Eli Stone: No Vision

After disappearing off the air for a good six months, Eli Stone returned to finish out its season in the Saturday at 10 p.m. timeslot. Though previously I’ve loved this show, it sadly seemed to belong in its new no-hope air-time. This episode’s plot was lacking, and there were no visions or musical numbers or philosophical morals. There was just Eli and Maggie finally getting together in the most disappointing manner ever. Sad.

In the episode, aptly titled Sonoma, Eli and Taylor joined up with their rival attorneys – and love interests – Matt Dowd and Maggie for a road trip to Sonoma to talk to a witness who has been locked up for something or other. Because Matt and Taylor are looking for a vacation, they rope their law partners into traveling together, leading to a lot of Eli and Maggie bickering. Normally, I would approve of their bickering – but this was who’s more righteous bickering with Maggie obviously on the wrong side – an unusual place for her – and I wasn’t liking it.

After a lot more of this bickering and worst reality show ever jokes, they arrive in Sonoma to interview Jesse Bates, the witness they need for their case. But Jesse will only help them if they help her first. The now-client Ms. Bates, an art dealer, is being held for stealing a painting which she refused to give back to its owners after discovering that it was taken from a Jewish family during the Holocaust. Seeming like a moral injustice case right up Eli and Maggie’s alleys, they agree to help her out.

However, their little road trip takes a turn for the worst when they enter court and discover that head chair lawyer, Matt Dowd (he won at rock, paper, scissors – you’d think a guy named Stone would play rock more), once dumped their judge. In fact, he left her waiting for him at the airport. Real nice. So she promptly seeks her revenge by holding him in contempt of court – which no actual judge would ever do because she’d lose her chair pronto. But off Matt Dowd goes to jail and after Taylor stands up for Matt and calls the judge bitter, she goes off to jail, too.

It’s up to Eli and Maggie to work together and prove that the painting is a Holocaust artifact while getting the only living relative of the family, Katie, who owned it back to the country so she can claim it. While working on their case, Eli and Maggie enjoy a lot of red wine together and Maggie reveals that she met Eli while she was a law student and that they sang karaoke. He did an awful rendition of a George Michael song, of course. Then, because this episode needed something to happen, Eli and Maggie sleep together. It’s horribly uneventful and not nearly as sexy as it should have been.

The next morning, Eli wakes up and is feeling guilty. He admits to Maggie that earlier he discovered he has a second aneurysm. The phone rings to let them know that the granddaughter for the painting, Katie, has arrived in California, and Maggie storms off thinking Eli only used her to feel better about his aneurysm (which is pretty lame and out of character for her).

So off they go to court, where it becomes really obvious that the painting in concern definitely belonged to Katie and her family. Not only does the woman in the painting look exactly like her, but she’s wearing the necklace she got from her grandmother. However, Katie doesn’t want the painting back and asks that the current owners sell it to a museum so others can see it. Everyone gets weepy, the judge forgives the offending lovers she’s put in jail, and they all leave happily. Or do they?

Eli goes to talk to their witness, Jesse, and she reveals that she already gave everything she had to Maggie. Jesse thought they were working together. Well, she and Eli apparently thought wrong. Maggie has disappeared back to San Francisco with the evidence and Eli’s broken heart.

Back in San Francisco, brother Nathan is dealing with Eli’s latest aneurysm by trying to get to the bottom of its cause. Eli revealed before he left that he’d been seeing Dr. Lee for some dark medicine so Nate tried to see her, faking an illness, but Dr. Lee saw through his act quickly and gave him no new info. So Nate returned to Dr. Chen who gave him some startling news. Nate and Eli’s father had been given the “Dark Truth” treatment by Dr. Chen and he died a week later. Looks like Eli may be suffering from more than a broken heart. Nate tells Dr. Chen that they have to tell Eli, but after a few more frustrating unreturned calls to Maggie, Eli blows up at Chen when he tells him and demands he leave.

Poor Eli – looks like he needs a little vision to get him through this one. Maybe next week will bring on some revelations? One can only hope.

Season 2, Episode 10: Sonoma (Originally aired June 20, 2009)

For more on Eli Stone, click here.

Photographs courtesy of ABC

Weeds: Sibling Rivalry and a Dead, Dirty Mexican

This week on Weeds, Nancy got a new bodyguard named Sucio – which literally means “dirty” – and who was very okay with his “man smell”. Lovely. Shortly after his arrival, Nancy discovers that she’s bleeding and demands that Andy take her to the Mexican doctor she can’t understand. Soon-to-be Papa Esteban meets them there and Andy and he have a delightful little verbal throw down in which Esteban most certainly wins, calling Andy a clown. The doctor also suggests that Nancy needs to have less stress in her life – which certainly seems unlikely, especially when she arrives home to find that Silas wants to start a medicinal marijuana operation with Doug and that Shane and her sister Jill have returned. Shane has blackmailed Jill to return him home by taking pictures of her and Andy getting it on on the washing machine. That’s nice and stress free, surely.

Rather than getting pissed at her creepy son, however, Nancy gets ticked at Jill and her brother-in-law, Andy. Jill is upset and obviously jealous of how Nancy overshadows her, so she asks Andy where the bedroom is and suggests they use it. Later, we’re treated to a very awkward and revealing family dinner in which Jill continues to harp on Nancy’s attention-getting ways by talking about how she dated one of her teachers in high school. Nancy denies it and then asks why they’re arguing about it: she was thirteen, and he was a pedophile. Yikes, no wonder Nancy turned out the way she did. Nancy excuses herself to go throw up, Sucio goes to help her, and Jill wonders if he’s homeless. She’s still got no clue what’s really going on.

Speaking of clueless, Doug and Silas are trying to be legit with their medical marijuana business, but the bank won’t give them a loan without law enforcement approval. So Doug and Andy buddy up to a chubby cop who agrees to sign their paperwork in exchange for a monthly bribe. I’m sure that won’t blow up in anyone’s face.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Mexico, Celia is angering her revolutionary by trying to take control of his business and mothering him. He doesn’t seem to appreciate this and by the end she’s been drugged and put on a bus back to Texas.

But back in the Botwin house, Nancy has finally convinced Sucio to take a much needed shower in their outdoor shower. She goes to get a loofah and returns to find Sucio’s clothes and some drops of blood. Not good, not good.

She retrieves Shane and allows Andy and Jill to finish what they were up to before telling them they have to leave.  She piles them in the car, and Jill and Nancy finally air their grievances over Nancy leaving Jill to take care of their ailing parents. Nancy screams her apologies and Jill says she always wanted to be Nancy. Esteban then calls and Nancy tells him she’s fleeing since she doesn’t know whether he’s going to let her live or not, but she’d like bodyguard Cesar back. She hangs up and asks a stunned Jill if she still wants her screwed-up life.

Nearby, DEA Agent Till watches.

Season 5, Episode 3: Su-Su-Sucio (Originally aired June 22, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, Cliff Lipson

I Love You, Beth Cooper: Worst movie of 2009

If the dozen or so people in my Saturday night, opening weekend showing is any indication, I Love You, Beth Cooper will be out of most respectable theatres in two weeks because I think two people walked out, six people were college kids glad to be away from their parents for the night, three people were drunk, and the rest of us write for Poptimal.com.  (And there aren’t enough Poptimal.com writers to fill another audience, regardless of sobriety.)  Regrettably, I was not one of the drunk ones or one of the people who left early.  And here’s why: But for my not walking out of College, I would have walked out of this movie, except that this movie was not as bad. It is all relative, I guess.  But make no mistake, this movie was awful and, after the first 15 minutes, quickly devolved into the longest 102 minutes of my life.  Do not go see this movie.  Do not rent it.  Do not talk about it with your enemies.  Do not watch it when it makes it to cable. No, nyet, non, nein, nah!

Still, the review must go on . . .

We open with high school valedictorian Denis Cooverman addressing his class by talking about the things everyone longs to say but cannot.  He does this by professing his love for head cheerleader Beth Cooper.  The opening was a good sketch and should have stayed a sketch because it could not carry the rest of the movie.  From there we see Denis and his best friend, Rich the homosexual, spend a crazy night with Beth Cooper and her two slutty friends.  The adventures begin with Denis’s father, played by Alan Ruck (who I know from seeing his stage, screen, and television work that he can do better than this garbage), telling Denis about condom use.  With the parents gone, things quickly spin out of control when Beth’s soldier boyfriend goes on a coke bender and trashes Denis’s house.  (Great way to portray our soldiers, jerks!)  Now, I wasn’t class valedictorian but even I know that you should call the police when someone breaks in and throws a microwave at your head.  But not Denis.  How wacky!  How irreverent!  How sophomoric!  Instead the Denis and Beth comedy tour drive all over the place and discover their real selves.  Or something, I don’t know, I was doing a crossword puzzle.

And to make matters worse, Chris Columbus directed this production.  Yes, that Chris Columbus, who directed one of my favorite movies–Mrs. Doubtfire–and the 1980s classic Adventures in Babysitting that launched the era Elisabeth Shue movies.  Oh how the mighty have fallen!  (And I’m counting his two Harry Potter tragedies as well.)  But, in his defense, you can only do so much with an Swiss cheese-like storyline and actors that can’t carry their lines.  Snap!

One final objecting point.  I know Bruno is all the rage this weekend since it’s a celebration of at least two-thirds of the triumvirate of groups of people you can still make stereotypical jokes about without the social scorn or awkwardness: gays, people with disabilities, and Southerners/country folk.  So bring on the stupid gay jokes, I suppose, but in the character of Rich, there were few, if any laughs.  They want to do the gay best friend trope (AGAIN!), fine, but did we need the pervasive cracks about his sexuality?  No.  Did we need his kitschy movie quoting?  No.  Did we need the threesome to see if he was really gay?  No.  None of these things create character depth.  And aside from raising my blood pressure, I’ve now spent more time writing this review than I’m sure went into the script development.  So with that, I’ll end with the haiku I wrote after I finished by crossword puzzle:

No love for Cooper
No story, no humor
Rent Can’t Hardly Wait

Top Chef Masters: Flaming Coconuts!

July 8, 2009 … You knew it was coming. Memories! Forget Barney and Harold and Kumar. Neil Patrick Harris lives on in the hearts of millions not as Dr. Horrible, but as Dr. Howser.

(I don’t know if that Dr. Horrible line works – I’m not a Joss Whedon fan. Unless we’re talking Angel, and we’re not, so just go with it.)

This week, the fun is back! First, meet another four chefs: Douglas Rodriguez, Anita Lo, John Besh, and Mark Peel, who has the best voice in the business. This guy, especially with his sense of humor, belongs as a sportscaster on ESPN.

A moment: what’s with the pop-up advertisements, Bravo? Every few minutes, another bubble pops up in the bottom right hand corner of the screen, distracting from the show to advertise things like The Fashion Show. Look, I don’t like TFS, I haven’t met a single person who likes it, and I don’t care how many bubbles you throw up. I don’t care who made a knock off dress this week, and all you’re doing is securing my hate for the show, and now I’ll never, ever watch it. It’s not my fault you lost Project Runway, so don’t take it out on me while I’m enjoying one of your better programming decisions.

And in other Bravo news: Can you believe there’s more unseen footage of the Housewives they haven’t shown yet? I’d feel bad for Andy Cohen sitting in the middle of that train wreck if he didn’t so clearly relish the drama. Don’t get me started on that idiot.

Quickfire. Cook an egg-based dish with only one hand. Judges are Gail Simmons (Gail!), Terry Reish, and Monica May.

The chefs all go on about the difficulties of cooking a perfect egg, and cooking one-handed. Ironically (interestingly?), Mark’s father was born with one hand. Hmmmm… John makes a dish he makes every morning, but runs into a problem with timing and the oven, and only completes one dish out of the four.

Douglas’s open faced corn cake with ham and eggs pleases the judges; Mark makes duck egg pasta with egg and olive oil cream sauce – but he forgets the olive oil, so he really makes “bland” duck egg pasta with egg sauce. Sounds gross, doesn’t it? Anita cooks scrambled eggs with mushrooms and truffle sauce; aside from cooking a perfectly tasting dish, she scores extra points for presentation, with her eggs served in the egg shell. As expected, John’s slow cooked egg doesn’t receive one good review.

As a result, John receives a half star; Mark earns 2 ½ stars; Douglas 3 stars; and Anita wins with 5 stars.

Elimination Challenge. Max Maven enters and performs a little magic to introduce the challenge, and this guy looks exactly like a cartoon character – I don’t know why I kept thinking of the Great Gazoo. So: Create a dinner for Neil Patrick Harris and friends, with each chef inspired by a different element of the magic trick: Mystery, Surprise, Illusion, and Spectacle. A magical inspiration because NPH is apparently a huge magic fan, and … well, I have no idea. NPH and magic as guests on TCM seems awfully random, but I’m having a good time, so let’s do this.

Shopping and prep! Anita realizes she can’t rest on her 5-star win, and must still try as hard as she can. Mark goes all “east coast-west coast rivalry,” because Anita’s the one to beat, and she’s from New York (holla!) and he’s in L.A. (boo!), but it’s all in good fun, and I can’t help but like him. He has a great sense of humor about the competition and great respect for his fellow chefs. Douglas refuses to talk about his dish on camera because he doesn’t want to reveal his secrets … like a magician … (eye roll) … but he goes on a bit about how perfect it is he pulled Spectacle. O…kay?

And just as happy as we were to see Gail judging the Quickfire, in walks Tom Colicchio to survey the chefs as they work! See? How much better is this show with a familiar judge and the return of Colicchio? It’s like when a new Star Trek series starts but then Captain Picard guest stars to pass the torch. Wow, how geek-ified did this review just get?

Tom makes his rounds, and says that the Masters have a leg up on the “amateur” Top Chef contestants because “they didn’t get bogged down in the challenge, and know that through cooking, you can tell any story.” Oh, is that what the problem is with the TC contestants? I thought it was ego, lack of talent, and ego. While a few of the Masters haven’t been able to wrap their heads around their own awesomeness, I will agree that they always seem to come to quick decisions with confidence. Even when they’re trying something new, they can usually back it up with an almost perfect dish, and lack the insecurity that dooms less experienced chefs.

Look at me as if I know what I’m talking about! Anyway, the chefs pack up and head for The Magic Castle, where dinner will be served. Sadly, I’ve been here before with some models; this is much better. Anita says it feels like Hogwarts, and I’ll let JB make any Potter references and I’ll just stick to random Star Trek remarks. NPH arrives with his guests: Max Maven, Ed Alonzo of the Maxx, and actor David Burtka. The critics are Gail (Gail!), Gael, and James Oseland.

Service. Mark accomplishes Mystery by cooking fish in a paper bag, so you’re left wondering, what is that on my plate? Ta da! Mystery. He also provides sake, and in case you need a bit of trivia, NPH loves him some sake. His fish is “bold,” with lots of oohs and aaahs. John scores points for creativity, using liquid nitrogen tableside to make crème fraîche and horseradish sorbet. He loses points for freezing NPH’s hands, and because the sorbet is too cold to enjoy. Gael loves “the game of it” and the Surprising textures. Anita cooks a braised daikon with kombu caviar and steak tartare. For the Illusion, the tartare is hiding in a faux scallop, on a bed of rice krispies doubling as a “seascape.” Everyone loves the food and the plating. Douglas creates a flaming coconut for his Spectacle by smearing sterno wax on coconuts because he can’t find rum. That is an accident waiting to happen, but no one gets hurt. They enjoy the presentation of his duck four ways, but they don’t talk much about the food itself.

Critics Table. John’s lobster was perfect, but the rest of his meal was too cold to enjoy. Anita’s dish was a “surrealistic painting,” but all the Critics love it. Douglas played it safe by cooking dishes he’s comfortable with, and created a “classic ceviche.” No other comments. Mark moved away from his “deeply Mediterranean style.” But in a good way.

On to the scoring! John stays at the bottom with 12 stars. Next comes Douglas with 13, then Mark with 18 ½. But Anita wins the day with 22 ½ stars. Take that, West Coast!

Let’s hope the next few episodes remain as enjoyable as this one – I think the key is that these Master chefs checked their egos at the door and came to have fun, not just to compete for their charities. They laugh even as they make mistakes and lose, making this a good time for them, and for us at home. All that, and Tom and Gail? Perfection!

But can we get rid of the pop-up bubbles, Bravo???

Next week: Jeff Lewis. I think he’s hilarious but then, I’m never on the receiving end of his anal retentive degradation.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Pesto, Chango! by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 4: Magic Chefs (originally aired July 8, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Top Chef Masters: Pesto, Chango!

This week we have four new chefs and two recycled challenges in a battle royal for the charities of their choice: Douglas Rodriguez of Alma de Cuba et al. (Ayuda for the Arts); Anita Lo of Annisa (Share); John Besh of Restaurant August et al. (Make It Right); and Mark Peel of Campanile (Doctors Sans Borders).

Quickfire.  Kelly welcomes our contestants and wants them to each cook a dish with an egg–the hardest ingredient to use, especially when one hand is tied behind their backs.  As they cook, let’s laugh at the chefs handicapped while Mark Peel talks about his father only having the use of one hand (AWKWARD!).  John Besh is learning that the Top Chef ovens don’t work right and he scrambles (wocka, wocka!) to fix it and winds up with barely anything to serve.  But who is the bigger one-handed badass: Mark who made noodles or Anita who put cooked eggs back in their shell containers.  The judges, including the always irascible Gail Simmons, give the win to Anita with a maximum of five stars.

Elimination Challenge.  Create a dinner for Neil Patrick Harris and his magician guests at the Magic Castle.  Let the Doogie jokes begin!  Some creepy magician type (Max Maven) talks to them about tricks, I mean illusions (because a trick is something a whore does for money . . . or candy).  Anyway, there’s some trick (sorry!) where they each get a card with a word on it that they must use as inspiration for their dish: mystery, illusion, spectacle, and surprise.

After some talk from Mark about sabotaging the New Yorkers, the cooking begins.  And Chef Tom is back with his awkward banter while people are trying to work.  He makes a good point when talking with the camera: the Top Chef masters aren’t getting bogged down by the challenge, unlike the regular Top Chef guys.  In other words, the masters are professionals.

To the Magic Castle, or as Anita calls it, Hogwarts.  Unfortunately, the house elves aren’t available and these guys have to cook everything.  Plus house elves don’t use liquid nitrogen.  You don’t want to hear me describe plating so on to the service.

Service.  We meet Neil Patrick Harris, the magicians, and the panel of critics with Gail and Gael (looks like one of the magicians pulled Gael out of a hat).  Mark serves “mystery” with his food, which is served in a wrapped package.  John serves “surprise” and asks Neil to assist him as he makes a sorbet with liquid nitrogen.  Neil thinks something is to be desired in the execution.  Anita is by far the most creative with her “illusion” dish: it looks like a scallop but it’s really steak tartare with a seascape underneath making a crackling noise and a broth to give a sea smell.  Finally, Douglas serves “spectacle” but it’s not flaming like he wanted so his fire and ice motif doesn’t work.  Again, Neil talks about the lacking in the execution.

Critics’ Table.  We run down the line and Gail’s giving good criticism, at least more than the soft-touch comments we normally get.  So not much to say on this, except that Gail needs to be on more episodes.  In the end, Anita advances to the next round with her thoughtful display of illusion, over Mark as runner up.

Next week: A blender explodes!

For another opinion on this episode, check out Flaming Coconuts! by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 4: Magic Chefs (originally aired July 8, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal

Burn Notice: Signals and Codes

This week, Michael Westen reluctantly takes on a client unlike anyone he has helped before…because this client is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and not all of his dogs are barking. The guy’s name is Spencer, and he’s a paranoid, neurotic, rambling math genius/plant waterer that believes that aliens exist among us. He’s loony…but like Jerry Fletcher from Conspiracy Theory, he’s right about one thing, and it’s something big.

He swarms Michael and Sam coming out of the shooting range (where Sam fires a clip and makes a martini glass grouping, an homage to the famous shooting range scene in Lethal Weapon where Martin Riggs shoots a smiley face). Spencer says that he found Michael after analyzing patterns he observed in violent crimes concentrated around Miami and figured Michael for “the guy, some kind of special ops guy.” Michael tries to avoid him, but Spencer starts attracting attention and yelling about who Michael is to passersby. Michael shoves him in the car and they drive away before Spencer can do any more damage.

Spencer works at a large government contract defense firm (did I mention that he waters the plants?) and claims that the vice president is a killer and is going to strike next in Malaysia. Michael asks him for proof, so they go to visit Spencer’s abode, which is covered with newspapers detailing killings from around the world. Spencer says that there is a pattern hidden in all of these killings that connects them, and aliens are involved. Michael is about to give up in frustration when Sam of all people realizes that if you substitute aliens with spies, Spencer is actually on to something.

Shannon Park, the aforementioned defense firm vice president, is selling the identity of spies from all over the world to the highest bidder. She gets paid while the spies get dead. It’s all sorta like the whole thing with the NOC list from the first Mission: Impossible movie. It turns out that Sam and Michael even know and have worked with some of the spies she has gotten killed. So they have to get into Shannon’s office and hack her supposedly unhackable computer passwords and/or get enough dirt on her to stop her.

They go for the whole classic diversion plan. Sam poses as a teamwork consultant, one of those all-too-real nimrods who gets paid to go into professional organizations and do teambuilding drills and give slideshow presentations with helpful and “fun” mnemonic devices. He whisks everyone off to the conference room, including Shannon, promising ice cream cake and fun. Michael and Spencer then take that opportunity to break into Shannon’s vacant office.

Michael and Spencer can’t break the codes on her computer, and with time running out, Michael calls in Fiona to help calm Spencer down and come up with a new plan. The new plan is to just copy the encrypted emails, and, while not knowing what they say, use them to scare Shannon into thinking that there is a leak and trick her into providing the decoding and evidence herself.

This is an unusual, more cerebral episode of the show, but we still get a couple of explosions. How they manage to afford blowing something up in every episode, I have no idea, but I’m sure not complaining. No matter how many explosions I see onscreen, they never stop being any less cool.

The B storyline this week involves Michael trying to track down a field agent and trying to make friends and convince him to pull some strings and get him back in the game. Michael’s steadfast devotion to getting his old job back continues to drive Fiona away. She keeps trying to guilt him out of going back, asking him why can’t he just be happy with her and his new life. He tells her that he needs to do more work like the work he’s doing with Spencer: saving American lives. It’s the job he was born to do and it’s vital to who he is. Instead of avoiding or trying to deflect her, he stands up to Fiona and says that if she cares about him, she should damn well want him to get his old job back too. Of course then we get some Fiona waterworks, which make me cringe. I’d rather just see her shoot someone. She’s too tough to do that sissy crying crap. At least it’s only for a few seconds at the very end of the episode. All for now.

Season 3, Episode 5:  Signals and Codes (originally aired July 9, 2009)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of Glenn Watson, NBC Universal, and USA

Year One – Very Silly

Wow. This was probably the silliest movie I’ve seen in some time.  I’m not sure how it saw the light of day, quite honestly.  Jack Black (Nacho Libre) and Michael Cera (Superbad, Juno) are funny dudes, and that helped – but the material had all the weight of a feather.  Set in some unknown time long long ago, the movie follows Zed and Oh as they trek across the ancient land searching for adventure.  They are forced to flee their village after Zed accidentally burns it to the ground.  While on their journey they encounter various biblical and historical figures, while escaping slavery and attempting to rescue their love interests, Maya and Eema from the evil clutches of the King of Sodom. Yep, Sodom. Of Sodom and Gomorrah .

Black and Cera have good comedic chemistry, and Cera in particular has great timing and delivery.  Jack Black is a fool, and he just seems like he’d be fun to be around.  Nothing was really wrong with the movie, it was just stupid.  And not funny enough to get away with being so stupid.  It was a totally non-descript movie.  So inconsequential I’m not even sure you’d watch it on TV or allow it to be anything more than background noise.  Save your money, it’s not worth it unless you really like Black or Cera, which I don’t think describes anyone over the age of 20. If you insist, don’t go sober.

See Robin’s review here!

The Proposal: I Do!. . .if there’s nothing better out. . .

I don’t think I’m giving anything away when I tell you that Ryan Reynolds takes his shirt off in this movie. But not even that money shot is worth a recommendation to go see The Proposal.

This movie will make you laugh. The initial premise is refreshingly different: a hard-hearted female publisher threatened with deportation to Canada blackmails her long-suffering assistant into marrying her for a visa. However, the execution falls quickly into romantic comedy clichés and predictable circumstances. Essentially, we have one long episode of a sitcom here.

Let’s quickly discuss the highlights. Sandra Bullock surprises as being kind of likeable in this film. Hopefully her run as a hardened, bitter, “strong” woman is coming to an end because she’s so much better at comedy. She possesses a talent for drama, but she grows stale and less interesting in that genre. I’d even love to see her back in action movies, as long as she learns to laugh again.

Next, we have Ryan Reynolds, and not just because of his abs. His delivery and dry sense of humor save the film and allows Bullock to take some chances with an austere character. Some might say that Reynolds plays the same part in all his movies – I might say that. But that’s why we watch Ryan Reynolds – we are guaranteed to enjoy ourselves and laugh, no matter how much of a drama the film is supposed to be. I’m totally rooting for a Deadpool movie even though Marvel massacred the character.

Then, finally we have Oscar Nunez, who is hilarious. Everyone in the theater thought so, so it’s not just me giving a shout out to a favorite Reno 911 guest star. To say more would be to ruin a wonderful supporting part.

Betty White, Mary Steenburgen, and Craig T. Nelson round out the supporting cast, a trio of excellent actors forced into bit parts with no opportunity to act. You could cast unknowns in the parts of Reynolds’ parents and you’d have the same performances. It’s a shame, because Nelson can play a well-rounded, somber, funny patriarch without needing to dominate screen time. And for that matter, why aren’t we watching more Craig T. Nelson anyway? Though the same applies for White’s Grandmother role, she brings slightly more to the part, simply by being Betty White and talking about things like “the baby-maker” blanket.

What you have in The Proposal is a good DVD rental, so that you have the opportunity to fast forward through the scenes where Reynolds and Bullock aren’t the main focus. Their chemistry is great – more as a comedic pair than as a romantic pair, as they both have a knack for making clichéd moments and dialogue funny. While you’ll get more than a few laughs out of the film, you’re more than likely checking off the plot points as you watch: “here’s where they don’t get along,” “here’s where they start to like each other,” “here’s where they start to care about each other,” and “here’s …” wait, what? They’re already in love after three days? Who cares? The movie’s finally over!

Maybe I had high expectations because the trailer looked so good, but The Proposal disappoints. The best laughs come when the film tries something genuinely different or surprising (the rap-chant, is all I’ll say), and becomes laughably ridiculous when it caters to the clichés. For heaven’s sake, it’s practically the same ending as Bullock’s While You Were Sleeping (easily my favorite Bullock movie). Still, if you like romantic comedies, I suggest you go for it. It looks ten times better than that Katherine Heigl mess, plus, The Proposal spawned this excellent video! Betty White is a seething demon!

Public Enemies: In Which Johnny Depp and Christian Bale Attempt to Out-Cool Each Other for Two and a Half Hours

Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the eccentricities of the world and see Johnny Depp in his slicked-back mode (see also: Finding Neverland, Chocolat, The Libertine, and all those other “grown-up” movies he does now and then to keep things interesting). Whereas when it comes to Christian Bale, he’s pretty much always in slicked-back mode (unless he’s in freakishly-disturbing-yet-still-entertaining-Internet-meme mode), so watching him perform is always comforting and familiar and very, very satisfying.

And the combination of these two cucumber-cool not-really-opposing forces is rather mesmerizing. Watching Public Enemies, there’s almost always someone on the screen who’s doing something that’s fun to watch.

Which is good, because otherwise the movie is kind of hit or miss.

It’s a biopic of John Dillinger, a Depression-era bank robber who became a folk hero because back then people thought it was neat when you stuck it to the man. Depp plays Dillinger; Bale plays Melvin Purvis, the FBI agent assigned to hunt Dillinger down.

And there are also a ton of other people in there. It’s one of those movies that’s full of white guys who all look alike. And it’s even worse here than it was in, like, The Departed, because here they all wear the same outfits (black hat, black coat, white shirt, brown holster, shiny shoes – hey, it was the ‘30s). It also doesn’t help that they all have names like “Baby Face” and “Pretty Boy.” In fact, there are so many of these guys and they’re styled so similarly that I didn’t realize until I visited IMDB that various gangsters were played by actors I like, including Giovanni Ribisi and David Wenham.  And Billy Crudup played J. Edgar Hoover! Totally didn’t even recognize him with the slicked-down ‘do.

John Dillinger was, at least according to this movie, the variety of criminal who was ruthless when he needed to be but had a conscience and was overall a very decent guy. And Melvin Purvis could be described in much the same way. Purvis allows suspects to be tortured, but then he feels kind of bad about it. Dillinger beats people up and throws them outside moving vehicles sometimes, but only when they really deserve it, and if a pretty female hostage looks cold he’ll gallantly give her his coat before he ties her to a tree in the woods and leaves her there. They’re all perfect gentlemen when you get down to it.

And several sequences in the movie are best described as “awesome.” Naturally, all of them were of the action variety – prison breaks, bank robberies, and a very cool sequence at the end that I won’t spoil except to note that it starts off with, of all people, Leelee Sobieski (remember her?).  Those were sit-up-and-grin sequences, the kind of moments that are the reason people go see movies – to watch something happen on screen that simply represents delightful storytelling, brilliantly executed by a good director and great actors, revolving around an intriguing larger story.

The problem is, there weren’t enough of those moments in Public Enemies. With a movie like this, I want a boom-boom-boom Bourne-Identity-style story, where the hits keep coming one after the other. This movie has lots of long pauses where groups of, like, 20 identical guys hang out in movie theaters plotting their next heist, which is never quite as lucrative as they think it’s going to be. Plus, partly as a result of all the aforementioned identicalness among the male characters, some of the action sequences are hard to follow. There’s one very long sequence at night, in some woods, where everyone is driving around in identical black cars and wearing identical black clothes and hats and the automatic weapons are blaring at everyone and I knew Johnny Depp and Christian Bale were in there and I was pretty sure neither of them was dead yet but so many people were bleeding all over the place that it was hard to tell.

Also, I should mention that there was a B-plot romance. It was more fully fleshed than I expected for such a guy-centered movie, but it still wasn’t particularly engaging. Marion Cotillard was great though, and made me care about a character whom I initially had no intention of caring about.

There are lots of reasons I’m glad I’m not currently living in 1933, and this movie hit on several. Not to say that I think our current law enforcement system is perfect in any way, but I’m pretty sure that in 2009 I’m unlikely to have FBI agents randomly break into my apartment and start shooting out the window at people in the street who may or may not be alleged gangsters, if only because they wouldn’t want to deal with the paperwork for the inevitable lawsuit.

Speaking of which, has anyone ever made a biopic of J. Edgar Hoover? I’ve only ever seen him portrayed one way, both in fiction and in documentaries, and I want to know more about the guy. He must have been multidimensional. Public Enemies does a decent job of showing that he wasn’t just a psycho, that he had motivating factors for the things he did (in this case, trying desperately to get John Dillinger by any means necessary for the sake of the fledgling FBI’s PR issues). But J.E.H. had a partner, right? Someone liked him enough to put up with him. There had to be more going on with him than unethical careerism.

And finally, as a side note, if you’re ever in D.C. on a Tuesday night and you have a hankering to go see a movie that you would like to actually hear and/or pay attention to, do not, I repeat, do not go to the $5 special at the Union Station AMC. You’ll thank me someday for warning you. I will not read you my full list of grievances from the experience that was attempting to follow Public Enemies in such an environment, but suffice to say I might at least have noticed David Wenham were I not cowering in fear of the passel of screaming six-year-olds stampeding up and down the aisle for the entire show.

So You Think You Can Dance: In Which Brandon and Janette Rule the World

It’s top 12 week! Which means we’re about to cut two people and leave us with the top 10, at which point the competition changes and we’re voting for individuals but people are still dancing in pairs, or something like that. What, I never claimed I knew anything about this show.

So, since my predictions are always wrong, let’s make some new ones, shall we?

The following pairs have never been in the bottom three yet:
•    Randi and Evan
•    Melissa and Ade
•    Brandon and Janette

I think it’s safe to say that all of those people will continue on to the top 10. Even if they land in the bottom three this week, I assume the judges will give them another chance. After all, we’ve never gotten an indication that the judges secretly hate any of them and are waiting for a chance to axe them. And I don’t give these judges much credit for subtlety.

Of the dancers who have been in the bottom three:

•    Kayla and Phillip are obviously safe.
•    Caitlin and Jason have been in the bottom three more than once, and have both narrowly escaped getting cut in the past. And I strongly suspect that if they’d wound up in the bottom three last week, that would’ve been the last we’d seen of them.
•    Kupono… I’m not sure about Kupono. I would’ve said he was a goner, but the judges seemed quite taken with him last week.
•    Jeanine I think is probably safe. The judges seem to like her, but she’s constantly overshadowed by Phillip. I can’t see them keeping Caitlin and getting rid of Jeanine if they had the choice, but who knows who’ll wind up in the bottom three this week.

So, through very simple process of elimination, I predict that our top 10 will consist of everyone but Caitlin and Jason. However, if those two don’t end up in the bottom three we could be into a wild card situation. (Unless the judges rig the results to put Caitlin and Jason into the bottom three no matter what, but, since 19 Productions has already reaped the PR penalty for poor Kris Allen’s Textgate, I don’t think they would do that.) So, the obvious potential wild cards are Kupono and Jeanine. And, if worst comes to worst and the bottom three consists entirely of the judges’ favorites, I can also see them eliminating Ade and/or Janette, simply because they’ve gotten less attention so far than some of the others. (Although I would cry for days if Janette didn’t make it to the top 10.)

All right, let’s get started.

Cat is wearing a little black dress and has her hair up. Or did she get it cut? No way, she can’t do that mid-season, the Fox people wouldn’t have let her. She looks awesome with it up though. You know, if I could be reincarnated as anyone in the world I think I would want to be reincarnated as Cat Deeley.

Intro dances. Randi’s in a unitard again. Evan is in a jeans variation of his usual outfit. Janette is doing backbends and generally looking awesome. Melissa thinks it’s 1984 and she’s in Dirty Dancing. (I suspect this may actually be a recurring problem for Melissa.) Brandon does a more awesome than usual flip. Kupono is rocking the guyliner. Evan’s gangster walk gets funnier every week. The part where they all dance off the stage into Cat always looks really awkward. Don’t the contestants know that when Cat’s on stage we don’t care about them anymore?

Oh my lord, the shows are still two hours long? We’re only going to get six performances tonight and that’s going to take up two hours? I mostly like this show, but look, I’m a busy lady.

Tyce is this week’s guest judge. I vaguely recall liking him during his previous appearances, even though so far I haven’t been into his choreographed routines thus far. Sounds like this is his first time officially judging so we’ll see how that goes.

First, Melissa and Ade, doing disco choreographed by Doriana Sanchez. Melissa, predictably, has never done disco before. Maybe they’ll let Ade keep his pick in for this one. Melissa and Ade have developed some strong-looking off-screen chemistry, I must say.

Melissa’s performance outfit looks more like something a figure skater would wear than a disco queen, but what do I know. I was born in the height of the disco era but oddly enough the infant care centers of Roanoke, Virginia, were not teeming with sources of disco knowledge for me to acquire. Ade, on the other hand, looks astonishing in his sparkly suit (no pick though). They’re dancing really fast and it’s cool. I’m not really getting a disco vibe from it, other than the music and the costumes and the lights, but they both look fantastic, just like always, and again like always they do some amazing lifts involving Melissa being more flexible than any human being has a right to be. Then Melissa falls down at the end. Whoops.

Nigel loved it. He fills some time by talking about ballet and then compliments Melissa for falling cutely. Mary screams half-heartedly, and Tyce helps her out. Mary points out the difficulty of the lifts and notes that Ade “just let go” for the first time. Really? I haven’t been noticing much restraint in Ade thus far. Tyce says the performance was “friggin great” and compliments Melissa’s growth and her body, which didn’t bother me because he said it in a kind, non-gross way. (And lest you think I’m giving him a free pass unjustly, let it be known that I have heard plenty of gay men compliment women’s bodies in gross ways before.)

Next, Kayla and Kupono, doing a contemporary routine choreographed by Mia. It’s about Addiction, symbolized by a sinister smirking Kupono. Kupono has issues with playing this character due to his past experiences with family and friends who struggled with addiction. I feel for him, but I suspect Mia is thrilled with this added significance to her choreography (although I’m sure she considered it very powerful already).

The dance starts, and Kayla is wearing an outfit that is not appropriate for an 18-year-old. Am I seriously the only one bothered by this? Is there something magical about her having passed that birthday that makes this not offensive? Also, she’s wearing no makeup or made up to look like she’s wearing no makeup, and her hair is wet and stringy, and thus she would be unrecognizable as Kayla were it not for the helpful caption. The dance involves a lot of Kayla being a rag doll, which seems to happen to her a lot. The addiction concept comes across very clearly in the performance, which I can’t remember thinking before about a dance on this show that was supposed to be directly symbolic like this. They’re both acting pretty well, especially Kupono, who it turns out is very good at smirking sinisterly. Overall, it’s very convincing. And rather dark. Creepy, even.

Nigel calls the choreography powerful and says Kayla and Kupono were brilliant, but he doesn’t like that Kayla’s hair is always in her face. Kupono looks choked up now that it’s over. Mary compliments Kupono’s intensity and says he’s always good at staying in character, and that Kayla has been flawless every week, and puts them on her train. Tyce sucks up to Mia and compliments Kayla and Kupono’s acting. Then he says Kupono could be “stronger in your body” and calls Kayla a beast. I hadn’t noticed Kupono’s weird cravat thing, hmm.

Next, Jason and Caitlin, doing the foxtrot choreographed by Tony Meredith and Melanie Lapatin. Caitlin is happy to get to be a girly-girl, which I can certainly understand after last week. And she looks gorgeous, as always, in her outfit, doing the spangly rich-lady look that I’m currently associating with Public Enemies. The dance is kind of dull though, except for a couple of cool lifts. And their smiles look very fakely plastered on, but I wonder if that’s intentional? Maybe that’s the style for the foxtrot.

Nigel says Caitlin had a Grace Kelly vibe and made the tough stuff look easy. Then he compliments Jason’s footwork. Mary agrees that the style suits them but doesn’t really shriek or put them on her train. Then Tyce and Mary have a snapping competition and he kicks her butt. Tyce says Jason and Caitlin looked like stars and tells Caitlin she could have “glided more.”

Next, Jeanine and Phillip, doing Russian folk dance (well, obviously) choreographed by Youri Nelzine and Lilia Babenko. Phillip’s rehearsal footage is hilarious. As are their performance outfits.

Man, Phillip is lucky he’s guaranteed a spot in the top 10. He looks like he’s just bopping around with a lot of makeup on. This dance is like something you’d see at Epcot. Okay, maybe it’s totally authentic, I have no idea, but it looks like they’re doing a parody. I think it’s mainly Phillip’s facial expressions and just general freaky Phillip-ness that’s causing that. Jeanine looks like she’s giving it her all, but Phillip looks like he’s biting his lip to keep from laughing. At the end they do a pot stir but it’s nowhere near as fast as the one that one couple did during audition rounds.

Nigel gives them a slow clap, and points out the difficulty of the dance. Then he announces that he regrets assigning it to them, although he adores Phillip and so adds the qualification that “it’s nothing to do with your dancing.” No, no, nothing at all. He insults the choreography and says it was “a little too folky.” Jeanine is near tears. Nigel points out some good footwork by Phillip and says Jeanine is beautiful. I’m pretty sure Jeanine already knows that and would rather have been complimented on her footwork but I’m also sure Nigel wouldn’t believe me on that point. Mary compliments a particular sequence by each of them, starting with Jeanine, so that hopefully helps some. Mary points out that any random person off the street couldn’t have done that dance, and says the routine just wasn’t hard enough. Make up your mind, Mary. Was it too challenging or not challenging enough? Then she says they have another routine to do. They do? Oh, good. That explains why Cat seems so hyper about moving everyone around speedily. Tyce wants to “honor the dancer” and says Jeanine and Phillip executed the dance well.

Next, Randi and Evan, doing hip-hop choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. The story behind their performance is that Randi and Evan are a young couple who just learned that Randi’s pregnant. Poor Randi is distressed by this, and I’m not sure why. Randi seems to be way more self-conscious about most things than the other contestants. I feel for her, though. And, wait, I take that back, because some of the others – Brandon comes to mind – also do give off a strong self-conscious vibe. The difference is, Brandon et al don’t talk about that. They do as they’re told without admitting that it makes them uncomfortable. Not saying either way of handling these things is better or worse. Just saying.

The dance begins, and oh, this is really cute. Evan is way into the acting aspect of it, as Evan tends to be (and rightly so, since it’s definitely his strong suit. Well, that and jumping over people’s heads. Oh, and the gangster walk from the opening). Randi is also great at the acting, which is interesting since it doesn’t seem to go with her personality. Aww, this is adorable. I’m barely even noticing the dancing because I’m into the story they’re telling. Which is the point, right? Awwww! I think they’re not completely in sync, but I don’t care. Also I like that their costumes make them look like relatively normal people.

Nigel points out that their routine included a few lifts, which one shouldn’t be doing if one is pregnant. Good point, actually. He also notes that Tabitha and Napoleon didn’t require Randi and Evan to “be urban,” but instead wrote a routine that better fit Randi and Evan’s personalities. That’s interesting, if it’s true. Mary says she was expecting a train wreck (why does Mary have such low expectations of everyone?) and compliments Evan for not falling down. Then she gives a very brief shriek. Tyce loved the storytelling, and thinks Evan needs to “find more” and “come out and really explore what this is.” He says Randi did “a very good job.” Tyce is not a very helpful judge.

Next, Brandon and Janette, doing an Argentine tango. Awesome! There is no one in the world I’d rather see do an Argentine tango than Brandon and Janette. Their choreographers are Leonardo Barrionuevo and Miriam Larici. Brandon tells us the dance exudes sex. Oh, Brandon.

The dance begins, and man, Brandon cleans up well. He’s wearing a suit with a shirt that’s actually buttoned, and the persona to go with it. Janette also of course looks amazing and mucho glamorous in a red dress that’s totally covered in the front with a way open back. Janette does some awesome stuff with her legs that I’m sure the judges will explain. Wow, she’s amazing. As, to be fair, is Brandon, although for once you can tell from looking that this isn’t his usual style. They’re both beautifully in character. Love it love it love it.

All three judges, led by Nigel, give them a standing ovation. Wow, really? Well, I don’t know what the tango is supposed to look like but I guess that was it. Nigel says it was the most perfect ballroom routine that’s ever been done on the show. Mary is dumb but screams nonetheless. She puts them on her train and tries to hit on Brandon. Poor Mary is always on the wrong track. Tyce humors her, then calls Brandon and Janette a “power couple,” which seems like a very appropriate description for them. Then he talks about orange juice and Brandon and Janette pretend to understand. Does anyone else think the judges are maybe high?

Before the next set of performances, Cat breaks the news to us that next week the partners will be switching. So now we get interview packages where the contestants tell us what they’ll miss about their partners. I strongly suspect that there will not be any interesting information in these interviews but if there is, rest assured I’ll mention it. The partner switching will be fun though. Poor Evan will be stuck dancing with a woman who’s like six inches taller than him, and you know they’ll totally put her in stilettos. And maybe when Kayla’s partnered with someone as good as she supposedly is I’ll be able to see her awesomeness for myself.

First up are Melissa and Ade. They love each other and will miss each other. Enlightening. They’re doing a waltz choreographed by Ron Montez. Wow, Ade looks good. The dance is pretty and kind of boring. Melissa’s dress is distractingly swirly and not in a good way. They do some amazing lifts, like they always do. They’re both smiling a lot, which is nice. Ade does some spinning that I don’t associate with waltzes but I do associate with Ade.

Nigel compliments the choreography and the benefits of Melissa’s classical training and Ade’s strength. The judges really need to come up with new things to say about Melissa and Ade. Maybe the new partners will help with that. Mary says it was beautiful but says Ade’s footwork wasn’t powerful enough, and that Melissa is peaking at the perfect time. You know, with all the love for Melissa that’s been shown from day one I wonder why they don’t openly gush at her like they do for Kayla. I think they don’t want Melissa to win. I can see that it would go against the premise of this show, which is way more based on hip-hop and “contemporary” and whatnot, for a trained classical ballerina to outshine everyone at everything. But if that’s the case they should never have put her into the top 20. Tyce says something I don’t understand about how Ade is so good he doesn’t look impressive.

Next, Kayla and Kupono, doing Broadway choreographed by Joey Dowling. Their story is love at first sight on a rooftop. How do you randomly see someone for the first time on a rooftop? They complain, as Randi and Evan did before them, that Joey is hard to follow. Hmm.

The dance is to a song from West Side Story. I guess if you live in the West Side Story universe then falling in love on a rooftop does make some kind of sense. As does the period-ish outfits they’ve got on, although Maria would never have gone out in a skirt as short as Kayla’s. The love they fall in is of a very playful, young variety, with lots of giggling and hiding. The steps feel kind of simple, though. And they’re kind of overacting. But I guess their first number was too stressful for them to put a ton of acting energy into this one. And in any case, it’s nice to see Kayla relatively clothed.

Nigel says the performance was lacking the ‘60s emotion he remembers from his own days of falling in love on rooftops. He points out that they weren’t in character enough, which was basically my issue too. They danced it well though, he says. The audience boos, but I mean hey, someone has to be in the bottom three. Mary says they did a good job but could’ve done more. Tyce compliments Joey’s choreography and talks about how awesome West Side Story is, and says Kayla and Kupono didn’t go far enough into the journey or something.

Next, Caitlin and Jason, doing lyrical jazz choreographed by Mandy Moore. This is the specialty style of them both, apparently, so they’re psyched, but I assume the expectations will be high as a result.

The dance begins, and I’m distracted by Jason’s prominent pectoral muscles. Funny, I think we’ve probably seen Jason’s nipples in more than half of the routines they’ve done. I’d be glad that they were giving the men relatively equal nudity to that given the women, but I don’t recall ever seen Phillip or Evan unclothed (and no, Phillip’s ripped pants don’t count). The dance is indeed quite cool, and you can tell this is their thing. It’s just very pretty. Lots of leaps, lots of spins and writhing around on the floor and Caitlin sticking her legs out artfully. It also looks very romantic. I didn’t really get into it, though.

Nigel notes that they put a lot of work into it but that he doesn’t always see chemistry between them. Yeah, me neither. Mary says she sees chemistry between them but the dance wasn’t magical enough. She tells Jason he’s cute and says Caitlin is very strong but the performance wasn’t memorable – just “very good.” I kind of wish the judges would be harsher on this show. Do they always love everyone, but just with different degrees of love, like here? Or is this just for this season? Tyce says Jason and Caitlin played it safe and need to take it further. Tyce is all about telling people stuff like that without explaining what he means or how they should go about doing what he suggests.

Three more routines to go. And we’re already 3,000 words in. Oh boy.

Next, Jeanine and Phillip, doing the jive, choreographed by Tony and Meredith. Their story is that Phillip is a sailor who’s just come back to town, and Jeanine is either his wife or his mistress or a local prostitute (that part’s never made clear). The dance involves booty grabs and chest shimmies, which Phillip delights in telling us about and Jeanine is clearly relishing.

The dance is cool, although I’m distracted at first because I don’t see any sort of sailor coming back to town stuff happening, and their costumes have nothing to do with being a sailor or sailor’s wife/mistress/whatever, and there is a lot more overt chest shimmying than I was expecting. Once I rewind and pay more attention, though, I do like it. The audience seems to be very into it, which I don’t remember noticing in any routine before now. Huh. Not really sure what to think.

Nigel liked the choreography and says this is the best Phillip has been so far outside of hip-hop. He also points out that Phillip slipped and looked nervous, neither of which I noticed. He says he hopes Jeanine makes it to the top 10, which I think basically guarantees she will. Then Mary says the same thing, so that must be nice to Jeanine to literally have a free pass. Mary says she expected Phillip to fall down and be out of the show. What is up with this expecting people to fall down? Melissa’s the only one who’s fallen down tonight, and everyone just seemed to think that was cute. Then Mary shrieks about Jeanine and puts her on her train. Tyce says “I say call 1-888-fan-friggin-tastic.” Oh, Tyce, you need a writer. See if you can borrow Paula Abdul’s.

Next, Randi and Evan are doing a “sultry samba” choreographed by Pasha Kovalev and Anya Garnis. They are told to be “raw” and “wild” and the focus is all on their hips, which both of them are nervous about. Poor Randi feels really silly. Evan notes that this is out of Randi’s comfort zone. Uh, what is in Randi’s comfort zone? Fox.com/dance says her specialty is jazz/contemporary. I think maybe she’s just happier doing solos.

The dance is… uh. They’re in animal prints, with Randi showing a lot of midriff and Evan showing as much pasty white chest as Evan ever shows. He, as usual, is playing the part quite well, but Randi actually does look kind of nervous at times. The dance is cool and intricate, and Randi’s fantastic, but the dance is just so non-Evan that it’s kind of hard to watch. Evan makes some hilarious “intense” faces. He’s really going for this. Okay, I’m getting used to it, and enjoying this. It’s nothing compared to what the real ballroom dancers can do though. Man, I wish Asuka were still around. It’s a crime that we never got to see her dance with Max.

