The Tudors: Fourth Time’s a Charm

Recall from last time, Henry killed Cardinal Pole’s family and is on the hunt for the new wife, but without seeing the face of potential mate Anne of Cleves, caveat emptor.  Tonight we learn that if you care about appearances, you want to see your future spouse ahead of time.

Cromwell dispatches Mr. Holbein, the artist, to draw a “pleasing” portrait of Anne of Cleves, but that’s okay because “surely all art is a lie.”   But paintings aside, the Catholic rulers of Europe are preparing for all out war with England, and so the Council is preparing England’s defenses.  Among those are the crafty ways of Sir Bryan who is still trying to assassinate Pole.  Henry, though, is still focused on Anne as a potential mate, and with a flattering portrait in hand, Cromwell again presses the case that Henry marry her and strengthen the alliance with the Protestant League.  And the Duke of Cleves is demanding a high price for his sister Anne’s virginity, yet on further consideration, Henry will take her without a dowry only entrance into the League.

On the coast of England, though, the Beacons of Gondor are aflame.  The ships are a-comin’!  But upon closer look, the ships are merchant ships bound for Constantinople.  Clearly they are lost.  And Eustace Chapuys, the Holy Roman Empire’s ambassador, dispels Henry’s misperception that the Emperor and France have entered into an alliance.  Henry is all “Fools me twice, shame on me,” and dismisses him.

In Calais, Charles Brandon tends to the arrival of Anne, who is still veiled.  Due to a storm, Brandon spends time teaching Anne how to play cards.  Brandon reports back to Henry but still no word on her appearance.  But it seems Henry is pretty randy and probably won’t care much either way.  In fact, he’s so, er, enthusiastic that he rides toward Rochester for a royal booty call.  The initial greeting and kiss don’t go well and Henry leaves, probably to find a new mistress.  And Anne’s self-esteem that is already rather low drops even more.

Henry convenes the Council to complain about his new horse-faced bride.  (Insert silly Julia Roberts joke here.)  He is quite angry with Cromwell for the deception and he wants a way out of this.  Cromwell wants to continue with the German alliance because he has reports that France and Spain have renewed their alliance.  Henry is not amused but receives her at court.

We fast forward to the wedding day.  Henry reminds Cromwell that he failed in finding a way out of this situation and that Henry is not pleased with Cromwell’s service.  Still, the wedding happens and our newlyweds enjoy a nice game of cards as members of the court look on and wait for them to consummate the marriage.  As the couple retires to bed, we have to watch Henry’s frustration . . . as nothing happens.  The next morning he tells Cromwell that she smelled and he couldn’t touch her.  Seriously, that’s what he said.

He asks his doctor about his lack of sexual desire toward Anne.  We (and the good doctor) are assured that this is not a physical problem with Henry because he had two nocturnal emissions the night before.  Well, that’s good to know!  Cromwell is also concerned and calls Anne in to impress upon her the need to get jiggy with the king.  But, in a nice twist, she’s also grossed out by the king and his smelly pus leg.  Still, this will not deter her.  Those German girls are hearty!

But in talking with her lady in waiting, Anne is given a quick sex-ed lesson: “He must put his member inside you and stir it.”  Yep, that’s exactly how it works.  Just like making instant pudding!  Anyway, we end on a final awkward scene where Henry tries to be with Anne but winds up, ahem, ahem, stirring his own.

Oh boy has this show gone off the deep end!  I don’t care how historically accurate the business with Anne is (and it is, thankfully) but the storytelling is choppy, what we see is rather uninteresting, and it just feels like this season has been phoned in.  At least next week, we’ll have a good old-fashioned execution.

Season 3, Episode 7 (originally aired May 17, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on The Tudors, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession

America’s Next Top Model Is…

It’s Top Model finale time! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for this one to be over. I know McKey was boring and these girls at least have personality, but I think the word that best describes this entire cycle, is “Meh.”

So let’s get to it. Tyra Mail informs us that it’s time for the final Cover Girl commercial and photo ad. Allison knows she has to work it, as she performed so poorly during the first commercial. Aminat calls herself the underdog, so she must step it up as well.

On set, McKey arrives to pimp a new Cover Girl product, and then Aminat’s up first. She rocks the commercial but continues to confound Jay with her inability to move her facial muscles. Her beauty shot is okay but not great; the photographer thinks she’s beautiful but needs to mature more as a model.

Allison also nails the commercial, at least for her. She does well, improving significantly over her previous awfulness – Jay’s impressed, but not that impressed. The photographer says she has a Bettie Page thing going on. Well…okay. Teyona looks amazing, but her nerves cause her to forget her lines, which causes her to freak out and tear up on set. Which is a big fall for the confident model, because she knows this could seriously threaten her win more than a good commercial by the other girls. She manages to finish, but with a poor performance. Her photo redeems her, with the photographer calling her fun to shoot because of the spark she brings to set.

Later, Teyona interviews about her mistakes, and breaks down in tears. I know Aminat and Allison want to win, but nobody wants this more than Teyona. Not even Celia, who seemed to think she’d earned it just by liking fashion.

But instead of rehashing that old bag, it’s elimination time!  Guest judge: Amir Slama, the designer of Rosa Cha, in whose fashion show the finalists will walk. We watch the final commercial, and I honestly think that Allison did the best even though Jay felt she wasn’t strong enough. Teyona’s up first, and we watch her stumble through her commercial take. Uh oh. The judges understand her nervousness and sympathize. And here’s why we know Teyona’s safe: Because any other girl would have received the speech: “Nerves? Girl, at this point in the competition, you can’t fail like this. A top model can’t have nerves. I’m Tyra! I was nervous too, but I rocked it out and look at me now!” To drive this point home, we hear about how her average beauty shot contains the famous “smiling eyes” and that Cover Girl is looking for a more sultry look, and that’s what Teyona nailed – not the commercial, fresh look they’ve always wanted before now. Huh?

The judges call Allison’s performance “all right,” and give her credit for slight improvement. However, her beauty shot wows Tyra, and Tyra also says that Allison had a whole batch of great shots to choose from – it looks like she can do “commercial” after all. You’d think someone who made the final three wouldn’t be such a surprise to the judges who put her there. Aminat’s performance is the judges’ favorite, but her photo disappointed, not just with the final shot, but with all of Aminat’s film.

The first elimination shouldn’t surprise anyone, and Allison is called first (holla!). Between Aminat and Teyona, Aminat’s non-working facial muscles are worse than Teyona’s awful commercial. Aminat cries good-bye in her exit interview, and she promises to keep on with this model thing. She and her kickin’ body go home.

Off to the Seventeen photo cover shoot! Ann Shoket calls this the closest battle between the finalists ever.  That might be true, but that fact doesn’t make this finale any more exciting. Then it’s …

The Rosa Cha fashion show! Both girls are excited, and throw out phrases like “do or die” and calm your nerves, “stat.” Since there’s absolutely no drama between Teyona and Allison (how disappointed must the producers be?), the focus remains on the show. Allison, apparently, has been practicing, and her walk is almost…decent. They both survive the runway – i.e., nobody trips, falls, or otherwise embarrasses themselves (it looks like Allison almost lost her headdress, but no one mentions it). During one pass, the girls samba dance down the runway. Ms. J stands in his colorful, Brazilian dress and shakes his booty towards both girls. Allison interacts and shakes back at him, while Teyona blinks and moves on. Hilarious, because where the heck has Allison’s personality been?  Tyra likes it. The last walk is actually a crawl. All of the models lather up in an oil-esque substance, then everyone slides along the floor and each other to make it down the runway. Allison really loosens up and commits to it, as does Teyona, who loses her weave. So she grabs that hair and swings it around her head. What else can you do? Teyona earns extra points for energy and weave-lassoing. The crowd loves it.

Judging II. Both girls receive compliments on their walks, with the judges focusing more on the surprising performance Allison delivered. It must have been nice for her to hear that the judges expected her to fall on her face. A run-through of past photo shoots and you’re beautiful and you’re beautiful and what a pretty picture – who cares, the deliberation counts!

Deliberation. Actually it doesn’t, because it’s just more compliments. Teyona outwalked Allison, but Allison had more spirit; however, Teyona turned it on during the crawl segment. Ms. J loves Allison, but thinks Teyona wants it more. Paulina thinks that Allison had the biggest transformation, and Nigel thinks that Teyona deserves to be in this spot. And so, America’s Next Top Model is…

Teyona! Admit it, you saw this one coming in the first or second week, didn’t you? Allison seems genuinely happy for Teyona, who is overcome with emotion. Tyra congratulates Allison on her transformation, and Allison interviews that she’s proud of herself. Teyona talks about her own personal journey from New Jersey tomboy to America’s Next Top Model, and I’m already falling asleep.

Then Tyra gives a final voiceover about how she spotted Teyona’s unusual, photogenic beauty, “wind in the face” look and all that potential. Because in these final moments, we should remember that this show isn’t about the models, it’s about Tyra.

And with that, I hope you all managed to stay awake. Thanks for sleeping through this one with me and good riddance to Cycle 12. Bring on the next batch of crazy bitches!

Season 12, Episode 13: America’s Next Top Model Is… (originally aired May 13, 2009)

For more on America’s Next Top Model, click here.

Wednesdays at 8/7c on The CW

Photographs courtesy of The CW, Evan Giordanella, James Wade

The Jone Dome Ep. 12 (Cinco de Mayo)

Episode #12 – May 17, 2009 - (Cinco de Mayo Celebration – Part 1)  Live from Austin Grill in downtown DC, the fellas celebrate Cinco de Mayo in true Jone Domer fashion.  There was so much fun it had to be split into parts.  Definitely an outrages show. Read more

Grey’s Anatomy: Tears!

All I can say is WOW! This was the best Grey’s Anatomy season finale in a long time, and I commend Shonda for taking a leap and putting major players in serious medical danger and making the relationship ups and downs secondary. There’s also a few surprises thrown in there that no viewer could have anticipated and that brought me to tears. So well done! Once again, I care about these characters. This season may have started out on rocky footing, and I know (because some of my friends have already tuned out) that the show may have lost some along the way, but I truly believe things have turned around.

Everyone had issues to deal with in. Izzie faces a difficult choice in in treating her illness, and Alex struggled along side her. As Owen moves forward in therapy, he confronts his issues head on, and because of this Christina has big choices to make. Mark and Lexie wonder if they’re read to make the next step in their relationship, while Derek and Meredith know they are sure; it’s just about getting there. And when an interesting patient comes in, George makes a huge life-changing choice, and Bailey wonders if her marriage is worth losing her dream of becoming a pediatric surgeon.

ACT ONE

The Blushing Bride
We ended last week with a beautiful, surprise wedding, and we start off with the new couple taking a honeymoon…in a hospital wing. Grey’s does what they do best here, bringing in Gilmore Girls always hysterical Paris (Liza Weil), to play Izzie’s new cancer friend. She plays a critical role in helping Izzie decide what she should do, get a surgery that could leave her a vegetable or possibly die while waiting for meds and chemo to work. Alex has a hard time helping Izzie make this huge decision and none of her friends really want to help her decide. There’s a pull and tug between Izzie’s oncologist who sees Paris Patient as her miracle patient who made it without a risky surgery and Derek who feels that Izzie doesn’t have the time to take such a chance. Unfortunately Paris Patient codes right after Izzie has already made up her mind to not have the surgery, and this is the deciding factor. What doesn’t sit well with everyone else, especially Alex, is that seeing her new friend on a ventilator (for what looks like the rest of her life) makes her decided to sign a Do Not Resuscitate form.

Patient Iraq
Another great guest appears in the form of a discharged army man who’s been feeling unbearable pain in his leg, though there are no visible problems, internally or externally. Zach Gilford, from Friday Night Lights, only wants to go back to the army to serve with the people he considers his family, and he’s turned to fellow army man Owen to help him do the unimaginable, cut off what appears to be a healthy leg. Callie is not about this. She puts people back together, not dismembers them. It seems to open the eyes of the doctors around him. Owen even considers re-enlisting much to Christina’s dismay, but in the end, she encourages him to finally let his mother know that he’s home instead of his feeling like a failure, and Christina is by  his side. Even George ends up with a little motivation of his own.

In Other Wings
Mark has really fallen for Lexie or maybe it’s the fact that he’s seen his best friend get married, divorced and then engaged again. Either way, he definitely has genuine feelings for her. So much so that he (in a roundabout way) asks her to move in with her. Lexie gets all bumbly because this never fit into her residency equation, but he’s ready to buy a house and move on with her. Though it’s clear Lexie wants to take the next step, there’s no question that she’s doubtful and not quite as ready as he is.

ACT TWO

The Awakening
It takes a while for Izzie to wake up, and everyone’s standing by like the great friends and husbands they are. When she finally awakens, she’s talking like normal Izzie, and she remembers everyone! It’s a success, until she asks the same questions she asked three minuets ago again and again. Her short-term memory is totally fried until Alex yells at her and makes her feel like crap. (Good job! Tell your wife that you wished you’d never married her because now you have to smother her!) Fortunately, the horrible fight between them is the one thing that she actually can remember so things are looking up. For about five minutes. They basically forgive each other, hugging and happy, and then she flatlines in his arms.

Joining Up and Joining Forces
At the end of Act One, we also found out that the inspiration George found in Patient Iraq was a new purpose in his life. Yes, our sweet and meek George enlisted as a doctor in the Army. There’s a great scene between him and Bailey, as she’s the first person he tells, and he knows she’ll be very angry with him. And Bailey lets it out to everyone else what’s happen, and they need to have an intervention to prevent him from doing it. Everyone debates whether he’ll do great or get himself killed. Callie flips out because she knows his mom is worried. Meredith’s had enough of everyone talking about it like they don’t care about George. And Bailey is at her wits end. What they don’t know is that once the Chief heard that George was enlisted and shipping out soon, he sent him home early to be with his family.

Or so we thought…

A patient is brought in completely smashed. It’s one of the most gruesome patients we’ve seen on Grey’s, but he did it for a good reason. A woman who coming in with him with minor injuries tell them that her hero is a guy she barely gave the time of day when he tried to talk to her because he wasn’t a beauty, and moment later he’s saving her life. He pushed her out of the way of a bus and almost lost his life. (At this point, I’m bawling hysterically just at the idea of how great some people can be, and this woman is so desperate for him to live.) The patient flatlines A LOT, but when he’s awake he keeps trying to convey some message. The whole time I’m thinking it must be something about this woman; there must be something about her they have to know that she’s still hiding. But in the end when he’s with Meredith, he writes 007 in the air on her hand, and just hearing the awful screams come out of Mer’s mouth, it’s clear that it’s George. Then she screams, and it’s even more awful.

In Other Wings
Now that you know the end, the other stories pale in comparison, but they were still compelling. Callie and Arizona have a tiff when Arizona’s not so understanding of why Callie doesn’t want George to go to Iraq. In fact, she thinks it’s awesome and brave. Callie flips out until Arizona shares that her brother died in Iraq because there weren’t enough doctors like George.

Bailey also was given the news that she got the pediatrics fellowship. Her husband has given her an ultimatum, keep the job she has or lose him. And she chooses to follow her heart and not be with someone who’s weak and can’t support her, even if it breaks her heart. The Chief is their to support her though. Even if a hug won’t help, he stands with her.

And with all the hoopla going on Owen and Christina and Meredith and Derek realize that love is what’s important, especially telling the person you love how much you care before it’s too late. Though Mer and Der can’t run off to city hall like they want to because of people crashing everywhere, they write their vows on a post-it and seal it with their signatures. Christina realizing that even dark and twisty Meredith can change and confesses to Owen that she can’t breathe without him, she loves him and she accepts him back into her life.

END SCENE

In the final scene, Izzie and George are flatlining at the same time, and every doctor we know and love is working on saving these two. Neither of them die before our eyes but just the idea that one of them may kills me. (Yes, I know both want out of their contracts, but will it be that easy?) We see Izzie in that Seattle Grace Prom ball gown of hers that she wore when Denny died, and she gets into the elevator just like that episode from so long ago. The doors open, and I imagine it’ll be Denny, but of course on the other side is her friend George. It’s almost beautiful seeing her in that dress and him in a military suit, but then all the flashing reminds you that they’re both being shocked and almost dead on a cold, medical board. Who, if either, will survive?

Season 5, Episodes 23-24: Here’s to Future Days & Now or Never (originally aired May 14, 2009)

For more Grey’s Anatomy, click here.

Thursdays 9/8c on ABC
Photographs courtesy of ABC

American Idol: Kris Allen??!!

Unlike previous seasons, each contestant will perform only two songs tonight- one the judges choose and one they choose. (I guess this means we won’t get to hear Clive Davis recommend one or more contestants sing “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”.)

Danny Gokey: “Dance Little Sister” by Terrance Trent d’Arby (Paula’s Pick) Nice performance, but nothing remarkable.

Kris Allen: “Apologize” by One Republic (Randy & Kara’s Pick). It’s sounds a lot like the original, and the backing band undermines his performance in parts. Paula highlights “a bum note that was loud”. Where was this Paula last week when a “Dream On” screaming Danny Gokey made me curl into the fetal position?

Adam Lambert: “One” by U2 (Simon’s Pick). He started out in Restrained Adam mode, then pulls out The Scream. Brilliant technique, but too much deviation from the melody.

Danny’ chooses “You Are So Beautiful” next.  Like Adam, restraint at the beginning gives those glory notes credibility at the end. It suited his voice perfectly and the judges love it.

Kris sings “Heartless” by Kanye West, which I couldn’t have expected less, nor enjoyed more. He strips it down to an understated acoustic number, and it’s fantastic. Randy even says he likes it better than the original.

Adam performs “Cryin’”. We’ve come to expect radical things from him, but this stayed pretty close to the original. And considering he’s one of the few people who can truly match Steve Tyler’s vocals and intensity, I can’t say I blame him.

After the break…(aka Wednesday Night Results)

Ryan Seacrest was injured in a freak bikini waxing incident!

Okay, that news came from Ben Stiller, so there’s really no cause for alarm. He and other stars of Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian use the Historic Idol Desk as a means to promote their movie. Quotable juxtaposition: “Where Thomas Jefferson said ‘All men are created equal,’ is now also ‘You were pitchy, dawg. Mad pitchy in spots.’”

Over 88 million votes came in, with just over one million separating the top two. The Ford Music Video (TM!) is set to Matthew Wilder’s “Break My Stride”.

Hey! What happened to the live group performance?

Alicia Keys encourages viewers to donate to “Keep A Child Alive” via text message and introduces Noah from Rwanda singing “I Am the World’s Greatest”. Proceeds from iTunes downloads of the song will go to the charity.

Jordin Sparks performs “Battlefield”.

Yay! We get to see home visits after all! Highlights: Danny’s reunion with his friend (and Hollywood week alum) Jamar. Kris’ long hug with his father. Adam applying eyeliner on a local newswoman.

Katy Perry performs “Waking Up In Vegas”, wearing an Elvis cape reading: “Adam Lambert”. Cute, but a little presumptuous for my taste.

And the first person into the finale is…
KRIS ALLEN??!!!
I screamed so loud I woke my dog that’s nearly deaf.

Kris Allen…
And…Adam Lambert.
I think America picked the right two. I can’t wait!

Season 8, Episodes 36 & 37: Top 3: Performances & Top 3: Results (originally aired May 12 and 13, 2009)

For more on American Idol’s Top 3 Performances and Results, read Hot, Hot, Hot by Inisia Lewis.

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company.

American Idol: Hot, Hot, Hot

So we’re a mere week away from the showdown we’ve been waiting for, and it’s clear everyone here wants it and wants it bad. But now, it’s not about want, and it’s not about talent because they all shine for very different reasons. It’s about who deserves it and who won’t drop the ball when the stage lights get hot, hot, hot. This week, we drop the themes, and give the judges and contestants an opportunity to pick whatever song they want. Oh, and because they have to fill up an hour show, it’s two-song time! Yay!

It’s the last chance for these contestants to show us the type of artist they will be if given the chance. So now it’s time for my boys to hit the stage. I know who I want to make it through, and if you’ve been reading so far, I’m sure it’ll be no surprise for you, but I’ll save my griping until the results. Lights, Camera, Action!

Danny’s up, and Paula has picked Terrence Trent D’Arby’s “Dance Little Sister.” I don’t know it; neither does Danny, and I can’t believe the millions of teeny boppers out there who watch the show will know it or like it. Vocally, he sounds great, but his performance is a little wacky and over the top (The dancing! Oh, the horror!), and you could tell he just wasn’t jiving with the song which made me feel disconnected and made his seem disconnected.

I get why she picked the song. His voice sits very well in the pocket of the song, but it almost seems like sabotage to Danny to get saddled with such an unknown. Sure, people like risks, but at this point in time, you want to please not confound the viewers. And I left that performance going, “Huh?!” The judges stick behind him though. Randy loved his hoarse tone, Paula said he did “really good,” which at this point equates to not that good. Kara thought he sang well but gyrated too much, and Simon agreed the dancing was “desperate” but he sang it well. He would have rather heard a different song from Terrence, but whatever song he said, I still didn’t know, and it probably wouldn’t have helped him.

Then it’s on to Kris. It’s clear who the important judges are since Randy and Kara have to share a pick. I wish Paula didn’t have a pick, and maybe Danny would have had a chance. They choose OneRepublic’s “Apologize,” a song I’ve heard enough of but can’t help not turning the station and singing along whenever it comes on the radio. I think this is the perfect choice, and I’m surprised Kara and Randy did THAT well. The lead singer has a very unique voice so I’m afraid Kris will not be able to compare, but I’m sweetly surprised.

He sits behind the piano, and sounds pretty similar to the lead, but the song doesn’t control him. He still controls it. I think it’s beautiful, and shows exactly where Kris would fit in the industry and Randy agrees. He then changes his tune a bit (sucking up to Kara per se?), when she says she wished he’d taken more of a risk and maybe played without the piano or with his acoustic guitar. She’s kind of being hard tonight, and it seems like she’s positioning herself to be the new Simon Cowell. (Did you hear his contract is up, and he may not renew it? But she could never be as genuine or hilarious. Oye! Don’t go!) Paula didn’t like one bum note, which I believe I caught but didn’t care one bit about. Simon doesn’t really diss or praise him, but laments Kara for picking the song and then complaining he didn’t do something different than the song she chose for him. See, Kara is not replacement for the Cowell.

Adam’s song this week from Simon is U2’s “One”. I’m eager to see what he does with the song, and if he can make me like him before he’s in the finals, as I am vehemently campaigning against him. But I will say, in terms of pipes, if anyone can pull of such a huge and haunting song, he probably has the best shot. (Oh my! Was that a compliment coming out of my mouth for Adam?)

(Side note: Apparently, this song was not in the AI repertoire, but since Simon just knew it was the perfect song, he had to call up Bono and get permission personally. Oh what a sexy braggart you are!)

I like how he starts the song which is soft and low, but that’s probably because I hate it when he squeals like a madman, no matter how insane it is that most men and women can’t even hit some of those notes. When he starts to wail, I start to lose it since I really do love this song. Plus I swear there are a ton of flat and sharp notes in there! Randy thinks he rocked it, but didn’t like his arrangement. Kara kisses his butt again. Paula declares him the American Idol, and Simon says it’ll be the biggest AI upset ever if he’s not in the finals.

On the second go round, Danny chooses “You Are So Beautiful” by Joe Cocker. This song IS so beautiful, and he sits back on a stool for some soft crooning. You can tell this is his choice as it’s actually good. He holds back and lets his voice do the telling, and I like this reserved side of him better than the Danny-go-wild side. He crescendos towards the middle but it’s not all over the place and ends soft and sweet. He has a great voice; there’s no denying it, and like Randy says, Danny can really sing. Kara says that this song had everything she was looking for from him in the first song. Paula is stunned, and although Simon didn’t love the arrangement, he though it was a “vocal master class.” Haven’t heard that critique in a while! He may have put himself back in the running, but we need to hear the final performances to know if it was enough.

Kris chooses Kanye West’s“Heartless,” which is officially a hip hop song, but was also covered by The Fray. He pulls out his guitar and starts doing his Jason Mraz thing which he can now claim as his official, badass Kris thing after this performance. It’s smooth and cool and just plain amazing. I think I rewound it three times. I definitely downloaded it on iTunes and made my fiancé watch it. (He loved it also by the way.) Randy says that it’s even better than the original and The Fray version, and I have to absolutely agree. I wish it was more than 1:17 minutes on my iTunes. Kara wished he’d done that to “Apologize.” Paula this Kris is relevant, and Simon said, he’d written him out after the first song but that changed his mind. Yes! After this one, I’m officially on the Kris bandwagon. It’s been a rough battle between he and Danny from the start, but now there’s no denying it.

To close out the night, Adam chooses Aerosmith’s “Cryin’.” This song and “Crazy” are among my favorites from the early 9. I wish he hadn’t. He ruined this song for me. Okay, maybe not ruined because Steven Tyler on this song is just too great to ever be ruined, but it’s pitchy and the harmonies with the back-up singers are off, and then he’s screaming. There are a few cool, crazy notes, but I’m done. The judges once again, aren’t listening to the same performance as I am since Randy thinks he’s the best thing ever to come to American Idol. Kara can’t believe he hit those notes which is odd because he didn’t hit all of them. Paula think if Steven Tyler were his mentor for this performance, he would have nothing to say, and Simon goes one step further saying he won’t kiss his butt (riiiiiiight!) because upsets happen when butts are kissed too much since we all assume everyone else will vote for that person.  He says that Adam deserves to be in the finals and basically puts the call out to vote for this kid.

I will say, overall, it was the best final three American Idol ever. Maybe a little anticlimactic but vocally ridiculous. I’m pretty sure now, after hearing the final two songs, that Danny’s “You Are So Beautiful” can’t redeem him enough to make it through, especially after last week’s horrid performance.

THE RESULT

We kick off the show with a huge Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian plug from Ben Stiller and the other cast mates. It’s funny but not funny enough. I KNOW the movie will be funnier than this. It has to be. The first one was so good, and the previews look great.

We’re then treated to a visit by the beautiful and talented singer-songwriter-musical instrument playing Alicia Keys, who introduces the organization Keep A Child Alive. (This is there way of continuing American Idol Gives Back, without having to shell out a ton of dough this season, clearly!) Noah, a 15-year old Rwandan rapper,who looks like he’s 10, sings a cover of R. Kelly’s “The World’s Greatest” with some international backup singers, some African flair and some crazy dancing. (I suppose if some African teen came to visit America and saw all the kids grinding they’d be a little weirded out too.)

Oh, damn! I forget that there’s all this talk, talk, talk before we actually get to hear results. Fortunately, this week’s talk consists of the hometown visits and I love the awed expressions on the finalists’ faces they see how much support they have out there.

We get to see Danny in Milwaukee, Kris in Arkansas and Adam in San Diego. (East coast really didn’t represent this year, did they?) Anyone else notice that besides that ride in the car, Kris’s wife looked really, really upset? I don’t know how well she’ll be able to handle having a famous husband that everyone wants to bed, but I think she’s already starting to realize that sharing isn’t that fun.

Jordin Sparks performs some song about love being a battlefield, but not THAT love is a battlefield song. She clearly just stole the metaphor and made it into a bad pop tune. She also doesn’t sound too great tonight. I remember her voice being so much bigger, but I suppose pop will reel you in. She looks fantastic however!

Katy Perry doesn’t look so fantastic except that haircut is KILLER. Loving it. Otherwise, she looked like she should be officiating a wedding in Las Vegas with her showgirl-esque Elvis costume. She sings her song “Waking Up In Vegas,” which I love to sing to but hate to listen to live apparently. She always seems like she running out of breath.

But finally it’s time to find out the results. First save is……Kris! What? Really? Yes! Could it be? Could my dreams of a Danny-Kris battle which Kris would clearly win, really be coming true? (I mean I love Danny, but like Melinda Doolittle’s season, she had the pipes, but no one knew exactly what kind of artist she’d be and so she was out third. And Kris has the little girl vote on lock.)
Could a big shocker be waiting after the commercial break? I hoped, but my mind told me, ‘Nisi, you’ve already predicted what’s going to happen. Just be happy that Kris made it through.’

And my mind was right. Adam is sent through, and we have our American Idol final two. Both are bound to be successful no matter who wins, but when you’re in a competition, you always want the top title.

O! O! O! There were also about 84 million votes cast. Insanity. I can’t wait for next week to hear what songs they chose to sings and who performs on the biggest American Idol finale EVER.

Season 8, Episodes 36 & 37: Top 3: Performances & Top 3: Results (originally aired May 12 and 13, 2009)

For more on the Top 3 Performances and Results, read Kris Allen??!! by Amanda Walker.

For more on American Idol, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Fox Broadcasting Company.

Lost: Destiny’s Child

It’s been said before, including by both myself and J.B., that the Lost of today is pretty much unrecognizable as the same show that debuted back in 2004. Remember when extras used to drown just because it was weird and scary to live on a beach? Remember when Sayid had to torture people because there wasn’t enough asthma medicine to go around? Remember when the smoke monster used to be scary, and the Others used to whisper, and you used to feel sorry for Jack because, gosh darn it, leadership was such a challenge?

I mean, yeah, the sets are mostly the same (except that there are houses now, and everyone knows all the paths through the jungle really well, and sometimes they drive around in jeeps). And the cast is the same (well, except for the half dozen who’ve been killed off, and the other dozen who weren’t even on the original plane but have somehow wormed their way into the Emmy consideration process). But no one ever told us back then that this show wasn’t even about those guys. It was about a group of random people who’ve lived in a jungle for 100 years for reasons we have yet to be told, and another group of less-random people, all of whom are now dead, who used to wear jumpsuits and weigh out polar bear poop.

None of which is bad, from my point of view. I remember when critics used to speculate that the creators wouldn’t be able to think of enough stories to carry Lost past the first year, given this show’s premise. And maybe that was a valid criticism. One could argue that we’ve arrived at this point, where characters are deconstructing nuclear weapons and setting cute immortal dudes on fire and being threatened by smoke monsters inhabiting the form of their dead daughters, out of desperation on the part of Cuse and Lindelof et al. It’s entirely possible that they realized after that really very uneventful first half of season 1 (remember the episode where they all played golf for an hour?) that they’d written themselves into a corner and they’d better make up some mythology, and soon, or else risk being a laughing stock at decades of upfronts to come.

But anyway, the reason I bring all this up is, this episode – the Lost season 5 finale – is told from the point of view of Jacob, a heretofore unseen and uninteresting character, whose back story and motives aren’t even hinted at in this entire two-hour television event. And presumably next season will be all about this new guy. Which is also not necessarily bad. I maintain that the addition of Dawn to the cast of season 5 Buffy was an excellent decision on Joss’s part. But, all I’m saying is, Richard isn’t the only one making this up as he goes along (and doing a darn fine job of it).

The basics:

• In the teaser, we see two new guys dressed up as Robinson Crusoe speaking in contemporary American English dialects hanging out on the island, watching an 18th-century-ish ship (presumably the Black Rock) approach. It’s a cool scene, which ends with the revelation that one of the guys is Jacob, and the other guy wants to kill him. All right then.
• In 2007, Locke leads Ben, Sun, Richard, and the Others to go see Jacob, who lives in the giant foot. They spend most of the episode walking around, during which Ben reveals to Locke that the smoke monster, playing the role of Alex, ordered Ben to do whatever Locke said. Which I had totally forgotten about, so thanks Ben. So Locke orders Ben to kill Jacob for him. Ben turns into a sniveling whiny little boy, which I suppose was bound to happen eventually, but he does indeed manage to stab Jacob a couple of times. As per usual, we’re not told whether this means Jacob is actually dead (although Locke does set him on fire for good measure).
• Also in 2007, Ilana, Bram, and their dudes, with Frank along for company (and doing his best Adam Lambert with his shirt unbuttoned down to here), tote their box around the jungle until they find Richard, who alone knows what lies in the shadow of the statue. (It’s a bunch of pretty syllables that J.B. assures me are Latin.) Then they dump out the contents of the box, and it’s Locke, looking awfully dead after all. Dun dun dun!
• And for our main plot: In 1977, Jack, still determined to set off the bomb and prevent the “incident” at the Swan station, high-tails it out of Dharmaville, with the help of Miles, Jin, Hurley, and Sayid (the latter of whom gets shot in the stomach for his trouble). Meanwhile, Kate convinces Juliet and Sawyer to break off the submarine with her and stop Jack from setting off the bomb. When they meet up with Jack’s crew, Sawyer and Jack engage in some time-filling and fan-satisfying fisticuffs. Then everyone changes their minds and decides to go along with the bombing plan, and it’s explained but it doesn’t make sense so I’m not going to try to re-explain it. Then they go to the Swan site, where the incident has already begun thanks to Radzinsky being a psycho (the valiant Dr. Chang tries and fails to stop him). There’s some shooting, and then Jack tries to set off the bomb, but it doesn’t go off. Stuff starts getting sucked into the giant magnet vortex well (I don’t know, I’m just reporting here), including Juliet, who gets lassoed in there by some chains. Despite Sawyer’s best efforts to save her, she lands at the bottom of the well, where she uses her last breaths to pound on the nuke with a rock, which finally sets it off. Fade to white. End of season.

The good:

• Rose and Bernard are found! They didn’t vanish after all. They’ve been hiding out in a tent they constructed, hanging out with Vincent and letting their hair grow out. They want nothing to do with the Dharmas, or anyone else. Rose and Bernard rock.
• Ilana also rocks. And it looks like she’ll be a regular next season! She got her very own flashback this week (or her right eye did, anyway).
• I’ve never mentioned this before, but it’s been the case for some time now: I love how Richard dresses. I love his little tucked-in button-downs and his man bags. I think the main mystery I want to see resolved next year is why he showed up that one time in season 3 with crazy hair and a muddy tunic. Had he just finished killing Robin Hood?

The bad:

• We get lots of flashbacks to important moments in various characters’ lives – the day Jin and Sun got married, the day of Sawyer’s parents’ funeral, the day Kate shoplifted her very first NKOTB lunchbox, etc. With one exception (Hurley’s), these were pointless time-fillers (and fan-satisfiers). What made them different from previous time-filler flashbacks is that Jacob made an appearance in all of them (except for the especially pointless Juliet’s), thus establishing that Jacob knew all these people before they came to the island. But again not telling us anything about Jacob himself, except that he’s old, and cute, and good at acting kind. Which is interesting, sure, but I am very much over Lost flashbacks, and was thoroughly unmoved. Although the child actress playing Lil’ Kate was actually better than Evangeline Lilly.
• Apparently Sayid’s stint in the Iraqi military, in which he learned how to torture and how to use any electronic communication device ever (oh, and how to speak English), also included lessons in interpreting complicated physics notations and configuring thermonuclear devices. Whatever.
• Lost season finales are traditionally not that great. They always seem to involve lots and lots of walking around in the jungle, mixed with a few action scenes and cryptic flashbacks, and they always end with moments that seem really significant and yet are still no more than an unsatisfying question mark. This episode followed that precedent. And even though next season is the last, I bet the season 6 finale will be much the same. Because they have to fill up the two hours, and the big stuff can’t happen until the last fifteen minutes, and the only other stuff they can think of to do is have people randomly shoot and/or make eyes at each other. That’s okay though; the season premieres are always good.

Where we are now:

• The real Locke is dead, or something. The guy walking around in Locke’s body (the one that isn’t dead) is some other dude, who’s really old. This dude, however, is just as smarmy as Locke if not smarmier, so I really do not care about this development. But others might, and so I mention it.
• Back in 1977, the incident has happened, and the bomb has gone off. We have no idea, though, if anyone died (well, Juliet and Phil probably did), or if the bomb interfered with the incident or will prevent Oceanic 815 from crashing. How awesome would it be if it did prevent the crash, and next season we got to watch everybody just hanging out in L.A., wearing great clothes and not knowing each other? Or, better yet, if everyone on the island got killed by the bomb, and we spent the whole season watching Desmond and Penny and Charlie sail around while Mr. Widmore and Ms. Hawking make grumpy sounds at each other? I would so watch that show.

Anyway, thanks for joining us for the ride that was Lost season 5. Till next time, remember: When destiny comes knocking, just pretend you’re not home.

Season 5, Episodes 16 & 17: The Incident (originally aired May 13, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Ille qui nos omnes servabit by J.B. Perlow.

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Lost: Ille qui nos omnes servabit

You got no money, and you, you got no home
Spinning wheel all alone
Talking about your troubles and you, you never learn
Ride a painted pony
let the spinning wheel turn

We end the fifth season of Lost by finally meeting the two chess masters behind the game known as The Island: Jacob and Other Guy (Esau?).  Jacob, the being who spins out threads like the Fates, has been calling people to the Island for a fish dinner and for other purposes we do not yet know.  Jacob believes in the goodness and potential of man and his free will.  As examples of his belief in free will and his comforting nature, we see flashbacks where he intervenes in the pre- or post-Island lives of Kate, Sawyer, Jack, Sun and Jin, Sayid, Hurley, and Locke.

Other Guy, however, looks to the evil in men’s hearts, and hates Jacob for his optimistic ways.  In fact, Other Guy would like nothing more than to kill Jacob.  And for some time, he’s been the one living in (and haunting) Jacob’s cabin, while Jacob has been at the beachhouse in a chamber under the remaining foot of the four-toed statue.

In 1977, the castaways struggle within and without over whether to detonate the nuclear device.  Quickfire Jack is going to make this happen even if he needs to overcome a wounded Sayid, a fist fight with Sawyer (bitter about Juliet making him go back from the submarine), and more awkwardness with Kate.  Ultimately they make it to the Swan Station just as the drill hits the pocket of energy and starts to draw all metallic objects into its depths.  Jack throws the bomb in the well but nothing happens.  Instead, Juliet is tangled in chains and, after a very moving farewell attempt with Sawyer, she plummets to her apparent death.  Meanwhile, Miles saves his father after Dr. Chang’s left arm is crushed.  (Note that Radzinsky the psychopath escapes unharmed.)  The castaways are left above ground wondering what to do next when we cut to Juliet on the floor of the well next to the undetonated nuclear bomb.  She grabs a rock and, faster than you can say “son of bitch,” detonates the device.

In 2007, Locke, Ben, Richard, and the Others make their way to the statue and Locke and Ben go inside to meet Jacob.  Ben is furious that he has given so much to the Island but was never allowed to meet or talk to Jacob.  (Ben admits he made up everything he told Locke about Jacob.)  But Locke has been the leader for only a few days and he is immediately granted an audience with Jacob.  After Ben asks Jacob, “What about me,” and is told, “What about you,” Ben follows Locke’s instruction and stabs Jacob multiple times in the chest.

At this point Ilana, Bram, and some other guys arrive outside the statue and show Richard that they have Locke’s body in their crate, meaning that’s not Locke inside with Jacob.  Oh yes, it’s Other Guy in Locke’s form (“Faux-cke”) and he’s found a loophole to kill Jacob.  With that, Faux-cke kicks Jacob into the fire and Jacob says, “They’re coming.”  Cut to white, not our traditional black.

So was this a variable that changed time and the castaways never came to the Island?  I remain doubtful.  I still believe, as Miles posited, that they caused the actual incident they were trying to prevent, and at the time of detonation, they were transported ahead in 2007.  They are the ones “coming” that Jacob mentioned before he fell into the flames.  Only unlike the last time they were on the present-day Island, they have all grown and overcome their personal failings and insecurities that haunted them in their past and that caused Jacob to first intervene in their lives: Kate and her reckless behavior (and penchant for NKOTB lunchboxes), Sawyer and his inability to connect emotionally with another person (and finish writing letters), Jack and his insecurities (and need for Apollo Bars ), Sun and Jin taking their love for granted, Sayid’s dehumanization of others for his own survival, Hurley’s “special gifts” (including Charlie’s guitar case), and Locke’s need for acceptance.  And yes, that means I think the real Locke will be back and bringing Jacob with him.

As Widmore told us, the war between followers of Jacob and followers of the Other Guy is coming.  Who is on which side and who will win?  We’ll find out in the last 13 episodes of Lost, beginning in January 2010.  Until then, I’ll be spending the summer on the beach discussing the best season yet of Lost with my pals Bernard, Rose, and Vincent . . . at least until they become the Adam & Eve skeletons in the cave.

For my initial reaction to the episode, check out the latest edition of The J Factor.  And for you Latin novices, the title (and Richard’s correct answer to the riddle “What lies in the shadow of the statue?”) means “He who will protect/save us all.”

Season 5, Episodes 16 & 17: The Incident (originally aired May 13, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Destiny’s Child by Robin Reed.

For more on Lost, click here.

Wednesdays, 9/8c on ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

30 Rock: What are you talking about? It’s May.

It’s season finale week on 30 Rock, and we all know what that means: Alan Alda needs a kidney.  He can’t harvest hobo organs, he’s too old for the waiting lists, and according to the always reliable Dr. Spaceman, his newly discovered bastard child isn’t a match. What’s a TV legend to do? He might not live long enough to finish his three-volume Jimmy Carter biography, From Peanut to President!

Well, when your bastard child is Jack Donaghy, you host a charity kidney telethon, of course. After all, Jack’s such an important television man, he’s got the whole liberal media establishment at his disposal (hey, it worked for Rainstorm Katrina). And once you’ve got Clay Aiken (aka Kenneth’s cousin) and Elvis Costello (aka international art thief Declan McManus) on board, plus the support of the Loch Ness monster-seeking Mary J. Blige Foundation, it’s a done deal. Not to mention Jack’s secret European friends Sheryl Crow and Adam Levine (‘allo!). And the end of the episode, with Cyndi Lauper and a bunch of people I didn’t recognize singing an homage to the Jimmy Kimmel/Ben Affleck video of old, is really just icing. We’re never told the outcome of the telethon, but I think it’s safe to say Professor Alda’s getting his kidney, now!

Meanwhile, Tracy has been invited to speak at the graduation ceremony for his old school, Frank Lucas High. You’d think Tracy would be all over this – he’s allowed to drop up to five f-bombs, after all – but sadly, he hasn’t overcome his great high school trauma: being ordered to dissect a frog by his drug dealer/science teacher. He cried in front of his whole class, and has vowed never to cry again! (Except for how he cries all the time). But Kenneth tricks him into realizing his own worth – only to have Tracy sob as he accepts an honorary high school diploma and outs the closeted gay and white graduates. But it’s all okay, because now Tracy (and his high school chums Grizz and Dot Com) are going to college, and every single graduate of Tracy’s high school will grow up to become President of the United States. And so began the craziest summer of Kenneth’s life.

Further meanwhile, Liz, now the Funniest Woman in New York, has no choice but to join Jenna on “The Vontella Show“  (it’s okay, Courtney’s dead). Jenna, sadly, is unable to give relationship advice to a woman having a tanning-related emergency (you know how there are no secrets in the tanning community), so Liz steps in – and suddenly, Liz is the most sought-after relationship counselor who couldn’t even bring herself to commit to Jon Hamm in the city. Sadly, though, it ends badly, and we all learn a valuable lesson involving Tracy’s bowels.

Other things we learned this week:

• Liz and Sheryl Crow were best friends and co-kidneys in their fifth-grade school play.
• “Bisexual” is something they invented in the 90s to sell hair products.
• Jenna once did a gig to benefit old gays.
• This country has 600 million kidneys, and we only need about half.
• Tracy has a gun! That he lost!

Lines I resolve to use ASAP:

• Oh, my, that’s very urban.
• What do you think this is, Wings?
• How am I gonna live? I only have 300 million dollars!
• Vontella don’t care who Liz is.

Thanks for reading, y’all. Have a crazy summer, and remember, never badmouth synergy!

Season 3, Episode 22: Kidney Now! (originally aired May 14, 2009)

For more on 30 Rock, click here.

Thursdays at 9:30/8:30C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Jessica Miglio

The Office: Inappropriate

The magic word for this week’s episode of The Office is: Inappropriate.

After selling out last week, Michael, Pam and Ryan were back at Dunder Mifflin and things were getting a bit uncomfortable. For starters, it was Casual Friday, and no one but Toby knows how to dress appropriately.

Andy wore plaid shorts. Pam and Phyllis wore the same exact hideous purple outfit. Kelly wore denim, skintight overalls with gold chains, à la J. Lo. And, taking the cake for the most ridiculous casual ensemble, was Meredith, who wore a tiny purple dress that would only be acceptable on a leggy Gossip Girl cast member. Toby, as the HR rep – not because he has a passion for it, but because he married his ex-wife instead of joining the seminary like he planned – had to deal with the outfit. He asked her to pull down the dress, and Meredith flashed us all some boob. (Hey, it wasn’t the first time.) Then she pulled it up, and dammit, Meredith, where are your panties? Inappropriate.

Then there was the standard workplace drama, wherein Michael gave a bunch of the Dunder Mifflin salesmen (and woman)’s clients to new salespeople Pam and Ryan. Needless to say, Dwight, Stanley, Andy, and Phyllis were miffed. Dwight decided to hold a secret meeting. To let the sales staff know about the meeting he gave them all a memo with invisible ink they’d have to heat to see. Where’d he get invisible ink? It was urine. Urine! – which he put in Ryan’s coffee cup. Inappropriate.

But since the sales staff is not crazy, not a one of them figured out that they were supposed to heat their memos. Which is weird because I always check my office memos for hidden urine messages. So Dwight called Andy to gather them in the warehouse. Jim, however, was uncomfortable with this meeting against his fiancée – who Phyllis doesn’t like even though she’s pretty and looks like a trout with her mouth open like that – and Jim went up to tell Michael that there might be but definitely is a mutinous meeting going on downstairs.

As punishment, Michael approached the staff when they returned pretending to have been at lunch. In a shockingly smart move, Michael said if they’d gone out to lunch, he, Ryan and Pam could eat the lunches they packed. So Michael, Ryan, and Pam snacked on Stanley’s egg salad, Andy’s salmon salad, and Dwight’s pony meat sandwich. Yes, I said pony. Meanwhile the salesman became more and more disgruntled toward Michael’s favoritism toward Pam and Ryan that Phyllis finally snapped and made Michael feel guilty. Weren’t they all supposed to be a family?

Michael realized he was in the wrong, and responded the only way Michael knows how: with a secret meeting of his own. Inappropriate. After meeting in the warehouse – even though Darryl warned him he wasn’t allowed to make forts down there – Michael promised the salesmen their clients back, but that meant he’d have to let either Pam or Ryan go. To decide Michael discussed the matter with Jim – who can’t be impartial because he’s very close to Ryan and who’s spent his day playing chess with Creed who thinks he’s gay and wants to set him up with his daughter. Inappropriate.

Anyway, Michael and Jim chatted. Michael quite astutely noted that Pam doesn’t always follow through – like with art school and Roy – and not so astutely that her voice is weird. Then Jim slightly admitted that sometimes Pam can be shrill when she’s tired and Michael went off on a “no sex for you” tirade. Jim left, because it was inappropriate.

But Michael had to make a decision. Who would he choose? He invited Pam into his office and told her he’d be hiring Ryan. Pam got teary but took it well, until Michael started laughing. He was only joking, he gave her the job, and Ryan got his old temp job. Pam didn’t think Michael should fake fire people anymore, but Michael thought she should send in the new secretary, Erin. Then he fake fired her because no one in the office likes her, which wasn’t true, he thinks. Inappropriate.

Season 5, Episode 24: Casual Friday (originally aired April 30, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Chris Haston

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