The Fashion Show: It’s in the Cards

Shhhh . . . the episode starts with everyone sleeping.  The doorbell rings, and there is a man delivering packages from Isaac from Saks Fifth Avenue.  Ah, what a wonderful thing to wake up to:  gifts from Saks!  Everyone gets excited, but when they open the boxes, all they see are silky blue robes.  Then, everyone gets sad.

When they get to the work-room, Laura Brown and some chick from Saks tell them that the silky blue robes are made by Fernando Sanchez.  He is credited with inventing loungewear.  Really?  I thought that it was International Male.  Thus, the Harper’s Bazaar Mini-Challenge is to make coordinate garments for the robe in 90 minutes.   In other words, make some PJ’s.  The winning design will be sold as an exclusive pairing with a Fernando Sanchez silky blue robe at Saks.

All of the designers are working on a variation of pajamas.  Big Bertha annoys me so much because he BARELY EVEN TRIES.  Yet, week after week, his expansive ass is kept around.  The final results are:

•    Daniella – a pink pajama jumpsuit inspired by sleeping in her boyfriend’s shirt
•    Anna – green baby doll top and bloomers
•    Merlin – a blue halter top and blousy pants
•    Big Bertha – a disgraceful mess of a tube tied in the middle.  He tells Laura Brown that he’s embarrassed by it.  Me, too.
•    Reco – Pink PJ top and shorts with accents in blue
•    James-Paul – Vietnamese top and harem pants in hot pink; literally, the crotch is at the ankles.

So Anna wins, and I yawn.  I’ve had bowel movements more exciting than this.

Everyone has to meet Kelly and Isaac at 123 W 29th Street to find out what the elimination challenge is.  On the walk there, James-Paul worries about getting shot in the street.  We should be so lucky.

It turns out that 123 W 29th Street is the home of a psychic, Nancy Stark.  Nancy will give each of them a psychic reading about their future in the competition.  It’s all very mystical as she pulls out her tarot cards.  Everyone has to pick a card, and Nancy will tell him or her what it means.

Big Bertha gets the Six of Swords, and Nancy says, “You are going somewhere.”  All of the other competitors gasp dramatically and assume Big Bertha is headed home.  Please. Make. This. Happen.  Reco picks the Four of Pentacles, and Nancy tells him to “let go of constraints” and that he “needs to break through.”  Daniella picks the Six of Pentacles, which Nancy interprets as Daniella needing to believe in her own creativity and uniqueness to open doors to her success.  James-Paul draws the High Priestess.  Nancy says James-Paul needs to listen to his intuition, but he also needs to be more practical.  Anna picks the Four of Cups, which always signify love, affection, and friendship, often in nature.  Finally, Merlin draws the Six of Swords, too, so Nancy tells him that he, too, will be going somewhere.  Merlin interviews that he thinks of this as a lucky card because it means he is moving to the next level.

Kelly and Isaac return to tell the designers that this week’s elimination challenge is to create a look that captures the meaning of their tarot reading.  They will have fourteen hours to create the look.

Merlin says that he is making a traveling outfit, inspired by the Six of Swords; and, because he likes to travel in sweatpants, he is making a sweat suit!  I think that’s kind of clever.  James-Paul said he is going to be more practical by keeping the shapes simple.

Backstage, Big Bertha says that he doesn’t even take Merlin or James-Paul seriously because they aren’t competition.  Anna concurs that she doesn’t think either could design an entire collection.  They need Jesus.

Also revealed during this phase of the show:  Daniella is using the ugliest fabric ever because it reminds her of bird feathers.  Merlin is doing something insane with the knees of his outfit.  James-Paul is complaining that his model is a humpback.  He’s such a little jerk.  Big Bertha is calling Anna’s dress a vagina dress because the pleats on it look like vaginas.  It’s not nearly as clever or funny as either think.

Kelly and Isaac come in and begin being passive-aggressive.  Seriously, they just furrow their brows at everyone.  This show is going to drive me to drink . . . more.

In other news, Merlin announces that he is wearing a red kilt to judging.  Reco says that it’s more drag queen than kilt.  This makes me smile because I love a drag queen, but Reco is right.  This is just a straight-up red skirt.

Time for the fashion show, people.  The guest judge for tonight is Vivienne Tam.  Here we go!

Merlin (Six of Swords) – Merlin has done a grey sweat suit with a yellow pea coat.  The sweat suit has interesting details all over it, including yellow and green piping and a yellow belt.  The pants have crazy legs on them where the knee is a ballooning tube of fabric.  Those pants are a little bizarre.  The coat has lots and lots of pockets and details on it, which I think is kind of cool.  I totally love these colors.

