The Celebrity Apprentice: I Guess I’m Going Down

This week on CelebApprentice: You’re fired, you’re fired, you’re fired, and no surprises!

First! We revisit Joan’s will she/won’t she be back exit from last week, following Melissa’s bleeping pit-viper firing. Jesse thinks Joan’s out for good, while Annie, aka The Smartest Woman in the World, knows that it takes a lot more to kill Joan Rivers. For one thing, Joan’s only half-human, with all the work that’s been done. Okay, Annie doesn’t say exactly that, but if she’d have seen the Terminator: Salvation promos that I saw this weekend, she’d have thunk it.

Clint Black hands over his $20,000 check to his brother, in honor of Clint’s niece. As we all consider that maybe Clint does have a soul, the troops line up outside of the Boardroom for the next task. Why here, instead of some other, exotic NYC location like the NBA store? Because how else can Joan Rivers make her dramatic (not) entrance? Yes, she’s back! And that is your first non-surprise of the evening!

The task: To write a new jingle and thirty-second radio spot for Chicken of the Sea tuna. Immediately, Brande and Annie panic because they’re tone deaf and up against Clint Black. They underestimate the influence of Clint’s Ego. Because this challenge is fifty percent musically-based, Clint cannot see the potential for failure and therefore, accepts the mantel of PM. It’s Annie’s turn to lead over on Athena.

Annie and Brande work together on the commercial and the lyrics, and by “together,” I mean that Annie basically wrote everything, and Brande kept time on a stopwatch. Not that Brande didn’t contribute creatively, but I think we all know that Annie’s capable of only allowing so much input from another person. Annie works with Athena’s musician to put together a pretty decent jingle.

Over on Kotu, Clint spends ninety-five percent of his time on fifty percent of the task. While he writes, directs, mixes and whatever-else-you-do-in-a-studio to his jingle, Joan and Jesse complete product research, direct a pair of bad voice over actors, and then perform the radio spot themselves. Clint’s jingle sounds nice and catchy, but Joan points out that it’s too slow. Clint does not believe her. Because he’s Clint Black, yo! He listens to and shoots down other ideas Kotu provides, but in a much politer way than we’re used to. Jesse, for his part, works with Clint instead of against him, so there’s more harmony, less fighting, and the same amount of Clint Ego as before.

To the Boardroom! There’s not much drama to stir up since Brande and Annie get along so famously, and Joan and Jesse now stand by their leader. So right into the winners and losers! The executives loved Joan’s humor and Clint’s jingle, but they worried that it might be too Country. They liked Athena’s jingle and product message. So the winner is … Athena! Annie wipes away tears because she (alone) wrote a winning jingle (herself) that beat out a tune by superstar Clint Black, without any natural musical talent (or help from anyone else). Isn’t Annie amazing? And isn’t it amazing how amazing Annie thinks she is? You know who never needs a publicist? Annie. Because no one can talk up and sell this woman better than Annie Duke herself.

As Athena heads to the champagne room, Trump grills Kotu in a short, unnecessary Boardroom. Though he liked their jingle better, it came down to what the executives liked best – and it was the Countrified jingle which hurt Kotu. That means … Clint Black, you’re fired. And America wins this week.

Actually, America loses, because the real winners are the Chicken of the Sea executives. Because the number of times we had to listen to these jingles was outrageous. There’s product placement, and then there’s whoring out your product completely.

Kotu rejoins Athena, where Joan sucks the life out of the champagne room because she’s pissy…that Athena won? That Clint went home? All of the above? No way to tell, but Annie interviews that Joan’s a cancer. Eventually, Trump calls them back into the Boardroom for the next task: Interviews, to be conducted by none other than previous Celebrity Apprentice, Piers Morgan! Twist! Then the final two!

Piers conducts his interviews. He thinks Brande isn’t smart enough, and it would “demean” the show if she made it to the finals. Ouch. We see the part of the interview where Piers is fairly insulting, but not the part where she’s an idiot, soooo … ok? Piers calls Joan “complicated,” and she must defend herself against her walkout and her dislike of Annie. Instead of a mea culpa over Annie, Joan renews the attack. The Hitler references continue! Apparently, Hitler is too over the top even for Piers, who worries to Trump that Business isn’t Personal, but Joan is. He calls Annie the smartest contestant, but she claims that the others just don’t play the game as well as her. That I’ll give her – there seemed to be a general respect among most of the celebrities, but no passion to win. For many, this experience seemed to be a way to fire up some publicity, as opposed to actually playing a game. Everyone thought it was Trump sending them home – forgetting that their opponents included everyone else in the room, and they’re going to try to send you home, too.

Finally, Piers hammers Jesse about not calling up wife Sandra Bullock for money, and pushes some buttons in order to draw Jesse out. However, though Jesse clearly becomes irritated, he still doesn’t break out of his stare and monotone voice, and continues to keep references to his wife at a minimum.

To the Boardroom! Trump rehashes his discussions with Piers, and when asked, Annie says she loved Piers. So I’d like to take a moment to echo a statement that Joan made in an earlier Boardroom: Annie loves everybody! I’ve really about had it with Annie’s fawning and fakeness. If you say the same thing about everyone, then the compliment becomes worthless. And if you lie to your boss’s face just to make a good impression, then you really are a hypocrite. Not Hitler, but not likable all the same.

But I digress. Though Brande makes a kind-of strong case for herself, the Trump Trifecta claims that Brande relied too much on Annie to win her tasks. So … she’s fired! Joan keeps her bad-mouthing of Annie to a minimum, and touts her ability to accomplish anything. Jesse says he’s not a salesman, and likes to lead by example. It means “a lot” to Jesse to be a blue-collar worker making it this far with a chance to win. Unfortunately, Trump still can’t draw a response out of Jesse about how he’d raise money in the finals – would he or would he not use Sandra Bullock? Jesse remains tight-lipped, while we know from previous interviews that Jesse’s saving his opportunity to raise money for the end. Except … Jesse’s fired! So no fundraising for you, Mr. James.

And the final two are: Joan and Annie! Not a surprise that Annie made it, and who really thought the final would be Rivers-free?  Especially as all this hate developed between Annie and Joan. Joan’s got to win this one for Melissa! I mean, for charity!

Joan’s unhappy about the final two, and Annie’s now going to take this personally. Uh oh!

And WTF? Next week is a THREE HOUR finale! Trump is officially crazy.

Next week: The end is nigh!

Season 2, Episode 10 (originally aired May 3, 2009)

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Sundays at 9/8C on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Ali Goldstein