The Tudors: So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, goodbye.

And now for the season finale of The Tudors, like the axe to Anne Boleyn’s neck, may this be swift.  We begin with Henry discussing to the Council that he has yet to consummate his marriage to Anne of Cleves, and he believes he is unable to do so because she was never lawfully released from her prior engagement to someone else.  And we ALL know how strict Henry is with the wedding vows.  Ahem.  Anyway, he asks the Council to figure a way out of the situation, and all the weight is on Cromwell to make things right.  Charles Brandon makes sure to remind the king that the whole idea was Cromwell’s from the beginning.

Brandon speaks with Sir Bryan about the king’s concerns with Anne.  Apparently this is all code for Bryan finding Henry a new mistress. He welcomes the challenge and goes looking for orphaned aristocrats.  His result?  Catherine Howard, who comes to court for full inquiry by Brandon.  And no, that’s not code for shenanigans.

Duke Phillip comes to court to meet with Mary, as arranged by his cousin Queen Anne.  Mary likes him, as evidenced by her awkward flirting.  She gets to listen into a conversation between Phillip and Anne, where he sings Mary’s praises.  Do I hear wedding bells in the air?  He thinks so since he pulled the old “you stepped on my foot whilst dancing, now let’s go into an alcove and make out” routine.  But he was eventually recalled from England, which devastates Mary.

Brandon reports to Henry that it appears Anne’s original marriage contract was not revocable and he believes Henry will be able to get the marriage annulled.  While Henry ponders these difficult matters, he spots Catherine Howard and calls for her.  They make small talk, he shows her a ring steeped in history, and she hikes up her dress.  Henry declines the, ahem, invitation, but he orders Cromwell to give Catherine some land and houses.  Cromwell sees where this is leading, but Henry says Cromwell is still in his good graces.  But as with all things Henry, he next takes an audience with Brandon, who reports from the French ambassador that the king of France might be more open to an Anglo-Franco alliance if Cromwell were no longer in the way.

And now we pause for some “tasteful” nudity before Henry and Catherine consummate their extramarital activities.  Smoke, if you got ‘em.

When we return, Cromwell attempts to call Council to order but is instead arrested for treason.  This all seems very contrived–almost as much as the treason business at the end of last season with the Boleyns–but in Parliament, there is a proposed bill of attainder against Cromwell for sedition and heresy.  It passes and Cromwell is condemned to death.

But Henry wants a favor from Cromwell first: a signed document explaining the complications in Henry’s marriage to Anne, the lack of consummation, and the original impediments to the union.  Of course Brandon is quite pleased that he gets to deliver the message.  And Cromwell writes what he needs to write.  Henry, in turn, let’s Catherine read the document aloud in a mocking tone while she and Henry lie naked, post-coitus no doubt.  Well, I guess she wasn’t kidding when she said she could read letters.

The court celebrates the end of Cromwell’s tenure, and the night before his execution, Bryan takes the executioner out for a lot of drinks.  The executioner can barely stand up when Cromwell arrives at the scaffold.  Still, Cromwell gives a final speech restating his loyalty to the king, a request for mercy and forgiveness, and acknowledgment that he reached too high above his station and this is what he deserves for his pride.  The very hungover execution takes four stabs until a yeoman intervenes and finishes the job.

At the same time, Anne is told that her marriage has been declared null and void.  She consents to the annulment.  In exchange, she is considered the king’s sister, entitled to a castle and stipend, and is free to marry again.  She sends her best wishes to the king and leaves.

We end our season with a pensive Henry watching a naked Catherine swing back and forth on a tree swing set.  How artistic!

Somehow I feel like we the audience have been the naked fool on the swing this unfortunate season, only riding naked (splinters and all) sounds more enjoyable than these past eight episodes, which is saying something for a medieval English history major like me.  And if I couldn’t sit through this tripe, I don’t know how anyone else did.  Perhaps next season, it will be better but I’m not optimistic.  Meanwhile, if you want a great Showtime show that can go the distance over three solid seasons, Showtime is rerunning the first season of Dexter starting May 31.

Season 3, Episode 8 (originally aired May 24, 2009)

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Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Jonathan Hession