Year One: Whatever

All week, when I’d tell people I was planning to see Year One, they’d wrinkle their noses and say, “What’s that?” And I’d say, “You’ve seen the ads, it’s Jack Black and Michael Cera,” and they’d say, “Oh, yeah, I know what that is.” And then they’d say, “Hey, do you want to see Away We Go this weekend?”

But I would not be deterred. (And also, I have Krasinski issues.)

Figuring Year One to be the kind of movie best appreciated by a big, laughter-hungry audience, I hit the multiplex after work on opening night. It’s summer; it’s got two funny stars; it had that trailer that was hilarious except for a couple of borderline offensive jokes; what’s not to love?

Well…

Year One (which, incidentally, is mistitled; it actually appears to be set several thousand years B.C.E., seeing as how its story takes place whilst all the events of Genesis are occurring simultaneously) feels like a poll-tested contemporary comedy aimed squarely at the Males Ages 12 to 24 bracket. The filmmakers basically collected a random sample of the men who are currently considered funny (only Seth Rogen is missing, and I’ll leave it to you to decide whether that’s a drawback), sent them back in time and dressed them in funny clothes, added some fart jokes and a carefully portioned quantity of misogyny, and threw the transgender character into a fire pit.

Also, I’m pretty sure the movie’s actually about Barack Obama.

Year One will, no doubt, appeal to a lot of people. Like the guy sitting next to me who, despite being well above the aforementioned age bracket, always laughed loudest at the jokes that involved feces. But the movie felt, more than anything else, like it was trying too hard. To be funny, to be shocking, to reinterpret Monty Python (which, I’ll admit, I also have mixed feelings about. There are sequences in Meaning of Life that always make me giggle to think of (“Get that, would you, Deirdre?”), but I always felt like I was missing the joke in Life of Brian.)

Year One is also the kind of movie that contains a bajillion offensive jokes, but if you’re actually offended by them you’re made to feel humorless and uncool. So, I spent two hours being alternately amused, offended, grossed out, and bored, in various combinations. For others who will admit to being the sort of humorless uncool people who do sometimes get offended by things, I’ll note that it’s probably best to avoid Year One if you’re easily bothered by jokes about sexual assault, gay people, Judeo-Christianity, the President of the United States, or bodily functions.

Also, Olivia Wilde is in it. And that is all I’m saying about Olivia Wilde until September.

Judd Apatow produced Year One, but didn’t write it; the screenplay is by the guy who played Egon in Ghostbusters and those two dudes from The Office. And, yeah, it’s well-written. It’s also well-acted and has some very clever conceptual stuff going on. I particularly liked the biblical Isaac played as a rich teen stoner kid, and the chase scene conducted via oxen-drawn carts going down dirt roads at half a mile an hour.

But is the movie actually worth seeing? Or, rather, is it worth seeing sober?

Because it wasn’t that funny. There are funnier movies. Most other movies starring either Jack Black or Michael Cera, for that matter, are funnier. You know what’s awesome? Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist is awesome. High Fidelity is awesome. Year One is not awesome. So, yeah, no. Save yourself the $10.75 and Netflix one of those other movies instead.

See Tanya’s review here!

Top Chef Masters: Slipping The Diners Some Tongue…

It’s time for a little international competition! And yet, we end up with a snoozer this week. Even with interesting foods and an uppity Frenchman. I feel like I should have an arsenal of anti-French jokes at the ready, but I usually can’t think of any because I’m so befuddled by the accent. It’s just funny to listen to, isn’t it?

The Frenchy is Ludo Lefebvre, and who else immediately made reference to Labyrinth? Ludo! But we also have Wilo Benet of Puerto Rico, representin’ yo! Also, Rick Bayless, who you may remember as a previous judge on Top Chef (as was Wilo Benet, but I guess I wasn’t really paying attention during the Season 4 finale), and Cindy Pawlcyn, who’s … old. That’s not me talking – she reminds us a few times that she’s not as fast as the younger guys, plus there’s the gray hair, so what are we supposed to think?

Quickfire. The chefs must create a dish based on a color. The judges are Chris Oliver, Joanne Cianculli, and Christina Peters: food authors, stylists and photographers, judging on taste and appearance.

Red is “intense,” and so is Ludo, so he should nail this one, right? Rick is officially the most talkative and most enthusiastic contestant. I kind of want him to shut up, because he’s not giving us much substance. Cindy talks about breaking through sexist barriers and overcoming her own low expectations, but she has an interesting story, so talk away, girl. Rick … eh, not so much.

We learn early that Ludo is intense – he loses track of time and “freaks” out a bit that his dish isn’t perfect. Rick’s eagerness visibly irritates him, but Ludo seems to take it in stride. I’m irritated and I’m not even there, so I’m guessing Ludo’s showing major restraint.

Ludo’s red dish goes over “okay.” Cindy’s dish delights with its mixture of texture and shades of yellow. Rick uses mostly vegetables for his green dish, and it’s “very tasty.” Wilo’s orange salmon tartare is the clear favorite. As a result, Ludo receives 3 stars; Cindy 3 ½; Rick 4 stars, and Wilo wins the Quickfire with 4 ½ stars.

Elimination Challenge. Create a street food dish for public diners using offal. I’m grossed out from my seat at home. Ludo decides to do a quesadilla with his pig ears, prompting Rick to interview: “What does a French guy know about quesadillas?” To which I ask, he’s a chef, right? Shouldn’t he be able to make something so simple? The only problem is that Ludo knows nothing about quesadillas, including how to make them, so Rick actually helps him shop. But then Rick decides to do tongue tacos, and Ludo turns pissy because he feels Rick stole his idea. But Rick is a chef specializing in Mexican food, so … I guess Chef Bayless is entitled. Ludo says he’s not here to help people, he’s here to win…even though he asked for and accepted Rick’s help, so I don’t feel bad for him.

Cindy makes a menudo with tripe, so I guess when you need something fast and simple with offal, go Mexican. Wilo uses beef hearts to cook tripleta in pita bread.

Ludo’s bad attitude – wait sorry, his competitive attitude – continues to carry over into the kitchen, as apparently, Rick tries to help him pack and Ludo wants Rick far away. He feels Rick copied him and has an easy go at things because of his Mexican training. His only goal at this point, is to beat Rick.

After a three hour prep, the chefs set up at Universal Studios to cook for tourists. The judges arrive and mix in with the diners. Rick’s tongue tacos are “brilliant,” and Gael would go back for seconds. Wilo uses too much garnish and too many textures – though the meat is tender, they can’t get to the “heart” of the dish. Get it? Because he’s cooking heart? Never mind. Ludo struggles as he cooks his quesadillas, taking too long to prepare his dish. He rattles on Frenchly about his technique, le blah le blah le blah, but he eventually serves the judges, and thinks he’s being charming. His dish is “kind of like a grilled cheese with pig’s ears.” The meat is cooked well, but doesn’t gel with the cheese. Cindy’s menudo could have used more spice and kick.

Critics Table. As usual, we have some redundancy here, as the judges – er, critics – repeat their comments from the tasting, and the chefs basically talk about everything we’ve already seen. So…on to the scoring!

