Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Hot ‘n’ Heavy at Hogwarts

J.B.: On July 15, 2009, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the latest installment in the Harry Potter franchise, opened nationwide. Children and infantile adults dusted off their makeshift wizard costumes and lined up at all hours of the day and night to be the first in line to see this film. We too were in line. So first up, can we all agree that this is truly the darkest film yet?

Robin: Hear, hear. Sarcastically, I mean.

Jaimie: Only because that’s what I read on the Internet.

J.B.: I’ve actually heard the comment from people already.

Robin: In reality, of course, this is one of the lighter installments in recent memory. It’s rated PG for heaven’s sake. Although it shouldn’t have been.

J.B.: Absolutely not. But if you don’t believe me, search for “potter darkest” on Google News. It’s pathetic. Find a new way to talk about these films.

Robin: Maybe they’re just referring to the artsy cinematography.

J.B.: EMERGENCY!

Robin: Oh?

J.B.: I’m out of wine!

Robin: Oh, lord. Are we going to get into an Aragog-funeral situation here? Are you going to just pass out and hit your head on a log before we can finish the review?

Jaimie: Wait, does that make me Harry or Slughorn?

Robin: You can choose.

Jaimie: No offense, but I’m going to go with Harry. Or Fang.

Robin: I like Jim Broadbent. I can be him.

Jaimie: He was fantastic, I thought.

Robin: He was! But they always are. The adults, I mean.

Jaimie: Did either of you re-read the book before this film came out?

Robin: No, I prefer to remember as little as possible going in. Did you?

J.B.: Who has the time?!?

Robin: You have time to watch Dollhouse.

J.B.: That was way harsh, Ty.

Jaimie: This was my least favorite book ? there’s no way I’m ever reading it a second time.

Robin: Did you like the movie better than you liked the book?

Jaimie: I think I really liked the movie, actually. I think it helped that I had blocked out so much from the book.

J.B.: I read the book right when it came out and then I read it again before the final book. I’m surprised I remembered so much.

Robin: I have them all memorized no matter how recently I’ve read them. It’s part of my DNA at this point.

J.B.: I thought the movie was better than the book, except in one crucial detail: the ending.

Robin: Speaking of the ending, shall we throw up a general spoiler warning now for the entire movie and for all seven books?

Jaimie: SPOILER ALERT!

J.B.: Thank you, Jaimie. I don’t think spoilers are appropriate for the books. Too much time has passed.

Robin: CEDRIC DIES.

J.B.: Everyone dies! It’s like Hamlet!

Jaimie: No wonder this movie is the darkest one yet.

Jaimie: But for the changes in the movie, yes.

J.B.: The changes in the movie. Aside from the pervasive hormones, what did they change/add? More Draco Malfoy, the wheat field scene, the ending, what else?

Robin: I would argue that the hormones were equally pervasive in the book. However, they received proportionately more screen time in the movie, because they didn’t want it to be such a downer like the last movie was.

J.B.: True but I guess there’s something different in reading “Won-Won” and seeing Lavender fog up a window on the Hogwarts Express and write “R + L” in a heart.

Jaimie: Tonks and Remus were sidelined.

J.B.: All of the Weasleys were.

Robin: I liked how they handled the Remus/Tonks actually

J.B.: Yes, you got all you needed.

Robin: They had to work around the absence of Bill and Fleur and did so in an interesting way.

Jaimie: Wow, I forgot about Bill and Fleur.

J.B.: Exactly.

Robin: And you call yourself a fan.

Jaimie: I was actually trying to remember who marries who in the last one, and I couldn’t. I did say I disliked this book.

Robin: Yeah, I’m disappointed that apparently they aren’t going to show the wedding in the seventh movie. Although now that the Burrow has burned down they’d have no venue for it anyway.

J.B.: Plow the wheat field!

Jaimie: And they will come.

As a brief plot summary: Harry Potter and Dumbledore search for the keys to Voldemort‘s immortality, as the Death Eaters wreak havoc on the human and wizarding worlds. Meanwhile, Draco Malfoy must follow through on an order from Voldemort, which will have consequences affecting the entire wizarding world, and Harry’s quest.

Robin: And, also, everyone makes out with each other.

J.B.: At a minimum. Half the school gets to second base.

Robin: Whereas all Harry gets is a chaste peck. Sucks to be the Chosen One.

Jaimie: I wish my high school had been like that.

Robin: Well it’s boarding school, the sin is automatically dialed up to nine.

Jaimie: I’d say, this is the first of the films where the three primary actors were allowed to “act.”

Robin: You think so? I thought movie three had a decent amount of “acting.”

J.B.: I agree. The actors were quite good. Comedic timing, alone, is very difficult to do right.

Jaimie: Hermione usually makes me want to pull my hair out.

J.B.: When she stuffed that food in her face. Brilliant.

Robin: Oh I love Emma Watson! I want to hang out with her and braid her hair.

But, you know what I decided this morning, is that Tom Felton was the best casting of all the original kids. They had no idea how anyone’s acting skills were going to develop over time, but he just happened to grow up into the perfect Draco.

J.B.: I was just going to say. What did we think of the Draco additions?

Jaimie: I really liked him in this one.

J.B.: His character has so much more depth here than in the book.

Robin: I felt for him a lot more than I did in the books.

J.B.: It made more sense and it made the final scene with Dumblydore more dramatic.

Jaimie: And here’s my problem ? and it’s also my problem with the book ? because Rowling spends five books building up Draco to be Harry’s nemesis, then in this book, gives Draco an arc (though he’s mostly sniveling and crying through the book, and in the background), and then he’s irrelevant in the last book. He has no real impact on the story. He peaks here for almost killing Dumbledore, and that’s it.

Robin: Well, he’s the Master of the Elder Wand in the seventh book, so arguably he’s significant plot-wise. But in terms of screen time and character development, yes, I agree. I think Draco is a missed opportunity. It’s also possible that JKR was turned off by all the fan obsession over Draco, which she went to great lengths to discourage, and that may have been why he got less attention in the later books.

Jaimie: I don’t know what that means ? Master of the Elder Wand? Don’t hit me, Robin.

Robin: Oh, please, do I need to explain the entire Deathly Hallows plot?

Jaimie: I need to re-read the book! I’ll come back to you on that.

J.B.: In Jaimie’s defense, the Hallows were a contrivance of the final book.

Robin: Oh totally.

By disarming Dumbledore in the climax, Draco took over official possession of Dumbledore’s wand, which happened to be the Elder Wand, one of the Deathly Hallows.

Jaimie: Oh, right. But if I remember correctly, he still got the short end, when the story finishes.

J.B.: If you recall back when Chris Columbus was on this project, all of the marketing was about the Harry/Draco conflict. But that never bore out in the books or films.

Robin: I think Chris Columbus was a Harry/Draco shipper. Much like the young ladies sitting behind us in the theater last night.

Jaimie: Which one of you better remembers the correct ending of the Half-Blood Prince book?

Robin: The correct (and superior) ending: While Harry and Dumbledore are hanging out in the cave being all dramatic, Draco has engineered the vanishing cabinets to allow Death Eaters to enter the school. But, unlike in the movie, he does so for a reason: So that they can engage in battle with a select few students, with the presumable goal of killing all of them or something. So when Harry and Dumbledore return, this battle is going on, and immediately after Snape dispatches Dumbledore, Harry has to jump into the fray.

It involves vague threats made against all the female characters, who are defended by all the male characters. And then Bill Weasley, who does not exist in the movies, gets bitten by a werewolf and so develops a liking for raw meat.

The end.

Oh, also there’s a funeral and Ron strokes Hermione’s hair and for two years I thought that meant they were dating but it did not, in fact, mean anything at all. And Harry and Ginny reenact the ending of Spider-Man 2.

J.B.: If I can add a few things to the record . . . Harry is hiding under his Invisibility Cloak when Draco and the others confront Dumbledore. Dumbledore’s last act is to immobilize Harry so he can’t react. Snape kills Dumbledore. Harry chases him out and it’s a more dramatic reveal that Snape is the Half-Blood Prince.

Robin: Although less dramatic because sadly, the books do not have Alan Rickman.

J.B.: Then the funeral and Spider-Man 2 reenactment as Robin discussed. We see many faces from the prior books at the funeral.

Jaimie: I don’t understand why they didn’t have the big battle, which would have been great. Although, I guess the movie was long enough already.

Robin: I wish they’d had the battle, but yes, I was getting sleepy by then.

J.B.: They could have cut the wheat scene.

Robin: I thought the wheat scene was cool ? but it was just weird. They’ve never added a major scene like that to any of the other movies, I don’t think.

Jaimie: I thought the whole ending there was anti-climactic.

Robin: The thing is, it just didn’t make sense without the battle. Why have the Death Eaters show up? I bet it had to do with Helena Bonham Carter‘s contract.

J.B.: The Prince reveal was hollow.

Jaimie: I’m assuming that instead of the wedding then, they’ll open the next film with Dumbledore’s funeral.

J.B.: Oh, maybe. They’ll have the time.

Robin: I really don’t want to watch two whole movies about camping.

J.B.: Or a remake of Y Tu Mama Tambien.

Jaimie: It’ll be Return of the King all over again, eh Mr. Frodo?