Nigel says “Hmmm” at first, then points out Evan’s character was very much not Evan. He says the dance “wasn’t as hot as I would like it.” Also, he mentions that Pasha and Anya were once contestants on this show, which is interesting. Mary says it was “a slow sizzle,” if not hot, and not dynamic enough. Evan looks really sad. Tyce interrupts Mary and tells Evan to do more research next time and says Randi carried the routine. Mary cuts back in to call Randi a hot tamale.

And finally, Janette and Brandon are doing a jazz routine by Wade Robson. Oh no, not the crash test dummies guy. In their interview they note that Janette brought Brandon out of his shell. That’s interesting. It explains why I only recently started liking Brandon. The dance is about two thieves. Brandon is calculated and Janette is crazy. I will say for Wade Robson that I like that his routines aren’t all about sex.

Then, the dance starts, and it is very cool. Lots of jumping and prancing. Way more fun than the dummies. I think it helps that Brandon and Janette both so incredibly excellent, too, and you can really tell watching it. Also the song they’re dancing to isn’t one I’ve heard before, but it’s perfect. They’re always perfectly in sync even when they aren’t looking at each other, which I would imagine is a very hard thing to pull off. You can sort of tell from the way they’re moving, too, that they’re giving this performance their own spin ever so slightly – it’s evident from the way Janette struts, for example, that she’s throwing in a little Latin flavor, and Brandon spins ever so slightly when the opportunity presents itself. They’re acting, too, in that way-overacting way that you do with this kind of performance.

Nigel loved it and loves their versatility. He especially calls out Janette for this and points out that Brandon overcame his initial Mia-related disadvantage. He also compliments Janette for keeping up with Brandon, who’s had more training than she has. I hate it when they talk about “keeping up” with one’s partner. Nigel and Mary both say they’re the best couple of the night. Aren’t they kind of always the best couple? Mary howls some more and then the drugs start to hit her and Cat has to shut her up. Tyce tells Brandon and Janette that they “have that thing.” He points out that they don’t act like victims of their choreography, they just do whatever’s handed to them, which is an interesting point, especially when you compare them to, say, Phillip and Jeanine.

So, assuming they do a bottom three again, I’m guessing Jason and Caitlin, Kayla and Kupono, and… I always say Randi and Evan but it never happens, so let’s say Phillip and Jeanine because of the Russian folk dance. Which is fine, because Jeanine has an explicit free pass and Phillip has an implicit one. (Although if anyone could’ve pulled off the Russian folk dance it would’ve totally been Randi and Evan. And so, for that matter, could have Brandon and Janette, because those two literally can do anything.)

Results night. Cat’s wearing a pretty blue-and-gold dress. I would be curious to know how closely Cat works with her stylist and whether she ever chooses her own ensembles.

The group dance is some sort of militaryesque thing, with the women of course in half-shirts and heavy eye makeup. Everyone’s in berets. I describe the outfits because I have no idea how to describe the dancing. They’re jumping over each other a lot. The crowd screams when Phillip moves his fingers. I don’t know. I’m just impressed that they learned this, and also two other partner dances, in this amount of time. Janette does something crazy and cool at the end, and then everyone dies except Jason. Okay, sure. At the end, they all salute Cat, so I guess it was indeed supposed to be military. Oh, okay, it was choreographed by Tabitha and Napoleon. For some reason now it all makes sense.

Cat informs us that today is Nigel’s 60th birthday. I like that he allowed the number to be revealed (assuming it’s the truth). He then makes a joke about Mary and Botox, but I think Mary liked the attention. Then Nigel says they wanted to do a Michael Jackson tribute on the show but they weren’t able to get the music cleared. That sucks.

Cat also informs us that next week the judges won’t be involved in the elimination process. Oh good. The judges are understandably bitter about this but I’m glad it’s not lasting any longer. All this “We love every single one of you! But we love some of you slightly less than others!” commentary is pretty useless.

Outfits! Less exciting as there are now fewer of them, but our old reliables are still there. Caitlin’s in a prettier tutu than usual and has some astonishing abs. Jason is at least not wearing shorts this time. Jeanine looks awful, which is not easy for her to do but man has she ever pulled it off in this gold hooker dress. Evan is doing the suspenders look this time. Melissa is in a sports bra and black tightie-whities. Everyone else looks relatively normal.

The bottom three are Jason and Caitlin, Phillip and Jeanine, and Melissa and Ade. Wow, really? Ade and Melissa don’t look quite as shocked as I would expect, but maybe they’re just good actors. Well, that pretty much removes any suspense that may have remained about whether Jason and Caitlin would be eliminated.

Nigel takes a moment to explain that the judges have already made up their minds about who they’re cutting before the contestants even dance for their 30 seconds of shame. Okay, well, honesty is always good. Or maybe he’s saying this in an attempt to make up for having given Jeanine a free pass last night. Which I do think is pretty awful for them to have done.

Cat gives us a sneak preview of next season’s audition rounds. I cannot think of anything in the world I want to watch less than the auditions for the next season of SYTYCD. I would rather watch New in Town again. Frankly. I might even prefer to watch More to Love. Ugh, now I’m grossing myself out.

Time for the 30 seconds of shame. I’m all thrown off because I was expecting to see a professional performance first, but I guess that audition footage was all we’re getting. Thanks, Fox. Caitlin, who surely must have given up by now, nonetheless does some pretty spins and jumps and such. I wait for the gymnastics and it comes at the end. Then she smiles cutely, because that’s what you do when you know you’re done. Jason jumps around sans shirt, throwing in every spin and strut and head bob and pec flex he can think of. Bless him for trying. Jeanine’s outfit is so distracting it’s hard to focus on the jumps she’s doing, not that it matters what she does. They should kick her off for that outfit alone. I think Jeanine may have lost my love. Phillip does his usual thing, and is fantastic. I do wish he wouldn’t dislocate his shoulders so much because it freaks me out. Melissa dances en pointe in a non-ballet outfit to a non-ballet song and I don’t like it as much as I did when she played Juliet, but it was still cool. Ade dances to a song consisting of computer sounds. I have no idea how to describe the dancing but it looks cool, and he does some gymnastics stuff I didn’t know he could do, I guess because it’s never fit in with any of the routines he and Melissa have done.

Next we get a performance by DJ David Guetta and I Ain’t No Kelly Rowland and some dancing dudes. I know nothing about any of these people, or this song, and I have no opinion about any of it, and anyway I have to go rescue my cat, who has somehow trapped himself in a cardboard moving box.

The judges are unanimous on the women. They think they’re all fantastic, but they’re eliminating Caitlin. Lots of hugs and standing ovations. We see Megan in the crowd, crying. Aww.

They’re unanimous with the men too, and again think they’re all brilliant, and they’re sending Phillip home. Whoa! Did they do that just to surprise us? They say it’s because Phillip isn’t as good in non-hip-hop genres. I’m really shocked. Seriously, is Jason better than Phillip? I can’t think of anything that’s particularly impressed me about Jason, but Phillip really is amazing at the hip-hop.

Cat lets Phillip go off on a rant at the end, and he does, and rambles and rambles and rambles about some random stuff. They she asks Caitlin if she’s happy and Caitlin says “Yes, very,” and that’s all they have time for from Caitlin. Jason is sobbing, aww.

Next week, the format of the show changes, so join me as I once again try to piece things together while not really paying that much attention to anything but the outfits and Cat Deeley.

Season 5, Episodes 14&15: Top 12 (originally aired July 8&9, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

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