Top Chef Masters: I Could Just Lick That Up

Finale time!

Here’s the only thing I care about: That Chef Michael Keyarello (nee Chiarello) doesn’t win. It would ruin the whole season.

And so! Hubert vs. Keyarello vs. Bayless. This week’s Quickfire is a ride in a luxury SUV, all three chefs shoved into the back row. Who can survive the longest?? They drive up the coast to The Getty Villa, which Hubert claims as being “on the level” worthy of the Masters’ finale. Uh, sure.

Elimination Challenge. Create a series of dishes based on each chef’s career: A dish inspired by their first food memories; the meal that inspired them to become chefs; the meal that represents the opening of their first restaurant; and a meal that looks into the future of where their styles are headed.

Rick calls it a dream assignment, and Hubert says it’s “the perfect challenge.” Keyarello repeatedly tells us that he is a Storyteller, implying that because of the storytelling nature of this challenge, he will rock it. I’ve rolled my eyes once already. Guest diners will be Colicchio (!), Gail (!), Padma (!) and the previous winners of Top Chef. Keyarello is “shocked” that the previous winners will be judging the Masters. This guy really has an ego problem, doesn’t he?

The Masters share a meal and swap memories, and we see lots of old pictures. It’s a nice way to get to know these chefs. Keyarello proudly calls himself the scrappy one, and Rick wants to dignify the underrated Mexican food and has less formal training than his competitors. Hubert continues his tradition of not smack talking; instead, he fondly talks of the food.

Rick’s most challenging dish will be his second course, which took him 20 years to master with its endless number of ingredients. Hubert and Keyarello use truffles, but Rick breaks it down for us novices: “Yeah, you can slice truffles over a dish and say it’s special. But it’s not really, it’s just expensive.” I love Rick. Hubert talks about his third dish, a lamb chop wrapped in vegetable mousseline, with a garlic clove in the center, blanched three times to take away the sharpness of taste. Noted. The seafood for Rick’s fourth course ends up slightly overcooked.

On Day Two, the Masters arrive to a video package of their sous chefs wishing them good luck from their employees. Which seems weird, because two seconds later, the sous chefs arrive in person to assist the Masters for the remainder of the challenge. I guess Keyarello can’t blame his sous chef this time if there’s a problem in the preparation.

Service. The Critics return: Gael, Oseland, Rayner. The results:

Rick: Barbecued quail with hickory “house” sauce, sour slaw and watermelon salad; ahi tuna with oaxacan black mole; achiote-marinated cochinita pibil with sunchoke puree and crispy pig’s feet; arroz a la tumbada, tomato-jalapeno broth and chorizo “air.”

Hubert: Laundry day lunch, Baeckeoffe: lamb, beef, pork, potato stew; Salmon souffle with caviar and riesling sauce; lamb chop with vegetable mousseline and blanched garlic with merlot sauce; sweetbreads with perigord truffles on scrambled eggs & spinach, with wagyu beef cheeks and celery puree with pinot noir, lemongrass & ginger sauce.

Keyarello: Gnocchi two ways; polenta with rabbit, asparagus and wild mushrooms, grilled duck and rabbit liver; ginger-stuffed rouget, mango salad, fresh wasabi, and bottarga; brined short ribs with 5-onion cavalo nero & essence of smoldering vines.

Compliments all around on nearly every part of every dish, which you would expect from our Masters at this point but isn’t so much fun to write about. Imagine lots of oohs and aaahs and “I could just lick that up” (Stephanie) and “I … want to bathe in it” (Gail) and “You could probably bathe Gail in it” (Colicchio). Who needs context? So instead, let’s focus on what the diners and critics didn’t like. Ilan finds Keyarello’s third course a little one dimensional. Hubert’s third course also struck the diners wrong – many of the diners found the garlic undercooked and unnecessary, and Padma found the vanilla taste too jarring. As for Rick’s last dish, Rayner says it’s “not Rick’s greatest dish,” and compares the foam to a granny in hot pants at a wedding. Or something. Harold’s “did he just say…?” expression in response is priceless. Colicchio liked it, but thought it suffered due to timing and the wait during a four course meal (or it was overcooked, which the diners don’t realize).

Hosea especially loves Rick’s dishes, and Harold found a newfound respect for Hubert and French-cooking. Keyarello’s final dish stole Padma’s heart and ran away with it, which saddens me, because I like Padma.

Critics Table. We see reviews of only two dishes per chef, one nothing but compliments, and the second an attempt to criticize. Each chef had one misstep on their menu, so they remain pretty tied at this moment. Hubert seems the most distraught that he might have served something that the diners didn’t like – as if he owed them an apology. He’s the cutest man ever, isn’t he? Much of the diners’ comments are repeated here, so let’s get to the points!

Hubert, though adorable, surprisingly loses to Keyarello, which makes me demand a recount. He finishes out with 16 ½ stars, and Keyarello earns 17 stars. Rick, however, saves us all from endless Keyarello ego, and wins it with 18 stars. I like that Keyarello was primed for so long to fight against Hubert, but in the end, he never considered Rick and his Mexican food a real threat. Take that, Chef Michael “What’s My Name?” Keyarello! Viva Rick!

And now, here we are, at the end. As for the season itself, I enjoyed Top Chef Masters. Though many have found it a touch boring, I like the idea of these trained, famous chefs, running around performing the same tasks we’ve seen our “cheftestants” perform, and the humbling experience it can be for them. I like that many of the Masters are fans and up for some fun competition, with emphasis on fun. Also, the camaraderie has been a nice change of pace to some of the every-man-for-himself attitudes. So – enjoyable to watch, most certainly. Must see TV? Definitely not. However, compared to a lot of the other reality and scripted fare out there, I’m happy that I spent my summer here, rather than in a Big Brother house.

So thanks to all who’ve been following along. Now let’s all go out and eat! (And watch Top Chef!)

For another opinion on this episode, check out From Pit Master to Top Chef Master by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 10: Top Chef Master (originally aired August 19, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

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Final Destination

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Top Chef Masters: From Pit Master to Top Chef Master

Again, I was gone last week, but I’ve watched the episode and all I’ll say is Michael, like Tawana, told the truth and I liked his style.  And poor Anita, who got screwed by the unnecessary twist thrown into the challenge and her food was not going to work in the new setting.  I’m not saying it was a conspiracy, but hey.

Our remaining three chefs, Michael, Hubert, and Rick, head out to The Getty Villa where Kelly tells them that their last challenge will be about history . . . their history.  In short, they are to create a four course meal based on their lives: (1) their first food memory, (2) the dish that made them want to be a chef, (3) something representing their first restaurant, and (4) where they’re going in the future.  Joining the diners will be the usual critics, plus some old favorites: Tom, Gail (!), Padma, and the previous winners of Top Chef.  While we ponder the challenge, the chefs eat and talk about their childhoods while we see awkward childhood photos.  Of note, Rick has always had fun facial hair.  We later see that Hubert also had a full, dark beard at one point, and Michael looks the same as he did when he had darker hair.  (Michael’s later photo of his “fro” period, though, wasn’t so hot.)

And then it’s time for a surprise.  They play a DVD of their respective sous-chefs wishing them good luck.  And then the doors open up and in walks their sous-chefs to help them out.  Michael is so happy he sings the theme from Mighty Mouse.  Haven’t heard that one in a long time.  Anyway, cooking, cooking, more fun old photos, Rick throws a pig’s head on the table, and Hubert’s talking about sucking garlic.

Service.  Instead of talking about the dishes, I’m going to dish on the Top Chefs.  I think this is the first time Ilan has been on this show and not looked like a tool.  Progress!  Our other Top Chefs are looking interesting.  Harold seems wise looking, like he’s over all of this, and I wonder if he really is.  Still, he’s still the classiest cheftestant ever to be on the show.  Hung seems quiet and I barely recognized Stephanie.  Hosea finally speaks but they cut away fast.

The second dishes have very interesting presentations, including Michael serving his food in a mason jar with a decoupage underneath.  He explains it’s burnt copies of James Oseland’s magazine, Saveur.  James laughs.  I laugh and like Michael even more for this stunt.

By the third course, I really want to go to Hubert’s restaurant, hoping the dishes there are as creative and fabulous looking as what he’s presenting on the show.  And then Padma says some brilliant critiques that show how great she is on Top Chef and reminds me of how lousy the critics were with their comments on this show.

We end with Rick serving something he calls “air” but we just think of foams (where’s Marcel?).  Jay calls the foam granny panties or something wry and British.  I don’t get it so let’s get to the Critics’ Table and put this show to bed.

Critics’ Table.  We get the usual combo of ass kissing and slight criticism.  Except Gael loses it when talking about “air.”  She thinks it’s all a trick against her and she doesn’t like it.  It was the best ten seconds of her appearance on this show.

In the end, James feels so comforted by Hubert’s food, but it’s not enough for the win.  That goes to Rick, and after seeing him on this show, I plan to go to one of his restaurants the next time I’m in Chicago.  For those who care, Michael came in second and Hubert last by only half a star.  Whatever, Hubert is still awesome.

And that was the first season of Top Chef Masters.  Generally, I found it boring episode to episode until it got to the finals.  One thing I enjoy about Top Chef is watching the same chefs week after week develop and try new things in the unusual formats of the competition.  And as I’ve been complaining about all along, they either need to tell the critics to step up their criticism or they need to bring back the regular Top Chef judges, who manage to get more comments out than bland praise.

