Top Chef Masters: For Fans Only

Since last week was an entertaining and interesting episode, I can only expect to be disappointed this week.  But first, our new chefs and their charities: Rick Moonen of Rick Moonen’s Seafood et al. (Cape Cod Commercial Hook Fisherman’s Association); Nils Noren of The French Culinary Institute (Friends of The French Culinary Institute); Lachlan Patterson of Frasca Food and Wine (The Children’s Hospital); and Michael Chiarello of Bottega (Clinic Ole).

Quickfire.  Kelly (with a Klimt painting on her dress) tells them to turn a classic junk food item into an item of fine dining.  The judges are crazy man Jeff Lewis and his lackeys from Bravo’s Flipping Out . . . because they eat junk food on the show.  What’s next?  Create cocktails for the Real Housewives of New York?!?  Lame!  Anyway, Rick doesn’t finish his dish and so he’s probably not going to do well.  Between Lachlan (hot dog), Michael (fish sticks), and Nils (fried shrimp), the judges like.  Please note that Jeff giggled when someone said she liked Michael’s “balls” (in accurately describing his dish of fish balls).  Michael and his balls win!

Elimination Challenge.  Cook a three-course meal for 100 people.  The event is a party for Top Chef’s “biggest fans.” (No, I wasn’t invited.)  And once you finish laughing at that concept, note that it’s not a three-course meal but three types of hors d’oeuvres.  At the Whole Foods, we see the chefs are going to do a dessert for their third course . . . take note, regular Top Chef contestants, you need to be able to do desserts.

Service.  We begin with Michael saying, “If I had a smile like yours, I wouldn’t have to cook for a living.”  I’ll need to remember that one.  Sweet P from Project Runway 4 is apparently one of Top Chef’s biggest fans, who knew?  I believe I see Jerell (Project Runway 5) in the background as well.  So it’s not all Top Chef fans, but also people from other Bravo shows?  Ok, I’m not bitter.  But Gael doesn’t like lawn cuttings in Michael’s ice cream and Jay compares proper panna cotta to breasts.  Well, that would have been good to know during the fetish dessert party challenge of Season One.

Critics’ Table.  First things first, Gael’s hat isn’t offending me this week.  Second, I wish Gail Simmons (or someone who’s not afraid to be critical to the chef’s faces) were back on the panel this week.  Anyway, no one giggled when Lachlan said he “boned out” his meat but I guess this panel is more mature than the earlier crowd.  The back and forth is uninteresting because these guys never say anything really critical until the chefs aren’t in the room; I guess they were raised right–only speak ill of people behind their backs.  And to be fair, the panel isn’t that bad but it’s a trend I’ve noticed in every week except when Gail told it like it is.

During the commercial, we see an outtake where Rick’s blender burps up in his face.  It looked better in the preview.  When we return, Rick beats Lachlan even though Rick received no points for the first round.  But it’s not enough to win, as Michael gets the highest score, with Nils tying with Rick.  Of note, Rick probably would have beaten Michael if he had served anything in the Quickfire, and he ends by saying he got the highest score from the people, kind of like the People’s Choice Awards, which we all know means the most because it’s from the people.

Next week: We fill our last spot for the six semi-finalists.

For another opinion on this episode, check out That’s What She Said… by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: Miniaturize Me (originally aired July 15, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal