Weeds: Nobody Likes a Bad Mommy

Weeds – Showtime’s beloved family drama about a mom who deals with the death of her husband by dealing pot, burning down her suburban community, moving to the Mexican border, getting impregnated by a Mexican drug lord, and then ratting him out to the police – returned on Monday night with all its good, healthy, American values intact.

The season five premiere started with a bang – actually two – as Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) ducked on the floor and Cesar (Enrique Castillo) shot two lackeys who overheard that Nancy was a pregnant snitch. Esteban (Demian Bichir) then let Nancy go. Instead of going home, however, she went to the mall to drink one of those ubiquitous iced drinks she’s always sipping on. She also discovered there was blood on her bag. This freaked her out – I guess because the dead guys that got shot for standing at a door weren’t ominous enough for her.

Back at the house Silas (Hunter Parrish), Doug (Kevin Nealon), and Andy (Justin Kirk) discussed their new pot growing plans and Shane (Alexander Gould) showed off his new haircut, height and earring. Aware that Nancy might not be coming back, Shane and Silas rock paper scissored over Nancy’s room while Andy suggested they close it up in plastic so no one can ever touch it. Nancy comes back and is thrilled to see she was so missed.

The next morning, Nancy got a call from Mexico. But it wasn’t Esteban, it was a ransom call for Celia (Elizabeth Perkins) who’s been kidnapped by her daughter Quinn (Haley Hudson, who used to fool around with Silas back in season 1) and her revolutionary boyfriend Rudolpho (Kevin Alejandro). Nancy explained that she wasn’t really friends with Celia and went back to sleep. This was too bad for Celia since her ex-husband Dean (Andy Milder) already said he wouldn’t pay the ransom either.  Then Andy came in and suggested that they all go to Copenhagen to escape the Mexican Mafia – oh, and he loves her. Nancy responded by telling him she’s pregnant. Then Cesar called. She’d be meeting drug lord bf at 2 p.m.

At school, Shane was taking up the family biz by dealing pot in the library. Shane’s English teacher showed up, obviously aware of the situation. But he wasn’t there to rat Shane out, he was there to get a little something to help him grade papers on Anne Frank that night. Shane was happy to oblige.
At the police station, Sanjay (Maulik Pancholy) was talking to Agent Till (Jack Stehlin) about how he doesn’t know anything because he was too distracted by the one good-looking drug dealer to notice anything else. Oh Jonathan, I like you so much better when you’re worshiping at the feet of Jack Donaghy.  Anyway, Rudolpho called and asked Till for a ransom for Celia. Till had some rather nasty words for the kidnapper and dismissed it as a prank. Ah, law enforcement at its finest.

Then Doug got a ransom call while discussing the pot-planting operation with Silas and Andy. He hung up. Then it was Andy’s turn for a ransom call, but rather than answer the question, Andy went off on a tirade about people dying and having babies, even women in their 40s. Because they’re not as dumb as they look, Doug and Silas realized maybe Nancy was hiding something. Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, Celia was shocked that no one would pay her ransom. No one else was. Quinn got ticked and said that if no one would pay, they’d just kill her and sell her organs. Then she ordered Rudolpho to come and have sex with her. She’s demanding.

At her 2 p.m. appointment another bad mother was dealing with her own problem child at the OB-GYN. At a Spanish-speaking doctor’s office, Esteban tried to get Nancy to sign forms she couldn’t read. She resisted and suggested they go to a doctor she can understand. Esteban got aggressive, told her to lie back, and show the doctor that there was a boy in her flat stomach. Left alone on the table, Nancy started to cry. Yeah, pregnant women can be so emotional when their baby’s father is trying to get them to submit to shady procedures while threatening them with violent death if they don’t comply. It’s the hormones.

Elsewhere in Mexico, Celia tried to make amends with Quinn by offering to go to a spa. Quinn responded by showing her mother some lovely photos of what they were going to do to her on the black market. Celia was none too pleased and started going off about how she didn’t live through cancer to die this way. Also smarter than he looks, Rudolpho realized that if Celia’s had cancer, she’s also had radiation, and with a double mastectomy they’d never be able to hide that on the black market. Celia’s organs were worth nothing. Quinn then attacked Celia, but Rudolpho stopped her and she left in a huff to find another revolutionary to commit crime with.

At the Botwin house Andy was dealing with the whole Nancy pregnancy scenario by baking lots and lots of banana bread. Shane wanted to know what was going on, and Doug informed him that his mom’s eggo is preggo. Shane was shocked. Then Nancy came home and was pleased by the bread which Andy made because he thought they could still be friends even though she’s an “irresponsible slutty slut” who had unprotected sex with a “Mexican gangsta”. Obviously touched, Nancy then asked Andy to take Shane up to her sister’s house to keep him safe.

Shane was angry that the pregnancy thing was for real and responded by wondering how old Nancy is. Nancy had no response (answer: older than she looks). Silas wanted to know when the abortion was, but Nancy said she was keeping the baby and Andy pointed out that it was the only thing keeping her Mexican gangster boyfriend from killing her. Shane refused to go to Oakland, he and Silas argued, and then began to wrestle to the floor the way brothers do. Nancy tried futilely to get them to stop by picking up a fresh-from-the-oven loaf of banana bread, burning her hand, and dropping it to the floor. Andy responded with the most apropos line of the episode: “You ruin everything you touch!”

Silas showed no sympathy for his burned mother and left to go plant his weed. Then Shane and Andy left for Oakland. All alone, Nancy headed to an outdoor mall to drink an iced coffee and watch a spontaneous dance performance (not as good as this one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k&feature=related) which made her smile. Then she realized she wasn’t really alone. Cesar was watching.

Season 5, Episode 1: Wonderful Wonderful (originally aired June 8, 2009)

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Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Sonja Flemming