So You Think You Can Dance: In Which Robin Gives Up

I wondered at first if Fox would pre-empt SYTYCD for the President’s live news conference. But duh, I should’ve known better. Cat Deeley has another gorgeous gold dress on, and she’s even taller than Barack Obama. Of course we’re going with SYTYCD.

I idly wonder how many weeks are left in this season. I know they won’t tell me. And there’s no point in going to Fox.com/Dance, aka the most information-free website in the world. Oh well, I’ll just live with the suspense.

Intro dances. I actually kind of like Kayla’s, but I agree with Nigel that she needs to stop relying on her hair so much. Evan wears the kind of glasses that you wear when you’re intentionally trying to look dorky, and does some footwork to match. Janette is in a pair of short-shorts that I approve of. Jeanine is wearing a belt that appears to have a swastika on it. Melissa has a new bustier. Brandon seems to be genuinely enjoying himself, as I guess you would do if you were pretty much guaranteed to win the show.

Oh, here’s a banner telling me to switch to Fox News to watch the press conference. Yeah, okay. Like I care about health care reform. Cat Deeley looks pretty healthy to me. I just hope that tan is of the spray-on variety.

(For the record, I do care about health reform. And not just because Michelle Benjamin told me to. But that’s not why we’re here, is it?)

Mia is our guest judge. Fan-bloody-tastic. And for some reason Ellen Degeneres is also here. Uh… I mean, I guess I could judge this show too if Ellen can. I’ve seen Ellen dance. I sometimes find Ellen funny but more often do not. Everyone on the show laughs hysterically at every word she utters though. Oh, lord, this is going to be a long night.

The entire top 8 is doing a group routine together choreographed by Travis Wall. They’re acting as if they’re at a futuristic rave. So… is that a style? Is it hip-hop? Oh, okay, they tell us during the rehearsal footage that everyone is going to do their own styles. Well, that could be cool, potentially.

The dance begins, and the rave concept is immediately made clear by the fact that they’re all outfitted in glow sticks. Unfortunately, this creative costuming makes it impossible to tell any of the dancers apart, except for Kayla, the only remaining blonde, and Evan, the only remaining white guy. I enjoy the dance, more so than most of the other group numbers, but it isn’t particularly exciting. It’s very fast. And other than their futuristic tutus and hoochie tops, the women aren’t particularly overly sexualized. I missed the part where they were each doing their own styles, though. Overall it looks like it’s choreographed more for the stage than for the camera; there are moments where you can’t even see all of them at once.

Nigel likes the choreography and the outfits and says everyone is terrific. Ellen makes some jokes and everyone doubles over in laughter. Mary acts like she’s going to give some substantive critique but then does not. Mia says she’s going to wear one of the glow-stick costumes tomorrow night. Well, I’m sure that helped a lot of people decide who to vote for.

Our first pair is Evan and Janette. Oh, I’m not sure how to feel about this. They’re doing a jazz routine choreographed by Sonia. All right, well, both of these people are good at playing characters, so hopefully they can use that to their advantage and not be too obviously out of sync given their very different dance styles.

Janette is in one of those horrible black-leotard-cut-into-strips outfits that Jeanine always wears for her solo performances. Why, Sonia, why? Janette is one of the few people on this show who almost always manages to look classy. Why did you have to do this for her? The dance is… uh… it has to do with them putting their hands over their mouths a lot. And there’s some jerky stuff. It also has a lot of lifts. I think they’re both doing a good job with it, probably, but it means nothing to me. Janette is actually shorter than Evan, so that helps. But I’m really glad they didn’t pair these two together to begin with.

Nigel likes them both and says they’re “two little stars of this season” and that he’s finally starting to like Evan again. Ellen’s jokes get less funny every time she tells them. Mary says it was fun and way outside Evan’s genre (it’s outside Janette’s, too, but Mary doesn’t mention that) and says Evan “could’ve been a little bit rougher.” She compliments Evan’s lifts and athleticism and says Janette is always great. Mia says Evan “made a step in the right direction” and that Evan always has the same character and emotion, which might be my issue with him, actually. Then she says he’s too adorable to be dark and freakish like Sonia likes. Then she says Janette is her favorite this season. Finally, someone has articulated it on the show itself. Yay!

Then Kayla solos. I love her dress, and her hair is in a ponytail, and she looks her age for once. She does some stuff that shows off how flexible she is but isn’t so much fun to watch. She looks really happy, probably because she wasn’t in the bottom last week.

Commercials. They’re promoting the season premiere of House. House has a new haircut and is apparently the only character on the show now. Still undecided about whether I’m going to watch this season. I love Chase, but I can’t think of any other reasons to tune in. Maybe if they brought back Amber and Kutner as ghosts for the full season. Okay, now I’m getting excited just speculating about that.

The next pair is Brandon and Jeanine. They’re thrilled to be working together, and this should indeed be cool. Oh, but they’re doing the waltz, blah. What a waste of an interesting pairing. The choreographer is Hunter Johnson. The waltz made Brandon think of birds and bunnies and cats. I love Brandon.

Jeanine’s dress is gorgeous. Memo to Jeanine: You look so good when you wear clothes. You should try it more often. The dance is slow and boring and pretty, but involves a good amount of Brandon hauling Jeanine around. Hmm, this could be a risky week for Jeanine, although I think she’s great here.

Nigel says the routine was really demanding and that the music was painfully slow. He says they weren’t under enough control and that he’s a little disappointed. Ellen tells an unfunny story. Mary says it was the slowest waltz they’ve ever had on the show and that it would’ve been hard for any ballroom professional, then adds, “You guys did it respectable [sic].” It wasn’t quite good enough to merit a scream, though. Mia makes fun of Brandon’s line about birds and bunnies and says that since Brandon and Jeanine both have formal training they should’ve been magical, but that there were too many hiccups. I might’ve accepted that as a legitimate criticism if she hadn’t thrown in that personal dig at Brandon.

Next, Jason solos. I don’t know; I still feel like Jason is an also-ran. He’s clearly very good, as you can see here, but did he really deserve to stick around twice as long as, say, Max? He seems like a sweet guy but he’s so whatever.

Our next pair is Ade and Melissa. Yay! They’re doing the cha-cha with Tony and Melanie. Ooh, this should be fun to watch. Although Ade doesn’t seem all that psyched to be with Melissa again. I wonder what’s up with that.

And, oh no, they’ve put Melissa in another backless dress. This freaked me out last time. But I will try not to be too freaked out going in. They look great, as you would expect. What to even say about Melissa and Ade at this point? We know they’re amazing. There isn’t a style either of them can’t rock, and they play it so thoroughly, too, embracing their characters and these presumably unfamiliar movements, and closing with an awesome lift. Melissa has the best strut this side of Janette.

Nigel says it was “pretty good” and gives Melissa some technical critique, but notes that she gave some “good sexy moves” but pursed her lips too much. He compliments Ade’s height (how come no one ever compliments my height? I’m 5’2” and proud of it!), but says Ade could’ve sizzled a little bit more. Ellen kills some more time. Cat’s got to be loving her. Mary felt that the routine was again too slow, in what sounds like a criticism of the choreographers, and talks about Ade’s butt, which I’m sure she wishes she could do every week. Then she offers Melissa some more technical critique. Mia says it was Ade’s worst performance of the season and that Melissa was great. They both look really sad. Aww.

Okay, it’s time for Janette’s solo. Hang on, I need to prepare. Oh, she looks awesome, in a gorgeous flouncy dress. She rolls around on the floor and jumps and sashays and is just generally the lovely Janette. Wow, but standing next to Cat, she looks like a little child.

Our final pair is Jason and Kayla. They’re doing Broadway choreographed by Tyce. Kayla gets to play a temptress, which should be well within her comfort zone.

Ooh, I like this. They’re an interesting pairing. Jason seems to have a nice dramatic flair. Kayla is too over-the-top; she’s not a real character (and she can’t just act with her hair here, like she did in the Addiction dance). Wow, Jason looks really good. The actual dancing involves, I don’t know, lots of Kayla sticking her leg up in the air and Jason flailing his arms. It looks cool. I didn’t get the story at all, but that was very pretty.

Nigel compliments Jason’s toes and makes a Gene Kelly reference. He says Kayla is great and can do anything. He says it was one of the best of the night. Ellen invites them to come to her house and hang up pictures. Mary, who clearly does not enjoy having to wait while Ellen delivers her whatevers, says it was great and once again points out that Jason is attractive. Then she puts Kayla on her train and toots an actual whistle. Mia liked the choreography and wants Jason to work on his upper body and talks about how she wants to beat him with a hammer. I kind of want to beat Mia with a hammer. Mia says Kayla should sing and act and go on Broadway for real. Okay, so I guess I was wrong about her being too over-the-top. Then she says Kayla is perfect and “the epitome of a girl.” I’m not clear on why Mia hates women so much, but I don’t want to explore that, either.

Ade does his solo next, and isn’t quite as rapid-fire as he was last week, but he keeps a nice cheerleader smile in place the whole time and does some cool jerky stuff. I would like to note that of the eight dancers left in the competition, five of them specialize in contemporary. Were that not the case I would probably enjoy these solos a lot more.

Next Janette and Evan are dancing again. Oh boy, this is going to be a long review. They’re doing the rumba choreographed by Tony and Melanie. It’s “a dance of passion,” requiring femininity and masculinity, unlike every other dance style on this show. Doing the rumba obviously comes very naturally for Janette and not so much for Evan. But hopefully Janette can bend him to her will like she did with Brandon.

And no. No no no. They are not doing this. They are not doing the rumba to Kris Allen’s cover of “Heartless.” From the opening three notes I am way way way distracted and I want to watch my two favorite (well, one’s my favorite, and one I keep changing my mind about, but still) contestants do the rumba.

Except that they are, and there’s nothing I can do about it. So I will attempt to write about it coherently. (Well, to the degree that anything I ever write in my SYTYCD reviews is coherent.)

And you know, for all that… I kind of don’t love the performance. It’s nifty and all and I always like seeing Janette move in these Latin-esque styles. But… there just seems to be a complete absence of chemistry between them. Evan is trying, with the facial expressions, to match the style of the dance, but I kind of don’t think he can stretch that far. His acting used to be my primary reason for loving him (well, that and that time he jumped over Randi’s head), but he really doesn’t seem to have much acting range, especially next to Janette. Maybe his inadequacies weren’t as noticeable when we were only comparing him to Randi. (Sorry, Randi, I judge because I love.)

Nigel says the rumba is a hard style to get votes with. Really? He says Janette has the style down but that Evan didn’t look passionate at all. Then he talks about Evan’s eyelids for a while. He says the routine was lacking a little bit for him. Ellen says she loves Evan’s face and eyes, which is I think the first time she’s actually said something of substance about any of the contestants. Either she’s trying to make him feel better, or she’s been watching the show and has developed the same thoroughly nonsexual crush on Evan that everyone else in America has developed over the course of the summer. Mary says it was a tough routine and offers some technical compliments for Evan, and calls Janette a hot tamale. Mary is so phoning in it in these days. Mia has the same crush on Evan as the rest of us. What is up with that? Why do we as a culture like guys like Evan so much? Now I’m going to be thinking about this for a while. Then she says Evan was effectively sexy but with a Zoolander face. Mia offers up her own Zoolander face, which is hilarious. She also loves Janette. How come no one gushes about Janette? Are they just figuring eventually Kayla will beat her out if they downplay Janette’s awesomeness? Boo.

Melissa’s solo is next, and she poses a lot, and does ballet to a faster song than ballet is generally done to. Wow, she has such a beautiful smile.

Next, Brandon and Jeanine are doing pop-jazz choreographed by a new choreographer, Laurieann Gibson. Laurieann is a fan of “tough love” and makes Jeanine cry in rehearsal and at one point shouts “Don’t be a girl!” I am not so much liking Laurieann, but let’s see how the routine itself goes.

All right, so let’s talk about these outfits. The dance is somehow military-themed. Brandon is in camo pants and some sort of ripped-up vest, so maybe it’s post-apocalyptic, or at least post-battle. Jeanine, meanwhile, is in a ripped-up green bikini. I’m sure Jeanine is fine with that since clothes only seem to encumber her dancing, but can I just say that I AM SICK OF THIS SHOW AND ITS FORCING ITS WOMEN TO DANCE AROUND IN BIKINIS ALL THE TIME. IN REAL LIFE, WOMEN DO NOT WEAR BIKINIS ALL THE TIME. (AND YES, THOSE “BALL GOWNS” THAT ARE ACTUALLY LITTLE MORE THAN STRIPS OF FABRIC ATTACHED WITH DOUBLE-SIDED TAPE COUNT AS BIKINIS.) YOU ARE ALREADY FORCING CONTESTANTS TO BE VOTED OFF ACCORDING TO GENDER FOR NO APPARENT REASON, AND YOU FLIPPED OUT AT THE TWO GUYS WHO DARED TO AUDITION TOGETHER, AND YOU HAVE A HIGHLY CELEBRATED CHOREOGRAPHER/GUEST JUDGE WHO OPENLY STATED THAT SHE DID NOT LIKE FEMALE DANCERS AND JUST TOLD YOUR TOP PICK THAT SHE WAS “THE EPITOME OF A GIRL,” AND YOUR EXECUTIVE PRODUCER AND MOST VOCAL SPOKESPERSON IS A 60-YEAR-OLD BRITISH MAN WHO EAGERLY TALKS ABOUT HIS OPINIONS ON ALL THE WOMEN’S BODY PARTS AND FANTASIZES ABOUT HAVING THE MAGICAL ABILITY TO FORCE THE WOMEN IN HIS LIFE TO SHUT UP, AND HALF YOUR GROUP DANCES CAST THE MEN AS PIMPS AND THE WOMEN AS WHORES, SOMETIMES LITERALLY, AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I’VE HAD IT.

And okay, I’m sorry about the caps-lock, but I’m not editing it out, because seriously. I liked this show at the beginning of the top 20, and I still like it now. I enjoy the performances and I like the contestants. But I’m done. I’ll finish out this season, because I want to know what happens (and because I want to tell you my opinions about it), but I’m not tuning in for season 6 or for any other season. It is 2009, not 1959, and society is past all this when it comes to gender and sexuality, and I’m all for being retro, but not on this point. I have given this show plenty of chances to redeem itself and it hasn’t done so.

Which may seem like a dramatic statement until you realize that I’m only halfway through this week’s review. Lol.

So, Brandon and Jeanine are still dancing. I’ve put all that baggage on this performance now, and undeservedly, since there have been far worse costumes on the show before (remember that time they dressed Kayla up to look naked?). But the dance itself is okay, I guess. I don’t know- it’s to a Jordin Sparks song. These two are both good, but I definitely like Brandon better. Next to Jeanine he seems more polished. And I think he’s playing the character better. Even if I’m not entirely clear on who that character is supposed to be.

The crowd loved it, as did Nigel. He says the night has finally begun, and that up until now this was “the flattest night I’ve ever experienced on SYTYCD.” Then he compliments Jeanine for keeping up with Brandon. Uh… that sounds like a major insult to Jeanine to me. And a lot like what they kept telling her when she was with Phillip. Ellen is freaked out by Nigel and mocks the outfits. Mary says it was strong and powerful and puts them on her train and says she sees them in the finale. Everyone in the entire studio is freaking out. Okay, I guess Jeanine is safe this week after all. Mia hits on Laurieann and says Brandon is amazing and a powerhouse (Mia is clearly conscious of the fact that her early critiques of Brandon may well have hurt her reputation and is trying to make up for it) and mumbles something about how Jeanine is good, too.

Next, Evan solos. Bad timing for him. He does his usual thing, which is so different than what Jeanine and Brandon just did and incapable of getting anything like a similar reaction. He does a cool jump though. I get that Broadway is his specialty, but shouldn’t he have more than one Broadway character down by now?

Next it’s Jeanine’s solo. She’s in one of her standard half-leotard things. I like that her contemporary is infused with ballet. I don’t like that she also does random hip-hop moves in the middle. That does not seem very Jeanineish.

Melissa and Ade are doing their second routine – contemporary choreographed by Tyce. It’s about a woman who has breast cancer. Okay. Can Tyce pull this off, I wonder? They all seem pretty moved in rehearsals, at least.

And… okay, this actually is pretty moving. Wow. I don’t even know what to say about it. It’s really good. And very impressive, too.

Melissa and some people we see in the audience are already crying. And then Nigel is too. Well, Nigel knew this was coming and had time to prepare his tears. I mean, not to be cynical. He predicts another Emmy nom for Tyce. I do too. He calls it one of the most memorable routines ever on the show, and says Melissa and Ade were the best dancers to perform it. Tyce is also in tears. Ellen calls it “the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Mary’s also crying, or else she put glycerin tears in when the camera wasn’t on her (but I think you can cry with Botox, and the makeup streaks look real enough). She says some stuff I don’t understand about love and compassion and offers technical compliments to both of them. Nigel is turned around now with his back to us. Mia is also crying, louder than the others and in such a way that I don’t doubt its veracity. She talks about people she’s known who’ve had cancer, especially her dad. We keep cutting to this one guy in the audience, which is kind of distracting. Maybe it’s Melissa’s husband? Cat must be freaking out about how long this judging round is taking. She isn’t crying, because nothing gets Cat Deeley down.

Next, Brandon solos. Ooh, this is fun to watch. He’s got some serious personality these days. Thanks for that, Janette. Also, some awesome gymnastic stuff at the end. Cat compares him to a racehorse.

Now Kayla and Jason are doing hip-hop choreographed by Shane Sparks. It involves the two of them being zombies and Jason pulling Kayla’s hair, kicking her, throwing her to the ground, etc. Right. See the caps-lock section above. Also, let’s note the uncreativity re: zombies.

Jason and Kayla, of course, throw themselves into the performance. And I think they’re probably pretty good. But wow, again with the bad luck. The producers thought it made sense to put this after the breast cancer routine? Really? I mean, I guess it earns them a better chance of being remembered, but come on. These two routines should’ve been put as far apart as possible.

Nigel points out the Michael Jackson reference (well, someone had to) and says that this is one of the only hip-hop routines he’s enjoyed this season. He says the last few routines have all been great. Well, yes, he wants to keep Kayla in the competition. Ellen makes a joke. Mary says she loved every second and that it was pure entertainment, and then she shrieks. Mia says it was her favorite routine by Shane and that she was really into the moment when Jason strangled Kayla. Of course she was.

Okay, well I don’t see how either Melissa or Ade could possibly be in jeopardy, especially Melissa. And neither, most likely, is Brandon or Jeanine. So that leaves us Evan, Jason, Kayla, and Janette for the bottom four. I don’t like that because it raises a strong possibility of Janette going home.

But who’s being eliminated is a secondary concern this results night, since it’s the show’s 100^th episode and so most of its time will be spent celebrating the seasons I haven’t seen. I likely won’t have time to form opinions about most of this, so maybe I’ll manage to be brief this time.

Cat is wearing a dress with a tiger on it. Literally. There is an image of a tiger on her dress. Her hair is extremely teased, maybe to look like a mane? Except that lions are the ones that have manes. And if I was going to associate Cat with an actual, you know, cat, it would definitely be a lion.

Okay, so we’re still having the group dance, 100^th episode or not. It’s Broadway. Everyone is in white suits and top hats; the women’s suits, of course, are low-cut. Oh, hey, this is actually cool. It helps that it’s a good song (from A Chorus Line). Hey, that was actually fun to watch. My favorite group number yet. And it was choreographed by… Mia! Lol again. Well, hey, I never said she was a bad choreographer. I’m still thinking about that Addiction routine (even if the breast cancer one made a much bigger impression on me).

Clip show time. Nigel used to dye his hair. Mary used to have a flexible face. Not sure what else to say; it’s a well-edited clip show.

Cat is still wearing that dress. Maybe her hair is actually a tribute to Farrah Fawcett?

The bottom two women are Kayla and Janette. Oh crap. This is the first time all season I’ve actually been nervous.

Next two contestants from a previous season are doing a dance called “The Hummingbird and the Flower.” This is not, alas, the one with the bench, which is the only one I want to see. This routine is pretty, but I’m not sure I get why it’s got such a following years later. Maybe they didn’t have that many good routines in the earlier seasons?

Cat, please stop expecting me to be excited to see Katie Holmes. She used to be on TV every single week, you know.

The bottom two men are Jason and Brandon. Uhhhhhhhhhh….. okay, if I wasn’t already done with the show I would be now. I like Evan, probably more than I like Brandon, but that was So. Not. Fair. Who are these viewers who are obsessed with Evan? Is this one of these things where the 12-year-olds are writing fan fiction with themselves cast as Randi and then doing that super-duper-dialing thing for Evan every week? Man, I kind of wish the judges were doing the eliminations again, so I could be sure Brandon was safe. Except that then they’d cut Janette and at least this way she still has a chance of surviving. As Cat pointed out, Kayla has already been in the bottom more than once.

Next, we see “The Bench.” It’s to a Celine Dion song, hee. One of the dancers is that guy Travis who choreographed last night. It is indeed cool. I can see why people make a big deal about it. Again, though, didn’t make as big an impression as the Addiction one or the Breast Cancer one.

30 seconds of pointless shame. Kayla does her usual thing to a prettier song than usual and looks seriously stressed. Well, yes. Jason jumps around, like always. I have come to like Jason, simply, I think, because he’s been around for so much longer than seemed probable. I will miss him. Assuming “America” did the right thing, that is. Janette is also dancing to a Celine Dion song, and is great, like always, although she doesn’t seem to be quite as into it as usual. Brandon’s solo is awesome. Better than it was last night. Or maybe I’m just glad he’s wearing a shirt.

Next, a Wade Robson group routine, also from a previous season, “Ramalama.” Great, more zombies. At least they’re in expensive-looking costumes this time, though. The male zombies are totally making me think of Peter Facinelli in Twilight. Wait, are they actually vampires? No, definitely zombies. It’s a cooler dance than any of the previous group zombie routines we’ve seen. Oh, I think Wade Robson himself is the one who’s looking the most Facinelli-like. Hee. I wish Mia had come out and danced with Travis and that chick to “The Bench” too. Can you imagine?

And then it’s finally time for Katie Holmes, whom Cat calls “one of the biggest stars of the silver screen” (well, she was pretty good in Abandon, I guess). And then Cat cuts to an interview she herself taped with Ms. Holmes about the Dizzy Feet Foundation. Katie reveals that she and Tyce are good friends. Ah, okay, now it all makes sense.

And then her performance is also pre-taped. She’s singing and dancing to “Get Happy” and wearing a gorgeous white suit in the taped intro, in which she is very obviously not singing live. Then we cut to an on-stage performance, which is also obviously taped (well, I guess a lot of the show is taped, but that beginning part was the first time we’ve seen something filmed somewhere other than on the SYTYCD stage, so I think she deserves some extra criticism for it. Also she’s obviously lip-syncing here, too.) Her dancing is okay I guess, certainly better than I could do, but it’s very simple, and dude, I would love to see her have a dance-off with Janette.

All right, well at least now they can stop promoting that.

Eliminations. Oh dear. Women first. It’s… Janette. Of course it is. I don’t even know what to say. Cat calls it the shock of the season, except that it’s really not. Nigel says that Janette was his favorite and he wanted her to win. Well then, Nigel, why did you gush so much about Kayla all the friggin’ time? If you hadn’t then something different might’ve happened here. Janette holds it together very well and gives an articulate speech about how the experience has changed her life. Bye, sweetie. It’s not your fault we’re stuck with Kayla and Jeanine another week.

Next, the men. Okay, I really don’t know what I’ll do if it’s Brandon. It’s… Jason. I feel as relieved as Brandon looks. Aww, I had forgotten about Jason’s one-sock audition.

So now I’m depressed. The show that I didn’t want to watch managed to draw me in, and then I started caring about it, and then finally I reached my breaking point and realized I couldn’t take the gendered BS anymore, and then they got rid of my favorite the same week. Next summer I think I’ll just stick to my usual routine of catching up on The Tudors on Netflix.

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

Season 5, Episodes 18&19: Top 8 (originally aired July 22&23, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

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