So You Think You Can Dance: Invasion of the Scary Guest Judge

We’re starting off good. Cat’s dress is a vast improvement over last week’s two ensembles. Actually, I kind of want it myself. But I am sufficiently self-aware to realize that I cannot pull off the same look as a 7-foot-tall beautiful blonde British woman.

Intro time! Why do they all always spin in these? Is there some spinning requirement? I love Melissa’s ballet intros. I just love Melissa, period. Caitlin has some serious hair happening. I miss Max.

The guest judge this week is Toni Basil. She’s about to get a Living Legend of Hip-Hop Award. Uh… this is the first time I’ve encountered Toni Basil, but I can confidently say she is the most un-hip-hop looking person I’ve ever seen. She’s wearing a beret. And Wikipedia lists Paula Abdul as one of Toni’s “associated acts,” whatever that means, so again, not so much with the street cred here, Toni. But I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

This week’s question for the contestants is “What would you be doing with your life if you weren’t dancing?” And, as we’ll soon see, the answer for most is effectively “I have no idea, because I have absolutely no grip on reality or what this thing is that people call a ‘job,’ and therefore I am very very lucky indeed to have been a good enough dancer to make it onto this show.”

Our first dancers are Karla and Jonathan. Karla, if not for the dancing, would be a journalist. Jonathan would be an acrobat for Cirque du Soleil. That seems like a cheat answer. They’re doing a hip-hop routine choreographed by Dave Scott that’s all about hats. Jonathan is having issues because he doesn’t have an inner gangster. Jonathan’s kind of cute; I hadn’t noticed that before.

Their dance involves lots of running around. Jonathan looks good, for once. Karla looks way better, though. Jonathan’s silver pants are my favorite thing about this routine. They also do some cool flips and stuff, but nevertheless it’s all about silver pants.

The judges are talking more this week, I guess because the shows are still two hours long but have fewer performances. Nigel is confused about this style of hip-hop and found it unexciting and unscary (he prefers to be scared of gangsters). He compares it to “a Sunday School picnic outing,” and I’m sure Nigel’s been to lots of those. He’s especially critical of Jonathan, who looks really sad. Aww. Mary is nicer but still critical and points out that they weren’t in sync. Toni starts talking about the history of hip-hop and I already hate her. Benefit of the doubt abandoned. She says they don’t have a “ghetto groove.” Okay, that beret really was a terrible idea, because it is impossible to take her seriously talking about ghetto grooves. Nigel thinks they’ll be in the bottom three and no one contradicts him, so now Nigel gets to look like he’s a prophet when in reality if they’re in the bottom three it’ll be because he said that.

Next, Vitolio and Asuka, doing a Mandy Moore jazz routine. If they weren’t dancing, Asuka would be making jewelry for ballroom dancers, and Vitolio would be the lead singer in a band. And this is where I start to realize exactly how cut off these contestants are from the real world and this thing you and I call “having a career.” I feel bad for their former guidance counselors, who’ve got to be cringing and running off to blog about how they tried to steer them right. Asuka and Vitolio have some serious off-camera chemistry, not that I’m judging.

They’re dancing to “Heartbreaker,” and therefore I already like their routine, even though once again Asuka’s outfit isn’t doing her any favors. This woman has been cursed by the wardrobe people. The dance is cool, but as usual I don’t get “jazz” from it. At the end, Vitolio holds Asuka over his head and spins her around for about 45 minutes, then hangs her upside down and totes her around for a little longer just for fun. So that was cool.

Nigel says they were fantastic and likes Vitolio’s macho-ness. I’m sure he does. He also mocks Mandy’s choreography. Mary says it was good, but not as good as their waltz last week, and that she expected a little more. Toni says they have the potential to be powerful and that she likes it when Vitolio and Asuka act sexy with each other. Then she keeps talking for a while without saying anything. Shut up, Toni. If you aren’t careful I’ll take away your beret-wearing hip-hop award.

Next, Ade and Melissa. Yay! Just seeing Melissa makes me smile. If she wasn’t dancing, Melissa would open a Pilates studio. Ade would be a sound engineer. Finally, a semi-realistic goal. They’re doing the rumba, which I keep wanting to spell with an H like rhombus, choreographed by Tony Meredith. There is a lot of sensuality in the rumba, we’re told. Ooh, I like Melissa’s shoes. But Ade’s pick is irritating. If I were Melissa I’d be “accidentally” knocking it out all the time.

Then the actual dance starts. Man! Check out Melissa’s dress. I pause my DVR to get a better look. It’s super-sparkly, has random cut-outs, and is just generally and indescribably awesome. Actually, it’s kind of like a toga. Or a sarong over a bikini. Ade, unfortunately, is wearing a see-through shirt unbuttoned down to there. What is up with Ade and the chest-baring? Melissa looks very unballerina-like. And is very skinny, which I didn’t notice until now. But you can see every rib, even through her back, which is just weird, and unattractive. It’s the only thing about her that is, though. Oh, right, the dance. Well, it’s very impressive and hardcore, with some spinning and stuff, and lots and lots of strutting. And they seem to feel very in-character.

Cat makes everyone clap for Melissa for wearing the dress, and rightly so. Nigel calls it “the old sort of Rita Hayworth look,” then compliments Melissa’s back, legs, and hips. Uh… okay, dirty old man. Then he says Ade was great. And then he utters a line he’s clearly been wanting desperately to say since Vegas: “What a difference Ade makes.” Hilarious, Nigel, hilarious. Mary, not being into girls, is more restrained in her praise than Nigel, but offers up a scream nonetheless. Toni says Ade and Melissa were good because they had a good choreographer. Whatever. I’m thinking Melissa and Ade will both make it really far in this, even though they haven’t gotten as much hype as some of the others so far.

Next, Brandon and Janette. Brandon, were he not dancing, would be doing set lighting and design. Naturally. Janette, meanwhile, would be a loan processor in a bank, which she is actually studying to be. Good for Janette! Surely all these people can’t have always been counting on dance to get them through their entire lives. Prior to getting on this show, how successful were any of these people? They’re doing a hip-hop routine, also choreographed by Dave Scott. That hardly seems fair to Karla and Jonathan, to put them up against one of the best pairs dancing in the same genre and with the same choreographer. Or maybe it’s actually extra-fair. We’re told that Dave and Brandon had a little competition during their rehearsals. Does anyone think that secretly Brandon might be kind of a jerk? Because I’m starting to get a little bit of a vibe. Maybe this was Mia’s issue. I just can’t make up my mind about Brandon.

Then the dance starts, and – oh, this is a crime. What have they done to Janette’s hair? Oh, but wait, they both look hilarious. This is definitely another time to hit Pause. Brandon has a bright red sideways baseball cap that is the epitome of the non-Brandon. Janette is dressed like a dominatrix, but, like, a poor man’s dominatrix, in a corset and tights that she probably bought at the stripper store the female wrestlers all shopped at on that one episode of Project Runway a few seasons back. Okay, but I’m going to watch the dance. Hmm. I think Nigel will find this sufficiently scary. Brandon, I will admit, is amazing. This routine looks pretty cool to me. Janette -  wow, I would imagine this is pretty far from spicy salsa, but she looks awesome, and she is working that outfit, and even the hair. It’s just hilarious how different these two people are from their characters. Which is clearly the point. But they both took it and ran with it and made it amazing. Okay, I’m definitely rooting for them now.

Nigel says they look like 50 Cent and Cher. Hee. He says they impressed him by going so far from their styles. Mary is again complimentary, and again screams, but again is not over the top with her praise. I wonder if she regrets making that scream her trademark, since it seems to take a lot of effort and she doesn’t always seem to be up to it. Toni says some blah blah blah about how they were good. They, apparently, had the ghetto groove. Brandon and Janette pretend to be thrilled with her praise instead of embarrassed on her behalf for that beret.

Next, new pair Kayla and Kupono. Kayla would be a model (she’s 18, I’m not going to be mean, I’m not) and Kupono would be a costume designer. He often wears his own creations on the SYTYCD stage. Uh-huh. They’re doing a Viennese waltz choreographed by Jean Marc something, which isn’t easy for either of them.

The dance is supposed to be dreamlike, and it is. Kayla’s dress is awesome, way better than Asuka’s was when she waltzed. Kayla looks way better than Kupono. They’re barefoot, which isn’t something I generally associate with waltzes but perhaps that’s all the rage in Vienna. The dance is pretty, but I don’t find it particularly engaging.

Nigel says it was beautiful and elegant but qualifies that with a lot of things that don’t sound so great, and says he doesn’t think people will vote for them because it wasn’t that exciting. Mary says it had a beautiful flow and calls it amazing, and gives Kupono some technical critique. Then she screams and talks about her stupid train and Kayla and Kupono have to act like this is the most thrilling thing that’s ever happened to them, which I guess sadly it might be. Toni really liked it and calls attention to the lack of shoes and gushes about Kayla’s apparent awesomeness.

Next, Randi and Evan. Hooray! Randi is pursuing a career as a special ed teacher. Yay, another real job. Evan would own a custom car shop, making cars go fast and look cool. Oh, Evan, come on, be a real guy for me. This week they’re being choreographed contemporarily by Mia Michaels, and the dance is all about Randi’s butt. Evan is supposed to be hypnotized by it. Man, I hate Mia Michaels. Is there one woman in this competition that’s less likely to be comfortable with this concept than Randi? She’s a good sport though. But Evan has to act like a perv in rehearsals.

Then the dance starts, and actually, it’s so pervy it’s hard to watch. And yes, I’m talking about a Randi and Evan dance here. My favorite pair, whom I usually rewind and watch two or three times. But this is really just disturbing. I can tell they’re good though. I keep looking away from Evan, since the perviness bothers me so much, which gives me more opportunity than usual to recognize that Randi’s dancing quite well. Even if mostly I just feel bad for her for having to do this.

Nigel talks about how simple the choreography was, and is more explicit about not liking it than he usually is. But he notes that it was beautifully danced. Then he talks about the perviness and implies that it was a good thing and says the word “butt” about fifty times and ew ew ew why do they let this man on television? Randi looks like she’s trying really hard to act professional and not bothered by all this. Evan looks like he just feels gross. Mary says they were terrific and screams and sounds like she genuinely wanted to scream this time. She says starting tonight she finally sees Evan as a leading man. She talks some about how this couldn’t have been easy for Randi, and Randi looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Toni talks about how much she loves Mia Michaels and says she’s impressed that Evan and Randi lived up to their choreography.

And, okay, I know I just said up there that I loved how Brandon and Janette took a routine that was designed to emphasize how utterly out of their element they were, and how they ran with it and embraced it and made it amazing and how I loved them for it. And it kind of feels like a contradiction here that I’m not mad at Evan and Randi for not embracing this that much. But… they did the dance. They played their characters, they did what was asked of them, and the judges say it was good, so I believe them. But it really just seems cruel to make them, especially Randi, act out this routine that was supposed to be “sexy,” except that really it was just gross. It feels exploitative and wrong. The supposed sexiness of the routine was so different here than it was with, say, Melissa and Ade, because it was one-sided – the character Evan was playing had some sort of bizarre unrequited fascination with one body part of the character Randi was playing, and what’s sexy about that? And don’t give me Nigel’s stupid thing about how it was the South of France and an old man was checking out some little girl, because that only makes it worse. Evan and Randi are both way too good for this crap, and I’m just glad to know that they’re probably going to make it through so next week they can get matched with a good choreographer.

Okay, I’m done with that and ready for Jason and Caitlin. Caitlin wants to be a broadcast journalist, by which she means she wants to be a TV news anchor. Jason would be a soccer player. Of course they totally would be both of those things. Such easy careers to break into, compared to dance. They’re doing a Paso Doble choreographed by Jean Marc and Frances Genereux. The dance is about how they hate each other. Jean Marc did not approve of the clothes Caitlin and Jason wore to rehearsal, so he ripped them off. Oookay.

Meanwhile, the outfits they wear to perform are awesome. I’m assuming this dance is Spanish because Jason is dressed like a bullfighter. Caitlin has some sort of bikini top/long flared skirt combo going on that’s extremely sparkly and very appropriate to Caitlin’s personality. The dance is dramatic and cool. I love these two. But man, I wish Randi and Evan had gotten this routine. Caitlin and Jason totally would’ve been great with Mia’s number, and they both would’ve been comfortable with it and so it wouldn’t have felt nearly so pervy or gross. Wow, Jason looks amazing. He’s a good actor; I don’t remember noticing that before. That was neato.

Nigel says Jason was performing to the audience and not Caitlin, and that he should use his thighs more. He says Caitlin was good and had a good flow. Overall they didn’t have enough chemistry for Nigel. Well, at least he didn’t talk about any of Caitlin’s body parts. Mary liked it and thinks Jason is hot but has some technical critique for him. She doesn’t scream this time. Toni liked it and says some stuff about living with the music and whatever, just go away Toni. Not totally stellar reviews, but honestly I think people will be voting for them for Jason’s pectorals alone.

Last, Jeanine and Phillip, doing a Broadway routine choreographed by Tyce Diorio. I wish there was more Broadway on this show and less “jazz.” Phillip, if he weren’t dancing, would be an “inventor.” Seriously, he thinks that’s a job. He wants to “create or invent something that will help society.” Jeanine would be an actress, which isn’t much better, but at least it’s an actual job title. Oh, wait, she’s actually done some commercials and “independent films.” Okay, at least she’s actually pursuing it. She’s psyched about doing Broadway because she gets to act. Phillip is supposed to jump over the couch, which is six feet long, which is not easy, and also, if he misses he lands on Jeanine. So that should be suspenseful.

I don’t find the dance particularly engaging. It’s to a song from Singin’ in the Rain. I don’t quite follow the story they’re attempting to tell, but Phillip lands the jump successfully. The dance involves a lot of Jeanine flashing her underwear, as well as much throwing of feathers. After it’s over, we find out that Phillip ripped a hole in his pants at some point, and Jeanine helpfully shows us Phillip’s underwear, which I suppose is only fair, even though it did seem kind of mean.

Nigel says Jeanine brought the right amount of personality to the routine but that Phillip didn’t, not quite. He gives his usual qualified criticism, by saying that he and everyone else in the world loves Phillip and wants Phillip to win, but that Phillip just isn’t good enough at doing styles that aren’t his own. What is up with Nigel’s obsession with Phillip? Perhaps all this supposed hype about Phillip actually consists of Nigel secretly maintaining, like, 30 different Phillip fansites. I bet Nigel still thinks MySpace is the center of the world. Mary is allergic to feathers but liked the routine. She says Jeanine would be great on Broadway. Jeanine clearly needs a better partner. I’d like to see her with, like, Vitolio or someone. Toni says it was “adorable” but not as good as Gene Kelly. Well, come on now, what are we expecting here?

Okay, results show. My predicted bottom three: Karla and Jonathan, Kayla and Kupono, and Randi and Evan. (I would’ve said Jeanine and Phillip rather than Randi and Evan, but I’m assuming the Cult of Phillip is still up and running.)

Fox, I hate to be the one to tell you, but there is nothing “groundbreaking” about More to Love. I can think of a few other adjectives that would be appropriate, though.

Cat is wearing – wow. That takes guts, to wear that one-piece disco-ish black-and-white jumpsuit thing she’s got on. Her hair looks great though.

The group performance seems to be set in a bordello. Oh, great, because the women of this show aren’t exploited enough as it is, let’s cast them all as prostitutes. Man. I keep trying to like this show and then it keeps doing things like this. The guys are all wearing skimpy tops, but nothing that compares to the women’s outfits, and they have to act all lecherous toward the women, even though I’m assuming at least half of them are gay. Okay, I know a decent portion of popular entertainment over the past millennium has cast women as whores and men as gangsters, but do we really have to keep going with this theme in 2009? I knew I should’ve voted for Hillary. Now I hope we get more zombie group performances if this is the alternative. I’m seriously so grossed out right now. Then we’re told Dmitry, Tabitha, and Napoleon choreographed that routine. Thanks. I had liked Tabitha and Napoleon before that.

After that nightmare is over, Nigel talks for a while about the deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Well, it had to be acknowledged, and I guess there wasn’t time to choreograph a new group routine to “Thriller.” Next week, maybe?

Oh, no, wait they’re going to show a clip from the “Thriller” video right now. Am I a bad person for fast-forwarding through it? I like the “Thriller” video but I’ve seen it a million times.

Now that that’s done with, time for results. Sadly, the contestants’ outfits aren’t as dramatic as usual. Evan is wearing a tie, aww. Randi’s in a fairly pretty unitard/dress thing. Melissa has her hair straightened, which is unsettling, and Ade is wearing an Obama T-shirt. Because Obama T-shirts are now sufficiently ingrained in our popular culture to have become part of reality-show dance costumes. Jonathan is wearing jeans and a wife beater. Kayla also has her hair straightened and looks even more like a girl in a Clearasil ad than usual.

The bottom three are Asuka and Vitolio, Karla and Jonathan, and Jason and Caitlin. Wow, there must be some serious hate out there for Caitlin and Jason. I’m really surprised by that. Their routine was so cool and dramatic, and honestly I thought the 13-year-old girls who I assume do most of the voting for this show would’ve been totally crazy for Jason after that performance.

So, I suspect Jonathan and Karla will be the two kicked off tonight, and I’m fine with that.

Next, we see a performance by the Rage Boyz Crew. It’s pretty cool. Half of them are adults and half are little boys in sparkly jackets, and I assume this is a coincidence but it’s very hard not to think of the Jackson Five. The kids dance, and the older guys do flips and stuff. At one point they throw one of the little kids across the stage and I get kind of scared, but they catch him. Cat is totally entranced by all these kids, and I remember that she’s a children’s show host at heart, because she’s very cute with them. Well, that was more fun than that past two weeks’ guest dancers.

Time for the 30 seconds of shame. Asuka looks amazing. I wish I had another reason to like her besides thinking she looks amazing, but she keeps being boring and not particularly impressing me with her dancing. She does the best she can in her 30 seconds, ballroom dancing by herself. Then Vitolio does his usual shirtless jumping around thing. I wonder if Asuka is what’s weighing him down. Yes, let’s pair Vitolio with Jeanine, please. Karla flails and spins. Bye, Karla. Jonathan, who’s been criticized for doing nothing but tumbling, comes out and does some steps, and then, of course, tumbles. Although the dancing looks good too. But, too little, too late. Caitlin does some ballet-ish stuff like she always does when she does solos. Then she does some cool flipping/tumbling stuff of her own. She looks really depressed to be in the bottom again. Jason, who last week we were told did the best solo ever, can’t exactly do the same thing again, and so is kind of screwed. I have no idea if what he does is good or not so I’ll let the judges tell me.

Next, we see a performance by The Veronicas, who it turns out are Australian twins neither one of whom is named Veronica. They sing a song called “Take Me On The Floor.” Huh, I’m getting 4 Non Blondes flashbacks.  But I should note that, just like I know nothing about dance, I know nothing about music either. There are a couple of backup dancers, which I guess is how this performance is supposed to tie in to the show, because neither of the singers is dancing at all. Based on some mic issues (send Ade out there to fix the sound!), I think these two are actually singing live, at least partly. So that’s pretty cool. And, huh, I kind of … like this song. But then they start flirting with their backup dancers and I’m not so into it anymore. And whatever, that’s as much time as I have to spend thinking about The Veronicas.

Time to kick some people off. The judges’ votes were unanimous on the women. They say Caitlin gave the best solo of the night, so she’s safe, although Nigel is rude to her anyway. They say Karla was desperate tonight and had technical flaws in her solo. Then Asuka, who looks so devastated to be in the bottom, is told she’s good but not growing in the competition. So she’s off the show. Wow, I did not expect that. She holds it together as best she can. Cat says she doesn’t know what Vitolio’s going to do without Asuka, and I know Cat wasn’t thinking when she said that but poor Asuka will look back on it and know that Cat, just like all of us watching, knew that Vitolio was going to be safe and that it really was Asuka who was dragging him down. Cat will probably realize that in about three seconds, too, and feel bad. (Unless this whole super-nice-host thing she has going on is all an act, but I don’t think it is.)

Anyway. The judges were not unanimous in their vote on the men. I’m kind of hoping now that Jason gets kicked off so that we can see Vitolio dancing with Caitlin, which I think would be awesome, but I don’t see that happening, not with Jonathan right there. Nigel tells Vitolio he doesn’t always deliver on his promise and needs to stop holding back. Jonathan, whose eyes make clear that he knows he’s done, is told once again that he’s a great gymnast and is “certainly a good-looking lad,” in Nigel’s eyes, but not a good enough dancer. Jason is told his solo this week was “full of desperation,” so not as good as last week, and also that his outfit is bad (and I agree on that one). The judges send Jonathan home, but they’re clearly very mad at both Vitolio and Jason. Maybe that will make Cat feel better about saying that to Asuka earlier. Bye, Jonathan. Maybe Cirque du Soleil will call.

So, next week Karla and Vitolio will be together. I can’t imagine that will help either of them much, but you never know.

Then Cat plugs American Idol’s upcoming rebroadcast of the Michael Jackson episode from this past season. Oh, so does that mean the SYTYCD kids won’t dance to “Thriller” next week? Oh well, they’d probably find a way to turn it into something about prostitution, too, since zombies would be too obvious.

Season 5, Episodes 10&11: Top 16 (originally aired June 24&25, 2009)

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