The Tudors: Fourth Time’s a Charm

Recall from last time, Henry killed Cardinal Pole’s family and is on the hunt for the new wife, but without seeing the face of potential mate Anne of Cleves, caveat emptor.  Tonight we learn that if you care about appearances, you want to see your future spouse ahead of time.

Cromwell dispatches Mr. Holbein, the artist, to draw a “pleasing” portrait of Anne of Cleves, but that’s okay because “surely all art is a lie.”   But paintings aside, the Catholic rulers of Europe are preparing for all out war with England, and so the Council is preparing England’s defenses.  Among those are the crafty ways of Sir Bryan who is still trying to assassinate Pole.  Henry, though, is still focused on Anne as a potential mate, and with a flattering portrait in hand, Cromwell again presses the case that Henry marry her and strengthen the alliance with the Protestant League.  And the Duke of Cleves is demanding a high price for his sister Anne’s virginity, yet on further consideration, Henry will take her without a dowry only entrance into the League.

On the coast of England, though, the Beacons of Gondor are aflame.  The ships are a-comin’!  But upon closer look, the ships are merchant ships bound for Constantinople.  Clearly they are lost.  And Eustace Chapuys, the Holy Roman Empire’s ambassador, dispels Henry’s misperception that the Emperor and France have entered into an alliance.  Henry is all “Fools me twice, shame on me,” and dismisses him.

In Calais, Charles Brandon tends to the arrival of Anne, who is still veiled.  Due to a storm, Brandon spends time teaching Anne how to play cards.  Brandon reports back to Henry but still no word on her appearance.  But it seems Henry is pretty randy and probably won’t care much either way.  In fact, he’s so, er, enthusiastic that he rides toward Rochester for a royal booty call.  The initial greeting and kiss don’t go well and Henry leaves, probably to find a new mistress.  And Anne’s self-esteem that is already rather low drops even more.

Henry convenes the Council to complain about his new horse-faced bride.  (Insert silly Julia Roberts joke here.)  He is quite angry with Cromwell for the deception and he wants a way out of this.  Cromwell wants to continue with the German alliance because he has reports that France and Spain have renewed their alliance.  Henry is not amused but receives her at court.

We fast forward to the wedding day.  Henry reminds Cromwell that he failed in finding a way out of this situation and that Henry is not pleased with Cromwell’s service.  Still, the wedding happens and our newlyweds enjoy a nice game of cards as members of the court look on and wait for them to consummate the marriage.  As the couple retires to bed, we have to watch Henry’s frustration . . . as nothing happens.  The next morning he tells Cromwell that she smelled and he couldn’t touch her.  Seriously, that’s what he said.

He asks his doctor about his lack of sexual desire toward Anne.  We (and the good doctor) are assured that this is not a physical problem with Henry because he had two nocturnal emissions the night before.  Well, that’s good to know!  Cromwell is also concerned and calls Anne in to impress upon her the need to get jiggy with the king.  But, in a nice twist, she’s also grossed out by the king and his smelly pus leg.  Still, this will not deter her.  Those German girls are hearty!

But in talking with her lady in waiting, Anne is given a quick sex-ed lesson: “He must put his member inside you and stir it.”  Yep, that’s exactly how it works.  Just like making instant pudding!  Anyway, we end on a final awkward scene where Henry tries to be with Anne but winds up, ahem, ahem, stirring his own.

Oh boy has this show gone off the deep end!  I don’t care how historically accurate the business with Anne is (and it is, thankfully) but the storytelling is choppy, what we see is rather uninteresting, and it just feels like this season has been phoned in.  At least next week, we’ll have a good old-fashioned execution.

Season 3, Episode 7 (originally aired May 17, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession