Entourage: Tom Brady = Ratings Boost

Nothing says “we’re grasping at straws here” like rolling out your show creator and an NFL God for celebrity cameos (see? I predicted it last week). Luckily for the writers, though, it worked! The latest episode was actually an improvement on the usual “suck factor” that has become the industry standard for Entourage this season. The boys from Queens took to the links for this episode, and here’s how the action unfolded:

E is still hanging with that girl who looks like a mini Troll doll, Ashley. During a romantic dinner with her, E gets a phone call from Sloan telling him she’s the chair person for the charity golf tournament that he’s playing in so that they could avoid things getting awkward, and E inadvertently makes things extra awkward with his curt responses. Then he doesn’t tell Ashley that he’ll be seeing Sloan at the event, thus a lie by omission (yes, boys, that’s considered a lie in female minds, don’t act surprised). At the charity event, Sloan says a big shot manager wanted to be paired with E and he ultimately ends up with a cushy job offer from the legendary agent. But, upon hearing that his goddaughter, Sloan, suggested E for the job he decides to decline the offer and then ream her out publicly. Whatever Sloan’s intentions have been for trying to secure a better job and a ‘big boy house’ for E, he was right to call her out for trying to mold him into better boyfriend material if she doesn’t even want to date him right now. E finally grew a pair, Amen to that…but then he lets Ashley talk him into reconsidering the offer, and it’s back to being a pushover. On the upside, though, E accidentally calls Ashley “Sloan” so that may mean she’ll hit the bricks soon, one can only hope.

Ari finds out his partner for the charity tournament is Jeffrey Tambor, who has been a long time client and the definition of high maintenance. Adding to the groan factor is the fact that Tambor brought his obnoxious kids to the event and spends the whole episode cheating to impress the little indifferent kiddie monsters. First, Mrs. Ari gets mad at Ari for not telling her about Andrew’s plans to leave his wife (and subsequent infidelity), banishes him to the couch and then yells at him when she finds his “will this get me out of the dog house?” gift in the driveway (if she doesn’t want the Maserati, Ari, I’ll gladly take it). Then, Jeffrey Tambor gets mad at Ari when he refuses to tell him who was having an affair at his agency and ultimately fires Ari. Oh well, Tambor was a cheater anyway, fudging his golf scores to lie his way into a new course record. The best part of that whole story line was the fact that Lloyd was Ari’s caddy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I heart Lloyd.

Then, Vince and Drama meet their golf partners, who just happen to be Mark Wahlberg and New England Patriots golden boy Tom Brady. Drama spends the entire episode getting owned by Wahlberg for his lackluster golf game and cursing himself out with each pitiful drive. Then he breaks Brady’s club (a real nice custom one, his was “straight off the rack” – best line in the show) by stamping on it in frustration. Turtle, a die-hard Giants fan, decides that he isn’t going to kiss Brady’s multi-million dollar arse, and while enjoying some non-golf course related grass decides to tell him that he “sucks balls” (as any good Giants fan would do, I fully concur). That is, until Brady invites Turtle and Jamie-Lynn over for dinner with the hottest cook in the world, his supermodel wife Giselle, and suddenly Turtle is all “Giants who?” Boys will do anything for a supermodel, priceless.

I find it ironic that for this show to improve this week, it had to lay off all that sappy dialogue and serious character development garbage and just get back to basics – shameless appearances by celebrity friends, smartass comments and of course, Turtle smoking lots of weed. If they’d rolled out some gratuitous hot girl sex scene it would’ve almost been like the old days, so close… But, I did love that Drama was prominently featured (and dressed like Bagger Vance) and that nothing came out of Wahlberg’s mouth that wasn’t smartass (I kept waiting for Drama to insult him back about the whole “Good Vibrations” thing but it never happened, sigh). I’m just waiting for the Lloyd story line to float to the top and for them to ditch E’s girlfriend because they have zero chemistry (the previews for next week look like I may get my wish). I’m glad they’re starting to take a step away from the mediocrity of this season, even if it is in baby steps.

For another take on this episode, read The Lost Season by Tanya Lane.

Season 6, Episode 5: Fore! (Originally aired August 9, 2009)

For more Entourage, click here.

Sundays at 10pm ET/PT on HBO

Photographs courtesy of HBO.

Comic-Con 2009: Dexter

Dexter was one of the rare success stories of the past year, actually gaining viewers in its third season, which featured Jimmy Smits as a murderous Assistant District Attorney.  Season 4 will bring about the return of Keith Carradine’s FBI Agent Lundy, who is in Miami to track down the Trinity Killer, played by John Lithgow.  We will also see Dexter adjusting to married life in the suburbs and how being a new father affects his work, both professional and extra-curricular.

The Panel:

The producers of the show, including Clyde Phillips, Melissa Rosenberg, Sara Colleton, and John Goldwyn are thrilled with how the show has been received, especially considering the dark subject matter. When asked about the show’s end, they said, “as long as Dexter has room to figure out human behavior, the show remains fresh and intriguing.”  They purposefully made his biggest challenges the same challenges everyone has, such as dealing with a girlfriend, sex, marriage, and children, but have to deal with them through the “prism of his special needs.”  Their goal in making the show is for us, as viewers, to reexamine ourselves because we identify with and root for a serial killer.

Previously best known for portraying gay funeral home director David Fisher in Six Feet Under, Michael C. Hall (Dexter) now enjoys getting away with simulated murder on a regular basis and playing a character who operates in shades of gray and causes viewers to rethink their definitions of morality.  He skillfully mixes Dexter’s darkness with levity and humor, without which the character would not be as relatable and the show not as palatable to the audience.  Despite being a three-time Emmy nominee, though, he admitted to letting himself off the hook occasionally when something feels fake because Dexter himself is fake. To prepare for the role, Hall read books by FBI profilers and met blood spatter analysts in Miami, but joked that there is not much else he could have done without committing a felony.

Julie Benz (Rita) compares her character to a train wreck, in that Rita has been gaining strength over the course of the show through her love for Dexter.  She does not know his secret because, like the wives and families of other serial killers, she ignores and makes excuses for the signs and chooses to see the good in him.  “People aren’t equipped to see the darkness in people you love.”  Even if she saw everything Dexter has done on the series so far, Benz believes that she would still deny it out of love.

While Jennifer Carpenter (Deb) would not go so far as to say her character knows her brother is a serial killer, she believes that Deb has sensed his darkness since her time on the table with Dexter’s brother, the Ice Truck Killer.  She is not “a dumb cop” and has helped solve many cases.  She thinks, however, that Deb avoids addressing his dark side out of a sense of self-preservation.

Four-Time Emmy Award winner John Lithgow (the Trinity Killer) was happy to have the chance to play a bad guy again, given that he is most frequently recognized for his role as High Commander Dick Solomon in the sitcom 3^rd Rock from the Sun.  He did point out, however, that the alien he used to portray is very much like the Trinity Killer because they are both looking at people and trying to figure them out.  Lithgow has filmed several episodes so far, but has not acted with Benz, Hall, or Carpenter yet.  He did not watch the series before he started, but has come to love how well-run and efficient the set is and appreciates the “genius casting department and solid writers.”

When season 4 begins, Dexter and Rita’s baby will already have been born.  His name is Harrison, in honor of his grandfather Harry.  He has yet to exhibit signs of Dexter’s Dark Passenger.

What other part on the show would the actors want to play?

Hall: Vince Masuka, because he has the funniest lines and is an intriguing guy.

Benz: Deb, because she gets to swear.

Carpenter: Dexter, because he gets to kill, and Angel Batista.

Lithgow: He is happy with the role he has, which he claims is the best part of the season, but would also want to be Dexter.

Other Media:

Dexter: Early Cuts, the prequel webisodes, will premiere on sho.com this Fall.  They will be voiced by Michael C. Hall.

If you want to get your Dexter fix before the new season, check out the novels by Jeff Lindsay.  The novels and television series originally began in sync, but then moved apart as the series began to develop its own storylines.  The producers do not foresee them reconnecting, so you do not have to worry about being spoiled.

Dexter: The Video Game will be available for iPhones at the end of the summer.  In that game, you can investigate crimes and plan out a murder.  All the characters are in it, including what appears to be the deceased Sergeant Doakes.

The season 3 DVDs will be released on August 18, 2009.

Dexter returns to Showtime in September 2009.

For more on Comic-Con, click here.

For more on Dexter, click here.

Photographs courtesy of Poptimal.com and taken by Ayang.