Cindy’s lack of seasoning lands her in the bottom with 15 ½ stars, just under Ludo who fnishes with 16 ½ stars. Wilo collects 19 ½ stars, but Rick wins with 22 ½. Ludo takes the loss graciously, which just goes to show he’s not as bad as his attitude suggests. He seems to let things blow over fairly quickly. And so, Rick wins $10,000 for his charity, Frontera Farmers Foundation, and moves on to the finale.

And I’m just happy that this episode is over, because this one was an effort.

Next week: Neil Patrick Harris, and mind-numbing cold. Hopefully, not mind-numbing entertainment. Get the Doogie jokes ready!

For another opinion on this episode, check out A Top Chef With a Beef Heart of Gold by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 3: Offal Tasty (originally aired June 24, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Top Chef Masters: A Top Chef With a Beef Heart of Gold

This week on the third episode of Top Chef Masters we have a new line-up of four chefs competing for a place in the championship round (and money for their respective charities): Wilo Benet of Pikayo (San Jorge Children’s Foundation), Cindy Pawlcyn of Mustards Grill (Community Health Clinic Ole), Ludo Lefebvre of Ludo Bites (C.H.A.S.E. for Life), and Rick Bayless of Frontera Grill (Frontera Farmer Foundation).

Quickfire.  Kelly has the chefs draw knifes, with each knife having a color on it.  The chefs are to repeat the Season 2 challenge to create a dish based on their assigned colors.  Cindy is concerned because she’s old and Rick is concerned because he’s slow.  While I try not to read the subtitles when Ludo talks, I think this seems like an interesting group because after Cindy talks about how women weren’t always welcomed as chefs, Wilo decides to include edible flowers on his dish because the judging panel is composed only of women.  And it seems that Bravo only censors out English profanity, as we hear a big “Merde” from Ludo as he forgets a component of his dish.  After our colorful presentations, Wilod’s orange salmon dish wins the challenge, and you Top Chef fans will recall that the orange dish won the last time on this challenge.

Elimination Challenge.  Create a street food dish for Universal Studios attendees.  The catch is they must use a unique protein: beef hearts (Wilo), tongue (Rick, who says he loves to eat tongue), tripe (Cindy), and pig’s ears (Ludo).  Ludo rants about how he knows how to cook every part of any animal ever!  At Whole Foods, though, Rick questions what Ludo knows about quesadilla, and Ludo thinks Rick is copying him when Rick says he’s making tacos.  Apparently, it is on!

At Universal Studios, they have an hour to setup next to signs saying what gross animal parts they’re passing off to people.  They serve without complications, except for Ludo, who’s got a line forming because he’s so slow.

Critics’ Table.  Our usual panel is up and Gael’s gimmicky hat is front and center.  Again, they are impressed with what everyone did, even if some aspects fell flat.  Ludo is given the award for the most difficult ingredient, and with those lowered expectations, he did well.  But it is not enough to top Wilo’s winning hearts.

As an aside, I like that the judges can score individually instead of reaching a consensus.  Perhaps they can implement this system into the regular Top Chef, but then you cynics will say that then they can’t control who stays on for personality/ratings purposes.

Next week: Neil Patrick Harris!

For another opinion on this episode, check out Slipping The Diners Some Tongue… by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 3: Offal Tasty (originally aired June 24, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

So You Think You Can Dance: Invasion of the Scary Guest Judge

We’re starting off good. Cat’s dress is a vast improvement over last week’s two ensembles. Actually, I kind of want it myself. But I am sufficiently self-aware to realize that I cannot pull off the same look as a 7-foot-tall beautiful blonde British woman.

Intro time! Why do they all always spin in these? Is there some spinning requirement? I love Melissa’s ballet intros. I just love Melissa, period. Caitlin has some serious hair happening. I miss Max.

The guest judge this week is Toni Basil. She’s about to get a Living Legend of Hip-Hop Award. Uh… this is the first time I’ve encountered Toni Basil, but I can confidently say she is the most un-hip-hop looking person I’ve ever seen. She’s wearing a beret. And Wikipedia lists Paula Abdul as one of Toni’s “associated acts,” whatever that means, so again, not so much with the street cred here, Toni. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

This week’s question for the contestants is “What would you be doing with your life if you weren’t dancing?” And, as we’ll soon see, the answer for most is effectively “I have no idea, because I have absolutely no grip on reality or what this thing is that people call a ‘job,’ and therefore I am very very lucky indeed to have been a good enough dancer to make it onto this show.”

Our first dancers are Karla and Jonathan. Karla, if not for the dancing, would be a journalist. Jonathan would be an acrobat for Cirque du Soleil. That seems like a cheat answer. They’re doing a hip-hop routine choreographed by Dave Scott that’s all about hats. Jonathan is having issues because he doesn’t have an inner gangster. Jonathan’s kind of cute; I hadn’t noticed that before.

Their dance involves lots of running around. Jonathan looks good, for once. Karla looks way better, though. Jonathan’s silver pants are my favorite thing about this routine. They also do some cool flips and stuff, but nevertheless it’s all about silver pants.

The judges are talking more this week, I guess because the shows are still two hours long but have fewer performances. Nigel is confused about this style of hip-hop and found it unexciting and unscary (he prefers to be scared of gangsters). He compares it to “a Sunday School picnic outing,” and I’m sure Nigel’s been to lots of those. He’s especially critical of Jonathan, who looks really sad. Aww. Mary is nicer but still critical and points out that they weren’t in sync. Toni starts talking about the history of hip-hop and I already hate her. Benefit of the doubt abandoned. She says they don’t have a “ghetto groove.” Okay, that beret really was a terrible idea, because it is impossible to take her seriously talking about ghetto grooves. Nigel thinks they’ll be in the bottom three and no one contradicts him, so now Nigel gets to look like he’s a prophet when in reality if they’re in the bottom three it’ll be because he said that.

Next, Vitolio and Asuka, doing a Mandy Moore jazz routine. If they weren’t dancing, Asuka would be making jewelry for ballroom dancers, and Vitolio would be the lead singer in a band. And this is where I start to realize exactly how cut off these contestants are from the real world and this thing you and I call “having a career.” I feel bad for their former guidance counselors, who’ve got to be cringing and running off to blog about how they tried to steer them right. Asuka and Vitolio have some serious off-camera chemistry, not that I’m judging.

They’re dancing to “Heartbreaker,” and therefore I already like their routine, even though once again Asuka’s outfit isn’t doing her any favors. This woman has been cursed by the wardrobe people. The dance is cool, but as usual I don’t get “jazz” from it. At the end, Vitolio holds Asuka over his head and spins her around for about 45 minutes, then hangs her upside down and totes her around for a little longer just for fun. So that was cool.

Nigel says they were fantastic and likes Vitolio’s macho-ness. I’m sure he does. He also mocks Mandy’s choreography. Mary says it was good, but not as good as their waltz last week, and that she expected a little more. Toni says they have the potential to be powerful and that she likes it when Vitolio and Asuka act sexy with each other. Then she keeps talking for a while without saying anything. Shut up, Toni. If you aren’t careful I’ll take away your beret-wearing hip-hop award.

Next, Ade and Melissa. Yay! Just seeing Melissa makes me smile. If she wasn’t dancing, Melissa would open a Pilates studio. Ade would be a sound engineer. Finally, a semi-realistic goal. They’re doing the rumba, which I keep wanting to spell with an H like rhombus, choreographed by Tony Meredith. There is a lot of sensuality in the rumba, we’re told. Ooh, I like Melissa’s shoes. But Ade’s pick is irritating. If I were Melissa I’d be “accidentally” knocking it out all the time.

