So You Think You Can Dance: So You Think You’ve Got Attitude

All right. Four hours of So You Think You Can Dance auditions. I can do this, I can do this. It actually wasn’t that bad last week. Come on, breathe, Robin, breathe.

Okay, I’m ready.

Wednesday night. Miami. Will Smith. Sexy Senoritas. Latin Spice. Lots of glitter. A dancer/choreographer named Tyce Diorio is the guest judge. Tyce thinks he is hilarious, but he is not. Also, apparently Mary is wearing some ancient yellow striped peasant blouse outfit that probably is what she thinks of when she thinks Florida.

Our Miami Day 1 auditioners include:

• Tony, who announces in his bio segment, “I can be as kinky as I want.” He’s clearly gay and I worry that this will freak Nigel out. But as this episode will make clear, Nigel appears to be OK with gay guys as long as they’re not dancing with other guys. Tony dances to “Footloose,” which makes me like him, but I have no idea what he’s actually doing, except that sliding around is involved. Nigel tells Tony he’s making a fool of himself. Mary seems to be on some drugs or something. Tyce says Tony was “horrifyingly bad.” Honestly I didn’t think he was that much worse than some of the people who made it through last week. Nigel votes yes to choreography but Mary and Tyce vote no, so Tony leaves. Then he has a minor panic attack and asks for a medic. They stretch this out like it’s this major drama, but in the end Tony eats a banana and is okay.
• Priscilla, a Miami girl who can do freaky scary stuff with her limbs and has this cute theatrical thing going on. I actually genuinely like her. Mary calls her “over the top wonderful,” and Tyce calls her “stunningly beautiful,” and I don’t disagree with either of them. She gets a ticket straight to Vegas.
• Janette and Romulo, who auditioned last year. She made it to Vegas, he didn’t, and then she got cut before the top 20. But she’s apparently well-known in the SYTYCD community despite this. Janette and Romulo do some ballroom dancing, I think? They call it “spicy salsa.” There are lots of flips and lifts involved. They both get invited straight to Vegas.
• Jennifer and Jessica, twins who wear goth-ish outfits but are clearly not goth. They do moves I recognize from my morning yoga class and should be sent home for their footwear alone. Their dancing is supposed to be synchronized, which I didn’t realize until Nigel pointed it out. Tyce calls their audition tragic, and they get a no.
• Joseph, who does some cool-looking stuff. Nigel compliments his humor. (Am I just humorless that I think nothing and no one on this show is funny? Maybe I just watch too many shows that are actually funny and can no longer appreciate the mediocre attempts at humor generated by reality shows that aren’t on Bravo.) They put him through to choreography, and then to Vegas.

At the end of the first day, they put 18 dancers through to Vegas, and I take a breath. 12.5% of the way through!

On Miami Day 2, we see:

• Wislande, who wears a half-shirt over a bikini top in a very weird way. I can’t tell if it’s intentional. She walks around a lot and does some splits. I mean, I get that this is bad, but it’s not comically bad, so why are we watching it? Mary says her performance was geared only to straight men. Nigel says it was “what little girls do when they start dancing.” Tyce cries, “Is that a chasse???!!!” This makes Wislande cry. Aww. She gets a no.
• Erik, aka “Silky,” a tap dancer (apparently they call themselves tappers?) who is here to bring tap back. (No word on whether he was inspired by Obama bringing the change.) He taps to “Thriller,” which is awesome. I think all tap dance routines should be set to “Thriller” from now on. He does a moonwalk! And a backflip! And some other stuff that involves leaping around and spinning on the floor! It’s amazing! He’s my new favorite. Not that I had a previous favorite, but he’s my favorite now. They send him straight to Vegas.
• Paris, a former Miss Washington who wears a tutu. I wish more of these auditioners would wear tutus. She does something ballet-ish and sort of sexy to a weird slow cover of “Toxic.” Nigel likes it. Mary says she has “beautiful lines, beautiful feet, beautiful arms, great personality,” which is everything, in Mary’s universe. I like that. Paris is going straight to Vegas.
• Geo, who does an African dance number in cool regalia and jumps off the stage, which scares Mary. Nigel makes a sex joke at Mary’s expense, but she laughs, because sexual harassment is funny. They send Geo to choreography, where he sadly does not wear his headdress, but gets a ticket to Vegas nevertheless.
• Talia, a former child bride whose husband died in a motorcycle accident. It was three years ago though, so not a completely Danny Gokey situation. They interview her in what looks like her house, so before she’s danced a step we already know she’s going through to Vegas. Then she jumps around and, uh, does stuff, while Nigel bops along. She’s really pretty and uses her long flowy hair to her advantage, like Tiffany did last week. Mary calls Talia “firey” and sees potential in her, but none of the judges thinks she’s quite good enough. But they put her through to choreography, narrowly, and then to Vegas. Aww, I like Talia.