Top Chef Masters: The Vegan Zone

After my hiatus, I pick up on the semi-finals of Top Chef Masters, with Rick, Art, Michael, Anita, and Hubert left in the competition.  We begin, as always, with the Quickfire Challenge.  They are to design a gourmet burger for a panel of people who know their burgers: Spike from Season Four and owner of Good Stuff Eatery (hint: make ‘em extra greasy), Sang Yoon who won the best burger on The Today Show, and America’s Favorite Wannabe Muckracker Morgan Spurlock who knows about McDonalds burgers (which aren’t good for much as burgers except helping folks with hangovers).  Anywho, we see some interesting projects: Rick mixes cheese and guacamole, Art makes a cornmeal hoecake, Michael serves up an “enorme” hamburger (that will surely appeal to the all-male panel), Hubert also makes a beef cheese combo, and then Anita misses the challenge and makes a deconstructed cheddar soup with beef bites.  She scores the lowest and Michael and Rick tie.  (For those who care, we get few to no comments from any of the panelists but Sang Yoon.)

Elimination Challenge.  Create a five-course dinner party for Zooey Deschanel.  She’s a vegetarian but describes it as a vegan, and she’s allergic to gluten and doesn’t eat soy.  So that leaves a bowl of lettuce, right?

So they shop for produce and cook it up.  Of note, Michael juices a lemon with his mouth and Art talks about how gross rice milk ice cream is (it is!).

Service.  Zooey begins by talking about being so difficult but not as difficult as Michael’s pasta that won’t stop sticking.  Our regular critics are there plus some of Zooey’s friends and her mom.  Michael’s plating his pasta but the table starts to fall, thankfully the Angel de Hubert was there to help him.

Hubert goes first, after a waiter drops two of his plates.  He presents a timbale of avocado and asparagus.  The guests like it, even the one that doesn’t know how to hold her fork.  Anita offers a spicy grilled eggplant with lentil salad and cashew sauce; the reviews are mixed.  Michael serves his quinoa pasta with salsa verde and some dried heirloom tomatoes.  Zooey likes eating pasta again and it feels like coming home.  Her mother then says it’s a homecoming and Zooey snaps at her mother.  So far this is the most interesting acting work I’ve ever seen her do.

We move on to Rick’s corn tamales with braised beans and greens.  And finally, Art’s rice ice cream (rice cream?) with a champagne soup and almond brittle.  Zooey’s mother is reminded of Zooey’s birthday because Zooey likes strawberries.  Huh?  So they all don’t like the ice cream and Zooey thought he should have used coconut milk.  So this will come down to Art or Anita.

Critics’ Table.  Art and Michael get called out for using store-bought ingredients as the bases of their meals.  Of note, Art strongly defends his choices, and Gael pronounces “vegan” as “vigan” and she makes several cracks about vegan dietary habits.  In the end, Michael and his store-bought pasta win.  Art loses by half a star to Anita and he’s going home.

Next week: Losers from past Top Chef contestants come back and Dale (not the gay one) is a jackass to Michael.  It should be nice.

For another opinion on this episode, check out Crazy Vegans! by Jaimie Campos.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 8: Dietary Restrictions (originally aired August 5, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

Julie & Julia: There’s a Reason People Don’t Make Movies About Blogs

I’m sure it’s possible to make a bad movie starring Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. But it wouldn’t be easy. You’d really have to work at it. It’s got to be tough to pull off true badness when you’ve got those two amazing women on camera the whole time.

And Julie & Julia doesn’t work at it quite hard enough. It’s not a bad movie. But it’s not a great movie, either. It’s probably as mediocre as a movie starring Meryl Streep and Amy Adams could reasonably be expected to be.

J&J is the first big-budget movie to be based on a blog.  And … as a proponent of new media, who spends her days writing blog posts and e-mails and even tweets, for heaven’s sake, and getting paid for it, it pains me to say this, but — there’s a reason no one has ever made a movie based on a blog before. And I sincerely hope that no one ever will again.

Because movies about blogs are boring. Remember how when Sex and the City was on you always used to go to get more ice cream whenever Carrie sat down at her laptop and started typing? Well, in Julie & Julia, the protagonist’s sitting down and typing, and voice-overing the typed words, comprises, like, half the movie.

J&J, in case you aren’t up on your food blog studies, tells the story of two women whose lives were changed by cooking: Julia Child, who moved to Paris in 1949 and immediately fell in love with French cuisine, prompting her to write a cookbook that changed American cooking culture forevermore, and Julie Powell, a 29-year-old resident of Queens who in 2002 started a blog chronicling her attempt to cook every recipe in Julia Child’s first cookbook.

I don’t cook at all myself, so what I know of fine cuisine comes from Top Chef.  This movie made me hungry, but it did not make me want to learn to cook. Far from it. Cooking, apparently, involves murdering lobsters and having meltdowns and getting stern talking-tos about the evils of taking personal days.

The half of the movie that’s about Julia Child is fun. Not the most exciting story ever, but charming, and brilliantly acted by Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci as Julia’s wonderful husband Paul. But the other half of the movie is best described as “a drag.” Yesterday I would’ve told you it was impossible for Amy Adams to play an unlikable character. I was so naïve.

I think part of the issue with movies based on actual blogs is that they have no choice but to be about actual, normal people’s lives, and the lives of actual, normal people are seldom interesting enough to be fodder for entertaining movies. With the whole workaday New York stress and the presence of Meryl Streep in J&J, I kept hoping to get a Devil Wears Prada esque vibe. But the reason Prada worked was that it placed a normal-enough character in an amusing situation. Whereas Julie is simply a normal character in a mildly-cute situation. People describing their day-to-day lives in witty ways can work beautifully in a blog format, but I can’t think of a single movie that has succeeded on witty descriptions of uneventful day-to-day life alone. Something needs to happen, at some point, for a movie to work.

J&J treats Julia Child with a reverence usually reserved for the likes of, say, Gandhi, or Martin Luther King. I have no doubt that Mrs. Child was a great lady, and if Julie Powell really did consider her the ultimate role model, then, okay. But it feels more like the producers were terrified of offending Mrs. Child’s many, many worshippers, who probably make up the movie’s core audience. I prefer my characters layered, though, myself. Were Julia played by anyone but the marvelous Meryl Streep, I think she would’ve bored me just a tad.

I kept getting the sense that Julie & Julia was trying to say something profound about women’s lives and the importance of day-to-day activities like cooking and what they say about society, or something. But I could never quite figure out what that message actually was. Yes, even in 2009 it’s still nice to see a movie about ambitious women and the men who stand behind them (although, if the Julie character is unlikable, her husband, Eric, played by some guy, is downright unbearable). And both of the women triumph, in the end ? forgive me if you consider this a spoiler, but Julia Child’s cookbook gets published, and Julie Powell gets a book deal that then turns into a movie deal. And that’s nice. But those are seriously the only things that happened in the entire 123 minutes of movie.

I wouldn’t say I regret watching Julie & Julia. It had its strong points. But since I’m a girl on a budget, I do kind of wish I’d saved my $9.50 August filmgoing budget and seen District 9 instead.

Free Pop Culture Merchandise

Free Pop Culture Merchandise
Studios are always giving us free stuff to share our readers and podcast audience.  Check back to this page often.

Here is what we have:

TOMY’s Naruto Giveaway

The J Factor Episode 13 (Harry Potter)

Episode 13 – August 9, 2009 – Half Blood Prince critique.  Listen to J.B. & Jaimie breakdown the man, the myth, the legend . . . Harry Potter.  Hear the best podcast analysis on this new volume of the boy wizard by two of Poptimal.com experts.

Subscribe to Itunes Podcast

(If the show does not play using the link at the bottom of the page, you can download it: MP3| Podcast Alley)

You can also send us an email at editor@poptimal.com

.

Burn Notice: The Sons of the Lucky Charms Revolution Are Getting Ready For Battle

The summer season finale of Burn Notice is excellent from start to finish. From the moment it starts until the moment it ends, it delivers the goods, explores new avenues, and hits the bull’s-eye big time. It’s the best episode of the season hands down, and quite possibly the best episode of the series. The action is first-rate, blockbuster movie quality, and even more impressive, the emotional stakes are raised higher than they have ever been. The creative team makes the whole show seem endlessly cool and completely effortless, but there’s a real level of superb craftsmanship at work that’s nothing short of laudatory. The plot, the character development, the performances, the cinematography, the music, the dialogue, the costume design, the production values…it’s all off the charts. Episodes like these should go a long way to remind us that we’re in a golden age of television right now.