Then the actual dance starts. Man! Check out Melissa’s dress. I pause my DVR to get a better look. It’s super-sparkly, has random cut-outs, and is just generally and indescribably awesome. Actually, it’s kind of like a toga. Or a sarong over a bikini. Ade, unfortunately, is wearing a see-through shirt unbuttoned down to there. What is up with Ade and the chest-baring? Melissa looks very unballerina-like. And is very skinny, which I didn’t notice until now. But you can see every rib, even through her back, which is just weird, and unattractive. It’s the only thing about her that is, though. Oh, right, the dance. Well, it’s very impressive and hardcore, with some spinning and stuff, and lots and lots of strutting. And they seem to feel very in-character.

Cat makes everyone clap for Melissa for wearing the dress, and rightly so. Nigel calls it “the old sort of Rita Hayworth look,” then compliments Melissa’s back, legs, and hips. Uh… okay, dirty old man. Then he says Ade was great. And then he utters a line he’s clearly been wanting desperately to say since Vegas: “What a difference Ade makes.” Hilarious, Nigel, hilarious. Mary, not being into girls, is more restrained in her praise than Nigel, but offers up a scream nonetheless. Toni says Ade and Melissa were good because they had a good choreographer. Whatever. I’m thinking Melissa and Ade will both make it really far in this, even though they haven’t gotten as much hype as some of the others so far.

Next, Brandon and Janette. Brandon, were he not dancing, would be doing set lighting and design. Naturally. Janette, meanwhile, would be a loan processor in a bank, which she is actually studying to be. Good for Janette! Surely all these people can’t have always been counting on dance to get them through their entire lives. Prior to getting on this show, how successful were any of these people? They’re doing a hip-hop routine, also choreographed by Dave Scott. That hardly seems fair to Karla and Jonathan, to put them up against one of the best pairs dancing in the same genre and with the same choreographer. Or maybe it’s actually extra-fair. We’re told that Dave and Brandon had a little competition during their rehearsals. Does anyone think that secretly Brandon might be kind of a jerk? Because I’m starting to get a little bit of a vibe. Maybe this was Mia’s issue. I just can’t make up my mind about Brandon.

Then the dance starts, and – oh, this is a crime. What have they done to Janette’s hair? Oh, but wait, they both look hilarious. This is definitely another time to hit Pause. Brandon has a bright red sideways baseball cap that is the epitome of the non-Brandon. Janette is dressed like a dominatrix, but, like, a poor man’s dominatrix, in a corset and tights that she probably bought at the stripper store the female wrestlers all shopped at on that one episode of Project Runway a few seasons back. Okay, but I’m going to watch the dance. Hmm. I think Nigel will find this sufficiently scary. Brandon, I will admit, is amazing. This routine looks pretty cool to me. Janette -  wow, I would imagine this is pretty far from spicy salsa, but she looks awesome, and she is working that outfit, and even the hair. It’s just hilarious how different these two people are from their characters. Which is clearly the point. But they both took it and ran with it and made it amazing. Okay, I’m definitely rooting for them now.

Nigel says they look like 50 Cent and Cher. Hee. He says they impressed him by going so far from their styles. Mary is again complimentary, and again screams, but again is not over the top with her praise. I wonder if she regrets making that scream her trademark, since it seems to take a lot of effort and she doesn’t always seem to be up to it. Toni says some blah blah blah about how they were good. They, apparently, had the ghetto groove. Brandon and Janette pretend to be thrilled with her praise instead of embarrassed on her behalf for that beret.

Next, new pair Kayla and Kupono. Kayla would be a model (she’s 18, I’m not going to be mean, I’m not) and Kupono would be a costume designer. He often wears his own creations on the SYTYCD stage. Uh-huh. They’re doing a Viennese waltz choreographed by Jean Marc something, which isn’t easy for either of them.

The dance is supposed to be dreamlike, and it is. Kayla’s dress is awesome, way better than Asuka’s was when she waltzed. Kayla looks way better than Kupono. They’re barefoot, which isn’t something I generally associate with waltzes but perhaps that’s all the rage in Vienna. The dance is pretty, but I don’t find it particularly engaging.

Nigel says it was beautiful and elegant but qualifies that with a lot of things that don’t sound so great, and says he doesn’t think people will vote for them because it wasn’t that exciting. Mary says it had a beautiful flow and calls it amazing, and gives Kupono some technical critique. Then she screams and talks about her stupid train and Kayla and Kupono have to act like this is the most thrilling thing that’s ever happened to them, which I guess sadly it might be. Toni really liked it and calls attention to the lack of shoes and gushes about Kayla’s apparent awesomeness.

Next, Randi and Evan. Hooray! Randi is pursuing a career as a special ed teacher. Yay, another real job. Evan would own a custom car shop, making cars go fast and look cool. Oh, Evan, come on, be a real guy for me. This week they’re being choreographed contemporarily by Mia Michaels, and the dance is all about Randi’s butt. Evan is supposed to be hypnotized by it. Man, I hate Mia Michaels. Is there one woman in this competition that’s less likely to be comfortable with this concept than Randi? She’s a good sport though. But Evan has to act like a perv in rehearsals.

Then the dance starts, and actually, it’s so pervy it’s hard to watch. And yes, I’m talking about a Randi and Evan dance here. My favorite pair, whom I usually rewind and watch two or three times. But this is really just disturbing. I can tell they’re good though. I keep looking away from Evan, since the perviness bothers me so much, which gives me more opportunity than usual to recognize that Randi’s dancing quite well. Even if mostly I just feel bad for her for having to do this.

Nigel talks about how simple the choreography was, and is more explicit about not liking it than he usually is. But he notes that it was beautifully danced. Then he talks about the perviness and implies that it was a good thing and says the word “butt” about fifty times and ew ew ew why do they let this man on television? Randi looks like she’s trying really hard to act professional and not bothered by all this. Evan looks like he just feels gross. Mary says they were terrific and screams and sounds like she genuinely wanted to scream this time. She says starting tonight she finally sees Evan as a leading man. She talks some about how this couldn’t have been easy for Randi, and Randi looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Toni talks about how much she loves Mia Michaels and says she’s impressed that Evan and Randi lived up to their choreography.

And, okay, I know I just said up there that I loved how Brandon and Janette took a routine that was designed to emphasize how utterly out of their element they were, and how they ran with it and embraced it and made it amazing and how I loved them for it. And it kind of feels like a contradiction here that I’m not mad at Evan and Randi for not embracing this that much. But… they did the dance. They played their characters, they did what was asked of them, and the judges say it was good, so I believe them. But it really just seems cruel to make them, especially Randi, act out this routine that was supposed to be “sexy,” except that really it was just gross. It feels exploitative and wrong. The supposed sexiness of the routine was so different here than it was with, say, Melissa and Ade, because it was one-sided – the character Evan was playing had some sort of bizarre unrequited fascination with one body part of the character Randi was playing, and what’s sexy about that? And don’t give me Nigel’s stupid thing about how it was the South of France and an old man was checking out some little girl, because that only makes it worse. Evan and Randi are both way too good for this crap, and I’m just glad to know that they’re probably going to make it through so next week they can get matched with a good choreographer.

Okay, I’m done with that and ready for Jason and Caitlin. Caitlin wants to be a broadcast journalist, by which she means she wants to be a TV news anchor. Jason would be a soccer player. Of course they totally would be both of those things. Such easy careers to break into, compared to dance. They’re doing a Paso Doble choreographed by Jean Marc and Frances Genereux. The dance is about how they hate each other. Jean Marc did not approve of the clothes Caitlin and Jason wore to rehearsal, so he ripped them off. Oookay.

Meanwhile, the outfits they wear to perform are awesome. I’m assuming this dance is Spanish because Jason is dressed like a bullfighter. Caitlin has some sort of bikini top/long flared skirt combo going on that’s extremely sparkly and very appropriate to Caitlin’s personality. The dance is dramatic and cool. I love these two. But man, I wish Randi and Evan had gotten this routine. Caitlin and Jason totally would’ve been great with Mia’s number, and they both would’ve been comfortable with it and so it wouldn’t have felt nearly so pervy or gross. Wow, Jason looks amazing. He’s a good actor; I don’t remember noticing that before. That was neato.

Nigel says Jason was performing to the audience and not Caitlin, and that he should use his thighs more. He says Caitlin was good and had a good flow. Overall they didn’t have enough chemistry for Nigel. Well, at least he didn’t talk about any of Caitlin’s body parts. Mary liked it and thinks Jason is hot but has some technical critique for him. She doesn’t scream this time. Toni liked it and says some stuff about living with the music and whatever, just go away Toni. Not totally stellar reviews, but honestly I think people will be voting for them for Jason’s pectorals alone.

Last, Jeanine and Phillip, doing a Broadway routine choreographed by Tyce Diorio. I wish there was more Broadway on this show and less “jazz.” Phillip, if he weren’t dancing, would be an “inventor.” Seriously, he thinks that’s a job. He wants to “create or invent something that will help society.” Jeanine would be an actress, which isn’t much better, but at least it’s an actual job title. Oh, wait, she’s actually done some commercials and “independent films.” Okay, at least she’s actually pursuing it. She’s psyched about doing Broadway because she gets to act. Phillip is supposed to jump over the couch, which is six feet long, which is not easy, and also, if he misses he lands on Jeanine. So that should be suspenseful.

I don’t find the dance particularly engaging. It’s to a song from Singin’ in the Rain. I don’t quite follow the story they’re attempting to tell, but Phillip lands the jump successfully. The dance involves a lot of Jeanine flashing her underwear, as well as much throwing of feathers. After it’s over, we find out that Phillip ripped a hole in his pants at some point, and Jeanine helpfully shows us Phillip’s underwear, which I suppose is only fair, even though it did seem kind of mean.

Nigel says Jeanine brought the right amount of personality to the routine but that Phillip didn’t, not quite. He gives his usual qualified criticism, by saying that he and everyone else in the world loves Phillip and wants Phillip to win, but that Phillip just isn’t good enough at doing styles that aren’t his own. What is up with Nigel’s obsession with Phillip? Perhaps all this supposed hype about Phillip actually consists of Nigel secretly maintaining, like, 30 different Phillip fansites. I bet Nigel still thinks MySpace is the center of the world. Mary is allergic to feathers but liked the routine. She says Jeanine would be great on Broadway. Jeanine clearly needs a better partner. I’d like to see her with, like, Vitolio or someone. Toni says it was “adorable” but not as good as Gene Kelly. Well, come on now, what are we expecting here?

Okay, results show. My predicted bottom three: Karla and Jonathan, Kayla and Kupono, and Randi and Evan. (I would’ve said Jeanine and Phillip rather than Randi and Evan, but I’m assuming the Cult of Phillip is still up and running.)

Fox, I hate to be the one to tell you, but there is nothing “groundbreaking” about More to Love. I can think of a few other adjectives that would be appropriate, though.

Cat is wearing – wow. That takes guts, to wear that one-piece disco-ish black-and-white jumpsuit thing she’s got on. Her hair looks great though.

The group performance seems to be set in a bordello. Oh, great, because the women of this show aren’t exploited enough as it is, let’s cast them all as prostitutes. Man. I keep trying to like this show and then it keeps doing things like this. The guys are all wearing skimpy tops, but nothing that compares to the women’s outfits, and they have to act all lecherous toward the women, even though I’m assuming at least half of them are gay. Okay, I know a decent portion of popular entertainment over the past millennium has cast women as whores and men as gangsters, but do we really have to keep going with this theme in 2009? I knew I should’ve voted for Hillary. Now I hope we get more zombie group performances if this is the alternative. I’m seriously so grossed out right now. Then we’re told Dmitry, Tabitha, and Napoleon choreographed that routine. Thanks. I had liked Tabitha and Napoleon before that.

After that nightmare is over, Nigel talks for a while about the deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Well, it had to be acknowledged, and I guess there wasn’t time to choreograph a new group routine to “Thriller.” Next week, maybe?

Oh, no, wait they’re going to show a clip from the “Thriller” video right now. Am I a bad person for fast-forwarding through it? I like the “Thriller” video but I’ve seen it a million times.

Now that that’s done with, time for results. Sadly, the contestants’ outfits aren’t as dramatic as usual. Evan is wearing a tie, aww. Randi’s in a fairly pretty unitard/dress thing. Melissa has her hair straightened, which is unsettling, and Ade is wearing an Obama T-shirt. Because Obama T-shirts are now sufficiently ingrained in our popular culture to have become part of reality-show dance costumes. Jonathan is wearing jeans and a wife beater. Kayla also has her hair straightened and looks even more like a girl in a Clearasil ad than usual.

The bottom three are Asuka and Vitolio, Karla and Jonathan, and Jason and Caitlin. Wow, there must be some serious hate out there for Caitlin and Jason. I’m really surprised by that. Their routine was so cool and dramatic, and honestly I thought the 13-year-old girls who I assume do most of the voting for this show would’ve been totally crazy for Jason after that performance.

So, I suspect Jonathan and Karla will be the two kicked off tonight, and I’m fine with that.

Next, we see a performance by the Rage Boyz Crew. It’s pretty cool. Half of them are adults and half are little boys in sparkly jackets, and I assume this is a coincidence but it’s very hard not to think of the Jackson Five. The kids dance, and the older guys do flips and stuff. At one point they throw one of the little kids across the stage and I get kind of scared, but they catch him. Cat is totally entranced by all these kids, and I remember that she’s a children’s show host at heart, because she’s very cute with them. Well, that was more fun than that past two weeks’ guest dancers.

Time for the 30 seconds of shame. Asuka looks amazing. I wish I had another reason to like her besides thinking she looks amazing, but she keeps being boring and not particularly impressing me with her dancing. She does the best she can in her 30 seconds, ballroom dancing by herself. Then Vitolio does his usual shirtless jumping around thing. I wonder if Asuka is what’s weighing him down. Yes, let’s pair Vitolio with Jeanine, please. Karla flails and spins. Bye, Karla. Jonathan, who’s been criticized for doing nothing but tumbling, comes out and does some steps, and then, of course, tumbles. Although the dancing looks good too. But, too little, too late. Caitlin does some ballet-ish stuff like she always does when she does solos. Then she does some cool flipping/tumbling stuff of her own. She looks really depressed to be in the bottom again. Jason, who last week we were told did the best solo ever, can’t exactly do the same thing again, and so is kind of screwed. I have no idea if what he does is good or not so I’ll let the judges tell me.

