The Fashion Show: Shape Shifters

Gather round, my friends.  It’s time for The Fashion Show.  I have to give minor props because last week was almost passably entertaining.  Let’s hope that it was the start of a trend.

Reco starts off saying that Lidia should have gone home over Andrew because “her craftsmanship was the absolute fool!”  I sort of enjoy that statement, and I think I will begin incorporating it into my everyday life.  “That opening statement was the absolute fool!”  “These babyback ribs are the absolute fool!”  Look for it!

Laura Brown comes out for the Harper’s Bazaar mini challenge, and Isaac rambles on about attention to detail.  He talks about this hella pleated dress he showed at fashion week for Fall 2009, but – surprise! – the contestants have to sketch the dress that Kelly is wearing, not Isaac’s Fall 2009 gown.  How freaking dumb.  DUMB!  I don’t even care.  The winner – it ended up being Daniella – will get a big time advantage for the elimination challenge.  Why?  Why does this challenge warrant a big time advantage?  The big time advantage ends up being that Daniella gets to select one of the bottom three in the elimination challenge.  Ok, this reinforces my initial frustration with this challenge.  Why is such a giant advantage provided to such a non-design related mini challenge?  This show is so dumb.  I hate it.

The designers all go to New York Model Management, and they find out that the office staff will be the “real women” working at the desks.  Then it starts.  Big Bertha complains.  James-Paul says that this will be the death of him; he says, “it’s like asking Jesus Christ to work with Satan.”  He says that the women are all “normal,” and so he “shuns” them.  Really?  REALLY?  It’s that bad?!?!?  THESE WOMEN ARE NOWHERE CLOSE TO OBESE!  They are better-than-average women who are all uniformly beautiful.  These mofo contestants are the WORST.  James-Paul has horrible skin, a speech impediment, and a pathetic attempt at a soul patch.  He looks like a homeless person.  And he shuns these women?!?!?  I hate every single one of their worthless asses.  Except Reco because he didn’t make such a fuss because he designs for both his aunt and sister who are plus sized.

The first question Merlin asks his model, a beautiful curvy Middle Eastern woman, is, “What is the thing that bothers you most about your body?”  Because, as a real woman, she has so many that you lose count.  He is no longer my favorite.

Daniella says that she is not inspired by her model.  She says that even her personality is uninspiring.  Probably because she’s a big fat slob, right Daniella?  Fatties are repulsive in every possible way, including personality, right Daniella?  Her model is so not even fat.  NOT FAT AT ALL.

Back in the workroom, Haven and Daniella (again) are arguing about whose model has the biggest ass.  Then, Daniella starts crying – CRYING – because she has to design for a real woman.  I loathe these people.  I’m wearing out my thesaurus looking for synonyms for hate.

Kelly and Isaac come into the room for their meet and greet.  Keith is going to make his flat chested model look curvy by cinching in the waist.  Other people are doing things that I could not care less about.  Daniella says that it is difficult to work with her model because she’s bigger all over than anyone Daniella has ever worked with.  I hate her with the fire of ten thousand suns.  Isaac accuses her of being “size-ist” with her approach.  That’s about the nicest thing anyone could say to her.

Later, Daniella does an impression of Merlin that might be amusing were she not such a reprehensible and repulsive human being.

Let’s just fast forward to the actual fashion show.  The audience has some people in it that I never heard of.  When the models are getting dressed, we see that Keith’s dress has a huge bust that does not fit his flat chested model, and Merlin’s model’s ass almost did not fit in the dress.   Off we go!

Keith has done a red strapless cocktail dress with a black sash around the middle.  The fit of the bust is atrocious, like there is a cavernous gap between her gown and her flesh.  And because the fit is so bad up top, it ends up emphasizing the flatness of her chest instead of disguising it.  There’s also something strange going on with the front of the dress, like it was intended to be a wrap dress, but it’s more of a crap dress.

Big Bertha has designed a drag queen dress for his model.  It is basically a little black dress with a colored insert in the middle in an hourglass shape.  It is something Rebecca Glasscock would have worn on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Anna did a short black dress as well, but hers has a blue cross in the center with radiating darker shades that fade into black.  It’s a pretty smart idea because it keeps your eyes focused on the center, distracting you from her width.  Her shoulders look really wide, though, because Anna put some epaulettes on them.  Not digging those.

Daniella has dressed her model to look like Mamie Eisenhower.

Haven’s model is wearing a hot pink dress with black and white striped accents, most noticeably an enormous belt.  All in all, it ain’t bad.

James-Paul’s model comes out, and he is such a jackass for doing this to her.  Her problem was large shoulders, and he has done nothing but exaggerate it all.  She has on an ivory wrap top with a black skirt.  The top has GINORMOUS shoulders to it, along with a large collar.  Awful.  In the voiceover, he manages to say that it’s her fault that he did a crappy job.  Shameful.

Lidia’s model is wearing a black, halter neck dress with a pink underlay.  Fern Mallis likes it, but I think it’s boring.

Merlin’s model comes out in the most hideous thing ever.  It is a red and tan satin dress with a double-breasted houndstooth coat over it.  The coat is ENORMOUSLY wide, making her look like she plays for the D.C. Divas. The dress underneath is incredibly tight over her stomach.  It could not be less flattering, especially in profile.

Angel’s model is in a purple gown.  The shoulders are kind of askew – one on and one off.  The fit of it is gross, like a purple sausage.

Reco’s model looks great.  She has on a grey matching skirt and vest with piping over the seams.  The piping makes her look so trim and cute.  Underneath, she has on a ruffled blouse.  A+ for Reco.

(I still cannot believe that there are ten contestants left.  This show will never end.)

In judging, Isaac tells the designers that they appeared not to understand what they were doing.  The top two designs are Reco’s and Daniella’s.  DANIELLA’S?!  Give me a break.  This is such bull.  Have I mentioned that I hate this show?  My hate grows exponentially when Daniella is selected as the winner.

Because she won the mini challenge, Daniella now gets to make her pick for worst design of the week.  She surprises everyone by not choosing Merlin; instead, she selects Angel.  She says that she picked Angel because the construction was so poor and because the dress did not disguise the areas that the model was most concerned about.  The other two in the bottom three are Keith and Merlin.  Merlin’s model can barely walk out because the dress is so tight, and the judges point out her pooch.  During the interviews, it is clear that Keith’s model despises her dress, even though she tries to be diplomatic about it.

The judges end up eliminating Keith.  His dress was lame.  I understand why they did it.  I just wish he would take four others with him.  This show is also lame.  It would be so much better with Isaac mentoring a group of up and coming designers instead of this garbage.

I really cannot believe how insulting this episode was.  I cannot believe that these fame-whoring idiots sit around and moan about being repulsed to work with “real women,” real women who were all uniformly the antithesis of repulsive.  Pathetic.

Season 1, Episode 5: Shape Shifters (originally aired June 4, 2009)

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Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Virginia Sherwood