The episode begins with Michael looking at a series of old photographs from his Ireland days with Fiona. He tells us via voiceover that when you work as a covert operative, the line between who you are and what you do is nebulous at best. You are what you do and you do what you are. We’ve never seen Michael looking at an artifact from the past before. It’s extremely telling that he even has these photographs, and that he’s looking at them now as Fiona prepares to leave Miami. That’s great writing. Instead of having Michael lament about his feelings explicitly in a dialogue scene with Sam, we get all the information we need in a much more subtle, artful way, intimately watching Michael in a moment of quiet reflection.

Fiona walks in, announcing that she sold her car and that she’s moving back to Ireland. “We have one fight and you’re going home?” Michael asks. “If you didn’t see this coming then you weren’t paying attention,” Fiona replies. This isn’t about one fight; it has been building for a good while.

With no choice but to keep living his life, Michael goes to meet with his contact Diego, who got a call from the Deputy Director or some such factotum telling him that various “regional experts” will be reviewing Michael’s file and work history, against his objections. Diego tells Michael that he’ll be calling to set up the first meetings and warns him to stay out of trouble.

Michael goes to Fiona’s place to talk to her when she greets him at the door, gun drawn. Jeeze, was she really mad enough at Michael to kill him? Thankfully, no. It turns out that she’s holed up there with her brother Sean, who we haven’t met before. Fiona quickly warns Michael to slip back in to the cover ID he had when they were together in Ireland, as she never told Sean that Michael was actually an American spy. As if at the flip of a switch, Michael Westen becomes Michael McBride, with Irish accent in tow.

Sean is there because someone has come to kill Fiona, a guy named Thomas O’Neill, an Irish terrorist who has been holding a long-term grudge against Fiona ever since she stopped some of his bombs from killing a bunch of innocent people at a prep school. Fiona met him when she was looking for the man who killed her only sister Claire (something else we didn’t know about Fiona…man, are we getting some major character development!). Fiona was “angry and loud” when Claire was taken, and O’Neill thought she was “as radical as he was.” But like she has recently demonstrated by taking Michael to task for working with Strickler, Fiona has morals and doesn’t kill innocent people. O’Neill does.

Before Michael can even be brought up to speed, O’Neill’s goons show up at Fiona’s place, and they have to make a mad getaway before they get mowed down by automatic weapons. At least Michael and Fiona are temporarily united by a common goal.

Michael calls in Sam and Sam arranges a base of operations for them, a foreclosed house. Michael tells Fiona and Sean to stay put while he and Sam find O’Neill. Fiona sticks her finger in Michael’s face and tells him “I am not one of your damn clients.” Then the subtitle disagrees, referring to Fiona as the client. It’s a funny moment, but it also has dramatic value.

Meanwhile, Michael goes for a little face time with Strickler. Strickler confirms with Michael that people are going to be reviewing his service record, but he tells Michael that he should lie during these interviews, that the truth isn’t the best approach. He tells Michael that he will bring over a dossier detailing what Michael should and shouldn’t say. Michael doesn’t like this at all, but he goes along with it for the time being.

Of course Fiona doesn’t listen to Michael and goes after O’Neill, but she miscalculates and is about to get wasted. How Michael rescues her is extreme, and all I’ll say is that it involves major abuse to Sam’s classic red Buick, a car that doesn’t even belong to him. He’s not exactly happy about it.

Michael’s next approach is to introduce himself to O’Neill as an American with a deal. Sean wonders whether he can pull it off or not, saying that Michael’s American “accent” is a bit dodgy. It goes alright at first, but as has often been the case, things don’t work out exactly as planned, and Michael gets his ass kicked and Fiona gets kidnapped. How will Michael get her back?

There’s also an unexpected and very intense showdown with Michael and Strickler—who shows his true colors—that plays really well. There’s also two of the best scenes Jeffrey Donovan and Gabrielle Anwar have ever had together, and they’re both at the top of their game. Plus more gunfire and explosions, a glimpse at Michael’s childhood, and a cliffhanger that points to yet another conspiracy and a chance to take the show in a compelling new direction. They don’t get much better than this, as long as you allow yourself to go with the ride and enjoy.

Season 3, Episode 9: Long Way Back (Originally aired August 6, 2009)

For more on Burn Notice, click here.

Thursdays at 10/9c on USA

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Glenn Watson

Top Chef Masters: Crazy Vegans!

All we have to do is make it through tonight, friends, because next week, things really fire up when former Top Chef contestants return, including crazy Dale, who ends up working with ego-tastic Michael Chiarello (according to the previews) and sparks fly! I can’t wait.

But first! Let’s get through this week.

Quickfire. Create a gourmet burger and side dish, to be judged by former contestant and burger joint owner Spike Mendelsohn (I’ve eaten there, and it’s delicious. Go!); Morgan Spurlock; and Sang Yoon.

Rick claims to be a poor hamburger-maker, while Hubert has created a $5,000 burger. That’s disgusting. Anita won the last challenge but slept poorly – from celebrating all night or pressure and nerves, we’ll never know. Chiarello dogs Hubert for being French and awesome, and claims that he needs to take him out. He spends much of the episode talking about how he has to beat Hubert, and I wonder if Hubert even knows how envious Chiarello really is. Hubert, meanwhile, remains adorable.

Rick makes a queso fundido burger with three different flavors of guacamole – the diners love the burgers, but call the three guacs overkill; Rick is disgusted that they can’t appreciate the differences in the guacamoles. Art’s hoecake burger with tomatillos and coleslaw pleases all of the diners, especially Spike. Michael serves “hamburgese enorme” with truffle manchego potato chips. Just the fact that Michael had to make up a name like that irritates me. However, the guys love his burger. Anita’s cheddar soup with grilled burger has the opposite effect. They wanted a real burger, not something so abstract and creative. Hubert produces a beef and roquefort cheese burger, with onions and rustic potatoes. The guys love the presentation, but they think the cheese is overpowering and Spike thinks it lacks punch. He has forever made enemies of Rick Bayless and Hubert Keller. Though admittedly, Hubert at least laughed about it.

Anita earns 1 ½ stars; Hubert earns 3 stars; Art 3 ½ stars; Michael and Rick 4 stars. I worry for Anita, because usually the lowest scorer in the Quickfire goes home. And I like her so much more than Art and Chiarello.

Elimination Challenge. Cook lunch with vegan and gluten-free restrictions for Zooey Deschanel and her friends. Art looks ready to cry, because all he knows how to do is cook deep-fried meat. Because he’s southern, and he cooks with love! I tell you this, because he repeats this several times. Therefore, Art offers to do dessert.

All the chefs complain to varying degrees about the restrictions, with Chiarello and Art being the most vocal, and Rick being the most calm. Art buys store-made organic rice ice cream because he doesn’t know how to make it from scratch. Michael also uses store bought quinoa pastas instead of cooking pasta by hand. Anita can’t find the lentils she’d prefer.

Rick helps out Chiarello at Whole Foods, and Chiarello in turn, helps Hubert during the cooking portion. Which means I have to be a little nicer to Chiarello. I guess.

Rick is the most comfortable with the challenge, as his daughter was gluten-intolerant for a while, and Mexican food provides plenty of opportunity to use vegetables and spices. Anita makes a vegetarian version of a dish she serves at her restaurant, but her lack of sleep is definitely affecting her energy level.

Service. Critics: Oseland, Gael, Rayner. Zooey says she is a faithful Top Chef viewer, and isn’t she just the sweetest thing in the world? She always seems to be enjoying herself, onscreen or off. She’s so opposite from Hollywood that I can’t help but like her.

Anyway. Hubert survives a few server malfunctions to deliver his white gazpacho with grapes and vanilla oil, and timbale of avocado and asparagus, and roast beef salad. Zooey calls his gazpacho heaven, and loves the beets, though some diners thought the avocado tasted like dip. They found Anita’s grilled eggplant oily and too spicy, and the lentil salad was too “sturdy.”Everyone at the table loves Michael’s quinoa pasta with salsa verde (and since I’m being nice to him, I won’t make any disparaging comments about his growing need to break into different languages), calling it “perfect” with its complementary flavors. Rick serves corn tamales with chili-braised beans, braised greens and glazed mushrooms. Zooey claims he’s cooked the best tamales she’s ever had. The diners enjoy the balance of flavors. Though Zooey loves ice cream and strawberries, she is disappointed with Art’s dessert, as are the other diners. Art serves a strawberry champagne soup, which just sounds … not right… as well as strawberry rice ice cream and almond brittle. Zooey says it’s okay, but that the dish could have been a lot better. Oseland loved it, but the vegan diners are definitely disappointed.

