I Love You, Beth Cooper: Worst movie of 2009
July 13, 2009 by J.B. Perlow
Filed under Movies
If the dozen or so people in my Saturday night, opening weekend showing is any indication, I Love You, Beth Cooper will be out of most respectable theatres in two weeks because I think two people walked out, six people were college kids glad to be away from their parents for the night, three people were drunk, and the rest of us write for Poptimal.com. (And there aren’t enough Poptimal.com writers to fill another audience, regardless of sobriety.) Regrettably, I was not one of the drunk ones or one of the people who left early. And here’s why: But for my not walking out of College, I would have walked out of this movie, except that this movie was not as bad. It is all relative, I guess. But make no mistake, this movie was awful and, after the first 15 minutes, quickly devolved into the longest 102 minutes of my life. Do not go see this movie. Do not rent it. Do not talk about it with your enemies. Do not watch it when it makes it to cable. No, nyet, non, nein, nah!
Still, the review must go on . . .
We open with high school valedictorian Denis Cooverman addressing his class by talking about the things 
everyone longs to say but cannot. He does this by professing his love for head cheerleader Beth Cooper. The opening was a good sketch and should have stayed a sketch because it could not carry the rest of the movie. From there we see Denis and his best friend, Rich the homosexual, spend a crazy night with Beth Cooper and her two slutty friends. The adventures begin with Denis’s father, played by Alan Ruck (who I know from seeing his stage, screen, and television work that he can do better than this garbage), telling Denis about condom use. With the parents gone, things quickly spin out of control when Beth’s soldier boyfriend goes on a coke bender and trashes Denis’s house. (Great way to portray our soldiers, jerks!) Now, I wasn’t class valedictorian but even I know that you should call the police when someone breaks in and throws a microwave at your head. But not Denis. How wacky! How irreverent! How sophomoric! Instead the Denis and Beth comedy tour drive all over the place and discover their real selves. Or something, I don’t know, I was doing a crossword puzzle.
And to make matters worse, Chris Columbus directed this production. Yes, that Chris Columbus, who directed one of my favorite movies–Mrs. Doubtfire–and the 1980s classic Adventures in Babysitting that launched the era Elisabeth Shue movies. Oh how the mighty have fallen! (And I’m counting his two Harry Potter tragedies as well.) But, in his defense, you can only do so much with an Swiss cheese-like storyline and actors that can’t carry their lines. Snap!
One final objecting point. I know Bruno is all the rage this weekend since it’s a celebration of at least two-thirds of the triumvirate of groups of people you can still make stereotypical jokes about without the social scorn or awkwardness: gays, people with disabilities, and Southerners/country folk. So bring on the stupid gay jokes, I suppose, but in the character of Rich, there were few, if any laughs. They want to do the gay best friend trope (AGAIN!), fine, but did we need the pervasive cracks about his sexuality? No. Did we need his kitschy movie quoting? No. Did we need the threesome to see if he was really gay? No. None of these things create character depth. And aside from raising my blood pressure, I’ve now spent more time writing this review than I’m sure went into the script development. So with that, I’ll end with the haiku I wrote after I finished by crossword puzzle:
No love for Cooper
No story, no humor
Rent Can’t Hardly Wait
Definitely one of the worst movies I’ve seen! Wish I never saw it.
I actually wanted to watch this movie but since the reviews are not so good. I might just skip this one.
(Time Traveler’s Wife, San Francisco, CA)
Didn’t expect much so this movie turned out to be ok. Hayden needs to improve her acting.
(The Time Traveler’s Wife , Baltimore, MD)
Sure, this movie might have been a little cheesy and far-fetched, but I enjoyed watching it. That’s why it’s a movie – not real life. It’s for pure entertainment, so just enjoy watching it.
(The Time Traveler’s Wife, Boston, MA)
LOL, never caught my interest. Someone confirm is this a knock off or replica storyline of another movie. Are not they all?
(TIME TRAVELER’s WIFE , NY)
The previews never sparked any interest in me, so I’m not surprised with this stoy’s title: “Worst Movie of 2009.”
(The Time Traveler’s Wife – Edina, MN)
Okay, my boyfriend and I must be crazy, but we actually liked this movie and got quite a few laughs out of it. My vote for absolute worst movie of the year (if not my lifetime), is “The Collector.” (District 9, Novi, MI)
I think this movie is not the worst of 2009, but definitely not the best of 2009. In my opinion the worst movie has been Origins:Wolverine and the best has been Star Trek.
When you come into a movie like BEth Cooper, you kind of already know what to expect. I came in with low expectation and left the theater pleasantly surprised. It had its funny moments and sexy as well. But to call this the worst movie of 2009 is a big exaggeration in my opinion. (Time Traveler’s Wife, New York, New York)
I actually read the book and saw the movie(free screening – I never would have paid to see this). Neither were any great shakes. Maybe if I was 15 I’d think differently…the Fast Times at Ridgemont High/Say Anything for the next generation.
(The Time Traveler’s Wife, Atlanta, GA)
I thought this movie was pretty bad for the most part. The only reason I allowed myself to see it is because I like Hayden and I wanted to see how she did in a movie since her Remember the Titans days. (Time Traveler’s Wife, Atlanta, GA)
What a shame because I really like Hayden on Heroes!
(The Time Travellers Wife, Baltimore)
definitely a bad film … made worse by the tranparent efforts to try to be the new Ferris Bueller/Sixteen Candles/etcetc. (TIME TRAVELERS WIFE, WASHINGTON DC)
I really liked it and anticipated enjoying it as much as I did. (The Time Traveler’s Wife, Boston, MA)
I would seriously rather read the book, then watch the movie, even if I love Hayden, it’s not enough for me to go see it.
(The Time Traveler’s Wife, San Francisco, CA)
this movie didn’t seem at all interesting to me, even though i didnt see it! its just one of those cliche movies i would not want to waste my money on. thanks for the review! (Time travelers wife, San francisco)
I would rather read the book instead of watch the movie. (The Time Traveler’s Wife, New York, NY)
I was glad that I didn’t have to pay to see this movie (went to a free screening). It started off on a decent premise, but it went nowhere fast. (Time Traveler’s Wife – Atlanta, GA)
Okay guys, this movies isnt the worst movie of 2009 but it might just once of the worst this summer. I would have to say the worst movie i have seen this year is obsessed. I had a love hate feeling during this movie, the story just didnt work for me but i love the cheesy raunchy things that were in it. The whole im a cheerleader with the jock boyfriend and im going to leave him for the nerdy ugly teenage virgin didnt work for me has it doesnt in most of these cliche movies. So i would skip this and wait till its on dvd and watch it with the girl because she WILL drag you to see it.
(The Time Traveler’s Wife, La Jolla, CA)
I got free tickets and I didnt even go because I knew this movie was going to just suck on all levels — Hayden isnt that great of an actress in my opinion and a sort of trumped up lamer version of Can’t Hardly Wait and since I own that I will stick with it
(Time Traveler’s Wife, New York, NY)
Since I have not yet seen this movie, All I can say is THANKS. I wasn’t that sure if I was going to rent it because it looks like a typical teen movie. Now I know that I wont. Thank you for sacrificing yourself by watching this movie so people like me don’t waste their money.
(The Time Travelers Wife, La Jolla, CA)
This movie has got to be one of the worst in the decade. I usually like these corny teen movies but this one just really sucked. (Time Traveler’s Wife, San Francisco, CA)
Wait people actually brought tickets to this?! O no hayden! You couldn’t pay me to watch this lol
Time travelers wife-atlanta
True, it wasn’t the greatest of movies, but I might be slightly biased because I saw it for free when I went to the movie screening. The book is SO much better thought. Do not let your opinion of this very terrible movie dissuade you from reading the VERY hilarious book! (Time Traveler’s Wife, New York, New York)