Rescue Me: Damn These Cancer Kids!

rescueme14Boxing, booze, and ballbusting…the three central Bs of this week’s episode. Franco steps into the ring for the first time and knocks out his opponent, but the guys are more interested in debating whether or not Franco’s boxer lady friend is a lesbian or not. Even Colleen chips in, saying that she has a “secret lesbo handshake.” Black Shawn asks her how she knows about a secret lesbian handshake and realizes that yes, Colleen really has done everything there is to do. (Colleen’s lesbian phase was back in season one, for the record). Yeah, this relationship is doomed.

Speaking of doomed relationships, we got Lou and Candy. Tommy is still convinced that Candy is just out to screw Lou over again (though since she already took all of his money, I don’t know what else she can take from him), and I don’t completely disagree. Lou is still trying to feel her out, so imagine his surprise when he bites down on a wedding ring in the mashed potatoes she made for him. I can’t think of a stupider way to propose to someone. If someone put a ring or any other metal object in my mashed potatoes and I bit down on it, not only would I not marry them but I would punch them in the face as hard as I possibly could. But Lou isn’t me, and while he doesn’t say yes flat out, I’m worried that he will cave eventually. He tells Candy that, upon biting into the ring, he had two simultaneous impulses: one was to say yes, and the other was to pick up his steak knife and drill it into his brain. He’s leaning toward the first one, but personally I think the latter has a better chance for success. There’s no way this thing with Candy can work out for him, though he definitely deserves it after having been put through the blender for the past five years.

Bad news: Sean is completely out of his coma and on the road to recovery, so no more musical numbers. We do get a male stripper in a golden thong dancing around in his hospital room though, courtesy of the guys. They’re out to show their support and cheer Sean up…until Sean nonchalantly divulges that he has been paying for his operation by skimming off their bar money. Then they all consider killing him, in case the kidney cancer fails. But when they realize that, even with skimming, he is still short, they decide to pick up the slack anyway. So Mike comes up with the notion of having a charity concert with his band. The crew holds back laughter, but with no better idea, they succumb to Mike’s musical disgrace, the theory being that people will pay because it’s for a good cause…and then they’ll pay with their ears.

The big event this week though is a car chase. Sounds like pretty standard television fare right? Except in this case, the car chase is instigated by a devious preadolescent kid with terminal cancer. That’s originality. Tommy convinces Feinberg to bring a couple of the rigs over to the hospital so the kids can play with the sirens and just be kids for a brief period. But one of them has more in mind. I guess I can’t blame him. If I weren’t long for this world, I’d do whatever I wanted too. But as Tommy gives chase, he utters the classic line “Damn these cancer kids!” I want that on a tee shirt. Come to think of it, there ought to be a whole line of Rescue Me tee shirts with classic lines like “What in the sweet chocolate christ is a metrosexual?” That one was courtesy of Jerry Reilly, six feet under since season four. Hey, speaking of Jerry, how come Tommy has never seen him as a ghost?

Season 5, Episode 14: Wheels (originally aired July 7, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Magical Dustpans by Jaimie Campos.

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

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