Rescue Me: As Painful as Ear Chemotherapy

This week on Rescue Me, I’m less offended!

And so, it’s finally time for the Apache Stone concert to benefit Sean Garrity and his cancer bills. We briefly visit the Born Again Alcoholics of the Gavin family. In case you forgot, they were all drinking again. Apache Stone plays and they’re not that bad, if you like soft rock a la Lifehouse, which I don’t, but still. The crew hates the music, in case that’s relevant later (i.e. no, it won’t be).

Carla’s friends show up (but no Carla). There’s a gaggle of beautiful lesbians in the room – the pretty kind that guys fantasize about – until later, when a bunch of butch lesbians arrive. I stopped paying attention, but somehow, the guys and Franco deduce that these are Carla’s friends, not the lipsticks. Jokes at Franco’s expense ensue.

Also at the bar is Mrs. Needles, the hot, shaven Russian mail order bride of Mr. Needles. She’s a bit of a horndog and gets wasted, making out with all kinds of lesbians all over the room. The crew pry her away from a girl-on-girl make-out session, lose her outside (but she starts giving random blowjobs, so you know – not a complete waste), then take her back to the firehouse to deliver to Mr. Needles. There, she sexually harasses Black Shawn until Needles agrees that he and Tommy are square, since Tommy stepped in to do Needles a personal favor.

Or something.

Oh, and Franco breaks up with Carla for being a lesbian (I guess?) and Lou has accepted Candy’s offer of marriage. Tommy is the last to know. Lou’s all drunk and a mess at the bar, and I have to admit, pretty funny.

The next morning, Sheila shows up with a cake to exact revenge on whoever is responsible for Damien’s arrival home passed out in his underwear. I thought Damien moved in with the Brainiac duo of Mike and Garrity? But then there’s a fire call, so she waits for them to return and the boys take off. Only to run into Janet who stopped by to visit Tommy because there’s a problem with Katy. Tommy tries to send her home, but the guys have his back, and by that, I mean that they send Janet into the kitchen where Sheila’s slicing cake to await their return.

So Sheila and Janet have this long, drawn out staring contest where they text words to each other like “Cunf.” They’re all, “If you want my husband so badly, why don’t you just take him?” and “If you want your husband so badly, why haven’t you taken him back?” And I would have laid money down that the producers would have had these two pulling each other’s hair out, preferably in a tub of mud, but instead, the women exchange attitude and don’t get into anything. Tommy finally arrives, and with the crew eavesdropping outside of the doors, Janet delivers the ultimatum: There can be only one. Tommy must choose.

Sex with no strings attached…ha! Did Tommy not realize he was dealing with women here?

Just then, another fire call, and there’s music playing and artistic fire shots, and I suppose the juxtaposition with the last scene is meant to show that even though Tommy’s kind of a dirtbag when it comes to women, at least he’s a hero, right? Forgive and forget, y’all! The crew saves some women and children, and Damien pukes up his lunch because it looks like there were a few people they couldn’t save. And then, Maura Tierney shows up! Not dowdy Maura Tierney from ER – think Lisa Miller from News Radio Maura Tierney.  The building is still blazing, but Tierney kicks, punches, and compliments her way through four of the crew before dashing inside to retrieve a silver briefcase. She comes back out, singed and dirty, but otherwise perfectly okay, and disappears into the night.

Now, I think Maura Tierney is great, but I worry for her, because she’s a female on this show, and that can only mean bad things for her. What the hell is she doing here?

Next week:  Tierney returns!

For another take on this episode, check out Janet/Sheila Bitchfest 2009 by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 17: Lesbos (originally aired July 28, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro