Rescue Me: Happy Days: Miami

What the what? Was there something resembling “character development” this week? I blinked during the episode and almost missed it! And no sex again? I could get used to a show like this, assuming that any of this week’s life lessons carry over beyond tonight. Not that I expect them to – I’m not the delusional alcoholic here.

And so! First, Needles informs Tommy about his role as Lou’s best man, while also conceding that though Tommy’s no Opie, he does have a certain David Caruso thing about him with the hair, the sunglasses, and the voice. I hope I forget that, because those three things and Horatio’s tendency to enunciate like Captain Kirk makes CSI: Miami unwatchable. I have enough to deal with here without being reminded of that every week. Tommy confronts Lou, who accepts responsibility for the David Caruso connection. Lou then unabashedly rips into Tommy for being a horrible person and friend and generally unsupportive. Why Lou had Needles do the telling, I don’t know, since Lou’s not intimidated by Tommy at all. But it means Needles gets screen time, and I find I’m a Needles fan.  The resulting confrontation leads to Lou taking a stand (RIP John Hughes) with his calling Tommy a whore. The “argument” devolves into a shoving match with stunt doubles and stunt-shoving. When the two finally relax, Lou names Tommy as his best man, and Needles as the buffer. Which … I thought we established last week. At the ceremony, Needles will step in if Tommy turns into a jerk.  (FYI – All goes well.)

But the most interesting attack Lou lands against Tommy is the shot about Tommy sleeping with Sheila. Tommy makes such a big deal about Jimmy’s death on 9/11 and the heroic immortalization of all the firefighters lost that day. Essentially, if Jimmy died running into a building struck down by terrorists, remembered as a hero and now legend, isn’t Tommy kind of the biggest dirtbag in the world for jumping his widow, just for sex? Isn’t that kind of blasphemous, when Tommy’s the one who holds all things Jimmy and 9/11 to be sacred?

A visit to Sheila’s encourages this point. Tommy and Sheila romantically reminisce about their first date and make-out session, before she married Jimmy.  Tommy punched some guy in the face for looking at her ass, and she called a halt to their almost-relationship right then because he was “too dangerous.” Jimmy was the stable, sane one and the kind of guy she needed then.  Tommy slowly realizes that he was this close to ending up with Sheila, that he almost had this other life, with this other woman who might have complemented him better than Janet. And his jumping of his cousin’s widow might be more of a result of his having always wanted her.  With Jimmy gone, Tommy was finally free to do so. Or maybe I’m just really reading into all of this. Either way, Tommy becomes very reflective.

In other news, Franco agrees to fight a girl, because he’s dumber than he looks. Or something. Candy’s uncle loved her and willed her part of his fortune when he died, so she’s loaded and making Lou sign a pre-nup. We gloss over whether or not she plans to pay him back the money she stole way back when. Lou and Candy marry at the bar, with Lou already questioning his decision. Oh, and Jimmy had an affair a year before he died, which he kept secret from Tommy. Uh oh!

Maura Tierney returns to the firehouse, because her date with Mike went south when he started singing Apache Stone songs during foreplay. She hits on Damien for some Cougar-loving. They set up a date, but Tommy shows up instead to protect Damien’s honor. Tommy and Maura split a bottle of tequila, debate whether or not Tommy has a “David Bowie”-thing about him, and she reveals the case held photos, memorabilia, paraphernalia and really, really good weed. Also, Mike bets Tommy and Lou that Maura’s record exec friend will show up and sign Apache Stone to his label; the loser must shave all hair from his body. And here I thought they couldn’t top an orange penis. Paying this debt ought to be interesting.

And so, we have what is potentially the best episode in a long while, showing a tiny glimpse of Rescue Me’s potential (not the shaved penis bit). As usual, the show stops just short of fully exploring any real issues. With only a few episodes left to the season, we can only hope the writers finally start going places, but I’ve learned not to get my hopes up.

Next week: The mystery of Jimmy’s mistress!

For another take on this episode, check out Secrets, Lies, Fist Fights and Vitamin Water by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 19: David (Originally aired August 11, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro

Weeds: Yeah, That Just Happened

Let’s be honest here, I’m really getting a little fed-up with Weeds this season. Everyone has lost their minds, and this week they’ve completely crossed the threshold of things I’ll accept happening or having to watch.

Let’s start with the 14-year-old with the STD scare shall we? So remember when Shane had a threesome with those two girls from school? Permanently burned into your memory? Well, turns out those obviously wholesome girls had Chlamydia. Who saw that coming? Everyone? Yeah, okay. So the girls volunteer to check Shane out with a flashlight – leading real-life 15-year-old Alexander Gould (Shane) to say some lines I don’t know how his parents are OK with – and then Andy walks in and after some initial hesitation interferes. Shane tells him what’s going on, and Andy says he’ll help.

So Nancy and Andy take Shane to the doctor where Nancy’s mortified that her 14-year-old may have an STD while Andy seems excited to be able to help out in “his wheelhouse”. However, good news is Shane’s sworn off sex forever – which Andy tries to dissuade him of – but which both Nancy and me are totally OK with. Then the doctor comes in and says it’s not Chlamydia, it’s a yeast infection. Now Shane’s really mortified.

On the pot-dealing front – this show is called Weeds after all – Celia is doing very well selling Your Pretty cosmetics now that she’s throwing some grass in the compacts. She’s doing so well that she moves out of Nancy’s old garage. Doug sees her leaving, hears her tale of cosmetic success and sets off to get some cosmetics for himself. Of course, he doesn’t know about the extra gift with purchase that Celia’s been throwing in, because ex-hubby Dean told Silas and Doug that all of their pot was stolen. Also, in a moment of triumphant gloriousness, Silas punches Dean. I would have rather he punched Celia or Doug, but I’ll take it.

Leading the new mommy life, Nancy has wheedled her way back into the master bedroom by agreeing to share a bed – with pillow barrier – with Andy. However, neither one is getting much sleep as new baby Stevie is crying every hour on the hour.  Finally, Nancy and Andy manage to leave the baby with the housekeeper and escape to a restaurant where Nancy enjoys her ability to drink again. However, Nancy’s breasts soon start to hurt so she heads to the bathroom to pump. But the pump breaks, so disturbing me to no end, she calls up Andy to help her deal with the situation and “be the baby”. After very little cajoling, Andy agrees to help out. Yeah, that just happened. I’ll leave “that” up to your imagination – even though it was forced on my eyes against my will. Then later on, because I wasn’t scarred enough, in their shared bed, Nancy awakes to discover Andy having a little “Andy alone time” in the bed next to her. And that just happened. Leaving Andy to handle his own issues, Nancy goes to feed the baby.

Meanwhile the baby’s actual father, Esteban is freaking out about Nancy taking his son away from him and for pretty much dumping him. To help him feel better, Pilar suggests he go out with an attractive, wealthy Hispanic woman. Next we see Esteban he’s walking in on Nancy and Andy asleep in their shared bed with pillow barrier. Esteban is not threatened. He pulls out a ring and asks Nancy to marry him.  Half asleep, Nancy complains that they’ve already had this conversation but they go outside to discuss it anyway.

Curious about their conversation in the yard, Andy pays Shane $20 to go outside and spy on them.

In the yard, Esteban tells Nancy about his date with the other woman. She was perfect for him politically, but it didn’t matter because he loves Nancy. As Esteban continues to pour out his love a man comes up behind him and shoots. Cesar quickly reacts and shoots back. Nancy and Esteban are okay and the assassin’s down, but then someone calls for “Mom”. Shane’s slumped against the house holding his bloody shoulder.

Yeah, that just happened.

Season 5, Episode 9: Suck ‘n’ Spit (originally aired August 3, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Super Silas to the Rescue

Silas Botwin summed up this whole season of Weeds this episode when he said, ever so eloquently, “just when I think s–t can’t get any more effed up, s–t gets more effed up.” I couldn’t have said it better – unless I used the actual expletives he did I suppose. But really, finally someone has said exactly what I’ve been thinking all season. So as a thank you to you, Silas, I’m going out on a limb and declaring you my favorite character on Weeds this year.

This really is quite the come from behind victory for Silas. Last summer, I was hoping he would honestly get accidentally shot in the front yard or sent on a European adventure like the one promised him this episode. Last season and most previous seasons I really could’ve done without Silas’ moody, whiney, selfish, oversexed teenager bit. But this year, Silas has risen above. He’s tried to ditch his druggie ways, taken responsibility for his actions, attempted to become a legitimate member of society and stuck his neck out for his family. In short, he’s grown up and become quite likable, while the rest of the Botwin clan have seriously regressed and descended into despicability. (Need I remind you of last week’s suckling incident. If that’s not regression…)

Speaking of last week, younger Botwin (no longer youngest now that Stevie Ray’s arrived) Shane was shot in the arm by a random assassin on the front lawn. But don’t worry, Cesar was a nurse in the army and bandages up the bullet wound while supplying both the 14-year-old and his mother with plenty of alcohol to calm their nerves while they ran over the would-be assassin with their car. Ah, just a typical Monday in the Botwin family.