J.B.: We need to see Dumbledore buried with the Elder Wand.

Robin: Well, much was made of the wand in this movie so presumably they’re going somewhere with that.

J.B.: I’m curious what you thought about the Half-Blood Prince mystery. It was mostly irrelevant, no?

Robin: Yes, even more so than in the book. We got no sense of the HBP’s character at all here.

J.B.: Well in the book, Harry grew very attached to this mystery character and kindred spirit, which made the reveal (Snape) so much more dramatic.

Jaimie: Because he thought it was one of his parents. His mother, right? See, I remember stuff.

Robin: I had forgotten that. I am ashamed.

But can we please talk about Rupert Grint‘s hair for a sec? I think Rupert Grint is not as ugly as they want us to think he is. The problem is it really looks like Hermione is slumming it

J.B.: Indeed. From the publicity shots I’ve seen, I think they make him paler than he really is, which isn’t flattering.

Robin: Even when he doesn’t have swine flu.

J.B.: But I suppose it’s supposed to be cute that Hermione prefers him over the McHottie guy.

Robin: Who by the way was not hot at all in the books. I’m not necessarily complaining about that change but it was notable. It just made Hermione look like a weirdo that she preferred Ron over him. Especially when Harry is right there.

J.B.: He should have played Cedric, though. That’s how I pictured that character.

Robin: Oh, but Cedric has gone on to much better fandom love.

Jaimie: Cedric was definitely cuter.

J.B.: I suppose you also like him in Twilight.

Robin: I have many conflicting feels about Twilight. Unlike Jaimie who I believe loathes everything about it.

J.B.: In any case, actually, most women date down so the Hermione/Ron is not surprising.

Robin: Yeah, okay.

J.B.: No, it’s true. Most women are more attractive than their male companions.

Robin: Only because there are more attractive women in the world than men.

Jaimie: I think Cedric is good-looking in Twilight, but yes . . . I think it’s safer to avoid that Twilight discussion for now.

J.B.: Seriously, though, he’s really more attractive than the new guy?

Robin: I think so. But Robert Pattinson is a different kind of attractive. He’s on the quirkier side, which I like. (See: Dominic Monaghan.)

J.B.: Of the hobbits, he is the most attractive, true, but what’s that saying?

Robin: You think he’s more attractive than Elijah Wood? Really?

J.B.: Yes! I think Sean Astin is more attractive than Elijah Wood.

Robin: Jaimie, we haven’t discussed the hobbits before, do you have one you like?

Jaimie: I used to like Merry, but then he became a little too wimpish. I don’t think I have a favorite hobbit. Elijah’s got beautiful eyes, though.

Robin: At what point did Merry (aka Dom) become too wimpish for you? I have to stand up for his honor here.

J.B.: When he sang that song while Denethor stabbed at tomatoes.

Jaimie: Wait, not Merry. Who was the other one? The one who sings?

Robin: That was not Dom.

J.B.: Merry.

Robin: Hello. That was Billy Boyd. Pippin.

J.B.: Pippin, right.

Jaimie: Yes! Pippin, I meant, he was my favorite.

J.B.: When was Merry wimpy?

Jaimie: Pippin was wimpy. I got them confused.

Robin: You two are hopeless.

J.B.: Boy, we really get off on tangents, I feel bad for the audience.

Robin: Oh they love us.

J.B.: Can we discuss Jim Broadbent?

Robin: Speaking of attractive men.

J.B.: Can you believe they added that love scene between Slughorn and Dumbledore?

Robin: . . . did I miss that?

J.B.: He poked him with his “Elder Wand.” Subtext. You know people are talking about that already. Maybe on the H.M.S. Pumpkin Pie.

Robin: Wow. You really just made that reference, didn’t you.

J.B.: Of course I did!

Jaimie: Good night, everybody!

I thought Broadbent was fantastic.

Robin: Yes, agreed. Not how I envisioned Slughorn ? probably better than I envisioned him.

Jaimie: Definitely better ? I disliked him in the book, but he was entertaining here. Whoever does the casting on the teachers deserves an Oscar.

J.B.: Broadbent gave a more convincing portrayal. The book version was too much.

Robin: Oh, I thought he was very interesting in the book. Not the kind of character you see a lot of, at least not in my reading. I like that the teachers, especially in the later books, are extremely three-dimensional.

J.B.: He was interesting but overdone.

And I think I’m on record as saying that only Alan Rickman could have portrayed Snape as well as he does.

Robin: Snape is a more interesting character because of Alan Rickman

J.B.: I was saying earlier today that they should make a separate film to show “The Prince’s Tale” and have him play all ages of Snape.

Robin: All the viewers would be 40-year-old soccer moms. Wearing Alan Rickman wigs.

J.B.: I’m not 40!

Robin: Well, all the viewers except us.

But as long as we’re talking about actors I feel the need to bring up Bonnie Wright.

Jaimie: How do we feel about Bonnie Wright?

Robin: We feel negatively.

Jaimie: Oh, that’s too bad. I was rooting for her.

J.B.: I’m unsure.

Robin: Well, no, we like her because she is cute but feel negatively about her acting ability.

Jaimie: See, here’s what I think. I think she’s suffering from the problem of a character written one-dimensionally. She reminds me of early Hermione and Ron.

Robin: I like Ginny. There is much potential in Ginny, but I don’t think Bonnie has the chops, at least not yet, to explore it. Unfortunately for her, Ginny has about two lines in Deathly Hallows so her chance is now blown.

Jaimie: There’s potential in Ginny in the book ? they haven’t done much with her in the movies though. She only had about five lines in this movie too, if you think about it.

Robin: She smiles a lot and has very shiny hair. And she’s in like 75 percent of the scenes, although she was very last in the credits.

Jaimie: So in the grand scheme of all the movies, how does this one rate?

Robin: Phoenix: 1. Azkaban: 2. Prince: 3. Goblet: 4. Sorcerer’s Stone: 5. Chamber: 6.

I think. I really need to see it again.

Jaimie: I agree, Robin. Except I’m not sure where I’d put Phoenix. I’m still disappointed with that one.

J.B.: What kind of enumeration method is that?!?

Robin: Do you disagree or is my system cryptic?

J.B.: Cryptic. The numbers go first.

Robin: Whatever, Jaimie understood. Jaimie, you are the only person in the world who didn’t like the Phoenix movie.

Jaimie: I didn’t dislike it. I just loved the book, so the stuff they got wrong bothers me.

I’ll get over it, one day.

Robin: You are also the only person in the world who loved that book. Not that I’m judging, I’m just trying to make you feel isolated.

J.B.: That’s true, Jaimie. No one liked that book but you.

I think I’d put Azkaban first, and I can’t decide if Prince or Phoenix is better, and I I’d agree with the rest of your ordering, Robin (but with numbers first).

Jaimie: I am what they call an iconoclast. One day, I’ll be recognized for my uniqueness. Obviously, not today though.

J.B.: Is that Greek for “crazy lady”?

Robin: You are the Luna Lovegood of the HP fandom.

J.B.: Only without the fun hat.

Jaimie: That was a great hat.

J.B.: It should have roared.

Robin: Speaking of which I love Luna and everything about her and she was amazing in this movie. And her dress for the party looked like a Christian Siriano original.

J.B.: Are you saying that lion was (wait for it) fierce?

Robin: It would’ve been fiercer had it roared. Oh, I crack me up.

Jaimie: I think that’s our cue. Any final thoughts?

Robin: Parents, be warned: HBP has a lot of sexual innuendo for a PG movie.

Jaimie: I’ll add I thought that this was the most tightly woven story of any of the movies, and except for the ending, exceptionally well-condensed and well-told.

J.B.: What was your ranking Jaimie?

Jaimie: Same as Robin’s, numbers second, with Phoenix TBD. Thanks for paying attention to me.

Robin: I like the way I had my numbers. And I had seen where Jaimie said that up above because I pay attention to Jaimie.

Jaimie: Final thoughts, J.B.?

J.B.: Yes. As with all of these films, if you love the books, you’ll enjoy the film. I still don’t think these films can stand apart from the books, with the exception of PoA, which is why I think that was still the best. But this film was 85 percent great for me ? little too long and they shouldn’t have dumbed down the ending. Otherwise, I really loved the rest.

Jaimie: I agree with that.

Robin: I agree with the 85 percent part. I actually do think the emphasis on the romance hurt the movie, and I say that as someone whose favorite parts of the books are the romance scenes.

J.B.: Oh and I’m over the phenom known as Helena Bonham Carter.

Jaimie: Don’t tell Tim Burton.

Robin: I am still into the phenom that is Bellatrix Black so I can forgive some hair-waving scenery-chewing.

Jaimie: Alice in Wonderland, 2010!

Robin: Seriously???

Jaimie: Oh yeah.

J.B.: Oh boy, here we go!

Robin: I will look it up in my own time thank you. And with that, shall we wrap this up?

J.B.: Sure. A quick plug, though: On the next J Factor, Jaimie and I will relive this conversation about Harry Potter and talk about Robin behind her back. It should be exciting!

Robin: You’re totally going to make fun of my numbering system aren’t you?

J.B.: Too easy.

Jaimie: I’ll defend you, Robin.

J.B.: Good night!