Rescue Me: Janet/Sheila Bitchfest 2009

Is the term “catfight” misogynistic? Certainly. But since I didn’t invent it, and since it most aptly describes the centerpiece of this latest episode of Rescue Me, I’m going to use it. When Lou became privy to Tommy’s newly-formed sex-only, no-strings-attached relationships with both Sheila and Janet, he warned Tommy that the apocalypse was just around the corner, and fiery hell would rain down on him. Tommy should have listened. Sheila and Janet individually have brought Tommy to his knees and put him through the wringer (though of course, he has reciprocated). Hell, they’ve done everything short of castrate him. Yet Tommy has the weakness, the gall, and I guess the extreme masochism to put himself in a position where not one, but both of them are lining up to make his life a living hell.

First Sheila shows up in the kitchen at the firehouse with cake in tow. It seems like she stops by all the time now, and with Damian there, clearly it’s just another attempt for her to hold on to him. But before they can all enjoy the cake (much to Lou’s heartbreak), the alarm goes off and the boys are called to a fire. As they are getting onto the truck, Janet appears. She tells Tommy that she has important news about Katy to tell him, but since he is on his way out, she will just wait for him at the firehouse until he gets back. Tommy’s eyes widen in panic, and he desperately tries to convince Janet that there are new regulations stating that no civilian can be in the firehouse when the crew isn’t there. But Needles pops his head in and helpfully tells Tommy that there is no such regulation. Boy, if Tommy didn’t want to kill Needles already, you can bet he sure wants to now.

So Tommy gets on the truck and goes to work, trying not to think of what he’ll be coming back to. Janet makes her way up to the kitchen and finds Sheila. Both look like deer caught in the headlights. There has been bad blood between them for years, but things really kicked off in the first season after Janet found out that Tommy was sleeping with Sheila. That resulted in her selling the house Tommy bought for her and the kids right out from under his nose and illegally kidnapping the kids and fleeing for places unknown until Tommy tracked her down the next season. And it’s all been downhill from there. But in five seasons of the show, we’ve hardly had any scenes with Janet and Sheila together, and we’ve certainly never had any scene where they went at each other full-on. So this face-off has been a long time coming.

They try to make polite conversation for about thirty seconds before they give up the façade and the gloves come off. There’s no hair pulling, but there are obscene text messages! Hilarity ensues when the boys return and keep trying to fake excuses to come into the kitchen and observe the proceedings. Everyone except Tommy that is, who delays going in for as long as possible until they both scream his name and he timidly sticks his head into the kitchen. He’s lucky they didn’t chop it off right there.

He tries to defend himself in vain, saying that both Janet and Sheila initiated the new relationships, and that they themselves were the ones who promulgated the no-strings rule. But when competitive women get angry, rationality doesn’t exactly exude from their pores. The fight ends with Janet and Sheila directly telling Tommy that he will have to choose between them. No man would trade shoes with Tommy Gavin at that point for all the tea leaves in China.

The other big event of the week is the benefit to help with Sean’s medical expenses that Mike set up. Two sources of conflict arise at the shindig: how bad the music is coming from Mike’s band Apache Stone…yes, Apache Stone…and trying to determine the orientation of all the women that Franco’s girlfriend (whose sexuality is also in question) invited. At first the guys are excited because there seem to be plenty of bisexual women but no “bull dykes” as the ever-classy Teddy terms them. Of course, a parade of the latter soon walks through the door, sending the boys into a funk, especially Franco, who is now convinced his boxer girlfriend is a lesbian to the 9th degree.

Oh, and Mrs. Needles shows up without him and shows herself to be a crazy drunken floozy who is more than happy to get down and dirty with everyone of every gender in every location. Does Tommy finally have some dirt on Needles to level the playing field? And it seems Lou has decided to accept Candy’s marriage proposal! I knew that was going to happen…I also know that it can’t possibly work.

Maura Tierney shows up briefly at the end of the episode, running into a fire to retrieve a briefcase in spite of the guys trying to stop her. I have no idea who she is or what she’s about, but that gives us something to look forward to next week. This is a solid episode. I’ve never seen a bad episode of the show, but there’s nothing that really sizzles this week. That’s a byproduct of having to extend the season from 13 episodes to 22. With a season almost twice as long as the norm, there’s going to be some padding. When you only have 13 episodes, every moment in every episode has to really catch fire. When you have 22, it’s not possible to do that. So the downside of having more episodes is that the show doesn’t always have that unstoppable, volatile, unpredictable energy. But the upside is we get to spend way more time with the characters. I think that pro definitely outweighs the con.

For another take on this episode, check out As Painful as Ear Chemotherapy by Jaimie Campos.

Season 5, Episode 17: Lesbos (originally aired July 28, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro