The Fashion Show: Blood, Sweat, and Sparkle

It’s the last challenge, and everyone is apparently on edge.  Each designer has his or her own sob story about why he or she should win, often with tears.  I try to control my gag reflex with limited success.

When our designers arrive in the studio, Isaac and Kelly are there with the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge.  Isaac hypes it up because the mini-challenge is about draping.  Who doesn’t get hyped about draping?!?!  Isaac demonstrates how one piece of fabric can become a beautiful gown using draping and six pins.  The mini-challenge is to take two yards of silk charmeuse, and, using only ten pins, to make it into a gown.  The judges are Glenda Bailey (editor of Harper’s Bazaar) and Isabel Toledo (who designed Michelle Obama’s inauguration day outfit).

Big Bertha:  “It’s all about draping, and I don’t drape.  I don’t do pretty.  I know I’m going to embarrass myself, for sure.”  Sigh.  Why is he here?

Comments from the judges:

• Reco – challenging the ’80s and Joan Collins
• Anna – loving the one shoulder and the back; “successful”
• Big Bertha – Scary; wrapping, but not draping; lots of pinholes
• Daniella – You understand the fabric; controlled volume
• James-Paul – Did not drape enough for the sack shape

They choose Daniella as the winner, and she gets some incredible advantage that we will find out about later.

The elimination challenge is to design an evening gown, and the designers have to use Swarovski crystals.

When the designers arrive at the fabric store, Kelly is there waiting for them with a surprise.  She has brought the five most recently dismissed designers:  Haven, Angel, Keith, Andrew, and Merlin.  I would like to note that Merlin walks in, dressed in complete pink with feathers coming out of his pink cowboy hat and says, “Hey, bitches!”  I miss him.

Daniella, as the winner of the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge, selects first.  Uh, that’s the big advantage?  She chooses Haven, of course.  Anna chooses Keith.   James-Paul chooses Merlin.  Wha?  Reco chooses Andrew because he’s cute.  Big Bertha is left with Angel.  Off screen, Big Bertha says that he would have chosen security or the janitor instead of Angel.  A true class act, that Johnny.

Big Bertha mentions that he doesn’t do evening gowns, but he remembers when Maggie Gyllenhaal wore this Lanvin gown to the Golden Globe awards.

Reco says that he is channeling Victoria Beckham in his design.  Anna is doing a big ass bow on the shoulder of her gown, with crystals on the inside.  Haven keeps telling Daniella how much she dislikes the abundance of gray in their gown.

The real drama, though, is between Big Bertha and Angel.  I know that you’re really shocked, too, right?  Angel confides to James-Paul that Big Bertha doesn’t have any idea how to construct this gown or even how the construct garments, generally.   Big Bertha isn’t sure if Angel is helping him or sabotaging him.  I hate him so much.

Isaac and Kelly come in to “critique.”  By “critique,” I mean ask a question, then make a face.  Isaac asks Big Bertha if he has ever made an evening gown, based on the fact that he linked the chiffon in taffeta instead of silk.  I mean, who doesn’t know that?!?!?!  Reco’s gown is purple and hot pink; it looks hideous.  They are skeptical of Anna’s use of print.  James-Paul’s gown looks a homemade gold and black velvet mess.

The next morning, Kelly calls James-Paul before sunrise to tell them that she expects them to be dressed “to the nines” for this week’s fashion show.  I think it’s telling that everyone dresses up except for Big Bertha, who is dressed to the nines in shorts, a plaid button-up, and a black hoodie.  He looks utterly ridiculous.

Every time Merlin talks, Bravo inserts subtitles.  Ha!

Just before the fashion show, the eliminated designers go away, and we get ready for the runway.  Fern Mallis and Glenda Bailey in da house!

Daniella is nervous because everyone else used color, and Johnny is going on and on about how he is an original.

Big Bertha – He has sent out a green version of the Maggie Gyllenhaal Lanvin dress.  Seriously, the only differences are that this one is green, has a shorter hem, and has a ruffle instead of a bow over the left shoulder.  He says that it is edgy and that he could see lots of people wearing his dress.  I say he should be gassed.

James-Paul – This is a black velvet pile o’ poo.  There is gold edging around the bottom hem, and some sort of strange gold piping at the top of the bodice.  James-Paul has placed the Swarovski crystals in a starburst pattern at her hip.   It’s very middle school homecoming and/or Mother of the Groom.

Anna – Anna has given us an exuberant pink floral gown with a bow on the left shoulder.  The crystals are inside the bow.  It’s quite pretty, and I like that she used such a big, floral pattern for an evening gown.

Reco – This dress is a straight-up stripper dress.  It is purple and hot pink, and the entire bodice looks like it is made of elastic.  The skirt portion of the dress is sheer (but still purple and pink).  This is not high fashion.  Kelly says that she would only wear it on stage, and Big Bertha says that it is unflattering.

Daniella – The model comes out in a column of gray.  There is a crystal-beaded piece that wraps from the bustline of the gown around her shoulder like a hook.  It never reconnects to the gown.  It is kind of interesting, and the dress looks nice.  I don’t know, though.  It doesn’t scream glamour to me.  It’s like what Mama Morton from Chicago would wear to the prison Christmas party.

Judging!

The top two designs are Daniella and Anna.  Reco makes a face.  Isaac loves how the crystals are important to each dress.  Anna gets a little teary-eyed when she collects her praise.   Fern likes the way that Daniella’s gown emphasizes the shoulders, and Daniella talks about how she followed her heart.  Our winner is Daniella.  Hmmm . . . ok.  Whatever.

The other three designers come back on stage, and the judges tell Reco that his design was good enough to earn him a spot in the final fashion show.  Big Bertha, the sour queen that he is, says that Reco’s dress is “so ugly” right there on the stage.  I know someone whose attitude is “so ugly.”

That means our bottom two are Big Bertha and James-Paul.  Glenda tells James-Paul that his dress looks like a costume, looks dated, and looks tortured; she tells Big Bertha that she has seen his gown before.  The judges get all up in his face about copying the Lanvin gown.  Isaac even printed off a photo of the gown and shows it around.  Oh, no.  Here’s where it goes down because Big Bertha starts saying, “You know, I should have seen that.”  LIKE HE DIDN’T MENTION IT AT THE FABRIC STORE TO ANGEL!  Big Bertha is in denial and says that his gown is not a knock-off, even though everyone can see it.

While the judges deliberate, Reco tells Big Bertha that, in his opinion, it looks identical to the Lanvin gown.  Big Bertha’s response?  “I don’t think I’ve seen Maggie in it.  I saw the Lanvin collection.”  That is a lie.  A DAMN LIE!  And just when you think his fat ass can’t sink any lower, he blames Angel for not telling him that he was doing a knock-off when they were working on it.  A complete disgrace.

In deliberations, Glenda says that we have the two worst sins in fashion design:  an ugly dress and knocking off another designer.  When the judges come back out, they give Big Bertha the old heave ho.  Thank goodness!  The most galling part is that he continues to deny that he knocked off the Lanvin gown.  He says that to call it a knock-off is an insult to him.  He needs to get hit by a bus.

The judges tell the final four to really bring it for the final fashion show!!  Yay!  The season is almost over!!  Yay!

Season 1, Episode 10: Blood, Sweat, and Sparkle (originally aired July 9, 2009)

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Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Barbara Nitke