Top Chef Masters: This Wine Smells Like Tears

This week on Top Chef Masters, Bravo cross-promotes with ABC. What’s that about?

First, meet our chefs! Graham Elliot Bowles, Elizabeth Faulkner, Suzanne Tracht, and Wylie Dufresne. Not that Dufresne. They arrive, much like last week, promoting their restaurants, their causes and coming up with cute nicknames for themselves. Like Graham, who calls himself a punk rocker because he’s the youngest competitor and he cooks with things like pop rocks. Elizabeth, who guest judged in Season 1, is a rock star. Dufresne is a molecular grastronimist (but he admits, that “doesn’t sound sexy”). He’s right. Later, just call him Underdog.

And then there’s Suzanne Tracht, or the Robot Chef. She speaks in monotone and has almost no change in expression. Like Daria, except Daria is awesome. This isn’t a nickname Suzanne picked for herself, but she doesn’t seem the type to … you know, laugh, so I took care of it for her.

Quickfire. Kelly Choi introduces the Quickfire, and holy cow does she not have some fans out there. I don’t like her, but it’s only been two episodes, and this week, her unnatural voice-overs sound almost normal. For the Quickfire, the chefs must create an amuse-bouche using items from a vending machine. The judges will be Season 2 chefs Ilan, Betty and Michael. Wylie worries because he judged one of the challenges that season, but I think it’s great. I hope we see a lot more of the past season-ers doing some judging. It seems fair, no?

Wylie uses the word “druthers” and talks about wanting to have been a professional athlete. Being a chef was the closest thing. O…kay? Elizabeth establishes her reputation as a rebel by using liquid nitrogen and ice cream for garnish. Wylie runs out of time to prepare the dish he really wanted to make, and Graham prepares tuna. Take note.

Wylie’s grilled cheese is too large for an amuse-bouche, and he over-reduces the sauce. Suzanne’s Frito-fried shallots earn good, plate-licking reviews. Elizabeth’s braised beef and orange juice, lemon and horseradish ice cream wins over Michael instantly, but Betty hates it. Ilan calls it “a journey.” Graham’s tuna salad “came from an Ivy League school,” – i.e. “brilliant.”

As a result of the judging, Wylie wins 3 stars (eliciting a few swear words), Elizabeth 3 1/2, Graham wins 4, and Suzanne scores all 5 stars.

Elimination Challenge. Cook dinner for the writers and producers of Lost. The chefs are given a table-full of island-inspired ingredients, namely fruit and meat (including boar, but no polar bear). Time for the twist! Since Hurley can’t cook with fresh ingredients, neither can the chefs, so they receive a list of canned and preserved food approved by the Dharma Initiative (eye roll). Kelly wishes them luck, and says “I’ll see you at The Lost Supper.” Get it???

Over food shopping, Graham lets us know he dropped out of school and joined a band, but then realized cooking was just like making music … so here we are. Starting to sound like cooking is what you do when you can’t do what you really want. I should consider taking some classes. Graham and Wylie have known each other for a long while, and Suzanne surprisingly makes a joke and calls them Mutt and Jeff as they shop. Because they make her laugh. She does not actually laugh as she says this. You could assume she’s being sarcastic but … she’s not. Graham and Wylie each take a turn talking about how they’d like to beat each other in this competition, if only for bragging rights and the opportunity to taunt and tease each other for the rest of their lives. That is fantastic motivation.

As they cook, Wylie runs like a madman through the kitchen, while Graham talks to his food. He has a “global approach” to food, and makes tuna three ways. Certainly the three ways show diversity, but what doesn’t show diversity is making tuna during the Quickfire and then doing it again for the challenge. Maybe that’s just me. Suzanne makes a “holiday-like” meal, in that she’s cooking plenty of food and sticking it all on one plate: risotto, wild boar with oyster and beer sauce, and mango corn salad. She thinks she has a great shot at winning this challenge – but says it with no enthusiasm, so … I guess we have to take her word for it.

Wylie creates a dish with chicken and egg (as in, which came first?), and then shows Elizabeth a thing or two about molecular gastronomy, the “dialogue between scientists and chefs.” Elizabeth cooks boar and papaya and yam pudding.

It’s time for dinner, and last week’s judges return: James Osland, Gael Greene, Jay Rayner. In file Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse, and the writers of Lost, who turn out to be huge fans of TC. Lindelof says that there’s been a big dip in quality in Lost since Top Chef. Well, that explains Season 4. Unfortunately, we get no Lost talk, no Lost actors (they’re all popping up over on Ace of Cakes) and these are the writers who have successfully written some of the worst, most annoying characters in television — so boring! (Terrible, irritating characters, but you bet your ass I’m still waiting for the season premiere!)

Generally, the Lost team and judges enjoy most of the food. Over Elizabeth’s dish, most seem surprised they liked the boar, but hate the “baby food” consistency of the pudding. One woman dislikes the papaya pudding because she doesn’t like papaya: “This was never going to be a winner for me.” Way to judge before you eat and be objective, sweetheart. And for charity! Graham is next, and his global tunas wow the diners. Wylie’s chicken and eggs score mixed reviews, but it’s declared classic Dufresne. Suzanne instantly wins over the woman who hates papaya simply by Suzanne saying, “this is like a holiday meal.” All of the diners enjoy Suzanne’s dish.

Critics Table. Gael calls Elizabeth’s boar boring (for real), and Jay says that if Elizabeth had completed her dish, it might have been better. They’re all underwhelmed. Graham’s tuna(s) draw all compliments. James Osland, who doesn’t buy into molecular gastronomy, nevertheless is won over by Wylie’s perfectly cooked chicken. Suzanne’s dish surprised the judges with how well all of the pieces worked together, with everything cooked perfectly.

While in the Stew Room, the chefs bake chocolate chip cookies, initiated by Elizabeth. But good dessert spares no one! Call the chefs back out, and Elizabeth scores the lowest with 16 ½ stars (ouch). Graham narrowly beats Wylie, 20 ½ to 20 respectively. In your face, Dufresne! He’ll never hear the end of it from Graham. But unexpectedly, Suzanne blows them all away with 22 ½ stars. She wins $10,000 instantly for her charity, SOVA, and moves on to the Champions Round.

Clearly, Suzanne deserved it, so no begrudging her there – this result is only unfortunate because of the eight contestants from the first two episodes, she’s the least interesting to watch. The good news: Next week looks like we have some real characters to keep this entertaining.

Next week: A Frenchman cooks quesadillas, snarky chefs, and lots of whining!

For another opinion on this episode, check out Get Lost by J.B. Perlow.

Season 1, Episode 2: The Lost Supper (originally aired June 17, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Top Chef Masters: Get Lost

Last time Hubert Keller was awesome.  This week we’ve got four new chefs competing for a place in the Top Chef Masters final to earn money for the charity of their choice: Graham Elliot Bowles of Graham Elliot (American Heart Association), Suzanne Tracht of Jar (SOVA), Wylie Dufresne of WD-50 (Autism Speaks–it’s a popular charity!), and Elizabeth Falkner of Citizen Cake (Edible Schoolyard).

Quickfire.  Kelly Choi has them create an amuse bouche using ingredients from a vending machine.  The judges for this round are three has-beens from season two: Ilan, Big Mouth Betty, and Michael (sans cold sore).  The chefs pick their items and start cooking.  Of note, Wylie always wanted to be an athlete and cooking was a close second, Suzanne doesn’t like the lack of fresh ingredients, and Elizabeth fires up the liquid nitrogen.  The panel selects Suzanne’s shallot rings and aioli as the top amuse bouche.

Elimination Challenge.  Cook dinner for the writers of Lost.  Kelly explains the show as being about plane crash survivors (if only it were that simple).  Because there’s no pantry on the Island, they can only use a list of pre-approved Dharma Initiative items, plus some Island-like proteins.  It is clear that these guys have no clue what happens on the show.

Service.  The same three critics from last week (including a new hat for Gael) are at the table, plus Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse and other unnamed Lost writers.  Elizabeth presents boar and some other things.  Elliot presents a tuna trio, followed by Wylie’s roast chicken and other things.  There’s a catch: Jay doesn’t have chicken on his plate so he takes an extra from someone else’s place.  Finally, Suzanne serves what she calls a Christmas dinner on the Island, i.e., a little bit of everything.

Critics Table.  Again, everyone is so polite and respectful with everyone.  Had this been Top Chef, Tom would have blown a gasket if someone left part of a dish off of someone’s plate.  But that’s the extent of my criticism of what happened, except for the sheer boredom I felt while watching this week’s challenges.  In the end, Suzanne is crowned this week’s winner.

Next week: Eating things that are inedible.

For another opinion on this episode, check out This Wine Smells Like Tears by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 2: The Lost Supper (originally aired June 17, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Burn Notice: End Run

Burn Notice kicks into high gear this week, taking a page from the Die Hard With A Vengeance playbook. Brennan, the arms dealer from last season that Michael outfoxed and sent running for his life from angry gangsters, is back. Posing as an investor interested in limousines, he has lured Michael’s brother Nate back to Miami and taken him hostage. Using Nate as leverage, he’s now forcing Michael to jump through high-stakes hoops and run all over Miami doing dangerous deeds for him. “Just think of me as your new boss” Brennan says as he smiles with sadistic glee. So now Michael has to complete the tasks Brennan gives him while trying to figure out what they all mean and find a way to change the status quo so that he can save his brother.

After surrendering his wallet, keys and cellphone, Michael’s first assignment is to break into an office and steal a key from a desk. He poses as a janitor and goes to work, but since this is Michael Westen, he doesn’t stick to the mission. He gathers a few seemingly random items and, channeling his inner-MacGyver, produces a makeshift hacking device and taps into the Bluetooth on Brennan’s phone. He then calls Sam through one of the office computers and emails all the data from Brennan’s phone to him. Michael tasks Sam with trying to figure out what Brennan is after and to come up with anything they can use against him. Michael’s gut tells him that Brennan intends to kill him and Nate even if he does everything he wants.

That’s what we get for the rest of the episode, and the setup really works well because it allows us to have a concentrated dose of watching Michael do what he does best: improvise innovative solutions out of complex, high-pressure situations. We see him elude security guards and non-lethally disable them, we see him do all kinds of technological voodoo, role-play, and kick some good old-fashioned ass. Meanwhile, Sam and Fiona try to help him any way they can. They’re invaluable team players, and as Michael announces via voiceover, “the lone spy who always works solo is a myth. You don’t last long without keeping a few friends around.”

Michael also keeps trying to test Brennan, to see how far he’ll go and find out what exactly it is that he is doing for him. It’s like a chess game between these two guys, which balances out all the physical action. It’s not quite Bruce Willis and Jeremy Irons, but it works. Eventually, Michael comes up with a way to turn the tables and save his brother, but all it does is piss Brennan off even more, which means he’ll probably return to wreak havoc on Michael’s life yet again.

As if all that weren’t enough, Michael still has to deal with Detective Paxson. She’s getting more determined by the minute, and she’s getting less and less fond of the games Michael keeps playing to throw her off. She blows a lot of hot air and makes a lot of threats, but so far I’m not really buying her as a big threat. And I still don’t understand why she’s after Michael with a vengeance. Yes, the people that burned him stopped blocking his file from the cops, but wouldn’t that file just say that he was a government agent? Why would the cops be after a government agent when they have no evidence against him? Would they even have jurisdiction? Am I overthinking all this? Probably. This is the best episode of the season so far, and hopefully it will continue to get better.

Season 3, Episode 3: End Run (originally aired June 18, 2009)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of Glenn Watson, NBC Universal, and USA

So You Think You Can Dance: Mary, please, shut up already

So I’m finally on the SYTYCD train. I was actually looking forward to watching it this week. I even recommended the show to someone. I have, like, transformed into an entirely different person.

Let’s get to it. Top 18. Cat is wearing a dress that I can most kindly describe as “bold.” Still looks fantastic from above the neck, though. Man, I hope they do that intro thing again where they all dance to the theme music.

They do! I rewind to watch Evan’s twice. Vitolio’s is really cool. Randi is in a unitard. Go for it, girl. Ade, I think, falls down during his. He recovers well, though. Or maybe that was intentional.

Ugh, then Cat does that “These are the girls, here are your guys” thing at the end again. I was hoping that was just for the first episode. This show thinks it’s the friggin’ Oscars with the gender segregation. Except the Oscars has the excuse of being a million years old. I don’t know why this show thinks it can pretend it exists in an era before co-ed dorms.

Lil’ C is our guest judge. Do each of the guest judges only appear once per season? If I only have to deal with Mia once I think we’ll be OK.

Randi and Evan are first up. Yay! They’re doing a thing where each dancer has to tell us something we don’t know about his or her partner. So we find out Randi is very into her dog and Evan is a “total gearhead.” We get to see some adorable photos of Evan at home in his normal, non-Broadway garb as we learn that he built his car himself.

They’re doing jive, which they’ve never done before, choreographed by Louis. I could watch Evan dance all night. Randi is just sort of there, although I like her personality, and she’s certainly not a bad dancer. If she were partnered with someone else I suspect I wouldn’t care about her either way. They do a thing where Evan jumps over her. Wow. Also, Evan’s shirt has sequins and is way unbuttoned, which is hilarious. And there’s a moment when Randi grabs Evan’s butt, which is also very funny. Overall, awesome. Hang on, I have to go back and watch that routine again.

OK. Judges. Lil’ C says Evan is too subtle and needs to be “more explosive.” Shut up, no one is allowed to criticize Evan. Mary says it “wasn’t that bad” but also criticizes Evan in a technical way that I don’t follow, and I have no choice but to take Mary’s word for it. It would be easier to take her seriously if she did less with the screaming and the Botox jokes, though. Nigel thought Evan would be better than he was, and also has technical criticisms. He thought Randi was better than Evan. Poor Evan is taking all this very well but it’s clear from his eyes that he’s upset. Man, he is pasty.

(By the way, my prediction about Evan, given with the usual disclaimers that I know nothing about dance in general or SYTYCD in particular but that I have seen plenty of reality TV, is that he’s like Troy from season 1 of The Apprentice, or C.J. from season 3 of Top Chef – he’s the fun, talented, quirky guy the audience loves and who gets plenty of screen time, and given that he’ll get through to the top 3 or 4, but his talent won’t be quite strong enough to carry him further when the competition gets that tight.)

Next, Ade and Melissa are doing jazz choreographed by Sonya. Melissa and her sister are married to two brothers. Ade’s real name is really long. They have to act, which they’re nervous about. The routine is really weird, and their outfits are unfortunate, but it looks impressive from an athletics perspective. I’m not clear on what makes this jazz, or what made last week’s jazz routines jazz either, or how this was similar to those. How is this different from hip hop? I can’t even tell if their performances are good or not.

Lil’ C thinks they were great and says something I don’t understand about bumping, which makes everyone squeal. Mary loved it. Ade is dripping in sweat, ew. This is why the guys should be wearing shirts. Nigel clearly doesn’t like Sonya’s choreography but thought the dance was good. And I am now begrudging Ade and Melissa for getting good comments when Evan and Randi got criticized, even though I quite like Melissa.

Next, Jason and Caitlin are doing hip-hop choreographed by Shane Sparks. Jason was once obsessed with Michael Jackson. We see a hilarious video of Jason, looking about 4 years old and dressed up in an MJ outfit and a haircut, even, trying to dance like in the “Beat It” video. Wow, that video is priceless. Good job, Jason’s parents, on preserving that for posterity and handing it over to Fox. Then we see Caitlin doing a velociraptor impression that might make me love her, simply because she had the nerve to do it on camera. I already liked this pair after the Bollywood routine, but now I like them even more, so that was a good intro package. Then their dance is cool and funny, and Caitlin’s outfit is awesome. Think Julia Roberts in the first half hour of Pretty Woman. They are now my second favorite pair after Evan and Randi.

Lil’ C found it corny, and feels perplexed. Mary says they were like Michael Jackson and Britney Spears. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. Nigel talks about how the show has “evolved hip-hop.” He offers mild compliments to Jason and Caitlin but clearly had issues with the choreography. What is this? I have two favorite pairs and they’re both getting criticized? Last week almost no one got criticized. I guess the judges have realized that maybe that wasn’t the best strategy, competitive-reality-show-wise.

Next, Brandon and Janette doing disco, choreographed by Doriana Sanchez. Wait, there’s disco on this show? Awesome! Janette had orthodontic problems as a child, and this is presented as awful, but she looks adorable in all the photos we see. Brandon, we’re told, never works out, he just dances and lifts his partners. Wow, that’s amazing. I mean, Brandon looks like this.  Brandon notes that he and Jeannette are “kind of the same person.” That’s cute. Brandon’s outfit for the disco is my favorite outfit on this show so far. More disco, please! The dance is really fast and includes a lot of sticking your arms out, which I guess is in honor of Saturday Night Fever.  I think this is the week I start liking Brandon. He looks really cool. Why am I liking the guys’ performances so much? The women are generally in better clothes. Please tell me I don’t have something in common with Mia Michaels.

Lil’ C, who we’ll recall does not like Brandon, gives a ridiculous speech about how Janette and Brandon are progressing. I am not liking Lil’ C. He is far too in love with his own opinions. And he needs to stop making up words. He points out that Janette faltered at the end, which I didn’t notice, but everyone agrees that she recovered well. Why point it out for the audience then? Mary thought they were great, and yells about that for a while. She even uses the word “Not!” as a sarcastic negative, which I haven’t heard used in that sense since around 1993. Thanks for sending me back on a mental trip to middle school, Mary. Nigel also loved the performance. He points out that there were more lifts in their routine than in the entirety of Dirty Dancing, which Doriana appeared in. My DVR keeps breaking up while Nigel is talking, which is nice. Also, they talk about how Ade didn’t think he’d make it into the top 20 because he thought his “competition” had already made it in. Hmm. Whom did Ade consider his competition? Kupono maybe? Or Vitolio?

Next up, Vitolio and Asuka. Vitolio is into motorcycles because he wants to be a rock star. Asuka does something disgusting involving saliva that caused me to have to pause my DVR and read a book for a few minutes to cleanse that image from my brain. And now it will be back in my head when I come back around to edit this review, grrr. But on the plus side, Darcy and Elizabeth got together and fought some zombies. (Uh, sorry… spoiler alert?)

They’re doing a waltz choreographed by Louis. Asuka is not attracted to Vitolio and so is having trouble waltzing with him. Hee. They’re waltzing to an Enya song, which I would imagine is not helping either. He swings her all around for a while, which I didn’t know happened in waltzes. Otherwise, it’s what you’d expect from a waltz – pretty and flowy but boring, with her in a way long dress that makes her look not as pretty as she is, but with nice sparkly makeup to balance it out.

Mary pretends to cry, or maybe she actually does cry. It’s impossible to tell with her face like that. She calls it “painfully beautiful” and admits to not liking Vitolio until now. Lil’ C criticizes Vitolio’s “choppy steps” but says it was good anyway. Man, these judges talk a lot. Nigel says anyone who wasn’t touched by the routine is heartless. Guess Nigel and I are once again at odds.

Next, Max and Kayla are doing pop jazz choreographed by Brian Friedman.  Max cooks dinner for his roommates in “the apartments.” What, they don’t all live in a house together? What is this, Bravo? Kayla likes to text a lot. Wow, that’s all they could think of to tell us about Kayla? She’s 18. If she didn’t text she’d be a weirdo. And I am strategically avoiding talking about Kayla’s hairstyle and accessories during her interview here, by the way, because she is only 18 and I don’t want to be mean to her.

Their routine is about Kayla playing a princess and Max trying to steal her throne. Uh, OK. The dance is… weird. I am certainly not getting a princess vibe from Kayla, and Max is… I don’t even know how to describe what Max is doing. Nor do I know the word for that thing around his neck. It’s like a cross between a cravat and a dog collar. I just don’t know how I feel about Max. I could watch him ballroom dance all day, but when he’s doing any other kind of dance, or just, like, talking, I don’t care about him at all.

Judges time. Wow, Kayla has some serious makeup on. The two of them standing still like this look like circus performers. Lil’ C loves them both. Mary loves Kayla but isn’t as sure about Max, but she screams all the same. Nigel calls Kayla a front runner but isn’t quite as into Max, though he says he reminds him of a young Kevin Spacey. Uh… in what possible way? (Incidentally, Wikipedia considers Kevin Spacey a “crooner.” Methinks Mr. Spacey wrote that entry himself.)

Next, Jonathan and Karla, doing a contemporary routine choreographed by Stacey Tookey.  Karla is a bad-ass hip-hop dancer, says Jonathan. Jonathan likes to sing but is not good at it. Well, it’s better than telling us that Kayla likes to text.

Oh my gosh they’re replaying Mary’s screams from last week. Have mercy on us, please.

Karla performs while wearing a nightgown from Victoria’s Secret that looks too slippery for dancing. Jonathan is, in my view, so not suited to this style of dance that it’s hilarious. He needs to be doing some flips. Also, they’re dancing to “Falling Slowly” which can only bring up Kris Allen imagery which is also unfortunate for Jonathan, who so does not compare. I think I wouldn’t like this routine under any circumstances, but Jonathan is so clunky looking and such a terrible actor that it’s even worse than it could’ve been. I think Karla was OK, but it was hard to tell with Jonathan bouncing around up there.

Then Mary tells Jonathan he did that style better than his own (which is salsa). Uh… OK, what do I know. Mary is really, really into him, and Karla too. Nigel was impressed by Jonathan’s center of gravity and is just generally overwhelmed by how good they were. OK, you know what, I’ve been saying all along that I know nothing about dance and clearly this show is simply trying to remind me of that. I still think Jonathan was really hard to watch, but whatever. Lil’ C also thought they were great and that it was “buck,” which is not a term I’ve heard before but clearly it’s a positive one.

Next, Phillip and Jeanine are doing the tango, choreographed by Tony Meredith. Phillip is a super-nerd, in the sense that he’s an engineering major and into science. Jeanine is very into her teddy bear, named Spanky. Neither of them knows anything about ballroom. Their rehearsal involved groping and groin-kicking. I guess that’s dance for you.

Wow, Jeanine looks amazing in her tango outfit. And Phillip looks not too bad either, for Phillip. OK, this is kind of amazing. Wow, look at Jeanine. They do the lifts fine here, no evident groping or kicking. This is way more fun to watch than the tango people in last week’s results show, because they’re Phillip and Jeanine. Remind me to watch that again on YouTube.

Mary gives Phillip an A+ in attitude, but a C- in technique. He was sloppy and didn’t hold his position. Jeanine was a hot mama, Mary says, and her technique was a lot better than Phillip’s, which is not saying much following from that review. Lil’ C was also not into Phillip, saying he had no confidence. He also notes that Phillip has a “huge following.” This is the second time they’ve said this now. Maybe I should read up more on this show to see if these things are true or just the producers trying hype up the show. There’s some business about whether Phillip’s knees should’ve been bent; the consensus is that they should have been, and so Phillip was correct. Nigel sympathizes with the difficulty of the dance but points out that Phillip’s face was visibly strained when he lifted Jeanine, and we get a hilarious replay that evidences this. Nigel says it wasn’t good technically but was great entertainment, and says it was like “taking any guy off the street” and making him do the tango, and therefore forgivable. Clearly, Phillip won’t be going anywhere this week, whether or not they land in the bottom three. Nigel apparently doesn’t care about Jeanine at all since he doesn’t mention her.

And finally, Ashley and Kupono are doing hip-hop choreographed by Shane Sparks. Kupono is mildly OCD; Ashley puked as a child. Right, thanks for that. I am excited to see these two actually dancing since last week all they had was that crash test dummy thing. The dance requires Ashley to be Kupono’s shadow. But then I guess she breaks free, or something. I didn’t get that part. I like the rest of the dance, though, mostly. Kupono looks really good to me. Ashley not as much.

Mary didn’t hate it, didn’t love it; it wasn’t memorable. Lil’ C says Kupono struggled, and so it was hard for Ashley to mirror him, so Lil’ C wasn’t mad at Ashley. Then he talks about finding the serenity within the chaos and I go check my e-mail until he’s done. Nigel was underwhelmed and seems to have not liked the choreography that much, although as always he’s very subtle about pointing that out.

OK, so the bad critiques went to Ashley and Kupono, Phillip and Jeanine (really just Phillip), Jason and Caitlin, and Evan and Randi. And my favorite performances were by Phillip and Jeanine, Jason and Caitlin, Evan and Randi, and Brandon and Janette. This does not bode well.

Results night!

Oh no Fox is not doing a reality dating show with overweight contestants called “More to Love.” Ugh ugh ugh. Oh well, I don’t know why I’m still surprised at anything Fox does.

Cat is wearing a white pantsuit tonight. That is not OK. I do think she’s rocking it, though. Then, later, Nigel will compliment it, which will make me feel slimy.

The contestants do a group dance to a Stevie Wonder song that involves face paint and shiny suits and bare feet. The women have unfortunate hairstyles. There is a lot of crawling around and jerky movements. Are they zombies this week too? Is that like a theme for these results night group dances? Am I just making another newbie mistake by expecting them to be something other than zombies? Ah, wait, it was choreographed by Mia. That explains everything.

Then there’s a bit where they make fun of Lil’ C’s ridiculousness, which I enjoy. Cat, embarrassed for him, tries to act like it’s all in good fun, because hey, she didn’t edit that thing.

Contestant outfit time! I can already tell that seeing the outfits everyone’s wearing for their solos will be one of the major highlights of all the results shows. Two of the three women in the first group (Caitlin and Melissa) are wearing tutus with sports bras. Jeanine is dressed as a dominatrix. Wow, this is by far the worst Jeanine has ever looked. Kupono is doing the thing where one pants leg is pushed up and one is pulled down, which used to be a sign that you were planning to sell drugs, right? Is it now just cool? I doubt Kupono is dealing from the SYTYCD stage. Ashley has her hair done in a gorgeous 50s-ish style that makes up for last night’s hat head. Randi is in need of some deep conditioning treatment.

Then they show us Ryan auditioning for season 6, which is premiering in, like, three weeks or something. The Other Brother hugs him after he gets his ticket to Vegas. Then we see Evan on stage reacting to this, looking thrilled, as you would expect. I kind of think this is unfair to all the unknowns of season 6. But I suppose it’s no different from Brandon and Natalie and whoever else from previous seasons who were fast-tracked through this one. Also, I find it amusing that people who were once rejected always seem to make it way farther through during their subsequent auditions. It’s like the show is admitting that their dancers are getting worse every season. “Well, three months ago, you sucked. But now, everyone else sucks even more than you. Welcome to the top 20!”

(That said, if I do watch season 6, I will be totally rooting for Ryan from day 1.)

The bottom three pairs are Caitlin and Jason, Ashley and Kupono, and Kayla and Max. Well, obviously the judges won’t be getting rid of Kayla anytime soon, but it’s still surprising that she and Max didn’t get many votes considering the praise that’s been heaped on her. Vitolio lets out a roar of triumph when he and Asuka are cleared, and it’s actually pretty offensive, given that he’s standing right next to Max and Kayla, who just found out they’re in jeopardy (or at least Max is). But I can sympathize with Vitolio’s relief.

Then we watch a professional Bollywood dancer perform. Well, it’s better than the tango people last week, but still not that engrossing. Yes, she’s good; no, I don’t particularly enjoy watching dances from movies without knowing the movie’s story. It’s certainly very impressive what all she’s doing with her feet and stuff, though. I wonder if Nigel thinks he discovered her, too.

Now it’s time for the 30 seconds of shame. Caitlin does her ballet-ish contemporary thing and shows off way more of her ribcage than I remember seeing on her before, plus some gymnastics stuff. Jason jumps and spins around. Ashley strikes some poses and doesn’t seem to do very much else. Kupono prances, or maybe this is locking? Kayla really makes the most of her time, jumping and posing really fast. Max does his amazing Max thing. I’m not sure there’s a better dancer on this show than Max.

Then, while the judges deliberate, Kristinia DeBarge lip-syncs her hit single “Goodbye,” which I haven’t heard before but which samples from that “Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye” song, while dancing with a bunch of girls strategically chosen to be not quite as cute as she is. She ends with a hilarious Queen Elizabeth wave (because it’s called “Goodbye,” you know).

This time, the judges aren’t unanimous, and note that they wouldn’t have chosen to eliminate any of the six contestants in the bottom. Wow, that’s interesting. But they eliminate Ashley, which is not exactly shocking, but is sad, since she auditioned so many times. And then they eliminate Max. Wow, that’s pretty awful.

So that means Kayla and Kupono are now partners. Well, maybe Kayla will make more of an impression on me when she doesn’t have Max beside her. Otherwise I don’t see any positives to this. Except, wait! Evan is safe, and will be back next week. OK, I feel better now.

‘Til next time, y’all.

Season 5, Episodes 8&9: Top 18 (originally aired June 17&18, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Rescue Me: Mickey

One of the great things about Rescue Me is that it constantly makes you reevaluate the characters. For the last couple of episodes, I couldn’t believe what a despicable jackass Needles turned into. But this week, he started to win me over. First off, Sean confides in him about his kidney cancer and not only does Needles promise not to tell any of the other guys, he immediately agrees to cover for him at the firehouse during the month that Sean will be recuperating. Later on in the episode, he catches Tommy and Janet in a quite compromising position, and the way he handles it is hilarious. Dealing with the guys at 62 Truck has to be an administrative nightmare, so I’m going to try to cut Needles a little slack.

As predicted, Tommy’s sex-only pacts with Janet and Sheila start to implode, due in no small part to Sheila’s pesky cable guy who has a very disruptive work schedule. That’s all I’m going to say. Speaking of sex-related problems, we get more Colleen/Black Shawn drama this week, and for the first time, Tommy gets totally involved. He even takes a fire hose to Shawn while he’s in the shower, and as anyone who has seen First Blood knows, that hurts like hell. Doesn’t mean it’s not damn funny though.

Mostly, this is a transitional episode that just develops story points already introduced. Candy is still stalking Lou, who keeps ignoring her. Tommy warns Lou though that underneath his shell everyone knows that he’s the biggest teddy bear this side of Smokey, and implores him not to give in to whatever it is Candy is after. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Franco continues his new boxing hobby, though training this week leads not to another fight but to a potential new romance (though knowing Rescue Me, I’m sure those two will coincide soon enough). He meets an intense female boxer who is also a top mechanic and, after almost igniting her pounding wrath on multiple instances, she takes him to a bar to buy him a drink. She seems like she might be an interesting character, but personally, I wish Franco’s ex-fiancee Natalie would die so Franco could adopt her handicapped and awesome brother Richie at the same time that Laura comes back and moves in with him. Actually, I don’t care all that much one way or the other.

Probably the highlight of the episode comes from non-sober Tommy’s interactions with his AA-sponsor cousin Mickey. Tommy wants a DVD of home movies that Mickey has, but Mickey says he’ll only give it to Tommy if he comes to a meeting, having figured out that Tommy left his one-year sobriety chip in the bottom of a whiskey glass. He thinks Tommy won’t show but he does. Then he says he’ll only give him the DVD if he stays for the meeting and addresses the group to defend his choice to give up being sober. He thinks Tommy won’t do it but he does. And because this is Tommy Gavin, he gives a perfectly distasteful, raging, discouraging, and screamingly funny speech about how being sober sucks and how everyone who goes to AA is a self-indulgent, whiny twit, and how he plans to spend every waking moment drinking and being happy and encourages them to do the same. Mickey hides his face in chagrin. I swear there’s basically a great speech in every episode of the show.

No Damian this week, no Feinberg, no Dwight, no Guinevere come to think of it, I don’t even remember Mike being around. That’s all okay, because what we do have is Garrity. In his own dream sequence musical number. Singing. If that’s not a reason to celebrate and welcome the apocalypse, I just don’t know what is.

Season 5, Episode 11: Mickey (originally aired June 16, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out No Resolutions by Jaimie Campos.

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Rescue Me: No Resolutions

Let’s start things off this week with Sean Garrity, who reminds me, physically, of Jason Street. Strike one, Garrity. Sean confides in Needles about his cancer and surgery, hoping that Needles will cover for him with the department (which he does) and keep this from the guys (which he doesn’t). Needles freaks a bit and tells Lou, unable to keep the news to himself. Sean preps for surgery as he continues to fight with his brother. Then he’s off into the world of anesthesia … where he dreams in musical form (everybody needs a musical episode, don’t they?), and … continues to fight with his brother. I’m not sure if the musical moment was genius or more WTF? And honestly, I’m kind of over these two and the constant fighting, so strike two, Garrity.

Lou, meanwhile, maintains his distance from Candy, since he doesn’t want to be her sucker again and he has more self-respect than that – Tommy, however, expects Lou will “fold like a card table”. He doesn’t. Not for a few hours, anyway. After Needles shares Garrity’s secret with him, Lou and Needles head to the hospital hoping to catch Sean before the surgery. Unfortunately, they don’t, and Needles confesses that though he and Sean have always been merely colleagues, he feels a responsibility. Something about Needles’ concern touches Lou, who in turn folds like said card table, and he gives Candy a call. Because, you know, she’s changed and Lou hasn’t. Sucker!

In other news, Franco continues his seemingly pointless boxing story. This week, he meets a female boxer with an alpha male personality who can clearly beat the crap out of him. Too early to tell if he feels emasculated or enjoys her strengths …but I think we can all see how this one ends (my money’s on the woman beating up Franco down the line).

But on to the sex! First, Colleen shows up at the firehouse in tears, and instigates a fight between Tommy and Black Shawn, telling Tommy that Black Shawn called her a whore. This leads to some word-play in the firehouse shower, followed by Tommy’s power-hosing down of Shawn (literally) and the revelation that Colleen likes to do things to a man’s ass that include peanut butter. Look, I don’t like sharing all these things with you, but we’re all watching this show for a reason, so don’t blame me. Tommy’s disgusted by his daughter’s whorish ways, and I can’t imagine why, considering the women in his life.

Which brings us to Janet, who stops by the firehouse to “talk about their daughter,” which is code now for sex. Hilariously, Needles catches Janet and Tommy in the back seat of her car going at it – pre-penetration, Tommy later clarifies – giving Needles leverage over Tommy, who would have otherwise missed a fire rescue.

Later, Tommy answers Sheila’s booty call, showing up at her new place to battle Sheila’s jealousy over Janet, and the perverted cable guy. Tommy loses both battles. He broke Sheila’s one rule about having no sex with Janet on the same day as her (penetration issues notwithstanding), so she kicks him out.

Elsewhere in Tommy’s life: Surprise! Uncle Teddy returns! Huh? Well, apparently, that whole bit about Teddy reuniting a dying vet with his estranged son, which the vet uses as an excuse to spew racist invectives at his son, brings a sense of pride and a job well done to Teddy. He reveals to Tommy that while watching old Gavin family movies that include Tommy’s father, Teddy is struck by an epiphany, and his grief and guilt disappear. Well, if that works for Teddy, it can work for Tommy, right?

Tommy asks Mickey for a copy of the DVD with all of the family movies.  Mickey, however, uses the DVD as leverage to force Tommy into an AA meeting. Guess how well this goes? Mickey cons Tommy into admitting that he’s drinking again and into giving the evening’s inspirational speech to the group; in return, he’ll hand over the DVD. Tommy steps up, turns the speech into an attack on whining, recovering alcoholics, and basically says he gets to drink because he’s a fireman and saves people’s lives and he has bigger cahones than everybody else. Overall, a great speech, but it really points out Tommy’s arrogance in an unflattering way.

Tommy wins this battle and the DVD. He follows Teddy’s directions: insert DVD, pour a tall drink, and then prepares for the tears to fall and the healing to begin. Mickey however, gave Tommy a DVD of one of Mickey Mantle’s final press conferences, shortly before he died of liver cancer after receiving a liver transplant. Tommy absorbs what he’s watching. Then finishes his drink and smokes his cigarette, unfazed.

And there you have it. I found the best part of the episode to be the promos for the new season of It’s Always Sunny… That show’s hilarious. As for Rescue Me, this week it just felt like filler, though it had its moments – if you missed it, you didn’t miss much. But trust me – get ready for more Sunny.

Next week: Lou & Candy, Colleen & Shawn, and Tommy & liquor!

Season 5, Episode 11: Mickey (originally aired June 16, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Cameron Cubbison’s review here.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Weeds: Nobody Likes a Bad Mommy

Weeds – Showtime’s beloved family drama about a mom who deals with the death of her husband by dealing pot, burning down her suburban community, moving to the Mexican border, getting impregnated by a Mexican drug lord, and then ratting him out to the police – returned on Monday night with all its good, healthy, American values intact.

The season five premiere started with a bang – actually two – as Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) ducked on the floor and Cesar (Enrique Castillo) shot two lackeys who overheard that Nancy was a pregnant snitch. Esteban (Demian Bichir) then let Nancy go. Instead of going home, however, she went to the mall to drink one of those ubiquitous iced drinks she’s always sipping on. She also discovered there was blood on her bag. This freaked her out – I guess because the dead guys that got shot for standing at a door weren’t ominous enough for her.

Back at the house Silas (Hunter Parrish), Doug (Kevin Nealon), and Andy (Justin Kirk) discussed their new pot growing plans and Shane (Alexander Gould) showed off his new haircut, height and earring. Aware that Nancy might not be coming back, Shane and Silas rock paper scissored over Nancy’s room while Andy suggested they close it up in plastic so no one can ever touch it. Nancy comes back and is thrilled to see she was so missed.

The next morning, Nancy got a call from Mexico. But it wasn’t Esteban, it was a ransom call for Celia (Elizabeth Perkins) who’s been kidnapped by her daughter Quinn (Haley Hudson, who used to fool around with Silas back in season 1) and her revolutionary boyfriend Rudolpho (Kevin Alejandro). Nancy explained that she wasn’t really friends with Celia and went back to sleep. This was too bad for Celia since her ex-husband Dean (Andy Milder) already said he wouldn’t pay the ransom either.  Then Andy came in and suggested that they all go to Copenhagen to escape the Mexican Mafia – oh, and he loves her. Nancy responded by telling him she’s pregnant. Then Cesar called. She’d be meeting drug lord bf at 2 p.m.

At school, Shane was taking up the family biz by dealing pot in the library. Shane’s English teacher showed up, obviously aware of the situation. But he wasn’t there to rat Shane out, he was there to get a little something to help him grade papers on Anne Frank that night. Shane was happy to oblige.
At the police station, Sanjay (Maulik Pancholy) was talking to Agent Till (Jack Stehlin) about how he doesn’t know anything because he was too distracted by the one good-looking drug dealer to notice anything else. Oh Jonathan, I like you so much better when you’re worshiping at the feet of Jack Donaghy.  Anyway, Rudolpho called and asked Till for a ransom for Celia. Till had some rather nasty words for the kidnapper and dismissed it as a prank. Ah, law enforcement at its finest.

Then Doug got a ransom call while discussing the pot-planting operation with Silas and Andy. He hung up. Then it was Andy’s turn for a ransom call, but rather than answer the question, Andy went off on a tirade about people dying and having babies, even women in their 40s. Because they’re not as dumb as they look, Doug and Silas realized maybe Nancy was hiding something. Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, Celia was shocked that no one would pay her ransom. No one else was. Quinn got ticked and said that if no one would pay, they’d just kill her and sell her organs. Then she ordered Rudolpho to come and have sex with her. She’s demanding.

At her 2 p.m. appointment another bad mother was dealing with her own problem child at the OB-GYN. At a Spanish-speaking doctor’s office, Esteban tried to get Nancy to sign forms she couldn’t read. She resisted and suggested they go to a doctor she can understand. Esteban got aggressive, told her to lie back, and show the doctor that there was a boy in her flat stomach. Left alone on the table, Nancy started to cry. Yeah, pregnant women can be so emotional when their baby’s father is trying to get them to submit to shady procedures while threatening them with violent death if they don’t comply. It’s the hormones.

Elsewhere in Mexico, Celia tried to make amends with Quinn by offering to go to a spa. Quinn responded by showing her mother some lovely photos of what they were going to do to her on the black market. Celia was none too pleased and started going off about how she didn’t live through cancer to die this way. Also smarter than he looks, Rudolpho realized that if Celia’s had cancer, she’s also had radiation, and with a double mastectomy they’d never be able to hide that on the black market. Celia’s organs were worth nothing. Quinn then attacked Celia, but Rudolpho stopped her and she left in a huff to find another revolutionary to commit crime with.

At the Botwin house Andy was dealing with the whole Nancy pregnancy scenario by baking lots and lots of banana bread. Shane wanted to know what was going on, and Doug informed him that his mom’s eggo is preggo. Shane was shocked. Then Nancy came home and was pleased by the bread which Andy made because he thought they could still be friends even though she’s an “irresponsible slutty slut” who had unprotected sex with a “Mexican gangsta”. Obviously touched, Nancy then asked Andy to take Shane up to her sister’s house to keep him safe.

Shane was angry that the pregnancy thing was for real and responded by wondering how old Nancy is. Nancy had no response (answer: older than she looks). Silas wanted to know when the abortion was, but Nancy said she was keeping the baby and Andy pointed out that it was the only thing keeping her Mexican gangster boyfriend from killing her. Shane refused to go to Oakland, he and Silas argued, and then began to wrestle to the floor the way brothers do. Nancy tried futilely to get them to stop by picking up a fresh-from-the-oven loaf of banana bread, burning her hand, and dropping it to the floor. Andy responded with the most apropos line of the episode: “You ruin everything you touch!”

Silas showed no sympathy for his burned mother and left to go plant his weed. Then Shane and Andy left for Oakland. All alone, Nancy headed to an outdoor mall to drink an iced coffee and watch a spontaneous dance performance (not as good as this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&feature=related) which made her smile. Then she realized she wasn’t really alone. Cesar was watching.

Season 5, Episode 1: Wonderful Wonderful (originally aired June 8, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Sonja Flemming

Weeds: Watching Nancy

This week on Weeds, Nancy Botwin’s drug-lord, mayor boyfriend decided that his pregnant, pot-dealing girlfriend required a babysitter. This actually seemed like a pretty smart move considering the stellar decision-making Nancy’s displayed thus far on this show. It might have been better if the babysitter, Cesar, wasn’t also a ruthless hit man though.

So Nancy came down the stairs to find Cesar just chilling on her couch with his hand gun. Good morning! Shockingly Nancy was not too happy to see the cold-blooded killer in her living room and called her drug lord boyfriend Esteban to tell him to “call off his goon”. It’s good that she could maintain her wit in a situation like that. Plus, she spotted a little Jesus bobblehead doll – which offended the cold-blooded killer – with a note on the bottom addressed to “Blanca”, the nickname Guillermo gave her before she snitched on him and his secret tunnel to Mexico to the DEA.

To get her mind off the fact that the father of her unborn child hasn’t decided whether to let her live or die, Nancy went to get a pedicure. Skipping off to get a bikini wax, Nancy disappeared behind a curtain and out the back away from Cesar who was stuck with his feet in the dead skin-eating fish tank. I seriously couldn’t make this up. But she didn’t run far from trouble, heading to prison to have a little one-to-one chat with Guillermo. He said that he knows she was the one who turned him in and that her boyfriend’s going to kill her. She said he won’t. Couldn’t Guillermo tell she was glowing? Well, apparently he didn’t think that would get her out of trouble and with some very unbecoming language told Nancy exactly what he thought was going to happen to her. Nancy also started to realize that he was probably right: she was in way over her head.

Now pretty sure than she’s a dead woman walking, Nancy went to Dean to tell him where she hid all her money and that if she dies Silas should be Shane’s guardian. Somehow that just seems like a worse idea than getting knocked up by a Mexican drug lord. Speaking of, Nancy behaved exactly like the kind of woman you’d want having your child by going to a sushi restaurant, eating raw fish, drinking whiskey, and smoking. Then she got all choked up about how she once leapt from a bridge as a child. The newspaper wrote that she fell, but she didn’t, she leapt. So I guess that means Nancy has always had a little bit of a death wish?

Anyway, she leapt right from the sushi place to her boyfriend’s place. When he came in and was a teensy bit angry about her drunkenness, she grabbed his gun and told him that if he was going to kill her he should do it then. Esteban reacted by, hmm, asserting his dominance in a sexually violent way. Lovely couple these two, really.

In other lovely couple news, Andy got with Nancy’s sister Jill (Jennifer Jason Leigh in glasses – because she’s frumpy, I guess). Andy was sleeping on Jill’s couch along with Shane, with whom he’s hiding out from Nancy’s crazy drug lord life. Andy told Jill – a wife and mom to two freaky twin girls – that Nancy witnessed a murder so they needed to get away. Jill didn’t believe this, but did proceed to get very, very drunk and bond with Andy about how her husband and Nancy don’t appreciate them. Then they had inappropriate sex on the dryer. Shane witnessed this from outside and captured it on his phone. What a lovely family Nancy has.

Speaking of her family, eldest son Silas was out hiking in a national park with Doug looking for a place to grow their new strain of weed. Instead they stumbled upon some other people who had already thought up that idea and they thought to bring large weapons too. Silas and Doug did not think about the large weapons so they were tied up and the chief pot grower found Silas’ weed. But then he let them go, because Silas didn’t have a dad. However, he kept all the pot, leaving Silas with nothing. So how will he be a drug dealer like his mom now? Maybe he won’t? For goodness sake, can’t someone in this family make good? A little redemption in the midst of all this insanity would be nice right about now. But don’t count on it.

Season 5, Episode 2: Machetes Up Top (originally aired June 15, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Monty Brinto

Imagine That!

Imagine That! Eddie Murphy‘s in a movie that’s actually funny! I can’t say that I was jumping for joy at the idea of going to see Imagine That, but I always like to give movies a try, especially when it comes to comedians who I used to think were hysterical.

I understand that times change. Generations age, and humor changes with that. But the previews did look cute. How could they not with such an adorable little girl in them, and I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw. That’s not to say that it’s a great movie because it isn’t. But it’s sweet and when compared to Daddy Day Care and Meet Dave, that’s saying a lot.

In these times, parents could and probably should take a cue from this film. Evan Danielson (Eddie Murphy) is a primo investment banker but also the kind of dad who pays more attention to his laptop and Blackberry than to his adorable little munchkin, played by Yara Shahidi. He’s a shoe-in for a promotion when his boss, played by Martin Sheen is close to retiring. Unfortunately he’s challenged by his co-worker Johnny Whitefeather (Thomas Haden Church), who also happens to be one of the funniest characters in the film.

Not used to caring for his 7-year old daughter, things get a little strange when she starts disappearing under a blanket which happen to also be the doorway into her fantasy world, filled with a princesses and dragons. The story sounds a little timeless, and it is. Hollywood has been escaping into fantasy worlds with children forever. But Imagine That has added a corporate twist when Evan realizes that the friends in her world can also help him get great stock tips, basically the only think that can save him in the fight for the top against Whitefeather.

For Murphy, this character shows him in the best light in a long time. Yes, he’s still all over the place and over the top crazy, but we’re reminded that he can also be quietly funny and realistically intimate. And the real star here, Shahidi, brings her character to life in the most earnest and endearing of ways. If I could pick her up and put her in my pocket, I would.

Writers Ed Solomon an Chris Matheson (all the Bill and Ted movies), create a surprising wonderful story with a full beginning, middle and end. However, the film does lack a little in the direction department. It IS supposed to be a movie about believing in the power of magic, something kids do often and we often lose once we become adults, and that’s due to Karey Kirkpatrick choices. I do commend him for his effort in Over the Hedge, but where he made me believe those animals had come to life, it clearly was a little harder for him, minus the animation, to show that.

All in all, I always appreciate a film that can entertain children while not leaving the adults feeling left out, and though it’s not necessarily marketed to either audience, I couldn’t help but walk away with a smile on my face.

True Blood: Nothing But the Blood

I’m new to True Blood, curious as to what all the fuss was about. I was immediately drawn into the atmospheric series, which features the unlikely mix of romance, gore, and suspense. And what an intriguing brew it is. For those of you new to the series like me, it takes place in the fictional town of Bon Temps, Louisiana, a sleepy southern enclave inhabited by some lively characters.  Or in the case of the vampires, deadly characters.

The new season picks up where the first one ended, rejoining heroine Sookie Stackhouse and her vampire beau Bill. Anna Paquin is very convincing as an innocent girl with a serious gift. She has the ability to hear other people’s thoughts, a gift and a curse of which everyone is aware. I was able to glean that she and Bill had been separated for a while, presumably because he was on the lam after killing a vampire to save Sookie’s life last season. To atone for the vampire he killed, he had to “turn” a new one, which is to bite a human and turn them into a vampire. He returns with a 17-year-old girl in tow, a newly minted vampire. Oh yeah, I forgot one essential detail. In the world of True Blood, vampires are more modern. They don’t need to feed on humans, because synthetic blood exists and is available for purchase just as easily as Red Bull. Now the vampires don’t have to hide in the shadows; they openly dwell among the human. This is not without resentment though, and the show in some respects is built around the tension between humans and vampires. This is depicted in the season premiere by the murder of a human, ostensibly by a vampire. The victim’s heart was extracted and they were left in the trunk of a police car. Because vampires don’t need to feed on humans for survival, the killing was obviously done for sport. Sookie’s BFF Tara knew the victim from an exorcism she performed on her mother, and is questioned by the police, though she’s not a real suspect.

Sookie’s brother Jason is also suspected, and this is not the first time he’s come under scrutiny for murder. He has a predilection for vampire sex and blood, though he himself is human. In this episode he seems to be trying to redeem himself by joining a local church and turning over a new leaf. Interesting tidbit: consumption of vampire blood by a human does not turn said human into a vampire. I guess only a bite does the trick. I had to try and piece together certain things, since I didn’t watch last season. Tara is mentored by some weird lady (presumably a vampire) who is bent on Tara hooking up with another young man whom she mentors. Yeah, I really don’t know what’s up with that, but I think the woman is also connected to Sam Merlotte, who owns the bar where Sookie and Tara work. He keeps having flashbacks involving the woman, and it seems like he’s a vampire too, although I thought he was human. He’s in love with Sookie, who only has eyes for Bill.

Speaking of Sookie and Bill, I see you Anna Paquin! Goodness, this is not the same girl who played Rogue in the X-Men movies. She is much more *ahem* mature in this role. Even though I had to play catch up, I was definitely sucked in and will be tuning in next week. I find the premise refreshing, and I couldn’t turn away from it. I could see how the show could develop a Twin Peaks-like following, but hopefully it’ll be around a lot longer.

For another take on this episode, check out Bad Stuff in Bon Temps by Inisia Lewis.

Season 2, Episode 1: Nothing but the Blood (originally aired June 14, 2009)

For more on True Blood, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO and IMDbPro

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