Next, we see a performance by The Veronicas, who it turns out are Australian twins neither one of whom is named Veronica. They sing a song called “Take Me On The Floor.” Huh, I’m getting 4 Non Blondes flashbacks.  But I should note that, just like I know nothing about dance, I know nothing about music either. There are a couple of backup dancers, which I guess is how this performance is supposed to tie in to the show, because neither of the singers is dancing at all. Based on some mic issues (send Ade out there to fix the sound!), I think these two are actually singing live, at least partly. So that’s pretty cool. And, huh, I kind of … like this song. But then they start flirting with their backup dancers and I’m not so into it anymore. And whatever, that’s as much time as I have to spend thinking about The Veronicas.

Time to kick some people off. The judges’ votes were unanimous on the women. They say Caitlin gave the best solo of the night, so she’s safe, although Nigel is rude to her anyway. They say Karla was desperate tonight and had technical flaws in her solo. Then Asuka, who looks so devastated to be in the bottom, is told she’s good but not growing in the competition. So she’s off the show. Wow, I did not expect that. She holds it together as best she can. Cat says she doesn’t know what Vitolio’s going to do without Asuka, and I know Cat wasn’t thinking when she said that but poor Asuka will look back on it and know that Cat, just like all of us watching, knew that Vitolio was going to be safe and that it really was Asuka who was dragging him down. Cat will probably realize that in about three seconds, too, and feel bad. (Unless this whole super-nice-host thing she has going on is all an act, but I don’t think it is.)

Anyway. The judges were not unanimous in their vote on the men. I’m kind of hoping now that Jason gets kicked off so that we can see Vitolio dancing with Caitlin, which I think would be awesome, but I don’t see that happening, not with Jonathan right there. Nigel tells Vitolio he doesn’t always deliver on his promise and needs to stop holding back. Jonathan, whose eyes make clear that he knows he’s done, is told once again that he’s a great gymnast and is “certainly a good-looking lad,” in Nigel’s eyes, but not a good enough dancer. Jason is told his solo this week was “full of desperation,” so not as good as last week, and also that his outfit is bad (and I agree on that one). The judges send Jonathan home, but they’re clearly very mad at both Vitolio and Jason. Maybe that will make Cat feel better about saying that to Asuka earlier. Bye, Jonathan. Maybe Cirque du Soleil will call.

So, next week Karla and Vitolio will be together. I can’t imagine that will help either of them much, but you never know.

Then Cat plugs American Idol’s upcoming rebroadcast of the Michael Jackson episode from this past season. Oh, so does that mean the SYTYCD kids won’t dance to “Thriller” next week? Oh well, they’d probably find a way to turn it into something about prostitution, too, since zombies would be too obvious.

Season 5, Episodes 10&11: Top 16 (originally aired June 24&25, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Burn Notice: Fearless Leader

To quote Mel Gibson in Payback—a movie made before Mel lost his mind—“nobody likes a monkey on their back.” But that’s exactly what Michael Westen has. Detective Paxson (Moon Bloodgood) has her arms and legs wrapped around his back and she’s holding on for dear life. She starts to show up at really inconvenient times, like when Fiona is counting on Michael to help her rustle $5000 out of a dirty criminal. Luckily she can take care of herself, but Paxson makes it clear that until he answers her questions, she is going to keep interfering with his business, even if it gets him killed. Not very nice if you ask me, especially since I still have no idea why a cop would be after an ex-government employee when he doesn’t have a criminal record and she doesn’t have anything on him. I’m not really a fan of this whole storyline so far, it just doesn’t seem credible.

But obviously, what Michael needs to do is find a way to get Paxson off his back. First he starts giving her a taste of her own medicine, showing up when she’s on a stakeout for another case. She begs him to leave and out of common decency, he does. But he also has Sam look into what this other case is she’s working on. Sam tells Mike that Paxson had a harassment complaint filed against her recently by a guy named Matheson, a sleazebag who likes to rip off drug dealers and take over their operations. Paxson was forced by a judge to back off Matheson because she couldn’t get anything on him but kept harassing him. I’m sensing a pattern here. The difference is, unlike Michael Westen, Matheson is a legitimate bad guy.

Paxson is still after Matheson but can’t do much, and he has nothing to worry about. So Michael decides that they should take down Matheson for her, in hopes that she will then realize he is a friend and will leave him alone. So now, whether she wants to be or not, Detective Paxson has become Michael’s newest client. Michael needs a way into Matheson’s organization, and he finds it in a guy named Tommy, who is a small time thug also trying to get in with Matheson. So Michael goes to the racetrack and makes friends with Tommy, pretending to be an even smaller time criminal. It helps that Sam gave Michael a fake prison tattoo.

Michael gets close to Tommy pretty fast and introduces Sam and Fiona as his crew. Fiona sports a hilarious New Jersey accent, and Tommy quickly takes them on a job knocking off a dry cleaner. And because Michael Westen is Michael Westen, he quickly shows off his mad skills and proves himself to be a valuable asset. (Of course Michael finds a way to give the dry cleaner back all of his money). He then takes the committed step of intentionally smacking himself in the face with a steel door so he can have a real shiner to show Tommy. He tells Tommy that he owes some guys up north some money, and if he doesn’t get it, he’s going to have to leave town. Tommy reluctantly agrees to take them all to meet Matheson and see if they can put together a larger score.

Matheson is initially suspicious, thinking Michael and Sam might be cops, but he eventually agrees to let them come in on taking down a meth lab and stealing all the dough and product. That’s because Matheson intends to let them get killed on the job along with the meth dealers so he can make more money. Tommy knows this and tries to convince Michael and everyone not to take the job. Michael then realizes that Tommy really isn’t a bad guy and takes a gamble by telling him the truth about who he is. They then all agree to use the meth lab heist to turn the tables on Matheson and take him down. It’s a good character twist.

From there, we get to see the classic Burn Notice staples of Michael & Co. using hardware supplies and improvised gadgets and a little old-school gun play to outfox all the bad dudes and save the day. Sam has another problem though: he’s being audited by the IRS. Definitely not good. He hears the auditor’s name is Stacey, so he puts on his best shirt and plans to turn on the charm. Then he finds out that Stacey is a man. Yikes. But it turns out that Stacey is someone from Sam’s past with a hidden agenda, although it turns out to be rather innocuous.

With Matheson down, Michael has gotten Paxson off his back, at least for the moment. Now his concerns turn back to finding a way to get his old job back, though Fiona protests again and starts to cry when Michael says that he absolutely will not be deterred from getting back in. Michael seems to have a pretty good life now, I would definitely take it. So you have to wonder why he really wants his old job back, there’s some hidden reason why he must need the job so badly to give himself a sense of purpose. It’s deeply ingrained in his character, he’s a patriot, but who could love their job that much? Well he does, and I’m interested to find out why that is.

Overall this is an average episode, good not great, but hopefully it means that Paxson is out of the picture for the time being and some more interesting (and hopefully more credible) storylines can be introduced now.

Season 3, Episode 4: Fearless Leader (originally aired June 25, 2009)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of Glenn Watson, NBC Universal, and USA

Rescue Me: Manning Up, Eli Manning-style

This week, in case you were starting to think that this show was just about Sex, we open with a slow motion escape from a fire by our heroes and the musical stylings of Duffy. These boys aren’t just about sex and cancer – they’re also FDNY!

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. The crew visits Garrity, shocked by his comatose state. Meanwhile, Garrity continues to dream in musical numbers, complete with tap routine and girls dressed as vegetables. Supposedly this is because the only channel the hospital gets is a marathon of musicals. Later, we learn the television has a DVD player…so I’m not sure why his mom hasn’t put in a copy of Under Siege (are there really Steven Seagal fans out there?), but then we wouldn’t hear what a wonderful voice Steve Pasquale has. I do hope that’s him singing, because he’s actually very, very good.

For the sake of not beating a dead horse, I will not recap how the crew undresses a nurse with their eyes. Although at times like this, I have to believe that Rescue Me imagines its whole audience is male, and they have no problem with that.

Which is pretty funny, considering that a trailer for Harry Potter plays during the commercials. I can’t help but wonder if that was a mistake, or if the late night, mature FX audience fan base includes 12-year-old boys. Or maybe I’m just not giving the Rescue Me audience credit. Sorry, guys!

Lou and Tommy make a bet that Tommy’s sex-triangle will implode before Lou caves in to Candy. Though Tommy’s no-strings attached policies start to fray, Lou calls Candy and in a five minute conversation, he gives in to her. She’s moving in, and though he’s not ready to jump back into bed with her, he’s not completely turned off to a little intimacy. So Tommy wins!

In other news, Feinberg reassures Tommy that he has nothing to worry about regarding last week’s little, ah, faux pas of the Janet variety. Feinberg has something on Needles, which I imagine will be good for a few laughs, so Needles won’t have anything to hold over Tommy.

And now for a very special dinner party with the Gavin family! Katy wants to come home, and for some reason, wants a family dinner with the “reconciled” Janet and Tommy, and Colleen and Black Shawn. Janet forces Tommy to bring a best-behavior Black Shawn, which means an apology for the hosing incident. Not as funny as you think, even with Shawn showing up at the Gavins’ looking like “the lost, retarded Huxtable kid.” Janet convinces a whore-ish Colleen to come and play nice, and it’s amazing the control that Katy has over the family. I’m missing something, because my family would have kicked me out if I had tried something like this.

Everyone covers well enough, with Katy buying into the propaganda. Later, Janet denies Tommy sex because Katy’s home. Watch as this relationship slowly deteriorates back into a real marriage. Even more later, Tommy tries to sneak out, and ends up in a late night conversation with Katy. She’s ecstatic that he’s not drinking anymore, tells him that he turns into another person who inspires fear when he drinks, and questions if he’s an alcoholic. He fumbles through an explanation which she recognizes as denial. He finally leaves, promising that bad stuff won’t happen because of alcohol, and Mommy and Daddy will stay together forever.

His daughter’s frankness seems to be one of the few things that gets through to Tommy. At the same time, it’s a little sad how much an alcoholic will lie to his own child.

Tommy rushes to a booty call with Sheila, but they run out of time. They do manage to fit in a conversation where a befuddled Tommy, rattled by his conversation with Katy, asks Sheila if he’s an alcoholic. She goes on about how a functioning alcoholic is better than a full-blown alcoholic, so he’s not allowed to quit drinking. I absolutely believe that there are crazy people like Sheila out there.

In between all of this, Tommy finds time to visit Mickey, who lectures him about how “drunken tears” and home movies won’t solve Tommy’s problems. Tommy lashes out at Mickey, arguing back that “sobriety sucks” and he’s happier than he’s been in the past year. They both have nice little speeches, but it’s the same thing we’ve been hearing from them both, better explained last week when Tommy rants against an entire AA meeting. Nevertheless, Mickey hands over the DVD. Tommy runs into a problem finding a place to watch it, and finally settles on the player in the hospital in Garrity’s room.

He settles in with a bottle of whiskey, only to be interrupted by Mama Garrity. She and Tommy exchange a few nice words, and without Sean conscious enough to notice, she grieves for her sick boy. She leads Tommy in an Our Father, and he stares up at the home movie as he prays. Potentially, this might be a life-altering moment, or at least have a minor impact on Tommy’s life, but I think we’ve been waiting on that for a while.

Next week: Anger! Grrr!

Season 5, Episode 12: Disease (originally aired June 23, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Cameron Cubbison’s review here.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Rescue Me: Disease

The boys all have a close call in the beginning of the episode, nearly getting roasted by massive flames. But from there, it’s back to life as usual which, for these guys, means trouble. Feinberg actually comes to Tommy’s defense for once telling him not to worry about having been caught with his pants down last week (literally) by Needles because Feinberg has something on Needles when the time comes. Feinberg of course has no affinity for Tommy; he’s only banding with him because Needles busted Feinberg for the same kind of thing, letting Sheila charm him into letting Damian ride along on a call and nearly getting himself killed. Lou marvels in disbelief: “I can’t believe you’ve got Feinberg in your corner. That’s like the Jets and the Sharks joining forces and becoming one giant gay, dancing, singing street gang.” Well said.

Lou also figures out that Tommy is sleeping with both Sheila and Janet but with no strings attached, calling Tommy a fool for believing such arrangements could ever actually work. Tommy turns it around on Lou and says that Lou is in no position to talk since he’s potentially getting back with Candy, the hooker from hell who ruined his life (note: I do not like her).  So a friendly – or should I say spiteful – wager is made betting that Tommy’s arrangement will fall to pieces before Lou gives in to Candy. The stakes? Not money, but something far more high-risk: whoever loses has to clean the apartment.

Meanwhile, the guys now all know about Garrity and go to visit him in the hospital. They stand by his side for a few moments looking perplexed until they all become distracted by a hot nurse. Mike wins this particular challenge by producing real tears and prompting the nurse to come over and take him away. As they leave, Mike turns and grins from ear to ear. “I’ve taught him too much, and now he must be destroyed,” Franco says. Yeah, you know Franco isn’t going to take losing a woman to Mike too well. Then again, Franco is supposed to be involved with the boxer he met last week, but we don’t see her. Actually, except for this one scene, we don’t see Franco either.

Garrity of course doesn’t mind that all of his friends get distracted by the nurse because, while he is in post-operation, he’s still a vegetable. And not only does he know that he’s still a vegetable, but he sings and tap dances about how lovely it is to be a vegetable, showing up even Fred Astaire, in the most amazing musical sequence I have ever seen. I hate musicals in every way; I wish we could disinvent them. I wish I had the power to set everyone who gushes about Rent and Wicked on fire from head to toe, but the Rescue Me musical, I can’t help but love. It’s just so ridiculously insane and offbeat. Hell, I think Garrity should keep doing them even after he comes back to reality.

Tommy’s big challenge this week involves his daughter Katy, who is coming home for a family dinner and she wants Colleen and Black Shawn to be there. Now not only does Tommy have to fake a happy relationship with Janet, he has to get Shawn to agree to go to the dinner and to fake a happy relationship with Colleen. This challenge is compounded by the fact that Tommy recently beat down Shawn with a hose. Regardless, Tommy presents his proposition and plea to Shawn, while Shawn quickly realizes that Tommy wants him to come over but to act, dress, and talk white.

Shawn says he will try to be like Sidney Poitier in Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? but Tommy can’t help laughing saying that Shawn being Sidney Poitier is a bit of a reach. He almost blows it, but Shawn agrees to come because he wants to get back with Colleen. You can imagine that the dinner then involves quite a bit of hidden hostility and under-the-table kicking and cursing.

Tommy continues to drink and remains happy with that choice, having no problem defending himself to Katy or Mickey. He even puts Mickey in his place by telling him that Mickey thinks everyone is an alcoholic and tries to railroad them into AA because he’s jealous other people can drink and he can’t. Tommy says he is grateful, though, to Mickey and to AA because they taught him a valuable lesson: “Sobriety sucks!” I must say I’m with Tommy on this one. There are several instances of typical Rescue Me hilarity, and the show continues to move flawlessly along.

Season 5, Episode 12: Disease (originally aired June 23, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Manning Up, Eli Manning-style by Jaimie Campos.

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

The Fashion Show: On the Job

Is that a terrible and uninspiring opening song I hear?  Then it must be a new episode of The Fashion Show!

Big Bertha says that last week’s episode got ugly, and the competition is bringing out folks’ catty side.  Back in Apartment 3G, Kelly Rowland calls Merlin to say, head to 36^th and 10^th for the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge.  The designers walk into a workspace and are informed that they will be working in pairs.  The designers draw colored spools of thread from a bag to end up with the pairs.  The pairs are:  Lidia &  James-Paul; Big Bertha & Merlin; Anna & Haven; and Daniella and Reco!  HA!  I love that those last two got paired up.

The actual mini challenge is that there are some girls who had too much fun going out last night.  As a result, they did not have time to get dressed for work at their office daytime jobs.  The challenge is to create business outfits using the going-out outfits and stuff in a supplied lost and found.  The winner gets some prize.  Once again, this is dumb.  I would openly ridicule all of these girls if they came to work in my office dressed like any of these designers have styled them.  Why?  BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE THEY THREW SOME JUNK ON OVER THE CLOTHES THEY WENT OUT IN!  The winner of the mini-challenge is Big Bertha and Merlin.  They make a big deal out of a belt buckled turned broach, but the guest judge (some girl from Ugly Betty that’s not America Ferrera or Vanessa Williams) says it looks cool.

The show tries to create tension by letting the designers know that, this week, they will be working for a BIG NAME in fashion.  Hmm . . . I wonder who it could be?  Who have we not seen since the opening credits?  Yes, that’s right.  The elimination challenge this week is to create a look for Les Mizrahi’s upcoming collection.  Nevertheless, I think this is a really good challenge – how novel!  Seriously, I can’t help but think how this show would have been improved if the designers had tutored under a designer all season long.  Big Bertha and Merlin, as winners of the mini-challenge, receive an extra special prize of . . . five minutes alone with Isaac?  Huh?

The design board (or his “mood board,” as he calls it) for Isaac’s upcoming season is exactly what you’d expect:  lots of color and pattern.  It’s pretty awesome.  The designers will have to stay in their pairs for this challenge, and they will only have eight hours to work on this challenge.  I love it.  I hope Reco and Daniella murder each other, so this show will be two weeks shorter than planned.

As expected, Daniella and Reco begin with argument.  Lidia and James-Paul begin with confusion.  Merlin and Big Bertha begin with picking beautiful fabrics.  Haven and Anna begin by agreeing on everything.

I just realized something.  This is a team challenge.  Could there be a chance that both members of the team could get eliminated?!?!  Keep your fingers crossed!

Everyone sews.

Some of my favorite moments:  Merlin telling the audience, “I am working with him [Big Bertha], even though I don’t like him at all,” and the preview of The Real Housewives of New Jersey preview.

Three hours before the fashion show, Isaac and Kelly come through for a critique.  During the critiques, we see that Big Bertha is wearing a tie-dye tee shirt.  And he has made a jacket out of FELT.  Isaac and Kelly are repulsed, as am I.  Out in the hallway, it is revealed that only one person is being eliminated.  Boo!

Time for the fashion show!  Veronica Webb is guest judge, and I love her.

Daniella and Reco – These two send out a mess.  The top is not horrible, a blue top with a rust colored jacket, but the pants.  THE PANTS!!  They look like mom jeans made from a bedspread from the Ramada Inn.  Hideous.

James-Paul and Lidia – Unsurprisingly, it looks wretched.  They have created a taupe dress with a sequined toga on top.  It is intended to look like fish scales, but it looks like mess.  Over that, they layer a large copper . . . jacket?  Wrap?  Bed sheet?  To make it even worse, the model is styled terribly.  Awful.

Anna and Haven – Ok, this look is the bomb!  They have made a pair of culottes (CULOTTES!) from a black and white patterned skirt; the pattern almost looks like hieroglyphics.  The sleeveless top is a multi-colored stripe with large horn details attached around the neck.  Best of all, the ladies have layered a large black jacket over it.  The jacket closes over the model’s left shoulder with two large gold medallions.  Let me repeat:  this look is the bomb!

Big Bertha and Merlin – Wow!  The pair has done a plaid skirt matched with a patterned top.  In between is a large, acid yellow belt.  It sounds crazy, but it looks great.  And it looks very Isaac Mizrahi.  They’ve topped it off with a black jacket with a huge, exaggerated collar.  Don’t really love the jacket – especially the weird horn pieces on it and that it’s made from felt – but this whole thing looks good.

Judging time!  Well, there’s no secret here which two are the top and which two are the bottom.  The big surprise of the judging here is how great a judge Veronica Webb is.  She knows her stuff.  The winning team tonight is Haven and Anna!  Heeeeey!  I agree that they should have won, but the version of it on bravotv.com doesn’t exactly look like their design.

With the bottom two, we hear how awful James-Paul’s coat is and learn how clueless Lidia is.  She doesn’t know whom she was designer for, and the dress and coat do not belong together.  Reco and Daniella’s pants are described as granny pants.  Ha!  Isaac says that their color story is uninspired.  Of course, they argue in front of the judges, too.  After a fairly long deliberation, the judges sort them out.  James-Paul and Reco are safe.  Ultimately (and appropriately), the judges eliminate Lidia.  She is very upset in her exit interview, and I kind of feel bad for her.  She seems like a nice gal, so I am sending her good vibes for a successful future.

‘Til next time!!

Season 1, Episode 7: On the Job (originally aired June 18, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Barbara Nitke

True Blood: Keep This Party Going

Another great episode. True Blood is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows.  This week’s episode finds Lafayette still imprisoned by the vampires.  His cellmate met an untimely demise last week when confinement got the better of him. That, and two fangs in his neck.  The vampires continue to question him about their slain friend, and he reveals that Jason was a big purchaser of vampire blood.  The vampires decide they can’t move against him because Sookie is too valuable to them (remember she has telepathic abilities). Lafayette tries to escape but is caught.  His choices are to die from a bleeding gunshot wound (don’t ask) or become vampire dinner.  To save his own hide he suggests that they “turn him.”  He makes his sales pitch and they hungrily oblige him. Now THAT’S gangsta!

Meanwhile Jessica continues to get acclimated to vampire life with Bill and Sookie.  Sookie sees a news report about Jessica being missing, and the teen longs to say goodbye to her family.  Against her better judgment Sookie gives her a ride home, only because Jessica promises to watch from the car through the window.  Well, you know that didn’t last long.  She goes to see her mother and sister, and the trouble begins when Daddy comes home and gets angry. Right as Jessica is about to sink her fangs into his neck, Bill comes to the rescue. Or does he? The last time we see him we can’t tell if he’s going to free the family or turn them.

Back at the bar Maryanne has whipped the patrons into an otherworldly frenzy.  She is clearly evil.  I have no idea if she’s a vamp or not, but Tara better watch out.  Jason better watch out too.  His new church, Fellowship of the Sun, is a little wacky.  Check out their website, it’s funny: http://www.fellowshipofthesun.org/. Jason snags a spot at their leadership retreat, and temporarily befriends another young man on the school bus, on the way to camp. Just like when you were 10 years old.  I say the friendship is temporary because the guy quickly becomes jealous of the amount of attention Jason receives from the minister’s wife and the other church members.  It will be interesting to see how this plays out, especially if Jason’s previous affinity for vamps is discovered. I love this show! It’s got a little bit of something for everyone, and I like the vampire vs. human dichotomy.  HBO really does have the best shows on TV.

Season 2, Episode 2: Keep This Party Going (originally aired June 21, 2009)

For more on True Blood, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO, IMDbPro, and Jaimie Trueblood

Merlin: I’m Merlin, and I’m your density.

Greetings, fellow medieval folklorists!  As the resident (and self-appointed) medievalist at Poptimal.com, I’m pleased to guide you through the adventures of a young King Arthur this summer on NBC.  (Anyone else reminded of The Adventures of Young Indiana Jones?)

We begin our tale with a young sorcerer, Merlin, arriving at Camelot and witnessing an execution for the crime of sorcery.  King Uther Pendragon outlawed sorcery when he assumed power twenty years ago, but now he’s celebrating or at least trying to until a witch makes a spectacle the likes of which we haven’t seen since The Princess Bride.

Anywho, Merlin presents himself to Gaius the apothecary after saving Gaius’s life with illegal magic.  We learn that Merlin was born with his magical powers and did not need to study at Hogwarts.   Our witch reappears, kills Lady Helen, and takes her place–you only can tell it’s not her if she looks in a mirror.

Meanwhile, Merlin is getting acquainted with his new position as Gaius’s apprentice.   He gets into a tussle with prince Arthur and winds up in the dungeon.  Merlin, either through magic or delusions, hears a voice calling for him, at least until Gaius gets him out of the dungeon and into the stocks.  Food fight! One person not throwing food is Gwen, who appears to have thing for Merlin.

But while we ponder whether a period drama BBC import was the best move for NBC this summer, NBC gives us a scene preview from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which comes out on July 15.

After the break, Merlin and Arthur fight, somewhat unfairly because Merlin is sneaking in magic to help him win.  At least until Gaius gives him a meaningful look and Merlin lets Arthur win.  Arthur is impressed.  Gaius, however, is not, but he wants Merlin to take of his shirt.  (Note: That’s not as homoerotic as it sounds.)

While everyone is asleep, Merlin hears a voice calling him (hint: John Hurt) and he leaves to investigate back in the dungeon where he first heard the sounds.  He travels underground into a cave, where he meets the last dragon.  It’s very Dragonheart, but the dragon talks about Arthur and Merlin being bosom buddies and how Merlin must help Arthur ascend to the throne.  Merlin is naturally confused, but the dragon tells him to talk to the fangs and flies away.  I fear this cryptic plot device will be a staple of this production, with unfortunately minimal development.

The next night, Lady Helen is to sing for the entire court.  Her singing is enchanting, so enchanting it puts all present to sleep and covered with cobwebs.  Well, everyone but Merlin because he’s smart enough to cover his ears.  Before she can stab Arthur, Merlin causes a chandelier to fall on her, thereby breaking the spell.  It’s not that easy, though, as she uses her last breath to throw a dagger at Arthur.  Merlin, who can’t use magic in front of everyone, pushes Arthur out of the way.  In return, Merlin is appointed Arthur’s “man servant.”  (Again, not as homoerotic as it sounds.)  And Gaius believes in the benefits of magic, evidenced by the book of spells he gives to Merlin.

/End of first episode./

Intermission!

Second episode.  We open with Knight Valiant getting a magic shield with snakes that will paralyze his opponent.  He arrives at Camelot to compete in the tournament.  Arthur is also preparing for the tourney–he fights the winner in the finale.  It looks like Merlin is also having his own competition with himself as he flirts with Gwen the blacksmith’s daughter.

Merlin uses his magical powers to clean Arthur’s equipment and to dress Arthur.  (Note that the scene was far less homoerotic than the way I described it.)  We don’t see Arthur fight because creepy knight in yellow (Valiant) uses his magical shield to defeat his opponent, Ewan, by having a snake come out of the shield and attack.  Of course no one sees this, except for Merlin who’s assisting Gaius in helping Ewan.

The next day, the tournament continues!  Valiant and Arthur finish their semifinals and will compete with each other. Merlin fears that Valiant will kill Arthur with the magical snake shield.  Merlin sneaks in, cuts a head off of the snake and returns to Gaius to make an antidote for the dying Ewan.  And of course Arthur is skeptical when Merlin tells him about all of this.

While Ewan recovers from the snake bite, another snake creeps in and kills him before he can testify against Valiant.  At court, Arthur presents evidence against Valiant but it is not enough without Ewan.  The king is furious with Arthur for relying on the word of Merlin, a mere servant.  Arthur chickens out and withdraws the accusation.  Of course this leads to a confrontation between Arthur and Merlin, which reminds me of the early struggles another pair of friends experience–new Kirk and Spock, of course.

Merlin returns to the dragon’s cave to hear more about Merlin’s destiny to protect Arthur.  Merlin, projecting the thoughts of the audience, doesn’t like being talked to in riddles.  Hear, hear!

When we come back from commercial, I finally realize the Merlin folks are using the same sound effect knife movement that they use on Top Chef.  Merlin is trying to animate an inanimate dog statue–somehow this will help protect Arthur in the final round against Valiant.  Morgana, the love object of Arthur, helps suit up Arthur before he goes to fight Valiant.

After Merlin finally turns the statue into a real dog, he runs to the contest, activates the snakes on Valiant’s shield, and exposes Valiant for his illegal use of magic.  Valiant tries to go down in a blaze of glory but instead Arthur kills him.  In the end, Arthur and Merlin make up and Merlin continues in Arthur’s service.

So, overall, this wasn’t that bad of an opening.  I confess the first time I watched it, my DVR skipped from one episode to the next and I missed about thirty minutes of explanation in the beginning.  I had already written off the show as even more confusing and boring than the last season of The Tudors, when I realized the mistake.  It’s funny how a story makes much more sense when it’s told in linear form with no skips.  For now, I’ll continue watching and suggest you do the same.  This is a BBC import and their work is usually good for an episode or two to figure out whether the concept is your cup of tea.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episodes 1 and 2: The Dragon’s Call and Valiant (aired June 21, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Todd Antony

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