For another opinion on this episode, check out I Could Just Lick That Up by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 10: Top Chef Master (originally aired August 19, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

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THE 5 LIVES OF CRISS ANGEL MINDFREAK FEATURES

WEDNESDAYS AT 10 PM ET/PT ON A&E

In his most daring season of “Criss Angel Mindfreak” to date, Criss Angel ups the ante by attempting five of the most dangerous demonstrations in magic. Each week he will attempt to defy the natural laws of science in new and innovative ways and will be challenged with a way to live… or a way to die. Each one-hour episode will feature a variety of different illusions and culminate in one grand, never-before-seen demonstration that will blow viewers minds.

The season will feature five death-defying one-hour episodes airing Wednesdays at 10 PM ET/PT.  The five episodes include:

“Mass Levitation” – Criss takes levitation to new heights by levitating an entire Las Vegas crowd whose safety he is responsible for.  This demonstration requires intense concentration, should he fail some will fall and face certain injury.

THE FIVE LIVES OF CRISS ANGEL MINDFREAK, airs Wednesdays at 10:00PM ET/PT only on A&E.

Visit the official site to play the “Kill Criss Angel” game and to check out the Criss Angel Augmented Reality Experience

Ponyo – Miyazaki Returns!

I’m not usually one to succumb to hype (Hangover was good, but it wasn’t as good as everyone would have you believe). Everyone who’s ever seen a Hayao Miyazaki film will tell you to immediately go see Ponyo, the director’s latest import. And I’ve seen more than a few Miyazaki films, so I feel qualified to tell you: Succumb to the hype.

As Hollywood runs around trying to up the ante on 3D animation, sometimes sacrificing smart storytelling in favor of really cool shading techniques, it’s refreshing when an animated film arrives that highlights the genre’s art yet maintains a high quality of story. Animated movies do not require an audience full of children. They only require a little imagination.

Which brings us to Miyazaki, a man responsible for great animated tales: Porco Rosso, Castle in the Sky, Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, and Howl’s Moving Castle. In Ponyo, his latest, a young goldfish with magical abilities finds her way to the surface and falls in love with a human. She magics herself into a five year old girl (since the love of her life is also five – it’s not as weird as it sounds). She raises the ocean floor and upsets the gravity of the earth and moon to reach him. But she’s five, so she doesn’t notice. And the boy’s mom is a modern lady, so she kind of gets it but doesn’t bat an eyelash. Because Ponyo’s adorable. Ponyo’s parents then set out to find a way to restore the balance of nature, while still allowing their daughter to follow her heart.

Miyazaki is known for dense stories and layered characters. Usually, they are driven by simple motivations, but their adventures are grand, the stakes high, and the challenges appear insurmountable. His animation, though traditional, and by comparison to the monster 3D extravaganzas we usually see now, seems simple. Nevertheless, he is a master at crafting images and colors without resorting to effects to remain memorable. Red-headed Ponyo racing on a sea water of deep blue fish, a yellow house on a hill surrounded by the ocean, Ponyo running around, holding a bright light or her green bucket. She’s a cartoon character with energy and passion, captured as effortlessly in animation as if she were real.

However, Ponyo is not Miyazaki’s best. Children have been the focus of his stories before, but Ponyo seems aimed at a much younger crowd than usual. Perhaps that is a result of Miyazaki’s original inspiration. Though as an adult there is much to appreciate, we will also notice the flaws. Ponyo lacks the depth of previous films, and the story’s easy resolution is at odds with the dire consequences of an unbalanced Mother Nature. Still, we recognize moments and qualities: how easily Miyazaki captures the enthusiasm of a child in a new world, along with little touches of movements and gestures so easily lost and overlooked in 3D animation and “big budget” projects. While this is no Howl’s… or Porco Rosso, Ponyo is still very much worth seeing for all of the things Miyazaki (always) gets right.

The solo adventures of a five year old and his little friend might be jarring at first glance, but there is one requirement to watching a Miyazaki film: remember the magic. Every character possesses a potential for greatness, every conflict hides its potential for resolution. Magic is everywhere and essential to the heroes’ success. His films tell stories with practical lessons and identifiable crises, set in worlds that require the audience to use their imaginations as much as he does. Miyazaki uses his imagination better than anyone, so be prepared to open your mind. Miyazaki will do the rest.

Merlin: Of Friendships, Famines, and Unicorns

After canceling last week’s episode of Merlin in favor of a sports tournament, NBC apologized to its viewers this week by airing two back-to-back episodes. Alright, so it wasn’t so much an apology as it was a way for them to catch up on their summer schedule, but whatever. I’ll take it!

The first episode of the evening brought us to Merlin’s village of Ealdor for the first time. Ealdor is being harassed and threatened by a group of raiders stealing their harvest and threatening the village with violence. Merlin’s mother, Hunith, journeys to Camelot to ask for help defending the village against Kanan and his cronies. King Uther sympathizes, but (and there’s always a ‘but’ with him), he cannot send an army to Ealdor because it is in another territory and that would signify an act of war.

Merlin decides to return to Ealdor with his mother. And now comes a dramatic, drawn out scene where Merlin tells Arthur good-bye and that he won’t be returning to Camelot because he needs to take care of his mother first. Obviously, we know Merlin will be coming back, but I guess the writers were just trying to get across some more Merlin/Arthur bonding screen time. It’s a medieval bromance!

Morgana and Gwen decide to tag along with Merlin, and Arthur eventually joins in on the trip half-way through. He couldn’t just come along in the beginning, you see. He needed his own separate, dramatic entrance because dammit, he’s Arthur Pendragon! I know this must sound as if I’m mocking the show in an awful way, but like I mentioned before, this sort of ridiculousness is what actually makes me tune in every week. That and Bradley James. But moving on…

Upon arriving at the village, we meet Merlin’s old childhood friend Will who is one of the few people aware of Merlin’s secret magical abilities. Will is played by Joe Dempsie who is best known as Chris from the British teen show Skins. Conveniently enough, the third season of Skins is currently airing on BBC America, but it’s nowhere near as good as the first two with the original cast including Dempsie.

Arthur believes the only way to beat Kanan and his men is by training the villagers to fight. Will is quite vocal in his belief that he doesn’t think this will work. He comes off as being very resentful of Arthur and perhaps even jealous of Merlin’s friendship with him. But maybe Will has a point: the villagers are not the strongest fighters and even Arthur is beginning to doubt his plans. Will also questions why Merlin won’t divulge his secret to Arthur and even Hunith thinks Arthur should know. Will this finally be THE episode where secrets are revealed?

Kanan and his men return for the attack and the villagers plus Arthur, Merlin, Gwen, and Morgana (who turns out to be one heck of a fighter!) begin defending Ealdor. It seems to be a lost cause, though, and Merlin knows he must do something about it. With Will standing by his side and Arthur in plain sight, Merlin conjures some sort of dust storm which gives the villagers a huge advantage and drives away the barbarians. Kanan’s not done, however, and begins a one-on-one battle with Arthur. Arthur manages to stab him, then stupidly turns his back before making sure Kanan’s dead to confront Arthur and Will about the dust storm. Before Merlin can say anything, Kanan uses his one last breath to shoot an arrow at Arthur. Will jumps in the way and is shot instead. Yes, he’s just sacrificed himself for Arthur (irony alert!).

On his death bed, Will tells Arthur he is the one who produced the dust storm sparing Merlin from revealing his secret. And then…he dies.

Following this episode, we find that Merlin and company are back in Camelot. The boys are on a hunting trip when Arthur heartlessly kills a unicorn. Bad move, buddy.

Arthur is very proud of himself and shows off the unicorn horn to the Court. Gaius isn’t as impressed; he informs us of a legend that says anyone who kills a unicorn will be cursed. Cue sniggering from Arthur who doesn’t believe a word of it.

The first signs of trouble come quickly, though. All the crop in the kingdom has mysteriously died overnight and all the water has turned into sand. Camelot is now facing a severe famine and drought. With no possible explanation, Uther declares the kingdom is under attack by – wait for it! – MAGIC.

A creepy wizard-looking guy is spotted by Arthur and Merlin wandering around the castle. They chase him down as best as possible and he finally appears to speak to them. Anhora, as he is called, is the Keeper of the Unicorns and he tells Arthur he is to blame for the misfortune that has fallen on Camelot. In order to save the kingdom, Arthur will face several tests to prove himself and make amends for the killing.

And once again, Arthur doesn’t believe a word of it.

While keeping watch over the small rations of food they have left for Camelot, Arthur and Merlin catch a looter. Evan, the looter, gives a sob story about how his children are starving. Arthur feels bad and allows him to leave with a bag of grain. The next day, water is back in the kingdom! Arthur has passed test #1!

Arthur and Merlin decide to track down Anhora in the forest. While on the search, Arthur meets Evan the Looter in the forest surrounded by bags of grain and fresh fruit. Evan’s sob story was completely made up and he begins taunting Arthur for letting him off the hook and being so kind-hearted, even to the point of saying Arthur is not worthy of becoming King. Arthur has heard enough and begins fighting Evan only to have him disappear and turn into Anhora. Clearly, someone did not pass test #2 and Camelot is now doomed.

Upon leaving the forest, Merlin and Arthur find out that every last grain of food has rotted. Not willing to believe there’s nothing else they can do to lift the curse (and also probably because he’s starving), Merlin goes back to Anhora and begs him to give Arthur another chance. Merlin mistakenly goes so far as to say that he knows Arthur’s a good man who would die to save his life. Well, if you say so…

Arthur must travel to the Labyrinth of Gedref to take part in the final test. He tells Merlin not to follow him, but we all know he will. In the Labyrinth, Merlin is captured by Anhora so he can use him in the final test. Arthur finally finds the exit to the Labyrinth which leads to a very scenic beach area.

The final test is a tough one: there are two goblets placed on the table in front of Arthur and Merlin. One of the goblets contains a deadly poison, the other is harmless. They each must drink one of the goblets in its entirety. After much debating and plotting, each one willing to die for the other, Merlin decides it would be best to pour all the liquid into one goblet. Arthur then quickly distracts Merlin, pours everything into one goblet and drinks it himself and passes out.

Note: passes out, NOT dead! What was in the other goblet was a sleeping potion. Because Arthur was willing to sacrifice his life to save Merlin, he proved himself a worthy human being and passed the test. The curse was lifted from Camelot!

I would say they all lived happily ever after, but the final two episodes don’t air until this Sunday!

Season 1, Episodes 10 & 11: The Moment of Truth and The Labyrinth of Gedref (aired August 16, 2009)

For more on Merlin, click here.

Sundays at 8/7c on NBC

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Nick Briggs

Rescue Me: Tell People To Start Stabbing Their Eyes Out

I hope you liked the last several episodes, because … that’s right … you guessed it… more of the same! So much for last week’s character development. I guess it was just in my head after all.

Gosh, where to begin? It’s all so … not exciting. First, rumor has it that Janet plans to invite Tommy for a weekend in the Berkshires for a second honeymoon and reconciliation. Sheila hears about this through the grapevine, so she invites Tommy over to hang her new television – though not a euphemism, it is an excuse to chain him to the bed with fluffy leopard hand cuffs, and speechify about Jimmy’s mistress and Tommy’s love of fire. And for anyone not understanding the metaphor, she uses a lighter to tease and torment Tommy while chained up. Basically, she turns into a psycho, talking about her lover/husband and his lover/mistress while using a lighter that the Other Woman gave him to seduce her new boyfriend. I was tempted to fast forward through everything, but I wouldn’t want to miss any crucial information. Except that there is no crucial information. So…thanks a lot, writers. Jimmy appears to tell Tommy that the Other Woman wasn’t Janet, even though Tommy begins to suspect as much.

Tommy, who doesn’t believe ghosts unless they’re bashing his character, invites Janet to dinner to ask her himself. Eventually, after Tommy tosses some tables and breaks some doors, she admits that she slept with Jimmy once, before she had married Tommy and before Jimmy had married Sheila. Both couples were on a break, so it doesn’t count. The most shocking thing about this scene? That no one stepped in, because watching this from the outside, one would have thought Tommy would be tossing Janet around next. Say all you like about New York, but someone should have said or done something. The two settle their differences, Tommy walks away with a slap on the wrist from the cops (barely), and they go their own ways.

Tommy then calls Kelly, and after he finally reminds her who he is, she invites him over. They swap backstories, quickly, and I appreciate the writers sparing me having to listen to Tommy’s issues all over again. She agrees to take him on as a pseudo-lover/boyfriend (weekends only and to address her needs), and then she sends him away so she can smoke pot and go to sleep. She once again denies him access to the silver case (not a euphemism) but we do learn she keeps it in her oven.

In other news, the crew are huge fans of The Real Housewives of New York City. There’s a very funny opening chase around a grocery store (which is far too large to be a real NYC grocery store) as the boys try to catch an avocado-stealing ninja. Then the fun quotient ends two minutes into the episode. Mike and Apache Stone should be playing for some industry person soon. Stay tuned, I’m sure it will be riveting. Lou is beginning to have doubts about Franco fighting a woman, but he doesn’t press since he’s focused on planning his second honeymoon with Candy. Especially since he plans and she pays. Carla phones Franco at the firehouse but he refuses to take the call – I’m still waiting to see if she’s the woman he’ll be fighting in the ring. And … well, that’s really about it. Or about all worth mentioning. Garrity shows up and has a rash, but as I said – nothing new.

Two more episodes. Thank God.

Next week: What’s in the silver box?

For another take on this episode, check out Frozen Foods and Love (?) Quadrangles by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 20: Zippo (Originally aired August 18, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

True Blood: Tick, Tick, Tick

The shift away from Bon Temps has brought an interesting flavor to the show, and as sad as I’ll be to see them leave Dallas behind, I’m excited to see what these cats will bring back with them. I’m sure it will be lots of drama, new ideals and maybe even some new love connections.

TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK…

I’m sure everyone was wondering what went down after Luke pressed that button. Well, there were no surprises here. Everything went boom. Fortunately, out of the ones we care about, no one’s hurt. Stan the Underling doesn’t make it, and let’s just say, Luke was left in pieces.

TRIANGULAR THEORY OF LOVE

Eric pulls a fast one on Sookie when he convinces her that he’ll die if she doesn’t suck the silver out of his hot body. It’s hysterical when she screams out “Son of a mother!” when she realizes what she’ll have to do. The conflict of Should I let the man who just saved me from that blast die because he’s icky? played quite well on Anna Paquin’s face. When Bill comes back, he lets  her know that not only did she get played, but she and Eric will now be connected. Oh, the look of horror!

We don’t have to wait a long time to see that connection in action. While sleeping peacefully beside her man, Sookie has a wet dream about Eric. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that raunchy. It was actually very sweet. They cuddle naked in bed, talking to each other. Eric wants Sookie to realize that she’d be a great vampire, and Sookie grasps, almost futilely, at the idea of Bill. Was it really a dream, or was he pushing into her mind? We won’t know just yet, but Eric does say, “This is the beginning.”

UNLEASH THE MADNESS

If you thought that things couldn’t get weirder between Tara and Eggs, well you were straight up wrong. They didn’t go as far as to zoom in on a heart pie cut open and oozing blood, but the response to last week’s partner-beating mayhem was just as creepy. Though Tara and Eggs seem genuinely shocked to wake up with welts and bruises, it didn’t take long for Maryann to twist things around to states of higher consciousness and the beauty of chaos.

Maryann, then. pays a visit to Sheriff Bud who’s been housing more and more crazies without explanation of their sudden wave of insanity. After hypnotizing him, she steals his keys and goes looking for Sam. He’s one smart shape shifter though and meeting Daphne did teach him one good thing. He can shape shift into more than just a dog. So he takes the form of a fly and flies away before she could get to him. She lets her other minions, basically half of Bon Temp, out of jail, most likely to wreak more havoc on the small town.

Later at Sookie’s house, Tara, Eggs and Maryann are boozing it up and playing cards. Lafayette brings Tara’s mom, Lettie Mae, because he knows some bad stuff is going down. He’s jumped to the conclusion that Eggs puts his hands on women in the wrong way, which is true, but no where near the whole story. Whatever the whole story is, he wants to get her away ASAP. Maryann gets all devilish, trying to bait Lettie Mae with some vodka, her old favorite, and then turns Tara and Eggs all black-eyed. Tara starts to strangle her mom while Lafayette and Eggs get into it. It’s so eerie to watch these two people so deeply lost with their flailing arms and guttural screams. But Lafayette is a big man who wouldn’t leave his cousin behind, so they grab her and run. She’s shrieking all the way, but Maryann tells Eggs to let her go because she’ll be back, and she’ll bring Lettie and Lafayette with her.

And though Tara may have gotten away, Maryann’s not going to let Sam go so easily. In a move to assert her power, she walks right into Merlotte’s, the wind a-blowing around her, and she demands that she get Sam, her godly sacrifice. And with that sea of black eyes, I’m not so sure anyone can disobey.

ESCAPEE

Since Sam turned himself into a fly on the wall, he’s visited Sookie’s place as well as Andy, who’s holed up in a motel. It’s interesting that Andy doesn’t seem to be susceptible to Maryann’s ways. I’m hoping that there’s something special about him like all the others who can withstand her temptation. Maybe there’s something in that Bon Temps water. Sam showing up all naked is a big sign of faith and also that there’s no where else for him to turn; no one else believes that something’s off with Maryann.

MOM DOESN’T ALWAYS KNOW BEST

Jessica and Hoyt take their relationship to the next level, bouncing back after the horror that was their botched first time and the discovery that she might be a virgin forever. Hoyt is sensitive and caring and completely deserving of more screen time. And she’s bright and fiery and a wonderful new addition. Hoyt’s mom Maxine isn’t to happy about his lady friend, pretty much admitting that she’s prejudiced in every sense of the world. He stands up for what he believes in though, basically saying accept my choices or get out of my life. She does attempt to meet him half way with a dinner, but when she says Jessica can never give him babies, Jessica’s fangs come out, and Hoyt and his girl ditch Maxine, leaving her to down a beer or more. Though there are symbols throughout True Blood for the depiction and denouncement of prejudices in the world, this couple is one of the best champions.

FALLEN

And one of the latest comrades of the champion to fall happens to be Godric, who not only wishes to eradicate these prejudices but understand why they’re formed and knows it has a lot to do with vampires’ past behaviors and their inability to change.

Since the bomb went off, Godric has fallen down the totem poll. Nan Flanagan, who I haven’t really discussed much, shows up to give him a spanking. Nan is the spokeswoman for the American Vampire League who’s often seen looking prim and proper and debating the Fellowship on the news. This time she’s all decked in leather and all business.

Godric doesn’t fight much, taking all responsibility for the, as Nan calls it, “huge PR mess,” even admitting that he gave himself willingly to the Fellowship in the hopes that something better for both sides could come out of it. He steps down as Sheriff but goes even further when he decides to commit suicide by sun. Eric is completely distraught, and Sookie stays with him until his last breath. That is if vampires could breath.

