Dancing with the Stars: Cowboy Gets Bucked!

This week on Dancing with the Stars was the semi-final which means the remaining four stars are bringing out the big guns. And they definitely brought it with some of the best routines of the season so far. But first we had to suffer through a whole lot of clips from earlier in the season and the stars recalled their favorite Dancing moments. Boring! On to the dance…

First up were Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani with a foxtrot. It was good, but didn’t make me want to jump up and cheer. The judges seemed to be in agreement. Bruno said it was good, but not as exhilarating as it should be, and Carrie Ann was similarly underwhelmed. Len, however, loved her much improved feet. Total: 28

For her second dance, Melissa and Tony tackled a cha cha, which should have been great, but again was just so-so. I don’t think Tony’s really a whiz at the choreography, because technically difficult as Melissa’s dancers are, they’re not coming across as crowd-pleasing. On the upside, Melissa did manage to keep her hat on. Thank Goodness! The judges felt the same as her first dance. As Len said, he liked it, but not as much as he wanted to. Total: 27

The next couple to strut their stuff for a ballroom number was Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke with a waltz. It was creamy, smooth, frothy goodness and reminded me of Sleeping Beauty and her prince dancing across the clouds – like floating through a dream. The judges likewise swooned and Len gave Gilles a sitting standing ovation – whatever that is. Total: 30

Then it was time for Gilles to shake it with a samba – turn on those cold showers now, ladies. Gilles shook it all right. The dance was show-stopping fun with lots of bum wiggling and shoulder shimmying. It was exactly what a semi-final number should be. Carrie Ann wooed, Bruno made some sort of Lil’ Kim reference I won’t even repeat, and Len said he wished he had an “11″ paddle. And Gilles acted humble and touched by the judges’ words. Aww. Total: 30

Unlucky to have to follow Gilles in his perfect evening was little gymnast Shawn Johnson who cut down the dance floor with Mark Ballas for an Argentine Tango. It was technically perfect – as Shawn’s dances always are – with its rhythmic kicks and lovely dips, but something was lacking for me. The judges, however, disagreed with me and showered the 17-year-old with praise and a perfect score. Total: 30

Shawn and Mark followed up their perfect tango with a fun and bubbly jive that I loved but the judges hated – well, not hated. Len thought there was too much messing about, Bruno liked messing about (oh we know you do), and Carrie Ann thought it lost steam. Total: 26

Closing out the rounds was rodeo champ Ty Murray and Chelsie Hightower. They began with Viennese waltz that left the judges arguing at their table. Len thought it was fabulous – he loves Ty’s frame, but Carrie Ann and Bruno were much more critical and then there was the yelling. Yikes. Tom Bergeron ushered his contestants back stage. Total: 25

Then it was time for Ty’s Latin number – say uh-oh – and it was OK, but certainly not great. Ty’s just not of the same caliber as the other remaining dancers and it really showed tonight in their samba. But Carrie Ann was kind and called Ty the most valuable player and Bruno opted to congratulate Chelsie instead for being able to teach him to do anything at all. Total: 23

On to Tuesday night’s results show – though I think we all know who’s getting the boot. First there was a performance by Grammy winner Raphael Saadiq, who I’d never heard of before, but who sang an upbeat and entertaining soul number. In an odd move, the judges voted to see an encore of Shawn’s Tango rather than one of Gilles’ perfect routines, and then we were treated to the pro competition. Remaining were my favorites from the start, Mayo Alanen who’d be dancing with Kym Johnson this week, and Anna Demidova who’d have to tame Maksim Chmerkovksy. Mayo and Kym danced the Tango first and while it had a lot working for it, the Tango should be hotter – especially with Australian seductress Kym on your arm. But the judges wanted more personality. Anna and Maks then performed a quickstep which was charming and fun and not at all boring – quite a feat for the usually laborious quickstep. My money’s on the Russian, but the two pro contestants still had one more dance to do. Mayo and Kym returned with a cha cha cha that lacked pizzazz and Mayo seemed like he was reading rehearsed answers when he spoke with Samantha backstage. Anna and Maks then returned with a fun and flirty samba where Anna showed her stuff. The judges loved her and Len said if Anna’s not back next season he’ll show his bum in the supermarket. So, you know, for the sake of humanity, let’s hope she wins.

Finally it was time for those other results and to find out which star was packing their dancing shoes and hitting the road. And the loser was, Ty Murray. So long, Cowboy!

Season 8, Round 9: Episodes 18 and 19 (originally aired May 11 and 12, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Dancing with the Stars: And the Gold Medal Goes to …

First off I just want to say, I was right. Good? Okay, so on to the finale.

After some personal tutelage from the judges and a few inappropriate shots of Bruno in a Speedo, – Why producers? Why? – the contestants kicked off the finale with a powerful paso doble in which each remaining couple got to show off their skills.

After some skirt twirling, Shawn Johnson and Mark Ballas took off with a precise and strong paso. She was followed in the showdown by Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani whose paso contained a lot of kicks – taking full advantage of Melissa’s long limbs. Then Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke took over the floor, stomping out their competition with sexy male dominance. They all returned for the final few steps, polished off with perfect synchronization. Boy these “stars” can dance.

The judges rule on the paso showdown. They don’t think Shawn committed enough emotionally and give her a 28. Melissa was great – that was about all we got. They gave her a 29. And all three judges agreed that Gilles is perfection, I mean danced perfectly, eh, you know what I mean. They gave him a perfect 30. (Me too!)

Then it was time for the highly-anticipated freestyle dance. At least Tom told us it was highly anticipated – usually it results in disappointment. First up was Shawn and Mark. Would Shawn be able to rebound from her slightly less than perfect score to go for the gold? She sure could!

In one of the best freestyles I’ve seen in a few seasons, Shawn and Mark took to the floor in silver masks and black tracksuits for a bit of mime mimicking. Then they stripped off the tracksuits for some fun green jumpsuits and leapt to the stage for a romping, flipping, high-energy and highly-synchronized routine that was fun, fun, fun. Bruno was up on his feet applauding the little tumbler (which meant he was heading toward his “10″ paddle). Carrie Ann said it was exactly what they want from a freestyle, and Len just loved it. Plus, I think it may officially be impossible to out-cute Shawn Johnson. The judges rewarded her peppy greatness with a perfect 30. And this race just got interesting.

Next up was Melissa and Tony who hit the floor in revealing tops and pulled off lots and lots of tricks. But Carrie Ann and Bruno were critical in their assessment saying there was not enough substance, just lots of tricks, and Len bemoaned that Melissa didn’t show off her more elegant side. That said they still all gave it really high marks for a 27.

Finally it was up to Gilles to close the show. He and Cheryl danced to the song from Flashdance, and I think that Cheryl was confused because she  choreographed the dance for herself. She was clearly the star of the number and Gilles did his best to support her. It was pretty boring for a freestyle. But Len liked it – because he’s boring – and the other two were less than enthused. They rewarded him with a 28 anyway, for being everyone’s favorite.

So then it was on to Tuesday’s big results show. As is tradition all the other kicked off dancers showed up and proved that the best three really had made it to the final. Lady Gaga performed twice with stunning pyrotechnics and back up dancers and ’80s/Prince inspired outfits that confused me. Was she supposed to be a butterfly? Kiss? Alien? Other show highlights were the reveal of new pro winner Anna Demidova. I was glad the best woman won – but whose spot will she be taking?

Last season’s contestant Jeffrey Ross showed up again to roast this season’s stars – which he had to Google before the show. The best part was when he said that Bergeron (as in the host Tom) was an old French word meaning Seacrest and when he said that Gilles may not have had the biggest role in Sex and the City but he had the biggest part. Can they say that on a family program?

Finally the contestants talked a little overdramatized smack and got to dance their favorite routine again for the judges’ votes. Shawn and Mark danced their superb cha cha cha. Melissa and Tony shook it in their favored samba. And sexy Gilles slid and seduced Cheryl across the ballroom with their pulse-stopping Argentine tango. All three couples were rewarded with perfect 30s to finish off their Dancing with the Stars careers. But who would waltz off with the trophy? Would it be peppy, cute-as-a-button Shawn with her show-stopping freestyle? Pity vote Melissa (you were thinking it too)? Or consistent Gilles stealing it away with the hot and bothered female vote?

Well, up to season 8, an Olympic gold medalist had never made it to the final without winning, and they still haven’t. For an upset win, it was little Shawn who took home the shiniest trophy on television. And that’s it for season 8, folks! What semi-obscure celeb will they pull out of the C-list in a desperate attempt for relevance next season? I’m pulling for Blossom and/or Joey Lawrence or the cast of Boy Meets World. Who’s with me?

Season 8, Round 10: Episodes 20 and 21 (originally aired May 18 and 19, 2009)

For more on Dancing with the Stars, click here.

Competition Mondays at 8/7C, ABC

Elimination Tuesdays at 9/8C, ABC

Photographs courtesy of ABC

The Fashion Show: The Shoe Must Go On

Here we are again, my friends.  I have decided to start this recap with a cocktail.  If I have to sit through this dreck, I deserve a reward.

The designers walk into the work room and come face-to-face with Isaac and Laura Brown.  Isaac describes her as “the divine Laura Brown,” but I would use a different adjective . . . execrable, perhaps.  Anyway, the Harper’s Bazaar mini challenge tonight is about shoes, which is kind of cool, for a change.  The mini challenge is to design a pair of shoes for olsen Haus vegan shoes.  As someone who proudly eats meat as often as possible, I simply cannot fathom the appeal of wearing vegan shoes.  I also think the “green” idea has become, well, stupid.  Everything is green.  I don’t understand how shoes can be vegan, but, with olsen Haus, they are.  Because they are “cruelty free.”  I, too, am going to start living my life free of cruelty; my first step will be to stop watching this show.

Some of the designers are getting completely crazy with their shoes.  Reco accuses Andrew of stealing the idea of using fringe on shoes.   Merlin has tied all sorts of mess on his shoes.  Angel has giant flower petals on the sides of hers.  James-Paul has a dumb ruffle.  Anyway, the winner of the challenge is Johnny/Roseanne/Big Bertha (I just made that new nickname up), and his shoes are going to be sold by olsen Haus.  Go forth, be green, and buy that ugly ass wedge shoe at bravotv.com.

For the elimination challenge, the groups have to meet at a secret location.  When the contestants show up, they are all hyped because it is Bergdorf Goodman.    Reco screams like a lunatic.  They meet in (surprise!) the shoe department where Kelly and Isaac are waiting.  The challenge is to find a pair of exceptional shoes, and design an entire outfit around those shoes.  If you do not pick a pair within the five minutes, Isaac will assign yo ass a pair.  The designers frantically search for the right pair of shoes.  Angel is the only person who can’t pick a pair, so she is assigned these red, white, and blue nautical Stella McCartney shoes.  Angel is not pleased.

The big news, though, is that the designers are not working in teams this week or ever again.  That’s right!  It’s every ho for herself.  Again, Reco screams like a lunatic.

The designers go to the fabric store and buy some stuff.  Angel is wearing a Carrie Bradshaw nameplate necklace, but hers says “Achoo.”  That is sort of witty.

Back in the workroom, haters (i.e., Daniella and Anna) are dissing Andrew, saying that he is a copycat.  The others are all doing stuff, too, but I am losing interest rapidly . . . until Hater #2 (Anna) says that Andrew’s use of pleats on his top is a rip-off of her pleated skirt in episode two.  Yeah, because NO ONE EVER HEARD OF PLEATS UNTIL ANNA DID THEM!  Give me a break.

Angel is doing a shirt dress that is like two white, dress shirts sewn together at the bottom.   To give you a good idea, it would be the perfect outfit for a pair of legless Siamese twins joined at the waist.  Great idea!

Isaac and Kelly come in to do their walk through.  They ask really ambiguous questions where the designers cannot tell whether Isaac and Kelly like the design or not.  I will do word associations for the five minutes of airtime while this happens:  Daniella-purple, Reco-exoskeleton, Andrew-boring, Lidia-gross, Merlin-crossdresser.  Then, Isaac and Kelly leave and gossip in the hall.

After the commercial break, there is a great deal of frantic running around, followed by Reco telling everyone that they are not as good as him.  Then Reco lies down and takes a nap.

Lidia is making something utterly nuts.  It looks like a cream tube with black netting attached to the front.   Isaac gives Reco his wake-up call, then everyone frantically runs down to get ready for the fashion show.

Ok, it is time for the show.  Fern is back, and the President of Manolo Blahnik is also there to judge.  It really amazes me that such a low rent show gets such high end talent.

Keith (w/ black Valentino strappy shoes) – the gown is black with some sort of pink petal skirt.  It is not doing much for me, but he is “confident.”

Andrew (w/ black and taupe feathered Manolo Blahnik heels) – he has done a black and taupe dress with a skirt that is lower in the back than in the front.  The dress is so boring that I almost fell asleep writing the description.  He thinks he pushed outside the box with it, though.

Haven (w/ fuchsia fringed Christian Louboutin pumps with an ankle strap) – she has paired the BADASS shoes with black shorts, and a black and grey top with a ruffled pink dickie.  It sounds awful, but it looks great.

Merlin (w/ Giuseppe Zanotti wedge sandals featuring a turquoise stone broach on the front) – he has made a hideous fabric sculpture recreation of the broach on the shoe.  It is attached to a brown maternity-looking dress.  A hot mess.

Big Bertha (w/ Black, neon yellow, and purple Jean Paul Gaultier strappy platforms) – he has done a black mini dress with an asymmetrical purple ruffle from the model’s left shoulder to her right armpit.  Not for me.

Anna (with this thick banded black heels by Martin Margiela) – she has done a flesh toned sheer top with what look to me like jodhpurs.  The top has a repulsive black cording on it that explodes into small feathers at some points.  Not pretty.

James-Paul (w/ awesome Jimmy Choos that have colored thread detailing the edges of the straps) – he did some weird ugly dress with a Kleenex on her left shoulder and a red sash on her right.  The hemming is all crazy.  He just needs to make something pretty next time.

Lidia (w/ strappy Yves St. Laurent  sandals) – okay, the shoes are gorgeous, but the dress is HIDEOUS!  It’s a white sack with black organza seemingly stapled to the front.  It looks very Addams Family-esque.

Daniella (w/ silver Alexander McQueen heels) – Daniella crawls under my skin, but this outfit is AMAZING.  It has a knee length black leather skirt and a black leather bustier with purple sheer shoulders.  My description does not do it justice.  It rocks.

Angel (w/ afore-mentioned Stella McCartneys) – it is a white shirt dress, and it pretty much is the bomb.  The model sells it, too.  You go, girl!

Reco (w/ black lattice YSL ankle boots) – he has done a little black mini-dress constructed with bias cut strips.  The skirt of the dress makes a balloon over the model’s hips.  She also has a lattice veil that covers part of her face.

Judging.  The judges give the designers mega props for great stuff tonight.   It really hurts my heart to agree that this was a good design episode, but it was.

The top three looks were Angel, Daniella, and Reco.  Surprise!  Reco is the winner.  The look on Daniella’s face is so disgusted that it looks like her neck just vomited her face.

The bottom two looks were Lidia and Andrew.  These two represent extremes:  extremely grody and extremely boring.  During the critiques, Isaac and the Manolo Blahnik man get into a catfight over whether “sale-able” is a good quality in fashion.  Isaac says, “This isn’t The Salesman Show, it’s The Fashion Show.”  Seriously, I thought that Mr. Manolo was gonna get slapped by Isaac.   Anyway, it boils down to what is worse:  failing magnificently or being boring and safe?  The judges decide that being boring and safe is worse, and poor Andrew is eliminated.  It’s probably the right decision, but Andrew seemed like a nice person.  He cries a little after being eliminated because that’s what we gays do.

So, that’s it.  Maybe it’s just my buzz from this cocktail, but I was reasonably entertained during this episode.  Was this an anomaly, or was it a sign of improvement?  Only one way to find out:  meet me here next week when they design for “real” women, a.k.a. fatties.  I will bring the booze.

Season 1, Episode 4: The Shoe Must Go On (originally aired May 28, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Barbara Nitke

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