Top Chef Masters: That’s What She Said…

This episode is called “Miniaturize Me,” and it’s about transforming food and shrinking it down. But really, there’s so many opportunities to go all Michael Scott here, that I simply can’t resist. So let’s begin!

Four new chefs! The Swedish chef, Nils Noren; the young gun, Lachlan Patterson; the smug TV personality Michael Chiarello; and the ADD chef, Rick Moonen.

Quickfire. Kelly steps out in a dress that looks like the result of a Project Runway challenge designed by someone who ended up in the bottom three. And I thought of that before I saw tonight’s special guests. The chefs must gourmet-atize different junk food dishes. The judges are junk food lovers Jeff Lewis and his Flipping Out co-stars.

Rick chooses a corn dog, and Nils picks fried shrimp. Michael reinvents fish sticks, talking about the junk food like he’s never seen any of it before. And I’m sorry, but you were a child and teenager before you were a chef, so don’t pretend you’ve never seen mozzarella sticks. Lachlan chooses hot dogs and sees Michael as his biggest threat – they have similar cuisine backgrounds, but Michael has traveled more. Rick talks about his ADD, and how becoming a chef satisfied the chaos in his brain. Nils promotes the highly valued Swede quality of punctuality, while Rick overcomplicates his dish, and ultimately, runs out of time, appearing not even close to plating.

Lachlan’s  prosciutto stufado with pork sausage (me: what??), aka hot dog, has a great broth but undercooked meat. Michael serves swordfish meatballs, pleasing the crowd because they’re fried. Jeff’s assistant describes them: “There’s three perfect balls, and I really like the color.” Paging Michael Scott! Nils presents poached shrimp with corn and tomatoes. Jeff’s team would rather the shrimp had been fried, and essentially, finds the dish far too healthy. And of course, Rick fails to serve a dish, eliciting a “Didn’t he have 45 minutes???” from Jeff Lewis with such disgust, you kind of want to smack him. I did, anyway.

Lachlan and Nils earn 3 stars, Michael 4 ½ stars, and Rick walks away with zero. Michael feels good about being “point-plus” ahead of everyone else, because he “came here to win.” Using a phrase like that makes Michael about as interesting as a houseguest on Big Brother. Look, of course you came here to win. If you enter a competition with no intention of winning, why are you there? I’m beating him up already because I’m rewatching this episode, and I was only suspecting at this point, the first time around, that Michael was kind of unlikable. The second time…yeah, he just is.

Elimination Challenge. Create a three course meal – miniaturized, natch – for 100 guests at a Top Chef fan-filled cocktail party. Each hors d’oeuvre should be based on an appetizer, entree, and dessert.

Shopping and prep. Nils decides to Swede-ify his food, using salmon for his entrée. He makes diced scallop, slow cooked salmon, and chocolate & goat cheese ganache (ew, right?), with a smoked tea whipped cream. Because Swedes like smoked tastes.

Michael likes to have “snap” in his dishes, to set him apart, you know. His menu includes a shaved brussel sprouts salad, spicy prawns, and balsamic marinated strawberries with basil and goat milk gelato. Rick declares he’s not going down without a fight, and creates a “slightly ambitious” menu. He makes an opakapaka ceviche, brandade of scallop and shrimp, and preserved lemon custard. Lachlan decides on a pineapple and speck fritta, grilled beef short ribs, and strawberry frangipane tarts.

Service. Critics: Gael, Oseland, and the return of Jay Rayner. The Top Chef fans roll in, including Sweet P and Jerell, the latter in an outfit, for once, that makes sense. Which just goes to prove that his outrageous clothing choices were because he was looking for a little extra attention. Then again, he was on a reality show, so I’m being redundant.

Michael immediately starts flirting with the female diners, and even before I didn’t like him, I found his manner a little sleazy. I’m hoping it’s habit from all the television shows he hosts. Or something. Running behind on his dessert, he suaves his way into convincing a few of the ladies to help him prep. They do, so he must be good at being cute. Or something.

Michael’s salad would be good at a seated dinner – for some reason, it doesn’t translate to a standing cocktail party. His spicy prawns offend Gael because of the necessity for a knife, and the other critics find the prawns too oily. Gael doesn’t like lawn cuttings in her dessert, but Jay says that though it shouldn’t work, it does.

Lachlan’s pineapple fritta loses taste because of the frying. Lachlan’s entrée should have been his appetizer. The tart has a meat-like taste, which, as you can imagine, doesn’t work well with strawberries.

Rick’s ceviche causes a fan to say, “It’s heaven in my mouth.” The critics enjoy the flavors and the textures. The brandade is perfect, the sauce “is like a warm little finish afterwards.” The critics say that the panna cotta is “creamy and wonderful.” Jay clarifies that “a good panna cotta, if it’s set right, is meant to wobble like a woman’s breasts.” Oseland reluctantly agrees.

Nils’ appetizer scores for presentation and taste. His salmon impresses the critics for his visual aesthetic, and also because it is perfectly cooked. The smoked whipped cream of his dessert dooms him, however, as no one seems to like it. Sweet P says it was too smart for her. I don’t think anyone’s surprised, since Tim Gunn isn’t here to improve Sweet P’s palate. Look, I liked her, but she couldn’t think for herself during the run of her season. I’d rather listen to Jerell.

Critics Table. Let’s go right to the scoring, since we don’t learn anything new over deliberation. Lachlan bottoms out with 15 ½ stars, and Rick and Nils tie at 17. Quite a comeback for Rick, who entered the Elimination Challenge with zero stars. He takes pride in having the highest audience score, but even that can’t beat Michael’s 19 ½ stars. Basically, had Rick scored at least 2 ½ stars during the Quickfire, he’d have won. That’s a shame, because Michael’s a little too insufferable. But he does win money for his charity, and that’s what this is all about, after all. As if!

Next week: The snark comes out! From the chefs, not from me.

For another opinion on this episode, check out For Fans Only by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: Miniaturize Me (originally aired July 15, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Hot ‘n’ Heavy at Hogwarts

Top Chef Masters: For Fans Only

Since last week was an entertaining and interesting episode, I can only expect to be disappointed this week.  But first, our new chefs and their charities: Rick Moonen of Rick Moonen’s Seafood et al. (Cape Cod Commercial Hook Fisherman’s Association); Nils Noren of The French Culinary Institute (Friends of The French Culinary Institute); Lachlan Patterson of Frasca Food and Wine (The Children’s Hospital); and Michael Chiarello of Bottega (Clinic Ole).

Quickfire.  Kelly (with a Klimt painting on her dress) tells them to turn a classic junk food item into an item of fine dining.  The judges are crazy man Jeff Lewis and his lackeys from Bravo’s Flipping Out . . . because they eat junk food on the show.  What’s next?  Create cocktails for the Real Housewives of New York?!?  Lame!  Anyway, Rick doesn’t finish his dish and so he’s probably not going to do well.  Between Lachlan (hot dog), Michael (fish sticks), and Nils (fried shrimp), the judges like.  Please note that Jeff giggled when someone said she liked Michael’s “balls” (in accurately describing his dish of fish balls).  Michael and his balls win!

Elimination Challenge.  Cook a three-course meal for 100 people.  The event is a party for Top Chef’s “biggest fans.” (No, I wasn’t invited.)  And once you finish laughing at that concept, note that it’s not a three-course meal but three types of hors d’oeuvres.  At the Whole Foods, we see the chefs are going to do a dessert for their third course . . . take note, regular Top Chef contestants, you need to be able to do desserts.

Service.  We begin with Michael saying, “If I had a smile like yours, I wouldn’t have to cook for a living.”  I’ll need to remember that one.  Sweet P from Project Runway 4 is apparently one of Top Chef’s biggest fans, who knew?  I believe I see Jerell (Project Runway 5) in the background as well.  So it’s not all Top Chef fans, but also people from other Bravo shows?  Ok, I’m not bitter.  But Gael doesn’t like lawn cuttings in Michael’s ice cream and Jay compares proper panna cotta to breasts.  Well, that would have been good to know during the fetish dessert party challenge of Season One.

Critics’ Table.  First things first, Gael’s hat isn’t offending me this week.  Second, I wish Gail Simmons (or someone who’s not afraid to be critical to the chef’s faces) were back on the panel this week.  Anyway, no one giggled when Lachlan said he “boned out” his meat but I guess this panel is more mature than the earlier crowd.  The back and forth is uninteresting because these guys never say anything really critical until the chefs aren’t in the room; I guess they were raised right–only speak ill of people behind their backs.  And to be fair, the panel isn’t that bad but it’s a trend I’ve noticed in every week except when Gail told it like it is.

During the commercial, we see an outtake where Rick’s blender burps up in his face.  It looked better in the preview.  When we return, Rick beats Lachlan even though Rick received no points for the first round.  But it’s not enough to win, as Michael gets the highest score, with Nils tying with Rick.  Of note, Rick probably would have beaten Michael if he had served anything in the Quickfire, and he ends by saying he got the highest score from the people, kind of like the People’s Choice Awards, which we all know means the most because it’s from the people.

Next week: We fill our last spot for the six semi-finalists.

For another opinion on this episode, check out That’s What She Said… by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: Miniaturize Me (originally aired July 15, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

So You Think You Can Dance: The Top 10

I’m baaaaack! And I’ve finally been given all the power. Okay, well maybe not all the power, but we’ve gotten to the SYTYCD point where the judges sit back and allow the viewers to choose which guy and girl will go home each week. (No matter how much they may disagree.) It’s the Top 10 already! Why does the best season always seem to be the shortest.

We’ve got the esteemed Debbie Allen judging. Everyone gets to dance a solo. The couples have been broken up, and everyone’s picking from the hat, not only for the dance but for their partner as well.

So now that things have been shaken up, let’s get down to it.

First, the Top 5 Girls perform as Nakul Dev Mahajan’s Bollywood Bombshells. I’m in awe of how beautiful the costumes are and the intricacies of the foot and hand movements. I never feel very apt to judge dance that I know very little about, especially ones that I won’t attempt for fear of embarrassment. But they must have done well because none of the judges can point out any flaws in the dance or any of the dancers.

Kayla and Evan are the first pair to mix it up, and they also happen to be the tallest girl and shortest guy in the competition. Tackling the Viennese Waltz with Tony and Melanie, the difference is so big between them that they opt for no shoes at all for Kayla and little man heels for Evan. I think they dance it well, but for the Top 10, it needed to be a lot smoother. I give them props for both their expressiveness though.

Nigel jumps right into the technicalities of the waltz (snooze), but he says, they dance it well. He also thought Evan was strong and Kayla’s lines were great. This is Mary’s field though so I believe her when she says that Evan’s glides were off and his turns weren’t strong enough, but his lifts were effortless. She still believes Kayla can’t disappoint and that the girl is growing. And for Debbie, man, she’s so existential when it comes to dance that she needs translation. Evan “handled his big woman,” while Kayla is “white lightning!”

Final Say: These two aren’t going anywhere.

Janette and Ade end up being the tallest guy and shortest girl pair! Is this thing rigged to try and make things as awkward as possible? But I don’t have time to ponder because it’s hip hop time with Tabitha and Napoleon. My favorite next to contemporary with Mia. Unfortunately, I’m a little so-so on this dance. I love the idea of Ade hypnotizing the less funky Janette and enticing her to get down with her bad self. And, overall, the choreography was cute and fun, but I don’t think Ade was as funky as everyone seemed to think he’d be, and I saw a little bit of Janette’s “dance” weakness for the first time.

Nigel thinks it was danced well, but he can’t even focus on the critique because he’s been funk-mesmerized.  I stopped listening when he got a little goofy trying to imitate Ade’s enchanting pick by putting two pencils in his hair. Mary thought it was pure entertainment. Debbie was worn out. “It was mesmerizing.” I think we got that, Debbie!

Final Say: I wouldn’t be surprised if either of these two were in the bottom.

Jeanine and Jason are lucky because they’re the first to be choreographed by Travis Wall, 2nd season contemporary runner-up and new inductee into the SYTYCD choreographer farm. The two are so in sync and connected; it’s beautiful and engulfing at the same time. And I want to cry. Seriously. Very few dances this season have made me want to cry, and this is one of them. (Sidenote:  Kupono and Kayla first dance last week was also one of those.) And hello! Did anyone else notice that there’s a lot more making out on stage this season? This is one freaky bunch of dancers.

By the time they’re done, the judges are on their feet with applause. Nigel thought they both were fabulous, and says it right when he said this is the first time she’s had a partner who could keep up with her technically. Mary is so speechless and so dizzy from the dance she could pass out. And the fact that Travis has grown so much since the show that he could come back and produce this almost brings her to tears. Debbie says this wasn’t a dance but a “conversation,” an “evangelizing dance” and that she’s “thrilled to be a witness.”

Final Say: No way, Jose! They’re here to stay.

Randi and Kupono dance a Tony and Meredith Paso Doble. One, Randi’s wearing a wig! I guess she figured people may not recognize her if it was danced poorly. And the way the dance went down, that may have been a great idea. All in all, I think it was rushed. Kupono didn’t control enough, and Randi didn’t give herself over enough. So just putting on some angry faces and switching it with some sultry ones just isn’t enough.

Nigel thinks there was some good choreography, but Kupono wasn’t strong enough. And Nigel didn’t like the wig and thought the chemistry wasn’t there. Mary doesn’t believe in the wig either, or the dancing or chemistry. She says they were too cautious with only a “slight, intense animation” on their faces. Debbie says there was awkwardness. Needed more time that they didn’t have. And didn’t feel like they trusted each other.

Final Say: Sorry guys, could be gonersville for you two.

Brandon and Melissa get Broadway with Tyce. Time to get their show on. It’s based on the musical “Hair.” You know the one that recently came back and is still as neato as ever. I think Melissa’s looks were made for the ’60s, and she’s absolutely beautiful in that far out costume. And from the get go they do a crazy, hard lift, and I’m feeling the groove. It’s hard to pick who to look at they’re both so good, but in terms of strength and smoothness, Brandon really stole my eyes away.

Nigel likes that Tyce used both Melissa’s ballet style and Brandon’s gymnastics beautifully. And Mary thinks it was unbelievable. “It was just groovy baby!” Debbie says they “evoke the real harmony.” Both were powerful and technical but different and “together it was seamless.”

Final Say: These two don’t need to stage a sit in. They’re nowhere near the bottom.

Now you know that one couples dance each could not fill up two hours! So we also got to see each contestant perform a solo. It’s especially useful since couples are not voted into the bottom and sent home, but solo contestants.

SOLOS

Brandon – There’s a lot of lashing out and tossing around. Any of his jumps in the air always astonish me and remind me how crazy powerful he is, but I want more emotional dancing.

Randi - She’s built like a gymnast to me which is fine, of course. I’m just always taken aback by how beautiful and graceful she is. She may look like a gymnast but she dances like a little angel. This solo, though, she seems so excited that her moves are a little sloppy, like she’s tossing herself around a little too hard.

Kupono – He always brings something unique and different. His solo seemed inspired by a gorilla since he was dancing like a monkey, and it definitely got me intrigued.  He also was less feminine, but I don’t think he showed off enough.

Melissa – First of all, she’s the best ballerina on the show ever! I could watch her over and over again, much like how I could watch Center Stage 10 times in one day, but you know that ballet doesn’t really bring you very far in this competition, no matter how good you are.

Evan – Debbie complimented him earlier when he said he reminded her of Gene Kelly, and he definitely channeled that tonight. He was cute and smooth and athletic. Good style, good stuff.

Kayla – Wow! That’s what they mean when they say a girl’s got legs for days. The judges are totally right that this girl can’t go wrong. She’s beautiful and graceful and captivating.

Ade – There’s no question that he’s crazy powerful, and has this strong, manly presence. He surprised me as someone I didn’t think I’d like of all the boys, but I actually do. Not just a little, but a lot. He wasn’t my favorite of the night, but I’d be sad if he left.

Jeanine - She’s usually such a ball of quirky, sweet fun, but I’m finally really seeing how much she’s grown as a dancer. Her technique is better, and her choices are better. She’s also bringing out her sexy, sassy side more.

Jason – Anyone who can dance to some bluesy Muddy Waters has my attention. It was different, though not tricky or overtly exciting. He needs to step it up, but it’s clear that he has the skills to.

Janette – Ms. Saucy, Sexy, Smooth. It’s hard to do ballroom on your own, but if you look that good doing it, I wouldn’t be scared.

Just like the show started, it closed with the Top 5 Guys performing a Jeffrey Page African Dance. And as he says, “This is not Hollywood African.” It’s all about the rhythm which the boys definitely didn’t have in rehearsal. And you don’t really get to see until they perform it, but it’s really fast. And it looks oh so tiring. Unlike the girls, not everyone is ON at the same time, but that’s to be expected when they just dropped five pound each by the end of it.

Nigel doesn’t hide that he loves him some African dance, and that routine was one of the toughest ever on the show. Mary thought there was so much energy, and Debbie points out that African dance is the “mother of all dance.” And it was “pure and authentic.”

On another sidenote, Nigel brings up again how much he hates the Russian Folk style. I wasn’t here to review it, but it was pretty bad. (It did Philip in!) But come on! They can’t change their cultural style. Either way, I don’t think they’re ever coming back, and they probably hate Nigel now as much as he hates Russian Folk.

THE RESULTS

This seemed like the shortest results show ever. Where was the cultural dance?! I thought they would make that a staple. And where’s Nigel?! I’ve never seen a missing judge. But apparently he was getting some honorary Ph.D. in England, which was WAAAY more important than SYTYCD. I can’t wait until I contribute so much to society that I don’t have to study for years and years or pay 10s of thousands of dollars to get a degree.

Oh, they also choose to lengthen the show by allowing the bottom four dancers to perform their solos one more time before they’re kicked off. I wish it was a different solo, but it’s the same one they practiced all week, so there’s nothing more to say about that.

The Black Eyed Peas are the best part of the show, performing their new song “I Gotta Feelin’,” and getting me all PUMPED. And I’m glad they did that because then some had to get kicked off, and it’s better to be up before you get down.

So not many surprises are in store. Randi, Kupono, Ade and Melissa are in the bottom. Though in terms of dance, I would have traded Janette for Melissa. Not that I would have wanted either to go home, but based on last night, I think Melissa didn’t deserve it, and Janette was a better candidate.

In the end, Randi and Kupono are the ones to go home. I think both of them are great dancers, but they didn’t grow enough where others dancers have grown leaps and bounds and are still going.

Summer’s going too fast, and we’re already down to the Top 8! Until next week…

For another take on this episode, check out Awww by Robin Reed.

Season 5, Episodes 16&17: Top 10 (originally aired July 15&16, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

So You Think You Can Dance: Awww

We’re down to our top 10. That means the partners are split up, and we’re voting for individuals. Which makes me sad. I liked that the show pinned people to each other and forced them to make it work. By splitting them up, it feels like just any other reality show now. But I’ll give it a shot.

Performance night. Cat’s wearing a very pretty green strapless dress.

Intro dances. Janette is wearing one of my favorite outfits from high school. Jeanine does ballet poses in pajamas. Brandon does his best impression of Evan. Evan isn’t even bothering to distinguish himself anymore. Jason, on the other hand, is giving it all he’s got. Kupono looks better than I remember him looking, or maybe I have just started liking Kupono for some reason. (I mean, I never disliked Kupono. But I think that addiction routine made a subconscious impression on me. Grrr Mia Michaels.)

Tonight’s guest judge is Debbie Allen.  Woo hoo, someone I respect!

Cat explains that the new partnerships will be randomly drawn from hats, and indicates that the first sets of partners were matched by the judges, at least physically (so that explains the Randi/Evan pairing, and probably some of the more obvious pairings of superior dancers, like Brandon and Janette). I’m still waiting for them to say how many times everyone’s dancing tonight. Are they doing two partner dances with different partners? Are they dancing once with a partner and once individually? There are probably still too many contestants for the latter. The former would be more fun anyway. Ah, okay, now Cat is explaining that indeed everyone will be dancing a solo. Are they going to do it 30-seconds-of-shame style? Because that’s one of my least favorite things about this show, and I don’t want it trickling over into performance night, which is mostly fun to watch.

Oh, okay, for some reason the five women are doing a routine together first. It’s Bollywood, choreographed by Nakul Dev Mahajan. Well, it’ll be fun to see them dancing in smaller groups anyway, even if I do resent the show giving us yet more gendered BS. I bet the guys will be doing hip-hop. Kayla, predictably, loves that the dance is “really girly.”

The other thing I still don’t know is whether we’re only eliminating one person tomorrow night or whether it will again be one man and one woman. I can’t tell whether the women are being particularly more competitive with each other than they would if the men were there too or not.

Everyone, of course, looks fantastic in their Bollywood costumes. With five of them it’s hard to really tell who’s better than whom. The dance is fun, but it’s not as cool as Jason and Caitlin’s was. There are, for example, no awesome handstands. But there is a lot of fist-pumping and hip-shimmying.

Man, Cat is a head taller than all five of these women.

Nigel says the women are all very pretty. Thanks for that, Mr. Judge. He can’t pinpoint a particular woman who was superior to the others, which seems like not that much of a compliment to me, because presumably Nigel is better than me at watching individual dancers in these group routines. Then he makes a train joke that he thinks is funny and compares the women to “hot spicy tandoori.” Mary is also excited, and once again compliments the show for introducing the world to Bollywood. She says she can envision any one of the women in the final, which is a stronger compliment than Nigel’s. Debbie calls the dance “an amazing cultural fusion” and says these are the best top 5 women in the show’s history.

Our first new pairing is Evan and Kayla. Kayla is apparently the tallest woman in the competition. Well, okay, but not by much. Still, though, I can understand why they’re concerned. Or why Kayla would be, anyway; Evan is bound to have expected this. But at least Kayla has the benefit of being paired with one of the two men who’ve never been voted into the bottom three, even when he probably deserved to be there.

They’re doing a Viennese waltz choreographed by Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin. Ouch. This dance is supposed to automatically lead to elimination, right? The dance is to “Kiss from a Rose” and Evan’s hair is hysterical. Kayla appears to be barefoot or something and looks precisely like you’d expect her to look – like the hot girl at the prom who knows exactly how hot she is. I think this song is doing a lot to make the dance more likeable than Viennese waltz normally would be. They’re both great, of course, although they don’t, obviously, have the chemistry Evan and Randi had after dancing together for five weeks. They do several very cool lifts. Kayla’s smile is so fake it bothers me. Evan is doing a good job of acting like he likes Kayla, and who knows, maybe he does. When they finish, they show us that in fact they did put heels on Evan’s shoes, and that Kayla has some sort of weird contraptions on her feet that involves her wearing shoes with no soles.

Nigel has problems with the choreography but addresses them to Evan and Kayla, who of course had no control over it. But he says they danced it well and that Evan was strong and supportive of Kayla’s beautiful lines. Mary is very into Seal, which does not surprise me at all. She says Evan was lacking power at some points. Mary has clearly been done with Evan for a while. She has more technical critique, but points out that Evan was good at the lifts. All the guys on this show are good at lifts. Well, except Phillip. Which is interesting, because I don’t remember them having to do lifts during the auditions or Vegas rounds, so how did they know that would happen? Maybe there is some behind-the-scenes lifting requirement. Because seriously, I would never have guessed that tiny, pasty little Evan would turn out to be strong enough to haul people around like he does. Anyway, then Mary moves to Kayla and only has praise, and explicitly states that she’s “much better” than Evan. Debbie says to Evan, “Darling, you handled your big woman, baby.” I suspect Kayla is already plotting Debbie’s death for referring to her as a “big woman.” Debbie also compliments the lifts, and notes that she’s loved Kayla since the first auditions but that she saw Evan as a “dark horse.” Hmm.

Next, our first solo: Brandon. I wonder if he’ll wear a Speedo. He does not. He does, however, dance really, really fast to a cover of “In Your Eyes” that I haven’t heard. Why is he going so fast? Does he just always do that? It looks very cool, but I like him better with partners. Okay, now it’s over, and it feels like that was indeed about 30 seconds, which explains the speed. I don’t understand the point of them making them do these little mini-solos. Is it just to mix things up, since we’ve been watching only partner dancing for five weeks? I would’ve been way happier just sticking with that. Wow, Cat is a head taller than Brandon too.

Our next pairing is Janette and Ade. Ooh, this should be good. Once again, Ade is the tallest man and Janette is the shortest woman. This is of course not as big a problem as it is with the genders reversed. Ade actually looks kind of happy to be apart from Melissa. Hmm, again.

They’re doing hip-hop, choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. Ade is supposed to be hypnotizing Janette into being funky. Okay. I am not much of a Tabitha/Napoleon fan. Oh, but wait, Ade gets to wear his pick in this! Apparently the whole dance is based around his pick! Oh, this is awesome. Janette is dressed up like a sexy librarian who is transformed into a funky hip-hop dancer via hypnosis by the pick. I am so happy the pick finally made it into a dance. Wow, Ade looks great. Hip-hop looks good on him. Of course, it also looks good on Janette, as does everything. I could do without him ripping off her clothes throughout the dance, but at least there is a little context for that in that they’re dancing to a Justin Timberlake song. Wow, Janette looks amazing. This is a great pairing. I wish they could stick together for the rest of the competition.

Nigel sticks a pencil in his hair to represent the pick and expresses his own desire to hypnotize and undress attractive young women. You know what, I will be really happy when his particular generation, of British men who think it’s okay to skeeve all over everyone because they have a lot of money, dies off. Nigel also liked the routine, which he notes was custom-designed for Ade and Janette, and then pretends to hit on Mary. She pretends to be bothered by this, or maybe she really is, it’s hard to tell with the Botox. Then she squeals that the dance was appropriately funky and entertaining. Debbie loved it and wanted to get up there with them. She tells Ade to stay away from her daughter. Heh. I know nothing about Debbie’s daughter but after that routine I suspect a lot of young ladies wouldn’t need to be hypnotized to want to get funky with Ade.

Our next solo is Randi. This is I believe our first time seeing Randi do a solo ever. She looks… I don’t know, I guess she’s good. People who do contemporary by themselves with no gymnastics always look kind of whatever to me. Randi has a bit of a meltdown when she goes to see Cat, but gets over it fast. Poor Randi. I think she just wants to go home, and not have to go out in front of all these people every week and have the whole country talking about her butt.

Next, Kupono solos. Ooh, this is cool. Love the jerky movements, and the song. When did I join the Kupono fandom? Last week, apparently. I’m not even mad at him for this half-shirt. (More like a 20% shirt actually). And he made the outfit himself, aww.

Cat tells us that indeed one man and one woman will be cut tomorrow. That seems unfair to the women, who even the judges agree all deserve to keep going. Why can’t they do it Idol-style, where they just eliminate whoever has the least votes and leave the gender out of it?

Our next pair is Jeanine and Jason. That seems like good potential for chemistry. Jeanine points out in her interview that Jason is hot. Methinks Phillip wasn’t really Jeanine’s type. They’re doing a contemporary routine choreographed by Travis Wall, who was on the show himself in season 2 and has never choreographed for it before. Hmm. Their story is that they’re friends who are hooking up for the first time. Man, can you imagine if Randi had been given this assignment?

The dance is… uh, I don’t get it. They, like, pretend to hit each other. And they jump around. And there are a lot of lifts. Lots of throwing each other around. And Jason doing some cool acrobatics. And some disturbingly sexual stuff. And then at the end they pretend to kiss but either they’re acting really well or they’re not pretending.

The judges give them a standing ovation. Okay, so I guess that means those aren’t that uncommon on this show, since it’s happened twice in the past two weeks. Nigel talks about how much he loves the choreography. I’m willing to accept that it looked good to someone who knows what they’re supposed to be looking for, but it didn’t work for me. Nigel says this is the first time Jeanine has had a partner who can keep up with her technically. That must make Jason feel a lot better, seeing as how he just barely made it into the top 10. Mary can’t talk because she’s too overwhelmed (and let’s note that Jason is still standing there with his shirt unbuttoned and his pecs flexing). She yells about how much she likes them and acts like it’s because of their performance that she’s high right now. Then she talks about how she wants to pinch Jason (literally, that’s what she says, this isn’t my usual hyperbole) and says Jeanine is a star. Then she calls even more attention to herself and screams silently. Wow, it must be nice to have a TV show on which it’s your job to act like a lunatic and have people pretend to love you for it. Debbie praises the choreography and says that the show is a conversation that is connecting a community of evangelizing dance, or something, and some other stuff. I’m getting tired. She says Jason/Jeanine is a magical pairing and points out that they managed to rip up Jeanine’s costume at some point. I think that, unlike with the Ade/Janette number, this was unintentional ripping.

Next, Melissa solos. Ooh fun, she’s the only one I always like on her own. She does her usual contemporaryish ballet stuff and looks like she’s having the time of her life. I’d have preferred it if she’d skipped the bike shorts though.

Then Evan solos. Oh lord. He does Broadway by himself wearing a white jacket. He makes faces and is playing a character even though he has no story to act in. Wow, I really really really prefer Evan when he’s dancing with a partner.

And then, Kayla. We’ve seen her do so many solos already that I feel bad for her that she keeps having to choreograph new ones. I’m sure she’s good though. You know, Jaimie was asking me yesterday why I don’t like Kayla, and I realized I really don’t know. She just irritates me on a personal level. I have no opinion either way about her dancing, or about most of the “contemporary” dancers for that matter, except when they’re dancing in other genres that I understand better. I didn’t like that the judges seemed to crown her and Phillip so early on, so that prejudiced me against her. But, all that said, she’s only 18 and I don’t want to be mean. Seriously.

Speaking of which, Fox is apparently letting its summer interns run the cameras on this show tonight. Please, stop with the shaky shots of the ceiling. Thank you.

Next, Randi is partnered with Kupono. They both act excited about this but I don’t see it working out well. They’re very different, and Randi has had the much less threatening Evan to work with for five weeks and has probably been spoiled. But we’ll see.

They’re doing the Paso Doble, choreographed by Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin. Randi is the cape and Kupono is the matador. It doesn’t seem to make Randi uncomfortable, which is nice. The dance itself is confusing at first because for a second I thought it wasn’t Randi – her hair just looks dramatically different than usual. Because she’s wearing a wig. Really? There was no way to make Randi’s shoulder-length hair look appropriate for the Paso Doble? Okay. She looks fantastic in her dress, though. Like a different person. Kupono is playing the part beautifully, and – wow, it looks like Kupono is actually, kind of, a better dancer than Randi. Or maybe his part is just more exciting? I’ll wait to see what the judges say. He’s definitely acting better than she is though. Hee, now I’m picturing Evan playing this role. Evan really isn’t very flexible genre-wise, is he? Then at the end I think Kupono drops her.

Nigel compliments the choreography and says the dancing wasn’t as good and is pretty harsh about it. He says Kupono didn’t come off as strong enough. He doesn’t like Randi’s wig, which I doubt was her idea. Mary says they didn’t take it to the next level and also didn’t like the wig. Randi, who has never gotten this kind of negative feedback before, looks about to cry. Kupono is used to it and is better able to deal. Mary does say Randi was better than Kupono. But then she adds, “Mediocre will not cut it,” and says the music was more powerful than the dancing. Wow. Debbie says Kupono and Randi were awkward and didn’t trust each other or work well together enough. I think that’s the harshest judges’ critique we’ve seen since the top 20 began. Poor Randi and Kupono. I like them both and don’t like to see them sad.

Next, Ade solos really fast and shirtlessly to “Unchained Melody,” which I don’t think was ever intended for super-fast shirtless dancing. Like Melissa, he looks like he’s having the time of his life. Is the shirtlessness at this point a ploy for the voters? Well, work it if you’ve got it I guess.

Jeanine solos next. I don’t know how to describe these solos when they’re just doing the same thing in different order than they’ve done before on multiple results shows. Except to note that I think this particular bikini does not really suit her.

Next, Jason has clearly worked really hard on his solo. I like that Jason is so obviously trying to go for it after having been on the bottom so many times. He’s got a whole character thing going on here. It’s like an actual performance, not like he’s trying to fit as many exciting moves as he possibly can into 30 seconds (see: Ade).

The last couple is Melissa and Brandon. Now, that particular pairing hardly seems fair to everyone else. They are, of course, psyched to be paired with each other, although Melissa is a tiny bit taller than Brandon. Man, Melissa is pretty.

They’re doing Broadway choreographed by Tyce to “Age of Aquarius” from Hair, which is a show that Melissa has never heard of before now. Shame on her. They have to be all over each other during the rehearsal on the very first day of their partnership, which they giggle about.

The dance begins, and they are in Hair-ish costumes and facial expressions. Naturally they are both going for these personae with all they’ve got, just like they always do, although I doubt they would’ve had time to rent the movie. I like the routine but I kind of don’t like that they randomly incorporate lifts and flips. I haven’t seen Hair on stage but lifts and flips don’t really seem to fit the concept. I know on this show it’s important that they allow the dancers to show off their skills but I’d kind of rather see more of them randomly throwing themselves against each other and hopping around in a drugged-out-looking way (which this dance also involves).

They continue to act drugged-out into the judging, which is funny. Nigel himself appears to be having an acid flashback. He does love it when they do those ’60s dances, doesn’t he. Nigel is amazed that Tyce has ever seen Hair. Then he points out that Hair was groundbreaking for having had interracial dancing, which is a better way of working in the fact that SYTYCD also has interracial dancing than when Mia tried to do a couple of weeks ago. Mary says their performance was unbelievable. Then she and Nigel start doing the “Sock it to me” thing which I guess was also from the ’60s but connecting it to Hair seems a bit of a stretch. Debbie says Melissa and Brandon were powerful, technical, and different.

Next, Janette does a solo. Hang on, I can’t take notes and watch this at the same time. Okay, back. Wow, that was awesome. Can Janette do a three-minute solo next week? I’m sure she’s used to partner dancing, but she looks wonderful by herself, and anyway there’s no salsa dancer left on the show for her to dance with. I really wish we’d gotten to see her dance with Max at least once.

And finally, the five men do a group dance. I was wrong, it’s not hip-hop, it’s African dance choreographed by Jeffrey Page. He’s “reaching for a dance that shows off masculinity.” Oh, for God’s sake. All of the guys find this very challenging. Evan says it’s awkward: “You may not have noticed, but I am not African.” Man, every time I want to stop liking Evan he goes and says something like that. The dance is supposed to be about what they do when they see a hot girl, or something. Uh… again, I get that we live in a heteronormative society and all in which these sorts of dances are expected, and I don’t want to make assumptions, but I strongly suspect that this is not an applicable situation to most of these guys, and I wish the show wouldn’t force it on them. But, of course, they give it their all in any case, and since I’ve inadvertently paused the DVR on a shot of Evan’s pit stain I’m going to stop complaining and get on with things.

The dance begins, and I pause the DVR to note that they’re all shirtless and in African-style pant/skirt combos, and that the shirtlessness is a new look only for poor pasty Evan, and when I hit pause it happens to be on a shot of shirtless Evan and shirtless Brandon doing a very severe chest-bump, and oh my lord I don’t know if I can watch much more of this. Anyway, when I start it up again they’re all really good, and it’s easier than it was in the women’s Bollywood dance to pick out the individuals who are especially good. I’m going to go with Ade, followed by a Brandon/Kupono tie. Actually I think Kupono is doing a completely different dance than the rest of them, but I like it better than what the rest of them are doing, for whatever that says about me and my feelings on African dance. Poor Evan just looks very, very out of his element. Jason is in fantastic shape. Man, that looked exhausting.

Cat stands in the middle of the guys and says, “We look like we could be in some fabulous band or something,” which is funny and true. Nigel says everyone knows he loves African dance. Is that why we’ve had three Bollywood performances this season and only one African dance? He says it was a very challenging routine. Then he says Evan looked like a dancing milkshake. Ouch. But he says they were all good, and that no one stood out as bad (which is very different from what he told the women, which was that he couldn’t decide which he liked best). Mary loves the costumes, predictably. She would probably have shortened the pant/skirt things by a few feet though. She also points out that this is not Evan’s genre and forces us to see a close-up of Evan sticking out his stomach. Ew. Debbie plugs the show’s awesomeness for showing African dance and praises the choreography and compliments the guys for passing her test. Whatever, I’m kind of not into Debbie after all. Bring back Adam Shankman.

Results night. Cat is wearing another spacesuit, and I don’t like it as much as her last one.

Group dance. Very dramatically staged. The costumes are Asian but the style is clearly hip-hop. Melissa has a starring role, which I approve of. Kayla and Jeanine have Princess Leia hair. Janette and … uh… Randi, I guess, in another wig, are backup. The guys are indistinguishable from each other in their hats (well, except for pasty Evan, who always stands out.) I like it better than I’ve liked the other group dances, but it still doesn’t do much for me. Turns out it was choreographed by Wade and Amanda Robson. Huh. So, out of the three Wade routines we’ve seen, I’ve loved one, hated one, and felt mediocre about the third.

Cat announces that they just got some Emmy noms for choreography last season: one for Mia, one for Tabitha and Napoleon, one for Tyce, and one for Dmitry Chaplin, who was once a contestant on this show. Wow, so this show apparently dominates that category. Because Dancing with the Stars sucks, I guess.

Nigel isn’t there tonight because he’s over in the UK picking up an honorary degree from some university. With Nigel gone, we get an extra-long clips package from last night to fill the time he normally would’ve rambled through, which is fun because it saves me having to recap it.

Since the show’s format has changed, we’re in American Idol zone with the extra-drawn-out results reveals. Then we see that the contestants are wearing the same outfits they wore for their solos last night. Oh, man, there is nothing fun left for me in results shows anymore.

The bottom two women are Randi and Melissa. Wow, really? I’m not surprised at all about poor Randi but I would’ve expected Kayla or even Janette over Melissa.

Cat shows us more season 6 auditions promo. Ew ew ew auditions are gross.

The bottom two men are Kupono, who I’m pleased to see is actually wearing a different outfit tonight, and Ade. Wow, really? After that awesome hip-hop dance? But Evan and Jason are both safe? I think these voters are very different people than me. And, although I like Randi I would also like to point out here that the judges have been acting for a few weeks now like Randi was carrying Evan, whereas these results would seem to indicate that it was in fact Evan who was carrying Randi.

For some reason the bottom four are all doing solos, even though the voting is already over. This just seems mean. Randi does pretty twirling and generally makes it clear that she knows she’s done. Kupono looks fabulous and does some jerky stuff and seems very into it. I’m irritated that I just now started liking Kupono and now he’s leaving. Melissa’s solo looks more to me like traditional ballet than last night’s did, but sadly she’s in the bike shorts again. Ade wears a shirt this time, which is a relief, but he dances to “Unchained Melody” again, although not quite as absurdly fast as last night.

Then the Black Eyed Peas perform “I Gotta Feelin’.” I have never been able to bring myself to care about the Black Eyed Peas. Nor am I planning to start tonight. I do notice though that Fergie appears to be singing backup. Did Fergie stop being the most famous person in the Black Eyed Peas? I don’t even know any of the others’ names. Oh, but wait, is one of them the guy who did the Obama “Yes We Can” video? Then they talk about Michael Jackson. Whatever.

Time for the real results. Randi’s going home. She holds it together pretty well. And Kupono. He has clearly rehearsed for this moment, and keeps smiling even though he’s obviously devastated. Aww, I like both of them. This is hard. Awwwww.

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

Season 5, Episodes 16&17: Top 10 (originally aired July 15&16, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

Poptimal.com Takes DC Metro Area Audience to Comic-Con, Virtually

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Poptimal.com Takes DC Metro Area Audience to Comic-Con, Virtually

Washington, D.C. Metro – July 17, 2009 – The pop culture gurus at Poptimal.com are bringing the excitement of the 2009 Comic-Con to DC area audiences via the ultra popular social networking site, Twitter.

Making their first appearance at Comic-Con, Poptimal.com will be providing their audience with the opportunity to keep up with the latest news and events from the mega convention in San Diego, CA. Celebrity interviews, panel discussions, autograph sessions, and exclusive advanced screenings are only a taste of what Poptimal.com’s pop culture experts will be tweeting about.

The world renown International Comic Book Convention is celebrating its 40th year anniversary and is expected to lure over 125,000 attendees this year (July 23 – July 26).  Since its inception, Comic-Con has become more than just a comic book convention.  It is now known as a pop culture oasis with Hollywood celebrities, actors, and directors premiering their newest and hottest projects for the upcoming year.

Individuals wishing to follow Poptimal.com’s tweets should follow: http://twitter.com/Poptimal.

Poptimal.com recently celebrated its landmark one year anniversary. Since the site’s beginning, it has gained a steady growth of visitors and created a buzz within the entertainment industry. Reviews and articles on the site are contributed by pop culture enthusiasts nationwide.

D.C. Pop Culture Gurus Headed to Comic-Con

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D.C.  Pop Culture Gurus Headed to Comic-Con

Washington, D.C. Metro – July 17, 2009 – After recently celebrating a landmark one-year anniversary, Poptimal.com is about to make its first appearance at the San Diego Comic-Con International.

The world renown International Comic Book Convention is celebrating its 40th year anniversary and is expected to lure over 125,000 attendees this year.  Since its inception Comic-Con has become more than just a comic book convention.  It is now known as a pop culture oasis with Hollywood celebrities, actors, and directors premiering their newest and hottest projects for the upcoming year.

Poptimal.com is a user driven website whose motto is Pop Culture Reviews from People like You. Where better to observe the pop culture phenomenon than at Comic-Con International?

These D.C. area pop culture gurus will have the opportunity to interview celebrities and other notable people within the entertainment industry. As one of the few pop culture websites in the D.C. area attending this international event, Poptimal.com will have a leg up on the new projects that are generating the most buzz in Hollywood, and will be able to better recommend to D.C. area audiences what they should be keeping an eye out for this year.  Thereby, increasing its status as the preeminent pop culture review source in the D.C. Area.

Poptimal.com first went live on July 5, 2008. It has since continued a steady growth of visitors and created a buzz within the entertainment industry. Reviews and articles on the site are contributed by pop culture enthusiasts nationwide.  Poptimal.com will broadcast, blog , and Tweet directly from the convention floor in the midst of the pop culture pandemonium.

Burn Notice: The Rambo Edition

This week, Burn Notice opens on the most orgiastic, sensational image in the show’s history: Fiona, scantily clad, drenched in sweat, kicking and punching the sweet living bejesus out of a set of focus mitts that Michael is holding. She’s hitting them so hard that she almost knocks Michael over with every blow. That is until she actually does knock Michael over with a spinning backhand to the face. Uh, gee, that was an accident, right Fiona? Michael wonders the same thing, though Fiona insists that she is indeed being supportive of Michael’s commitment to get back into the spy game.

This is the Fiona I like to…no, love to see. Not the crying Fiona from last week, but the angry, smirking, incredibly violent beauty who kicks the crap out of anybody and everybody she feels like. The only other woman on recent tv I can think of who compares to Gabrielle Anwar in the brutal beauty department is Emily Deschanel, who used to unleash all kinds of freakin’ awesome martial arts fury on Bones before the writers started to mellow her out (unfortunately). There’s something about a beautiful woman who could put Arnold Schwarzenegger in a wheelchair. But I digress.

Michael hears a noise outside his loft and goes out to investigate. He finds a gift basket filled with gourmet yogurt and a note telling him to be at a frozen yogurt shop the next morning. Fiona speculates that it’s from Michael’s agency friends, and that he is getting back in. You know she’s thrilled about it.

Michael obliges and shows up, though he harkens it to a blind date. And his date is…Tom Strickler, who describes himself not as an agent to the stars but an agent to the spies. He offers to throw Michael paying gigs that Michael would be well-suited to, all for a ten percent commission. Michael is reluctant. If he’s not going to be working for the government, he’d just as soon be his own boss. Strickler tells Michael that an old Ukrainian associate of Michael’s is heading for Miami. He says that he has to do more research on who it is, but already you can see Michael’s mind working, trying to piece through his checkered, globetrotting super-spy past and figure out who is coming after him. He knew this could happen when he willingly gave up the protection that the people who burned him were giving him.

So Michael goes back to the only people he can trust, namely Sam and Fiona. He asks Sam to check out Strickler, while Fiona offers that she knows a guy who might know if a Ukrainian was coming to town. So Michael goes on another blind date of sorts, this time with Fiona’s friend. This guy’s name is Beck, a “guy with connections.” The problem is, Beck is an asshole who gives Michael the cold shoulder. Michael tells Beck that a shipment Beck was expecting a while back was diverted and that he could make sure that kind of thing wouldn’t happen anymore. But Beck isn’t interested in Michael’s I-do-for-you, you-do-for-me proposition. Beck starts threatening Michael to leave him alone.

But Beck’s threats pale compared to an extraction team of big, hulking, angry Ukrainians. Because that’s what tears through the doors of the coffee shop Michael and Beck are inhabiting at that very moment. They set off flash-bang grenades and make a huge ruckus. Michael has just enough time to snap a photo of the head honcho with his phone and hide his phone for Fiona to find before he and Beck are grabbed and thrown in the back of a van.

They only grabbed Beck because he was with Michael at the time. Beck recognizes that, and starts pleading with the armed baddies to let him go. They figure Beck is expendable and are about to shoot him when Michael puts on a show and starts beating up Beck, speaking in Ukrainian that Beck is trying to buy his freedom by selling Michael out. “The same things that get you killed will extend your life” in a hostage situation, Michael says. He puts on another show soon after and succeeds in throwing Beck and himself out of the speeding van and onto the road. They scramble to their feet and dash into the thick swampy woods of the Everglades that surround them. Michael has to take Beck and venture deeper and deeper into the brush to evade their pursuers and turn the tables on him. He also has to contend with Beck, who fights Michael at every turn and questions Michael’s infinite wisdom and strategy. Personally, I would have just punched Beck in the nose and left him for dead, but I’m not Michael Westen.

Fiona finds Michael’s phone and she and Sam take it to Strickler, who recognizes the picture. Strickler was very helpful and cooperative. That may have been a result of Fiona holding an automatic shotgun at his head. Strickler tells them that the guy’s name is Vlad, and he works for a dude named Chechik. Sam recognizes Chechik and tells Fiona that Chechik definitely wants Michael’s head on a lance because Michael blew up a whole bunch of Chechik’s property a dozen years ago.

Sam and Fiona try to hide all this from Madeline, but Madeline knows something is going on and demands that they tell her the truth. “Did I fall apart the last time something like this was happening?” she asks rhetorically. She also rubs salt in the wound that Sam blew up her house (even though he did it to save her life, she still holds it against him). And in her best scene this season, she even interrogates the pilot who brought Chechik and Vlad into the country when Sam and Fiona can’t get anything out of him. She takes a decidedly different approach to interrogation, and it works. It’s a really funny, really fresh scene.

So now Sam and Fiona know that Michael is out in the Everglades and they go after him. But until they find him, he is on his own against a small army of deadly thugs. The rest of the episode thus becomes Rambo lite, as Michael hides in the jungle and uses his genius, tactical mind to lay all kinds of traps for his enemies and use the environment to overpower and defeat the superior numbers. That’s not a criticism. For an episode of television, there’s an amazing amount of walloping action and production values. It’s also interesting to see Michael fight a nemesis from his spy past, because it gives us insight into what his life was like before we met him.

I wasn’t a huge fan of the first three episodes of this season, but these last three have definitely delivered the goods.

Season 3, Episode 6:  The Hunter (originally aired July 16, 2009)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of Glenn Watson, NBC Universal, and USA

Merlin: Dear Merlin What A Boring Party

I suppose my favorable comments from last week only guaranteed I’d be bored to tears this week.  Again, we are treated to the adverse consequences of Uther hating magic and Merlin’s defiance of the magic ban to save the day.  Let’s get to it, shall we?

Edwin Muirden, sorcerer and Phantom understudy in the touring company of The Phantom of the Opera, curses a beetle that crawls into Morgana’s ear like the Ceti eel of Ceti Alpha V.  Gaius, court physician, can’t cure her but mystery man Edwin conveniently arrives at court and “cures” Morgana . . . by undoing his own actions.

After Merlin is assigned as Edwin’s “manservant,” Gaius either suspects Edwin’s a fraud or just a threat to his job.  Either way, he gets the court archivist to unseal the records of the Great Purge (a/k/a Let’s Go Burn Some Witches Day).  While he’s doing that, Merlin discovers that Edwin is a sorcerer and they bond over their secret.  (And with the introduction of the second closeted sorcerer, I remind everyone of my earlier rambling about Merlin’s journey being a pretext for homosexuality.)

Gaius, armed with his history lesson, confronts Edwin about his past.  Edwin’s parents were dark sorcerers executed during Uther’s Purge.  Edwin tried to save his parents but was burned; Gaius was his treating physician until Edwin up and left.  He’s back now to exact revenge on Uther, and since he knows Merlin’s secret, he’s blackmailing Gaius to keep his mouth shut.  This not only gets Gaius to stay quiet but it gets Uther to send Gaius out to pasture and to appoint Edwin the new court physician.

Uther, of course, played right into Edwin’s trap, for once Gaius is gone, Edwin gives Uther a paralysis-inducing potion and slips a magic beetle in his ear.  And because it’s too soon for Uther to die, Gaius has a change of heart and comes back to stop Edwin.  Edwin, though, tries some magic on Gaius and Merlin walks in, illegally uses his magic, kills Edwin, and saves Uther.  Surprise!

But since Uther thinks Gaius saved him, he makes Gaius a freeman of Camelot and Merlin gets the shaft (non-homoerotic, that is).

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 6: A Remedy to Cure All Ills (aired July 12, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC, The BBC, and Todd Antony

The Fashion Show: Blood, Sweat, and Sparkle

It’s the last challenge, and everyone is apparently on edge.  Each designer has his or her own sob story about why he or she should win, often with tears.  I try to control my gag reflex with limited success.

When our designers arrive in the studio, Isaac and Kelly are there with the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge.  Isaac hypes it up because the mini-challenge is about draping.  Who doesn’t get hyped about draping?!?!  Isaac demonstrates how one piece of fabric can become a beautiful gown using draping and six pins.  The mini-challenge is to take two yards of silk charmeuse, and, using only ten pins, to make it into a gown.  The judges are Glenda Bailey (editor of Harper’s Bazaar) and Isabel Toledo (who designed Michelle Obama’s inauguration day outfit).

Big Bertha:  “It’s all about draping, and I don’t drape.  I don’t do pretty.  I know I’m going to embarrass myself, for sure.”  Sigh.  Why is he here?

Comments from the judges:

• Reco – challenging the ’80s and Joan Collins
• Anna – loving the one shoulder and the back; “successful”
• Big Bertha – Scary; wrapping, but not draping; lots of pinholes
• Daniella – You understand the fabric; controlled volume
• James-Paul – Did not drape enough for the sack shape

They choose Daniella as the winner, and she gets some incredible advantage that we will find out about later.

The elimination challenge is to design an evening gown, and the designers have to use Swarovski crystals.

When the designers arrive at the fabric store, Kelly is there waiting for them with a surprise.  She has brought the five most recently dismissed designers:  Haven, Angel, Keith, Andrew, and Merlin.  I would like to note that Merlin walks in, dressed in complete pink with feathers coming out of his pink cowboy hat and says, “Hey, bitches!”  I miss him.

Daniella, as the winner of the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge, selects first.  Uh, that’s the big advantage?  She chooses Haven, of course.  Anna chooses Keith.   James-Paul chooses Merlin.  Wha?  Reco chooses Andrew because he’s cute.  Big Bertha is left with Angel.  Off screen, Big Bertha says that he would have chosen security or the janitor instead of Angel.  A true class act, that Johnny.

Big Bertha mentions that he doesn’t do evening gowns, but he remembers when Maggie Gyllenhaal wore this Lanvin gown to the Golden Globe awards.

Reco says that he is channeling Victoria Beckham in his design.  Anna is doing a big ass bow on the shoulder of her gown, with crystals on the inside.  Haven keeps telling Daniella how much she dislikes the abundance of gray in their gown.

The real drama, though, is between Big Bertha and Angel.  I know that you’re really shocked, too, right?  Angel confides to James-Paul that Big Bertha doesn’t have any idea how to construct this gown or even how the construct garments, generally.   Big Bertha isn’t sure if Angel is helping him or sabotaging him.  I hate him so much.

Isaac and Kelly come in to “critique.”  By “critique,” I mean ask a question, then make a face.  Isaac asks Big Bertha if he has ever made an evening gown, based on the fact that he linked the chiffon in taffeta instead of silk.  I mean, who doesn’t know that?!?!?!  Reco’s gown is purple and hot pink; it looks hideous.  They are skeptical of Anna’s use of print.  James-Paul’s gown looks a homemade gold and black velvet mess.

The next morning, Kelly calls James-Paul before sunrise to tell them that she expects them to be dressed “to the nines” for this week’s fashion show.  I think it’s telling that everyone dresses up except for Big Bertha, who is dressed to the nines in shorts, a plaid button-up, and a black hoodie.  He looks utterly ridiculous.

Every time Merlin talks, Bravo inserts subtitles.  Ha!

Just before the fashion show, the eliminated designers go away, and we get ready for the runway.  Fern Mallis and Glenda Bailey in da house!

Daniella is nervous because everyone else used color, and Johnny is going on and on about how he is an original.

Big Bertha – He has sent out a green version of the Maggie Gyllenhaal Lanvin dress.  Seriously, the only differences are that this one is green, has a shorter hem, and has a ruffle instead of a bow over the left shoulder.  He says that it is edgy and that he could see lots of people wearing his dress.  I say he should be gassed.

James-Paul – This is a black velvet pile o’ poo.  There is gold edging around the bottom hem, and some sort of strange gold piping at the top of the bodice.  James-Paul has placed the Swarovski crystals in a starburst pattern at her hip.   It’s very middle school homecoming and/or Mother of the Groom.

Anna – Anna has given us an exuberant pink floral gown with a bow on the left shoulder.  The crystals are inside the bow.  It’s quite pretty, and I like that she used such a big, floral pattern for an evening gown.

Reco – This dress is a straight-up stripper dress.  It is purple and hot pink, and the entire bodice looks like it is made of elastic.  The skirt portion of the dress is sheer (but still purple and pink).  This is not high fashion.  Kelly says that she would only wear it on stage, and Big Bertha says that it is unflattering.

Daniella – The model comes out in a column of gray.  There is a crystal-beaded piece that wraps from the bustline of the gown around her shoulder like a hook.  It never reconnects to the gown.  It is kind of interesting, and the dress looks nice.  I don’t know, though.  It doesn’t scream glamour to me.  It’s like what Mama Morton from Chicago would wear to the prison Christmas party.

Judging!

The top two designs are Daniella and Anna.  Reco makes a face.  Isaac loves how the crystals are important to each dress.  Anna gets a little teary-eyed when she collects her praise.   Fern likes the way that Daniella’s gown emphasizes the shoulders, and Daniella talks about how she followed her heart.  Our winner is Daniella.  Hmmm . . . ok.  Whatever.

The other three designers come back on stage, and the judges tell Reco that his design was good enough to earn him a spot in the final fashion show.  Big Bertha, the sour queen that he is, says that Reco’s dress is “so ugly” right there on the stage.  I know someone whose attitude is “so ugly.”

That means our bottom two are Big Bertha and James-Paul.  Glenda tells James-Paul that his dress looks like a costume, looks dated, and looks tortured; she tells Big Bertha that she has seen his gown before.  The judges get all up in his face about copying the Lanvin gown.  Isaac even printed off a photo of the gown and shows it around.  Oh, no.  Here’s where it goes down because Big Bertha starts saying, “You know, I should have seen that.”  LIKE HE DIDN’T MENTION IT AT THE FABRIC STORE TO ANGEL!  Big Bertha is in denial and says that his gown is not a knock-off, even though everyone can see it.

While the judges deliberate, Reco tells Big Bertha that, in his opinion, it looks identical to the Lanvin gown.  Big Bertha’s response?  “I don’t think I’ve seen Maggie in it.  I saw the Lanvin collection.”  That is a lie.  A DAMN LIE!  And just when you think his fat ass can’t sink any lower, he blames Angel for not telling him that he was doing a knock-off when they were working on it.  A complete disgrace.

In deliberations, Glenda says that we have the two worst sins in fashion design:  an ugly dress and knocking off another designer.  When the judges come back out, they give Big Bertha the old heave ho.  Thank goodness!  The most galling part is that he continues to deny that he knocked off the Lanvin gown.  He says that to call it a knock-off is an insult to him.  He needs to get hit by a bus.

The judges tell the final four to really bring it for the final fashion show!!  Yay!  The season is almost over!!  Yay!

Season 1, Episode 10: Blood, Sweat, and Sparkle (originally aired July 9, 2009)

For more on The Fashion Show, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Barbara Nitke

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