Critics Table. The judges refreshingly come down on Anita and Art for their mistakes; the critics remain polite, but they definitely call them both out for the parts of their dishes that failed. Anita, especially, doesn’t seem to do well under the critics’ comments, but that may be both because she was tired and the editing. At least, I hope so, because the critics really hated it. I’m not sure how the critics made a difference between Michael’s store-bought pasta and Art’s store-bought ice cream, but they definitely hold it against Art more. Possibly because his dish failed and Michael’s succeeded.

Not that it matters, because though I worried for Anita (it definitely looked like she was going home), Art scores the lowest with only 12 ½ stars (woo hoo!); Anita comes in with 13; Hubert and Rick both score 19, while Chiarello wins the night with 22 stars. Oh brother. I can’t wait to hear the gloating next week.

I was going to say this was a good episode because of the suspense and my fear about Anita’s elimination, and the fact that Art finally says goodbye, but then I saw the previews. And so…

Next week: Dale versus Chiarello and the battle of the egos! Watch what happens!

For another opinion on this episode, check out The Vegan Zone by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 1, Episode 8: Dietary Restrictions (originally aired August 5, 2009)

For more on Top Chef Masters, click here.

Wednesdays at 10/9c on Bravo

Photographs courtesy of NBC Universal and Kelsey McNeal

So You Think You Can Dance: And… it’s… Jeanine. Oh.

It’s finale week! We all know what that means. There are ups, and there are downs.

On the down side, I have to watch four hours of SYTYCD this week. On the up side, I only have to watch four more hours of SYTYCD, ever, for the rest of my life.

And then, because the good people at Fox decided to label this dramatic season-finale episode a “repeat,” my DVR messed up and did not record the first fifteen minutes of the Wednesday performance episode. I swear I did not do this on purpose. I was actually quite put out, because I missed the debut of Cat’s outfit, and the intro dance / gender-segregated-gangster-stomp, and the big reveal of this week’s guest judge. Instead I went straight in to rehearsal footage of Evan and Jeanine, hanging out with Sonya talking about who could beat up whom and throwing chairs at each other. I am so not in the right headspace for this. I need the thump-thump of the theme song. I need to giggle about Nigel’s hair. I can’t just go right in to Evan and Jeanine and Sonya and be expected to cope.

But, I’m a professional, or so Poptimal.com tells me. So, let’s get on with it.

The dance begins, and being that it’s Sonya, I assume it’s contemporary. It starts with Evan picking up a bikini-clad Jeanine in a more unfriendly way than usual. He looks hilarious. Someone attempted to spike his hair and then pretended to rip up his shirt. I’m so distracted by this and by the way they keep throwing each other around that I forget to care about the dancing. They’re both good, though. I mean, they’re in the finals. They’re the also-rans, probably, but they’re here, and they’re good, and the song is good even if the choreography is weird, and Evan is still trying to act, which is cute, and Jeanine is still trying to look sultry, which is comforting in its familiarity.

Oh, here’s Cat. Okay, good, I feel better. She’s wearing… a sparkly gold bathrobe. Hmm.

The guest judge is Adam Shankman!!!! Yay!!!!!!

The judges are sitting in a different place now, American Idol-style, which is also unsettling. I’m not prepared for any of this. I had assumed they were always sitting on the stage because it gave them a better view of the dancing, but I guess that’s no longer relevant since their opinions are already formed and no one cares about them anyway?

Adam says he didn’t think either Evan or Jeanine would ever make it this far. Then he says Evan is “like the molehill that became the mountain on this show.” He liked the dance. Mary says Jeanine stood out more than Evan did for her, but that she thought they were both good. Nigel is wearing a ton of makeup, or maybe the new judges’ desk location is simply unflattering. He tells Evan to be responsible for his own destiny, and says something about Jeanine being a tomboy. Is that what Nigel thinks tomboys look like? Or dress like?

Who is dancing with whom? Is everyone partnering with everyone? Did I miss a pair’s performance? Ack this not knowing is awful.

Oh, okay, they’re at the Kodak Theater now, Cat tells us. So they didn’t have that platform for the judges to sit at. And that probably also explains the lighting effect that isn’t working for Nigel.

Then Brandon solos. I really hope they’re allowed to do more than 30 seconds this time. Brandon’s solo is very, very cool, with the usual jumping and everything, although his giant striped shorts are off-putting. He ends in a fabulous full split, then magically slides right back up when the music ends. That was indeed only 30 seconds. Oh well, that’s the least of my problems with this show.

In another new move, the judges are talking about the solos. Adam liked the performance and calls Brandon “an extreme dancer, like a super-athlete” and mocks the shorts, kindly. Mary says Brandon gave her goose bumps and defied gravity and was born to dance. She pretends to want to cry. Nigel references Mia, because Nigel is here to remind us that the show has storylines, and says Brandon “just wiped out the competition.” Well, that’s stating a preference if I ever heard one. I mean, I agree, but I’m not listed as a producer of this show.

Next up, Kayla and Brandon do Broadway, choreographed by Tyce. It’s a song from All That Jazz, and it includes a lot of personality. Let’s all have a moment of silence for how much personality Janette would’ve brought to it.

The dance involves some dominatrix and Matrix gear, dramatic lighting, and hair extensions. It’s amazing. No idea what the story’s supposed to be, but I could watch Brandon and Kayla for hours (I mean, I could if Poptimal.com made me). It’s as athletic as you’d expect for a finale performance but also very, very pretty, in an extremely dramatic and shiny way. Brandon owes Janette a lot for helping him develop his personality in these dances.

Adam beams and does some fist-pumping and proclaims “I am so stoked for you guys!” He says he always thought the two of them would be in the finals, and that seeing them dance together is heavenly. He looks like he means every word. I adore Adam Shankman. He is slightly more subtle than Nigel about saying that they should win. Mary says they were terrific and rock stars and have always been front-runners. Nigel says they were superb and danced really well together. Then he makes fun of Tyce’s name (apparently there is a cookie named Tyce? Maybe in England.) Then he talks about having had a heart attack and how he wishes Kayla had been there to have sex with him at the time. Kayla is a good sport, as all the women on this show always are about that sort of thing, because Fox has beaten them down, down, down.

Then Jeanine solos, to tango music, with a rose between her teeth. Interesting choice? She’s in ballet shoes, I guess in memory of Melissa. Otherwise, the dance itself makes no impression on me. Nevertheless, she gets a standing ovation.

Adam adored her solo, noting that it was risky and she did some very impressive pirouetting. I’m glad he pointed that out because I would’ve had no idea. Adam mocks her tooth flower and says she “just fought Brandon back.” Not sure I follow what he means there. Mary says she saw Jeanine coming, referencing that moment earlier when Adam said he didn’t. I like how Mary is always a half-hour or so behind everyone else. She says Jeanine’s solo was the best thing she’s ever done on the show. Seriously, I did not see that. But then I didn’t realize the pirouetting was such an accomplishment. Nigel says it was a very brave solo and that he thinks she’s in the final two “as an equal” (with Brandon, presumably, although he doesn’t specify).

Wow, really not liking Cat’s bathrobe.

Adam has Jeanine’s plastic rose in his teeth. Hee.

Next, Evan and Brandon are doing a pop jazz routine choreographed by Laurieann Gibson. She wants to push them to the point of no return. The story is that Evan and Brandon are fighting to win the show. There is pretend punching involved. Uh. I can’t say I would be scared to encounter either Evan or Brandon in a dark alley. There is a bit in rehearsals in which they pretend to sass each other, which I loved and rewound and watched about three times. The look on Evan’s face at the end is what really does it.

Then the dance begins, and oh my lord, it’s to Janet Jackson’s “Nasty.” Okay, I might be willing to forgive the preposterous concept of the dance if they’re going to have this good a sense of humor about it. The costumes are also fantastic, straight out of the “Bad” video (although Evan is in a white wife beater and Brandon is in a black one, which the costume designer is probably regretting right… about… now).

Okay, this is probably the best dance all season. Why why why does the show insist on pairing everyone with opposite-gender partners? Because this is awesome! It’s hilarious, but it’s also genuinely cool. There is much stomping around and pretending to glare at each other and then doing amazing spins and jumps and such. The parts where they pretend to mock each other aren’t as funny as they were in the rehearsal, but they’ve both got the acting chops to make it work. At one point they even do the “Stop in the Name of Love” pose. I think my favorite thing about the performance is that Laurieann was probably trying to be very sincere in her fight choreography, but Evan and Brandon couldn’t help adding the comedy. So, good going, guys. Now I want them both to win. Although I’m guessing Laurieann picked the song, which is responsible for at least half the humor, so… well, who knows.

Hang on, rewinding to watch that again.

Judges. Adam was not so into the dance. He says Evan “got a little Dustin,” which is not a reference I get, but the audience boos so I guess it’s bad. He says Evan is too sweet for this number. But Brandon “got nasty and dirty.” Uh… okay, so I had a very different interpretation of the performance than everyone else did, I guess. Mary asks Evan what the nastiest thing he’s ever done is. Cat makes Evan’s grandparents cover their ears. Evan replies, “That’s a toughie. The list is so long.” Literally, that’s what he says. He used the word “toughie.” I love Evan. Mary then says that Brandon was better than Evan. Well, yes, but that’s not the point. Nigel says Evan has a great work ethic but has a “chutchy face” and so isn’t nasty. He says Brandon also outdanced him. It’s interesting to me that the judges are this invested in Evan not winning. Or, perhaps, they know that Evan has an amazingly strong fan base and are trying to give Brandon enough of a boost to overcome it.

Kayla and Jeanine are doing a contemporary routine choreographed by Mia. Why did Mia work with the women? Mia hates female dancers. The dance is about a journey. I am distracted by Kayla’s boxer shorts in the rehearsal footage. Jeanine is wearing I think the same outfit she wore during the rehearsal footage from her dance with Evan; wow, did they really have to do two in one day? These people are amazing.

The dance is to a classical song and has them both dressed in layered tutus, which they peel off, piece by piece. It’s… not my style, but they’re really good. I get the metaphor without having to try, though – it’s simple enough even for a non-interpreter like me: They’re making their way across the stage, sometimes moving forward, sometimes back; sometimes one is ahead of the other, and along the way, they’re shedding unnecessary exterior layers. Nowhere near as fun to watch as Evan and Brandon’s dance.

Adam says, “That was like watching the world’s longest wardrobe malfunction.” He says he loves them both and wishes them good luck. Mary praises the choreography and tries to sound smart. She says they’re the strongest two women they’ve ever had in the finale. Why does no one want to choose between them? Do they just not care who wins as long as it’s not Evan? Then Nigel expresses a desire to see Jeanine and Kayla naked.

Evan solos. He leads off with some strong tumbling, then does his usual thing. I mean, by now, what’s the point? You’re either going to vote for Evan or you aren’t. He does a silly thing at the end involving his hat.

Adam calls the solo a calculated risk because it’s not exactly something we haven’t seen before from Evan. Mary calls Evan unique and points out, as Evan did moments before in his Cat interview, that Evan is the first Broadway dancer to make it on the show. Nigel says Evan has something special, which he calls “the Ahh factor,” because people think Evan is cute. Then he says Evan hasn’t grown as much as he should have, and that his solo wasn’t as good as the other solos so far. Ryan is in the audience, in a tux, looking depressed. Aww, now Evan looks really sad. I guess he can only act when he’s dancing. Or goofing around with Brandon.

Next, poor Evan has to dance again, with Kayla. They’re doing a jive choreographed by Tony and Melanie. Yep, Kayla is in those same boxers again. This is the same day the women learned their routine.

They dance to a country song, with Kayla in cowboy boots. Evan is also in heels (remember, Kayla is tall). Kayla does like three lift-flips in a row at one point. I bet those boots are hard to dance in. The dance is cool, and fun to watch, but – well, maybe I’m just projecting this, but I get the sense that Evan has given up. Not that I would blame him.

Adam doesn’t think it was a finale-level routine. Tony and Melanie look really, really pissed. Mary decides this means Adam doesn’t like country music, despite Adam’s convincing protestations. He compliments Evan for the lift-flips but says the routine wasn’t quite enough. Mary thought the choreography was phenomenal, but says Evan wasn’t strong enough. Evan swallows and is clearly hanging on by a thread here. Hmm, perhaps the judges are going too far and will be inspiring backlash voters for Evan. Mary says Kayla stole the show and is breathtaking. Nigel says Evan brought personality and it was a great routine. The auditorium starts chanting “Evan, Evan, Evan,” and now Evan is noticeably crying. Crap, now I want to vote for him. Nigel talks about how great they both were and says he wishes he’d seen more of Kayla’s personality before now, and that he liked it in this routine.

And now I am torn. Because after that, I kind of want Evan to win. That was really moving, that judging sequence.

But I want Brandon to win. Brandon is a better dancer than Evan! That should matter more than crying and chanting! Stupid reality shows manipulating everyone’s emotions. Including mine. Grumble grumble grumble.

Kayla solos. To “Sweet Dreams,” good choice. It’s jerky, but in a good way. She sticks her arms and legs out like she always does, she jumps, she shows off her flexibility. I never know what to say about Kayla’s solos.

Adam says the solo was fine but not a good representation of what Kayla did previously over the season. He notes that some of the best dancers he’s ever seen in his life have been on the show, and names some people from previous seasons, and says Kayla is in that class for him. Mary says Kayla is gifted and touched by an angel and has a spirit about her and her legs and lines and I am so glad I won’t have to listen to Mary for much longer. Nigel says Kayla was the first one they put through to the top 20, which is interesting. He points out that Kayla has been in the bottom several times despite the judges’ constant love for her, and says people should vote for her. I am not going to talk about Janette because what’s the point?

And finally, Jeanine and Brandon are doing the Paso Doble, choreographed by Louis Van Amstel. They look awesome in rehearsal. I really covet Jeanine’s hair. Dude, she is in the same outfit she was wearing in the rehearsals for her other two routines. Did they learn all three on the same day? That’s incredible.

The dance is gorgeous. I think the lighting is doing a lot by itself to make everything look cool. They’re both as fantastic as you would expect. Although Brandon is better. His acting has really come a long way over the course of the season. At the end, Jeanine collapses (in character I mean), and Brandon stands over her all triumphant. It’s cool.

The judges give it a standing ovation (as does the crowd). Adam compliments their transitions and intensity throughout the performance, and calls out one move in particular that I didn’t understand when they were doing it, but it was an assisted jete into a slide, apparently. Mary screams, which isn’t quite as awful as usual, I guess because the sound techs are less cruel at the Kodak. She says the dance had the correct amount of intensity. She screams again, pumps her fist, and stands up. Then Nigel screams back at her. He says it was a great performance, and compares Brandon to a racehorse and expresses a desire to have sex with Jeanine. I think he thinks it’s okay because at least he wants to sleep with both the female contestants. It’s not like he’s preferring one over the other. He’s a gentleman, you know.

Cat asks the judges who they think will win. Adam has no idea. Mary defers. Nigel calls Evan “a lovely, lovely lad” and reminds us all that we’ll have a chance to vote for an Evan equivalent next season too, so there’s no point in voting for Evan tonight. Then he says he thinks either Brandon or Jeanine will win.

Okay, that’s it. I predict the likelihood of victory is:

1. Brandon
2. Evan
3. Jeanine
4. Kayla

And then, I have to DVR the results show and watch it a day after it aired. I managed, miraculously, to remain unspoiled in the interim, mainly by avoiding Facebook except for day-job-related necessities. (I have one of those jobs that involves being on Facebook throughout the day. I know, my life is hard).

As I’m gearing up to watch the recording, though, I’m actually excited to see who wins. I know, I’m fickle, and also kind of dorky. But assuming the winner is either Brandon or Evan, that’s cool. They’re good guys and I want them both to win. And Jeanine and Kayla are cool, too, so it would be fine if either of them won. I don’t know, I’m feeling the love tonight. I’m sure Nigel and/or Mia will soon say something to nip that in the bud, though. And even if they don’t, two hours from now I’ll probably be ready to drop dead in any case.

Cat is wearing a gorgeous white toga. Interesting finale choice.

I was thinking that we’d see a new group dance, but no, they’re doing that same dance to the song from The Wiz that Kayla was naked for. It looks like the entire top 20 is up there this time though. Janette is there! Oh, I am so happy about that. Melissa! I missed her! I know it’s only been like a week, but still! And Phillip! Asuka! Wow I had forgotten I liked so many of these people. Okay, this dance is cooler than it was the first time. But then I see that Kayla is once again naked, and am less thrilled. And poor Evan looks ridiculous in his outfit. The performance ends with the four finalists standing inside the frame and everyone else outside it, which seems unnecessarily classist.

Sitting at the judges’ desk are Lil’ C, Mia, Tyce, Debbie with some gorgeous hair, and Adam, plus Mary and Nigel. The rest of the show’s choreographers are relegated to the nosebleed seats. That makes me giggle. I have no idea why Lil’ C is considered more worthy of prominence than, say, Sonya, though.

They show us some of the old audition footage, which is painful for me, especially because they show the same-sex ballroom dancers, which I’d think we’d all rather pretend never happened. We also have to watch yet again the arguments over whether Brandon was any good, which we should also have put to rest a long time ago.

Wow, I forgot all about Vitolio. And Jonathan. And a bunch of these people. I remember Kupono, though, aw.

Cat tells us we’ll be seeing the judges’ favorite routines from the season. So, addiction and breast cancer, definitely. And maybe Phillip and Jeanine’s dance from the first week, and Caitlin and Jason’s Bollywood. And I bet the Evan/Randi butt dance. I hope we get to see Kayla and Brandon’s mistress dance, that was awesome. And Brandon and Janette’s Wade Robson dance where they were thieves with wigs.

Then they show us a really long clip show from the performance night, so I spend the time wondering whether the judges would’ve gotten rid of Evan if they’d ever had the chance. He was never voted into the bottom back when the judges were doing the eliminations, remember. But they were saying lots of bad things about him back then, especially as it got closer to the top 10. Hmm. So then who would’ve made it to the finals if they’d had their way? Ade? Surely not Jason…

Adam’s favorite routine was indeed the Phillip/Jeanine hip-hop routine from the first week. So, we get to see that again. I fondly recall that Jeanine was wearing jeans for that routine, and am delighted to see her in them again. Seriously, she looks so good in clothes.

The dance is cool. I understand it better now that I’m familiar with the show and how it works. But I think the choreography is kind of boring. It’s just that Phillip and Jeanine are really good, and they both have great stage presence. Phillip especially looks effortless in everything he does. I’ve missed Phillip.

Nigel’s favorite routine was Brandon and Janette’s Argentine tango. Woo-hoo! This is a great idea, a whole night of only good routines. They should do this every week.

I loved this dance the first time, and I love it now. Not sure what else to say except that Janette is amazing and I wish she were the one coordinating my home loan. Except that I know she’s way happier doing this.

Debbie’s favorite routine was Asuka and Vitolio’s waltz, which I only vaguely remember. Oh, right, this is the one where she wore the weird dress with the turtleneck. Poor Asuka, I don’t feel like she was around long enough for us to really see how good she was. They do the dance, and it’s pretty. Not too exciting, though.

Are we only getting to see each of the contestants once? If so, I’m sad. There are about four more Brandon routines I want to see.

Mary’s favorite routine was Jeanine and Jason’s dance with the kiss at the end. I’d forgotten this one, but it was cool. This was right when it started becoming clear that Jason was actually really good. And then he got eliminated, like, the next night, right?

And then they do the kiss at the end, and, uh, whoa. That did not look like a stage kiss to me. Well, whatever, good for them. The kids on this show should cling to any chance at fun they can get. It must be a miserable experience.

I want to see Randi. Please let the next dance involve Randi. Preferably with Evan.

Mia’s favorite routine was Max and Kayla’s samba. Ooh! I did not expect we would be lucky enough to see Max dance! And ballroom no less! Good pick, Mia.

But the lighting is distracting and epilepsy-inducing, and I think that’s why this isn’t quite as cool as it was the first time. But nevertheless, Max is his awesome self, and Kayla is fantastic and only slightly overwhelmed by her fringey costume. Very fun.

Then we get a video package of the finalists going for “a night out on the town.” Evan wears awesome glasses. Jeanine wears an unfortunate dress. They get to hang out with a season 4 contestant and go to a screening of the Fame remake, which this season 4 contestant whose name I didn’t catch was in. So then we get to watch a trailer for it while the finalists plug it in various interviews. Stuff like this is why I always feel bad for the contestants on these shows, even though they obviously signed up for it. How sad that in the most exhausting, stressful week of your life you have to do product promo for some movie you had nothing to do with?

Debbie’s other favorite routine is the group number where the contestants were all pimps and whores. I’m sorry but I can’t evaluate this as a dance. I’m tempted to fast-forward, but I guess I should watch in case someone, like, falls or something. No one does, but I do perceive that the lighting and camera angles are way more advanced than they were the first time around. Also it seems to go on way longer this time, just to aggravate me, probably.

Then we see the winner of the Australian SYTYCD, a ballerina, Talia Fowler. She doesn’t do ballet, though; she does a contemporary solo. I don’t generally enjoy contemporary solos, so I don’t much enjoy this, although I’m sure she’s a very good dancer and I would love to see her and Melissa do some ballet stuff together.

Lil’ C’s favorite routine is “Jai Ho,” Caitlin and Jason’s Bollywood number. Yay! And good for Jason, getting two routines in the finale. I will admit to watching this entire routine with a big dumb smile on my face. Yes, it’s definitely the choreography and the costumes more than the dancers, but nevertheless Caitlin and Jason are both awesome, and stuff like this makes it easier to forget the alien impregnation dance.

The finalists come out then, and … okay, was there a contest for them all to wear the worst possible outfit they could think of? Evan won, if so, but Kayla is a close second, and Jeanine’s not too far after that. Brandon looks relatively normal, except that he has pulled a hat down over his eyes, which is funny. I’m surprised the producers allowed that.

Then Cat announces that Kayla came in fourth. Ohh, that’s so sad. I mean, I know someone had to be fourth, but the judges all seemed to think Kayla was the best. And despite all the mean things I said about her, she seems really sweet and is so fun to watch when she dances (provided she isn’t soloing).

I do like that they’re telling us the order of the voting, though. I wasn’t expecting that.

Adam’s other favorite routine was the butt dance. Thank the lord Evan wasn’t just voted off, because how awful would that have been? It explains his awful outfit, though.

So we get to see the butt dance again. I’m just happy to see Randi. I really missed her. I hope she’s come to embrace this dance in her heart, because it’s what she’ll always be known for, despite all the other awesome stuff she did on the show. And even though I dislike the concept of this dance, I am able to appreciate that it’s well danced, and the music is very cool. I’m also glad that Adam chose it rather than Nigel or one of the other straight male judges.

Mary’s other favorite routine was last night’s Paso Doble with Jeanine and Brandon. Uh, I liked this too, but would it’ve been that hard to reach back a little farther, Mary? I am not going to review the dance again; if you want to know what I think, scroll up a few thousand words.

Then Cat brings Evan back out, still in that awful outfit, for another elimination. Oh no. Don’t do it! The third place finisher is … Evan. I’m afraid I might cry. Evan already is crying. During his farewell package I wonder if there’s already a conspiracy theory message board set up to delve into the closely guarded voting results and see whether this result was real or was manufactured by the producers as part of their secret anti-Broadway agenda. I love Evan so much. I have trouble believing that more people voted for Jeanine than voted for Evan, but I don’t think Fox would lie. I mean, not about this. We all know they lie about plenty of other things.

But this elimination actually makes it simpler for me now, because I only have one person to root for. So, chin up, young person.

Nigel and Mary trade some weak barbs written for them by mediocre comedy writers, and then Nigel announces that his other favorite routine was the addiction one. Yay, we get to see Kupono again! And this routine, which I only watched once and then regretted it, so here we go.

Okay, this time I watched it purely as a metaphor, and man, it is awesome. Probably the best routine of the season, although I need to see the breast cancer dance again to know for sure. I feel awful for Kayla having to perform it knowing she’s off the show, but she’s wonderful, as is the non-metaphorical Kupono, starts grinning once it’s over. The pressure’s been off him for way longer than for Kayla, of course.

Then the Rage Boyz Crew performs again. Oh, right, this is the one with the little kids getting thrown around. It’s cool but the lights are seriously seizure-inducing. I wonder if this is as bad in the theater as it is on TV. I can barely watch the kids when I’m this immersed in my headache. They’re cool, though. The same as the first time.

Cat talks to the main little kid, who is 7 years old. He just lost a tooth from doing a back handspring off his couch. That’s adorable. I think Cat has a crush.

Tyce’s favorite routine was Brandon and Janette’s disco. Okay, two Brandon/Janette numbers in one night. I think this show is trying its hardest to keep me on its train. It’s not going to work, but man am I glad to see this routine again. It’s as amazing as it was the first time, and I had forgotten how cute their outfits were too. How many times has Brandon danced tonight? I mean, not complaining, but the poor guy has got to be tired.

Mia’s other favorite routine, and the last one of the night, is the breast cancer dance. This is the only time we’ll be seeing Melissa or Ade all night, which is unfortunate, but then, I always did get the sense that the judges weren’t really that into either of them. Then Tyce announces that the friend he choreographed the routine for just learned that day that she was cancer-free. That’s fantastic.

Then they do the dance, and again, I’m going to try to watch it purely as a dramatic piece. And… I didn’t completely follow it all the way through. There were definitely moments that had me getting really emotional, but there were also parts of it that I just didn’t get this time around. I don’t think I got them the first time around, either, but then I was overwhelmed with the emotion of the stuff I did get, and I didn’t really notice. Still an awesome performance nevertheless, I mean. But not as good as the addiction dance.

Then they do that group dance to the song from A Chorus Line again, and you know all along that the judges are going to come out as part of it because they aren’t in their seats and Cat promises us “special guest dancers.” But let’s pretend to be surprised anyway. This was like the only group routine I liked, so I’m willing to go with it. The kids do their thing, and then the judges do come out, and they only dance for like three seconds, and … you know, they’re a lot better than the kids. I wish they’d danced longer so we could really get a sense of it. Mia is totally not even bothering to be in character though, and neither is Adam, really. They’re all beaming at the end, like those three seconds of dancing were the most fun they’d all had in a long time. Tyce is the only one who isn’t grinning like a lunatic; I bet he’s the only one of them who still dances in his own right.

And now it’s time. Brandon and Jeanine are on stage. Now that Evan’s out of the running I don’t really care that much, because I’m so positive Brandon is going to win. Jeanine, by the way, is wearing a normal dress and looks beautiful. We have to watch a clips package of both of them, and then Nigel pats himself on the back for correctly predicting the top two, and then it’s time for real.

And… it’s… Jeanine. Oh.

She cries, and has absolutely no composure, and it’s adorable. And I kind of love her, even though I’m mad at America for choosing her over Brandon and Evan. She thanks the Academy, which is cute. She also thanks her mom for pushing her to dance when she didn’t want to, and I fear that parents across the world will take this show as an excuse to force their kids to do things they don’t want to do.

Well this is sort of Kris Allen esque, isn’t it? Jeanine was never featured during the auditions, especially when you compare her to the over-featured Brandon, Evan and Kayla.

The rest of the kids run out onstage and hoist Jeanine up on their shoulders. The judges come out onstage, and actually, everyone looks pretty sedate. The interns are filming lots of shots of confetti. Tyce and Kayla are making out or something. Wow, this ending is going on a really long time. Poor Max doesn’t have anyone to hug. Mia looks lonely too. They could hug each other.

And then it’s finally over. For all of us.

This has been a fun exercise, experiencing a show for the first time and forming opinions about it over the course of an entire season whilst typing out every thought I had along the way, and then sharing those thoughts with you fine people. Here is what I have learned:

1. It’s best to start watching a reality show in its first season. That way you can form your opinions on the merits rather than on having everyone tell you that all the other seasons were better than the one you’re watching.

2. The vast majority of Americans don’t have a problem watching shows steeped in gendered BS and featuring judges who openly express their desires to molest the contestants.

3. Similarly, the vast majority of Americans are charmed by having their eardrums split by a woman who was long ago rendered unrecognizable under makeup and Botox but who seems to have a vast reservoir of technical dance terminology stored in her head despite a terrible grasp of English grammar and an inability to muster any genuine feeling about anything anymore.

4. Saying unforgivably rude things to contestants and occasionally choreographing a mind-blowing dance routine will earn you Emmys and massive cult followings.

5. Everyone in the world has really fond memories of that drama guy they had a crush on in high school but who turned out to be gay, and when presented with a reincarnation of that guy in the form of a reality show contestant, they will go to amazing lengths to ensure that he succeeds.

6. Cat Deeley is the most likeable Brit since those two geese in The Aristocats.

7. Twenty-nine is really, really old.

Thanks for enduring my absurdly long ramblings this summer. Next up, I’m reviewing Mad Men, aka the best show on TV. So that should be a pretty different experience. Have a good time with season 6 of SYTYCD. I don’t judge; I understand why people like this show, even if I don’t. And someone shoot me an e-mail and tell me how far Ryan gets, okay?

Ciao!

For another take on this episode, check out Inisia Lewis’ review here.

Season 5, Episodes 22&23: Finale (originally aired August 5&6, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8/7c on Fox

Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

So You Think You Can Dance: Finale

Did you know that So You Think You Can Dance is coming back in September? Yes, we only have to wait a mere month before we get to fall in love with another wonderful Top 20. Okay, so I didn’t fall in love with everyone, clearly, but at least I can appreciate the talent of this Top Four. Am I as over the “top” crazy over these finalists as I was last season when it was Katee, Joshua, Twitch and Chelsie? Sadly, no, and seeing them last week really reminded me of how much I adored watching them every week, and how hard it was for me to choose a favorite. I can say that I’ve fallen in love with Kayla and Brandon’s amazing technical skills and Evan and Jeanine’s charismatic personalities, though I know who I WANT to win in the end.

Tonight, Cat looks amazing! Of course! They’re on the huge stage at the Kodak Theatre. And Adam Shankman is back from his dance movies galore, and he’s a great entertaining, yet critical judge so I appreciate seeing him again. All the finalists get the chance to dance with each other, and I’m not just talking group dances. (How else do you think they’d manage to fill two hours with four dancers, anyway?!)

To start off the night, Wade and his wife Amanda choreograph a routine about hot and sassy cheerleaders who take on some jocks who think they’re hot. It’s really a dance about the girls, and I couldn’t really tell you, besides a flip at the end, that the boys were even in the routine. The girls really stole the show.

PAIR ONE
Jeanine and Evan are up first. Sonya choreographs a boyfriend beater routine. I’m impressed by how strong Evan is, since I’m one of the first to say that he shouldn’t be in the top four, but he’s really showing that he has something to prove. Jeanine is strong the entire way through, but that doesn’t surprise me anymore.

Adam says they were both a surprise. To Jeanine he says, “I never saw you coming, and you have dominated week after week. I so underestimated you and sort of could never forgive myself. And Evan, I never saw you in the top four and now this season will never be the same without you…dude, you’re like the molehill that became a mountain.” Mary thought they would be a good partnership, but Jeanine stood out more, but Evan held his own. Nigel points out that this sort of strong, tomboyish thing that fits Jeanine and the routine proved how strong she’s become in all dance facets. He encourages Evan to not get beat up on the rest of his routines because he has a chance if he brings it.

SOLO ONE
Brandon chooses some intense music to dance to. The boy has insane ups and is incredibly strong and flexible. It’s not his best solo, but it’s still fantastic. Adam is awed by the fact that he’s such an athletic and extreme dancer. He gave Mary goose bumps and got her all choked up. And Nigel makes a little pun since Brandon is wearing board shots by saying “he just wiped out the opposition.”

PAIR TWO
Kayla and Brandon get Tyce’s last number of the season, throwing crazy theatrics at them. It’s the best I’ve ever seen Kayla look. She needs to wear dark liner and smokey eye shadow every day because her typical makeup just doesn’t do her any justice. There isn’t a story which I think makes it harder for the dancers because the pure form of dance has to entertain us. And it does. They attack it like animals.

Adam says these two were no surprise to find in the finale. Kayla can do anything, and Brandon is an animal. (Hey, he just totally stole the words out of my mouth.) Mary agrees that they were always front runners, and they never disappoint. Nigel thinks the fact that they did some difficult moves completely together proves how strong they are, and that they were a great pairing. Of course, Nigel has to make some creepy comment about how when he had a heart attack (like was simulated in the dance) that he didn’t have a hot blonde to put her leg around him, but that it would have probably given him a second heart attack. (Really Nigel, you’re an EP. Cut the creepiness.)

SOLO TWO
Oh sassyfrass! This might be Jeanine’s best looking performance and best danced performance. The girl spun like four, five, or six times. I don’t know. I lost count. It was contemporary with a Latin flare, and I wish it was a full dance because seconds just don’t do it justice!

Adam is boggled by those pirouettes too. He says she’s beautiful and warm. Mary says she always saw her coming. Her partners can always count on her, and her solo was the best thing she ever did “at the right place at the right time.” Amen, sister! Nigel felt the solo was brave, as well. “You don’t win the lottery unless you buy the ticket.” And she bought it, saying she should be in the final two after that.

PAIR THREE
It’s our first boy on boy dance! LaurieAnn Gibson is back for a jazz routine, and it’s all about battling. How appropriate?! To me, Evan looked a little out of place, while Brandon was totally in control. He did all the right steps but not with the same power, so he lost my attention.

Adam thinks like me. He says Evan got a little dusted on that performance because he couldn’t get rid of his natural sweetness. He couldn’t pull off the character. Mary gets fresh, asking Evan what’s the nastiest thing he’s ever done. It’s so cute when Cat asks his grandparents to plug their ears. She says that he’s so likeable and loveable, but Brandon was sharper and more dynamic. Nigel gives a shout out to Evan since all the choreographers would say he has the greatest work ethic. He has a choochi face, whatever that means. I guess nasty boys just don’t have them. In the end, Brandon just out danced him.

PAIR FOUR
Jeanine and Kayla get together with Mia Michaels for a dance that symbolizes all they’ve gone through this season. It looks like a physically difficult dance, but there are a few parts that look like they’re supposed to be in sync but just come out completely different. It confused me a bit. The girls both prove they have the power and stamina and strength to pull off a win, but it’s not my favorite piece.

Adam says it was like the slowest wardrobe malfunction ever (since they were stripping layers of clothes ::cough struggle:: off the entire time), and that it was a leap of faith to do such a concept piece. Mary thinks they laid their hearts and souls on the stage. So the judges really did love this more than I did. She also thought it was well matched. Nigel recalls Mia’s Danny and Neal dance “Two Princes” and says this is like that, very memorable, and it didn’t go on long enough. Which makes the judges think creepy again because you can consider it to mean he wishes they would have taken off clothes until they were naked! But this time that was all the other judges’ dirty minds and not his. He also thinks Jeanine has peaked at the right time, and I agree completely.

SOLO THREE
Evan does a piece that looks oh-so familiar. I can’t tell if it’s because I’ve actually seen it before or everything he does kind of looks the same. Look. Don’t get me wrong here. He dances it well, and it’s completely different than any style that’s been featured on SYTYCD before. That impresses me a lot, but compared to everyone else, it’s just anticlimactic. Plus I understand that the style isn’t supposed to be flamboyant all the time, but you’d think for his one last chance he could just throw in every over-the-top move he has. He spent four seconds basically shrugging his shoulders, which is ridiculous to me when the stakes are so high right now.

Adam picks up that it was a variation of his audition piece. He says it’s a risk because people could love it or think they’ve seen it before. I think I’m the latter. Mary loved it, but I think she was throwing him a bone. She says he’s excited so many people to an almost lost style that she never wants to lose so she appreciates it. Nigel thinks Evan has the “AHH” factor, but it sounds condescending when he actually makes the sound and the cheesy style. He doesn’t think he’s as strong as the competition, and I’m glad they finally got straight to it.

PAIR FIVE
Kayla and Evan sort of got the shaft. They got the jive with Tony and Melanie. It’s a demanding piece for these exhausted dancers, and it’s also one of those dances that unless it’s amazing, loses the viewer, but from the beginning I’m pleasantly surprised. There’s amazing tricks and a lot of shake, rattle, and roll, and I kind of love it. I cannot tell a lie. There’s a weak spin at the end, but if that’s the only down part, I’d still call it a success.

Adam “wasn’t sure it was a finale-level routine.” I’d kind of disagree with him there. Evan had great lift and musicality with them, but it wouldn’t get him to pick up the phone. Mary thinks the routine was phenomenal, but Tony and Melanie don’t look appeased. She digs into Evan for his technique, but she thinks Kayla stole the show. I’m a little surprised because Evan looked pretty strong to me, and Kayla looked a little more awkward. Nigel thinks that they did well, and Evan brought personality and support. He also thinks Kayla’s finally letting her personality out finally. The crowd shows their support by chanting “Evan” over Nigel’s comments. (Man, peeps love this kid no matter what!)

SOLO FOUR
It’s the golden child’s turn. To me, her solos are weaker than her actual routines. She just can’t choreograph as well as others, but her skill is so above everyone. It’s insane.

Adam agrees so he chooses to highlight how great she’s been all season, and that she’s now in a group with a select few who are the best dancers ever like Travis, Danny and Will. (She’s the only girl he could think of too.) Mary just loves her, period. And Nigel thinks that she’s proven all that she needs to prove to be the best dancer on the show, and he’s happy she’s gotten this far to give America the opportunity to pick her as their personal favorite.

PAIR SIX
Jeanine and Brandon have a Louis van Amstel paso doble. He’s happy to get such a strong pair for his final number, and so am I. They’re so intense and strong. The music had a lot to do with it, plus all of their tricks. Okay, so their turns could have been better, but overall it was killer.

It got the judges and audience to their feet. Adam thinks it was so well received because they filled out every part of the routine, even the transitions. Mary says it was so believable, and puts them on the train. They should feel lucky since they’re the only one, and it’s a big one. Nigel realizes that the music and the lights and intensity excites people, but they carried the piece with their dancing and character as well. But then he said he wanted to do it to her as well, i.e. “dance with her like that.” Right, creepy Nigel. He gives the edge to them by a little, and by them, I think he means Kayla.

IT’S FINALE TIME!
And what a beautiful night it was. It’s great to see all the Top 20 dancers back and ready to break it down. A record breaking 21.6 million votes were cast and all I wanted to do was fast forward to the end so I could sit back and relax, but out of reviewing respect, I sat on the edge of my seat the entire time. I also didn’t want to miss the judges’ picks for the favorite dance. And there were seven judges, so we were quite lucky. So you can YouTube them, if you’d like. I’ve listed them.

1. Adam Shankman picked Nappy Tab’s hip hop number “Mad” with Jeanine and Phillip.
2. Nigel picked Miriam Larici and Leonardo Barrionuevo’s Argentine Tango with Janette and Brandon.
3. Debbie Allen chose a waltz choreographed by Louis van Amstel with Asuka and Vitolio.
4. Mary chose Jeanine and Jason’s Travis Wall contemporary dance. (A personal favorite as well.)
5. Mia Michaels picked a samba with Kayla and Max and choreographed by Louis van Amstel.
6. Debbie Allen re-introduces Dmitry Chaplin and NappyTab‘s collaboration for the top 16 group dance.
7. LilC picked Jai Ho, the fabulous Jason and Caitlin dance.
8. Adam also chose Evan and Randi’s Mia Michaels “Butt Dance!”
9. Mary also picked Louis van Amstel’s paso doble with Jeanine and Brandon from last night.
10. Nigel chose Mia’s “Addiction” piece with Kayla and Kupono. (My tops!)
11. Tyce picked a Doriana Sanchez disco with Janette and Brandon.
12. And finally, Mia picked Tyce’s “Breast Cancer Dance” by Melissa and Ade.

Besides these wonderful dances (And let me tell you, each was better than the first time. I guess no pressure really makes a difference), there are a few other surprises. The final four get to be the first to see the movie musical Fame (so excited!) and Kherington is there to watch with them and show off her chops in the movie. SYTYCD Australia winner Talia Fowler does a Sonya piece. The Rage Boyz Crew did a little stomping and b-boying which was amazing and adorable. The top eight performed their Chorus Line dance by Mia Michaels again, but then the judges came out and finished out the dance which was fabulous! Well LilC didn’t, but I guess Broadway isn’t his cup of tea.

There were four. Then Kayla was out. Next, there were three. Evan. And two were left standing. In the end, it was Jeanine who took the prize. I can say that I really couldn’t predict the winner, but I was over the moon about her win. She coupled personality with technical talent, and she shined during her solos. Though she won’t get to wear the crown as long as the others have, since the new season is starting so soon, it was well deserved.

Cheers to a very fun season!

For another take on this episode, check out And… it’s… Jeanine. Oh. by Robin Reed.

Season 5, Episodes 22&23: Finale (originally aired August 5&6, 2009)

For more on So You Think You Can Dance, click here.

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Photographs courtesy of Fox and IMDbPro

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