Rescue Me: Magical Dustpans

This week on Rescue Me… runaway fire trucks!

I’m not kidding! But first! Sean Garrity’s going to be okay, kids, so strike three, Garrity! I hold out hope that, in fact, the cancer hasn’t left your system and something really dramatic happens on this show. Because when Garrity tells his visiting crew that he’s been skimming the bar profits to collect enough money to pay for his treatment, they’re angry for a moment, and then let it go. Even though this puts them in a tight financial spot somehow, but clearly, I didn’t go to school to improve my math skills. So I’ll trust Franco when he says they’re “short” and what’re they going to do? (Answer: Mike and Hot Lunch will play a charity gig, so expect more musical numbers in the coming weeks.)

Speaking of Franco…remember him and that whole boxing storyline? And the girl, Carla? Well, both stories come together as we finally step into the ring! It’s Fight Night, and Franco beats his opponent with a rare body knockout, in the first round. The boys win $5,000 (which they donate to Garrity’s cancer fund, before they learn that he’s been stealing). The crew sans Garrity but plus Colleen are there to watch the fight, so they meet Carla for the first time. Colleen scopes her out as a lesbian, from the brief fling in lesbianism that Colleen experienced as a teenager. The boys are aghast and leave it to Damien, as the soon-to-be graduating Probie, to deliver the news to Franco that his girlfriend and her mannish ways dig chicks as much as the guys do.

However, later at the firehouse when Damien breaks it to Franco, Franco must defend his hotter than hot bedmate to Lou, Damien and Mike. She apparently is the best sex he’s had in years and has more stamina than he does, but the guys are convinced that Franco’s in for a world of hurt. In many, inapporpriate forms which I will not lay out here, but according to Damien, those ways might involve a strap-on.

And with that comment, Damien makes a frenemy of Lou, as the cocky know-it-all new kid goes up against the King of the One Liners (and King of the Poor Choice in Hookers).

And so, let’s talk about Candy. She surprises Lou with another homecooked meal … and an engagement ring. Well, that’s a modern woman for you – no sex until marriage. Except for that one time where they had sex and she stole his $20,000. But otherwise, this born-again virgin means business. Lou says no, but he also says yes. So … let us count the ways that Lou will get screwed in the next few weeks.

Finally, the fire trucks! Tommy inadvertantly guilts Feinberg into bringing the fire trucks round to show the cancer kids, even though this is against policy. So the crew comes to the hospital and in general, entertains the children. Lou finds one child in particular, Dominic, and tries to bond with him. He’s an older boy whose parents took off for vacation while their son had his tumor removed, and who are now using the hospital as day care until they return. Lovely. Dominic cons Lou into showing him how to start the ignition of the truck, and next thing you know, Lou’s hanging from the side of the fire truck, with Franco and Mike in the back with other children, as Dominic drives around town with the sirens blaring and an amazing control of the large, clunky truck.

Tommy, having bonded with his own cancer friend, Timmy, drives the SUV in pursuit, and for some reason can’t overtake the larger truck. A chase scene worthy of Jason Bourne follows, until Lou climbs through the window and saves the day. I can’t wait for the lawsuits, with all the car accidents Dominic caused. Although, I’m pretty sure, instead of lawsuits, we’ll just see Needles go after Feinberg, since he authorized the feel good mission in the first place. On the upside, Timmy, a depressed young boy with a calm acceptance of his impending death, finds the first spot of joy in his life in a long while, having just been involved in a high speed chase through New York City. Plus, Tommy let him run the siren.

And that concludes another filler episode, brought to you by our good friends at the FDNY. No, not much happens, but there’s plenty to like in the dialogue (especially a scene where Tommy convinces Timmy to keep the faith), even if the story’s mostly predictable. And no one has sex, even if Colleen nags the crap out of Black Shawn and talks about her lesbian days, and Sheila nags the crap out of Tommy and promises to have sex with him later. Wait, did I not mention Sheila? That’s okay, that line summed up their scene perfectly.

Next week: Damien graduates. Oh brother.

Season 5, Episode 14: Wheels (originally aired July 7, 2009)

For another take on this episode, check out Cameron Cubbison’s review here.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photographs courtesy of FX and IMDbPro