A total of 32 Miami people get to go to Vegas.

Next up is Memphis, which we’re told has “soul” and “a touch of the blues,” among other things. Cute, writers. The guest judge is a dancer and choreographer named Lil’ C.

On Day 1, we see:

• Marico, a cop who we also get to see at home, and on the job. He does a dance called the Memphis Jukin. It is jerky and involves wearing unfortunate clothes. Apparently it’s very cool but has been kept underground, but now Marico is unearthing it. I hope the guardians of the Memphis Jukin are on board with this. He gets to go straight to Vegas.
• Dustin, who wears a semi-comical Will Ferrelleseque outfit. His second cousin is supposedly Howie Dorough from the Backstreet Boys. Dustin’s dance is unmemorable, apparently, because there’s nothing in my notes about his actual performance. Nigel calls Dustin delusional for thinking he’s dancing hip hop, and says he “wasn’t really good enough.” Lil’ C respects Dustin’s honesty and recommends he try another style. Dustin gets a no, but vows to come back next year.
• Chris, who does a dance style of his invention called “electric,” which he says involves being a “cheerleader to the music.” Cool, I like cheerleading. Unfortunately there is no cheerleading here, just spinning and some stuff that looks vaguely like what not-particularly-talented drag queens do sometimes. Nigel says it’s “very sort of euro pop sort of rave party.” I’m sure Nigel has been to many of those. Mary and Nigel are really mean to Chris, and say they have every right to be. And then Chris and Nigel get into a back-and-forth that I guess is supposed to be good TV and make Nigel look cool and make Chris look stupid, but they both come off looking stupid and rude, so whatever. Chris gets a no.
• Caitlin, who’s the sister of Megan, who auditioned in Miami and got through to Vegas but who was insignificant enough that she didn’t warrant her own full segment. Caitlin does, though, and she performs a cool gymnastics-looking routine. Now that I’m used to the gymnastics in these routines I think it’s neat when it’s done well by someone like Caitlin, who is also pretty and talented. Nigel stops her right in the middle of a flip thing and calls her “absolutely superb.” She gets through straight to Vegas and does another impromptu flip.

They keep showing ads for Glee.  I think those ads are my favorite part of SYTYCD. Except for Erik the tapper.

On Day 2 in Memphis, we see:

• Anna, an 18-year-old from Mississippi whose dad committed suicide last year and who accordingly gets emo music during her bio segment. “I don’t have to talk about it, but I can move about it,” she says of his death. I like Anna, but I don’t like the dance she does; it’s kind of zombie-like in that it involves a lot of being floppy. Also she wears a huge flannel shirt over her tank top and short shorts. The judges hate her head-banging. Nigel calls her “over-choreographed” but “a lovely dancer.” Lil’ C brings up her father’s death during the judging, and empathizes with her since his father also committed suicide. They send her to choreography, then to Vegas.
• Travis, who gets a bio package filmed in his hometown of Texaco, New Mexico, seeing as how he’s the only gay person who’s ever lived there. His dad is the school football coach and is very sweet, and is fine with Travis’ preference for hanging out with the cheerleaders. When it comes time for Travis’ performance, he wears weird pants with different legs of different lengths and is boring. Nigel calls Travis a “big lad” and tells him to join the football team to work on his strength (never mind that Travis is well out of high school). Nigel goes on about how proud he is of Travis’ dad for letting him dance, and leads the room in a standing ovation for Travis’ dad’s lack of homophobia. And with that, I officially hate Nigel. Simon Cowell, for all his faults, does not do this condescending crap. With this, plus his treatment of Tiffany and Mitchel and Mischa last week, I am ending the trial period I had extended to Nigel. Anyway, Travis narrowly gets through to choreography, then to Vegas. Aww, he looks so happy.
• Brothers Evan and Ryan, who are into the musical theater stuff. Evan made it to the top 40 last year and performs in a fedora and suspenders and whatever. It’s boring, or maybe I’m just getting sick of this. Anyway, Nigel says it’s great and mocks Evan for being short, and sends him straight to Vegas. Ryan comes out with a whoopee cushion and does tap dance a cappella, which I didn’t realize dancers ever did. (Well, Ryan probably invented the whoopee cushion part). I actually found Ryan kind of funny but that might have been because I was exhausted by this point of the night. Mary says it was clever and fun, and Lil’ C loved how he “utilized his prop.” Ryan goes straight to Vegas. And this is apparently the week of the siblings, because next up we have:
• Lauren and Lydia, more twins who do synchronized dancing better than Jennifer and Jessica did, while not wearing very many clothes. Nigel says Lydia is “more to extremes” and Lauren gives “more performance,” but they’re both “a joy to watch, and lovely, yeah” (he says that last part just grossly enough). They go to choreography, then to Vegas.

On Thursday, we mercifully finished the first round of auditions, starting in L.A. with guest judge Adam Shankman.  He’s a choreographer/producer/director who worked on a bunch of movies including 17 Again, which had some really funny dancing, so I’m pro-Adam going in.

Our L.A. Day 1 auditioners include:

• Bianca, from Detroit, who almost made it to the top 20 last year and was devastated to have been cut. At this point I’m not clear on why they bother making these returners audition at all, since they always make it through, but I guess it makes for good TV. Bianca does a tap routine a cappella and swings her arms around a lot. After the dude who tapped to “Thriller” I am not so into this. But the judges are. Mary even gives her a standing ovation, and Nigel calls her “the consummate tap dancer.” They put her straight through to Vegas, obviously.
• Xavier and Brynelle, two siblings who are routinely mistaken for a couple because they go around holding hands. Okay. She has a pretty flowy dress that’s ruined by the sparkly bra top half and the awful eye makeup. Their dance is… really weird. Very jerky and theatrical. Nigel calls it “very very strange.” Mary says they’re lacking technique. The judges say it’s childlike, and not in a good way. So Xavier and Brynelle get a no.
• Debra, an overweight woman who runs around the stage not doing very much. Nigel makes her talk about her Orthodox Judaism and kindly gives her some actual constructive criticism, which I was not expecting. All right, that was okay. Susan Boyle hadn’t happened yet when they filmed this, I’m pretty sure, so I was expecting them to mock Debra, but not so much. But my overall opinion of Nigel hasn’t changed. Anyway, Debra gets a no.
• Calico, who does the Lindy hop with a partner who’s not auditioning. Nigel says she looks like a member of a social Lindy hop club, rather than a professional, so she gets a no. But Adam says he’d love to dance with her, so she invites him onto the stage. He goes up there, and it’s pretty cool. And, okay, if this is what the show is like when it gets going, then maybe I will like it, because it was really cool watching Adam dance. It also helped me understand the kinds of things the judges look for. Because I could not have told you the first thing about what Calico was doing wrong from her original performance, but now that I see her next to Adam it’s completely obvious that he is like 200 times better than she is. They bring up some former contestants to pretend to judge him, and Adam acts like a contestant, squealing in joy and doubling over at the mike in mock exhaustion. That was amusing, but not as cool as the dancing part.
• Ricky and Asuka, who do international Latin ballroom and are Asian, which is apparently uncommon. They auditioned last year and Asuka made it almost but not quite to the top 20. Their performance looks great to me. Nigel says Asuka steals the limelight, but that Ricky holds his own. Adam tells Ricky to push Asuka down a flight of stairs, because Adam couldn’t take his eyes off her. They’re both going straight to Vegas.
• Nathan, a 17-year-old who quit dancing in 8^th grade because people made fun of him. He has a little-kid haircut, and his dance is really weird, with lots of spinning and jumping and stylistic arm movements. Adam calls it “pretty damn extraordinary.” Nigel calls Nathan brilliant. However, being 17, he’s not old enough to be on the show. So… how was he allowed to audition? Did he lie? Nigel gives him a ticket to Vegas for next year, which is cute.

The day’s over, and they don’t even bother to show us the choreography round.

You know, I would like the ads for Glee a lot more if they’d stop showing that clip of the guy throwing his cherry soda in Rachel Berry’s face. Rachel Berry does not deserve that.

In L.A., Day 2, we see:

• Sammy, a 19-year-old former wrestler who learned popping and locking from a gang member who now may or may not be in prison. Presumably not for having tutored Sammy though. I do not understand or enjoy Sammy’s dance but that’s probably because I’d never heard of this “popping and locking” until last week when I first saw it on this show. Sammy does have the decency to look embarrassed throughout his performance. The judges like him and put him through to choreography, then to Vegas.
• Stacey, who dances to “Sweet Dreams” in full 80s regalia and does some jerky stuff, including a moonwalk. (I love how the only step I can recognize by name is the moonwalk.) Adam insults Stacey without her realizing it, and Mary says she doesn’t want to be mean but doesn’t see a dancer inside Stacey. Stacey’s face turns bright red and she cries. Aww, poor Stacey. She’s going home.
• Amanda, who gets the cameras-following-her-home treatment because her dad has MS. She has a very Barbie-looking thing going on. Nigel says he’s “being grabbed by your beauty rather than your dance.” Mary says “you’re extremely talented and of course you are drop-dead gorgeous.” Adam also thinks she’s very talented. If Amanda’s so good, is Nigel’s issue with her just that she’s pretty? They put her straight through to Vegas.
• Philip and Arielle, who do a dance that is pretty sexy, except that they’re laughing the whole way through. Philip auditioned last year and made it to Vegas but wound up getting pneumonia, so he gets a ticket to Vegas this year without even having to audition. Nigel says Philip’s presence during the dance was very distracting because he was so good, and that Arielle fit in with it okay. Adam says Arielle brought out a better dancer in Philip. She gets straight through to Vegas.
• Kevin, a bald dude who calls himself Shakiro, after Shakira. “I’m'a show ‘em something they’ve never seen before,” he promises. This is dumb. I have no idea what he does dancing-wise but there are lots of close-ups of his crotch, so thanks for that, Fox. Kevin says he’s “mastered the bell dancing and the hips of Shakira.” Nigel calls it “very insular” since all he did was move his hips around. Mary calls it “not dancing, it’s just shaking.” So that’s a no for Kevin, and a no for me on this show, until I remember Erik the tapper. Bring back Erik!

Next up, Seattle. It was raining there on Day 1 of auditions, and much is made of this. It will become clear that this rain-related drama is there because nothing else happened in Seattle.

Our guest judge is choreographer Mia Michaels, who won an Emmy for her choreography on a previous season of this show. That’s pretty cool.

Our Day 1 featured auditioners are:

• Christopher, who with nonauditioning partner Julie does an Argentine tango / East Coast swing / international tango “playing with gender roles,” which we know Nigel doesn’t like. This is very nice, the nonauditioning partners who come along and wait outside in the rain for hours and hours and embarrass themselves on TV just to help their friends. Go Julie. The judges, especially Mary, think Christopher and Julie’s dance is hilarious. I don’t get it, but I guess that’s because I’m not familiar with the international or Argentine tangos or with East Coast swing. Mary says it was “not good dancing in any way, shape, or form.” Chris gets a no. As Simon would say, it’s fine to play with gender roles, just not on this show.
• “Nick Nasty,” an aspiring tattoo artist. He says he does “a little provocativeness” in his dancing, not that he’s going to do any of that here. He does some really impressive stuff with his feet and some gymnastics and crawls around on his head at one point. Then he stops before finishing, because he “ran out of energy.” He preemptively sasses the judges, saying he doesn’t need to make Nigel happy because he made Mia and Mary happy. Nigel calls him disrespectful. Mary tells him he talked himself from a yes to a no, because of his personality. So Nick Nasty gets sent home.
• Dmitrious, who fears that his dancing looks much better in his head than in reality. I would agree with that. He walks and jumps on his hands a lot and bounces around and such. It’s “breaking,” according to Mary, but he’s only been doing it for three months. Mary notes that he doesn’t really know what he’s doing, and says the judges were all scared he would hurt himself. They send him home and tell him to learn how to partner dance and come back in a few years, when he will be theoretically able to lift girls with one finger.
• Kelsea, who jumps and rolls around and such, and does some jerky stuff and sticks her feet out a lot. Nigel calls her “zany” and “slightly crazy” (in a good way). Mia calls her “a beautiful disastrous weirdo” (again this is good). They admit she’s not one of the best dancers they’ve ever seen, but they put her through to choreography and then to Vegas.

So, if you were keeping track, out of the four auditioners we saw featured on Day 1 in Seattle, only one made it through. And out of the entire day only four people make it to Vegas, all from the choreography round. Wow. Well, that was a waste of all our time. But on the bright side, we’re almost done.

Seattle, Day 2, is even worse, at least from a viewership perspective.

First, we see Kuponohi’ipoi, who is of Hawaiian descent and has a really distracting haircut. He molests a chair and does some other stuff I didn’t understand. Nigel likes the quirkiness. They put him through to choreography and then to Vegas.

Then, they had 25 minutes to kill, so the entire remainder of the Seattle Day 2 segment is spent with two guys: David “Sex” Soller, a self-described up-and-coming celebrity, who has auditioned every year since season 2 even though he isn’t good, and Leonid, from Ukraine, who has bad teeth and an accent that I can’t understand and a ton of energy that he uses to dance in a style he made up himself which Nigel calls “like if you were at a rave party.”

So Mia asks Leonid and “Sex” to compete in a dance battle. “Sex” first asks his mother’s permission to take part, which she grants. Then Fox throws in some still photos of boxers and makes “Sex” and Leonid stare at each other dramatically in the hallway. Okay, between this and “It’s Raining Men” last week I hate the show’s producers. Despite Erik the Tapper and the Glee ads, I’m still waiting to see what it is people like about this show. Nigel rules in favor of “Sex,” but Mary and Mia both vote for Leonid, so he wins. But they put “Sex” through to the choreography, to give him a reality check. Nigel says it will be the last year that they give “Sex” this opportunity. Fortunately, they don’t feel the need to send him to Vegas.

Before I watched this week, a friend assured me I would start liking this show when it got past the audition period. I asked her if that meant Nigel would be gone by then, and she just sighed. Which was not comforting.

But I think maybe I just don’t get SYTYCD. Maybe when they start doing only professional choreography, that will make all the difference? I certainly hope so. That segment with Adam doing the Lindy hop was by far the best moment of the show so far this season, for me.

Anyway, next week, they go to Vegas. Cat promises us “the most shocking Vegas week ever.” We should all be so lucky.

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

Season 5, Episodes 2&3: Miami, Memphis, Los Angeles & Seattle Auditions (originally aired May 27 & 28, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro