Top Chef Masters: That’s What She Said…

This episode is called “Miniaturize Me,” and it’s about transforming food and shrinking it down. But really, there’s so many opportunities to go all Michael Scott here, that I simply can’t resist. So let’s begin!

Four new chefs! The Swedish chef, Nils Noren; the young gun, Lachlan Patterson; the smug TV personality Michael Chiarello; and the ADD chef, Rick Moonen.

Quickfire. Kelly steps out in a dress that looks like the result of a Project Runway challenge designed by someone who ended up in the bottom three. And I thought of that before I saw tonight’s special guests. The chefs must gourmet-atize different junk food dishes. The judges are junk food lovers Jeff Lewis and his Flipping Out co-stars.

Rick chooses a corn dog, and Nils picks fried shrimp. Michael reinvents fish sticks, talking about the junk food like he’s never seen any of it before. And I’m sorry, but you were a child and teenager before you were a chef, so don’t pretend you’ve never seen mozzarella sticks. Lachlan chooses hot dogs and sees Michael as his biggest threat – they have similar cuisine backgrounds, but Michael has traveled more. Rick talks about his ADD, and how becoming a chef satisfied the chaos in his brain. Nils promotes the highly valued Swede quality of punctuality, while Rick overcomplicates his dish, and ultimately, runs out of time, appearing not even close to plating.

Lachlan’s  prosciutto stufado with pork sausage (me: what??), aka hot dog, has a great broth but undercooked meat. Michael serves swordfish meatballs, pleasing the crowd because they’re fried. Jeff’s assistant describes them: “There’s three perfect balls, and I really like the color.” Paging Michael Scott! Nils presents poached shrimp with corn and tomatoes. Jeff’s team would rather the shrimp had been fried, and essentially, finds the dish far too healthy. And of course, Rick fails to serve a dish, eliciting a “Didn’t he have 45 minutes???” from Jeff Lewis with such disgust, you kind of want to smack him. I did, anyway.

Lachlan and Nils earn 3 stars, Michael 4 ½ stars, and Rick walks away with zero. Michael feels good about being “point-plus” ahead of everyone else, because he “came here to win.” Using a phrase like that makes Michael about as interesting as a houseguest on Big Brother. Look, of course you came here to win. If you enter a competition with no intention of winning, why are you there? I’m beating him up already because I’m rewatching this episode, and I was only suspecting at this point, the first time around, that Michael was kind of unlikable. The second time…yeah, he just is.

Elimination Challenge. Create a three course meal – miniaturized, natch – for 100 guests at a Top Chef fan-filled cocktail party. Each hors d’oeuvre should be based on an appetizer, entree, and dessert.

Shopping and prep. Nils decides to Swede-ify his food, using salmon for his entrée. He makes diced scallop, slow cooked salmon, and chocolate & goat cheese ganache (ew, right?), with a smoked tea whipped cream. Because Swedes like smoked tastes.

Michael likes to have “snap” in his dishes, to set him apart, you know. His menu includes a shaved brussel sprouts salad, spicy prawns, and balsamic marinated strawberries with basil and goat milk gelato. Rick declares he’s not going down without a fight, and creates a “slightly ambitious” menu. He makes an opakapaka ceviche, brandade of scallop and shrimp, and preserved lemon custard. Lachlan decides on a pineapple and speck fritta, grilled beef short ribs, and strawberry frangipane tarts.

Service. Critics: Gael, Oseland, and the return of Jay Rayner. The Top Chef fans roll in, including Sweet P and Jerell, the latter in an outfit, for once, that makes sense. Which just goes to prove that his outrageous clothing choices were because he was looking for a little extra attention. Then again, he was on a reality show, so I’m being redundant.

Michael immediately starts flirting with the female diners, and even before I didn’t like him, I found his manner a little sleazy. I’m hoping it’s habit from all the television shows he hosts. Or something. Running behind on his dessert, he suaves his way into convincing a few of the ladies to help him prep. They do, so he must be good at being cute. Or something.

Michael’s salad would be good at a seated dinner – for some reason, it doesn’t translate to a standing cocktail party. His spicy prawns offend Gael because of the necessity for a knife, and the other critics find the prawns too oily. Gael doesn’t like lawn cuttings in her dessert, but Jay says that though it shouldn’t work, it does.

Lachlan’s pineapple fritta loses taste because of the frying. Lachlan’s entrée should have been his appetizer. The tart has a meat-like taste, which, as you can imagine, doesn’t work well with strawberries.

Rick’s ceviche causes a fan to say, “It’s heaven in my mouth.” The critics enjoy the flavors and the textures. The brandade is perfect, the sauce “is like a warm little finish afterwards.” The critics say that the panna cotta is “creamy and wonderful.” Jay clarifies that “a good panna cotta, if it’s set right, is meant to wobble like a woman’s breasts.” Oseland reluctantly agrees.

Nils’ appetizer scores for presentation and taste. His salmon impresses the critics for his visual aesthetic, and also because it is perfectly cooked. The smoked whipped cream of his dessert dooms him, however, as no one seems to like it. Sweet P says it was too smart for her. I don’t think anyone’s surprised, since Tim Gunn isn’t here to improve Sweet P’s palate. Look, I liked her, but she couldn’t think for herself during the run of her season. I’d rather listen to Jerell.

Critics Table. Let’s go right to the scoring, since we don’t learn anything new over deliberation. Lachlan bottoms out with 15 ½ stars, and Rick and Nils tie at 17. Quite a comeback for Rick, who entered the Elimination Challenge with zero stars. He takes pride in having the highest audience score, but even that can’t beat Michael’s 19 ½ stars. Basically, had Rick scored at least 2 ½ stars during the Quickfire, he’d have won. That’s a shame, because Michael’s a little too insufferable. But he does win money for his charity, and that’s what this is all about, after all. As if!

Next week: The snark comes out! From the chefs, not from me.

For another opinion on this episode, check out For Fans Only by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 5: Miniaturize Me (originally aired July 15, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal, Kelsey McNeal