Top Chef Masters: Just Like Mario Party

So when I first heard about Top Chef Masters, I thought – how are they going to sustain a show for so many episodes with celebrity chefs who aren’t going to bicker and badmouth and commit career suicide? For that matter, how many celebrity chefs are there really? Well, despite not being smart enough to hang onto Project Runway, Bravo actually greenlit a good idea. It may sound dubious, but the creative team pulls off an entertaining little show here.

And so we have…Top Chef Masters! Here’s a quick intro to how it works: 24 chefs compete for the title and $100,000 for their charity; for the first six weeks, the chefs will compete in heats to narrow down six chefs who will move on to the finals. Over the course of each episode, the competing chefs will be earning stars (like points), based on the Quickfire and the Elimination Challenges. Just like in Mario Party, whoever walks away with the most stars, wins! And if Top Chef Masters goes anything like a game of Mario Party at the Campos house, expect lots of threats, fighting, competitiveness, bad language and hurt feelings. This show will be awesome! The winner also advances to the next round, while earning $10,000 on the spot for their charity.

In our inaugural episode, entitled “Masters Get Schooled” (har har), the four celebrity chefs are: Hubert Keller (previous Top Chef judge), Christopher Lee (not that Christopher Lee), Tim Love, and Michael Schlow.

Kelly Choi arrives as the Host to deliver the rules and introduce the Quickfire. A moment. WTH? Why don’t we have Padma, Colicchio, and our regular judges? I guess it makes sense because Tom is also a chef, and no judging by your peers or something, but who wouldn’t pay money to watch Anthony Bourdain judge his fellow chefs? Oh, the drama that would come out of that. As for Kelly Choi, I’m not a fan. Maybe it’s that half of her lines are poorly voiced over throughout the episode and then she shouts everything else. Other than that, she seems nice enough, but I actually miss Padma. I never thought I’d say that.

Quickfire: Each Quickfire will be based on a favorite Top Chef challenge. This week: Dessert! The chefs have one hour to make the most creative and delicious desserts for four Girl Scouts, who will judge and rate the dishes.

Tim Love never went to school and never trained under a well-known chef, so he’s an underdog and an unknown threat. Take note, chefs! He makes a trio of strawberry desserts: I don’t like strawberries, so in my book, you just lost, Tim. Christopher makes French toast with caramelized bananas. Oh, Christopher – what kid likes breakfast for dessert? They like breakfast for dinner! Dessert is something else entirely. Michael gives a poor impression, because he can’t bake a cake and his ice cream won’t solidify. Well, he definitely belongs on Top Chef. Ask me about ostrich eggs. Hubert makes a trio of fancy desserts, but makes one in the shape of a swan, one in the shape of a cute mouse, and the other in a dish. And since we’re catering to little girls, guess who wins?

Hubert! The girls as judges rate each dish on a star rating: Hubert walks away with a full five stars, Christopher and Tim tie for second with three and a half, and Michael feels lucky to have landed two and a half. Of note, the Girl Scouts rip the dishes to shreds when they don’t like something, but the chefs take it with good humor.

Elimination Challenge: Create a three course meal for the judges and college students using only a hot plate, microwave, and toaster oven. Now, I have to say, I like that the celebrity chefs aren’t getting easy, Celebrity Jeopardy-type challenges. This is a great challenge. After shopping for themselves, which none of them are used to, the chefs drop their food off at the kitchen. The next morning, Tim discovers he left his food in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. Which is even funnier than Michael’s baking issues. You’d think I’d have more sympathy for the contestants next season when they do the same thing, but I won’t. I’ll just laugh harder.

Off to the on-site kitchens … the chefs will be cooking in dorm rooms! Brilliant again. They all struggle at first with setup, but eventually work it out. Only Tim uses his microwave because of his frozen food. He struggles with a pozole, despite not having the correct ingredients and less than fresh ingredients. Hubert washes his pasta in the restroom, and I sure hope that’s not a communal bathroom. Even if it’s been cleaned recently – bacteria, dude. I’m just glad I’m not eating his mac and cheese, I don’t care how good it looks.

This week’s judges: Jay Rayner, London Observer food critic; Gael Greene, NY food critic; James Oseland, editor-in-chief of Saveur Magazine. And of course, the loud-speaking Kelly.

The comments about the food are pretty funny and generally not helpful. I’m sure the judges are contractually obligated to say how much they like everything, because no one gets ripped apart the way the real contestants do – most likely because the Master chefs don’t make the same mistakes as our regular contestants. Well, unless they screw up the ice cream or put their food in the freezer. In general however, the judges nitpick certain elements of some of the dishes while liking everything; Hubert’s they clearly like the most, with Christopher Lee a close second. Tim’s downfall was too much salt on his main dish, and Michael had trouble cooking his pork on the hot plate.

Critics’ Table. Oh, that’s the difference. This show is about being “critiqued” and not “judged.” Again, the critics are much nicer than one would expect of critics, but maybe that’s editing. They hand out compliments to everyone, with problems of seasoning pointed out as necessary. After hearing about the trials and tribulations of dorm room cooking from the chefs, the judges rehash the meals over Deliberation – more compliments, but we finally hear some of the negatives about the dishes. All of the negatives are subtle, and what one judge didn’t like, another one did, so Masters becomes the master of mixed messages. And at this point, slightly boring.

Bring the chefs back out, and Michael scores the lowest with three and a half stars out of five from the students (added to his two and a half from the Girl Scouts) and then only seven and a half from the judges, totaling thirteen and a half. Tim does better at fourteen and a half, and Christopher even better with nineteen stars. However, Hubert once again takes the win with twenty and a half stars, winning the heat and $10,000 for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The other chefs also receive a donation to their charities, but since the amount isn’t specified, it’s possible the donation equals their star totals, so $13.50 for Michael. Sorry, charity!

It’s actually kind of charming to see how much each of the chefs wanted to win and advance, and how much they enjoyed it. I wonder if all of the Masters chefs will have the same enthusiastic attitude that these four had, or if someone’s going to go crazy because they have to cook in dorm room-like settings. I hope so!

Okay, so maybe not as exciting as a game of Mario Party at the Campos house (yes, you’re invited), but still better than The Fashion Show.

This season: Neil Patrick Harris, crazy hats from Gael (and Gail!), and did I see Fabio?

Season 1, Episode 1: Masters Get Schooled (originally aired June 10, 2009)

For another opinion on this episode, check out Hubert Is Not Your Bitch, Bitch by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal