foreshadowing that Teddy might consider the old guy’s offer.

Franco serves up beers and advice this week, first for Lou at the bar (and I swear, it was all the angles and light, but I couldn’t help but think of Paddy’s Pub). Lou still considers himself unworthy of Genevieve, but Franco suggests honesty; Lou tries it, honest about how unattractive he is, how Tommy says he has no shot, and how unattractive he is (really). But wait! Genevieve invites him over to her place. Turns out, Lou is, in fact, not her type. But she hates Tommy so much, she’s willing to sleep with Lou and engage “in a good old fashioned grudge hump.” She also provides him with a note as proof and a cell phone number so that Tommy can call her when he doubts Lou’s story. I really hope he does; I’d like to see that phone call. Remember when all you needed as a trophy were panties?

Franco also counsels Sean to visit a doctor for constipation and other bowel issues. Yes, this week’s story arc for Sean is his inability to poop. Sean won’t visit a doctor, naturally, and explains to his buddies that he’s having difficulty shitting. He’s in serious discomfort, and I for one, was eating when I listened to this conversation about bowel formations and “crowning.” A brief discussion, yes, but I was no longer hungry, that’s for sure. The crew answers a fire call the next day, but as they abandon the building to the fire, Sean’s MIA, and the crew find their presumably injured and/or fallen comrade on the commode, finally taking care of his business. In the middle of a burning building.

Why no one suggested he try a laxative, I’ll never guess, but even I have to admit, this was a funny moment.

In the coming weeks, I’ve no doubt that these set-ups, disguised as character bits and plot, will develop more fully and pay off – Sean’s condition is accelerating, Teddy may or may not be contemplating assisted suicide, and the Lou vs. Tommy Battle of the Broad is far from over – yet the most enjoyable storyline of the night comes courtesy of the Gavins. Tommy and Janet head to Katy’s school to watch her perform in a play. Only, I’m sorry, she’s currently going by Katherine now, and orders Janet to wear a dress and Tommy to wear a polo shirt. That’s how they dress, after all, in their Manhattan loft apartment, where Tommy works for a hedge fund and Janet is a fashion designer. You might not believe this, but make believe doesn’t sit well with Tommy, pride of the FDNY. Janet begs him on the drive to the school to act like an adult, with no cocktails, no arguments, and to remember that everything they do is a reflection on Katy.

This goes pretty well for Tommy, but not so much for Janet. First, she and Tommy are forced to share a room at The Blueberry Inn, which she’s not thrilled about. Then, at dinner with three other couples and parents of Katy’s classmates, Tommy wins over the boys by telling them the truth about his FDNY job, while Janet receives scorn and insults from the ladies for being pretty, thin and a fashion designer. Between the setting, rapid dialogue, and the upper class snobbery, Rory and Lorelei could have walked into the room and except for the cursing and racial jokes, this could have been a scene straight from Gilmore Girls. I never watched the show. Really. Or, I never watched it regularly. But with or without the Gilmores, this scene is hilarious as Janet proceeds to deal with the abuse by drinking too much (FYI, we never see Tommy drink). Eventually, she’s had enough and tells off the Manhattan bitches, and stumbles out of the room with her proud “husband” by her side. Riding the wave of victory all the way to their bedroom, what you knew would happen does, and alcohol + Janet in a tank top and boy shorts + an aroused Tommy = loud, obnoxious sex all around the room. The casualties include a vase, a dresser drawer, and a door, because he bangs her right through it! Helloooooo!

Though the battle against New York City’s better half and a slammin’ good night brings Janet and Tommy closer, Katy learns of Janet’s misdeeds through Gossip Girl – er, from the gossip of pre-teen girls. After the play, Katy launches into a tirade against her parents, and she banishes them from the school, a haven where she feels safe and happy. Wow. This kid has issues. Safe? What the hell have the Gavins done to her? Janet and Tommy leave, feeling defeated, and Katy runs across the school lawn in a ball of teenage angst so great, that if Robert Sean Leonard were on this show, I’d worry about their futures. Imagine if Katy were performing Midsummer Night’s Dream? Yikes!