Back at Esteban’s house, Shane is seen by Dr. Alanis Morissette (her character’s name is actually Dr. Audra Kitson but I’m not calling her that).  In an actually very entertaining montage of people visiting Shane, Dr. Alanis gives Shane some Percocet, Andy promptly takes said Percocet, hopes Shane didn’t tell his mom he sent him out to the front yard to get shot and muses that if he swims in Esteban’s pool he’ll be just like a leaf drifting toward a drain. I think that metaphor’s pretty appropriate. Silas also stops by to issue his show-stopping line from above. Esteban promises to protect Shane in the future and gives him his watch – because that’s super helpful, Stepdad! Cesar begs Shane not to tell anyone he was a nurse and thug number 2 brings over some dirty movies. Then it’s Nancy’s turn.

Nancy – finally behaving sort of sympathetically, sort of – apologizes to Shane because he got hurt. Shane is none too bothered and remarks that “this is just something that happened today” and that “it was bound to happen eventually”. Nancy’s disturbed by this honesty, and Shane says she should be more concerned about baby Stevie Ray. Nancy cries that he’s her baby too and for a moment I almost feel bad for her. That’s until she goes outside, realizes it’s Cesar that’s been informing on her to the woman who wants to kill her, Pilar. She then shoots Cesar in the arm as punishment – though she makes sure to hit him on his left arm, since he’s right-handed. Always thoughtful and not at all crazy, that Nancy.

Meanwhile upstairs Dr. Alanis is stealing medical supplies from the birthing room that Esteban built when he was going to make Nancy have her baby off the grid. Andy asks her out again, to jazz, but when he can only name the muppet, Mr. Teeth, as an example of a jazz musician, she says no. Then Cesar comes in with his bullet wound and Dr. Alanis – caught with the medical supplies – is blackmailed into bandaging yet another wound. And Andy wonders why she won’t go out with him?

Downstairs good brother Silas checks up on wounded brother Shane and finds out that Shane hasn’t taken any of his pain pills. Shane reveals – in disturbing detail – how he likes the pain because it distracts him from having to think about things. Silas is freaked out because, well, see line up top.

Trying to get away from how effed up everything has become, Esteban decides not to run for governor and to separate himself from Pilar so they can get married. Nancy convinces him that he should run anyway, because he can win. I guess she forgot about her son with the gunshot wound. However, she does try to protect her older son and send him out on a European backpacking adventure. Now previous season Silas would’ve jumped at the opportunity to travel to Amsterdam and seduce Australian tourists, but this is new Silas. Refusing to go on the trip, Silas informs Nancy that he’s staying, moving in with Esteban, and taking care of his brother (who was floating through the pool, obviously drunk and requesting more beer). He tells Esteban that he better protect them too. Even Esteban looks impressed. Woo Silas!

I interrupt this Silas worship fest to bring you a short message from truly despicable characters I could do without this season: Celia, Doug and Dean. This episode, Doug failing to sell You’re Pretty cosmetics, discovers that Celia’s really been selling his and Silas’ weed all along and with Dean’s help. He confronts Dean, gets him back for the private-part-drawer-crushing incident, and vows to help him take down Celia, who is “scary good” at being a drug dealer. No shocker there.

Back to the Botwins!

With Silas’ grown-up decision to stay and take better care of his family than Nancy is obviously capable, Esteban and Nancy decide to actually get married in a small ceremony in the kitchen. As a wedding gift, Andy gets Nancy to put Esteban’s name on Stevie’s certificate and then bolts before the ceremony. Meanwhile way-too-happy Ignacio, bullet-wounded Cesar, random other dude, Silas and drunk-on-champagne Shane look on as Nancy and Esteban take their vows and feed each other chocolate Entennman’s cake.

However, never to be outdone in her bizarre ways, Nancy next appears in a conjugal trailer with none other than her former supplier, who several times threatened to kill her, old buddy Guillermo. He makes several lewd suggestions and then she tells him why she’s really there. She wants Pilar dead and does he want some cake?

Was Silas right, or what?

Season 5, Episode 10: Perro Insano (Originally aired August 10, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Oh man, oh man

This week on Weeds, Nancy’s given birth to her new son, Andy becomes a daddy, Celia becomes a dealer, and lots of manhoods are put into danger.
First, Nancy finds herself confronted by mysterious, evil Mexican woman Pilar, who essentially threatens to kill her mistake of a baby. She warns her not to list Esteban as the baby’s father. Unable to deal, Nancy actually listens and lists Andy as baby Botwin’s father instead. Somehow this seems like an even worse idea.

Upon arriving home with the little tyke, the older Botwin boys contemplate their new sibling. Silas concedes that he’s sort of cute and Shane remarks, in disgust, that he’ll probably want to play soccer. I think the Botwin boys are the only characters on this show I still like.

Meanwhile Andy tells Nancy he got a phone call for the hospital on new daddy classes, and she’s got some ‘splainin to do. She tells him she had to put someone down, and he says he’s through playing “baby daddy to her kids”. Was that what he was doing this whole time? When she says pathetically that she has no one else, he asks whose fault that is. Touché, Andy. Touché.

Off to spread his seed in other ways, Andy heads to the Ren Mar Women’s Clinic to ask out Dr. Alanis Morissette. In a surprising twist, she agrees to go on a date with him. However, in less surprising news, Andy gets about 5 minutes into his date with Dr. Alanis before she tells him she thinks she’s going to leave. She thinks she’d rather be at home in her PJs watching Friday Night Lights – wouldn’t we all? She further explains that she’s a doctor and he’s an overgrown child, in far more brutally honest words. Shocked at his own short-comings and eager to prove his adult manliness in other ways, Andy arrives home and tells Nancy he’s ready to be a father. Also, he wants the baby to be Jewish.

Complying with Andy’s wishes, the family holds a bris for new baby Botwin, now named Steven Ray. Dr. Alanis comes to the bris, plays Lady Pac-Man and flirts with new Dad Andy. Of course, she says she really came over because she can’t get enough of the baby gangster daddy drama. I think it would’ve been better if she winked directly into the camera after that line.

Then predictably Esteban shows up and is really upset about the Jewish thing. His son will be baptized. Nancy tells him no, he’s not the baby’s father anymore. He lost him.

I’m not so sure this whole thing with taking away the only male child of a scary and powerful drug lord who only let you live last season because you were pregnant with a male child is really such a shrewd idea, but you know Nancy.

Celia’s dealing with some shrewd ideas of her own this week. After completely failing to sell any Your Pretty cosmetics, Celia went to ex-hubby Dean for a little legal advice. Dean’s office, however, was full of pot since he agreed to get back Silas and Doug’s confiscated marijuana in exchange for Doug slamming his manhood in a drawer. Yowch! Celia looks around the pot-filled room and sees opportunity. If she puts drugs in her make-up maybe people will buy it. She’ll even cut Dean in. Dean says he can’t, what would he tell the guys. She tells him to tell them he got “robbed by black people” and they’ll believe him because of the bruises. Before Dean can even ask “what bruises?” Celia mans up and takes a swing.

So, in sum, Nancy dumped the drug lord, Andy’s a father attempting to be responsible, Silas and Doug have nothing, and Celia’s selling drugs. Oh man.

Season 5, Episode 8: A Distinctive Horn (originally aired July 27, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Weeds: Somebody’s Going to Emergency, Somebody’s Going to Jail

This week on Weeds Nancy has a new enemy: a mysterious Mexican woman that Nancy comes up with a creative nickname for. She does not want Esteban to marry la gringa Nancy. She is muy powerful and when Shane Wikipedias her, we also discover that she’s also mucho connected. In other words, she owns Esteban.

Shane looks at this information and suggests they leave now. He thinks she’s going to have this baby and then Esteban’s thugs are going to kill them for sport. Aiding fuel to the mounting fire, Nancy finds Cesar putting together a birthing room in house so that Nancy can have the baby at home. Cesar also tells her that her car is in the shop, broken headlight. She’s trapped.  Alarm! Alarm!

Panicking, Nancy calls Andy and tells him Esteban’s dead. Still sporting that Unabomber beard, Andy shows up and Nancy tells him Esteban’s not really dead, he just wants her to have the baby off the grid, probably so that he can take it and kill its mother. Andy agrees to help her get out, lifts her through the welded door of his ridiculous General Lee car (with only minor groping), and off they go.

In the car, Andy proceeds to make things more awkward by asking how Esteban is in bed, saying he seems like the throw you down on the table kind of guy. As it turns out, that’s exactly the kind of guy he is – as all of us who watch the show have seen. Andy points out that that’s why he and Nancy would never work (I guess other than the useless brother-in-law thing), because he’s not “rapey” enough for her. Lovely. Then, as Nancy sits there in glowing silence, Andy realizes he’s still in love with her, curses and declares that she’s “poison”. I think we can all agree that that’s pretty much true.

At Dr. Alanis Morissette’s office, Nancy tells Dr. Isn’t It Ironic that she wants to induce. Dr. Alanis thinks she should wait, but Nancy insists that she has to have the baby right away. When Dr. Alanis still hesitates, Andy steps in and explains the whole story with the baby daddy drug lord who probably wants to kill her and take her child. After thanking Andy for his discretion, Nancy cries and pleads with the doctor offering her a bag full of cash. Dr. Alanis says she’ll call the hospital and get it set up.

Finally catching on to what Nancy’s done, Esteban and Cesar come tearing through the hospital, gathering Nancy’s things. But then little baby Botwin is brought in. Esteban exclaims that Nancy doesn’t know what she’s done, but Nancy – calm and collected – asks if he’d like to hold his son.  He would.

So while Nancy’s third son was getting her out of trouble yet again, her eldest was getting himself into a bit of it. At their little pot club, Doug is continuing to spend all his time sampling the merchandise, much to Silas’ chagrin. Then, to make matters worse, their buddy the blackmailing cop, Officer Pete, comes in demanding $10K as an apology for the big bump he has on his head after Doug knocked him out last week. He threatens to charge them with assaulting a police officer, and Silas looks like he might cry.

Later that day a hot, young bikini-clad thing comes in looking for a job. Doug promptly fires one of their employees. When he asks why he’s getting fired, Doug replies that it’s so he can get laid. Ticked off, the employee goes to the back to complain to Silas who gets even more ticked off. Totally fed up with Doug, Silas calls the partnership off and storms out. Anyone else really liking this new, responsible, self-conscious Silas?

Later on, Officer Pete returns and Doug gives him his money. Dean also drops by with Silas to inform Doug that they are dissolving their partnership. Doug can’t stand the idea of the place being closed down so agrees that as long as they let him have a bowl in the morning, he’ll stay out of everything else. They all agree, just as a group of Internal Affairs cops come storming through.

Officer Pete tries to show his badge and get out, but it turns out that the fired employee is with them. They’re there for Officer Pete. They all get down on the ground.

Season 5, Episode 7: Where the Sidewalk Ends (Originally aired July 20, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime, IMDbPro

Entourage: The Lost Season

I’m going to term this the Lost Season of Entourage.  I’ve heard of filler episodes, but this is almost a filler season.  Unless the season culminates with Vince receiving an Oscar nomination and Eric proposing to Sloan, it was a waste.  And even those two scenarios would be predictable.

The latest episode finds the boys playing in a celebrity golf tournament for charity. Vince and Drama are paired with Mark Wahlberg and Tom Brady.  Pretty cool, but not for Turtle, a diehard Giants fan.  He almost lets his fanaticism take over, almost telling Brady that he “sucks balls.”  However, Tom Brady is apparently irresistible to every man, woman, and child on the planet – Turtle included.  He unwittingly diffuses the situation by inviting Turtle and Jamie to dinner with he and Giselle.  Who wouldn’t love kickin’ it with a Super bowl-winning QB and a Victoria’s Secret model?  Brady makes for a cool cameo, but it’s not enough to salvage the episode.

Random question: why do people love Drama? He’s annoying as hell. In real life you’d hate him, he’s a total douche.  Back to the show.

Eric’s celebrity partner is some old school high-powered manager named Murray Berenson, and he’s taken a keen interest in Eric coming on board at his company and learning the ropes.  Initially believing that maybe the man had a genuine independent professional interest in him, Eric is angry and surprised to learn that he in fact is Sloan’s godfather, and the pairing was her idea.  She thinks Eric would be an asset to Murray’s company.  And he would be, but Eric is beginning to feel like Sloan’s pet project/charity case, and it’s rather emasculating.  He confronts her and the two argue, but he refuses to take the job.  Although I don’t really like Eric’s girlfriend Ashley, I have to admit that she routinely gives him sound advice.  She urges Eric to reconsider the job. Why let baggage and issues with Sloan prevent a good career opportunity? I do think it’s good that he called Sloan on her bullshit though. They will probably reconcile.  The writers are keeping her around for a reason, and he mistakenly calls Ashley Sloan’s name at the end of the episode.  All signs point to them getting back together, if you ask me.

*Yawn* It will take more than Tom Brady to liven up this lost season.  Should I be wishing for Vince to flop again, is that the only way we can get some decent episodes?  This show used to be fun.

For another take on this week’s episode, read Tom Brady = Ratings Boost by Renata Sellitti.

Season 6, Episode 5: Fore! (Originally aired August 9, 2009)

For more Entourage, click here.

Sundays at 10pm ET/PT on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO and IMDbPro.

True Blood: Timebomb

THE BATTLE BEGINS…OR SO I THOUGHT
It looks like Godric’s got a plan of his own. After swooping in and saving Sookie, he snaps Gabe’s neck, but says they shouldn’t have sent her. Eric shows up, and it’s clear from the fact that Godric can sense him that their maker bond must be close. Eric tries to warn him of the Fellowship’s plan, even offering to fight them to get him out, but Godric appears in on what’s going on and tells Eric to get Sookie out of there without shedding any human blood.