To see Eric’s softer side, giving in to feelings that we’ve rarely seen, sets us up to believe that maybe Sookie could see something in him. And it’s affecting when he asks if Sookie believes in God and if God will punish him. She replies that God doesn’t punish but forgives. The sun rises as tears fall down her face, and Godric laughs at the idea that a human is with him in the end. “In this I see God,” he says, and then he’s gone.

WRAP IT UP

So I was completely wrong to hope that Godric would stick around. That lasted, oh, two episodes, and I’m not sure his legacy will be left in tact much longer. After seeing and hearing about Evan Rachel Wood’s scandalous turn as the Vampire Queen of Louisiana, I don’t have high hopes, but I am ecstatic with anticipation of all the naughty things she may do. Hey, there’s got to be a good balance to make a good drama, right?

Season 2, Episode 9: I Will Rise Up (originally aired August 16, 2009)

For more on True Blood, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO and IMDbPro

Rescue Me: Frozen Foods and Love (?) Quadrangles

For me and all the fans of the show—and there are quite a number of fans, Emmy-nominating morons and the occasional philistine be damned—it’s hard to fathom that the supersized fifth season of Rescue Me is quickly drawing to a close. I could watch a new episode of this show every day, especially if they all opened with hilarious hijinks in a supermarket, as is the case this week. There is no sitcom on television right now that even comes close to being as effortlessly entertaining and screamingly funny as Rescue Me is, and this is a show that isn’t even a pure comedy!

The first image we see is what appears to be billowing smoke, before a clever reveal alerts us to the fact that it isn’t smoke and the boys aren’t at a fire; they’re in the frozen food section of their local supermarket. But even though flames aren’t a-flamin, the guys of 62 Truck find trouble. Or does it find them? I’m reminded of the line in Lethal Weapon 4 (remember when Mel Gibson used to be awesome and sane?) when Lorna asks Riggs if trouble goes out looking for him and he replies “No, it seems to know where I am most of the time.”

The guys are out shopping for ingredients for Lou’s Mexican feast, which is to coincide with the Real Housewives of New York marathon on TV (I hope that isn’t a real show). As they shop, Mike continues to wax about his band’s upcoming record deal audition, Needles continues to psyche Franco up for his upcoming lesbian bout/freakshow, Lou talks about how he and Candy are planning their second, real honeymoon, and Black Shawn (courtesy of Colleen) lets slip that Janet is talking about taking Tommy for a romantic weekend in the mountains as part of her sales package.

All of this is interrupted when Damian, on orders to round up some avocados, spots a shoplifter. He radios Lou, who replies that unless said shoplifter is on fire, he really doesn’t care. The problem is, the shoplifter is shoplifting the last two avocados. Lou presses Damian into action. “Drop the produce!” Damian screams. But the guy takes off running, and the guy’s “full of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shit,” meaning that he’s an acrobat. The whole team gets involved in taking this guy down. It’s almost as amazing as the supermarket action sequence in Hot Fuzz.

The rest of the episode is mostly concerned with Tommy struggling to survive the love triangle…actually, love isn’t the right word, let me rephrase. Tommy is struggling to survive the dysfunctional, manipulative, sexual dependency triangle he is embroiled in with Janet and Sheila. Actually, it’s a dysfunctional, manipulative, sexual dependency quadrangle if you count Kelly (Maura Tierney), although Tommy still doesn’t know what to make of her yet and neither do I.

As of the last couple of episodes, Tommy is being forced to choose between being monogamous (but not loving toward) with Sheila or being monogamous with Janet, and he’s delaying making his decision as long as he can. Hey, I would too. And as if the decision wasn’t a death trap as is, last week Shelia revealed to Tommy that the, until now, all-pure Mr. Wonderful Jimmy Keefe, cheated on her in the year before he was killed at Ground Zero. Tommy asks if Sheila knew who he had the affair with and she says no, and that it doesn’t matter anymore.

Jimmy’s ghost quickly appears to tell Tommy that he didn’t cheat on Sheila with Janet. But Tommy, having nearly beaten his brother Johnny to death (not too soon before Johnny actually got killed) when he discovered that Janet was shacked up with him, doesn’t trust Janet. If she slept with his brother, it’s not that far-fetched that she would have slept with his cousin.

So Tommy invites Janet to dinner so they can have a little heart-to-heart about this matter. Of course, since it’s Tommy and Janet, the heart-to-heart involves throwing dishes and nearly destroying the restaurant until the cops come to break it all up. I won’t tell you what the outcome of all this is, but let’s just say that the truth is revealed, and anyone who knows Janet won’t be surprised.

Sheila is mad at Tommy because she found out about the potential trip into the mountains with Janet (right, because I’m sure Tommy was real excited about that one), and Janet is…well, Janet. So Tommy’s only possible refuge is Kelly, which leads him to make a visit to her apartment. But we still have no idea what’s in that damn case of hers! It looks like we find out next week though. Another great episode for Rescue Me, but only two more remain left in the season. I expect big things to come.

For another take on this episode, check out Tell People To Start Stabbing Their Eyes Out by Jaimie Campos.

Season 5, Episode 20: Zippo (Originally aired August 18, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Mad Men: So this is what 1963 looks like

Ah, the Mad Men season premiere. It’s the kind of holiday that begs to be celebrated with costumed drinking parties and intentionally ironic sexist jokes. It’s a time to reflect on how much more sophisticated your tastes are than all those other Neanderthals you know who couldn’t find AMC on their remotes if they tried. (Although, granted, neither could you. Thank God for Tivo.)

I myself have been looking forward to this premiere since before the last season even ended. Yes, Mad Men is well-suited to the 13-episode format, but come on, if Fox could give us two seasons of So You Think You Can Flail Your Arms Around Prettily within, like, thirty seconds of each other, would it really have been that difficult to convince Jon Hamm not to do those three weeks on 30 Rock?

But I’m forcing out these complaints, to be honest. Because the truth is I’m still reveling from this week’s premiere. Pete got promoted! Peggy got a secretary! Sal got laid! (Well, almost.)

I loved every minute of the episode, even the parts I didn’t totally understand the first time around (why do visitors to the office have to sit in the room with the ant farm again?). So I was taken aback when, on Monday morning, I was talking to a co-worker who had never watched the show before, but decided to check out the third season premiere because of all the hype. I was encouraging her to go back and watch the DVD of the pilot episode, and said, “It’ll be different for you, though, since you already know who Don Draper is.” She looked at me blankly. She had no idea who Don Draper was. Because in the entire third season premiere, Don’s name is only mentioned, like, once.

Clearly, Mad Men is a show that caters to fans. Since I’m a relatively hardcore fan, the kind who gets excited at an offhand reference to North American Aviation being a Sterling Cooper client because I remember that Pete was desperately trying to land them at the end of season 2, but who still gets confused when we see flashbacks to Don’s Dick Whitman past because I can’t quite remember who his mother is and who all those other farm people are, I adored the season premiere more than was probably reasonable.

But let’s back up for a moment, for the sake of my poor coworker and others of her ilk.

Mad Men is about an ad agency on Madison Avenue in the early sixties. The main protagonist is the agency’s creative director, Don Draper, an advertising genius with a mysterious, tortured past who only cheats on his wife because he loves her (except when he doesn’t). Secondary protagonists include Peggy Olson, Don’s onetime secretary who’s been promoted to become the agency’s first female copywriter at the ripe old age of 23, and Pete Campbell, a young staffer who rivals Don for misogyny, hilarity, and hotness.

There’s lots more I could go into about these characters and others – there isn’t a single wasted character or less-than-perfect actor on this show – but lest this review turn into the Poptimal.com equivalent of my senior thesis on corresponding symbols of hand-washing in Macbeth and L’Etranger, let’s just focus on the season 3 premiere, shall we. If you want all the goods on the time Peggy secretly had Pete’s baby or Joan’s difficulties with her fiancé, Google it.

Last season’s seemingly climatic finale turned out to be not as significant as some of us (like, um, me) might’ve thought. Don did not march off to start his own agency, with Peggy and Sal in tow and his half a million dollars in seed money. Instead, apparently, the Brits simply fired Duck. (Poor Duck, I do miss him. I hope he found his dog. And a good rehab facility.) They’re laying people off, too, although all our old friends are doing fine. Ken and Pete even get promoted to co-Heads of Accounts. (Ken is thrilled; Pete is too, until he finds out about the “co” part, at which point he throws a hissy fit that is pure vintage Pete Campbell. Man, I love me some vintage Pete Campbell.) Don is doing just fine, too, and even gets to jet to Baltimore, accompanied by Sal for some reason, to reassure an anxious client and hook up with a flight attendant (poor Betty – but at least it’s unlikely he’ll fall in love this time).

Meanwhile, we meet a few new characters who arrived along with the merger – a Mr. Pryce, who’s some sort of new SC higher-up, and a Mr. Hooker, who demands to be addressed as such, and who serves as Mr. Pryce’s secretary – oh, excuse me, his “right arm.”

We don’t see that much of Peggy, Joan, Roger, or Betty this time around, but there are still 12 episodes to go. The premiere was, appropriately, all about setting the scene.

And what a scene it was. From Pete’s secret happy dance, to Sal’s first kiss, to Mr. Cooper’s tentacle porn wall art, the show was as good as it gets. Mr. Pryce can’t speak for anyone else, but he likes Pete. Sally’s taking to Don’s tools like a little lesbian. Sal’s never seen a stewardess that game (but we all know Don has).

All is well on Madison Avenue. Stick around – it’ll be an excellent thirteen weeks.

Season 3, Episode 1: Out of Town (originally aired August 16, 2009)

For more on Mad Men, click here.

Sundays at 10PM/9C, AMC

Photographs courtesy of AMC and Carin Baer

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