The episode is not without its faults (Really, Sean? In a burning building?), but as a set-up for later developments, I’m more than okay with the storytelling pace. And it’s rare these days to finish an episode of any show, and still look forward to what happens next week.

Next week: Visions!

Season 5, Episode 7: Play (originally aired May 19, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Glee: The Best New Show That Might Not Get Canceled

So, I’ve been eagerly anticipating Glee, Fox’s new scripted high school musical comedy series, since I saw the first promo during an American Idol episode, like, months ago.

Because I could tell from those brief clips that Glee had the elements to majorly rock. I mean, Jane Lynch plays the cheerleading coach. Did you hear me? Jane Lynch plays the cheerleading coach! Plus, our stars appeared to be an assortment of teens, some of whom even look like the kind of normal kids you might see at actual high schools, singing and not being all that embarrassed about it. And let’s not forget that they got the rights to that one Journey song that everyone in the world adores, and then used the heck out of it in those promos.

But those ads played up the music and the earnestness but played down the satire, thus making the show look like it has a lot more in common with High School Musical than it actually does. So that threw me off a bit, but in a good way. Because Glee is, in addition to being very, very musical, also very, very funny. (And trust me, I’ll have more to say on HSM later.)

I wanted to embed video clips in this review, to give a representative sampling of the show’s awesomeness for those who missed it last night, but the problem is that I want to embed every clip. The songs, of course, especially “Rehab” and “Don’t Stop Believin’.” But also the scene where the teacher blackmailed the jock into joining the glee club by pretending he’d found pot in the jock’s locker and that he was at risk of losing the football scholarship he never actually acquired, and just generally copying every trope from every teens-in-trouble drama ever. And the wannabe-starlet-character-backstory scene, where the cheerleaders write mean comments on her MySpace page even though said wannabe starlet is the most awesome thing ever. And the scene where the jocks prepare to flip over the port-a-potty inside which they’ve locked a wheelchair-bound glee-club kid, claiming that it’s not dangerous because, after all, the kid is already in a wheelchair. And a gazillion others. I mean, yes, not every scene scores an A+. But all of them, even the sappy scenes between our teacher protagonist and his would-be mistress, contain neat little details. Like the mistress’s plastic box of PB&J with the crusts cut off, and lines like “I’m not happy that you have marital problems, but people talk to me a lot, ’cause I’m the guidance counselor.”

So if you missed it, just go watch the whole episode on Hulu and then come back. I’ll wait.

Right then.

So, the reason Glee is awesome is that it was created by Ryan Murphy, whose work I’m unfamiliar with. (I know he did Nip/Tuck and Popular (no, not that “Popular“), and I know both of those were supposed to have been really good, but I never watched the former because I heard it was gross and I can’t deal with gross, and I never watched the latter because I had to study for my Abnormal Psych final during the, like, 12 seconds it was on the air.)

Anyway, this is only Glee‘s pilot, so the story is pretty basic: A teacher decides to revive his school’s fading glee club, and leads a motley group of kids past obstacles such as a principal who lacks faith (he wants the glee club to sacrifice the auditorium so he can use it to host AA meetings; there are a lot of drunks in this town, and they pay $10 a head), as well as the rivalry of the school’s much-more-successful cheerleading squad (called the “Cheerios”), and the fact that there are only six kids on the glee club anyway (and, in the principal’s words, “One of them’s a cripple”).

Neither of the two high schools I attended had glee clubs (I lived in a more Junior-ROTC area), so what I know of this institution comes from Saved by the Bell.  I kept waiting for Violet Bickerstaff to walk out and sing “Beautiful Dreamer” while everyone else “dum dummed” in the background. Which never happened. But plenty of other amazing stuff did.

You already know about the ways in which the show’s awesomeness manifests itself, since you watched the episode, but I’ll list some of my favorites:

• Our protagonist, Will, works as a Spanish teacher at the very same high school he himself attended. He spends his days eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, choosing not to break up parking lot fights, and arguing with his wife, Terri, about her Pottery Barn habit (hey, someone’s got to keep the Christmas closet stocked). The greatest moment of Will’s life occurred when he starred in a high school glee club competition in 1993, but now, his primary goal is to get Terri impregnated. Between the Election vibe the character gives off, and the promos’ promise that we will get to hear Will rap sooner or later, and the earnestness with which he imbues every line, I’m on board with Will.
• Our star jock character, the one who secretly sings in the locker room shower (while not wearing shower shoes, ewww) and doesn’t want to just be the guy who throws eggs anymore, is named Finn. His girlfriend, the president of the Celibacy Club (and she’s also a member), is named Quinn. Hee! (And, by the way, I watched the whole episode the first time thinking Finn was played by Chris Evans, who played the lead in Not Another Teen Movie, but it turns out he was played by Cory Monteith and he and Chris Evans were just separated at birth or something. (Here’s Chris Evans.  Here’s Cory Monteith.  Tell me I’m wrong.))
• After a total of maybe 10 minutes of screentime, our starlet character, Rachel Berry, has now officially been added to my list of favorite TV characters. Rachel won her first dance competition when she was three months old and now spouts out gems like “Metaphors are important!” and “Being anonymous is worse than being poor!” She posts a new video of her singing to her MySpace page every single day, even though the Cheerios mock her for it and the rest of the country moved on to Facebook years ago. And let’s not even get into her dads and the turkey baster.
• A rival glee club performs a song called “Rehab,” which I had not heard before and which I assumed was an original composition by the show’s writers, and I was seriously on the floor hearing those lyrics for the first time in this context. But then I looked it up and saw that it’s an Amy Winehouse song (and I guess a really famous one – look, there’s a reason I’m not reviewing American Idol; I only ever find out about contemporary music when I’m introduced to it through shows like this. I’d never heard that Kanye West song Kris Allen covered until then either. Don’t you judge me.) Anyway, regardless of the song’s origins the Glee scene is still hilarious, and it was still pretty genius on the part of the writers to do it glee-club style.
• Did I mention that Jane Lynch plays the cheerleading coach? She does. She also has all the best lines. A sample speech: “Your resentment is delicious. I have a phoner in a couple minutes. That’s an interview, on the telephone, with a major media outlet. I’ll probably do it on my iPhone.”
• The closing sequence, where the kids perform “Don’t Stop Believin’,” lives up to the hype promised in all those months of promos. It has spinning wheelchair guitar solos, and straight guys awkwardly rocking out with their eyes closed, and Phil Collins-esque singing from behind a drum set, and saxophonists dressed up like Matt Giraud, and evil onlookers in fauxhawks, and Rachel singing her gorgeous little heart out. I dare you watch that performance without grinning. (And if you can, you aren’t this show’s target audience anyway.)

In the face of all this excellence, I’m even tempted to forgive the storyline that equated “being gay” with “feeling up teenage boys” because Ryan Murphy is himself gay and the sequence was played for high comedy. I won’t completely forgive it because it still made me squirm. But I can’t think of anything else negative to say about Glee. Sure, I could’ve used more Jane Lynch, but we have a whole season to go and I’m sure we’ll see plenty of her yet. I could’ve used more Rachel, too, for that matter, but see above. And there were some cheesy “I believe in these kids!”-type moments, which I didn’t particularly enjoy watching but without which the show would be nothing but straight-up satire and musical numbers, and that’s not what a show like Glee should be. So I won’t fault it for those moments, even if I did spend those (mercifully brief) scenes scouring YouTube for clips of the singing that I could post to Facebook.

So, because I doubt this show would’ve ever been green-lit, much less produced at the $3 million an episode they’re reportedly spending on it, had it not been for the success of the High School Musical franchise, and since I am a genuine HSM fan (and well over the age of 11, thank you very much), let’s address the fact, shall we, that Glee is working with only a slightly more serious interpretation of HSM‘s premise. Both address those two age-old challenges facing would-be high school singing sensations: A) that singing often involves crossing clique boundaries, which is always a no-no, and B) that singing is in itself inherently dorky. In high school, being seen singing well is embarrassing (or so I’m told), and being seen singing badly is mortifying (this I know for a fact). So to voluntarily get up on stage and sing, when one is not already a theater dork and/or Zac Efron?  What teenager in his or her right mind would bring that trauma on him- or herself?

In HSM, the solution to these dilemmas is that the entire school decides singing is no longer dorky. Whereas even though Glee is set at the kind of stereotypical high school where throwing nerds into Dumpsters is typical early-morning behavior (hey, maybe I really should be making Saved by the Bell comparisons), the show still aims to be somewhat realistic in that it does not attempt to redeem singing in the eyes of the student body. So Glee‘s characters are forced to simply weather out the ridicule and buy some extra denim jackets, or else at least learn how to rinse out paintball stains.

The other obvious reference point for this show is American Idol, but Glee is simply so much more satisfying than AI. I get so sick of the judges complaining about Idol contestants being “soundalike” or “karaoke” when the vast majority of the time, well-done “soundalike” or “karaoke” performances are exactly what most of us want to hear. Yes, Adam’s interpretation of “Ring of Fire” was just about the most amazing thing ever, but you know what, Lil Rounds’ performance of “What’s Love Got to Do With It” was awesome too. Because there’s a reason people still listen to Tina Turner. And Glee is shaping up to give us lots and lots of those sounding-like-Tina moments, and to mix it in with dialogue that Simon Cowell only dreams he could write. And, Jane Lynch!

And then, of course, there are the Bring It On references (there are a lot of Toros in the atmosphere at McKinley High). And also I’m pretty sure I spotted a bit of parody of Friday Night Lights in there, which I know is wrong wrong wrong because FNL is a genuinely good show and whatever whatever. But I still think it was awesome. And, while we’re making allusions, let’s not forget that this is the network that brought both us The O.C. and the original 90210, and that I see both of those in Glee, too.

Speaking of which, perhaps Fox was thinking of the age-old strategy that made that latter show a hit when it came up with its weird schedule for Glee. They premiered the pilot episode this week, immediately following the final Idol competition night, but the rest of the season will air this fall. Has that been done before? Far be it for me to try to suggest scheduling strategies for teen shows – this network is the one that made the original 90210 a hit after it had already been on for a year when they made the then-revolutionary decision to air new episodes over the summer (this being back in an era when everything else on during the summer was reruns. Ah, it was a simpler time.)

Anyway, so, yes, I can heap all the praise I want on Glee, but so far we’ve only seen the pilot. From here, it looks awfully likely that things will go downhill. But rumor has it that later episodes will include even more Jane Lynch! And let’s not forget that promo in which Will rapped. Any show that has its painfully white, painfully over-30 lead character unabashedly rapping in the first season deserves a healthy grace period.

So come on, y’all, let’s give the pilot some good buzz. Go forth and download! http://www.itunes.com

For another opinion on this episode, check out Jazz Hands + Spirit Fingers = Fabulous! by J.B. Perlow.

Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot (originally aired May 19, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Returns Fall 2009 on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Glee: Jazz Hands + Spirit Fingers = Fabulous!

Meet Will Schuester, a high school Spanish teacher who’s a former glee club kid and new leader of the school’s ragtag glee club.  He wants to bring joy and inspiration to the students but the principal is dedicating all available extracurricular funds to Sue’s award-winning cheerleading squad, “The Cheerios.”  So Mr. Schuester will have to pay out of his own pocket if he wants the glee club to continue.  He accepts, renames the group “New Directions,” and holds auditions, where we meet our wacky kids: Mercedes the sassy black girl like I see on TV, Kurt the fey, Tina the goth lesbian, Arty in the wheelchair, and Rachel the perfectionist with two gay dads who is inspired to sing “On My Own” in response to the taunts of her peers and a certain generic Slurpee thrown in her face.  Their first number? “Sit Down You’re Rocking the Boat,” lead by Arty sitting down in his wheelchair, who thinks Mr. Schuester is using irony to make his point.  We’re at the first commercial break and I’m already hooked!

We meet Mr. Schuester’s wife, Terri, who works at Sheet ‘n Things on her feet four hours a day, three times a week.  It’s a difficult life for her and she’s unsympathetic to her husband’s issues or interests in glee club.  So after a brief encounter with the former glee club teacher–Sandy with his long-distance girlfriend but fired for making a pass at a male student, Mr. Schuester goes to Sue for help getting new students to join.  She explains that in the high school social hierarchy, glee club is in the subbasement.  So he makes another plea to the football team.  Unfortunately, only Gaylord Weiner and Butt Munch signed up and, frankly, they’re tone deaf.

But in a stroke of luck, Mr. Schuester overhears Finn singing in the gym locker room (“Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore”), plants some marijuana on him (courtesy of Sandy’s new drug trading occupation), and blackmails him into joining glee club in exchange for not reporting the incident to his mother.  You see, his mother’s pride is everything to Finn since his father was killed during the first time America went to Iraq to fight Osama Bin Laden.

At the first practice with Finn (“You’re the One That I Want”), Mercedes, who is Beyonce and not Kelly Roland, isn’t pleased with the new dynamic.  At home, Mr. Schuester is having other issues.  His wife wants him to earn more money and become an accountant because she wants a real life and glue gun that works–they compliment her three mahogany toilet brush holders.  But Mr. Schuester is not giving up yet on the kids and enlists the help of fellow teacher, Emma Pillsbury the germaphobe who seems to have more of a connection with Mr. Schuester than he does with his own wife.  I’m sure we can see where this could lead.

New Directions goes to see Carmel High School perform “Rehab,” and it is amazing.  Finn lies to his friend about having to help with his mother’s prostate surgery and then brushes off Rachel’s advances.  Even though she’s the young ingenue and everyone expects the two to get together, Finn has a girlfriend, who’s a cheerleader and the head of the virgin group.  It’s frustrating, ahem.  And after the concert, Finn’s friends figure out that women do not have prostates and they belt him with paintballs.

Our conflict comes when Mr. Schuester comes over to find out his wife is finally pregnant.  He gives his notice and the glee kids are sad that he’s leaving them.  Emma is also sad about the news and wants him to think about it some more.  Meanwhile, Finn is leaving glee club but has a change of heart after he see his girlfriend tease Rachel and his friends lock Arty in a portable toilet because it’s not like he could get hurt–he’s already in a wheelchair.  So Finn goes back to rehearsal and is sorry for his silly and rude behavior to them.  He organizes them to put together a new show.

As Mr. Schuester is walking out of the school, he hears something from the auditorium.  It’s New Directions singing a poorly lip-synced version of “Don’t Stop Believing,” with a synthesized accompaniment.  Anyway, it’s peppy and inspiring enough for Mr. Schuester to change his mind and to stay a teacher.  Awwww.

So that was the pilot of Glee.  Perhaps I’m biased because of my affinity for high school musical theatre, but I watched it twice and really enjoyed it both times.  While the concept is nothing complicated, the writing and humor are spot-on and even the cut-aways aren’t as distracting or overdone to the point of detracting from the actual story.  Even the characters that are supposed to be over-the-top, e.g., Sue, are ably done and blend nicely with the subdued performance of Matthew Morrison and the brutal honesty from the duet of Rachel and Finn.  Now will others find it as entertaining?  Let’s hope so, otherwise we’ll have another great show the critics all like but never catches on with a sustainable audience.  And we all know we don’t need that.

For another opinion on this episode, check out The Best New Show That Might Not Get Canceled by Robin Reed.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot (originally aired May 19, 2009)

For more on Glee, click here.

Returns Fall 2009 on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Gossip Girl: Congratulations, Don!

For some reason Serena’s arrest makes it into international news thanks to Gossip Girl, but with graduation looming, Gossip Girl is soon to be a thing of the past.  (The site, not the show, right?)

In pre-ceremony drama, Nate and Vanessa talk about his break up with Blair and how sorry he is for how he handled his break up with Vanessa.  And Jenny is gunning for the new queen of the gals, but there’s competition from someone else; the winner will be the one who brings the two juiciest bits of gossip.  The coronation will be at Nate’s midnight party, but Jenny wants the monarchy to end tonight.

Rufus and Lily haven’t seen each other since their last fight but now they are sitting next to each other at graduation.  Eleanor and Cyrus are behind them and are quickly shut down when they suggest that Rufus and Lily should get married before it is too late.  We know where this is leading.

But during the commencement address, Gossip Girl sends out her own diplomas in the form of labels, declaring Nate the class whore, Dan is the ultimate insider, Chuck is a coward, Blair is a weakling, and Serena is officially irrelevant after today.  Not so fast, though, Serena is bringing Gossip Girl down.  Snaps!

Post-graduation reception.  The gang rallies and debates what to do about Gossip Girl while Rufus and Lily debate where they are as a couple, if anywhere.  Dan pushes Serena away now that high school is over, their parents aren’t together anymore, and they’re going away to school.  (So that’s break-up seven for the season?  I’ve lost count.)

Chuck reveals that the focus of Gossip Girl’s posts are Constance, meaning it must be a fellow senior.  Serena sends a tip to Gossip Girl to see whose phone in the room goes off.  It’s Jonathan!  Why couldn’t they have done this years ago?!?

After the break, we learn that Jonathan isn’t really Gossip Girl but that he and Eric hacked into Gossip Girl over spring break.  So it’s not Jonathan but Jenny grabs a piece of gossip she thinks might defeat the new girl.  She’s unsure if she should use it to abolish the monarchy forever.  I wonder if the Founding Fathers had similar reservations . . .  While we ponder this, Rufus and Lily rock the ganj back in the Brooklyn loft.

At the Archibald party (and final party of the season), Nelly Yuki is getting drunk and almost has a Can’t Hardly Wait moment with Dan.  Jenny tells Blair that Gossip Girl knows about her New Years mystery (she slept with Chuck’s uncle Jack).  Blair dismisses Jenny, which just convinces Jenny to go tell Penelope.  Meanwhile, Blair is slowly undressing for Chuck in a private room, hoping he’ll say he loves her.  But then the phones start ringing: Gossip Girl is pissed that Serena tried to find her identity and so she drops all of her remaining gossip bombs and everyone learns all the dirty secrets we’ve been watching these past two seasons.

Blair and Chuck blame Serena for bringing down the wrath of Gossip Girl and then Blair misdirects her anger (as usual) to someone else: Dan.  She tries to explain to Chuck about Jack but she just wants Chuck to tell her the truth about how he feels about her.  Of course he won’t and he walks out.  Blair goes to Jenny to tell her about what happened with Chuck; this will be enough to make her queen.  But Jenny is unsure.

Serena sends a bluff to Gossip Girl and tells her to meet her in an hour, otherwise she’ll tell everyone who she is.  She and Nate wait but she doesn’t arrive.  Instead Dan walks in and has another awkward conversation with Serena.  In short, Serena is upset about being called irrelevant.  Blair walks in, then Jenny, and then everyone else.  Gossip Girl played a little trick and said that she’s only possible because of all of their gossiping on each other.  She’s shared all of their dirt, the slate is clean, and she’s coming along to college.  Oh how convenient!

The next morning at the van der Woodsen breakfast table, Rufus and Lily share how they got engaged while high the night before.  Eric is giddy about his dream coming true: he’s finally getting to use the new wafflemaker!  (Oh my.)  In Serena’s room, Blair is glad that she can move on with life next year in college.

A few weeks later, Dan and Vanessa reminisce about his high school days when Nate walks in to share that the deputy mayor made a pass at him.  He’s quitting and wants to go on the backpacking trip he originally planned with Vanessa.  As they leave, we meet Scott who works in the coffee shop and just transferred to NYU from BU.  Perhaps he and Dan will see each other around . . . since he’s his half-brother!

In other seed planting excitement for next season,

• Blair coronates Jenny the new queen, a foreigner from Brooklyn!
• Dan receives a mysterious phone call from Georgina. She got his money back from Poppy and she says she’ll be seeing him next year. When she hangs up, she’s at NYU requesting Blair as her freshman year roommate. Ha!
• Carter Baron tells Serena he found her father and they run off to find him.
• And Chuck is back from his tour of Europe finding gifts for Blair. He’s no longer a coward and he loves Blair (and says so to her face).

Well, that’s the end of Season Two of Gossip Girl and I have mixed thoughts.  There were some great episodes but mostly a series of snoozers and uninspiring, repetitive storylines.  Our ending wrapped up all of the storylines, even in a somewhat contrived way and while condensing the excellent Gossip Girl reveal into a minor bit.  With next season placing the characters in different cities, it will be interesting to see whether the show can continue it’s momentum and not collapse under the weight of a bloated cast and rambling storylines.  But until that time, you know you love me.  X-O-X-O.

