Project Runway: Attack of the Disco Soccer Balls

Oh, welcome back, kids! It’s time, finally, for another season of Project Runway. And though this first episode, in a new city and with a very special guest, won’t blow our minds with Awesomeness, how great is it to have our show back? No, I’m not a fan of these new work rooms, but I’ll deal with it. Same thing with the really weird close ups during judging (who’s running the camera there? The same guy doing Kelly Choi’s voiceovers? Oh no, wait! No more Bravo!). I’m willing to take the good with the bad, because Project Runway is just a ridiculous good time.

And so, sixteen new designers, one of whom will go home today. No one more surprised than me that almost everyone seems to have talent.  Here we go:

Ra’mon, 30, who chose fashion over completing his degree to become a neurosurgeon. I feel there’s more to this story than we’re very casually told.

Logan, 25, a model-esque and pretty “guy’s guy.” He says. Very handsy.

Jonny, 29, a recovered crystal meth addict who tried out for PR three times.

Gordana, 44, from the former Yugoslavia, representing girls with big dreams who have to start with small steps. Holla, y’all.

Qristyl, 41, the big Question mark. She comes off like a mom who’s kind of dabbling, and her previous designs (based on what we’re shown) do not look attractive. But she designs for all shapes, sizes, and colors. So maybe (hopefully) there’s more to her.

Shirin, 23, whose name means “sweet” in Farsi, in case you needed to know. She’s super adorable and designs Transformer clothes -  as in clothes that transform from one thing to another.

Nicholas, 26, the Feather Prince from New York City. I don’t think I need to elaborate, but he name drops a bit.

Mitchell, 25, knows what a woman likes, what fits a woman, and what sells. Glad to see everyone’s egos are under control already.

Christopher, 29, from Minnesota. He never had the opportunity to go to design school. He shall repeat this many times, so do not forget.

Ari, 25, who also works with transformative clothing. She’s dressed normally when she arrives, but that changes the next day.

Althea, 23, (what’s with all the young’uns?) who has interning experience and looks like a Barbie doll. I know that’s not her fault, but nor should she brag about being an intern.

Irina, 26, also super cute. She owns a poodle. It’s not my fault, that’s what they’re showing me here.

Carol Hannah, 23, who goes by both names, dresses people who are woodland fairies and go to galas.

Epperson, 49, a family man who has a history of dressing windows, but he’s now pursuing his fashion.

Louise, 31, our new vintage queen. Hopefully less annoying than Kenley.

Malvin, 23, has an androgynous look and androgynous tastes. He looks a little like Orlando Bloom and talks in a very sing-songy, floaty voice. All the time. Seriously.

There’s the necessary cocktails to kick things off, and the next day, Tim (we’ve missed you, Tim!) meets the gang at the red carpet of the Emmys, set to kick off in a few hours. The challenge: to create an innovative red carpet look. The outfit can apply to any red carpet event, from the Oscars to the VMAs. They have $200 and two days to work. Jonny insists he will push himself to the limit.

This season’s Parsons: FIDM.

Malvin doesn’t watch these events and doesn’t “differentiate between different colored carpets.” Oh brother. Ari, in her multicolored cowled bodysuit and shorts, does not sketch. She does, however, meditate and do handstands. I have no issue with anyone’s creative process, but she wasn’t kooky yesterday when she arrived. Cameras sure do seem to bring out the best in people, don’t they? Mitchell insists that the greater the pressure, the happier he is, and he’ll produce something beautiful. Remember that.

Ra’mon says that having someone walk down the red carpet in one of his dresses is a lifelong dream … except, I guess, when he was planning to be a neurosurgeon. Jonny starts questioning his original design and falls back on his addiction mentality the more and more flustered he becomes. He doesn’t seem to be playing drama queen with his history, but maybe this kind of situation isn’t the best, with all this pressure, for someone recovering from such a heavy drug. He has a mental collapse, basically. Althea smiles her way through an interview that she hopes he can deal with his stress and pull through. I don’t think she’s being catty – I think she can’t help but smile (see: Barbie). Jonny considers leaving the show.

Let me spare you the tears I had to watch: the drugs become an excuse, Jonny cries, Tim talks him into staying, and Jonny eventually returns to the room to “make it work.” I don’t mean to belittle what is possibly a very serious struggle – but I don’t want to watch this every week either. If you’re not ready to be in heavy competition like this, don’t be here.

Mitchell found his love of fashion by watching red carpet events, so you’d think he’d have the design part of this challenge down. Malvin claims that there’s no vocabulary to describe the work that he does. Words like “dress,” and “colorful” and “polished,” presumably, will not apply to him. Christopher laments that he doesn’t know the terms and technical aspects of design since he never went to school, but who needs that?

Tim Time. Christopher’s young, funky dress is polished and sophisticated, but potentially “cruise line cocktail waitress.” Tim fears Ari’s dress will “look like a halter diaper.” Oh, Tim. Mitchell creates a sheer, slightly colorful Victorian dress that shows zero skin. I’d love to know who he thinks would wear this dress. While the construction looks good, Tim worries about how dated the piece is. Qristyl’s dress leaves Tim somewhat speechless.

The models arrive, and Mitchell’s model doesn’t match the sizes and specifications he originally received. He worries, and throws something together the day of the show. Basically, a sheer caftan with a Victorian collar.

Runway! Guest judge…Lindsay Lohan! Don’t think less of me for liking her. She was awesome in The Parent Trap. And she’s actually very good here!

Althea: Pretty, simple. Gordana: light blue mini, very cute. Malvin: Is that linen? Wait, we can’t use vocabulary like “linen” or “tan” to describe his work, right? Mitchell: AWFUL. Louise: Simple, pretty, shiny. Christopher: Cute, modern, very the-stars-of-High-School-Musical on the red carpet. Is that a real category? Ra’mon: Navy, beautiful, been done before. On this show. Shirin: Cute, a little conservative. Epperson: Violet, slightly couture, classy. Irina: Pale, light, pretty. Ari: Cool and modern. Not red carpet. Jonny: Almost sexy, lack of shape. Carol Hannah: Couture. Qristyl: A purple and floral piece of WTF? Logan: Two-tone gray, very simple, done before. Nicolas: Simple black dress.

Safe: Shirin, Epperson, Gordana, Carol Hannah, Logan, Althea, Nicholas, Irina, Malvin, and Louise.

Judges. First, let me say I don’t agree with most of the judges’ choices. Gordana and Irina should have made the top three. Their construction alone deserved more notice, but hopefully, this means good things to come from them.

Qristyl thinks that Lindsay Lohan would wear her dress, and I can’t think of anyone under the age of 40 even considering it. She calls it youthful, which I don’t see. Lindsay says the back is beautiful, but Heidi says the front is a mess and Kors tells her the tabloids will kill the woman wearing this piece. He’s so, so right. Lindsay doesn’t love the ruffles at the bottom of Christopher’s dress, but everyone loves the textured top layer, and Kors calls it “cute and edgy.” Heidi likes Ra’mon’s dress, and though Kors likes it also, he tells Ra’mon to stop playing it safe and step up.

Ari describes her dress as “red carpet 2080” and then “she” can go pick up her Nobel peace prize in the same night. Whaaaaat? Kors says the model looks like a disco soccer ball. He’s not wrong. The outfit (with shorts) might work for a different challenge (I don’t hate it), but in Ari’s attempt to be “off the wall,” she missed the point of the challenge. Ari’s wearing another crazy print today, and I feel she’s really turning it up for the cameras. There can be only one Kenley, my dear. The judges all love Jonny’s dress, even the weird silhouette that removes all shape from the front of the body. I just don’t get it. Mitchell explains his model screw up. Nina, for some reason, says that the caftan shows an “attitude” and she’s curious about what else he can do. Huh? Where does she see attitude? In the underwear you can see the model wearing?

Deliberation goes much the same way with many of the same comments. So bring the designers back out! Between Christopher and Ra’mon, Christopher wins the challenge and immunity in the next round. Qristyl and Jonny are both safe, and Heidi tells Mitchell there are no excuses on Project Runway. Except for tonight, because between Ari and Mitchell, Ari’s completed, crazy outfit loses out to Mitchell’s unfinished, unwearable sheer nightgown. I’m not sure I agree with this elimination either, but Ari would have grated everyone’s nerves (including mine), so I don’t feel too bad.

Isn’t it great to be back???

Next week: Celebrities and surprises, and Heidi can’t sew!

For another take on this episode, check out Bless Your Heart, Ari by J.B. Perlow.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 6, Episode 1: Welcome to Los Angeles! (Originally aired August 20, 2009)

For more on Project Runway, click here.

Thursdays at 10pm EST on Lifetime

Photographs courtesy of Lifetime and IMDbPro