So You Think You Can Dance: What did the umbrella represent to you?

So You Think You Can Dance kicked off its fifth season this week, and I had managed not to see a single episode before that. I was a SYTYCD virgin, if you will. Fortunately, shows like this are much like the copy of Home Buying for Dummies that I’ve been poring over for the past two weeks: they’re extremely easy for total novices to follow, they’re loaded up with so-so jokes that the writers think are very funny indeed, and they’re firmly grounded in a circa-2001-ish view of the world. Oh, and they’re also still vaguely enjoyable to consume. Plus, the book offers up lots of useful tips about mortgage financing, and SYTYCD offers useful instruction on how easy it is to validate and/or crush someone’s dreams. I’m sure both will come in handy down the road.

So, I should disclaim here that I know nothing, at all, about dancing. My notes from watching this episode say things like “She twirled around a lot while wearing a horrible tunic-unitard-thing.” I also learned during these two hours that although I used to think I liked watching dancing, because I love stuff like Glee and High School Musical and that one episode of Buffy, what I actually like is watching groups of people doing choreographed dancing. People dancing by themselves, as it turns out, is just kind of creepy. In this episode of SYTYCD, even when the auditioners were good (and I couldn’t usually tell whether they were good or not until the judges explained it), to me it just looked like they were writhing around possessed by demons or whatever.

Anyway, I think I will like the show more when it’s down to the top 20, aka the people who have already been acknowledged as being good. Also when I don’t have to watch stuffy British guys with awful hair act like they’ve never heard of gay people before. Oh, but wait, that dude’s sticking around, right? Terrific.

So, this week we’re watching auditions in New York (which took place in Brooklyn, and the show’s producers would like us to think that makes them very hip) and Denver (where, apparently, almost everyone is white). Successful auditioners will proceed on to the next round in Vegas, although some of them are first required to take part in another round first where they have to learn and perform a choreographed routine, of which we at home will see about 6 seconds. Unsuccessful auditioners will go off and do whatever you do when you’ve placed your entire sense of self-worth in something and been mocked for it by that guy with the hair. (Which in most cases, it seems, involves coming back to audition again the following season.)

As on the mothership, we only get to see much of a handful of auditioners:

• Gabi, some chick with rheumatoid arthritis who does with the twirling around. Nigel says she’s one of the best auditions he’s seen in five years, and she’s going to Vegas.
• Two contortionist guys who call themselves “The Mutation” and get way more screen time than they deserve. “We bringing some change to the dance world,” the guys say. “Obama wanted change, so we bringin’ change. Why not start with the dance world?” Yes, by all means, blame Obama. The guys perform, and the judges would like us to think they’re afraid of them, and that their performance is funny. The judges are convincing on neither front. They put them through to the choreography round, but the guys give up without bothering to learn the routine.
• “Crazy Kate,” who the judges laugh at openly. They tell her she’s awful, but she gets to go home and run a Lego competition, which sounds way more fun to me than auditioning for SYTYCD.
• Peter, a tap-dancing chipster who thinks Rocky jokes are still hilarious. The SYTYCD producers found Peter so compelling they sent cameras to film his family at home in Philadelphia eating some yummy-looking pasta (because he’s Italian, duh). I don’t know, is it normal for guys to tap dance while wearing wife beaters and really long basketball shorts? Anyway, the judges say he’s great and send him to Vegas.
• Tiffany, who has a disability and wears a lot of makeup, and who does the kind of dancing that I do think is pretty even when done by only one person, because it involves a lot of spinning and wearing of flowy skirts, like figure skating. Nigel promises Tiffany he will critique the “dancing side of it” first, as though he’s supposed to be critiquing anything else. Then he compliments her bravery, which, well, he was nice about it, but this is giving off awfully strong Paula/Scott MacIntyre vibes, here. And then the whole place, led by Nigel, gives Tiffany a standing ovation. But then the judges dismiss her, saying she’s not “right for this competition,” without bothering to explain why. But at least they get to make themselves feel better about it by gushing on about how amazing and inspiring she is. This was first of the episode’s two major low points for me.
• Maksim, who does a partner dance with a woman who was on the show before. It’s cool because they’re both good and they’re doing one of those elaborate dances with lots of precise steps. (Look, I said I didn’t know anything about dance.) They put him through to the choreography, and then on to Vegas.
• Nobuya, from Tokyo, is a “Locker” with imperfect English (which is still way better than my Japanese). Apparently all the best “lockers” come from Japan. He does a bunch of stuff that was maybe supposed to be funny? I don’t know, the judges said he was good. Anyway, he does the choreography and gets his ticket to Vegas.

After all that, they’ve advanced 27 contestants on the first day of New York auditions. Wait, there’s a second day? What? Oh my lord, how long are these auditions going to take? Oh well, at least it’s not Don’t Forget the Lyrics.

On the second day, we see:

• A returning auditioner, Arielle, who does the same jumping-around thing a lot of the women do and is very sweet and pretty and “following her dream.” They put her through straight to Vegas.
• Thomas, a former six-time national men’s baton twirling champion, and his partner, Amanda, who perform a bolero.  (I know it was called that because they said it like five hundred times.) The judges laugh and laugh and dismiss them but I don’t know, it looks impressive to me. And, you know, I was expecting these auditions to be like American Idol, where the bad auditioners just sort of mumble with their eyes closed because they know if they look stupid enough they’ll get to be on TV, but that’s not what’s happening here. These people really can do impressive things with their bodies. And whereas I can put up with Simon mocking people who want to be mocked anyway, what I’ve seen of Nigel is not sufficient to convince me he can get away with this. Especially since these people, except for maybe the Mutants, really genuinely are trying, here.
• Nina and Igor, a pair of teenage Latin dancers, who finish their routine with this epic spinning thing that majorly freaked me out. Mary calls it a “pot stir.” They call them back to do the choreography, and Igor makes it, but Nina doesn’t. Far be it for me to act like I know anything about this stuff, but Nina’s the one who did that amazing pot stir. But, I am happy to have a guy on the show named Igor.
• Kellen, a guy who dances around with an umbrella in memory of his aunt who passed away. He cries when Mary asks him about it, and everyone applauds, and it has a very Tiffanyesque feel to it, and I was sure they were just being nice to him and weren’t going to advance him, but then they did.
• A Jersey guy named Chimezie who does some theatrical spinning around and crossing of his eyes and gymnastics and whatnot, which the judges tell me is hip-hop. What is up with the people on this show doing cartwheels and other random acrobatic moves while dancing? They don’t do that in High School Musical. Anyway, they put Chimezie through to choreography, and he makes it on to Vegas.

The second half of the episode takes place in Denver, where they are saddled with a guest judge named Sonya who thinks everyone is amazing and makes a huge deal about it every single time. (Also in Denver, Mary, the judge who isn’t Nigel but who is just as grating, is dressed up like a cast member of Oklahoma! or something. She has a brown fringed leather vest over a brown plaid blouse buttoned up to her chin. Maybe she thought since all the auditioners were dressing like lunatics she had to wear a costume too?)

Among the auditioners we see in Denver in between the judges’ shenanigans are:

• 18-year-old Kayla, whose young-looking grandparents sacrificed for her dance habit and apparently also forced her to get a bad dye job and wear way too much makeup. Kayla is “correct and beautiful and interesting,” according to Sonya. They put her through straight to Vegas.
• Two guys who get their very own intro – they’re the Denver version of The Mutation, apparently – because of both being guys. First, we see them hanging out in the convention center wearing awful costumes as the opening cords to “It’s Raining Men” play and the camera zooms in on the Men’s bathroom sign, in case we didn’t notice. The guys, named Misha and Mitchel, do same-sex ballroom dancing. Misha is gay and Mitchel is straight. The guys dance the samba well, according to Nigel, except for a huge fall at the end of the performance, but the fall isn’t what the judges choose to dwell on, because it’s beside the point, really. Nigel raises a poorly groomed eyebrow and compares them to Blades of Glory and says they will “alienate a lot of our audience,” adding, “I’m certainly one of those people that really like to see guys be guys and girls be girls.” I’m sure you are. Then Nigel sends them to choreography because he wants to see them dance with girls, because “Who knows, maybe you’ll like it!” Yes, thank you, Nigel, you’ve discovered the cure for homosexualdancity. Somebody give this man a Nobel. Look, I don’t know if you guys got the memo, but we live in a post-sexuality reality show world now, all right? You don’t get to use your homophobia as a judging criterion. The judges’ problem seems to be not with the guys themselves but with the concept of same-sex ballroom dancing, and, uh, it’s not like Misha and Mitchel invented it. Even I, who know nothing about dance, knew there was such a thing as same-sex ballroom dancing. Anyway, Misha and Mitchel don’t make it past the choreography round. A-plus for effort, though, as Paula would say. (Uh, except for the part where they fell down.)
• A young girl named Allison, who does a dance to the Star Wars theme with light sabers and kitty makeup. Mary calls it “prancing around” and Nigel says she “comes from a different planet.” Allison is dismissed, and she cries. Not sure what was going on there, or why Fox chose to show it to me.
• 18-year-old Elias, who does a hip-hop routine with his little brother, which includes Elias doing a really disgusting thing with his stomach. Nigel calls it “extremely entertaining.” Uh, sure. Mary calls it “the cutest thing I’ve seen in all five years.” They put him through to choreography, but he doesn’t make it to Vegas. I think Mary just wanted to make out with him.
• Natalie, another previous auditioner, dances around in a terrible tunic and bare feet. Sonya got chills (they’re multiplyin’!). Apparently Natalie only just barely didn’t make it through last year, and everyone loves her, so she gets a ticket straight to Vegas.
• Brandon, also a previous auditioner and one of the exceptions to the everyone’s-white-in-Denver rule, wears Daisy Dukes and does the kind of dance I can tell right away is amazing. He reminds me of an actor, and I’m tempted to say it’s Sean Patrick Thomas but that’s probably just because this whole show has me thinking about Save the Last Dance (and speaking of which that new Wayans Brothers movie looks awful, not to mention irrelevant since STLD was like 10 years ago). Brandon makes Mary cry because she could never dance like him. Neither could I, but I’m not crying about it. But that’s why I’m not judging SYTYCD. Anyway, Brandon’s going to Vegas.

Throughout it all, the judges keep talking about how much fun it is to watch everyone, and I guess I can see how if you were in the room watching this stuff it might indeed be fun. Watching it sitting at home I mostly just felt bad for everyone. Even the people who made it through. It just looks like so much effort, and for such a small chance of payoff. But hey, they’re following their dreams.

So, anyway, provided no one gives Nigel any future opportunities to discuss his feelings about other people’s sexual orientations, I think this season will be okay. Next week, it’s Miami and Memphis, both of which I assume will have nonwhite people in them. Hooray!

Season 5, Episode 1: New York and Denver Auditions (originally aired May 21, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro