The Office: Dance Party!

Everybody loves a good impromptu dance party in the middle of the day on the first floor of an industrial building, right? Of course they do. And this week on The Office we got to see one such dance party in all its bumping, grinding, break-dancing gloriousness right in the Scranton office park.

But for every dance party to be a success, you need a great mix. So here’s the top ten Office beats that made this episode the stuff of legends:

10)   “All By Myself” performed by Michael Scott

It’s tough being the boss man. When you’re the boss, people don’t want to have lunch with you – not even people who you used to have lunch with every day at your failed start-up paper company. So you have to eat lunch alone. They also don’t want to come down and hang out in the utility shower room/old Michael Scott Paper Co. headquarters that you’ve turned into a disco café because they all forgot how to have fun during the tyrannical reign of Charles. It’s like they’ve all become office drones, who do work at work, when it used to be like a Dave & Buster’s. Now it’s like Dave died.

9)    “Just a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” cover by Dwight K. Schrute

Erin found a print-out of a map to the county court. Dwight deduced from their silence that everyone was hiding something from him. There are only two reasons to go to court in Ohio if you’re not going to jail: to receive an inheritance or to get a driver’s license at 14 ½ instead of 15. Then he asks to see youthful Erin’s birth certificate. Sure! She went into her purse to get it, because all normal people carry around copies of their birth certificate and produce it whenever their weirdo co-worker asks for it. Who is this girl? (P.S. I hope she’s a new regular.)

8)    “All The Small Things” by the Scranton Branch

All the details in this episode were working perfectly. Creed emerged from the bathroom eating something. Ew. But also a perfect Creed thing to do. Michael’s brown paper lunch bag had his name written on it. Angela didn’t need to bend at all to walk directly under the limbo bar. Oh, and respect the lei.

7)     “Baby Got Back” by Phyllis Lapin-Vance, with special appearance by Dwight

Phyllis was the first to join Michael’s dance party, but quickly threw out her back. Michael couldn’t have a woman writhing around on his floor in the middle of his disco, so Dwight took her up to the conference room and closed the door. He then proceeded to treat her like an injured horse. He cut open her blouse (it wasn’t doing her any favors), massaged her back, and rubbed oil on it to trap the heat and keep the fur water resistant. Good thing Dwight didn’t try to make her into jerky.

6)     “Girls, Girls, Girls” by the Kellys

Kelly Kapoor and Kelly the receptionist that goes by Erin after Charles found it too confusing to have two girls with the same name, get the party started down in the disco café after Michael has given up on it. One of the warehouse guys sees them dancing. He goes back to his friend on the truck and tells him “there are girls in there.” Voila, instant dance party. Erin even invites a friend – again continuing her totally normal behavior. She also snubs Oscar. (Okay, that’s normal.)

5) “You Ain’t Nothing But a Houndog” by Kevin Malone

Angela sent Kevin down to Michael’s disco café (before the girls started the party) to get an answer from him on something. Kevin got sucked in by Michael and tried to make himself an espresso. Angela came to retrieve him, and in the tug of war over Kevin they both treated Kevin like a dog. Michael even offered him a cookie. But Angela eventually took puppy Kevin away when she proved there was no cookie in Michael’s hand.

Then once the party kicked off, Kevin behaved like a different kind of dog altogether. His new lady friend, Lynn, joined him and they were seen in multiple instances slow dancing to the quick music in the background. Later Kevin and Lynn not so subtly make-out. A little gross, but a lot sweet. Good for you, Kevin! You sly dog you!

4) “Whistle While You Work” by Angela Martin

It takes a lot to get Angela in on the fun. She doesn’t approve of the spirit of music. But Michael insists she stay. Then Michael catches her cleaning up and stops her. But how can Michael expect her to have fun if he won’t let her clean?! Oh Angela, dance with Dwight already. She doesn’t, but she does tap her foot in the end.

3) “Bust a Move” a fugue by Kelly Kapoor and Andrew Bernard

How do I explain the dance off that ensued between Andy and Kelly? Let’s just say, Andy incorporated a chair, some jumping jacks, and some sweet old school moves. Kelly got on the chair and did a “Flashdance” inspired routine. It was so good, in the way only truly lame dance routines can be. (See Napoleon Dynamite, Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion, and Mamma Mia!)

2) “Going to the Chapel” a duet by Jim and Pam

In a week full of TV teaser weddings, Jim and Pam also announced that they were getting married. Jim woke up, looked at Pam, and decided he had to marry her that day (that map was theirs). And when he asked her, Pam had just woken up. She did not look cute. That’s how she knew he meant it. But they wouldn’t go through with it because …

1)      “So Happy Together” by The Office

Michael’s grand party scheme worked. Everyone came down and danced, laughed, and had a great time. Jim and Pam also felt they needed to stop in before heading to get married. Watching everyone have a goofy, corny time, they realized they like corny. They want to have a real wedding. And we want to watch it.

Bonus Track: “A Different Kind of Pain” encore by Kelly and Andy

Where: Dunder Mifflin bathroom. Who: Kelly and Andy. What: Piercing Andy’s ear. How: With difficulty. Why: Because how else could that day end?

Season 5, Episode 25: Cafe Disco (originally aired May 7, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC and IMDbPro

The Office: A Picnic to Remember

Thursday night was filled to the brim with memorable season finales. There was Grey’s with Izzie and George in that damn “Denny died” elevator. There was the easily downloadable, kidney-loving, star-packed musical number to finish off 30 Rock. But the ending that will get me through the long TV-drought this summer had neither a big celebrity number nor a particularly surprising twist. It was simple, sweet, and exactly why after 5 seasons and 100 episodes I still love The Office.

But before we get to the grand finale, there was a picnic to be had. For its 100^th episode, The Office gathered up its Dunder Mifflinites from all its branches for a company picnic. Everyone had awesome t-shirts, which are surely available for you to purchase on nbc.com. Meredith was wearing hers tied up to reveal her midriff. Gross (sorry Kate Flannery). Jim and Pam were not planning to stay long. Last year there was a spider in Jim’s mitt, and a drunk guy hit on Pam and tried to grab onto something inappropriate for balance. Pam did not think “those” were for balancing, Jim’s face wasn’t so sure. Dwight brought his longtime friend, Rolf, whom we’re only meeting for the first time, but whom Dwight met when they were buying shoes. Rolf was looking for something which would increase his speed without leaving any tracks. So the criteria to be Dwight’s friend is to have homicidal tendencies — about what I’d expect really. But the big moment at the picnic was the return of fan and Michael favorite, Holly Flax (Amy Ryan).

Holly and Michael were thrown together, both of them deciding they’d put on a musical number for the Dunder Mifflin crowd. Why David Wallace approved of this is still not clear. However, Michael’s real aim was not to put on a show but tell Holly how he feels, that they’re soup snakes – scratch that, soul mates. Only problem was that Holly was there with AJ, her boyfriend and general nice guy, with whom she’s designing a house (that was quick). So Michael and Holly spent some time planning their act, giggling in the grass, making not even close to funny jokes, and proving to everyone watching that these two really were meant to be. All throughout, Michael kept trying to work up the courage to tell Holly how he felt in several Office-patented long pauses à la Jim and Pam circa 2006. But courage or no courage, the show must go on.

Michael and Holly took to the stage for a hilariously horrible rendition of “Slumdunder Mifflinaire” – oh yes, just imagine Michael doing Dev Patel. Needless to say it was hardly funny and probably racist, but hey, Stanley was enjoying it. That is, he was until Michael and Holly accidentally revealed that the Buffalo branch would be closing. The Buffalo branch did not know this. Awkward. David Wallace had to explain the issue to the staff and their families. A little kid asked him if his daddy would have a job for Christmas, but you know the kid was just worried about his own presents.

Meanwhile, on the volleyball court, the Scranton Branch was kicking butt. Turned out Pam played volleyball in junior high, in high school, maybe in college, and maybe even went to volleyball camp every summer. She may have also raised the roof. Jim and even Dwight are impressed. On the sidelines, however, Dwight’s friend was berating Angela for being a whore with awesome math equations, and Charles was continuing to taunt Jim about being a lazy employee taking a rest from his rest. Anyone else want to punch Charles? I was really hoping someone would, but instead I had to settle for Dwight confronting his buddy and telling him to leave Angela alone, followed by a glorious Angela-rekindling-the-Dwight-love look. I think it just may be time for a Dee and Monkey reunion! Alas, I must wait for next season for that.

Back on the court things were getting tight. In their match against corporate the score was tied up – until Kevin starting talking to the cameras and got hit in the head with a volleyball. Then they were down. Then they were back up. Dwight and Jim hugged (wee!). Then Pam fell when going for the ball, possibly twisting her ankle. Always the opportunist, Charles suggested that Pam seek medical attention. Pam said she was fine, but Charles insisted. He just wanted their best player out of the game (a jerk and a coward!). Jim protested, unwilling to let horrible Charles and his fruity drink win, but Jim finally gave in, swept Pam off her feet (aw!), and rushed her off to a nearby hospital to quickly get looked at. On the court, Dwight would stall. And stall he would.

Off in a different corner, Michael was continuing to stall on telling Holly of his affection. In the end, she left with AJ and Michael let it go. He smiled with awkward, unrequited love in his eyes, and told her they’d have a lot of material for next year’s sketch. Then in one of Michael’s best talking heads, he revealed The Office‘s grand master plan. He said maybe Holly was with someone this year, and maybe he’d be with someone next year, but they were meant to be. They’d find each other eventually and be happy forever. (Sound like any other couple on the show?) Well, we have our new will-they-or-won’t-they couple to tensely watch with bated breath, because our other will-they-or-won’t-they couple, definitely, definitely will.

At the hospital, Pam was getting wheeled around for a quick x-ray. She worried about being able to get back to the game on time while Jim and Dwight conversed via cell phone on stalling strategies.  Finally Jim thought they’d be able to get back to the game. The doc was just calling him in for an update. Jim went into the exam room (with mercifully large glass windows) and the doc told them something.

We never hear a word of the announcement – though we all know what it was. It wasn’t a shocking twist, just a sweet, authentic, and deliciously sentimental moment between two characters we’ve watched fall in love over the past five years. I love the genius of The Office‘s decision to never let us hear the announcement – and I won’t say it here either. It was a moment that we just got to peek in on. From the shocked bewilderment, to the hug, to the sweet kiss on the cheek, to Jim’s inability to suppress his smile or stop tearing up when he calls Dwight to tell him to send in the subs, it was pure joy. What a perfect way to start the summer.

(Final plea: Would someone give John Krasinski an Emmy already? He was just flawless. Wow.)

Season 5, Episode 26: Company Picnic (originally aired May 14, 2009)

For more on The Office, click here.

Thursdays, 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Chris Haston

The Fashion Show: All the Bang, Half the Bucks

God, I hope this crap is better tonight.

The awful theme music returns, much to my dismay.

OMG, it’s five seconds into the show, and Kristen is already crying.  Wait!  She says that it’s in her best interest to leave the show, and she’s out.  Hallelujah!  I’m one person closer to never having to write a recap of this garbage again.

Welcome to the workroom, and Isaac tells these people that they are going to work in the same teams.  Because Team Tube Dress is down two people (Johnny got the boot, and Kristen is a quitter), last week’s winner will pick someone from Team Bolero Jacket to be sent to Team Tube Dress.

James-Paul picks Daniella to go.  Merlin – in a pink space hat and matching pink Stevie Nicks shawl – is ecstatic.

Harper’s Bazaar mini challenge.  God, it’s Lauren Brown again.  She sucks.

The mini challenge theme is: Wearability and Saleability.  Saleability is not a word, Fashion Show Producers.  Each team will get a box containing high end and low end items.  They have to parse them out and dress one of the two mannequins in the “bank” items and the other in “budget” items.  Team Hammer Pants starts, and it takes them three times to get it right.  The other teams do it, too.  All of this is timed.  This is so dumb.  I’m here to watch fashion designers, not some lame show about people wanting to be the next Hollywood Montrose.

I forgot who won.  The teams elect their leaders for tonight, and the leaders are:  James-Paul, Anna, and Haven.

They are designing for Tinsley Mortimer, a NY socialite, and they have to come up with four looks each.  The budget is $40 or less per look.  James-Paul’s team gets an extra $10 per look because apparently they won that stupid mini challenge.

Apparently, Tinsley Mortimer’s hair is her trademark.  I have never heard of this woman, so she needs a new trademark.  Anyway, the hairstyle counts in the judging, too.

You know it’s a bad show when you are more into the commercials than the episode.

When we return, we are watching as one team looks for two words to describe Tinsley Mortimer:  “Fake ass?”  “Why famous?” “Nature’s mistake?” James-Paul says, “Stealth Fighter.”  That’s their theme for his team’s look.

Everyone hates Laura’s red tulle fabric that she’s going to layer over her black dress. She says that everyone is ganging up on her.  Everyone should be because that red tulle is straight up hooker.

Johnny’s bragging about having two lines of clothes, but he says that he’s used to having sewers do the sewing for him.  Anna is making a pretty hot little skirt with pleating down the front.   Reco says, “Markus.  He don’t have one piece made.”    But Reco is proud of himself because he’s right on track.  His reward is that he meets with the TRESemmé hair lady, Jeanie Syfu.

Isaac and Kelly come into the workroom to socialize.  First, they ask James-Paul what his theme is.  He replies, “stealth fighter” and Isaac and Kelly look at him like he is crazy.  Isaac does not seem down with Angel’s paper airplanes dress.

Haven explains that she is going for a 1980s YSL/Linda Evans look.  That makes sense because she looks like Lucy from Dallas.  Laura is still trying to work in that hideous red tulle.

Team Anna is going for something built around electric blue fabric.  Kelly is skeptical of every word that comes out of Daniella’s mouth.

Isaac and Kelly have their pre-scripted conversation outside of the workroom.

WAIT.  Johnny is telling us that he has a crush on Markus because he looks like his boyfriend.  As I indicated last week, Johnny looks like Roseanne (from Season 2).  Markus, on the other hand, is generically, but universally, attractive.  Maybe Johnny’s boyfriend is . . . a chubby chaser, maybe?  I don’t know, but the images running through my mind do not get me hot and bothered.

Two hours to the fashion show!  Johnny is worried that his chubby-chaser-boyfriend-look-alike is not gonna make it.  Reco makes fun of Markus’s fancy schooling, and he described Markus’s work as a “a one-way ticket to home, honey.”

It’s time for the fashion show.  Everyone says that everyone’s got problems.  Reco is duct taping Johnny’s model’s boobie in the dress.  The guest judges are people I never heard of and that Michelle Obama doesn’t wear.

Team James-Paul.  Angel’s outfit looks pretty good; the paper airplanes are not really visible – thank goodness.  Merlin’s is a little pink dress that he describes as a Mercedes.  James-Paul’s dress looks all sorts of wrong, with weird angles jutting out everywhere.  Lidia has given us a long black dress with pink piping in different places.  This runway is the cheapest looking set piece ever.  See?  On Project Runway, they don’t try to make it something it’s not.  This crap looks like crap, but they pretend like it looks like fashion week in Milan.

Anna’s team starts with her design, and it is the bomb! It has horizontal pleating down the front of the metallic skirt, and it is paired with a blue top.  Andrew’s design has cool shoulders and a blue detail at the bottom.  Daniella’s is a little jumpsuit with shorts and a sheer jacket.  It really looks pretty good.  Keith’s design is a hot mess. It’s an awful sack.   Keith thinks the fabrications look really rich.  I guess he likes fancy sacks.  The camera cuts to some man half-heartedly clapping in the audience.  You and me both, friend.

Johnny’s design is a little weird.  There is a big flowered loop wrapping around her, and the judges can see the safety pins on her gown.  Markus’s gown is awful.  It looks like a diaper on the bottom and paper towels on the top.  Haven’s garment is quite cute with a little top and short shorts.  Laura’s design is that black dress with some of that foolish red tulle in a ruffle around the bottom.  Reco’s gown is sorta strange, like something Blanche Devereaux would wear to the Rusty Anchor .  Backstage, Reco gives Laura the country beatdown for using the red for a ruffle at the bottom.

We inch closer to the end of this show as judging begins.  Tinsley Mortimer is helping with the judging.  How old is Tinsley?  Wikipedia says that she is 32, but she looks at least ten years older because of the heavy makeup and plastic surgery.  The audience chose the winning teams from the fashion show, and they chose Anna’s team.  Yeah, they were the best.  Anna’s look and Daniella’s look were chosen as the top two individual looks on the team.  Daniella is the winner, and she says that she needs to remember not to doubt herself.  You can buy her garbage on bravtotv.com.

James-Paul’s team is safe, so Haven’s team is the LOSER.  Haven talks about how she was going for an ’80s glamour look.  Isaac said that he didn’t see Linda Evans.  The worst looks were Markus and Laura . . . and Johnny.  Three!  Markus’s ugly dress is savaged.  One of the models said that Laura’s model looked homeless, and Tinsley, like everyone else, hates the tulle.  Isaac was most disturbed by Johnny’s look because everyone saw the safety pins.  Isaac tells him, “You cannot give us bad construction.”  Johnny talks about how he is not a seamstress, and he is not here to be “America’s Next Best Seamstress.”  Johnny says, if they don’t like it, they should send him home.

Isaac is wearing the cutest blue leather loafers with white trim.  I covet them.

Isaac is livid at Johnny backstage, telling everyone to restrain him.  Everyone hates Laura’s look, and Markus gets the obligatory diaper comment from the judges.

Markus is safe, and he very dramatically says, “Thank you.”  Laura is given the big kiss off.  EVERYONE TOLD YOU NOT TO USE TO THE RED TULLE, FOOL!  Isaac and Kelly use their lame cliché catchphrases to give Laura the boot and tell Johnny to get it together.

Well, we made it through another episode.  I’m gonna need to get drunk for this show if it’s not going to improve, so, if you can’t understand next week’s recap, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Season 1, Episode 2: All the Bang, Half the Bucks (originally aired May 14, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal

Fringe: There’s More Than One of Everything

This is it, kids! The season finale of Fringe’s first season! And our chance to pile up the answers to all of our burning questions.

Gosh, I hope you’re not really expecting answers.

First! When last we left the Fringe-ettes, Doc Bishop hopped on The Observer train to Lord knows where, and Nina Sharp left a rendezvous with Broyles only to end up attacked in her own apartment building. New York security leaves much to be desired apparently. What I thought was a tranquilizer attack was actually Robert David Jones (yay!) shooting Nina in the chest, and then violating her mechanical arm by stealing its power cell. The most powerful power cell in the world! It can do anything, and according to Nina, Jones plans to use the cell to skip between dimensions to find William Bell.

That’s right! “Belly” is in that alternative reality we keep hearing so much about, and Jones plans to hunt him down to kill him – possibly for not recognizing how brilliant Jones was while he was still an employee of Massive Dynamic. It seems a little pedestrian, but sure. Jones is also dying from the effects of his Star Trek-like transporter-jump. Maybe I should have known then that we were in for alternative realities, since that’s how they first started in the Star Trek universe. I apologize, fans, I should have been more of a geek about that one.

So! Jones uses the power cell from Nina’s arm to activate a device which opens “windows” to an alternate reality. Jones, however, has a problem: he can’t find the right location to stabilize the window; he starts in New York and transports a truck from the Other dimension to ours before the window collapses. Then he heads to Rhode Island for another attempt. This time shears off the upper body of a guy playing soccer. Penalty? Finally, he finds the perfect location at Reiden Lake, and it’s there that he heads in order to stabilize his window.

But hot on his tail is Olivia! She’s able to triangulate the location of Jones’s next attempt, so she grabs Charlie Francis and his old man cap, and she’s off to Reiden Lake!

But we shall not forget the trials and tribulations of Doc Bishop and Peter. The Observer whisks Doc away to the old Bishop family beach house by way of a cemetery. There, Doc spends a few tearful moments with a gravestone. But whose??? At the beach house, The Observer prompts Doc to find “the thing.” Peter arrives and helps jog Doc’s memory with a surprisingly touching story about pancakes shaped like whales. Doc takes a moment to reiterate the alternative dimension theory and that he and William Bell spent time trying to find a way to access this other dimension without the use of LSD (for example, through the Cortexaphan trials). He says that he lost something in this world that was precious to him many years ago, and he wanted to go to that other world to bring it back. He also reminds us how Peter was sick all the time as a child. So…guess where this is going?

Doc finds his “thing” – a small box, or “patch,” that was designed to plug the holes between this dimension and the other one. Peter and Doc head to Reiden Lake to plug the biggest hole of all … [insert your own innuendo here]

Where they bump into Olivia and the FBI! These crazy kids – they all look surprised to see each other. Jones interrupts their reunion when he activates his device and stabilizes the window. A fight ensues, where the FBI kills Jones’s accomplices while Jones attempts to enter the window. Olivia shoots him twice with no effect – he’s dying, but is, apparently, otherwise invincible. He starts to enter the window with Olivia ready to dive in after him, but Peter appears and activates the plug, immediately closing the window and killing Jones by cutting him in half. Again, this is awesome, but also disappointing, because Jones was the coolest character all season. Not to mention, don’t we all want to see what lies in the shadow of the statue? Er, rather, don’t we all want to see what lies on the other side of that window? Maybe next season, we’ll meet Jones’s evil doppelganger from the alternate reality!

But we’re not done! What’s a season finale without some closure and a cliffhanger? (Don’t get your hopes up on either count.)

First, Doc disappears from his lab again, but this time, he leaves willingly and supplies a note, so Peter doesn’t worry. We catch up with Doc back at the cemetery as he grieves again over the same gravestone. This time we see the name: Peter Bishop, 1978 – 1985. How many people got that right? Predictable, yes, but at least this time, the predictability was interesting.

At the Federal Building in Boston, Broyles orders Olivia off her investigation of Bell, per his orders from above. Though angry, Olivia is comforted by a call from Nina Sharp to arrange a meeting with William Bell as reward for Olivia’s having saved his life. Olivia ends up at a hotel in New York, where it may or may not be relevant that she almost gets into a car crash on the drive in. Bell and Nina stand her up, but the elevator ride to the lobby and the exit turns into a freaky ride with a little Fringe flair. One second, Olivia is alone; the next, people share a packed elevator with her. Then she’s alone again, and the elevator doors open into a pristine white hallway. A woman directs her to an office. In walks a man bathed in shadow, and this is the least surprising part of the entire season because we all know who it is, and we all know who the actor is. Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Leonard Nimoy as William Bell! He says he’s been waiting quite a long time for this, and looks happy to see her. She asks where she is, but that’s complicated. She turns and looks out the window: the camera pulls away to reveal that Olivia is, in fact, in NYC…in an office in one of the Twin Towers, which are still standing in the heart of downtown NYC. Creepy!

So – alternative realities: hate to love them or love to hate them? What is the connection between Nina and Broyles? Was it me, or were there a few meaningful glances shared between them? Does he know what’s really going on? What about Peter’s favor to Nina? Have we (hopefully) seen the last of Rachel and her daughter? Will Jasika Nicole’s claims at ComicCon that her character is truly an integral part of the show ever be justified? Is Leonard Nimoy the most popular man in the sci-fi genre working today?

And with that, Fringe fans, we close Chapter 1, as we realize that we haven’t received a whole lot of answers, but at least the producers brought all the cool characters back and advanced the one storyline we’ve all been watching for. As a single episode, the creators put together a tight, well-edited and well-told story, possibly the best all season. In fact, were they to stick to this style every week, they’d really have a nice piece of work even with slightly weaker, filler stories. Despite all that goes on, the story never feels rushed, and we even have a few nice moments of character development that aren’t sacrificed for effects or plot.

As a new show and full season, I would say that I enjoyed where Fringe went, even if I had to wait for it through episodes that started to hit the boring mark. I understand the need for stand-alone stories in order to draw in the casual viewer. But there must be a balance between catering to the newbies while still rewarding the die-hard fans. Fringe occasionally finds it, and I shouldn’t hold it against them my preference for serialized shows. Although, I probably will.

Back to a question I’ve asked before: is this a good show? I think so. The writing occasionally has its glaring holes or becomes too repetitive, and sometimes the writers take the easy way out. But when they put together a good story, the show is great. They have also created a number of incredible characters – also a couple of really clichéd and useless characters (Peter, Exposition) – but definitely memorable performances by actors who, hopefully, will be around for another few seasons. It’s about time we have another sci-fi show in prime time that is entertaining, freaky, and sometimes, even smart. So, yes, I’d recommend this show to people. Don’t screw this up on me now, writers.

As for the alternative reality storyline, I’m all for it. Except that we have Fringe, Lost, and the alternative reality of Star Trek, and you have to wonder if Abrams is running out of fresh ideas. I like the direction, but I’m a little mentally exhausted from all the mind games. My only criticism of Fringe’s story is that there seems to be a definitive “this” dimension (the one we’ve been watching all along) and “that” dimension (the one where William Bell is), and that’s it. But there are multiple and various alternative dimensions for every choice that is taken or not taken. I wonder if this will lead to some specific development on the show, or if I’m just that big of a geek.

One more important question for Season 2:  So…when does John Scott come back?

Season 1, Episode 20: There’s More Than One of Everything (originally aired May 12, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Fringe, click here.

Tuesdays at 9/8C, Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

The J Factor Ep. 10 (Lost)

Check out Episode #10 - May 14, 2009 – J.B. & Jaime welcome guest host and Poptimal.com writer Robin Reed to discuss the season finale of Lost.

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Rescue Me: Olympic Pissing Contest

It must be that time of the month for the fellas of 62 Truck, because they’re all at each other’s throats like there is no tomorrow. This episode is comprised of no less than four screaming matches, five if you count Tommy and Janet. (Note to Peter Tolan and Denis Leary: Janet really needs to die. Painfully. Very soon).

Let’s start with Janet. She shows up at the firehouse in the wake of Tommy discovering and confronting her last week about how she sent their youngest daughter Katie to a boarding school in Connecticut without telling him. Tommy steers her over to a private-ish corner behind a fire truck and they get into it. And as it usually is with this uberdysfunctional couple, it’s barely thirty seconds before they’re clawing at each other and pushing each other around. Tommy asks her if she ever wishes that they could go back in time and stay away from each other and be with someone else. This is especially interesting coming from Tommy because, when talking with Genevieve later in the episode, he describes himself as not having any regrets because he’s not a “should’ve/would’ve/could’ve kind of guy.” But they both agree to go to Katie’s school play next week and to try to act civil.

Then we got Needles. Needles, who has always been the most levelheaded, mild-mannered guy on the show, comes after Franco. He’s got a printout of a picture of Franco taken from the 9/11 conspiracy rally Franco attended last week that Needles pulled off a blog. Franco has mentioned to Genevieve and a couple of others that he usually keeps his views to himself because they’re not popular around the firehouse, and now he’s in hot water. Needles is about ready to decapitate Franco, whereas Tommy simply reminds him that he represents 62 Truck not just when he’s working a shift but everywhere he goes, all the time.

Franco starts defending his beliefs and his right to his beliefs, and World War III breaks out. And you want to know who stops it? Get this: Sean! Sean slams a chair into the table and screams at everyone to shut up and move on because there’s other crap going on in the world and people are dying every day. Like Sean, who if he doesn’t come up with $12,000 in cash to pay for surgery, will certainly die of renal cancer. Lucky for him, the new bar is doing gangbusters business, and with Mike in charge, skimming some cash might be an option.

Later on in the episode, some guys from another firehouse come over with the same picture and pick a fight with Franco that gets the whole crew involved. Needles then chastises the entire crew for getting into a fight. Lou is incredulous. “You got a problem with us standing up for one of our own?” he asks Needles. Needles doesn’t care. He’s more interested in the department’s image-and his own in front of the guys. It was truly surprising to see Needles completely change in this episode from the nicest guy around to a bit of a monster. I can’t say I’m totally against him, but I’d be lying if I said I still liked him after that scene. He’s definitely one to watch as the season progresses, that’s for sure.

The other epic pissing contest is between Tommy and Lou over (what else) Genevieve. Throughout history, one universal has been that no matter how close two guys are and no matter how long they’ve been friends, all it takes is one woman to drive them apart. Tommy thinks that Lou using the 9/11 footage Genevieve gave him to get into her pants is the lowest thing he has ever done in all the years they’ve known each other, though Tommy really shouldn’t be throwing stones here. He’s also pissed because he thinks Lou gave Genevieve back the footage and told her about Jimmy being seen on it and indirectly got Tommy in big trouble with Sheila after Genevieve gave her the footage. Sheila nearly beat the bejesus out of Tommy last week for not telling her about Jimmy, and Tommy thinks it’s Lou’s fault. He tells Lou that the whole thing is ridiculous, that a guy like Lou would never have a chance with someone like Genevieve. Lou responds that all these years he has defended Tommy and thought that eventually Tommy would return the favor, but now he knows he was wrong. He slams the door and leaves, and just when you think a really searing, dramatic scene has ended, Leary cracks you up again: “Don’t forget to get some orange juice while you’re out there orbiting around…fat ass!” Only Rescue Me can blend such intensely different forms of emotion together so adeptly.

The other highlight of the episode is when Genevieve convinces Tommy to go down to a bar near Ground Zero and finally talk about his experiences. And he does, in just the way we would expect Tommy to. Let’s just say his one-year anniversary of sobriety may not hold up for long. And that’s the end of another great episode of the best show on tv right now.

Season 5, Episode 6: Perspective (originally aired May 12, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

The Celebrity Apprentice: It’s a Kodak World. Welcome.

If you can believe it, we’re finally at the end of this great, overdrawn ride. And just like the time my sister ruined the ending of The Sixth Sense, my sister spoiled the ending of The CelebApprentice. It made a three-hour show feel even longer to watch than a slow M. Night Shyamalan movie. Can you spot the redundancy in that sentence?

I’ll try to keep this as abbreviated as possible for you, and skip over the female impersonators making their case for a Joan win. Yes, that really happened.

So, let’s break it down:

The “Boardroom”:

This year, Trump’s faux Boardroom is in the Museum of Natural History. There before his audience, he presides over the celebrity contestants with his children, who pretend to offer opinions on the winner without actually offering an opinion. It’s nice to see Don back – I think he’s had more fun than anyone this season, laughing at the ridiculousness and celebrities even more than me. Next season, more Don, Jr.!

And there will be a next season, because, as Trump explains, audiences loved the crazy catfights so much this year, that NBC had already renewed the show. W. T. F.? Is there someone out there besides me and Perlow watching this? I love this show, but even I have to question the wisdom of a third season.

Eventually, Trump invites out some of the eliminated contestants and tells them how awesome they are, and they in turn thank him for being (more) awesome and allowing them to create/jump start their careers. They don’t say it quite like that, but you and me at home know the score. Melissa and Claudia play nice, Natalie and Khloe are no-shows, Brian McKnight looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, and Dennis Rodman makes fun of Jesse for being a former alcoholic, for not leveraging Sandra Bullock for money, and for trying to make Dennis face his so-called “demons.” Trump still has a crush on Jesse, who thinks this entire thing is hilarious, based on the goofy faces and half-answers he gives all night. Jesse also calls Rodman “stupid” for not realizing that Jesse said those things during Rodman’s elimination because he cares about him. Apparently, the two are old friends. Or, ah, were. Trump, however, is better friends with Rodman than Jesse, and he basically makes Jesse look like a jerk for caring about a friend. Trump’s pandering to Dennis always feels like it’s a clause in Rodman’s contract so that he’d appear on the show. Because otherwise, I can’t imagine why anyone would defend this guy.

The best part is that Trump calls these guys out and then makes them sit and watch the episode (“live!”) with the rest of us. With their backs to the screen. For three hours.

The Task:

On the video screen! After further bickering between Annie and Joan (really, how much more of that nonsense will we have to watch?), the task gets underway: Joan and Annie must each throw a VIP event for Kodak and Cirque du Soleil. The task will be judged on each of the following criteria: Money raised, Kodak product integration, charity integration, celebrities in attendance, and the overall guest experience. They will also need to create a limited edition Kodak picture frame, and sell tickets to Cirque du Soleil’s Wintuk – to “the man on the street.”

Eliminated contestants Herschel, Melissa, Clint, Tom Green, Rodman and Brande return to assist the finalists for the task. Annie picks Brande, then Joan and Melissa put their “brilliant” strategy to work by having Joan choose Melissa last. The idea being that Annie would never pick Melissa, so Joan shouldn’t waste her first pick on her daughter. Of course, it’s a good strategy and it works. But is Annie the fool? She chose first and grabbed Brande, which was smart because Brande is the second highest fundraiser. But should her second, or even third, pick have been Melissa? (She chose Dennis and Tom.) Yes, there’s a chance that Melissa might work against you, but you would then have taken away Joan’s greatest weapon – her daughter. It’s a gamble, of course, but one would argue Melissa would be a better choice than Tom Green.

Each team receives an event planner from the same firm. Annie loves her planner, a young woman with no issues. Joan insults her planner, David, by calling in someone she knows to help him because David is ineffectual and useless. Joan makes a few jokes, becomes impatient, and expects more, but she never yells and is never nasty. Nevertheless, David bears an insult too dire to be borne, and his firm quits the task and the show. Hilarious. As a result, they also quit on Annie, who ends up blindsided by the news and more furious at Joan for this than for anything else. Including the Hitler comment, which we never hear the end of.

But fear not, fans. Annie knows everybody, and calls together a few experienced friends to save the day. God’s Love We Deliver, though a small organization, has an event planning side and plenty of volunteers, all of whom arrive to help set up Joan’s space.

As for the fundraising, Clint has zero to contribute in terms of dollars and effort, so he makes personal calls and checks emails. You have to wonder why he agreed to come back. Eventually, Joan has him film the intros for the silent auction items, to be displayed on the Kodak digital frames. Herschel’s friend buys all of the Cirque du Soleil tickets, and he and Melissa hand them out to tourists for free. Additionally, Melissa comes up with another brilliant idea (though it pains me to admit it), to shoot photographs of ordinary people on the street of New York “sharing” moments together: secrets, laughs, coffee, hugs, etc. They collect these images on the digital frame to be presented to the Kodak executive. Realizing that they may be low on celebrities, Herschel suggests hiring celebrity impersonators. Um, sure.

Over on Annie’s side, Tom Green makes a nuisance of himself, while Rodman does all of his mechanical tasks without much complaint. However, they both do a lot of horsing around since Annie refuses to give them anything important to do. The best moments of this episode come courtesy of Tom as he pokes fun at Annie for her repeated diatribes against Joan. Annie uses the digital frames to promote Refugees International, and presumably comes up with a nice frame for the Kodak executive, which we never see. Her celebrity presence is made up largely of poker players, and a few boxers.

The VIP Events:

Annie pulls off a classy silent auction. As Dennis puts it, it’s a networking event for people who like to give to charities. Which isn’t a bad thing, but I think he means that it wasn’t very warm and inviting – you’re there because you’re rich and have money to spend, which I don’t think Annie has a problem with. The items up for auction are all very high end – a lot of “experience” packages, like golfing with Natalie. Notably, Dennis shows up in a royal blue dress with outrageous headgear. It goes very much against the elegant setting Annie’s created, but no word on if she’s offended.

Joan’s event is much warmer with a larger crowd. And boas. The items up for auction are much more accessible, like a Brett Favre Jets jersey, and a Miley Cyrus t-shirt. There are other high end items, but nothing extravagant. Joan likes the idea of letting ordinary people contribute to charity in any way that they can. The celebrities who make an appearance include Tom Wopat (!) and the cast of Chicago (in costume, which is pretty cool), and Kathy Griffin. I’d totally take a picture with Kathy Griffin. Also in appearance, the impersonators of Liza, Liza, Bette, and Carol Channing.

To the pre-taped Boardroom! Trump calls this Boardroom historic, but we never learn why. Trump congratulates Dennis for not being drunk during the task, and then calls out Melissa for her trashy exit. Tom caves under Trump’s intense stare and lies about Annie being a good leader, and she becomes defensive over Trump’s jokes about gamblers. Then Joan and Annie fight some more when Annie points out that Joan cost Annie her event planner. Joan flat out lies that she did no such thing, and effectively paints Annie as the liar. Amazing. Trump even defends Joan to Annie, which should indicate to you how Trump is going to lean the rest of the episode. He encourages their arguing until Joan finally says that she won’t put up with Annie’s lies anymore (echoed unnecessarily and annoyingly by Melissa), so Trump may as well announce the results.

I don’t think it occurs to Trump to be offended – he’s having too good a time as he calculates the monetary benefit of the whore pit viper and Joan in action. So it’s on to the results! Joan raked in $150,000 for her charity; Annie raised $465,000. I don’t care who you hate more, that’s awesome. Annie did a better job of promoting her charity, but in terms of the rest of the scorecard, Joan won for a better guest experience, more recognizable and accessible celebrities, and product integration. In effect, Joan wins the last task 3-2. But why have a live finale if Trump were to decide their fates right then? It’s time to bring the combatants out for a final showdown, live, in the Museum of Natural History (where Joan = a dinosaur and Annie = a shark), and to declare a winner!

The Final Act

But first! Back to the live theater, where we have to ask everyone else’s opinion. Clint refuses to answer, Jesse picks Annie, Dennis and Scott Hamilton pick Joan. Trace Adkins and Piers Morgan of Season One arrive, and they both choose Joan For The Win; Piers specifically says because Joan won the last task, the one that matters. Then Piers and Trace promote their causes and The Celebrity Apprentice’s positive effect on their charities. Just one more thing to thank Donald Trump for.

Then the bickering begins anew! As soon as Annie speaks, Joan attacks her, a little over the top and out of line. You really have to give Annie credit for acting like a professional, whereas Joan has acted like an infant. Really, Joan is beyond capable of having a conversation or debate anymore. I don’t think anyone needs me to recap the idiocy that the two women engage in, especially when Trump is clearly biased at this point. So, ultimately, it’s time to choose a winner. And the next Celebrity Apprentice is … Joan Rivers!

Why? Trump doesn’t say, but possibly because Joan has “stamina” as opposed to business acumen. Which, you know, you want in an employee. Right? No?

And that’s it! The confetti flies, the competition’s over, and the Nazis are going home. I’m disappointed in the season as a whole for turning into a constant shouting match between two women who will always be at an impasse, and a little disappointed in Trump for not telling Joan to ever act like an adult. I’m also disappointed in Joan’s win, because Annie did deserve it, even if Joan won the last task. But it’s not as though Annie was like Jesse or Brande, i.e., likable, so I don’t feel that badly about it.

And so we say good-bye to another season of The Apprentice, and live in fear of the next batch of celebrity pit viper whores.

Who am I kidding? I’m so watching next season. Shout out if you’re with me!

(And according to NBC, there are a whole lot of you – you know who you are!)

Season 2, Episode 11 (originally aired May 10, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on The Celebrity Apprentice, click here.

Sundays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Ali Goldstein

House: Be on the Lookout for Evil Symbolic Imaginary Lipstick

When this show is on, it is on.

This week was House‘s fifth season finale. The first three-quarters of the episode were good, but pretty standard fare – certainly not season-finale caliber. Last week’s ep had been a lot more fun, and not just because of the frozen sperm.

But then the last act of the finale rolled around, and whoa, baby. I can’t remember the last time I actually looked forward to watching a House episode a second time.

Disclaimer: If you haven’t seen the ep yet, but are planning to watch it later, don’t read this review. I’m going to ruin the viewing experience for you. Like, more than I usually do, I mean.

Because, yeah, it was fantastic. We had a really interesting patient story (wasn’t it just last week I was complaining about how few of those we’ve had lately?), and great dialogue throughout, and excellent performances by the supporting cast, in their appropriate roles as supporting the lead character. The first 80 percent of the episode was consistently funny and engaging, and then we got an awesome Shyamalanesque ending that justified, if not this entire inconsistent season, then at least the arc that began with Kutner’s suicide (although not the suicide itself). This episode was written by Doris Egan, who also wrote the one with the guy whose illness was that he lost his mental filter and turned into House.  I loved that one, too, and I particularly loved the patient story in both eps. So thanks, Doris. David Shore owes you one.

House’s personal crisis du jour is the central focus of the episode, so let’s start there. You’ll recall that last week, House diagnosed himself with hallucinations brought on by Vicodin addition, and chose to detox under the watchful eye of Cuddy. After just one night, House was completely cured, so much so that he and Cuddy got it on. Now, though, even though things were hot and heavy the night before, Cuddy is being cold to House, telling him they need to keep their relationship strictly on a doctor/administrator level. House is perplexed, and tries to antagonize her into admitting that she feels something for him; this, as you’d expect, does not work out in House’s favor. But then, just when you think you know where the story is going, it turns out that the entire last act of the last episode – you know, the part where House detoxed and then slept with Cuddy – was a hallucination, too. Yep, House is still just as drugged-up as ever, and he and Cuddy are just as platonic if not more so. Then Amber, and even Kutner(!), show up to prove to House just how screwed up his brain is. No description can do justice to the way this sequence came off on screen, but just picture Hugh Laurie playing House at his most desperate, most irrational point, with lots of desaturated colors and shaky camera work. So Wilson drives House out to some rehab facility and hands him over. (Consensually, I mean. It wasn’t a Michael/Meredith situation).

These major-league mental issues are causing big problems for House’s non-romantic life, too, as they lead him to mess up his diagnosing and nearly kill his patient on the operating table. House confuses his main patient, Scott, who we’ll get to in a sec, with a clinic patient – the latter turns out to have pancreatic cancer, but House keeps thinking Scott has it and goes to great (and dangerous) lengths to prove it. I know they always joke about how House costs the hospital hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, but honestly I’m surprised anyone is willing to insure the guy at this point.

So, about that Scott. He has what Taub calls Alien Hand Syndrome (I’m telling you, everything is in Wikipedia). The right and left halves of Scott’s brain were surgically separated a while back to keep him from having seizures, and now, Scott’s right brain, which controls his left hand, is acting up – passive-aggressively grocery shopping, throwing rolls at dudes in restaurants, even smacking around his lovely girlfriend (played by Maria Thayer, whom I immediately recognized and finally figured out played the blind woman Kenneth fell in love with on Valentine’s Day).  The doctors are thrown off by House’s insistence that Scott has pancreatic cancer, but after they spend thirty minutes discussing the psychosocial implications of how brains work, they figure out Scott’s been poisoned by his deodorant, and he’ll be fine.

Meanwhile, Cuddy torments House by sending a clinic patient up to his office. (This is in response to House’s various attempts to torment Cuddy, one of which includes sending a stripper dressed as a pirate to her office. Prior to the episode’s airing I had noticed that its IMDB cast list included a character named “Private Stripper” and figured we were in for something good; now I see that that was merely a typo. Oh well, I can certainly forgive the copy editor for figuring that was a safe assumption.)

Anyway, the clinic patient, whose illness consists of squawking, is hysterically funny. Watching this episode the first time, I assumed there was something wrong with me for finding the guy funny, because clinic patients who stalk House, especially the old-guy variety, are typically very unfunny. I figured I was experiencing some previously undetected emotional imbalance that was causing me to seek out the funny in the unfunny things. Then I realized that the actor playing the squawker was Carl Reiner, who, among many other things, created the Dick van Dyke Show, played Saul in the Ocean’s 11 movies, and once made a comedy album with Mel Brooks. Not to mention, he’s Rob Reiner’s father. The dude’s won nine Emmys, and I think we can safely assume he’s getting at least a nomination for this role. Also, I was right to find him funny. “Soreness is less important than squawking,” indeed.

And, also, Chase and Cameron get married (since we all knew they would resolve their issues, especially considering how stupid their issues were to begin with). Two-thirds of the way into the episode, when Cameron, fresh off her tour on the USS Kelvin, finally caved in about the sperm, I’d given up on anything cool happening in the finale and I had decided that all I wanted out of this season was to see Cameron in a wedding dress. Later on, many cooler things happened, but I’m still happy that we got to see it all the same. Even if it was a little weird watching the wedding sequence and knowing that Jennifer Morrison and Jesse Spencer never made it that far off-camera.  (By the way, check out my favorite unintentional House Internet discovery of the week – the Wikipedia article for Jesse Spencer’s former character on the Australian soap Neighbours. Apparently that Billy Kennedy was always up to no good.)

And there are also lots of nice smaller moments throughout the episode. For example, the scene where Taub gets bored or something and decides to chat with Chase in the cafeteria about the sperm thing (Taub starts talking about fruit flies; Chase changes seats). And there was also Wilson, throughout, speculating that House’s body is full of romantic endorphins and being funny and genuinely supportive and not coming off like a waste of space anymore. (I have come to love Wilson over the course of this season. All he has to do now is nod and I’m already cracking up.) And the reconciliation moment between Chase and Cameron (when Chase gets her to admit that she isn’t saving the sperm to mate with; she’s saving it because in some twisted and kind of gross way, it reminds her of her dead husband). Jennifer Morrison’s face crumples up beautifully, and it was a nice moment for the two of them. Usually I love Chase because he’s funny, but every now and then I love him because he’s sweet; this was one of the latter cases.

And then at the end, we got the long woo-hoo! moment that was the return, for mere seconds each, of Amber, and Kutner! Well, that answers the question about whether Kal Penn simply didn’t want to come back to play the role of House’s subconscious hallucination. The writers must’ve wanted Amber all along. Which I can respect, since she’s what I’ve been craving all season, too.

There were even some lines this week that were so good I actually transcribed them while watching. It’s like House has turned into 30 Rock or something.

• Cameron: “Chase has this romantic view of love that reality can’t compete with.”
• Random guy to Scott: “Have you been throwing rolls at me?”
• Wilson to House, about the supposed House/Cuddy hookup: “Wow! This is fantastic. How are you going to screw it up?”
• Cameron: “I got the forms to destroy the sperm.”
• House to Cuddy: “I love youuuuu-phemisms.”

But anyway, so, okay, yes, hallucinating is freaky. But all it really means is that House is OD’ing on Vicodin, which, yes, we already knew that, he’s been doing it for the entire series run. And it means that he will have to detox and 12-step and all that, which we all knew he would have had to do eventually. Hey kids! Being a drug addict sucks!

A very wise man once said that he didn’t feel sorry for Britney Spears, because he preferred to feel sorry for drug addicts who didn’t have hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, I like House, and it’s unfortunate that he hallucinated sleeping with Cuddy and messed himself up and nearly killed Scott. But the dude can afford what looks like some seriously fancy-schmancy rehab, and he’s got a job waiting for him when he gets out (under a hot boss who wants to jump his bones). And he has no spouse or children to disappoint, and physically he’s already ruined so it’s not like there’s much else he can do to his body. And the hallucinations he’s having are some pretty fun hallucinations. Don’t the regular patients who have hallucinations on this show always see, like, alien abductions, or ants crawling all over their bras? House gets to chat with Anne Dudek and Kal Penn and have sex with Lisa Edelstein. I bet the drug addict demographic hates this show.

So where are we now? Well, it was a wildly inconsistent season. There was Joy, and then there was Lucky Thirteen. There was House-hallucinates-Amber-as-his-subconscious, and then there was a death-predicting cat. There was Mos Def as a guy who can communicate only by blinking his eyes and is about to be sold for parts, and then there was Breckin Meyer as a painter whose mystery illness is that he’s secretly randomly on a bunch of experimental drug trials. There was House and Cuddy exchanging genuinely heartfelt overtures, and there was House and Cuddy playing junior-high pranks on each other and mocking the hospital’s janitorial staff. And I haven’t even mentioned “Foreteen” yet. Because I don’t want to.

I wrote the show off after Kutner’s suicide, but now that the last few episodes have been so much better than the vast majority of this season, I’m back on board. This is a dangerous plan – after all, historically, these supposedly game-changing season finale cliffhangers pay off with absolutely nothing (the season three everybody-quits twist aside). Most likely, House will come back next season having detoxed and being crabby about it, and three episodes later he’ll be right back on the dope, and Cuddy will be flirting with him and acting offended about it, and Foreman will be cocky and hating himself for it, and Cameron will be staring up at House with those little doe eyes acting like she’s so much better than all this, and their patient will turn out to have, like, pink-eye or something. Cool episodes aside, this show is what it is, and what it always has been.

Look, it’s all about keeping your expectations in check, right?

So thanks, all, for playing along with my ramblings this season. It’s been real.

Season 5, Episode 24: Both Sides Now (originally aired May 11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Cameron Cubbison’s review here.

For more on House, click here.

House, Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Justin Lubin, Larry Watson, Michael Yarish

House: Both Sides Now

Oh gee! Do Chase and Cameron resolve their relationship issues for the fifth season finale of House? Do we get to see the wedding for May sweeps? I know that’s the number one concern I had going into the last House of the season, and thankfully, the answer to both questions is a resounding yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank the lucky stars the showrunners found a way to include this completely pointless narrative strand involving two inane, pointless characters that should have been written out of the show years ago.

Okay, that complaint aside (and it is a definite complaint), the season finale of House is pretty decent. But of course, therein lies the rub: for House to be just decent is disappointing, because this was once arguably the most compelling, original show on network television. I don’t know if the writers are running out of steam or just if, after five years, House as a character and the incessant formula of the show is getting stale. Either way, I find myself becoming strangely indifferent to the proceedings.

The patient is a guy with a split brain problem. The left side of his brain and motor functions are all fine and dandy, but the right side has a sporadic will of its own. Or maybe I got it backwards. At any rate, his right hand is a monster that throws things at people and even slaps his girlfriend across the face (damn that was funny though).

But House isn’t initially interested in the patient because he’s too busy gloating and pinching himself over sleeping with Cuddy. He wakes up at home with lipstick on his face and Cuddy’s lipstick tube on his sink. Iron clad proof that it happened. He takes the lipstick tube and starts rolling it around in his hand. In fact, he spends much of the episode doing that.

House comes into the hospital all-gasp!-cheerful and upbeat. His team wonders if he has finally lost it. But almost before he can enjoy the first good mood he’s had in at least a decade, Cuddy herself comes in to his differential room and tells House that they need to go talk in his office. Uh oh. Nothing good ever comes out of postcoital conversation. She tells House that she is his boss and that he is an employee, that people who get close to him just get hurt. House asks her if she is just overreacting after last night, saying “isn’t this a bit like locking the barn door after the horse has put his face between your breasts for an hour and a half?” I couldn’t agree more.

What’s House’s next step? Talk to Wilson of course! And that he does, telling him in one fell swoop that he slept with Cuddy and has been off Vicodin for 24 hours. Wilson says “wow” twice, once for each revelation. “This is fantastic…how are you going to screw it up?” asks Wilson. And that’s the question that viewers have no doubt been thinking ever since House and Cuddy did the deed last week. Wilson tells House to go for it but to be careful, because Cuddy is either in love with House or thinks the other night was a big mistake. Um, gee Wilson…aren’t those the only two options there could possibly be? So how does that pearl help House?

Of course we have to keep cutting back to the A storyline, the guy with the monster hand. We go through the usual of Taub and Thirteen going to the patient’s house and looking for clues, then we have Taub talking with Chase about Cameron’s unhealthy attachment to her dead hubby’s frozen leftovers. But does anyone care? I know I don’t. All I care about is seeing what happens with House and Cuddy in the aftermath of their torrid, surprisingly sober night of passion.

House starts trying to make Cuddy angry, just to provoke some kind of reaction from her so that they can start talking about what happened between them and what it means. For once, Wilson not only approves but encourages House to act like a child and terrorize Cuddy. And House doesn’t disappoint, employing his usual tricks including patient bodily fluids, stealing of coffee cups, and strippers. None of it seems to work though. Cuddy is remarkably unfazed. Wilson then, in his infinite wisdom, deduces that House is using his relationship with Cuddy as a replacement for Vicodin, relying on romantic endorphins or whatever to cover up his pain. But House counters that he found oxytocin in Cuddy’s coffee, which is the chemical involved in emotional bonding apparently. So he has to make her angry to make her break her façade. Either that or she kills him.

As if all that’s not enough, House gets saddled with another patient, this one being an old guy who has been like a bird uncontrollably. He’s played by veteran actor Carl Reiner, most recently seen in the Ocean’s films. It seems like a nothing, comic-relief patient, but since he’s being played by a celebrity, of course you know it will turn out to be something more.

Anyone who watches House knows that, especially in recent seasons, the show likes to play with reality versus fabrication and all the kooks and quirks of House’s brain. The season finale twist involves one of those and sheds new light on the events of last week. Cutthroat Bitch returns from the dead yet again, as does Kutner. Cuddy finally reaches the breaking point and fires House, but there’s clearly more to the story than what we’re seeing. I don’t want to ruin it, but suffice it to say that House definitely has some more detoxing to do, and he may have some serious mental issues.

The season ends not as dramatically as last year’s, but it does provoke thought as to where House can go as a character and what new dilemmas he can face. I will continue to watch the show when it returns, but I really hope the writers find a way to subvert the formula somehow. Get rid of Chase and Cameron and even Foreman, get some new blood, maybe take a break from the procedural aspect of the show and take House to a new venue.

Season 5, Episode 24: ­­­­­Both Sides Now (originally aired May 11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Be on the Lookout for Evil Symbolic Imaginary Lipstick by Robin Reed.

For more on House, click here.

House, Tuesdays 8/7c on FOX

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Michael Yarish

The Amazing Race: No Pants? No Problem!

After a wild Eurasian romp full of runaway cheese, vampires, snowplows, tigers, drag queens, communism, and deep fried starfish, it all came down to this: a ferocious sprint through Maui pitting two marvelously bright and competitive teams (and Jamie & Cara) against each other for an all or nothing shot at a million clams. Would Margie keep her cool in light of the steadily waning patience she began to show for Luke’s special needs? Could Victor keep his control freak big brother impulses in check long enough to keep Tammy from choking the life out of him? Would Jamie treat the locals like human beings if they speak her language? Kinda, mostly, and not really.

After successfully eliminating Kisha & Jen from the race by using the U-Turn like a scalpel and claiming a commanding first place finish, Tammy & Victor (along with the rest of the remaining racers) boarded their final flight from Beijing to sunny Maui and found themselves first to arrive at a DIY luau challenge consisting of getting a 150 pound pig carcass across a 200 yard span of beach, taking care to properly season and prepare the feast at both ends. It proved a daunting task for the slender arms of Tammy and the cheerleaders, but Margie & Luke proved why they’re still around by hoisting the swine to their shoulders and overtaking the rest of the pack.

They carried their momentum through an exhilarating jet ski dash and right into the final road block, a surfing themed spin on the typical “recall your previous destinations, find a memento from each one, and put them in perfect chronological order” challenge that marks the final leg of most seasons. These could get repetitive season after season, except they always manage to create enough drama, frustration, and suspense to sustain an entire episode of most scripted shows.

Meanwhile, taxicab karma continued to haunt Jamie & Cara even back in the 50 states. It was a glorious moment of catharsis to hear a dispatcher tear into them for treating her like a personal concierge. Oh snap, radio style!

Luke took to the challenge like a Chinese cormorant to a fish pond, racking up nine of eleven correct answers in perfect order and remarkable speed (must’ve been his decision to ditch his pesky board shorts for a t-shirt and Speedo combo so sleek n’ sexy that Victor just had to follow suit), but then something strange and terrible happened: the last two answers eluded the deaf wunderkind long enough for the challenge to reduce him to a state of total frustration and repetitive stupid mistakes. Being a huge Margie & Luke fan, I watched in horror as the rest of the pack caught up and gained ground until Victor delivered the finishing blow while Luke struggled to find one final piece. In a final semi-redemptive act of despair and resignation, Jamie offered to exchange the remaining answers with Luke just to get to the finish line, but they knew the race belonged to Tammy & Victor. I might not have been their biggest fan, but the bickering sibs definitely had their moments, and they sure as hell played the race to win. Fingers crossed for a TAR: All Stars 2 in the near future, because I could sure go for seeing Margie & Luke (and, pretty please CBS, Mike & Mel) take it all from the top.

Season 14, Episode 12: This Is How You Lose a Million Dollars (originally aired May 10, 2009)

For more on The Amazing Race, click here.

Sundays at 8pm ET/PT on CBS

Photographs courtesy of CBS and Robert Voets

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