Rescue Me: Frozen Foods and Love (?) Quadrangles

For me and all the fans of the show—and there are quite a number of fans, Emmy-nominating morons and the occasional philistine be damned—it’s hard to fathom that the supersized fifth season of Rescue Me is quickly drawing to a close. I could watch a new episode of this show every day, especially if they all opened with hilarious hijinks in a supermarket, as is the case this week. There is no sitcom on television right now that even comes close to being as effortlessly entertaining and screamingly funny as Rescue Me is, and this is a show that isn’t even a pure comedy!

The first image we see is what appears to be billowing smoke, before a clever reveal alerts us to the fact that it isn’t smoke and the boys aren’t at a fire; they’re in the frozen food section of their local supermarket. But even though flames aren’t a-flamin, the guys of 62 Truck find trouble. Or does it find them? I’m reminded of the line in Lethal Weapon 4 (remember when Mel Gibson used to be awesome and sane?) when Lorna asks Riggs if trouble goes out looking for him and he replies “No, it seems to know where I am most of the time.”

The guys are out shopping for ingredients for Lou’s Mexican feast, which is to coincide with the Real Housewives of New York marathon on TV (I hope that isn’t a real show). As they shop, Mike continues to wax about his band’s upcoming record deal audition, Needles continues to psyche Franco up for his upcoming lesbian bout/freakshow, Lou talks about how he and Candy are planning their second, real honeymoon, and Black Shawn (courtesy of Colleen) lets slip that Janet is talking about taking Tommy for a romantic weekend in the mountains as part of her sales package.

All of this is interrupted when Damian, on orders to round up some avocados, spots a shoplifter. He radios Lou, who replies that unless said shoplifter is on fire, he really doesn’t care. The problem is, the shoplifter is shoplifting the last two avocados. Lou presses Damian into action. “Drop the produce!” Damian screams. But the guy takes off running, and the guy’s “full of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon shit,” meaning that he’s an acrobat. The whole team gets involved in taking this guy down. It’s almost as amazing as the supermarket action sequence in Hot Fuzz.

The rest of the episode is mostly concerned with Tommy struggling to survive the love triangle…actually, love isn’t the right word, let me rephrase. Tommy is struggling to survive the dysfunctional, manipulative, sexual dependency triangle he is embroiled in with Janet and Sheila. Actually, it’s a dysfunctional, manipulative, sexual dependency quadrangle if you count Kelly (Maura Tierney), although Tommy still doesn’t know what to make of her yet and neither do I.

As of the last couple of episodes, Tommy is being forced to choose between being monogamous (but not loving toward) with Sheila or being monogamous with Janet, and he’s delaying making his decision as long as he can. Hey, I would too. And as if the decision wasn’t a death trap as is, last week Shelia revealed to Tommy that the, until now, all-pure Mr. Wonderful Jimmy Keefe, cheated on her in the year before he was killed at Ground Zero. Tommy asks if Sheila knew who he had the affair with and she says no, and that it doesn’t matter anymore.

Jimmy’s ghost quickly appears to tell Tommy that he didn’t cheat on Sheila with Janet. But Tommy, having nearly beaten his brother Johnny to death (not too soon before Johnny actually got killed) when he discovered that Janet was shacked up with him, doesn’t trust Janet. If she slept with his brother, it’s not that far-fetched that she would have slept with his cousin.

So Tommy invites Janet to dinner so they can have a little heart-to-heart about this matter. Of course, since it’s Tommy and Janet, the heart-to-heart involves throwing dishes and nearly destroying the restaurant until the cops come to break it all up. I won’t tell you what the outcome of all this is, but let’s just say that the truth is revealed, and anyone who knows Janet won’t be surprised.

Sheila is mad at Tommy because she found out about the potential trip into the mountains with Janet (right, because I’m sure Tommy was real excited about that one), and Janet is…well, Janet. So Tommy’s only possible refuge is Kelly, which leads him to make a visit to her apartment. But we still have no idea what’s in that damn case of hers! It looks like we find out next week though. Another great episode for Rescue Me, but only two more remain left in the season. I expect big things to come.

For another take on this episode, check out Tell People To Start Stabbing Their Eyes Out by Jaimie Campos.

Season 5, Episode 20: Zippo (Originally aired August 18, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX and IMDbPro