True Blood: Bad Stuff in Bon Temps

Man, a lot of bad stuff happens in Bon Temps. True Blood picks up right where we left off. You know, at that dead body found in Deputy Andy’s car. But the answer we’re all dying to know; is that Lafayette’s body in there? Our favorite smart-talking, short-order cook can’t be dead.

And thankfully, we learned very quickly that he is in fact alive, but not very okay. Much more on that later. As I like it in the South, things don’t move very quickly in this episode. Hell, they move pretty slowly during the show, but that’s what I like about it. There’s no mystery to solve every week, just one that unfurls slowly and deliberately over an entire season. Yeah, the intrigue practically kills me the entire time, but the payoff, at the end, is worth waiting for.

MOMMY, DADDY AND BABY MAKE THREE

Having just had new, teen vamp Jess dropped in his lap, Sookie’s none to happy to find out that Bill has been keeping her a secret. Oh, and that he had to turn her as a condition of his punishment for killing that vamp in Fangtasia last season to save Sookie. Oof! That’s a mouthful. Things are always so complicated between these two. I guess that’s the allure and why they have such hot, borderline soft-core (Oh my, HBO!) sex. And why we love them. If this beginning in anyway foreshadows the future of their relationship, there are going to be a lot of ups and downs this season.

As a side note, Sookie also finds out that her Uncle Bartlett, the one who sexually abused her, is dead. This is something we knew most of last season when Bill found out what he did and then, well, killed him, but it does put a slight wrench in their relationship. Of course, this is all pre-hot sex, so all is good for now.

BROTHER IN BROTHERHOOD

Things are a little more calm for her brother Jason, though not any less eccentric. Since his brief stint in jail last season, he’s found God, and more specifically, the Fellowship of the Sun. Under their new leader, Rev. Steve Newlin, who happens to be the recently murdered Rev. Theodore Newlin’s son, and flanked by his wife Sarah Newlin, I have a feeling this group is going to get into some crazy, vamp-hating business. And Jason is about to get mixed up right in the middle of it.

It’s clear he truly believes he’s found his calling and his path to salvation. (And Ryan Kwanten is not only incredibly beautiful, hides that sexy Australian accent really well, but is also a great actor.) All he wants is to attend the church’s Light of Day Institute, which is pegged as a leadership conference, but the $1,200 fee is more than he has at the moment. That is until Sookie lets him know about Uncle Bartlett’s death and the $11,000 he left her. Of course, the money from her past abuser, who’s dead because of her confession, isn’t really what she wants. So he gets it all, and the church camp along with it. Too bad with Sookie dating a vamp and her tolerance that he can’t tell her exactly where he’s going.

I KNEW RIGHT AWAY SHE WAS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS, OTHER GIRLS

Everywhere else things are STRAAAANGE. And I can only imagine they’re only going to get stranger. The body wasn’t Lafayette’s but Miss Jeannette aka Nancy LeGuare, the voodoo woman/store shelf stocker, who Tara and her mother got wrapped up with last season. And she’s still staying with Maryann, who definitely falls into that other worldly category we’ve grown to know and love.

For whatever reason still unbeknownst to us, Maryann is playing really hard to get Tara and Eggs together, so much that when her manservant Carl interrupts an almost kiss between them, Maryann slaps him. And otherworldly hard at that. “Nobody needed towels!”

THE NAKED STEALER

Also, where I thought Sam was trying to run from Maryann last season, we find out that he actually met her when he was 17 years old and trying to use his shape shifting abilities to sneak into homes and steal, nakedly, from them. However, this victim chose to seduce him instead. When he freaks out at her 200mph bedroom style (I’d be freaked out too if the person I was “intimate with” looked liked a sugar-rushed energizer bunny too), steals some stuff and runs, what I thought was getaway money was, in fact, “I’ll return your cash and hope you leave” money.

But it doesn’t look like she’s leaving anytime soon because she asks him what makes him think that it’s about him, and when they leave his office, she can’t help but moon at Tara who’s finally making out with Eggs.

ROTATE TO THE BUCKET

And the strangest of them all is our friend Lafayette, who’s stuck in a stone basement and chained to this old school spinning wheel. I can’t even explain it. They rotate so they can poo. Yes, poo. No more discussion needs to be spent on that fact. But, I’m so confused when I first see this scene. I mean, it doesn’t even look like Lafayette, no facial hair and no colorful head scarf and vest. And there are all these other people who we don’t know at all. Who are they?! Where are they?!

But it all becomes clear when one of those rednecks that Lafayette punched and kicked out of Merlotte’s, at the beginning of the series, shows up. We also know that they were the same group who burned down the vampire haunt Sookie thought she lost Bill in last season. Could this be some vampire revenge?

When hottie Eric appears, who also has hair dye foil on his head (hilarious!), we realize they must be in the basement of Fangtasia, but I didn’t think about that too long since he then proceeds to rip the stupid redneck apart. Understandably, since he did try to escape and silver crossed him. (That has to make a vamp mad.) All while Lafayette looks on. I want to scream, Lafayette didn’t kill that gay vamp! He kinda liked trading sex for blood with him, but I don’t think Eric can hear me.

And just like that it’s over. I’m already going through True Blood withdrawal. But there’s no doubt that is how a second season should begin, with murder, blood, sex and some southern twang.

For another take on this episode, check out Tanya Lane’s review here.

Season 2, Episode 1: Nothing but the Blood (originally aired June 14, 2009)

For more on True Blood, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO and IMDbPro

The Fashion Show: Mean Girls

Welcome back to the most loathsome hour of television!  Last week on The Fashion Show, all of the designers (save Reco) insulted women everywhere.  This week, maybe they will murder cats and dogs.

As everyone gets ready in the morning, Merlin talks about how Daniella is unstoppable.  “No one can estop that girl!” he says.

For the Harper’s Bazaar Mini Challenge, the designers have to help some girl running for student body president at her high school.  Her name is Guiliana.   Since she needs to appeal to as many students as possible, each of the designers is assigned a “clique” at the high school, and the designer must create a campaign tee shirt for that clique.  The winner will have immunity.

• Haven gets skater.  She does a hideously ugly shirt with a clever saying, “Get on board.”

• Big Bertha gets jock.  Big Bertha and jock are two words that make me shudder.

• Merlin gets Mean Girls.  He does crazy extravagant something on it.

• Lidia gets nerd.  She does a red, white, and blue shirt with equations.

• Angel gets B-Girl.  She doesn’t know what that is because she is from Indiana.  Look, I am about as cool as you can get, and I didn’t know what this was, so I had to look it up.  It is something about hip hop and breakdancing.  Whatever.

• Reco gets the drama club.  His tee shirt says “To vote or not to vote,” which is kind of clever.

• Daniella gets the tree huggers.  It’s a bunch of leaves in a tree with Guiliana’s name as the trunk of the tree.

• Anna gets goth.  She does a pretty bad ass ripped black tee with zippers.

• James-Paul gets prep.  It’s pink and dull.

The devil, a.k.a Daniella, wins, so she is immune.  Lovely.

The elimination challenge is that they will design a look for a 20-something based on the clique that they were previously assigned . . . and the fashion show is tomorrow!  Everyone shudders.  I yawn.  How many episodes of this show are left?

Everyone goes and buys his or her fabric and returns to the workroom.  Merlin is talking about how he didn’t see Mean Girls because he only made it through fifteen minutes of it.

Big Bertha says the following, “For Angel to not know what a B-girl is is kind of retarded.”  I summon the ghosts of hell to track him down, grab him by his man teets, and drag them back to hell with them.

Daniella doesn’t know how an environmentalist dresses, “except for dirty clothes and dirty hair.”   Again, a repulsive person.  How about this?  Or this?  Or even this?

The designers wake up at 4 a.m. to head back to work.  Angel says that she doesn’t want to get up because she only went to sleep two hours before.  Oh, girl.  Been there, done that.  Sympathize.

Isaac and Kelly come through for their walk through.  First stop?  Merlin, who begins to explain that he is having struggles with inspiration, so he is using an L.A. Girl as the inspiration.  In cut away interviews, Merlin is having a break down.  He is crying and saying that he’s doing his best, but he is very discouraged.

Other highlights:  Isaac and Reco talking about creating an empire waist.  Big Bertha looking like Fred Flintstone and saying he is “over it.”  Haven making a turtleneck to give off the idea of a hoodie.  Kelly making faces when Angel says she did not know what a B-girl is.  (*sigh*)

Is this episode over yet?

Among the peeps arriving for the fashion show are Fern Mallis, Charlotte Ronson, and some other people I never heard of.  And Big Bertha telling them to send his lard ass home.  Let’s get this over with . . .

Anna (Goth) – It’s a very smart high-waisted grey pant, interestingly structured black jacket with a violet top underneath.  When the model takes off the jacket, we see that the back of the top is shredded.  It isn’t really hard core goth, but it’s quite good looking.  The styling of the model helps it look more goth than the outfit.

Reco (Drama) – It’s a fluffy negligee with a plaid vest over the top.  It is ugly.

James-Paul (Preppie) – Ok, so we have a very yellow long sleeve top with a black one underneath.  She is wearing khaki jodhpurs with thigh high boots.  The model’s belt criss crosses her chest.  I don’t know . . . this isn’t preppie to me.  It’s ok, but it’s just . . . well, moving on.

Merlin (Mean Girls) – He gives us a raspberry colored cardigan with a sheer black top underneath with a pink collar.  Black pants finish it.  It sounds hideous, but it looks great!  Totally mean girls, too.

Haven (Skater) – Well, well, well . . . Haven has done a great job here because I can totally see skater here without it screaming SKATER at you.  The black top has a wide turtleneck, but it’s also cropped.  The sleeves are short and bulky.  The bottoms are like high end, fashionable black cargo shorts.  Pretty awesome.

Lidia (Nerds) – Lidia gives us a blue jumper with red accents over a white shirt.  The model has on nerd glasses with it.  I’m registering very little here, but then again, I usually have trouble staying awake for this show.

Big Bertha (Jock) – BB sends a piece of crap down the runway.  It is a four blocked tank top in white and grey, black fringed leggings to the knee, and bulky black shorts over it.  Gag.

Daniella (Tree hugger) – Sweet Jesus!  Her model has on a crazy twirly hood with red things hanging off.  Where did that come from?  Underneath are some really drab clothes, but all of the fabrics are organic.

Angel (B-girl) – Oh, no.  Poor Angel.  The pants are tight and black.  The shirt is long sleeved and black with a puffy aqua vest over it.  It’s just . . . wrong. She’s used lots of lame accessories, too:  a cap, magenta sunglasses, and that scarf you see all over the subway.  This one.

Let’s get the judging out of the way.  Isaac tells them that he thinks most of them really hit their marks, but Fern says some of them got it wrong.  The two best of the night were Haven and Merlin.  Reco and Daniella fume.  Merlin has on a purple full body leotard in purple and orange.  He also has on a huge scarf and a bandana.  He looks a mess.  The judges tell him that he found his inner mean girl with this design.  Kelly tells Haven what the audience thought of her outfit, and Haven laughs like an idiot.  Everyone likes the little black and white checkerboard tag on the waistband of Haven’s shorts.  The winner is . . . Merlin!  He says he wishes he had a Polaroid for the look on Reco and Daniella’s faces.  Ha!  He is completely right.

The bottom two looks of this week were Big Bertha and Angel.  That one was easy because both were dreadful.  Even more dreadful: the comments from the judges.  Kelly tells Angel that she was personally OFFENDED at how badly she captured B-girl.  Really?  Offended?!?  Big Bertha blabs about giving up.  Whatever.  All of it.  WHATEVER.  To add insult to injury, they eliminate Angel because the judges believe that Big Bertha has more talent.  Groan.  I am checking out.

As Isaac always says: Buh-bye, darling.

Season 1, Episode 6: Mean Girls (originally aired June 11, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Virginia Sherwood

The Taking of Pelham 123 Stays On Track

Every once in a while, a filmmaker and a movie star align like a match made in heaven and team up to make a whole series of great films together. John Ford had John Wayne. Billy Wilder had Jack Lemmon. Alfred Hitchcock had Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart. Don Siegel had Clint Eastwood. Akira Kurosawa had Toshiro Mifune. In time, I think Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale and Tony Scott and Denzel Washington should be added to that list. Scott and Denzel have made four movies together—Crimson Tide, Man on Fire, Déjà vu, and now The Taking of Pelham 123—and I’ve been big fans of all of them.

They make exciting, classically constructed, emotionally involving, character-driven action thrillers, a feat all the more rare and needed in the age of mindless, flashy drivel like Transformers and anything Jason Statham is in (not including next year’s The Expendables that Stallone had the charity to give Statham a role in). Pelham is not the best of their collaborations. That title goes to Man on Fire, which I think is one of the greatest action movies and character pieces ever made. In fact, if I had to rank their four films, I’d probably go Man on Fire, Déjà vu, The Taking of Pelham 123, Crimson Tide. Crimson Tide is the most critically respected collaboration they have done (actually, it’s the only critically respected film they’ve done because most critics are morons who consistently snub their noses at action movies no matter how layered the characters and how powerful the performances).

Pelham is designed to work in a way that very few films are these days. It’s set up as a movie star showcase, celebrating the star power of two titans facing off and going toe to toe. The other person in the matchup I’m referring to is of course John Travolta, who people like to dump all over but I’ve always been a fan. I’ll be the first to admit though that Travolta has made a lot of crap and taken questionable roles in the last several years. From about 1994 to 1999 he had an incredible streak. Pulp Fiction, the great fun of Get Shorty and Broken Arrow, Face/Off, which is still the best non-franchise action movie of all time in my book, A Civil Action, Primary Colors, and The General’s Daughter. All are really well made, entertaining movies and Travolta is first rate in all of them. But he’s made pretty much all crap since. Pelham is his best role and movie in years, and reminds us of how delicious he can be as a villain.

I’m sure everyone has seen the trailers for the film. Sony has promoted the hell out of it. Denzel plays Walter Garber, who used to be a big shot in the MTA but has recently been demoted to dispatcher, as he is being investigated for suspicion of taking a bribe. He isn’t a cop or a steadfastly heroic character like Denzel often plays. Garber is just an average joe with a non-fashion model wife who is a little overweight and spills coffee on herself at work. It’s just another day at the office for him until a ruthless ex-con who calls himself Ryder (a tattooed and thoroughly seedy-looking Travolta) takes a subway car hostage deep underground. Garber is, as he calls himself at one point during the film, “just a guy, just a guy on the end of the mic.” It’s sheer bad luck that he was on call that day, though Ryder believes that it was fate. He comes to like Garber so much that he insists on talking and relaying demands only to him, and not the top NYPD hostage negotiator played by John Turturro.

That’s basically how the movie works. For the first two acts, it’s essentially a two-man radio play between Denzel and Travolta. Garber isn’t a SWAT team ace running all over the place, he’s sitting at a desk for most of the movie! It’s a testament to the strength of these two actors that watching Garber and Ryder take it back and forth for most of the movie is so compelling. Denzel brings such an understated, almost dormant charisma to the part which bounces off Travolta’s wildly unpredictable, volatile, and funny psychopath. Key to Ryder is that he isn’t just doing it for money, he wants to take revenge against the city of New York for sending him to prison. He’s a tremendously frightening figure, and there’s a twist to his plan that is really ingenious.
Brian Helgeland wrote the script, and he’s one of the smartest, most talented screenwriters in Hollywood. He makes the film wholly modern, with technology playing a big role in the proceedings, and he also fashions the film so that it essentially takes place in real time, and everything we learn about the characters, we learn through just a few hour period in their lives. But we do learn a lot. We get a lot of seamlessly worked in backstory about both Garber and Ryder.

A lot of people have been criticizing Tony Scott the last few years for being too kinetic with his camerawork and too hard with his edits. He started experimenting like that on Man on Fire, where he shot on reversal stock that he cross processed, in addition to using handcrank cameras to give the film a bleachy, grainy, really saturated look. Normally I hate flash, but Scott did it in that film to actually bring you into the head of Denzel’s character Creasy, to visually express the tumultuous, incredibly emotionally unstable psychology that Creasy was going through, and to show how unpredictable and explosive and dangerous Mexico City is.. And he continues to work that way today, trying to find ways to use the camera to bring you into the heads of the characters. I admire that aesthetic goal. Anything that is character based. He’s certainly nowhere near as flashy as Michael Bay or Paul Greengrass. Now I’ll admit that I think he overdid it a bit in Pelham, because Garber as a character is a much more sedentary character than Creasy was. But it’s not like it ruins or even really detracts from the movie.

Another thing Scott always does really well is create a really interesting tapestry of actors. He used to be a painter, and he says that he tries to cast a film in the same way, trying to bring an unusual, eclectic group of actors together that you wouldn’t necessarily expect and see how they bounce off each other. So in addition to Washington and Travolta (and it really is their show), we get interesting performances from Turturro, Luiz Guzman as one of Travolta’s cronies, and James Gandolfini as the Mayor of New York. Gandolfini is great as the fictional successor to Giuliani.

Pelham is a remake of the 1974 film that starred Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw in the roles that Denzel and Travolta tackle here, but it makes several departures. It’s not a retread. It only uses the basic framework of the original. I know a lot of people have reverence for the original, and while I enjoy it, it is a flawed film and it’s very dated today. Scott’s remake isn’t perfect either, there are a couple of plot things that don’t quite add up and it doesn’t bring anything wholly new to the action movie table, but it’s solid and exciting and satisfying, and it’s just great to see an action movie that features top-tier actors and not meatheads. I would watch the film again, just as I continue to rewatch their other collaborations. And the last several shots of Denzel are just great. I hope he and Tony Scott make many more films together.

Check out Tanya’s review here!

The Taking of Pelham 123

Denzel Washington rejoins director Tony Scott (Man on Fire, Deja Vu) in The Taking of Pelham 123, the movie adaptation of a novel I vaguely remember reading as a kid.  Scott likes to blow stuff up, and neither Washington nor co-star John Travolta is a stranger to the summer action flick. Sounds like a formulaic recipe for success.

Washington plays Walter Garber, a hard-working “everyman” employed by New York City’s public transportation system.  His job is to oversee the subway line from the control center, which contains maps and electronic grids of the underground system.  His day seems like any other, until he crosses paths with John Travolta’s character, a loose cannon who calls himself Ryder.  Ryder gets the bright idea to hijack a subway car and hold its passengers hostage until the city agrees to pay him 10 million dollars. He is communicating with Garber at the control center and gives him an hour to come up with the money, or he will begin killing hostages for every minute the money is late.  And dude is not playing.

The unique thing about the movie was that it didn’t fall into the Hollywood trap of following the “happy ending” rules.  I’m not revealing whether or not the movie ends happily, just that conventional methods are not followed here.  Innocent people die, a marked departure from traditional summertime popcorn movie formula.  Scott effectively captures the atmosphere of the city, with lots of panoramic shots overlooking Manhattan.  The writers kept the action and dialogue between the two leads, and didn’t focus the storyline on any passengers too heavily, which effectively dumbed the movie down, in my opinion.  I enjoy a good action thriller as much as the next person and I think the best ones manage to entertain while still throwing in a twist or two.

That didn’t happen here. There was no intriguing reason for Ryder’s decision to hijack the train.  Nope, just good old-fashioned greed.  That’s fine, but it would have been interesting if there were more gray area or plot twists regarding corruption or secondary unexpected implication of another character.  Working with what we have, the movie was fairly decent and entertaining.  No movie with Denzel Washington is ever actually bad, and this one was better than his last pairing with Tony Scott, Déjà vu.  He effectively conveys Garber’s reluctant heroism, and he and Travolta have a couple of good scenes together, which is no small feat since they don’t actually come face-to-face until well into the movie.  For me personally, Travolta is beginning to creep into Nicolas Cage spaz territory.  He is almost becoming an Al Pacino parody of himself.  The gesticulation, the spazzing out, it’s becoming comical.  He says MF a lot too, which he seems to enjoy.  Alas, I digress.  There’s nothing to dislike about The Taking of Pelham 123, and thus I give it my tepid endorsement.  The script could have been a little smarter, but it was entertaining and straightforward, never trying to be more than it was: a summertime action thriller for the masses.

Check out Cameron’s review here!

Pushing Daisies: Elysian Fields

For Desmond

In our final episode of Pushing Daisies, we are treated to an entire episode focusing on the Darling Mermaid Darlings sisters, Lily and Vivian Charles.  For an emotional last time, the facts were these:

The Charles sisters go to the Aquacade to celebrate Chuck’s half-birthday.  Similarly, Chuck, Ned, Olive, and Emerson attend to cheer up Chuck.  Of course their visit is compounded when they almost run into the sisters.  The sisters also have momentary regret when they run into the headlining act, the Aquadolls–the rival sister synchronized swimming team featuring Blanche and Coral Ramona.

As Jimmy Neptune introduces the Aquadolls’ swimming interpretation of the Star Spangled Banner, the Aquadolls take to the pool. But before Esther Williams can piss herself, Bubba the Shark swallows Blanche whole as she splashes down from a dive.  But before the shark bait is cold, Jimmy Neptune approaches the Charles sisters about starring as the new headlining act at the Aquacade.

With the Charles sisters back in training, our investigative team of Emerson, Ned & Co. are on the case, questioning (and suspecting) Coral, Blanche’s ex-husband Shane Trickle, and Sid Tango.  All signs point to Coral, who’s trying to break up the Charles sisters so she can finally have her one-woman water interpretation of A Chorus Line.  Her strategy?  She threatens Lily with telling Vivian about Lily being Chuck’s mother (and the product of Lily’s affair with Vivian’s fiance Charles).

And while 30 years of secrets are catching up on Lily, Chuck is distraught at the prospect of her aunts going back on the Aquacade touring circuit because it means she won’t be able to look after them.  This creates some tension between Ned, until he realizes that no matter what Chuck will always choose her aunts over him.

But back to the murder investigation.  It turns out Shane Trickle planned the whole thing so his lover, Coral, could get her own show.  In this revelation, Shane tries to kill the Charles sisters during their opening act.  Our gang thwarts his efforts and everyone lived happily ever after.  No wait!  The very bitter Coral tells Vivian anyway about Lily’s affair.  Vivian is furious with Lily and wants her out of the house, but as she opens the door to show Lily out, Ned and Chuck are standing there.

Oh yes, Ned finally realized he was only keeping Chuck from telling his aunts because he wanted her all to himself.  His selfishness, though, came at the expense of Chuck’s happiness, and he can’t live with that anymore.

At this point the season would have ended but we get a quick post-production (and awesome recap tour through the fictional world of Pushing Daisies) and learn what happened of everyone.  Ned, Chuck, and the Charles sisters become a happy family, Emerson’s daughter Penny finds him after his book is published, Olive marries Randy and they open a macaroni and cheese restaurant (The Intrepid Cow), and Digby is forever chasing through a field of daisies.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the premature ending of one of the greatest series I have ever enjoyed on television.  While the adventures of the people of Coeur d’Coeurs will continue in a 12-issue comic series, it will not be the same as the television show.  But still, we were able to share these moments, however, brief, and for that we should all be grateful.

Tearfully signing off into my plate of pie . . . .

Season 2, Episode 13: Kerplunk (originally aired June 13, 2009)

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Pushing Daisies, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC and IMDbPro

The Hangover: Dude, Where’s My Friend?

Todd Phillips’ latest boys-club comedy, The Hangover was vulgar, vapid, ludicrous, disgusting, and incredibly offensive. Morally, I object to it on almost every level – or at least I know I should. But truth is I nearly peed myself. And you will too, because, dude, it was damn funny.

What starts out as a typical bachelor party in a fancy Las Vegas Suite quickly devolves into a lecherous, completely insane and highly unlikely night of debauchery after the four friends accidentally get roofied. Waking up the next morning in various states of ridiculousness – missing teeth, missing pants, missing shirts (nice Bradley Cooper) – the hung over fellas realize that they’re also missing their friend, the groom.

So the boys go in search of their lost buddy, Doug (Justin Bartha), in the hopes of getting him back in time for his wedding, and in their search, discover that they got into a whole lot of incredible trouble the night before. There’s not much that happens to the boys that’s slightly believable. It’s true “some guys just can’t handle Vegas”, but few get roofied, kidnapped, arrested, hospitalized, married, marred, tasered, rich, and transformed into raging kleptomaniacs all in one night. At least, I’m pretty sure. Believable or not, the boy-men’s drunken misadventures in Sin City are made highly entertaining by its stereotypical boy-men: goofy goodie-goodie Dentist Stu (Ed Helms), bordering on mentally-challenged Alan (Zach Galifianakis), and arrogant, handsome instigator Phil (Bradley Cooper).

Helms hones his comedy muscles as the nice, good guy – heavily beaten into submission by his iron fisted girlfriend (Rachael Harris). Horribly for him and luckily for us, straight-laced Stu’s the one that made the most mistakes of anyone in his forgotten evening and struggles to figure out how he’s going to fix what his uninhibited self did. Galifianakis – who’s been shaking up funnyordie.com with his “Between Two Ferns” interviews – continues to demonstrate his skills at making you feel really, really uncomfortable by saying things no one would ever say, ever. Galifianakis’ character certainly has not a shred of social grace or awareness, which results in some brilliantly awkward hilarity and a lot more nudity than I’d really like from Galifianakis. In fact there was a lot of nudity in this film that I didn’t really need to see. However, the skin was appreciated when it came to Bradley Cooper.

I’ve seen Cooper in a lot of things from Alias to He’s Just Not That Into You, but I’ve never seen him as a leading man material. Well, I take it back. Cooper’s wicked, sarcastic, and devilishly-handsome Phil was the smart ass who made the whole thing watchable. Plus, the poor guy really wanted to find his friend – it was almost endearing. Almost.

Full of gross-out humor, physical comedy, slapstick, and memorable one-liners, Hangover is a movie every guy you know will be quoting and rehashing by weekend’s end.  From Mike Tyson’s cameo to Heather Graham’s rack (certainly not her acting – or total lack thereof), to the “naked man” (Ken Jeong) attack there’s plenty of idiotic, bizarre situations to pull from. As such, it would be easy to dismiss The Hangover as another boys club film, hell-bent on being outrageous, but it crosses the line so boldly that – unlike the boys – you won’t forget this boys’ night soon.

So You Think You Can Dance: Wow! That Was Cool!

Over the past few weeks we have established that I hate this show.

This is my first season watching it, and the audition episodes thoroughly turned me off. From Nigel’s homophobic comments in the season premiere, to the cruel mockery of all those not-quite-up-to-par auditioners who really were trying their very best, to the ridiculous behavior of Mia toward one of the top 20 contestants, to what a friend of mine recently referred to as “the gendered BS” that permeates the series, I was really resenting having to spend 3 hours of my week with this crap. Except, that is, for the one week where it was 4 hours.

And then I watched this week’s performance episode. And duuuuuuude. This is a good show!

It had this! And this! And this!

But I don’t want to get too effusive with the praise though, because it also had this.

But honestly, that was a lot of fun. And I still have “Jai Ho” in my head, which is very much a good thing.

Also a good thing: The opening number of the performance episode. They make the contestants all do a short little solo to the theme song. It looked like it would just be a silly bit of time filler, but it was actually really cool. Man, I hope they do that every week.

Plus, Cat’s dress is pretty. And her microphone matches it!

Anyway, let’s talk about what, like, happened.

Adam, Mary, and Nigel are judging this week. Adam is still my favorite judge from that time he did the Lindy hop so this is good news for me. The performance episode is 2 hours long, and even though 20 people are dancing they apparently still have to fill the time with banter, which I’m doing my best to ignore. But I gather that they need to plug Step Up 3-D, which will feature some previous SYTYCD contestants, which I’m sure was done solely on the merits of the people involved without regard for any potential cross-promotional opportunities.

Meanwhile, our contestants have been divided up into teams of two. Our first dancers are Jeanine, a gorgeous ballerina who we haven’t seen much of until now, and Phillip, who is still the same dude he’s been since L.A. (i.e. not my type). They’re doing hip-hop choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. Obviously not Jeanine’s comfort zone. I don’t love the routine but it looks well-executed. The judges say it’s amazing. They compliment Jeanine for holding her own and act like Phillip is the most amazing hip-hop dancer in the world. I have no reason to believe otherwise but either way I find Phillip generally just dull.

At this point, I perceive for the first time that Mary’s shriekiness is really quite severe, but I resolve not to let it bother me. As Paula would say, I’m just here for the dancing.

Next, Asuka and Vitolio. They’re doing Broadway with Tyce. I like their costumes, but their dance, to a song from Chicago, is boring. The judges give it mixed reviews – Adam liked the dancers but not the dance, Mary says they played it safe, and Nigel says they were technically excellent but didn’t put their personalities into it enough.

Karla and Jonathan are doing the cha-cha, choreographed by Tony Meredith.  The cha-cha? That’s a real thing? Does anyone not on SYTYCD ever do the cha-cha? We find out that the little-seen-until-now Karla has been on Broadway and toured with Wicked last year. Hmm, so I believe did You Know Who. Jonathan is a salsa dancer who started dancing because of this show. It’s so unfair that all the women have to start dancing when they’re, like, 3 to be good enough to go professional but guys can wait until they get inspired by a reality show as an adolescent. Jonathan sweats a lot and grabs Karla’s butt a lot. Not earning Jonathan any points with me.

It turns out the cha-cha is Latin ballroom, so not as out-there as I had thought. And it’s also a lot of fun to watch. And not just because Jonathan’s see-through shirt is hilarious. Adam likes it, gives Jonathan some pointers. Then Mary screams. And, oh my lord, I hate Mary. Does she have a following? Are there people who consider this screaming a good thing? This is awful. Then Nigel keeps talking about how people like Karla and Jonathan “slipped under the radar.” Um, no, Nigel, the reason we don’t know who Karla and Jonathan are is that the editors and producers (presumably including him) chose not to feature these people prior to now. It isn’t some random accidental thing that happened. Nice try, though.

Next up are Randi and Evan. Randi, whose only previous distinguishing feature has been that she wears a lot of unitards, tells us she’s a country girl unused to all this glamour mumbo jumbo. Not endearing me to Randi, here, but I’ll give her another shot because it takes guts to wear those unitards on TV. Tyce is choreographing them in a jazz routine. Poor Randi, who is married, laments that she will have to act like she’s in love with Evan. Evan apologizes to Randi’s husband via the camera. That was funny. I like Evan. He’s like a guy I would’ve hung out with in high school.

Then their dance starts, and since I wasn’t into the jazz routine during Vegas week I’m going in with trepidations, but it turns out to be actually pretty amazing.  This was the first time (well, second, after Adam and the Lindy hop) that I seriously felt like this show and I might be able to work something out. It’s mostly because of Evan – the dancing is incredible, but the acting is even better; his facial expressions are majorly convincing and are maybe a sign that being “Broadway” is good on this show for more than just the whoopee cushion potential. Randi is also fantastic, but after this performance Evan is my favorite contestant by far.

Plus, I like that Evan has been so well packaged so far, with the hats and the vests and the oh-gee-wiz-I’m-just-some-Broadway-kid thing. He’s clearly in this for more than just his run on the show. His brother Ryan is in the audience, along with a third brother wearing a shirt that says “The Other Brother.” Funny! (And who knows, maybe it was Ryan who designed the packaging, seeing as how it was working really well for them both in the first few rounds. But it wasn’t Ryan who did that dance tonight.)

The judges love it. Adam tells Evan “no one saw you coming,” which is how I feel too after that. Then Mary gives them a backhanded compliment, saying she loves them now but that they were at the bottom of her list after Vegas. And then, oh my lord, Mary goes on and on and on and on and on and screaming and talking and oh my lord could I possibly hate her more than I hate Nigel? I very well might.

Paris and Tony. People other than Mary, thank heaven. Paris is not wearing a tutu. Well, she’s doing hip-hop, so I suppose she can be forgiven. Tabitha and Napoleon choreographed them. Their costumes are bizarre, and I’m not so into the dance either. They aren’t in total sync the whole time. Tony has amusing hair dye going on and some astronaut poofs on his sleeves. Tony also makes some funny faces. “Is that a gang-stah face? I don’t think so,” Nigel points out.

They get some medium-level criticism from the judges, who say the dance wasn’t memorable. Also, apparently Tony is considered cute? Adam is concerned that Tony will get by on the show for his cuteness alone. I don’t know, maybe if he had more hair.

Our next team, Caitlin and Jason, are doing Bollywood, choreographed by Nakul Dev Mahajan. You know, I get the concept of the hat draw, but this show has no Bollywood specialists among the contestants, and it seems unfair that Caitlin and Jason have to do this right out of the gate while Tony and Phillip get to do their specialty styles. They’re dancing to “Jai Ho” in gorgeous costumes, though, so I’m certainly curious to see how this goes. Plus, Caitlin and Kayla are currently battling it out for the title of the whitest, blondest girl ever, so it’s cute to see Caitlin all dressed up Bollywood-style.

Then, the dance begins. Wow! It’s very cool indeed. Caitlin does an amazing headstand thing at the beginning, which would’ve been enough by itself to get me into her even if she weren’t wearing this gorgeous outfit and dancing to this awesome song and wearing enough pink eyeshadow to make Elle Woods jealous.

The judges love it. But oh my lord, seriously, Mary has been allowed to do this screaming thing on this show for five years? She should’ve been Brian Dunkelmaned four seasons ago. Anyway, Nigel is very proud of himself for putting Bollywood on the show before Slumdog happened. Yes, because Bollywood was a well-kept secret until September 2008. Thanks, Nigel, for expanding all our horizons.

Next, Janette and Brandon, doing the foxtrot, choreographed by Louis van Amstel. I know about the foxtrot from Dirty Dancing. They show us more of the conflict between Brandon and Mia and Lil’ C, even though neither of the latter two is involved in tonight’s show, but whatever. His outfit tonight looks great (although Adam will soon rightly point out the rarity of seeing Brandon dance while wearing actual clothes) but Janette’s dress is way too much. But it poofs beautifully when he flips her over and/or she twirls. She has a beautiful smile, but Brandon looks constipated. I like Janette, not sure how I feel about Brandon. The dance is boring but pretty, until the end when he throws her all around, which is cool.

The judges all think it was great. Also, apparently Mary used to raise her eyebrows a lot but now she can’t anymore because of Botox. Everyone screams at this as though it’s a shock, but, I mean, look at her.

Next, Ashley and Kupono, doing a jazz routine choreographed by Wade Robson. The audience all gasps when they hear Wade’s name, which should’ve been my first clue about what was coming. Then Wade tells us that Ashley and Kupono are playing crash test dummies. I figured that meant they’d be acting, you know, like how  Phillip and Jeanine had to act like they were waking up in the morning. Then the actual performance began, and …

Oh my gosh you are kidding me. I have to pause this to describe it.

They’re both in full crash test dummy costumes, with their faces even covered in white. Ashley is wearing a little white skirt over her white pants because as we all know crash test dummies must always evidence their gender at all times. There is also a little robot dog on the stage with them. I think Wade Robson knows a lot more about crash test dummy culture than I do. All I know is that Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm song.  I guess the dancing is good but this is so unfair because I can’t even really form an opinion of either of them because the outfits are so damn distracting. The reason I know I like Evan is because I got a really good look at him as he was performing and I could see in his face how into the performance he was, and I can’t do anything with these two except notice the concept/choreography. Which I guess is what Wade Robson intended. Kupono and Ashley go with it, though, staying in character all the way up to the judges.

The judges say they were good. Mary claims to have even been into the choreography. Adam compliments the show’s “diversity of culture” and calls Wade “one sick puppy.” Nigel calls Wade a genius and says people will remember and talk about the routine and that that’s very important because people are talking about dance. Still not knowing anything about dance but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, moving on. Melissa and Ade. Contemporary. Mandy Moore.  No, not that Mandy Moore. Melissa, you may recall, was the “naughty ballerina” from L.A. with a tutu and a sports bra, which is a combo I always like. She’s 29, which, having just turned 30, sounds good to me, but the judges act like she’s about to keel over (although they all have at least 15 years on her). Their dance involves a lot of lifts and flowy fabric. With the way Ade keeps throwing Melissa around I almost felt like I was watching pairs figure skating. I didn’t care one way or the other about the dance but the lifts were impressive and I liked their clothes.

The judges love it. Adam cries because it was just so gosh darn special. Mary screams and clearly wants to hook up with Ade.

Finally, it’s time for Kayla and Max. They’re Doing the samba, choreographed by Louis van Amstel, who it turns out has known Max since Max was 14. Well, that seems unfair. Max is a ballroom dancer originally from Moscow, and he’s kind of amazing. He’s doing his specialty here, so we’ll see what happens next week, but for now, as someone who knows nothing about dance, I found Max to be the most technically-proficient-looking person we’ve seen so far this season. I just can’t believe it’s possible to make your feet do those kinds of things. Kayla, meanwhile, has never done ballroom at all, but they look great together nevertheless, although dress is so fringey it’s hard to pay attention to her movements, and she seems a little young to be doing such a sexy dance. I’m not loving this routine, but I like watching Max.

The judges, once again, love them. Adam flips out because he loves them so much. He claims that Kayla proves that there is a God because only God could have created Kayla. I love Adam. He seems so sincere. But then, then, oh no, I can see it coming – Mary does an extra special scream.

Seriously, people put up with this? I want to like this show, I do, but seriously, this screaming thing may well overpower the high-quality dancing.

OK, results show time.

They don’t do that cool opening thing they did the night before. Instead they do a group routine which is not nearly as much fun. It’s hip-hop, I think, and it involves the women stripping, which is I guess strategically there for the entertainment of the teenage girls and gay men who seem to make up this show’s core audience. I think the dance is supposed to be post-apocalyptic or something. I think some of the guys are supposed to be zombies? Speaking of which, I’m reading Pride & Prejudice & Zombies right now and it’s quite fun. This dance, however, is not.

For the results announcements the contestants are out of their zombie-wear and dressed in what I guess are the outfits they will do their solos in, if need be. The problem is, they look ridiculous all standing there in costumes of completely different genres. Like, Evan is wearing a bow tie and Jeanine is standing next to him in a spangled bikini, which looks even sillier when she finds out she’s safe and jumps up and wraps her legs around Phillip.

Man, it must be so frustrating for anyone who has ever watched this show before to read my reviews. All this stuff is striking me as really weird, but you’ve already been over it for five years.

I have no idea who will be in the bottom 3 pairs. Everyone was good. I can’t imagine anyone voting for Ashley and Kupono after that weirdo crash test dummies thing though so I’m going to predict they’re in the bottom.

But no, I’m wrong. Our bottom 6 are Paris and Tony, Asuka and Vitolio, and Karla and Jonathan. So, yes, the two pairs the judges said slightly negative things about, and one of the two couples we’d never met before last week. Thanks for being sheep, America.

Then, some random famous dancer types do a tango. It looks cool, but does anyone outside the dance world know who these people are? If I wanted to watch professional tango I would, like, rent a tango DVD or something. I want to see Evan and Randi do a tango. I know and like Evan and Randi. I don’t know why people would want to watch these random people. You wouldn’t think it would be that hard to fill an hour when you’ve got results and 6 solo performances and critiques of them all to fit in. But perhaps there is massive thirst among those American sheep to watch selectively famous people do tangos.

Oh, now I see. The bottom 6 are each only allowed to dance for a few seconds. Well, that’s dumb. And kind of cruel. All the performances just look so frantic and desperate. This is worse than the “Dance for Your Life” thing in Vegas since it’s so short. Vitolio especially looks really depressed, like he already thinks he’s getting kicked off. Asuka’s dance is the only one that makes much of an impression on me. She does really cool stuff with her legs that almost make up for her Fredrick’s of Hollywood top. Oh, and then there’s Jonathan, who does some very impressive gymnastics. I think in Bring It On they called that a standing back handspring back tuck, or something. If Jonathan winds up in the bottom 6 some more will he just keep doing fancy flips over and over until the judges get sick of him? I would enjoy watching that.

Then, the judges go off and deliberate, supposedly, and we watch Sean Kingston perform. I gather that he’s famous in a more mainstream way than those tangoing people, so his appearance on the show doesn’t bother me. Although I don’t know this song or like it, and the scantily clad women dancing around this very unattractive man in his ridiculous jacket who does not appear to have any singing talent just make me even sadder about the gendered BS.

I do like that they’ve got things moving along at a clip though. Not nearly as much filler as the performance show. Good job, Cat and producers. (And Cat is hardcore, by the way, constantly ordering people to get off her stage. That’s right, Cat, take no prisoners!)

Out of the bottom 6, the judges unanimously rule to get rid of Paris (so much for those tutus) and Tony. Wow, I did not see Tony leaving. It seemed like they loved him. And so far the biggest impression Jonathan has made was doing those flips just now.

Anyway, overall, this week was about a 500 percent improvement over the previous weeks for me. It would’ve been 1000 percent but Mary’s screaming knocked it down by half. But in sum, between the lessened prominence of the judges, the well-choreographed, well-rehearsed, well-performed dance numbers, the emergence of truly engaging contestant personalities (well, okay, mostly just Evan so far, but I saw lots of potential – I’m looking at you, Randi and Asuka and Caitlin), and the amazing Bollywood number – I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m looking forward to next week.

Season 5, Episodes 6&7: Top 20 (originally aired June 10&11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 20 Perform

So here we go, So You Think You Can Dance. It felt like it would never come, but the first dances are here, and all I want to do is get DOOOOOOWN! Cat Deeley looks fantastic, and all I can say is that I love her. Just like American Idol would be nothing without Seacrest, SYTYCD needs its Cat. Let’s get started!

Jeanine and Phillip

Jeanine never knew that her body could do what it now does. Phillip, on the other hand, must have had no idea as well but he must have seen the making of something special as he practiced in his window’s reflection to the sounds of the street. Tabitha and Napoleon choreograph a beautiful lyrical hip hop routine for the two, but Jeanine isn’t really a hip hopper. Or is she? I know Phillip should kill it, but for the first time I’m reminded of how beautiful and wonderful Jeanine is. She reminds me a bit of last year’s little Chelsie.

Adam believes it was unfreaking real, especially with no hip hop experience Jeanine. She held her own against Philip who he says has grown so much. And no one will ever dance like him. He’s also so generous and present for his partners which you wouldn’t expect from him. We get the first scream of the night from Mary who thought Jeanine was in sync and fluid. And she was worried about the chemistry with Phillip and his partner but he surprised her. Nigel reiterated what the judges said, but he acknowledged that Phillip already has a following but Jeanine showed people why they should vote for her.

Final Say: They’re a sure bet.

Asuka and Vitolio

Surprise, surprise. Asuka was a ballet dancer until she went to college, where she fell in love with ballroom. Vitolio grew up believing, due to familial circumstance, that he couldn’t ever do anything good. Will he do well with Tyce DiOrio‘s Broadway routine? It’s like a silent picture dance, and they both look adorable in their old school costumes and makeup. The first routine is a tough one to follow in terms of excitement and emotion, so this one felt a little lackluster to me. It was danced beautifully, but the storytelling was missing.

Adam thought the performance was a little artificial, but that it’s clear they’re great dancers. Mary felt that they didn’t bring the dance to life, instead playing it safe. And Nigel believes their dancing was strong, and their lines were beautiful, but that the audience is expecting to see more of their personalities and that they didn’t give it wholeheartedly.

Final Say: They’re in the bottom, no contest.

Karla and Jonathan

Karla likes a challenge, and after performing in two traveling Broadway shows, she wanted something to fill a void she was feeling. Jonathan started dancing because of Season One, and thankfully this show is in existence to inspire future dancers in this way. Dancing to a Cha-Cha by Tony Meredith, I’m always scared for ballroom on the first night, but these two are so cute, save for Jonathan’s endless sweat. I’ve never seen a Lady Gaga salsa, but I was pleasantly surprised. Jonathan is lucky this is in his area but I think he should have brought it more, and I think Kayla turns out to be captivating on screen.

Adam thought it was really good. They “beeped” him up. He could have seen more roll from Jon, but he saw a man dance instead of a boy. Mary likes her Cha-Cha rough! AHHH. And Jon gets the scream he was looking for. Nigel feels that they are a couple that has slipped under the radar but put themselves on the map. He liked the explosion of their chemistry too.

Final Say: They’ve just cha-chaed their way into the next round.

Randi and Evan

Randi is a married, country girl so partnering is going to be a little hard for her, or so she says! Evan has to say goodbye to his brother but at least he and the other brother are there to support him. Tyce does another go round with Jazz. Usually this is the style that wows the viewer, but I think this one will be my favorite of the night. It was beautifully danced and emotional, and they’re the little couple that could!

Adam thought they danced like they were eight feet tall. Randi had all the sensuality needed, and there isn’t a style that Evan can’t conquer. He also thinks it’s one of Tyce’s best pieces ever, and I concur. Mary says her eyes are wide open because they were definitely on the edge with the judges. And Nigel believes they were fabulous, and they have become the couple that people will talk about now.

Final Say: In it to win it!

Paris and Tony

Paris survived a car accident, leaving one of her legs numb from the knee down. Wow. And Tony could have played college lacrosse but wanted to dance even if it irked his father. It’s part two for hip hop with Tabitha and Napoleon. Tony has a hard time putting on a stank face, much harder than Paris. I’m always sad when hip hop doesn’t excite me. Both are competent but nothing exciting. I just imagine other dancers KILLING it, and it’s Tony’s style!

Adam liked the dancing but hated the costumes which is totally out of their control anyway. They also weren’t attacking the steps, mushing them instead. Mary doesn’t think it’ll be memorable and felt that Tony wasn’t in it the whole time. And both Mary and Nigel didn’t believe in Tony’s stank face.

Final Say: Tony better get his bottom three dance ready, because I see a solo in his future.

Caitlin and Jason

Strong Caitlin was a gymnast until she fell for dance. Jason (one of my faves!) was always an athlete who never would have thought he’d be a dancer. Now that India is SOOO HOT and last year’s Bollywood dance was so well received, Nakul Dev Mahajan is back, and I couldn’t be happier. Can he top last year’s Katie and Joshua dance? I’m not sure, but Nakul doesn’t give them anything easy, and it definitely stands up to it. It’s fun and powerful. Sometimes they weren’t in sync, but they were so beautiful I forgot about it.

Adam felt the connection between the two. Mary likes Caitlin’s strength and Jason’s charisma. Bollywood has definitely come to Hollywood. And Nigel things that there was something special to their coupling and their dancing.

Final Say: No worries for these two.

Janette and Brandon

Janette learned to dance at home with her Cuban family, and she was scared to try out, thinking a lot of people would be doing her style. (Doesn’t she know SYTYCD is contemporary-ville?) Mia and Lil’ C’s criticism hit Brandon hard, and they’ve added fuel to his fire. Doing a Louis van Amstel Foxtrot doesn’t really give Brandon the chance to show his stuff, but he does get the chance to show that he’s a great partner who can do some crazy lifts. And Janette is used to partnering so she just glides and flows gracefully.

Adam thought it worked, and never saw the character in Brandon until tonight. Mary, with some humor, says her eyebrows won’t move because of Botox, but that she loved it and adds a scream to boot. She saw Ginger Rogers in Janette and thought her lines were lovely. She also thinks Brandon is a powerhouse. Nigel’s a fan of Janette’s carriage and was impressed by Brandon but wants him to work on his feet.

Final say: Not the best but also not in the bottom.

Kupono and Ashley

After auditioning four times, Ashley has finally made it. And Kupono teaches dance but to help pay the bills he does odd (and awful sounding) jobs like scraping mildew off a wall. Choreographed by Wade Robeson, they do a funky jazz routine about crash dummies. Their costumes and makeup are off the wall, white and the style is a little harder to get into because the music pretty much totally lacks beat or bass.

Adam says he had to work to watch the dancing, but their technique is fantastic. Mary was totally in for the ride and got it 100%. She thought Kupono was marvelous, and she couldn’t keep her eyes off of Ashley. And Nigel believes that Wade and his wife are true geniuses who make people talk about dance whether they like it or not. Ashley looks beautiful, and Kupono was wonderful as a fluid and nervous character, bringing him into their world.

Final Say: They may be in the bottom of the pack just because it was so OUT THERE.

Melissa and Ade

Melissa is the “most seasoned” dancer at 29 and also the naughty ballerina. Contemporary dancer Ade loves to DJ, mixing and sound engineering so he’ll keep it in the musical family if he can’t make it at his dance passion. With contemporary and Mandy Moore, the two have to execute a lot of difficult lifts for their number one dance, and they do so beautifully, but emotionally I think something is missing.

Adam almost cries. He thinks it’s so special. He compliments Melissa saying that things do get better with age, and Ade was powerful. They get the Mary scream. She feels that she just went through the feelings of first love they were emoting. Ade is a gentle giant. And Adam adds that it’s a testament to the power of ballet training. Nigel commends the top 20, and I have to agree. He’s happy there is a ballerina on the program, and Ade finally gave America a taste of what an amazing dancer he is.

Final Say: Contemporary love dances usually do as well as contemporary “I’m angry in love” dance, so these two should have no problem.

Kayla and Max

Kayla and her single mom lived with her grandparents in order to help put her through dance classes. Max is originally from Moscow. One of his brothers died in a car accident five days ago. Louis van Amstel choreographs a Samba for the two, and apparently he’s known Max since he was 14. From the outset, there’s fire or maybe it’s just Kayla’s bright outfit. I found my eyes way more drawn to Max who’s more comfortable with this style than Kayla. She just wasn’t as sexy and confident as she needed to be in my eyes.

Adam screams how good it was. And I’m starting to think maybe I’m asking too much of these dancer on the first go out. He says Max is lucky he got ballroom and such an amazing partner who could have never looked that good without him. Mary needs an amen, and she hears a train a-coming. Finally, here’s a dance that gets Mary out of her seat and screaming. Nigel thought it was truly sensational. He gives props to Kayla for being one of the judges’ favorites. And to Max, he says that he could have easily been lost but he was great. He just wants to see more sharpness.

Final Say: They should sleep like babies.

AND THE RESULTS ARE IN…

So how did my final says fare you ask? Don’t act like you’re not dying to know.

Cat looks fabulous of course. But what’s new?! It’s crazy this lady has a size 10 foot and manages to rock those high heels every week.

We kick off with a group performance to the Black Eyed Peas‘ “Boom Boom Pow.” It’s a pretty freaking hot dance. How these kids manage to learn their genre dance, a group dance and prepare a 30 sec solo will always baffle me. (And Phillip was ridiculous!!)

So the first group is made up of Kayla and Max (who on the second go round actually did much better than I first thought), Randi and Evan, and Phillip and Jeanine, who all gave fantastic performances last night. None of them can be in the bottom, and it’s clearly a little trick to make us think it could be possible.

The next group has two of my least favorites in Ashley and Kupono and Paris and Tony, and they’re joined by Melissa and Ade. Again, at second glance, I realize that I didn’t really like Ashley and Kupono’s routine, but their dancing WAS really superb. I can’t say the same for Paris and Tony. So I’m not surprised at all when they’re in the bottom and that most of America did, in fact, enjoy the quirky, jazz routine.

So who are the final two to join them? It’s down to Asuka and Vitolio, who are great dancers but didn’t bring the personality to a less upbeat Broadway-style dance, Brandon and Jeanette, who were beautiful and graceful, and Jonathan and Karla, who were saucy. I’ve already called Asuka and Vitolio but since the jazz routine made it through it’s a hard choice. I bet that the less known dancers, ie not Brandon, will be in the bottom, and I am right.

That’s how great this season’s contestants are. There were so few missteps that even dances that got GREAT reviews go through, and all the dancers, minus Tony, who are in the bottom are pretty darn fantastic.

But before we get to see the solos we’re told that each week, SYTYCD will be spotlighting a different style dance from around the world. LOVE IT! This week it’s an oh-so-sexy tango. Oh me gusta! They are fantastic and clearly extremely experienced.

But back to OUR dancers. It’s time to remind us why they shouldn’t go, and with only 30 seconds to prove it, they better dance HARD.

Paris needs to work a little more on her technique, the follow through of her movements and her emotions. She’s clearly flexible but I need more.

Tony is doing some awful pop-n-locking. Awful. He danced so much better in the group dance. I just don’t get it. It seems like he wanted to go home. I could have done what he did. Well, besides the splits.

I always feel bad for ballroom dancers who have to do it alone. Asuka is clearly hot, and she picks a jive this time to pick things up, I’m sure. I can never tell though when they’re dancing alone if it’s ever good enough. I mean, they get to try out with partners!

Vitolio moves like butter. It seems a little rushed for the emotion the songs brings up, but he has SKILLS. No question he’s not going anywhere yet.

Karla lit up the stage last night, and tonight she looks great but I wanted to see so much more from her. Her dancing is fantastic, but she just doesn’t capture me like others do.

Jonathan is another ballroom dancer who’s going to have a hard time with solos. He relies on his gymnastic tricks because men are even more boring than girls when they have to ballroom alone.

Overall though, it’s hard to say (besides my two picks) who’s going to go. Pardon the interruption though, because while the judges confer, Sean Kingston sings “911″ for us. I really don’t like this song. It annoys me.

Thank god that’s over, and the judges are back. They came to a unanimous decision with the girls. They thought Karla’s solo was strong but Nigel warns her to be careful of just doing steps, but she’s through! I’m hoping that Asuka is going through, and my wish is granted. Nigel basically says that there’s a lot of contemporary dancers and they like having a variety which is why they’re keeping  her, oh and her performance skills. Paris, out of all the contemporary dancers they have just wasn’t good enough. ::Tear::

The boys should be easier. Again it’s unanimous, but they didn’t think any of them danced well. Vitolio is through even though they’re still missing his personality. Tony has the personality but tonight and last night were so awful, especially seeing as they were both in his field, and his partner is already gone, so they shouldn’t have to think too hard. But ouch! They said exactly what I was thinking to him in front of America. “You did locking and not very well. A lot of moving around but not great locking!” – Nigel. Double Ouch! So they’re keeping Jonathan, who did a little better last night and has some cool flipping skills.

I’m okay with these choices. In fact, I completely agree. The judges got it right, and I don’t even want to know if America would have. That’s why this show is so much better than American Idol when it comes to judging the contestants and truly picking the best winner. Wow, and we’re down to 18. All I can think is welcome back my dear show friend. You’re even better than I remember.

Season 5, Episodes 6&7: Top 20 (originally aired June 10&11, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Wow! That Was Cool! by Robin Reed.

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Top Chef Masters: Hubert Is Not Your Bitch, Bitch

We begin with a lengthy introduction from Kelly Choi, hostess.  For you Top Chef fans, we’ve gone crazy with the knife sound effects and Gail Simmons will be making appearances.  Gail?!?  Gail?!?

Anyway, we meet our four chef masters (or is it master chefs?) and the charities they are playing for on the show: Michael Schlow of Radius (Cam Neely Foundation), Hubert Keller of Fleur de Lys (Make-A-Wish Foundation), Christopher Lee of Aureole (and Orthanc) (Autism Speaks), and Tim Love of The Lonesome Dove Western Bistro and Love Shack (March of Dimes).  The winner of this week moves on to the final.  But first…

Quickfire!  Kelly explains they are bringing back one Quickfire from a past episode of Top Chef.  This week it is to make a dessert.  Michael is concerned.  I’m even more concerned when we learn the judging panel is composed entirely of Girl Scouts.   While the Girl Scouts cover their eyes, Tim takes a shot of tequila and talks about how he’s never had formal or famous training.  But it looks like Michael should have the tequila because he’s sweating bullets over his dish that doesn’t seem to be coming together.

So what did everyone make?  Kelly talks creepy-like with the girls as they eat dessert.  First is Michael, who makes a cookie and candy thing.  One thinks it tastes like a Tagalong and the others don’t like it.  Tim serves a strawberry milkshake, a “chicken-fried” strawberry, and chocolate-covered strawberry.  The ginger girl is the most critical of the lot.  Hubert serves up a masterpiece with all the food shaped like animals because he’s Hubert and that’s how he rolls.  One of the girls says it looks like a Trefoil and I’m convinced this is an ad-buy from The Girls Scouts to promote their cookie sales.  Finally, Christopher’s gourmet dish is too, well, gourmet.  The winner is Hubert, who got a full five stars from the girls.  Then Christopher and Tim with 3.5 stars, and Michael with 2.5 stars.  These scores will be added to their final scores.

Elimination Challenge.  Create a three course meal for Pomona College students using only a microwave, toaster oven, and a hot plate.  This is hilarious!  Anyway, they shop at Whole Foods (natch), and back at the kitchen, Tim doesn’t know the difference between a freezer and a refrigerator and he accidentally freezes half of his groceries, including (wait for it, Top Chef fans) his scallops.

Off to Pomona.  They are each given an occupied dorm room to serve as their kitchens.  While they set up, we see great photos of DJ Hubert.  (Where’s that spin-off, Bravo?)  As they cook, their respective students walk in and out and look confused, probably because Hubert took his bucket of pasta, drained, cooled, and reheated it in the common shower.  The guy is MacGyver.

Service.  In addition to the students, this week’s critics are Jay Rayner, Gael Greene (assisted by a stupid-looking hat), and James Oseland.  First course: scallop carpaccio (Tim), salmon crudo (Michael), snapper ceviche (Christopher), Scottish salmon mi cuit (Hubert).  Second course: cabbage soup (Michael), risotto (Christopher), hearty carrot and petit pea soup (Hubert), squash and corn pozole (Tim).  Third course: skirt steak and braised kale (Tim), pork a la apicius (Michael), creamy mac and cheese with prawns (Hubert), and pork chop (Christopher).  Overall, the critics and students are impressed at what these chefs achieved with their limited resources.

Critics Table (sans apostrophe).  We begin with TMI about Hubert showering with his pasta.  Gael was disappointed with Michael’s overcooked pork but she’s amazed they could cook anything on such a small hot plate.  Tim talks about his frozen food issue and how he made that lemon into frozen lemonade (figuratively).  And Christopher surprised everyone with the quality of his risotto.  The judges deliberate by reminded us (again) of how difficult this challenge was.  As with the regular Top Chef, it’s mostly useless filler.

Results.  Michael with 13.5 stars, Tim with 14.5 stars, Christopher with 19 stars, and Hubert with 20.5 stars.  Hubert wins!  I’m sure we’re all not surprised by this result.  And Hubert will return for the final in a few weeks and Make-A-Wish is $10,000 richer.  Now if I were a terminal child, I’d wish that Top Chef were as good as this episode.  No drama, no bitchin’ about the challenges, and just pure cooking the way God intended.

Later this season: Neil Patrick Harris, a laser at your crotch, and a flaming coconut.  I’m not sure where to start with any of that but it should be fun!

Season 1, Episode 1: Masters Get Schooled (originally aired June 10, 2009)

For another opinion on this episode, check out Just Like Mario Party by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Top Chef Masters: Just Like Mario Party

So when I first heard about Top Chef Masters, I thought – how are they going to sustain a show for so many episodes with celebrity chefs who aren’t going to bicker and badmouth and commit career suicide? For that matter, how many celebrity chefs are there really? Well, despite not being smart enough to hang onto Project Runway, Bravo actually greenlit a good idea. It may sound dubious, but the creative team pulls off an entertaining little show here.

And so we have…Top Chef Masters! Here’s a quick intro to how it works: 24 chefs compete for the title and $100,000 for their charity; for the first six weeks, the chefs will compete in heats to narrow down six chefs who will move on to the finals. Over the course of each episode, the competing chefs will be earning stars (like points), based on the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenges. Just like in Mario Party, whoever walks away with the most stars, wins! And if Top Chef Masters goes anything like a game of Mario Party at the Campos house, expect lots of threats, fighting, competitiveness, bad language and hurt feelings. This show will be awesome! The winner also advances to the next round, while earning $10,000 on the spot for their charity.

In our inaugural episode, entitled “Masters Get Schooled” (har har), the four celebrity chefs are: Hubert Keller (previous Top Chef judge), Christopher Lee (not that Christopher Lee), Tim Love, and Michael Schlow.

Kelly Choi arrives as the Host to deliver the rules and introduce the Quickfire. A moment. WTH? Why don’t we have Padma, Colicchio, and our regular judges? I guess it makes sense because Tom is also a chef, and no judging by your peers or something, but who wouldn’t pay money to watch Anthony Bourdain judge his fellow chefs? Oh, the drama that would come out of that. As for Kelly Choi, I’m not a fan. Maybe it’s that half of her lines are poorly voiced over throughout the episode and then she shouts everything else. Other than that, she seems nice enough, but I actually miss Padma. I never thought I’d say that.

Quickfire: Each Quickfire will be based on a favorite Top Chef challenge. This week: Dessert! The chefs have one hour to make the most creative and delicious desserts for four Girl Scouts, who will judge and rate the dishes.

Tim Love never went to school and never trained under a well-known chef, so he’s an underdog and an unknown threat. Take note, chefs! He makes a trio of strawberry desserts: I don’t like strawberries, so in my book, you just lost, Tim. Christopher makes French toast with caramelized bananas. Oh, Christopher – what kid likes breakfast for dessert? They like breakfast for dinner! Dessert is something else entirely. Michael gives a poor impression, because he can’t bake a cake and his ice cream won’t solidify. Well, he definitely belongs on Top Chef. Ask me about ostrich eggs. Hubert makes a trio of fancy desserts, but makes one in the shape of a swan, one in the shape of a cute mouse, and the other in a dish. And since we’re catering to little girls, guess who wins?

Hubert! The girls as judges rate each dish on a star rating: Hubert walks away with a full five stars, Christopher and Tim tie for second with three and a half, and Michael feels lucky to have landed two and a half. Of note, the Girl Scouts rip the dishes to shreds when they don’t like something, but the chefs take it with good humor.

Elimination Challenge: Create a three course meal for the judges and college students using only a hot plate, microwave, and toaster oven. Now, I have to say, I like that the celebrity chefs aren’t getting easy, Celebrity Jeopardy-type challenges. This is a great challenge. After shopping for themselves, which none of them are used to, the chefs drop their food off at the kitchen. The next morning, Tim discovers he left his food in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. Which is even funnier than Michael’s baking issues. You’d think I’d have more sympathy for the contestants next season when they do the same thing, but I won’t. I’ll just laugh harder.

Off to the on-site kitchens … the chefs will be cooking in dorm rooms! Brilliant again. They all struggle at first with setup, but eventually work it out. Only Tim uses his microwave because of his frozen food. He struggles with a pozole, despite not having the correct ingredients and less than fresh ingredients. Hubert washes his pasta in the restroom, and I sure hope that’s not a communal bathroom. Even if it’s been cleaned recently – bacteria, dude. I’m just glad I’m not eating his mac and cheese, I don’t care how good it looks.

This week’s judges: Jay Rayner, London Observer food critic; Gael Greene, NY food critic; James Oseland, editor-in-chief of Saveur Magazine. And of course, the loud-speaking Kelly.

The comments about the food are pretty funny and generally not helpful. I’m sure the judges are contractually obligated to say how much they like everything, because no one gets ripped apart the way the real contestants do – most likely because the Master chefs don’t make the same mistakes as our regular contestants. Well, unless they screw up the ice cream or put their food in the freezer. In general however, the judges nitpick certain elements of some of the dishes while liking everything; Hubert’s they clearly like the most, with Christopher Lee a close second. Tim’s downfall was too much salt on his main dish, and Michael had trouble cooking his pork on the hot plate.

Critics’ Table. Oh, that’s the difference. This show is about being “critiqued” and not “judged.” Again, the critics are much nicer than one would expect of critics, but maybe that’s editing. They hand out compliments to everyone, with problems of seasoning pointed out as necessary. After hearing about the trials and tribulations of dorm room cooking from the chefs, the judges rehash the meals over Deliberation – more compliments, but we finally hear some of the negatives about the dishes. All of the negatives are subtle, and what one judge didn’t like, another one did, so Masters becomes the master of mixed messages. And at this point, slightly boring.

Bring the chefs back out, and Michael scores the lowest with three and a half stars out of five from the students (added to his two and a half from the Girl Scouts) and then only seven and a half from the judges, totaling thirteen and a half. Tim does better at fourteen and a half, and Christopher even better with nineteen stars. However, Hubert once again takes the win with twenty and a half stars, winning the heat and $10,000 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The other chefs also receive a donation to their charities, but since the amount isn’t specified, it’s possible the donation equals their star totals, so $13.50 for Michael. Sorry, charity!

It’s actually kind of charming to see how much each of the chefs wanted to win and advance, and how much they enjoyed it. I wonder if all of the Masters chefs will have the same enthusiastic attitude that these four had, or if someone’s going to go crazy because they have to cook in dorm room-like settings. I hope so!

Okay, so maybe not as exciting as a game of Mario Party at the Campos house (yes, you’re invited), but still better than The Fashion Show.

This season: Neil Patrick Harris, crazy hats from Gael (and Gail!), and did I see Fabio?

Season 1, Episode 1: Masters Get Schooled (originally aired June 10, 2009)

For another opinion on this episode, check out Hubert Is Not Your Bitch, Bitch by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

« Previous Page — Next Page »