P.S. Looks like my negative comments about last week’s Gossip Girl tie-in had an impact.  The new Gossip Girl spin-off is no more.

Season 2, Episode 25: The Goodbye Gossip Girl (originally aired May 18, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Gossip Girl, click here.

Mondays at 8/7C, The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Giovanni Rufino

Angels & Demons Review: Pope-tacular

A brainy theme park ride that’s like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with a dash of Se7en and 24, Angels & Demons is a stellar example of how to properly bring a novel to life and deftly sidesteps most of the  boredom that bogged down its predecessor, The DaVinci Code. Much of the credit for that belongs to Dan Brown who, years before DaVinci Code’s massive popularity, had already written a Robert Langdon adventure more visual and visceral than its megahit younger sib. I deeply enjoyed DaVinci Code as a novel, but as a cinematic thriller it came out like watching somebody do crosswords for over two hours (not to mention the complete evisceration of the Audrey Tatou character’s ingenuity and spunk). But now Ron Howard and Tom Hanks have been given a second chance and while it’s not perfect, Angels & Demons is still a fine piece of entertainment.

Following the death of a beloved and progressive minded pope, the cardinals of the world have gathered in Vatican City for Conclave to select one of their own who will rise into the role of Holy Father. There’s just one small hitch: the Illuminati, a secret society of scientists the Church tried to eliminate in the 1600s, have kidnapped the top 4 candidates and stolen an experimental antimatter mega-explosive. A cagey Italian cop has the good sense to call in stalwart symbologist Langdon, perhaps the only man on earth with the knowledge base obscure enough to decrypt the terrorist threat and find the cardinals before a chillingly effective assassin kills them off in a manner cleverly evocative of the four classical elements of science: earth, air, fire, and water. The script does a good job at changing the story from prequel to sequel with a few well placed lines and an extra frosty reception from the Vatican BMOCs, but this time Rob isn’t out to shatter Christianity’ ideological foundations, he’s out to save its literal foundations.

It’s always nice to see Tom Hanks do his thing (in his first major role since 2007′s Charlie Wilson’s War) and by bringing a lighter touch and a drastically improved haircut to the role, Robert Langdon strikes a nice balance between man of thought and man of action. Israeli rising star Ayelet Zurer provides a strong feminine counterpoint to the procedings as Vittoria Vetra, a CERN physicist who would really like her antimatter back, thank you very much. Ewan McGregor and Stellan Skarsgard round out the cast as the late pope’s ambitious protege and the hyper-suspicious head of the Swiss Guard, respectively. Once the plot sets in motion, a strong suspenseful sense of purpose and momentum sets in: one dead cardinal per hour from 8-11 PM and kaboom at midnight. Along the way, almost everyone has a chance to engage in thoughtful conversation about their personal faith and the tenuous relationship between science and religion. There are moments when the script becomes a smidge too preachy for its own good, and ten or so of the 140 minutes running time wouldn’t be out of place on the cutting room floor, but Ron Howard puts in an extremely solid effort behind the camera and delivers some of the coolest near-Apollo 13 caliber work of his career. And despite my quibbles, screenwriters David Koepp and Akiva Goldsman deserve praise for keeping all the essential meat of the book while sanding the edges off a few of its more ludicrous and/or gratuitously controversial twists.

As I left the theater, a friend of mine remarked that there’s just something a bit off about the Papal Conclave: old men in dresses and fancy hats arguing over who gets to wear the nicest dress and the fanciest hat while the whole thing plays out on the international stage for a captive audience of billions. Toss in Tyra and Miss J, and it’s Vatican’s Next Top Pope. Lest I sound anti-Catholic, I am an individual of great personal Christian faith who simply believes that centuries of ceremony and dogma have battered the church’s true message nearly beyond recognition. But you’re not here for a religion rant, so I digress. No matter where you stand, Conclave makes a grand, compelling, and visually stunning stage for a thriller and Angels & Demons milks it for all it’s worth.

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