Rescue Me: If Opie’s Mom Had Sex with Satan…

This week on Rescue Me, no one has sex! Except for Kim Kardashian, but that’s off-screen, on video. I still don’t understand why Kim Kardashian is famous (my niece recently tried to explain it to me) so I’m not going to look up the facts and details of the sex tape, but here’s a link to Google in case you feel so inclined.

We open with Lou and Tommy discussing the merits of Jennifer Aniston’s beauty and body parts. Tommy’s a fan, and at least she gets a nice plug after all the lonely girl talk. Did you know she’s even standing by herself in Madame Toussaud’s wax museum? That’s way harsh, Ty.

Maura Tierney stops by the firehouse. She’s looking for one of the hot firefighters to join her for a date the next night. And by “hot firefighters,” I mean not “girlfriend” Lou or “Ron Howard” Tommy. She settles for “the dumb one,” Mike, since he walks in before “the hot black guy,” the “pillow lips Puerto Rican” (which should so be Franco’s boxing name), and the “pasty Twilight asshole”- looking Damien.

Janet visits a short while later to give Tommy an(other) ultimatum. Spend five years pretending to be her husband (until Katy graduates) with sex provided as per previously, and she won’t keep him from his kids and make Katy hate him forever. However, Tommy must remain faithful the entire time. I never really disliked Janet (she’s not bad, she’s just written that way), but is she really the type to turn Tommy’s kids against him?

Which should be interesting, as later, Colleen moves in with Tommy and reveals that she hates her mother, and that Katy hates her too. Katy actually wants to live with Tommy, which is why Janet sent Katy to boarding school. Katy prefers that over living with her mother. Well, that explains Katy’s bitchiness. Although I’m still not sure why a child is running the family.

Speaking of the unexplainable, Tommy ends up at Sheila’s to fix her pipes, which, refreshingly, turns out not to be a euphemism for anything else. He, however, uses the opportunity to complain about how hard it is to choose between Sheila and Janet (and the kids). Sheila sex talks him some and blah blah blah and still we’re hearing about this?

In other news, since Franco’s beating his boxing opponents and our crew isn’t making any more money off the fights, Lou and Needles concoct a crazy scheme to have Franco fight a woman – a “bull dyke” so that she engenders no sympathy from the public when Franco beats her. Will the bull dyke, in fact, turn out to be Carla? We shall see.

In other other news, Garrity has an orange penis because he used Mike’s self-tanner lotion to jerk off. This week’s Rescue Me lesson: read the labels on the lotions, boys! Also, Lou asks Needles to be his best man when he marries hooker girlfriend, Candy. Needles says yes, agreeing to act as a “buffer.” Presumably against Tommy. I’m not sure, but we should find out more next week. (ha!)

No comment on the irrelevance of this entire episode. I mean, Garrity’s penis is orange, for crying out loud.

Next week: The Best Man Brawl.

For another take on this episode, check out Carrot by Cameron Cubbison.

Listen to The J Factor with J.B. and Jaimie here or on iTunes.

Season 5, Episode 18: Carrot (Originally aired August 4, 2009)

For more on Rescue Me, click here.

Tuesdays at 10pm on FX

Photograph courtesy of FX