Jason thought he was dead, and so did I, but the jokes on us when we find out he was actually shot with a paintball gun. Sarah’s so angry. She could kill him with that crazed look in her eyes. Jason’s still under the assumption that this is all about the adultery, but Sarah spills the beans that they have Sookie and that they think he’s a “wolf in [their] hen house.”

But it’s time to get back to Eric and Sookie on the run. I like these two playing together. The sexual tension is so hot between them. Yowzers, I’m burning up. They try to escape, but there’s really no where to run. Shouldn’t they have like a vamp call or something figured out? So keeping his promise, Eric doesn’t go down fangs a-blazin’, but offers himself up to sacrifice.

Bill is almost as helpless, still in his hotel room and trying to escape Lorena. She’s got bellboy Barry and is a little hungry, so she takes a nibble but notices he tastes different. It’s probably because he can hear thoughts and all, but they don’t get to chat about that because Bill bludgeons her with a tv and hightails it out of there after getting Barry to safety. He drops in on Jessica, who’s already picked up where she left off with Hoyt and is getting it on, and the three of them share an aaawwwkward moment before he tells them to get back to Bon Temps and zips away.

By the time he arrives at the church, Eric’s being held down in chains, Sookie’s got a gun to her head, and some bad things are about to go down. But accompanying Bill to the rescue is Jason, wielding that paintball gun, and Stan and the Texas vamp cronies. Bill and Jason just want to rescue Sookie and do a pretty good job of it, but Stan wants blood spilled.

No one’s backing down, and it looks like it’s about to be an all-out bloodbath, but Godric appears just in time, and he’s just as Zen as ever, calling his vampires to back off and asking Steve if they could come to some form of peace. Steve’s all shucks no, y‘all killed my family; just kill me now so I can be a martyr like Jesus. (This guy has such delusions of grandeur.) But all it takes is Godric’s offer to let all those who would leave freely and not fight to go, and Steve is left all alone and defenseless at his alter. The vamps are thirsty but loyal to their Sheriff, so they leave too.

There’s another tete a tete between Bill and Eric over Sookie (And it won‘t be the last.), and it’s getting even hotter in here, but for now she’s with her man (…for now) and they head back to party like Texas vampires do, I suppose, and pay homage to their recovered Sheriff.

At the party, Godric thanks Jason for his bravery and loyalty, and he realizes that all this time he’s had vampires all wrong. He apologizes to Bill, acknowledging what he does for Sookie and hoping they can be buds. But while they’re making up, Sookie’s meeting someone who’d rather put pleasantries aside. Lorena makes it clear she still has a stake in Bill (teehee), but Sookie shows her fierce side. So fierce, that Lorena almost kills her then and there, but once again Godric makes a stand, and proves that he has evolved the most out of all the vampires we’ve ever met. (He also lets traitor Hugo and Isabel go, as well.)

“This human has proven herself to be a courageous and loyal friend to our kind, and yet, you treat her like a child does a dragonfly, pulling off wings for sport. No wonder they hate us…You‘re an old vampire, I can tell. You‘ve had hundreds of years to better yourself, yet you haven‘t. You‘re still a savage, and I fear for all of us, humans and vampires, if this behavior persists.” (Yowzers! Break me off a piece of him!)

Godric throws Lorena out, and Bill lets go of her once and for all. It seems like the party could end on a happy note for all. But the Fellowship and Steve may have actually had one true follower because the Lukenator shows up, strapped with a bomb and ready to blow everyone to hell. Tick, Tick, BOOM!

FRAMED
And back in Bon Temps, everything seems to have turned upside down. Sam gets a creepy phone call and heads over to his bar where he finds Daphne’s body in the freezer, missing one heart. The cops show up pretty soon after, and it appears that our man has been set up. Andy tries to tout his “Sam was almost killed in the woods by a bull wearing a dress” story, but it’s like the boy who cried wolf at this point. No one will believe him. And Sam’s got a few too many secrets to come to his own defense. Without any faith in telling the true story, Sam’s locked up with a lot of other loonies who went a little “crazy” that night. And that defeatist look on Sam’s face just makes you want to pick him up and pet him.

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON HEART
Eggs is finally freaked out over the fact that he blacked out again and woke up in the woods. Tara’s being supportive, and Maryann is doing her own messed up version of support by making a dead girl’s heart soufflé, which they devour in ecstasy. (One of the grossest scenes ever, by the way.) Maryann just does her maniacal cackle as things get even more heated, and Eggs and Tara begin beating each other (and HARD) and find pleasure in it. They then proceed to have scary, black-eyed sex right there in front of her on the floor. They always seem to get so close to realizing something’s up, but I guess being in the heart of the storm makes it easier to get sucked back in.

AND THE AWARD FOR BEST COUPLE GOES TO…
Jessica and Hoyt can make you feel excited and sad and inspired all at the same time. It’s sort of how Bill and Sookie used to make me feel before they broke up and got back together and broke up a million times. And though, the two of them losing their virginities to each other was one of the sweetest True Blood moments ever, one of the saddest happened to be when Jessica realized that since she was a virgin when she was turned, she’s destined to constantly heal and therefore remain a virgin forever.

So are you loving Jessica and Hoyt as much as I am? Very rarely are new central character additions so well received. And what about Godric? He doesn’t want to drink blood. He accepts that human perceptions of vampires are deserved because of their previous actions. And he’s using his powers for good. He’s got so much to bring to the True Blood world. I just hope that he gets the chance to shed a little light on some of these vicious vamps, especially Eric, who’s only shown his softer side around Godric. I guess, that is if he survives the bomb at all. Okay, so there wasn’t an all out battle, but the results of the sham showdown have me on the edge of my seat and wanting more.

Season 2, Episode 8: Timebomb (Originally aired August 9, 2009)

For more on True Blood, click here.

Sundays at 9pm on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO and IMDbPro

Weeds: Catching Up

In a move a la Desperate Housewives and One Tree Hill, this week’s episode of Weeds has time warped us ahead six months to a very pregnant Nancy enjoying herself living in Esteban’s big old house. While Nancy showers, she and Esteban affectionately tease each other about baby names before she gets out and he tells her that he’s “decided we will get married”. He then gives her a large but ugly ring that looks straight out of a Cracker Jack box. Nancy walks in to the bedroom to find Esteban naked and is presented with the real ring, a big old diamond this time. Nancy says yes.

Downstairs at breakfast, Nancy tries to share her engagement news with Shane but he already knew. Esteban had a talk with him and Silas. Everyone knows but Andy. Ignacio then turns up to take Shane to summer school.

While mommy enjoys domestic bliss, at Silas’ medical marijuana shop things are getting dicey. Silas tries to refuse Officer Pete some pot because he doesn’t have a prescription and Pete mentions that they’ve been light on their bribe money lately. He pulls a gun on Silas and laughs. Silas doesn’t seem to think it’s very funny.

Shane also found himself getting into more trouble than he wanted when Ignacio allowed him to skip school. Instead the twosome went to the golf course to annoy and beep at people trying to hit some drives. Shane was having a great time, until one of the golfers responded by flipping them the bird. Ignacio promptly jumped from the car and with happy enthusiasm proceeded to brutally and repeatedly beat the golfer with his own club. And the fact that Ignacio was not his buddy but rather an incredibly scary, scary guy finally seems to have dawned on Shane.

Back at the Ren Mar house, a devastated Andy who has grown a particularly hideous beard, plays Pac-Man. Silas comes home and asks how much of Judah’s money he has left – Silas is worried about the cop. Andy says he’s spent it all and gestures at the house full of arcade games and various other useless things, as well as the General Lee car from The Dukes of Hazzard that’s parked in the garage.

Celia is working at Foot Locker and living in the Ren Mar garage, her daughter is spray tanning Doug (I’ll get to that in a minute) and after finally giving up decides to turn instead to selling Your Pretty cosmetics, which looks like the biggest scam there ever was.

After finding a biography of him in the bathroom (gross), Doug is trying to channel George Hamilton (thus the spray tan). Silas tells him about the problem with Officer Pete and Doug responds that, of course, they’re not selling that much pot with a cop always hanging around. He asks what George Hamilton would do. Later when Officer Pete shows up again and starts chilling in their swinging chair, Doug decides that George Hamilton would do the dumbest thing possible. So Doug tosses the cop from the chair and tells him to stop driving the customers away. The two fight. Pete takes a swing, misses and hits the ground, knocking himself unconscious. Silas looks like he’d like to jump out the window.

Outside the Ren Mar house, Nancy calls Andy. When he ignores the phone, the very pregnant woman kicks the door in. Standing right next to him, she continues to talk on the phone and leaves him a message. She says she misses him, that she’s marrying Esteban and that if he comes to see her please don’t have “a scraggly moonshiner beard unless you’re starting a cult in which case ‘go beard’”. (Sometimes this show’s funny – when it’s not disturbing the bleep out of me.)

Back at home with Esteban, Nancy wonders who Mrs. Esteban Reyes is supposed to be. In a move that surprised me, Esteban “Mr. Controlling” Reyes says she doesn’t have to change her name if she doesn’t want to. Then he goes off to fence and Andy stops by – still looking like a deranged mountain man. Andy sees Esteban fencing and mentions that he was a light saber fighting champ in High School. Why would you admit that? Esteban asks if Andy would like to fence. The two of them go at it for a little while until Nancy comes to investigate and Esteban swiftly disarms Andy.

Back in the kitchen, Andy pours out his thoughts and hurt and a little Hebrew blessing, and Nancy says she’s sorry. Ego-bruised Andy scoffs and says that when Esteban gets killed – making her a widow for the third time (Wow, I forgot about that DEA Agent she married. This girl is full of bad decisions) – he’s not coming back to make pizza bites.

Once Andy leaves, Nancy gets another surprise visitor. An attractive Hispanic woman storms through her house and argues loudly with Esteban in Spanish in the back yard. She then marches back through the house and leaves.

When Nancy asks what that was about, Esteban tells them they can’t get married. Things have changed. Seems like there’s trouble in gangster’s paradise.

Season 5, Episode 6: A Modest Proposal (Originally aired July 13, 2009)

For more Weeds, click here.

Mondays at 10pm ET/PT on Showtime

Photographs courtesy of Showtime and IMDbPro

G.I. Joe

Ok so I heard the buzz about G.I. Joe before I watched it, and opinions seemed to be mixed.  This baffles me, because I thought the movie was pretty effin’ dope. Good visuals, lots of action and special effects, and it wasn’t too corny. That’s more than I can say for Transformers 2.  I could even follow the plot, which I appreciated. I hate when these types of movies take themselves too seriously with the convoluted high brow storyline. Just blow shit up.

Starring Channing Tatum (Stop-Loss) as Duke and Marlon Wayans (Dance Flick) as Ripcord, the story begins with our soldiers escorting high level weaponry to its destination.  The two are not members of the Joes yet, but they are military personnel.  The weapons contain agents called nanocytes, little cell-like critters that were first introduced to fight cancer.  They can attack metal and level a city within several minutes.  They were manufactured by M.A.R.S., a private arms company helmed by McCullen, a European magnate, the last in a long line of military spies.  They are ambushed en route, severely overmatched and outnumbered.  Taking heavy fire, they are unable to protect the weapons from the would-be thieves, an outfit comprised of highly- skilled soldiers. Enter the Baroness, a leather-clad dominatrix-looking chick with a mean kick.  She and Duke have a past, and he refers to her by name.  Her lingering loyalty gives her pause, and she spares his life.  Meanwhile the G.I. Joes have arrived to intercept the thieves (COBRA).  They retrieve the weapons and the stage is set for Duke and Ripcord to join the most elite, covert operation comprised of the best and brightest soldiers from each branch of the military.  General Hawk commands the Joes, and is impressed with Duke and Ripcord.  After surviving the rigors of training, they are officially “Joes,” and their first task is to protect the weapons and avenge their fallen comrades before COBRA can steal the weapons back.  In the mix is McCullen, creator of the weapons but also in league with COBRA, unbeknownst to the Joes.

As the story moves along we are introduced to various figures from the cartoon series, and I always get a kick out of the real-life depiction of an animated character.  They even threw in the corny one-liners from the show like “knowing is half the battle.” It kinda worked but I had to roll my eyes when I heard it.  Anyway, I have to say that from a visual standpoint, G.I. Joe was a treat. I got that same feeling I had when I saw the first X-Men or the first Spiderman: that I was witnessing something pretty damn cool.  The movie didn’t make the mistake of taking itself too seriously.  Nothing based on a cartoon should ever be held up as a paragon of cinematic storytelling, but it was very good movie, and if you go into it with reasonable expectations I don’t think you’ll leave disappointed. This is the second movie based on an 80’s cartoon, and I think it was certainly as good as Transformers, and even better than the sequel.  There was a delicate balance between plot and action, and everything was expertly explained, whether through flashback or exposition.  Particularly compelling was the back-story between Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes.  They trained side-by-side as adoptive brothers until a jealous, evil act permanently tore them apart.  Oh yeah, and good guys wear black and bad guys wear white in this movie. Gotta love that. Regarding the performances, as I said there was some corny dialogue but for the most part the movie was sharp throughout.  Channing Tatum is a one-note actor, but again – he’s playing a cartoon character.  How seriously can I take him? The movie boasts a pretty decent cast that includes Dennis Quaid as Hawk and Sienna Miller as the Baroness.  They actually allowed Miller to fill out her leather pantsuit rather than adopt the waiflike appearance she’s sported in past movies, another nice touch. I get tired of looking at someone the size of Angelina Jolie and being expected to believe that she can kick someone’s ass. Both the Baroness and Scarlett looked like real women rather than toothpicks, which I appreciated.  Cool toys? Check. Ass-kickin’? Check. I can’t wait for the sequel.

Poptimal.com Monk Contest Giveaway

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