Reco (Four of Pentacles) – Reco created a very chic and form fitting black pantsuit.  There is cream piping all up and down it in really flattering shapes.  The front of the suit jacket is a giant ruffle with piping on the edge, and it is tied together with a belt.  When the model takes off the jacket, we see a silver sleeveless top.  There is a seam that runs across the model’s chest – above the nipples – that is very strangely placed.  I can’t imagine that doing favors for many women.  Other than that, it’s the bomb.

Anna (Four of Cups) – Anna has created the cutest dress.  First, the fabric is cream with red and purple flowers on it, and they look almost like a Japanese print.  It has a lavender belt, and the red straps almost look like a vest.  The real magic of the dress, though, is the skirt.  The skirt consists of a series of inverted pleats, expanding into open “pockets” at the top of each pleat.  The interior of the “pockets” is the same red as the straps.  It’s incredibly cute.

Daniella (Six of Pentacles) – Daniella sent out a short-sleeved coat in navy that I really sort of like, but that is the only thing about this that I like.  The top is sheer (again . . . remember the Tinsley Mortimer challenge?) with a bra underneath.  The skirt is, again, the ugliest fabric I have ever seen.  It is about fourteen different colors and iridescent and just gross.

James-Paul (The High Priestess) – James has created something . . . difficult to describe.  It’s an icy blue, long sleeved, fitted gown.  The unusual part is that he has left a substantial amount of fabric at each shoulder and across the model’s backside.  The shoulders are like deflated balloons, and the ass is utterly insane.  He describes it as a bustle, but it looks like the model took the biggest dump in history and decided to walk around in it.

Johnny (Six of Swords) – Ugh, this is so butt ugly.  Big Bertha has made a white, one sleeved (long sleeve) top.  Then, there is a belt with a bow, created out of denim.  The skirt is this strange pea green with a flower-print “cage” around it.  The “cage” is in quotation marks because it lays flat, and the skirt is wrinkled underneath.  You can tell that he was trying to go for something young and flirty, but this ain’t cute at all.

Judging time!!

The top two are Reco and Anna.  No arguments here.  They were heads and tails above everyone else.  Isaac calls them triumphs.  The judges talk about how tough of a decision it was for them, so they decide to pick the winner based on who best captured the essence of their tarot card.  Anna wins!  You know how the winner gets a version of his or her garment sold on bravotv.com?  Well, I encourage you NOT to buy the “version” of Anna’s dress because it looks nothing like it.  Seriously, the dress looks like it came off of the back of Mrs. Bozo the Clown.

The bottom two looks are Merlin and James-Paul.  HUH?  Why is Merlin in the bottom, but not Daniella?  Her top is derivative of a previous design of hers, and the skirt is repulsive.  Merlin made a cool coat, and, other than the knees, a fun sweat suit.  No argument on James-Paul, though.  His was a mess.  The judges tell James-Paul that they know he is a designer and has a point of view, but the execution was dreadful.  The judges completely irrationally attack Merlin’s outfit, chastising him for using too many details.  Fern Mallis says that it doesn’t look like it was designed by a designer at all; instead, she says that it looks like you would buy Merlin’s sweat suit from a bin in a discount store.  I just don’t get this criticism.  That’s way harsh.  The judges say that their ultimate decision is which is worse:  generic or impractical?  Well, we know where this is going, and Sister Merlin is headed home.  I hate this show.

Meanwhile, back on stage, Reco and Merlin are snipping at Big Bertha.  Merlin tells Big Bertha that his dress was “a piece of crap,” right to his face.  Merlin also says that an artist who doesn’t experiment is no artist, accusing Big Bertha of constantly playing it safe.  Merlin also throws in two dozen F-bombs.  I can understand his outrage.  Big Bertha doesn’t appear to care about anything.  ANYTHING!  He just floats through the competition by sheer luck.  The only week Big Bertha won, it was because his BFF Anna set him up for the win, while sabotaging others.  This show is nasty.  The people are nasty.  It’s not fun.  Sigh.

When we come back, Isaac tells James-Paul that they can tell that he has something to say as a designer, but this week he did not communicate his vision.  Isaac tells Merlin that a good designer is the sum of his parts, and the sum of Merlin’s parts this week was a big failure.  Huh?  Anyway, as I suspected, Merlin is sent home.

Before leaving, Merlin says good-bye to James-Paul and Reco only.  He walks right by Anna, Big Bertha, and Daniella.  Ha!  What a pissy bitch!  I love it, though; that’s why he was always my favorite.  Merlin, you will be missed!!!

Season 1, Episode 9: It’s in the Cards (originally aired July 2, 2009)

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Thursdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Barbara Nitke