The Fashion Show: The Must Have

In case you hadn’t heard, Project Runway packed its bags and headed over to Lifetime.  The new season of PR doesn’t start until August, so now Bravo has given us this knockoff.  The hosts are Isaac Mizrahi and Kelly Rowland.   Ms. Kelly and Mizrahi!

No ma’am.  I hate the opening song.

So we start off meeting the gaggle of contestants.  There really are too many to concern myself with, so we’ll have to do this:

• Laura – sustainable materials, organic sources, fair trade, and tree-focused carbon offset programs

• Keith – his photo on the Bravo website has him wearing a tee shirt with a flying unicorn on it

• Lidia – inspired by her Russian heritage, beautiful people, different cultures, and art

• Anna – holding distaste for the principles that money means power and thin means beautiful. HUH?!?!?!

• Johnny R. – his personal aesthetic is messy, oversized garments that can be worn in multiple ways to allow consumers to make each piece their own. He looks like Roseanne in the movie She-Devil.

• Merlin (yes, Merlin) – a Mexican spitfire who has designed for Paula Abdul

• Reco – his style is ultra glamorous and oozing with high voltage sex appeal, and he designed for strippers in college to pay da bills

• Haven – self-described “control freak” and “bitch”

• Markus – has a boring bio, but he says that he went to the best fashion school in the world

• Daniella – Talking about being strong and sexy.

• James-Paul – worked at Vivienne Westwood and claims his secret weapon is “his brain.” He seems very robotic.

• Jonny – co-founded a North Hollywood artistic compound, appeared on America’s Next Top Model and the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency

• Kristin – Chicagoan with white and red hair

• Angel – master’s degree from Columbia who is inspired by high tech fashions

• Andrew – a well-established designer of designer underwear.  Also known as the “Pantichrist.”

I must describe Merlin’s outfit.  He is wearing a completely red body suit, complete with a long coat and hat.  The hat has a jewel and long pheasant feather coming out of it, and he has on white knee-high boots.  In two words: fantastically awful.  I already love him the most.

In walk Ms. Kelly and Mizrahi.  Kelly is so pretty.   Like amazingly pretty.  But I don’t understand why she’s on this.  She’s not a fashion icon.  She doesn’t have a fashion line of her own.   I guess she just had some time on her hands while she waits on Beyoncé to finish her latest tour.  Isaac Mizrahi has on a smock of sorts with a puffy collar around his neck.  Um, he always dressed well when he had his talk show on Oxygen, so I don’t know what all this is about.

Reco is broke and needs the money because he lives at home, and his parents will drive him crazy.  He is from Tennessee and has this great country accent.

Ok, so this show has its version of a Top Chef Quick Fire.  These fools are calling it the Harper’s Bazaar Mini Challenge.  This challenge is to make a little black dress in an hour.  Isaac takes off that crazy neck roll to reveal a black tee shirt, which is all that the designers will have to work with.

All of the designers work.  Some of them are doing dumb things like using garment bags, using hair, and using purple thread.

Merlin marks his sewing machine by leaving his boots on the station, and dances off saying, “Keep it creative!  Keep it creative!”  He is PISSED to come back and find one of the interchangeable other designers working on his machine.  He doesn’t understand why his white boots didn’t let her know that this was his machine.

The judge for the mini challenge is from Harper’s Bazaar, Laura Brown.  She insults almost everyone’s gowns.  For example, she says that Reco’s dress is well done for “Vegas” and whatever stripper wears it will make a lot of money.

Laura Brown picks her three favorites:  Merlin, Keith and Johnny R.  Johnny R. is pleased because he is into instant gratification.  Gag.  The prize for the winners is that each of them will get to choose their teams for the elimination challenge.

Merlin – in a fur hat and a tank top – tells us that he is not pleased about working in teams.

The three winners will pick teams by looking at the dresses.

Johnny R.’s team: Reco (who knew he’d be picked because of his “sewin’ ability”), Markus, Haven, and Laura.

Merlin’s team: Angel, James-Paul, Danielle, and Lidia (who was picked last).

Keith’s team:  Andrew, Johnny, Kristen and Anna.

Tonight’s Elimination Challenge involves the “must have” pieces.  It’s a trendy item at the moment and will work with different outfits.  Each team will come up with the one piece that will go with five different looks.  The five outfits must create a cohesive collection.

Jonny R – a pair of harem pants!?!?!?!??!?   (Reco, who is challenging Merlin for my favorite, says that’s just a couture name for Hammer pants, as in M.C. Hammer)

Keith’s team – a tube skirt

Merlin – a bolero jacket

In the fabric store, Merlin freaks out on Daniella because she really wants to use navy, and he says, “I’M THE LEADER!”  Nevertheless, he caves to her request to use navy, despite his belief that it will look like it is for old ladies.

In the work room, Keith is wearing a tee shirt with too deep of a v, showing off his underdeveloped chest.  Also, Merlin and Daniella continue to have issues on the length of the bolero jacket.  Most of these other people take themselves too seriously and bore me to tears.

They are staying at Le Parker Meridien, so the show has to show them there getting drunk and ready for bed.  That’s the rules.

The next day, Merlin is terribly disappointed with his jackets.  Merlin and Daniella continue to have spats.  Merlin tells Daniella that she dresses like she’s 40, and he reminds her, “I AM THE TEAM LEADER!”  Merlin chops off part of his jacket, and much drama ensues as all of the others have to do the same thing now.

Isaac and Kelly come into the room and ask the designers to gather around.  Kelly tells them, “You will have to impress more than Isaac and MYSELF!”  Ok, look, “myself” is something called a reflexive pronoun, and that was not the proper use.  I need for people to learn proper usage of a reflexive pronoun because it is a pet peeve of mine.  IT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!  (Whew.)  The episode’s fashion show will be in front of a bunch of fashion “insiders” from the industry, and they will judge the looks.  The winner of the challenge will have his or her outfit produced and sold on online at bravotv.com.  Uh, THAT’S THE PRIZE?!?!  Is that good?

Isaac wants to have a look at everyone’s stuff.  I’m not pleased that the judges also critique the work in the workroom.  It seems a little like cheating to me.  Isn’t the whole idea to judge the work on its own, away from the personalities?

The following activities occur during Isaac and Kelly’s trip through the workroom:  skepticism towards the harem pants; Haven admits to not being a good sewer, and it shows; Merlin blames Daniella for the judges’ perplexed looks regarding the color of their bolero jackets; concern about whether the models will be able to get the tube skirts/dresses on (Kelly: “I need some butter and a miracle to get this on me!”); Kristen never stops running her big, fat mouth.

Kelly and Isaac have a discussion on what they saw in the work room.  Team Merlin does not have a lot of cohesion, but Team Johnny seems to be working together well.   They are also concerned about whose bright idea it was to double line the double-stretch fabric for the tube skirt/dresses.   Finally, they are concerned about being embarrassed in front of the “industry insiders” coming.  Isaac is wearing a bandana tied around his neck like Fred from Scooby Doo.

The next day, everyone has high anxiety because it’s the day of the first fashion show.  The runway is a triangle.  All of the models get dressed while the “industry insiders” arrive.

It’s time for the show!

Team Johnny, Must Have Item: Harem Pants

• Reco has paired his harem pants with a tank and a bomb-ass, sculptural collared jacket. Everything is in purples and grays. It’s a “professional” look.

• Laura’s “casual” look has a cardigan and a gray tee with a hood. Isaac comments that it looks like she has drapery around her waist.

• Johnny admits his pants look awful for his athletic look. There’s an unattractive crop top, too.

• Haven’s outfit is supposed to be for cocktail hour. She hates the top, and so do I. It’s this horribly sewn boxy nonsense with dumb shoulders.

• Markus’s formal looks pretty great actually. He has a sequin panel in front with white panels on either side. The back is organza.

Team Keith, Must Have Item: Tube Skirt/Dress

• Kristen has a red top with a white floaty with skirt and the tube skirt almost completely hidden underneath. Blech. There are black hose and white shoes with it. UGLY.

• Johnny D’s skirt is so tight that the girl cannot walk in it. Literally, she can barely walk. It’s soooooo tights. The model looks HORRID.

• Keith’s design is a high-waisted version of the skirt with a flowery top, but it’s too tight, too. It does not look good.

• Anna’s “professional” design is too tight with a badly cropped, red jacket.

• Andrew’s looks far and away the best. It pairs the skirt with a classy ivory sleeveless top. The neckline is cut in such an interesting way to give it structure.

Team Merlin, Must Have Item:  Bolero Jacket

• Daniella’s casual look. It’s a navy suit with a red shirt underneath. She says it’s about sophistication, but Merlin says it’s old fashioned flight attendant. I’m on Merlin’s side with this one. It’s so pedestrian.

• Merlin’s cocktail hour outfit looks a bit like a high fashion court jester. Merlin squeals in delight when she walks out. His model rocks the gown for him. Daniella says it’s a circus outfit.

• Angel’s professional look involves a strangely layered skirt, and Ms. Kelly says that the jacket is not falling correctly.

• James-Paul has a severe black gown with the navy bolero. It’s quite good looking. There is all kinds of interesting shape and movement to the dress that I’m not good enough to describe.

• Lidia has paired a blouse with a navy skirt. The blouse has a really explosive, exaggerated collar. I don’t think it looks good.

Judging.

Kelly, Isaac, Fern Mallis, and Elie Tahari.

Kelly says that there was not one piece among the “must have pieces” that she cared to have.  Isaac says that they need some criticisms.  Fern says that these were good ideas that were badly executed.

Isaac says that he was embarrassed at the fashion show and that he would fire any of them if they worked for him.  They all let him down.  OUCH!

The audience chose the winning team, and the judges will choose the winning designer from that team.

Johnny’s team is safe, and Haven is in complete shock.

Merlin’s team is the winning team, and he does a joyous crazy dance.  He is wearing a patching argyle skirt and hat with an afghan as a scarf and a skin-tight red tee shirt.  Daniella and Merlin fight on the stage in front of the judges, requiring Isaac to step in and give a life lesson.

The top two looks on Merlin’s team are Merlin’s look and James-Paul’s look.  Daniella rolls her eyes.  James-Paul delivers some strange story about how he only works with rectangles and squares, and Reco rolls his eyes.  James-Paul wins!  He is very excited.  As excited as a robot can get.  You can buy his outfit on bravotv, but this is a recession so spend wisely.

Keith’s team is the worst team.  Isaac cannot believe how badly the team executed the idea.  Kelly says that they were all too small.  The bottom two are Kristen and Jonny.  The audience’s ideas of Kristen: “bargain basement,” “poor quality,” “what was the designer thinking.”  Elie Tahari cannot picture an occasion to wear it.  Fern can’t find the “must have” piece.   Johnny’s design was “slutty,” “ill fitting,” and “made the model’s breasts look weird.”  Jonny struggles to defend his outfit.  Isaac calls the skirt unforgivable.

The judges say that they need to deliberate.  Fern votes Jonny.  Elie says Kristen’s wasn’t wearable.  Kelly says that she wouldn’t be caught dead wearing either.

Jonny is voted off, with the worst tag line ever, “We’re just not buying it.”  Give me a break.  Jonny has a tearful departure, saying that his friends told him that he’d go all the way.  I hate it when your friends lie to you.

Lord have mercy, this show was dull.  This show makes me miss Project Runway so much.  I need about half of these heifers to be put out to pasture, then maybe I can manufacture some interest in this foolishness.  So help me, Merlin’s nuttiness is all that makes it exciting.

Season 1, Episode 1: The Must Have (originally aired May 7, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal